Wasuuuuup XD

Thanks for coming back to read this fic, I know it's been a little while since I last uploaded, this chapter was really tricky to write. I'm not totally happy with it, but I think it's as good as it's going to get. It's also pretty long enjoy that haha

I don't know if i've mentioned before, but this fic came to be after I read 'The Change" by FaeMelody so go check that out if you haven't already, it's basically a better, more well written version of this, but with a lot moe reddie

Thanks again and enjoy (:

Somehow, Nat made it home without crying, excusing herself to the toilet as soon as she got through the door where the tears started flowing. She was so tired. So fed up of worrying, of feeling anxious, of not sleeping, of…

A knock on the door interrupted her, "Nat sweetheart, come on, let's sit and talk. I'll make hot chocolate."

She took a deep breath, unlocked the door and traipsed to the dining table. Memories of the talk they'd had after the baby was found on the school grounds flooded back to her and she felt more tears brewing. So much had happened since then, and she suddenly realised how much she'd been struggling recently. She was one step away from blurting everything out to her mother as she brought some mugs to the table but suddenly words just wouldn't come and she choked up again.

"Hey hey," familiar arms pulled her into a warm hug and she melted into the embrace, sobs getting caught in her throat. "Breathe sweetheart, breathe. It's okay, it's all okay."

But it wasn't okay. She wasn't okay.

Eventually her sobs died down and her breathing evened. Her mum's hand rubbing up and down her back helped ground her. She was a mess. Once released from their hug, Rachel put her hand on Nat's.

"What's brought this all on, eh? What's up?"

Nat shook her head, struggling to find the words. "I'm tired," she mumbled.

Rachel nudged the mug towards her daughter, "It's been a long day, drink, get your blood sugars up."

As Nat sipped away at her drink, Rachel's phone began to ring, after sparing Nat a quick glance, she left the room to answer it. It wasn't a long call, but she made another straight after, Nat heard her speaking to Eddie. Apparently the Kellys had been taken by the social. When her mum returned, somehow the energy in the room had changed. Nat knew she wasn't the only problem her mum had to deal with, and somehow she felt herself getting lost amongst all her mum's hundreds of other kids at Waterloo Road.

"I'm going to bed," she announced, feeling the tears brewing yet again.

For once, she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. It was a nice break from the nightmares that had been plaguing the little sleep she'd been getting recently.

A few hours later, the dipping of her mattress and the gentle stroking of her hair roused her from her sleep.

"Hey, love," Her mum said gently, "how you feeling?"

Nat groaned and mumbled something incoherent.

"That good huh? Well I'm going to bed now, I've brought you some water, you want some paracetamol too?"

Nat managed to nod her head as she propped herself up on her elbows to drink some water, grumbling at the loss of her mum's touch.

Once she returned, Nat swallowed the pills and then rolled onto her side reaching out to touch their hands.

"Stay?" she whispered as she fell back asleep again.

Sun filtered through the curtains the next morning, shining rays across the room onto the bed. Nat blinked her eyes open, squinting at a bodily mound beside her - confused for a moment in her drowsy state until she remembered the previous night, and it all made sense. Her mum really had stayed.

She must have sensed Nat looking at her because she smiled and opened her eyes.

"Morning sweetheart," she said quietly as she propped herself against the headboard and ran her fingers through the girl's hair. "Are you feeling up to telling me what's going on now?"

Nat shut her eyes and was quiet or a moment.

"I feel wrong."

Rachel's motherly instincts screamed, "wrong how love?"

Nat shook her head, "I don't know! Just wrong! Like my body's not me and I'm worrying all the time and you're just… busy."

Taking a moment to compose herself, Rachel spoke again cautiously. "Well, I'm not busy now alright? We'll get through this together. Like always." She felt a pang of guilt pass through her briefly at having to glance at the clock, before assuring her daughter that she was the only thing on her mind that moment.

Nat felt the words break the dam and tears began flooding down her cheeks once again. Her mothers warm arms pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly against her body. Nat rested her head on her mum's shoulder barely listening to her small whispers in her ear. Eventually, the dam dried up and she sighed quietly as she took the tissue her mum was offering her and wiped her eyes. It was then she caught sight of the clock and sat up fully.

"We're gunna be late."

Rachel took Nat's hands in hers, "Look love, I don't have to go in today if you need me here." She knew that was a lie, it was going to have to be all hands on deck for the Kellys.

Nat shook her head, "You need to go in, people need you."

Rachel smiled sadly, "so do you though. If you need the day off, sweetheart, then that's okay."

Nat shook her head again, "I've got football training at lunch and after school."

Her mum laughed, "Of course, big match Friday right? The exercise will probably do you good anyway." She lightly kissed Nat's head and stood up from the bed, "You'll come and get one of us if you need to though right? Don't go hiding in the toilets to cry like I know all the girls do."

Rachel counted the small smile that Nat responded with as a win. She suddenly realised how long her daughter's eyes had carried weight and sadness in them. She promised herself that she would fix what she, for the most part, had caused.

For the next few days, Nat's anxieties ebbed away as football took the prime place of importance in her brain - the conversation with her mother having lessened the load of her worries somewhat. Despite knowing it was probably just for the short term Nat embraced the relief. Her mother had, as always, been right - exercise had helped her feel better. The adrenaline of running around with the ball at her feet washed all other thoughts out of her mind. It felt good.

Mr Clarkson was pushing the team hard, making them train each lunchtime - ironing out any remaining kinks before their upcoming match. It was an important game, the quarter final of the cup they'd won the previous year and Nat was determined to get the double.

With football at the forefront of her mind, not only had her anxieties decreased but she'd also forgotten the deal she had with her mum when she started at the school: her grades had to stay up. That was of course, until Mr Lawson reminded her Thursday breaktime. She'd been distracted during their maths lesson, doodling formations on the back of her worksheet and thinking about what food she'd eat later (sport was hungry work okay?).

"You completed five out of twenty questions in an hour!" Mr Lawson moaned, holding up the mostly empty sheet at the end of the lesson after the rest of the class had left. "And don't tell me you struggled with them because I can tell you didn't even try. I'm assuming you copied the answers you did have off of Marcus' work because I don't see any working out here. Unless-" he turned the paper over- "This is your working out, because it looks to me like football stats."

Nat dropped her head, she did like maths and, as much as she hated to ad,it iut, she liked Eddie too. "Sorry Sir, I was just a bit distracted…"

Mr Lawson shook his head, "So I can see." He gestured for Nat to sit down in front of his desk. "Look Nat, I get that football is important to you and don't get me wrong, it's nice to see you engaging in something again. But you're not going to be playing any football if you keep this up. Your mum isn't going to allow it. She's already worried about you - but this is something else. For your own sake, you need to get things together, yeah?"

Nat nodded slowly, realising that she was in hot water. "I promise to start paying attention, this was just a one off I promise. Don't tell my mum." Nat knew what she'd do if she found out, and regardless of how much she loved football - it was the only thing keeping her mental health from spiralling.

Her maths teacher smiled, "Don't look so worried, I'm not that mean. But I'll be keeping close watch on you alright? This is strike one."

"Yes Sir, I promise."

"Good girl, now go and enjoy your break."

Nat had to stop herself from squirming, she'd forgotten how much being referred to as a girl made her skin crawl. Or was that just the anxiety blooming in her chest from being caught out by her teacher - it all felt very similar.

Friday afternoon came very slowly, especially as Nat forced herself to participate fully in all her lessons which was exhausting. She counted her blessings that she didn't have double English that day because it would have been impossible to sit still.

Eventually the bell rang and Nat made her way towards the changing rooms, only stopping briefly to move out the way of the Kellys who were all shouting angrily at each other, which was an everyday occurrence really. Nat suppressed a shiver as she knocked shoulders with Earl, something about the guy really didn't sit well with her. He was creepy! Nat had said as much to her mother one day at breakfast and had had a real earful about paying respect to underprivileged kids. That said, recently most of the school seemed to be joining Nat's point of view as she watched most of the kids turn and walk the other way when they'd see him walking down the corridors towards them.

There was a distinct buzz of excitement in the changing rooms, most of the team remained from the previous year so everyone knew how much fun this cup could be - they'd never played their opposition before so no one was sure how good they are but Nat was looking forward to the potential challenge. She was confident in the team - everyone had come on leaps and bounds and Maxine had really progressed as captain, commanding the game well.

Mr Clarkson explained their unchanged formation and soon they were jogging onto the pitch.

As the whistle blew for half time, Waterloo Road were one nill up. Maxine had scored a header off of a free kick just outside the box. Despite the score, Nat found herself feeling anxious. Various what ifs and worst case scenarios running through her head. She took a minute to take a few deep breaths and focus before running back on for the second half. It was all going well, Nat had crossed the ball to Alesha who had slid the ball into the net to make it two nil, but still, Nat was anxious. A third goal, scored by herself this time, eventually rid her of the anxious thoughts but it still left her feeling shaken at the end of the game. Never before had she been anything but focused during a game but suddenly she found herself worrying about getting injured if she was jumping to contend a header or hoping the opposition wouldn't break away and score after they'd misplaced a pass - it was unsettling.

Three whistle blows signalled full time and Nat ran over to join her team in celebrations. After Maxine had released her from a hug she looked down at her hands and realised that they were shaking. She shoved them into her pockets as the team began the walk into the school towards the changing rooms and tried to take some steadying breaths, repeating her mantra to herself.

It's okay, you're okay. Everything's okay.

She was the last one to get changed and leave, partly because everyone kept congratulating her with high fives and hugs, and partly because it took her at least five minutes to untie her shoelaces with her trembling fingers. Once she was finally dressed she flopped down onto the bench behind her, burying her head in her hands. She could feel her pulse flickering through her temples a title too quickly; all the emotions she'd pushed down inside her recently to focus on football were bubbling back up inside her like a volcano - unstoppable. She took a deep breath, and another, but they couldn't get the panic to fade as her third came as a gasp and fourth as a sob. Nat knew she was quickly losing control but couldn't do anything to stop it. She didn't hear the changing room door open, nor did she notice the two girls wandering in, giggling at something or other.

"No way!? You're telling me that he-" Maxine and Janeece stopped short upon seeing their trembling teammate at the back of the room. "Go get Ms Mason, or whoever you see first," Maxine hissed as she made her way over to Nat, settling next her on the bench.

"You played well today," she knew Nat needed a distraction and football was the only thing they really bonded over. "You're good at changing how you play from match to match so they defenders can't have you sussed out-"

Maxine carried on rambling softly about everything and nothing until Janeece returned with Miss Koreshi who took one look at Nat and sighed softly. Nat still had her head in her hands, seemingly oblivious of the goings on around her. Although her sobs had died down a little, her breaths were still coming in gasps.

Jasmine knelt down in front of the brunette and placed a hand on Nat's knee.

"You're Nat Mason, you're at Waterloo Road, in the changing rooms. You've just finished a football match that you won. Can you look at me sweetheart?" She carried on grounding the girl until she peeled her hands away from her face, looking at her teacher for the first time with tears glistening in her brunette eyes.

"That's it, good. You're mum will be here in a sec, Mr Clarkson's just gone to get her but in the meantime we're going to take some breaths together alright?"

"…can't…" Nat whispered in between breaths.

Miss Koreshi took the girl's hands in hers, placing one on her own chest exaggerating her own breaths, "Yes you can Love. Head beat when your knees-" she waited until the girl had complied- "-That's it. Now, just breathe in… and out… In… and out… Good girl, let's keep going." Jasmine encouraged as she watched some of the tension on the girl's face ebb away with each breath.

The biggest change came when Rachel came into the room with a smile, though Jasmine could see the evident worry on her features - Nat's shoulders dropped as her teacher and mum traded places and she fell into her arms. For a minute the girl's breaths began to hitch again as she tried to explain what had happened, but Rachel shushed her, rubbing a hand up and down her back.

Nat blinked her eyes open, her sleep-addled brain taking a minute to place where on earth she was. Whatever she was laying on was soft but a little lumpy. Someone was running a hand up and down her shin. Someone else ruffled her hair and she left out a quiet sigh, blinking her eyes open slowly.

"Ah, it lives!" Came a familiar voice with a chuckle and the hand removed itself from her hair and Nat groaned at the loss of contact.

She heard her mum laugh this time and twisted her head out of the pillow she had her head buried in and looked around for the first time.

She was laid on the sofa in her mum's office, her feet resting in her mum's lap and Eddie was perched on the armrest near her head.

Rachel looked down at her daughter with a little sympathy in her eyes, "All right love? Shall we head home?"

Nat nodded and pushed herself up to sitting realising how tired she still felt, her head felt as if it was full of cotton wool. She couldn't remember what had happened or why she was in her mother's office at - she glanced at the clock - 6pm. However, she was too tired to care and instead allowed her mum to guide her to the car where she practically collapsed in the back seat. She zoned out, trying to put all the pieces that she knew were in her mind somewhere.

The car pulling to a stop jerked Nat from her thoughts. She looked out the window to see the lights of a Chinese takeaway glinting through the few drops of rain that were collecting on her window - her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten since lunch. A hand patted her knee and she realised that her mum was trying to speak to her.

"Chinese alright for you sweetheart?"

Nat nodded as Eddie slipped out the car, she watched him hurry to get out of the rain (When had it started raining?) - jacket pulled around him to trap the warmth from the car. Shuffling from the front of the car diverted her attention away from the figure now leaning over the counter.

Her mum had spun around in her seat, to face her daughter across from her in the back.

"We don't have to talk about any of this now but I need you to know that we will once you're ready okay?"

Nat couldn't bring herself to speak but nodded and smiled a little as her mum gripped her hand in hers, the warmth of her touch was nice and soothing - it removed some of the cottony mush that had been clouding her mind and opened the dam for the emotions she'd been feeling earlier. However, with the comfort from her mum, it didn't become overwhelming - she knew her mum would protect her. She was safe.

Chinese food was warming, inside and out. They sat at the dining table: she, her mum, and Eddie (who'd known they wanted him to stay without them even saying anything). They ate in almost silence, only speaking to ask for something to be passed or commenting on the taste. Eventually, Nat couldn't stand the silence anymore and took a deep breath as she prepared to take the plunge, swelling her mouthful of spring roll.

"I think I need help," she began carefully, hesitating slightly to gauge the reactions of the adults around her, who both had faces of picture neutrality. Eddie nodded at her supportively, "I panic, like a lot. When you-" she nodded at her mum- "come home late, or even if I just don't know where you are, I panic. Sometimes it gets bad, like today, but a lot of the time it's just there… like- like an annoying fly or something. Usually, football makes it go quiet but today, I couldn't focus. I kept thinking: 'something's gunna go wrong' but nothing did and it just kept going and going. Something just pushed me over the edge and I dunno, I just-" She stopped speaking, unsure what to say and found herself enveloped in her mum's arms.

"Thank you for telling us that sweetie, we'll get this sorted, I promise. You've done the right thing, I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry it's taken this long for me to really notice something was up, I missed the signs."

"Not your fault," Nat mumbled into her mum's neck.

"She's right, Rach," Eddie added kindly, "what really matters is where we go from here. We don't have to talk through your options now love, I'm sure you're still pretty tired, and we've got all weekend but just so you know: recognising something's wrong and asking for help is always the hardest part and that's over now. I bet that's a weight off your chest, huh?"

Nat nodded, having peeled herself away from her mum to face Eddie as he spoke.

"Thank you."

"No need to thank us," her mum said with a small chuckle, "that's what we're here for. I should be thanking you for being so amazing."

Nat shook her head with a small laugh. Eddie was right though, it felt good not to be carrying the weight of all her worries alone. She had people there to support her, she just needed to ask.

Probably worth mentioning that what Eddie and Rachel said at the end is true, and if you are struggling then please reach out for help, there's no need to face things alone - it does not make you any less strong or independent or whatever else your brain tells you.

You are loved and you are valid

Peace