Hey! I am back! Thanks to all of you still reading, I hope you are enjoying it as much as I am writing this. Bit of a miserable chapter this so I apologise about that but hey, nothing like a bit of angst and hurt/comfort to end the day amirite? I'm not going to lie, this hasn't been fully proof read because I'm a little distracted watching England play in the Euros so I apologise for any mistakes. The first half of this is a bit of self projection again - nothing like a bit of writer therapy right?
Anyway, I'll stop rambling, enjoy!
That evening Nat sat on the floor of her bedroom listening to the sounds of voices below her. Her mum and Eddie had began meeting up more regularly outside of work - going to the pub and out for meals and such like. It was almost weird to have another person looking out for her mum, it had been just the three of them so long but by the sounds of the laughter and the way Rachel spoke that had Nat knowing that she was smiling as she did so - they seemed happy. Her mum deserved to be happy.
A few days later, Rachel was away for the day for a conference that she'd described as being: 'hopelessly drab, full of white middle aged men who know squat all about how to run a school'. It was the first time Rachel had been away since the fire and Nat found herself feeling just a little stressed. Okay, maybe she was more than just a little stressed. She hadn't been sleeping particularly well recently and it suddenly occurred to her during the morning that she didn't know where her mum was or what she was doing. Maybe she'd crashed her car on the way… or maybe they'd all been taken hostage… With Mason luck anything was possible. Of course it was more likely that nothing had happened, but try telling her brain that.
As break time rolled around, she excused herself from her friend group. She moved to stand around the corner from the canteen and pulled out her phone and tapped out a text, hoping to sound casual and not like she was totally panicking, which she honestly was:
Hey, how's it going? Died of boredom yet? XD
She must have zoned out after clicking the send button because the next thing she knew Mr Lawson was standing next to her looking at her through concerned eyes.
"I marked your homework earlier," he began with a smile, "I know you said you struggled but I was impressed at how well you did. You need to believe in yourself more," he said with a chuckle.
Nat nodded and smiled a little, 'I… I was okay once I got going," she admitted, cringing a little at her anxious stammer.
Eddie nodded before tilting his head a little, "Are you okay? Something stressing you out?"
She forced a smile and nodded again "no, yeah, I'm okay. I'm-" she bit her lip as tears threatened to well in her eyes as anxiety pooled in her stomach. Why was this even happening? She was fine?
"-Hey," Eddie interrupted her, "What's up? This isn't like you. Let's go to the office, yeah?"
Eddie led her the few metres to the pastoral office and sat down opposite her, passing her a few tissues as he did so. "It's okay to cry, god knows the amount of people that have cried in that chair - staff and students." When she didn't respond he continued, "just take a minute alright? Take some deep breaths."
Nat leaned back in her chair and shut her eyes. She balled the tissues in her fists to try and stop her hands shaking, attempting to avoid the gaze of her teacher's concerned eyes which somehow were making her feel worse - speeding the up the pounding heart in her chest.
Not only was she totally freaking out, but someone else was also there to witness the whole thing. Social anxiety was screaming at her.
No matter how much the tears pushed against her eyelids, she forced herself to keep them at bay. None of this was worth crying about really even if holding them in gave her a pounding headache. A buzz of her phone in her pocket eventually provided her with the means to calm down a little. The reply from her mum was the only thing that was ever going to calm her down. Knowing that she was safe and well, albeit terribly bored began to slow down her racing, pounding heart. She took a deep, slow breath and looked back at Mr Lawson who was busying himself with some paperwork.
"You've been through a whole lot these past through years," he began without looking up. "The fire, moving schools-" he chuckled a little "-I'm sure you don't need me reminding you. But the point is, it's okay, to not be okay."
Nat smiled a small genuine smile. "I'm fine, really, it was just-" she paused and bit her lip. "Anyway, I'm okay. Thank you for, for well, this." She stood up from her chair, suddenly anxious to escape the suffocating atmosphere, was it hot in there? Or was it just her?
Eddie nodded, "Okay, well, you know where I am if you need me. If you need somewhere quiet and you can't, or you won't go and see your mum, then you can always come to my classroom or in here if you need it, okay?"
"Thanks Sir."
…
The rest of the day moved pretty quickly once Nat was reassured her mum was okay. A distraction in the form of football practice after school also helped. Nat found herself pushing herself harder and harder during their fitness session - physical pain masking her mental angst. By the time she had gotten home, she was absolutely knackered. After a shower and a quick frozen meal she settled herself on the sofa waiting for her mum to come home. She hadn't said what time she'd be back, but it was getting late and so Nat found herself beginning to worry again. The clock above the mantelpiece documented the passing seconds with loud ticks that bounced around her head against the overwhelming, overthinking thoughts. With no more distractions and only silence for company, she felt her breaths begin to hitch and her heart rate begin to speed up as her thoughts started spiralling. She slid off the sofa and pressed her back against its front - breaths beginning to come in gasps. She knew what was happening, she wasn't stupid. But what she didn't understand was why it was happening. Why now? Of all the times to have a panic attack, this was not the time, nor did it make any sense - but alas, it was happening, and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She knew she had to do something, before she was clawed to the deep dark depths of her own mind. As the claws gripped on, she reached out a hand towards her phone but clasped the tv remote instead. She was barely able to see through the welling tears and so punched the on button and then dropped the remote and instead clasped her hair in her hands - pulling slightly to let the pain ground her. The sound of the tv in the background sounded like it was underwater and she screwed her eyes shut tighter. Maybe she wouldn't get through the other side of this, maybe this was it.
Somehow, through the darkness a voice reached her:
"-time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff." The Scottish lilt of David Tennant's voice and his casualness about the whole thing that had set her off in the first place broke through her panicked thoughts in a way she had not expected - helping to unhook some of the claws that had grasped her - maybe it would be okay. As the show carried on, Nat managed to the soothing nature of Tennant's monologuing to attempt some deep, well needed breaths. She managed to calm down just a little, repeating a mantra of "it's okay, you're okay, everyone's okay," until eventually Rachel came home. She came in quietly, assuming Nat must be asleep - it was only then that she opened her eyes properly and looked at the clock. It was late. Very late. And here she was, sitting here, on a school night watching Dr Who reruns. She yawned, realising for the first time just how tired she was now the adrenaline was dying away. Before she could switch the TV off and escape upstairs, her mum came into the living room - looking half asleep herself.
"Nat?! What are you still doing up? It's a school night! I thought you were old enough and responsible enough to go to bed at a reasonable time even if I'm not here. Do I need to get you a babysitter next time I'm not here huh?"
Nat shook her head, as she tried to battle with the influx of emotions she was feeling. She wanted to cry with relief but also get angry at her mum for being so late, whilst the voice in the back of her head called for her to open up and ask for help because she was… no… she was okay. Right?
As a means of reply she opened her mouth to apologise but ended up just yawning again, making a little groan.
"Go on," her mother said, slightly more calmly, "get to bed. We'll speak in the morning."
Despite being terribly tired, it took Nat ages to fall asleep. She found herself tossing and turning - residual still pumping through her veins and her anxieties and worries, although much quieter, were still at the back of her mind especially now her mum was mad at her on top of everything else.
…
Her alarm blared from her bedside table and Nat shoved her head under her pillow. Her head was pounding. She'd slept a total of about 4 hours of disturbed sleep full of nightmares that had her waking up in a cold sweat, panting and on the verge of calling out for her mum. She couldn't even understand why she was so anxious, she'd not been through anything traumatic. Was she just weak? Or stupid? A child who wanted their mummy to make everything better - it was pathetic.
Despite the consistent ringing of the alarm, she stayed in bed until her mum hammered on her door.
"Nat! Get up!"
Nat groaned in reply and finally sat up, switching off her alarm.
"If you're tired then that's only your own fault staying up late last night. I'm heading off now - don't be late!"
It took longer than usual for Nat to get out of the house, despite her not eating breakfast - the sleep deprivation filling her with nausea, however she still made it on time. Just.
As soon as first lesson rolled around she could already tell it was going to be a difficult day - tiredness always made her dyslexia play up. With the addition of her headache, still pooling anxiety and drooping eyelids that weighed tonnes she was counting the hours till she could go home and sleep, but first she'd have to survive double maths.
Mr Lawson spared her a few concerned looks during the the lesson - no doubt he had noticed the dark bags under her eyes and how she was struggling to stay awake, coupled with how she'd been yesterday she understood why he might be worried. Nonetheless, she hoped to god he wouldn't mention anything to her mum, that was bound to make things worse and well… If her mum, or him for that matter was to ask if she was okay, she was sure she'd break down on the spot. Even though nothing was particularly wrong, what was wrong with her? Why was she suddenly so broken?
That afternoon she had PE, and despite being a very sporty kid, she really wasn't a fan of the lesson. Most of the time they played netball, which in her opinion was a waste of time. That day was no different and she found herself switching off on the court not really watching what was going on until of course, the netball came flying straight into her face leaving a stream of blood flooding out her nose onto the wing defence bib. Her classmates made varying noises of alarm as she was led by the teacher towards the nurses office. It really wasn't her day.
…
Rachel sat in her office, thinking. She'd recently noticed Nat becoming more distant but simultaneously clingy recently. The more she looked back, the more she realised it had accelerated after the fire and more since the 'gun incident'. She'd noticed her daughter hadn't been sleeping as well but had initially brushed it off as her settling into the school year after the holiday, but she was beginning to wonder if there was something deeper than that. It had been a surprise to see the girl up so late when she usually went to bed quite early, but as well as that, she'd had this look on her face that she couldn't quite place that she hadn't noticed the previous night through her tiredness. She'd also had a conversation with Eddie that lunchtime where he'd brought up similar concerns about how much sleep the girl was getting and she'd promised to keep an eye. She'd settled back into her paperwork, occasionally stopping to provide assistance for pastoral or disciplinary issues until she'd had a call from the school nurse asking for her to come down to her office. She'd been expecting lads who'd been in a fight or an issue with stock, what she wasn't expecting was to see Nat sat on the bed, PE kit covered in blood and a ice pack pressed to her nose. It wasn't the first time she'd seen her daughter in this sort of situation, far from it, but the lighting of the room also extenuated the rings under the girl's eyes and her downcast expression. Her gut told her there was something deeper at play here.
The nurse briefly explained what had happened, adding that Nat's nose didn't look broken but she was slightly concerned about the lethargy the girl was showing - explaining that caution was vital after a head injury. For the second time that day Rachel found herself promising that she'd keep an eye on the girl.
Once back at her office, Rachel squeezed Nat's shoulder gently, "sit down on the sofa sweetheart whilst I get my stuff together and call Eddie and then we'll head off early okay?"
Nat nodded, and smiled a smile that did not reach her eyes.
Rachel's eyebrows knitted in concern, "what's the matter sweetheart?" She asked, noticing the pool of tears welling in her daughter's eyes. When she didn't answer immediately Rachel knew not to push, "You in pain?"
Nat nodded again slowly but both women knew that that wasn't the real reason.
Thanks for reading (:
