I felt numb, all my senses had dulled as I stood there. This can't be real. This can't be happening. No, I don't believe it.
"Newt," I felt a tear slide down my face.
"No, listen to me. Please," he begged. " You were never supposed to find out this way. Never, I was going to tell you but I didn't want to overwhelm you after Lee and losing Jackson."
"Newt, please... this can't be real," my breathing started to pick up. "If there's no way out, then... then we can't get out."
"Hey, listen," he turned my face to look at him. "Look at me, I'm here. I'm right here. Take a deep breath, it's alright."
"No," I shook my head but he kept his hands on either side. "No, no, no! It can't be true! Newt, it can't! This can't be real!"
"Shhh," he tried to soothe me, he checked over his shoulder to make sure no one could hear me. "Shhh, it's alright. I know it's a shock, but-..."
"NO! NO, IT'S NOT TRUE!," I shouted.
"It is true," he locked eyes with me. "Look at me, I'm sorry. I...," he voice caught. "I'm so sorry," he leaned his forehead against mine.
I let more tears fall," No, please... it can't be," I cried.
Newt lifted his head, his eyes had also overflown," I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"No, no, no," my legs gave out and I slid to the ground, Newt came with me, cradling me in his arms. He rocked me back and forth while stroking my hair.
"I'm so sorry," he told me again and again.
No way out. Stuck here. Forever. Forever and ever and ever. Here. In the Glade. Never getting out. Never being free. Here forever. It's can't be real. It has to be a sick joke. Forever here. Forever stuck.
I lifted my head," Newt... no, please."
He kissed my temple," I'm sorry... He shouldn't have told you."
Shouldn't have told me? I pushed off of Newt.
"You never told me," I searched his eyes. "You lied to me."
"No," he tired to explain. "I didn't tell you because we-..."
"You lied to me," I repeated with disgust. "You made me think I was getting out!," I pulled away from him completely. "YOU LIED TO ME!"
"Shhh," he stood up and looked back to the Homestead. "No one can know about this," he tried to tell me.
"You! You... you never told me! I had to hear it from Ben! You've known for so long and you never told me!"
"Listen, I was-," he reached out for me but I drew further away.
"Don't touch me!"
He retracted his arms, his eyes filled with hurt at my outburst.
"I...I...," he couldn't find the right words.
"Why didn't you tell me! Why did you lie!?"
"I... I couldn't tell you. You were never supposed to know."
"So your plan was to lie to me forever?! Lie to me until this place killed me!?"
"No," he stepped closer but I stepped back, so he stopped. His head dropped," I was going to tell you one day, I swear. But I know you're still struggling here."
I let out a loud gasp, the world seemed to spin and I couldn't stop myself.
"I can't believe you! I can't believe you did this to me! You're a liar!"
He lifted his head and wiped his eyes," I never meant for this to hurt you."
I shook my head," You were never gonna tell me. You're lying to me now like you lied to me this whole time."
"No, I would never hurt you. I made that promise and I meant it. I will never hurt you."
I crumpled to the ground again, curling my legs to my chest. Never getting out, I'll be here forever. Never getting out. Never leaving the Glade.
"Please, I'm so sorry," Newt squatted down beside me.
"Don't touch me," I sobbed. "Leave me alone!"
"I love you, I'm not going to leave you."
"Go away! Just go away," I begged him as I lay in the dirt.
"Newt? Newt!," another voice floated in the air.
Newt stood up," YOU TOLD HER! BLOODY HELL, ARE YOU JACKED?!
I looked up and saw Newt push Ben, hitting his chest and causing him to stumble.
"I didn't mean to," Ben cowered. "S-She got it out of me. I-I never meant to, I swear it!"
Newt's jaw tightened," Go! Go get Clint, tell him to come here. Then go and tell Alby to meet me in the Med Hut."
"Newt, I-I..."
"Just go!," he shouted to Ben who scrambled away.
I had never heard Newt yell before, it was hollowing. The booming sound of his deep voice was terrifying, it made me curl up tighter. Newt turned to me, his face softened.
"It'll be okay, I promise you."
I didn't say anything, I just laid there hugging my knees tightly staring at the bush next to me.
"Newt?," It was Clint this time.
"Clint," I looked up to him.
"Oh, Greenie," he kneeled down. "What happened? Are you hurt?," he looked over his shoulder to Newt. "Ben didn't tell me anything, he only said to get here fast."
"We need to get her to the med hut," Newt told him.
"I won't move her if she's hurt. Greenie, tell me where it hurts."
I sat up and threw my arms over Clint and I cried," It hurts everywhere," I told him. Clint froze, he went rigid and I could feel this was something new for him.
He gently pulled back to look me in the eyes," Tell me what's wrong," Clint's concern increased.
I wiped my nose," Do you know about it too?"
"Know about what?," he looked back to Newt," She's not making any sense."
"That's why we need her at in the Med Hut."
"Come on, Greenie," he wrapped an arm around me, lifting back onto my feet.
"Please, no... please, don't," I felt too tired to fight him off.
"Here," Newt came and scooped me into his arms.
"Put me down! Let me go!," I hit his chest but he did not comply. I didn't struggle like I should have, I didn't kick my legs, arch my back. I didn't squirm out of his grasp like I wanted to, I just let the tears fall.
Newt carried me and then laid me down on the first cot in the Med Room. I turned away from him and curled up into myself again.
"Tell me what happened? How can I help?"
Newt whispered something to him so I flipped back around.
"GET OUT!," I screamed.
Clint and Newt had their backs to me, both jumped at my screech.
"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!," I sat up and screamed louder.
"Greenie, calm down," Clint came over with his hand out, to be nonthreatening.
"JUST GET OUT! GET OUT!," I picked up my pillow and threw it at Newt, he ducked it easily.
It was then that Alby came running into the room with Ben following, he quickly assessed the room and came to the cot to stop me from throwing something else.
"JUST GO AWAY! EVERYONE GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"Give her something, Clint!," Alby demanded.
"The only thing I have takes time to-..."
"JUST DO IT," Alby commanded and held my arms down.
"NO! NO! NO! PLEASE NO!"
"It's okay, calm down, please...," Newt came to the other side of the bed.
Clint practically pushed him out of the way holding something up to my mouth.
I clenched my mouth as tightly as I could but he managed to force it past my lips. It was bitter and I gagged on it, spitting it back out. Clint only picked it up again and repeated the process.
"Don't! You're hurting her," Newt stopped Clint.
"Clint do it," Alby told him as I flailed in the bed to get away from them all.
"LIARS! YOU LIED TO ME" I twisted my body and kicked my legs. "WE'RE NEVER GETTING OUT!"
"When will it start working?," Alby asked Clint.
He stuttered his response," I-I.. I'm not sure. It could take 10 minute or maybe an hour."
"Give her more, do it before she hurts somebody."
"Alby, you're hurting her, ease up please," Newt tried to pull Alby off of me.
"PLEASE! PLEASE!," I begged and cried.
"No, I don't want her to hurt someone," Alby refused. "Greenbean, you need to calm down. You need to calm down now."
"GET OFF ME YOU LIARS! YOU'RE ALL LIARS! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
I could feel the effect of whatever Clint had given to me, my legs were cramping and my eyelids were feeling heavy but I was fighting against it as hard as I could. But eventually, it took me over and I blacked out.
I woke up, my wrists were tied to the edge of the cot, so were feet, so I couldn't get up. I pulled at the rope but it was tied tightly and had really no give so I was stuck where I was.
"Hey," Newt was at my bedside. "Hey, just relax, try not to pull."
"Why did you tie me up!"
He bowed his head," Alby doesn't want you to-.."
I pulled at wrists again," Of course you do whatever he says," I spat at him.
"Please," he fingers touched my hands. "It'll only make it hurt more."
"It already hurts," I said to myself. "Where is he? Where's Alby?"
"Asleep. It's late, almost morning."
"How long was I out?"
"Just a few hours," he sat back in the chair.
"Why are you here? I want you to go away."
"I'm not leaving," he said defiantly. "Not until you let me explain this to you. I need you to understand."
"I understand everything," I gritted my teeth. "Everything you've told me is a lie!"
"No," he hook his head violently. "No, that's not true."
"Everything you've told me since you've found this out.. it's all a lie."
"No, everything I told you is true. Everything... I just couldn't tell you about this."
"Why not?!"
"Because of this!," he gestured to me in the bed. "Your reaction to bad news! I knew it'd be drastic and Alby didn't want anyone to know. No one else knows besides us and the Runners."
"So Clint and Jeff?"
"No," he sighed. "Which made this all harder to explain," he rubbed his face.
"Oh yeah, I'm really sorry for making this difficult for you," I rolled my eyes and pulled on my retraints.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"I don't care if you're sorry, Newt. You lied to me. You're still lying to everyone. The Glade has the right to know!"
"But they can't," he told me softly. "No one can know about this."
"Why not? Because this is a lie too? Did you really find a way out but are keeping us trapped here?"
Newt lifted his head and rested his eyes on my face, I glared him down.
"You know I would never do that."
"I don't believe there's no way out. There has to be a way out, that's the whole reason there's a maze right? You just have given up."
"No, we haven't given up. The runners still go and check every possible avenue, but... there's nothing they haven't seen."
"I don't believe that. If they ran it all they would have found a way out!," I pulled at my restraints again. "Let me out of this thing!," I demanded. "Let me out of this place," I vision blurred with tears. "Just let me go!"
"Hey," he stood up and brushed my hair from my face," Please don't struggle, it only makes it tighter."
I pulled as hard as I could but nothing gave in, then I screamed with frustration and thrashed in the bed. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"
"Stop! Stop," Newt begged me. "Please!"
I stopped and breathed heavily," Why are you doing this to me. I thought you loved me," I cried.
Newt wiped his own tears away," I love you. I love you more than anything else."
"How do I know that's not another lie?"
"I love you," his watery caramel eyes glistened. "I never lied about that. I love you and I still bloody love you."
I closed my eyes and hiccuped," Then why did you lie to me?"
He sighed," I-..."
"And tell me the truth," I opened my eyes to stare him down. "I deserve the truth. I know it's not because of Alby, you've broken his rules before. Tell me why you lied to me."
Newt scratch his head and then clasped his hands in his lap, he stayed silent for a moment longer.
"You're right, it has nothing to do with Alby. The day I found out... it was unreal," he leaned forward onto his knees. "I didn't believe at first wither, I mean, I had been a runner, the whole reason we do it is to find the way out. That what motivates us to get up everyday and run those walls. But when Mihno showed us the map... it was filled. Every turn had been charted, every change had been accounted for, there was nothing else there. I felt like it was a lie, there had to be something else out there, something we missed. They ran it again and again but there was nothing. The maze had no exit, it has no exit," he turned to me. "The idea of it crushed me, I knew I was never getting to go see the other life I had imagined for myself, that taste of freedom was gone forever. Alby said we would never tell anyone about it, we had to keep hope alive. If everyone realized we were never getting out, this place would fall apart.
When we got together, I wanted to tell you, but I saw your hope. It was beautiful, you had such a hard start in the Glade but I saw you shine... you had dreams and real aspirations. How could I destroy that?," another tear fell of his face. "I couldn't smash it, it was too precious. I wanted you to have hope. Hope is so powerful and you know that."
I shook my head," So you let me lie to myself too? You let me think I was going to get out of here, be with you... and you knew it would never happen. That's cruel, Newt."
"It only feels that way because you know the truth. When you didn't know, those thoughts and dreams were what kept you motivated."
He's right... I wanted out so bad and now that's never going to happen.
"So," my voice cracked," This is forever?"
"Don't think of it like that," he reached up and took my hand, grasping it. "Think of it like-..."
"No," shook my head. "The reality is that this is forever. These four walls. This life, this is what I have to live with?"
"You have me," he told me. "I'll always be here."
"I...," I blubbered. "I.. I can't do that. I can't live this life, Newt. I can't do it... I can't be here forever," I squeezed his hand tightly.
"It's just overwhelming, the Glade hasn't as bad as your experience has been," he leaned closer to me. "I know it's been awful, but it'll never be like that again. Ever! You have me and Frypan, Ben and Clint, Jeff too. You have so many people here who care about you and I will do everything in my power to help you in anyway I can."
I locked eyes with Newt," I can't do this," I told him. "I don't want to live this way."
"Life here is different, but it's still life. Please, I just want you to see that."
"If this is life than I want to die," I let the sobbing take over again. "Just let me die then!"
"No, don't say that. Please, never say that."
"Just go away," I released his hand. "Leave me alone," I cried into the pillow, turning my face from him.
"I'll let you rest," he said quietly but he never left.
He sat there beside my bed as the sun rose over the Glade and I could see morning blossom through the cracks of the room. I took me about an hour of so to calm myself and stop crying again, but I never went back to sleep. If I slept I would wake up and think everything was normal again and then have to remember it all over. Alby came in finally, he and Clint check my wrists and ankles, they were red and swollen from all my tugging and pulling, so Clint loosened them.
Alby took Newt's spot in the chair beside my bed," Greenbean? How you feelin'."
"Betrayed," I told him.
He was quiet then turned to Clint," Can we get a minute, please?"
Clint left the room and I was alone with Newt and Alby.
"Still trying to keep it all a secret," I rolled asked him in my scratchy voice.
"Of course, no one needs to know this," Alby told me. "This is something that no other Glader can learn about."
"Why? So you can stay in control?"
"You know that would never be my reasoning," Alby leveled with me. "We can't let them win."
Them... he means whoever put us here.
"If I tell everyone that they've caged us here like rats for experiments then whoever is doing this to us gets to watch us crumble. I've worked with the boys out there for too long, I can't let that happen to them. I won't."
"So what are you telling people? Why am I tied to a bed?!," I spat accusingly.
He sighed," Not much, we're keeping this as quiet as possible, but I've decided we'll tell people you just...had an episode about Jackson or something. I don't know," Alby rubbed his head.
"Alby," Newt called his attention. "I think we may need to do something else."
"Something else?," he turned in his chair to face New. Newt beckoned him into the corner with a jerk of his head where the two whispered about something I couldn't overhear. I saw Alby's head drop and his eyes dart to me before nodding in agreement.
"Hello? I'm still here."
"Yeah go and tell Clint," Alby dismissed Newt.
Newt's eyes lingered on me before he left, I could see that he was distraught by everything but I was in no mood to sympathize.
"Get what ready?," I asked.
"Greenie, Newt tells me you said something about wanting to die?"
I looked away from him and didn't open my mouth.
"That worries me," he leaned down. "So, as a precaution, we'll keep you under strict watch. It's not a punishment, I don't want you to think that, but I don't want you to do something irrational."
"Is it because I said that or because you don't want me to spill your secret," I asked quietly still not looking at him.
"Every Glader is my priority," he told me. "I want to keep you safe, Greenbean."
