I hear the party, I know that they are all out there to celebrate the new Greenie. They are happy to have a new Glader while I lay in my hammock and stare at the ceiling.

How stupid am I? Did I really think that seeing some random person would solve all my problems? How cold I be so stupid! Such an idiot. I knew it too, I knew it wouldnt help, but I held on to hope. FUCK hope. There is no hope, not here. Not in the Glade. And you thought it would be a fucking girl, NOPE! Still alone on the Glade, still fucking lost about every aspect of my life.

"Hey...," a soft voice beckons from the door. Jackson... "I saw that you weren't at the celebration. What happened?" I turn to face my wall so he can't see my face. "Did you meet him?," his voice is closer.

I wait a second, "Yeah."

"Did you not like him?"

"No, he's fine. I just... forget it," I take a deep breath.

"No, tell me," I hear Jackson sit, probably on the hammock beside me.

"I-I... I just feel stupid."

"Why?"

"I thought that a new Greenie would help me. That they would come and somehow my name would come to me, like there was no way two people couldn't know there name on the Glade."

Jackson replied slowly," So you can't remember..."

"No, I can't," a silent tear runs down my cheek. "Can you just leave me alone? Please? I-I... I just need to be alone, okay?"

"Yeah, I get that," Jackson's footsteps retreat but I still don't turn away from the wall. "Let me know when you want to talk."

My room goes silent and I figure he left, I roll onto my back again and wipe away the next tear that threatens to run. Why can't I be a boy? If I was a boy I could have came to the Glade and learned my name, moved on and lived happily. I could be a part of the brotherhood, Gladers wouldn't stare at me, they would accept me as one of their own. They kind of have now, but it took them a month! I hear a loud cheer from the Glade, they did that for me too, I smile as I remember the crowd clapping as Alby announced me. They kind of accepted me, but they also don't know me, they're afraid of a what a girl means. I don't even know what I mean...

"Hello?," there's a knock on my wall and I make the mistake of looking up. "Hey there," Newt greets me with a radiant smile.

I groan and lay back," What?"

"We all miss you at the bonfire," I see him step into the room out of the corner of my eye.

"You shouldn't, I never really go to those things anyway," my fingers instinctively pull the ends of my hair.

"Well then I guess I miss you at the bonfire," he sat on the hammock beside mine.

My heart fluttered but my mind was still warped by the days events to think into what he had just said to me.

"I just want to be alone," I keep my eyes glued on the ceiling.

"Okay...," Newt doesn't move.

I wait for him to leave but he just sits there a moment before laying back in his hammock. I turn to him to see him swing in the hammock lightly, his warm brown eyes are soft and sweet. He gives me a small encouraging smile, does this mean he is going to stay?

"What are you doing?," I say softly.

"I don't think you should be alone," he answers.

"Well I want to be alone."

"Why?"

"I need to sort through all of... everything!"

"It's better to talk about it, believe me, I know," he shifts in his hammock to face me.

"I... just... I don't want to."

"Just let it out. I know that your scared ab-..."

"I'm not scared," I cut him off.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm not scared. I-I... I don't even know what I am. I feel so lost, I don't understand any of this. Like what is happening? I also feel so... so stupid! How could I think that a new greenie would change anything! How could I believe that it would help me!? Because Ben gave me hope saying it might help and you encouraged it by telling me to wait! I'm angry! I'm so mad at everyone! You and Ben and Jackson! AND MYSELF for listening to you! For letting you convince me that it was a good idea to hold onto hope! I'm so mad at the people who put me here and left me without an clue as to what the hell I'm doing! The won't even let me know who I am! I feel like I'm so sort of messed up lab rat that they can just do whatever they want to! At any moment it could all change and I can't control it, I'm stuck at the end of their stupid string! I'M JUST SO...," I choke on my words, awestruck on everything that is pouring out.

I gasp, trying to keep it in, but the tears fight through and spill down my face while my throat closes and I can't breath. I'm so scared. God, I'm so scared. This is terrifying. Trying to cry silently fails and I sob loudly into my hands, I don't understand any of it! I'm so lost...

I forgot Newt was there until I feel him grab my hand from my face, I couldn't let him see me so I turn and face the wall. He doesn't try to look at me, he just squeezes my hand, a sensation of pressure but it makes me feel relieved. Why is he still here? Why hasn't he run away?

"Don't feel scared," he speaks softly. "I won't let anything happen to you." I wipe away my tears and try to stop making crazy noises, it takes a few minutes, but I finally calm down. I hold Newt's hand and roll onto my back. "You can't think about it."

I hiccup," Think about what?"

"All of this. It'll consume you."

I nod quickly, afraid of new tears. "I know I shouldn't... but it-..."

"You just have to think about other things," he tells me.

"What things?"

"Whatever you want."

"What do you think about?," I crane my neck to see him and, like the mind reader he is, he turns to me.

"I think about garden, the color of the plants and the smell of the dirt. It helps ground me to where I am, so I can focus on the here and now. Sometimes the thoughts get too much and I have to actually go to the garden, touch the plants and feel the soil, before the questions drift away."

I think for a moment," What if I never find that...?"

"Then you have to talk about it, like this," he gives me hand another squeeze. "Don't keep it bottled up."

A question popped into my head and I said it before really considering what I was asking. I look to the ceiling before blurting, "Do you regret trying to kill yourself?"

Newt froze, I felt the pressure slip from my hand. I should have apologized, but my curiosity told me not to, that he might give an answer. The seconds ticked by, and all that I heard was some distant shouting of some Gladers. I slowly moved my head to see him again, he was staring intensely at his hammock. That was too much... I opened my mouth to apologize but Newt spoke first.

"Yes."

I don't say anything, I just look at him. He's so much stronger than I could ever be... So brave. He really believes in the Glade. Newt's eyes dart to mine and I look into his big beautiful eyes and start to feel stronger myself, like his own power was transferring. How can eyes so dark be so stunning... I look deeper but his eyes have no secrets. He regrets trying to kill himself, but he wouldn't be if he had actually died. He would be gone. He wouldn't have to worry about the Glade, the maze, the garden, anything... He could have been free of it all.

Newt clutched my hand tighter and I returned his grasp, I guess we all have demons here.