THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: THE REVEAL
ENJOY!


Here we go, I took a deep breath.

"Can we... go inside? Just for a minute?," I already felt like chickening out.

"Sure," Newt smiled, flashing his sparkling teeth. How does he keep them so white? No, not right now... This is not the time.

Newt followed me inside and I slowly walked over to my hammock on the far wall. I froze, should I say it now? It would be easier if I didn't have to look at him?

"Are you okay?," Newt asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I spun around and sat down on my hammock. Guess not.

I couldn't understand why this was all so tormenting. There were only two ways this could go: good or bad. I'd prepared for the bad. There is nothing I haven't thought of, I've played every scenario over and over in my head. Nothing could surprise me.

"Did you eat dinner? I didn't see you there?," Newt asked crouching to look in the cubbies. I had added a few items, an acorn and and some leafs I had thought were pretty but had not dried up.

"I.. I feel asleep."

"So you haven't eaten?," he turned to me, surprised.

"Uhm... yeah I had some breakfast," I felt my cheeks darken. He looks so concerned. Is that concern?

"You have to eat more than one meal a day. You could get sick," he crossed his arms.

"No, I'm all right," I tucked my hands under my thighs and looked to the ground.

"Are you sure you're alright?," Newt walked to the middle hammock.

"What? Uh, yeah. I'm fine... just still a little sleepy I guess."

He can see right through me. I need to just calm down. Deep breath.

"I don't want you getting sick, not like last time at least. You had us all so worried," Newt said reminding me of my last time spend at the Med -hut. "So... what did you want to talk about...?," he chuckled.

"Oh yeah!," I felt my heart pick up. "I wanted to talk to you... I mean, I think we should talk about... about the other night," I paused.

Newt cocked his head to the side," Uhhh... Do you mean when I said that the obstacle course should have a part where we have to crawl underground? Because I know that would never happen, no way we could dig a tunnel like that, not with all the bodies we have there."

"What? Uhm, no. This isn't about that."

Why is this so painful? Why can't I just say the words, be brave.

"Oh, okay? Then what?," Newt leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. I could see his muscles peeking through his thin shirt, even though they weren't big and bulging like Jackson's were, they drew my attention. I shook my head and refocused on the hammock in front of me so I wouldn't have to look at him.

"This... is about the night... The night that Jackson got put in the Slammer."

"Oh..."

The room was quiet and I could feel a weird energy between us, something that made me squirm where I was sitting. I still didn't have to the courage to look up at him. My stomach felt tight and despite just waking up, I felt weak and a nervous energy pulsed through me.

"Yeah," I said softly, not really knowing how to continue the conversation.

Newt cleared his throat and I saw him move off the wall from the corner of my eye," Sure, uhm... yeah maybe we should talk about that night. Everyone's has heard Jackson's side... but you haven't really talked about it."

I took a deep breath," Yes, I did. I told you why he was here," I looked up involuntarily and my breath caught. He stood not 10 feet from me, looking down at me with his gorgeous, gleaming brown eyes. They were beautiful and full of what looked like wonder, or some other emotion I had never seen in someone eye's. It was mesmerizing, it was hard to tear away from him.

"What... I'm about to tell you... it... I... I broke the rules again," I looked to the floor.

"Is this a confession?," Newt sounded confused.

"Well, no. That's not why I'm telling you this. I just...made a promise."

"Promise? To who?"

Maybe it would be easy to start from the beginning? Just flow through everything so I don't miss anything? But I don't want to build, I just want it to be out there, but at the same time that's the last thing I want.

"Jackson."

"Jackson? What did you promise him? When di-," Newt stopped talking. "That night. When I caught you in the Homestead... you were sneaking out to talk to him?"

Wow. Newt's quick. I hadn't given him credit.

"Yeah. I snuck out to go and see him."

"But... why?," I could hear that Newt couldn't make sense of anything I was saying.

I brought my hand up and started pulling on my hair, this was starting to get too real.

"Jackson, he is my best friend. He probably the person here that I trust the most, I mean, he knows everything about me. He's been helping me... with everything, adjusting to the Glade and accepting this life," I looked around the room. "And yet I'm still just as confused as I was my first day."

I met eyes with Newt, he looked so understanding, like what I was saying was resonating with him, so I kept going.

"When he was here that night... he lied. He told everyone he barged in, but..."

"But that's not true?"

"No, I told you that. I asked him to come here. I had to talk to him," I rested my eyes on Newt.

I felt a little stronger, it was like the more I said, the less it seemed to weigh on me. Made me more confident and assertive, made me feel a little less nervous. Looking into his eyes, I didn't get that urge to look away ashamed and scared, I held his gaze. My heart seemed strong and steady, not crazy and impulsive. I slipped into a state of ease, letting him recall what I had told him about that. The truth sipped out so easily and effortlessly, I much preferred it over my stumbling lies to cover my feelings.

"Yeah, you said he came here so you could talk to him about... about me," Newt coughed and his eyes darted away.

That's not true, the thought popped into my head. But now was not the time to discuss the horror buried in the deadwood, so I repressed the memory deeper inside me.

"Yes."

Newt shifted again, it seemed like the calmer I got, the more nervous he appeared. He chuckled nervously," I thought that... I... I don't know."

"I think I should tell you about... I mean, you deserve to know."

"You don't have to tell me," Newt looked to the floor. "It's really none of my business."

My heart picked up," I have to tell you."

I promised Jackson. This is it... no going back at all.

"Is it bad?," Newt asked sheepishly, avoiding my eyes.

"Bad? No," I shook my head. At least I hope it's not bad. "It's just... It's hard to explain..."

The nervous energy was creepy back inside me, I could feel myself tingling, like I wanted to just run. Run out past Newt, into the Glade, into the maze, and beyond until there was nothing left.

I closed my eyes and sucked in a slow breath, start at the beginning. I opened my eyes and looked to my lap.

"When I first got here, it was like I didn't belong. Everyone glanced at me twice, whispered as I walked past. It felt like I was some sort of alien to you all... which I guess in a way I was. Zart had been nice to me, but Jackson felt like one of the first people to treat me like a person, like being a girl wasn't scary or weird. Ben... Ben was also friendly...," my eyes flickered up to Newt. "And you... you were kind. I could see how much you cared about everyone here. You were so welcoming and I don't know...," I sucked in a deep breath and looked past him out the door.

"It's hard... to live here. You know that better than me. Being without memories... it just kind of feels like floating, and then every so often, I feel like something is familiar. Feeling the breeze on my skin or watching the sun shine through the trees. It's so hard to explain... And then, there are things that feel so new. So crazy and unbelievable, that even if I had felt it before, it still surprises me... Do you know what I mean?," I looked to him.

Newt was listening intensely, I saw a furrow in his brow. His face eased when I turned to him and he relaxed a little, his arms feel to his sides. "Honestly, no," he confessed and I felt a clenching in my stomach. Newt continued," But that's okay, I understand that this transition has been hard on you, but I think you're doing such a good job," Newt walked around the hammock and sat down, now we were face to face. "Everyone here reacts differently."

I nodded, looking to the floor. "But how can you live day to day without knowing what's real and what's not?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what happens when you have feeling you've never felt before? Feelings you don't know what they are or what they could mean?"

I know exactly what they mean, I thought as I searched Newt's for a hidden answer that maybe he could not convey into words. His golden flakes swirled in the dark pools of infinite beauty but gave me no answers. I must sound crazy to him. I keep avoiding what I need to say. I just need to say it.

Newt opened his mouth like he was going to give me answer, but I spoke first.

"That's what I had to talk to Jackson about. I get this fumbling, crazy feeling when I see you. I can't control it and I have no what it means. My stomach gets tight and I feel... I feel dizzy and it gets hard to speak. I feel so red and clumsy... I just... I...," my voice fades and I keep my eyes glued to the floor.

Silence rings in the room. Here it goes. Here it goes, I kept repeating in my head, but nothing happened. It was quiet, all I could hear was the light whistle of the wind outside and the very distant noise of the Glade. The seconds ticked like hours, so I kept talking to keep the ringing out of my ears.

"I... I tried avoiding you, to make it stop, to see if it would... but it didn't. It almost made it stronger in a way, I guess. I don't know what it really is for sure.. but I have a guess," I fought the urge to glance up and see his expression. "I know this weird and I don't want you to feel awkward or anything, but sometimes I get such a strong urge to kiss you, I'm not actually sure if I can stop myself. I don't really know anything though... I... but I promised Jackson I'd tell you everything. So now you know..."

I shut my mouth, talking only seemed to make it worse. Silence fell between us again. There it is... no going back. It's out there now. Only two ways for it to go. Good or bad. Either way... at least it's out there. I'll probably get in trouble, at least for seeing Jackson. I didn't even think if I could get in trouble for this... liking someone? Could I? Why did I mention the kiss? Idiot!

Curiosity got the better of me and I looked up to Newt. He wasn't looking at me, he was looking straight forward. He didn't look mad, which was comforting. He looked shocked, like pure surprise had struck him.

"Newt?," I asked him, worried now.

He shook his head, removing his expression. "Sorry, I just...," his voice faded.

"No, please don't apologize. I know you didn't ask for this... you were just doing your job, I know that. I guess... I took some things the wrong way."

There is was. My answer. Bad. In my head, he had looked down at me with disgust and scoffed as I told him everything, then yelled at me and stomped out the door. This felt worse in a way. My chest was tight, like there was something around me, squeezing the air out and not letting me breath. This was real. Not just some fantasy I made up in my head, this was real life and real life hurt.

"I... I should apologize," I pulled the ends of my hair. "I know you didn't ask for this, but just know this won't affect anything. I.. I mean, it doesn't have to change anything. I guess I should say, we don't have to hang out if this makes you feel weird and-," I rambled on nervously trying to do some damage control.

Newt reached out and took my hand that was rapidly yanking on the end of my hair, he pulled it towards him and wrapped his fingers around my palm.

"You shouldn't pull your hair," he told me softly.

I was at a loss for words. Were we just going to pretend this never happened? I was fine with that... at least I kept my promise and I got the closure Jackson thought I needed. The pain in my chest was only getting worse and I felt like I wanted to cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

"Did you mean all that?," Newt was looking down at our hands and I stared at him.

This is the chance to turn it all around. Pretend it's a joke and laugh it off.

"Yes," I said breathlessly, the truth felt too good to stop telling it now.

"Does it feel like the world around you fades away, like you stop hearing noises and colors all blend together?," he didn't look up at me.

"I... I don't know," I answered honestly, the air in the room felt gone. I was holding onto every second, the feeling of his fingers on my palm and the pressure on my skin. I could feel myself starting to sweat, but I was paralyzed.

"Do you hang on every word? Replaying them over and over?," he asked taking his other hand and enclosing my hand.

My heart picked up, I didn't know what was happening. What was happening?

"Yes," I answered truthfully, remembering all the times I would sit in the Deadhead and daydream of his smile and laugh.

"Does your heart beat so fast you think it might stop all together?," his voice floated to me gently, an unknown emotion masking his words.

I could feel my own heart beating against my chest, like it could burst out any minute.

"Yes."

Newt finally moved, pulled my hand toward him further, I didn't resist. I was like a doll, he had total control, I felt like it was another daydream and I could wake up at anytime. I felt weightless, like it wasn't real. Newt placed my open hand on his chest, over his think shirt and covered my hand with his, holding it in place.

He felt warm and his shirt was soft, but underneath it all was a thud that was constant and fast, thumping through his skin and onto my hand. It was his heartbeat, I could feel it. It was fast, it almost matched my own. I was staring at out hands, but I slowly looked up to him, now he was looking at me, a small smile lingering on lips.

"That's how it always is... everytime," he closed his eyes. "Every. Single. Time," he strained each word, dragging them out. "Everytime I see you, it's bloody impossible to stop. And... I can't help but smile... like the day just seems brighter and better...," I see him trying to figure out how to explain it all. He sighs," I... I never told you because... I know how you feel so different here. How the Glade separates you different housing, different shower times, different everything. I didn't want you to... feel... I... I just didn't want to upset you any further," Newt looks at me, his eyes round and sincere. "I know you've been through so much in your short time here... I didn't want add to your burden."

So... This means... This means that Newt... Newt likes me? Newt likes me... Wait what? That can't be true... I'm still dreaming. I never really woke up did I?

Newt smiled down at me," I... I would never have guess that... I just never said anything... but...," He chuckled lightly and shook his head. "I would have never known," he rested his gaze on me again.

"Really? I... I don't think I hide it very well," I blushed.

"You had me fooled," Newt's smiled widened.

"Same here," I smiled shyly, turning back to my hand resting on Newt's chest.

Is this real? How can I know for sure?

"So... what does this mean?," Newt asked me.

I turned back to him, not having any sort of answer prepared.

"I.. I have no idea. I didn't even think I would get this far...," I told him honestly. I felt so close to him, he face was only about 12 inches away, so close and my hand resting on his chest.. the urge sparked again, to just lean in and finally get the feeling on his lips on mine.

Newt and I held each other's gaze and I felt like it was happening, for the first time a real situation where a kiss might actually happen. Newt took his hand off mine and I took my hand off his chest and I looked down, feeling awkward all over again, making me glad I did no kiss him.

"So neither of us really knows what this means... uhm... what do you want to happen?," Newt asked me.

"What even is this?," I asked him already knowing the answer. This is a crush. I like you. You like me.

Newt looked deeply into my eyes," I.. have these emotions... a feeling... something unexplainable really. I really like you. I like being around you, talking to you, listening to you. I think that's a good place, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I smiled.

Better than I could have imagined.

"So I would like to be around you more, talk to you more and listen to you more. Maybe now I can be a little more honest, if that's okay with you," Newt looked down bashfully.

"I.. I would love that," I told him, feeling like there was nothing holding me down and I could float away.

"Woah," Newt turned and looked out the door," I didn't realize it had gotten so dark."

I looked out the door and it was dark out, only a flicker of light from the path danced on the door.

"Oh wow," I exclaimed.

Newt turned back to me," I... I probably should go. I don't want you in any more trouble," he gave a small grin.

"Does that mean you aren't going to tell anyone about me seeing Jackson?"

"No. I won't tell, but that is reckless. If someone would catch you, it would mean big trouble."

I nodded," I know. I know."

Newt stood up, and stepped towards the door, then turned back to me. "I... I'm really happy you told me... Thank you."

Our eyes lingered moment and a warm feeling spread through me.

I felt my cheeks flush," Yeah, me too."

"Well... goodnight," he smiled brightly and I felt a flutter in my chest.

"Goodnight."

Newt stuck his head back through the door, "Would it be okay if I came by again tomorrow and we went for a run?"

I nodded," I'd like that."

"Goodnight," he said again.

"Night."

Newt left the out the door and I saw his shadow disappear and all the remained was the flicker of a distant flame and the warm feeling inside me.