Days drifted by, they were hard. Really hard, if it wasn't one thing it was another. Something was always nagging at me; it could be Lee or Jackson or just the Glade in general. I was struggling to move past it all and Newt said that it was natural, that I can't rush my grieving and pain. Newt coached me through all my episodes, all the crying and screaming, he stayed with me. Every night, we would sleep in the same hammock and Newt told me that no one had talked to him. No one was bringing us up at all and that eased my sorrow at least. The new Greenie got his name, his name was Peter, they made him a builder. I tried not to think about how it was probably to replace Lee.
Today I was sitting in the middle of the Glade, the box only a few feet from me when Alby strolled up to me. The wind whipped, sending a chill through the air, but once it was gone it felt warm again.
"Can I sit?," he asked.
"Yes," I pulled a blade of grass out of the ground.
Alby sat beside me and draw his knees up, resting his hands on the peaks, he looked out over the Glade. "You seem good," Alby said it like it was a fact but also a question.
"I don't know," I told him truthfully.
"It's hard to know," Alby told me. "It takes time." I nodded, pulling out another blade of grass, I was half expecting him to tell me that I couldn't keep pulling Newt away from his duties. The last three days he was basically by my side all day, running occasional errands, but mostly he was with me. "Do you think you're ready for the kitchen."
I swallowed the lump in my throat, Siggy had been so distant with me, I felt like he was just mourning Joe, but it was hard to see him so sad.
"What does Siggy say?," I looked over to Alby.
Alby kept his eyes on the Glade," He's ready for you. But if you can't go back, we can put you somewhere else."
"No, I want the kitchen."
Alby nodded," Okay, the kitchen."
"Alby?"
"Mhm?," he turned to look at me.
"I'm sorry" I told him. "Sorry for everything. All the trouble.. I really am, Alby."
"Greenbean, you didn't cause trouble. The maze is trouble. The people who did this are trouble. But us... we're survivors. And soon we'll survive this place and get out, we'll survive somewhere else."
I turned to the entrance of the maze, I had watched Hank and Ben go earlier. "Is it really safe to send them out?"
"No," Alby told me. "But they agreed to it. They take their own risks running the maze."
"I wish they wouldn't... there could another Griever."
"There will always be Greivers, Greenbean," Alby said it so casually, the idea no longer took a toll on his conscience.
There will always be Grievers, I thought to myself. No matter how long we're stuck here, Grievers will never go away. It's like they are one with the maze and the longer we stay here, the more normal it all feels.
"I never could have gone back there," I looked to the grass.
"What?," Alby didn't follow.
"That room. I never could have gone back," in a way I was trying to justify the fire I had started, I wanted Alby to understand why I did it.
"The Bricknicks looked it over, there was nothing left to salvage," Alby informed. "You're sleeping in the Homestead now, how does that feel?,"he asked the question genuinely with no malice intent.
I nodded," I like it."
Alby was quiet for a moment and the silence between us felt stiff. Is he going to ask me about Newt now? If we're a couple or something?
"Do you want you're own hammock?," Alby finally asked.
"No," I swallowed, the idea of us talking about Newt and our relationship, whatever stage it was, made my mouth feel sticky and unnatural.
"Alright," Alby stood up. "If you're up to it, the kitchen is open. Come see me if you need anything, yeah?"
"Yeah," I nodded, staying in the field as he left back to the Homestead.
I can go back to work. Work will help pass the day, make me cry less. That might help... I looked to the Deadhead, I had visited Jackson's grave everyday, but not yet today. I got up and went into the bare trees, all the leaves had fallen, making the Deadhead feel so exposed. I sat down in front of Jackson's grave, Newt said it was good to talk, act like he was really there.
"Hey," I whispered but as usual, there was no answer from the dead. "I miss you...," I paused and looked over my shoulder, there was nothing there. I drew in a breath," I... I still hate this place."
It was hard for me to form a conversation with only one side; if Jackson had been alive, he would have made jokes, laughed, made everything flow together perfectly but now it was all on me.
"Still the same Glade... noting will ever change it," I looked down at my lap. "But you always knew that." A long silence fell as I fumbled with my thoughts and struggled to think of what to say. "I'm sorry," I settled on. "I wish I could take your place, Jackson... you deserve to be alive more than I do. You deserve a life better than all of this... better than being here."
I stayed with him for a while, all the different scenarios in my head about all the conversion we could have had in the future.
"Nobody told me," I sniffled. "Newt didn't even come and get me... I didn't even know you were the one who'd been stung... Why didn't he come and get me, I could have helped you," I looked down at the him. "But no one even bothered... they just, they all just let you die."
I knew in my deepest part of heart that wasn't true. Clint and Jeff would never do that, they would have tried everything, but there was no griever serum and that is the only cure. I stayed there, the sun was starting to fade so I got up and went back to the Homestead, Newt had told me about channeling my emotions and trying to keep them under control. I knew if I ever went off like I had when Alby told me that Jackson had died that I probably would be banished too; I would be a threat to other Gladers if I ran around starting fires so I tried to follow Newt's advice.
"Hey beautiful," he smiled and my heart paused as the blood rushed to my face. Newt said that to me the first time the other day, he had woken up before me and started to get ready and when I woke up he smiled and said 'Good morning beautiful'. The whole idea of it all made my stomach release butterflies but the actual reality was 10 times better.
"Hey," I tucked my hair behind my ear, but couldn't hide the small smile on my face.
"On your way for food?," he asked.
"No" I sighed. "I'm not hungry."
He shook his head with a sly smile," You're never hungry."
I shrugged an looked to the ground, I knew that Newt didn't like the idea of me skipping meals but he didn't want to force me to do anything. I genuinely wasn't hungry and I hadn't sat down with any of the Gladers since what happened at the Builders table.
"Come with me?," he offered.
"I'm really not hungry, Newt," I told him.
"Okay," he nodded, I could tell he had forgotten about it in that second.
"You should go eat," I told him. He knew I wouldn't let him skip his meal, even though I skipped at least one a day. He needed to eat and keep his strength, he actually worked all day, I did nothing.
"I'll come find you after?," he looked at me under his curls.
I nodded,"Yeah, I'll see you then."
He flashed a brilliant smile and jogged towards the food, I watched him until he disappeared then amble around the Glade with no real purpose. I didn't like to stay in one place for too long, I didn't want anyone to just know where I could be found. I felt nervous sitting in one place, I felt like I needed to move around, be everywhere at once so I could be invisible to the Glade. No matter where I went, Newt could find me though like he was immune to my power, which I didn't mind of course. He was the only person here who really would talk to me, most everyone else took a backseat, many would smile to me as we passed but no real conversation formed. If they did ever form a conversation, on the rare occasion, it was awkward, I could tell they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say to me. Newt just treated me like he always had, a little softer especially when I would cry, buy he was same old guy he had been.
Later he found me, I was looking into the animals pens a the Bloodhouse. We had gotten a lamb up when Peter had came, it made Winston happy, it had been a while sine we had gotten lamb.
"How was the food," I asked, watching the lamb run the pen and bleat at he chickens.
Newt scoffed," Eatable... but not great," he admitted.
"Well, Alby told me I could go back to the kitchen," I told him.
"Really?," Newt raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to?"
I shrugged," I do... but I don't at the same time. I want to stop moping about the Glade... but I haven't really talked to Siggy since it all happened."
"Fry is like you," Newt leaned against to fence of the pen. "He bottles it up."
"You said I shouldn't do that," I turned to face him.
"You shouldn't, neither should he," Newt kept his gaze on the lamb.
"Newt...," I paused as he turned now to look upon me. "Why didn't you tell me?
Newt's face remained calm, even with my broad question of interrogation.
"Tell you what?"
"About Jackson... Why didn't you come and get me?" I wanted to hear him out, not be upset, but I could tell that as soon as I asked, my blood was heating.
Newt looked down for a moment," Getting stung... it's awful. I watched Gally go through it and he even had he serum. I watched Tucker fight it, but... he died pretty early," Newt did not want to talk about it, I could tell. "The changing, it's hard... Gally said he saw things he couldn't explain, faces he had never seen before, like he got back some memories... but that they were dark and awful... like something you would want to forget about."
Newt swallowed and didn't meet my eyeline," Jackson, survived all night... he fought the sting with everything he could, but... but you can't survive without the serum."
The thought of him in pain, squirming all night with the intense agony of death at his doorstep made me feel even worse. My flash of anger was gone and I was left in the ashes of despair again as I thought about the death of my friend and all the pain he endured.
"He died alone then," I could barely ask the question.
Newt shook his head," No, Alby was there and so was Jeff and Clint."
"But not his friends..."
Newt drew in a breath," I thought about it," he admitted. "I almost came for you, almost went to the kitchen... but the idea of you having that in your head," Newt finally looked at me. "I couldn't do it."
He died alone... in so much pain. I never got to tell him anything. I never got to say goodbye.
I wiped the tears away, trying my hardest to not let my emotions get the better of me.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye," I struggled to say it.
Newt reached for my hand and I squeezed his back," He knew," Newt told me. "He knew."
The light from the Glade was fading quickly, the doors of the maze were going to close soon.
"Has Ben came back yet?," I asked glancing to the doors.
"Not yet," Net was honest. "But he'll be here."
Great... more stress.
Newt wrapped his other arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him and we both watched the maze silently, waiting for a sign. I took my arms and linked them together around Newt's torso. Just being so close to him helped me feel better and it didn't feel weird or awkward to me in any way. We didn't mention it really, how close we'd gotten these past 4 days, but I didn't want to, it only made things worse to bring it up. Newt's hand left my shoulder and started to fiddle with the ends of my hair, gently stroking small portions, it was surprisingly relaxing.
A few Gladers were headed towards the gates, everyone knew it was getting late. If Ben doesn't come back and he and Hank die in the maze, then they really are killing us off. What else could it be? They must just be done with us, we've served whatever sick purpose and they don't want us to live anymore. As the seconds ticked by, my anxiety was rising. Where are they? Why aren't they back?
But just as soon as I thought the words, they came running into the Glade. I let go of the breath I was holding and relaxed my grip around Newt, I didn't realize I had been squeezing him so tightly.
"Come on," Newt kept his arm around me. "Lets go to bed," he suggested.
I didn't really sleep, but neither did Newt. We would stay up most nights and whisper about whatever we wanted, we'd talk about everything. Newt told me that he didn't care what the Gladers thought and that no one had said a word to him about me sleeping in his hammock. I didn't want to bring it up, talk about the fire or what had happened before so I was grateful that some people were being less bold in what they would say out loud. We would lay in the hammock silently, I would close my eyes and pretend I was asleep until the silence and darkness was long lasting, until we knew the Glade wasn't awake anymore.
"Do you think he really knew?," I asked Newt quietly.
"Of course he did," he stroked my hair.
"I... I just... I feel like it's-..."
"It's not," Newt did not let me finish. "I'll tell you everyday forever that it's not your fault. It's them. They did it, so did Lee... not you."
I sucked in a breath and cuddled closer to Newt," I just can't help but think about it."
"I know," he was so understanding.
"He deserved better," I sighed. "Did I ever tell you that he snuck into the Med hut when I used to stay there? He tried to warn me about the Glade, how everyone thought we were a couple."
"No, you never told me."
My mind wandered into the memory, "He had tripped when he came in," I almost smiled. "I was so mad when he told me... It was because we fell asleep on the tower together."
"I remember that," Newt shifted in the hammock slightly.
"We tried to just act like everything was normal, but it didn't work... go figure," I rolled my eyes. We were both quiet before I spoke again. "He thought outside the Glade was a better place. He thought there was less... less death," I shuddered.
Newt's arm pulled me closer," Whatever's out there, I hope he was right."
"I used to think about what was outside the Glade," I admitted. "I had this dream of living in a house, it was beautiful..."
"A house? Sounds nice."
"It was... have you ever dreamed?"
"Yeah," he went back to tracing circles on my arm. "One time I had a dream that was in a large lake, water was all around me and I was swimming. I swam to the shore and sat out watching the waves and fish."
"That sounds beautiful."
"It was," I could hear the smile on his mouth. "Sometimes I'll still think about it, on rough days, it helps me find a slimmer of peace."
"Jackson deserved that. He deserved to see it, live it, to be a part of the better place."
"He did," Newt agreed.
We were quiet, the only sounds I could hear was Newt's breathing and his steady slow heartbeat. I felt like I was now drifting outside of my body, not really in control of myself, I could still feel Newt beside me but I felt distant. I said the first thing that came to my mind, hoping that I wouldn't float away any farther.
"You were there," I blurted.
"Where?," Newt asked, his voice still low and smooth like he hadn't noticed my sudden statement.
"In the house," I could feel myself coming back, I was in control again, but now I had already told Newt.
"I was?," Newt sounded intrigued.
"Yes... you were there with me."
"So we lived together?"
I felt my cheeks rush with blush, I was embarrassed about this dream but I nodded, confirming with Newt that he was right.
"That sounds awesome," he sounded truthful.
I turned my head up so I could see his face, Newt was looking up at the ceiling, a small smile pulling at his lips. He felt me move and looked down at me, his hair falling into his face, he needs a hair cut, I thought.
"Living in a real house... away from here... getting to be with you," his smile widened. "It sounds perfect."
I let myself smile too," Can I tell you something that might make you think I'm weird?"
"You can try," he brushed a strand of hair from my face.
"In my dream... we had a kid."
Newt's eyes widened slightly, but his smile never waned," A kid? Really?," he sounded interested.
"Oh god," I buried my face into him, my embarrassment was too much.
"No, tell me! I want to hear about it," he shook me, excitedly as his smile widened.
"It's just so crazy," I kept my face hidden from him.
"No, please tell me. I want to hear about it," he asked sincerely. "I wish I had dreams like that."
I pulled away from him, resting my head in the crook of his arm as we looked at one another. I was still smiling, the regret from the slip of my tongue was fading away.
"Well, we were in this beautiful blue room, there was a bed, no hammock, it was huge... and we were sleeping. I woke up and a little boy came in, he called me mama," I told Newt all the details I could remember from the ditsy daydream I had had that felt like a lifetime ago. "He called you daddy."
Newt was listening intently, his dark eyes were still sparkling in the dimly lit room and his smile was so pure and happy.
"He looked just like you," I raised my hand to stroke the side of Newt's face and brush some hair away from his eyes.
"So it was a boy, huh?"
"Yeah, a boy. His name was Callum."
"Callum... I like it," he grinned.
My hand slide down his neck and rested on his shoulder," It sounds crazy," I admitted, looking away from him." Crazy that boy who isn't real in my dreams got a name while I never did."
"No," he wrapped his arms around me," No, it sounds great."
"Could that ever happen?," I was too afraid to look at him as I asked. "Could we ever have a life like that?"
"Hey," Newt coaxed me into facing him again. " The only life I want, whether it's here or out there. I just want to have it with you."
My breath caught, his deep brown eyes were fixed on mine and I saw the truth was pouring out of them.
"I want that too," I found my voice.
This time I didn't need to ask him, Newt just knew. He pulled me to him and I gripped the nape of his neck as his lips brushed me. It was so soft, like it may not have happened until it happened again. He kissed me again, it was just like the first time, a faint pressure that I accepted happily. My hand moved into his curls as neither of us hesitated to go in for a third kiss. My body sparked as Newt's hand went to my lower back and pulled me closer to him, I took a sharp breath in. I could sense Newt wanted to check on me, but I didn't let him, my hands went to his face and drew him back to me. This kiss was faster, I might have pulled him too hard because we met and a new passion was lit inside me. Newt didn't object as his kissed me with same greediness, but then I chose to break it.
I pulled back, breathing hard, Newt also working to catch his breath as we locked our eyes onto one another.
"I would do anything for you," Newt whispered.
I nodded," Me too."
