Chapter 54: Gospel


MPOV

~About a year ago~

After meeting both Kat and Andrea, Kat had been convinced and determined to find her family. She would never stay still, but she would only stay still whenever she was wandering around, fixing things and sometimes, she wouldn't sleep. She'd be eager to continue the next day, in search of her family and getting stronger as they days continued. "Kat, what are you doing?" Andrea asked, after Andrea had told her to sit still and stay quiet.

Kat had been staring down at a fire, her eyes glued to the flames as they flickered and illuminated her skin. Her eyes were light, as though they were compelled and I could see how there was a passion in her that was reflected in her eyes. "What does it look like I'm doing Andrea?" Kat sassed as she looked up at her blonde companion. "I'm sorry," Kat apologized quickly. Her knees were tucked under her chin and her arms were wrapped around her legs. "I'm just a little stressed..." Kat tried to explain what was wrong with her.

Raising her hand to rest the plam against her forehead, she truthfully looked as though she wanted nothing more than to let go of the tension inside of her. "No, I get it," Andrea nods, her eyes concerned as I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. Cleaning my sword and glancing at the walkers I had once known. "But...I don't want you to have your hopes too high," Andrea tried to keep her voice level, kind and gentle.

Andrea's hand reached to touch Kat's shoulder as she kneeled down beside her on the grass and beside the fire. "What are you talking about, Andrea?" Kat questioned her, pulling her shoulder out of Andrea's hold and furrowing her eyebrows in both anger and confusion.

"Well...your family might not be alive when you want to find them," the blonde struggled to try and comfort and bring her friend down easy. Hearing these words, I would side eye the girls and wondered how the brunette was going to react. "Hell. You night never find them," Andrea shrugged, as though this was fact or just a 'lucky guess'.

The brown eyed stubborn girl wasn't going to take what Andrea was saying. "Andrea, I'm very tempted to hit you right now," Kat growled as she pushed herself as far away from Andrea as possible. "I won't take any negativity," she ordered. "My family is out there, I know it and I won't ever dout it," she said as she got to her feet and straightened up beside Andrea. "So either you agree with me, or I do this alone," Kat spoke as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Because I'm not taking anyone with me, if they're going to be negative about something I know is out there," she gave her conditions as she looked to me and then back down at Andrea pointedly.

Wandering away, she had left me and Andrea alone, all whilst she'd go and wander off into the woods alone. Something in me admired her. She was determined to find her family, to get what she wanted and she wasn't going to let anyone get in the way. No one and nothing. Negativity was the first thing that wouldn't convince her that her family was gone, she was determined to find them and had faith that her family were alive and well. She has a fire in her that I admire. It's like being a moth to a flame. I'm instantly drawn.


Present day...RPOV

The past few weeks, we had been walking and trying to recover after both Tyreese's and Beth's deaths. Somehow, most of our group had gotten darker and more and more depressed. How I could tell, was because the first one that made me notice was when I heard how negative Kat was becoming towards those of us that cared the most for her. Myself, a few others and Kat had gone in search for water. For anything we could salvage from our dying earth.

Walking closer, I saw how she blankly dug into the ground and stared at nothing, as though she was in a dark void she could never get out of. "You know, when your mom died..." I began as I walked over and stood still, looking around for if anyone was overhearing us and for any walkers that could come over to us. "I didn't know where to go on from there, I just felt...numb," I revealed with a shrug, my hands on my hips, but my finger pads gently touched my gun.

Kat had stopped digging, but she hadn't looked up at me. I knew that this conversation was much overdue, but I felt this was the right time to talk to her. To remind her that it would all be okay. "Like nothing mattered," I mumbled, ashamed that this was who I had been before. "Not even Carl and Judith mattered to me," I told her honestly. "I wanted to scream, to cry and to kill anything or anyone that came in my way," I tried desperately to make her see I knew exactly what she was going through.

Remembering those sensations, all those thoughts and the pain that I had felt with Lori's death, I knew I had to try and make Kat see it wasn't easy. But, that it simply was something I had to come back from. "I'd lost someone I loved, someone I never wanted to lose in the first place," I told Kat truthfully, remembering how I had been cold to Lori and how regretted not showing her how much I truly loved her. "Not to mention, I thought I had lost you too," I stated as I smiled down at her.

Her crystal blues looked up at me and she pursed her lips a little. As though trying hard not to smile. Crouching down beside her, I tried to keep my eyes level to hers and hold her gaze. "I began to lose it," I told her as I stared into her eyes. "Not just my sanity, but my soul," I pointed at my chest as I spoke to her, needing her to see the pain I had felt and that what I was saying could be relatable to her. "This life...its not easy," I stated the facts.

"You got that right," Kat mumbled with a small roll of her eyes and turned her head to look away from me.

Shuffling to get back into her eye sight, I wanted us to talk intimately about this, to let her trust me and allow me to bring her back from this. "We've made it this far," I reminded her. "Sure, we've lost a few people we loved along the way, but that's just what life is," I told her the hard truth. "We love, we lose and we move on," I said what the cycle was in life. "It ain't always going to be easy to keep fighting, to keep trying to survive," I agreed with the difficulty it was to stay alive and to keep pushing forward.

"But, we need to make sure that we can hold off death for however long we can. I know you've only been seeing the evil that comes out of this world," I spoke sincerely, shaking my head when needed and my words made her head turn to look at me and eyes glue towards mine. "But it'll get better," I assured her. "It has to," I said with all the hope I had for the world to change. "Not just for Carl, or us, but for Judith," I stated those who mattered to us, but someone who deserved the world to change and for the better.

Staring into her eyes, there was something in the way I spoke to her, something that made her eyes spark in a way I hadn't seen her do for long a while. "You need to have faith that we can jump back onto our feet after all that's happened," I pleaded with her to at least try and be hopeful. "I have faith, so should you," I encouraged her to follow my lead. "If not, at least give it time to come back to you," I suggested for her to at least think positively, even if she didn't feel it. Because, we both knew it would crush his brother to see her so low. "Your soul, is just as great as mine is. Don't lose it," I spoke honestly to her, knowing that she was more special than I ever could be.


DPOV

Digging for water, I felt numb. Too many thoughts ran through my head, too many emotions were colliding with one another as it spiraled inside me. Darkness fighting with the light that was beginning to burn out. My light was a simple flickering flame, one that was getting blown away with each tragedy. The most tragic death, had been the one of Beth's, as I had worked so hard in trying to find her and save her with Kat. How I had done nothing in saving Beth, how I should of looked for her and not given up on looking for her.

I felt like I had the biggest part to play in her death. That if I had kept searching for her, she wouldn't of died and Kat wouldn't of felt as low as I've heard whispering about from Michonne and Rick, along with some of the others that had noticed. Something was happening to us, but I wasn't sure if it was ever going to get better for any of us. It's all my fault. I should have done more. I should of tried harder. We should have gone in guns blazing with Rick. I don't care anymore, all I want is to leave them all. They'd all be better off without me. I can't save anyone, never mind protect them.

Digging the soil that was too dry to find any water from, I somehow by miracle came across a simple worm. Rummaging through the ground, I placed the worm in my hand and cleaned it of any dirt. Something so small, so delicate. So full of life. Feeling a darkness inside me that I hadn't felt in a long time, I raised the worm above my head, dumped the squirming creature into my mouth and chewed it to death before I devoured it and took whatever energy it had inside of me. This life is cruel. If people as sweet and kind as Beth had died, then you must be the next victim to suffer from this world too, worm.

Giving up in searching for water, I got to my feet and wandered in search of Maggie and Sasha. Finding Maggie, she was wiping tears and had killed a walker. The way she looked at me, she reflected exactly what I felt. Finding Sasha hiding frogs under dirt, her eyes were wide and there was a silent darkness that began to invade her senses. Something I knew, would only get worse. We had all felt dead, giving each other a signal, we realised that there was no water to be found. Time to head back...

None of us had uttered a single word. Not to one another and to not need to break the dark silence. A silence that gave us some sort of comfort. We don't need to ask how the other feels. We all feel dead. "Oh, shit," Sasha had cussed.

Under the heat, the numbness that took over me, I knew that this was the same feeling that the girls were feeling. We all had lost something over the last couple of weeks, as we had lost people and a part of ourselves. How did we all get in this mess? "It's been a day and a half," I heard Maggie mumble. "They didn't find any either," she stated as I wandered ahead of them, the sun shinning behind my head.

Sasha seemed surprised to hear this, as though Maggie was with superhero senses. Or something. Spotting Kat in the distance, she was close to her family, but curled up, alone. "How do you know?" Sasha asked her curiously, I could tell by how no one drank and how they all stared up at us expectantly, as though waiting for us to surprise them, hoping we had found at least a drop of water to share.

My eyes were glued to Kat, her eyes were sad, but zoned out as she stared at her family numbly. I knew she had cried the moment Beth died, the moment that we began to burry Tyreese and I wondered what was going on in that mind of hers. I hate seeing her in pain, it's all my fault. "I know," Maggie grumbled. "How much longer we got?" she asked, exhausted from the long distance we had traveled on foot. One of our vehicles gave out, so we all had to crowd into one car.

"60 miles," Sasha sighed, as though she wasn't going to enjoy the long walk we still had to do in order to get to Washington.

Something in Maggie's voice, hinted she was completely dead inside, as though she couldn't stand fighting anymore. After losing both her father and sister in a short amount of time. I was worried as to how she was processing everything. Along with poor Sasha, who had lost someone she loved and her brother, all in the short span of a few weeks. "I wasn't talking about that," Maggie concluded our small chat, one that I hadn't been interacting in and observed the others closely. Not once, had Kat turned her head to look to our direction. She seems more hopeless than us. Guess we're going to form our own club, one that I don't want any part of. I don't deserve to be around these wonderful, strong and smart people...


RPOV

Riding in the car, we kept driving until suddenly, the engine began sputtering. This, was indication enough that the car had reached its end of the journey. Lasted longer than I thought. Guess that's a positive sign. "We're out, just like the other one," Abraham grumbled, looking to me as he waited for my next instructions and decided to savour the moment. Come up with a decent plan for myself, the group and my children.

Coming to a conclusion, I nod and looked around. Noticing how there weren't many walkers behind us, I knew we could walk a few miles without getting caught in a mass of them. "So we walk," I suggested as I got out and everyone followed after me. We all began walking once again, wandering on the roads, sticking to the route and hoping for our destination to be worth the miles we had ahead of us.

Carl wanted to have a break from holding Judith, he was going to give her to Kat, but she had declined. Taking Judith from Carl, I knew that Kat was only struggling with the demons that were inside of her, with the dark thoughts she had towards this world and how it was clouding her goals. The example she had given me, was slowly slipping through her fingers. She seemed less dark and numb than before, but I knew it was going to be a slow, gradual progress. Baby steps.

Wandering over to Daryl, I saw how he too would check for how close the walkers were and I noticed his eyes glance at Kat. Kat had wandered over to a spot, ahead of me and Daryl slightly, but behind Abraham. "We're not at our strongest. We'll get 'em when it's best," I told Daryl whilst discussing the walkers following us. "High ground, something like that," I suggested a good vantage point. "They're not going anywhere," I stated. They'll continue to follow us. That's certain.

Noting his silence, I too felt something bad about Daryl. He had changed drastically since bringing Kat back to us and since Beth had died. It was as though he had been trying his hardest not to speak to us, or not to be close to us. He'd disappear into the woods and return a few hours later with almost nothing, or a few dead animals we could eat. "It's been three weeks since Atlanta," I stated the facts.

A huge amount of us had felt depressed over the last few days, some more than others, but it was understandable for each case. Whilst Daryl, like always, was like a closed book. "I know you lost something back there," I tried to get him to open up to me, to talk to me as the friends we were. As the man who admired my daughter. To which, now I wasn't so certain they cared for one another the way they had. I know they care, but I don't know if they are falling for one another.

Judith began fussing in my arms. "She's hungry," Daryl said, his eyes glued to the distance of the road, his body tense and his expression was emotionless. Finally, his head had turned to one side and looked to Kat as she walked ahead. Her eyes glued in the direction of the road, a blank expression on her face and her eyes squinting at the sky.

Shifting Judith's weight in my arms, I looked to Judith and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. Such sweet and kind innocence. Having to grow up to this world, fight and defend herself before she can walk and talk. "She's okay," I assured Daryl with a nod as I looked down at Judith in my arms. "She's going to be okay," I tried to convince Daryl that Kat would be fine as I glanced at her and pointed to her with my chin. She's stronger than anyone I've ever known. She'll get through this. I know she will.

Noticing where I was directing my words, Daryl glanced at me and then back at Kat. Taking in what I said and clenching his jaw before swallowing a large lump in his throat. Staring back at the distance, I tried to keep close but at a respectful distance of him. "We need to find water, food," Daryl encouraged us to find more resources. More reasons for him to keep away from us.

Trying to stay positive, I knew that it was something Kat would of wanted from me. So, I tried to keep the hope alive, even if it wasn't going to affect Kat much. But, I had to try. "We'll hit something in the road," I said, hopeful that we'd find something on the road. "It's gonna rain sooner or later," I spoke up to the sky, noticing that the clouds were clear, but I hoped they'd turn dark later rather than sooner.

Not listening, Daryl chose to do what he wanted to. Going against my hope and encouragement to stay positive. "I'm gonna head out," he said as he looked down and took off the gun I had given him. "See what I can find," he mumbled, as though he really would find anything in the woods, after none of us finding anything in the miles we had driven from the last break we took.

Taking the gun off him, I slung it over my shoulder and held Judith tightly to me as I stared back at a frozen Daryl. "Hey, don't be too long," I warned him.

"I'll go with you," Kat spoke up, chosing to join Daryl in his quest to find anything. Something told me, that both of them were keeping secrets, or at the very least, hidden thoughts about something. What? I didn't know.

Instantly, Daryl tried to stop my daughter from joining him in the adventure of finding nothing in the woods. "I got it," Daryl assured her with a nod and wandered over to the woods. Kat slowed down and began to walk backwards, squinting at him surpised he had denied her to join him.

With this, Kat was going to challenge him and try to push him in any way she would or could. "What?" Kat asked him curiously. "Are you going to stop me?" she challenged him to attempt to stop her, to which he hadn't responded, only kept walking and stayed silent. Following him, they both wandered into the woods and searched for whatever they could in the woods.


CPOV

Wandering alone, Kat had left with Daryl and I wasn't strong enough to hold Judith again for another 4 hours. Slowing down to catch up with Maggie, I remembered the object that was still in my bag. "Found this when we were looking for water," I said as I fished into my backpack and pulled out the small box.

Inside it, was a blonde ballerina that would of sang and danced in my imagination. Which, in all truth, reminded me of the sweet and beautiful Beth. She was kind, sweet and always giving me good advice. She was beautiful too, and she could sing. "What is it?" Maggie asked as she took it gently from me.

Her delicate, frail, dirty fingers danced along the surface. Tracing every detail, Maggie's eyes were glued to the small box with the twirling thing on the back. I can't remember anything from the past life we used to have. The life we had all considered normal, now, I don't know what is right, wrong or normal. "I think it used to play music," I tried to figure out what it was, but took a shot at guessing. "It's broken," I informed her, telling her that I had in fact, tried to crank the box and nothing had happened.

"Thanks, Carl," Maggie thanked me with a small smile.

Opening the box, she looked inside and noticed the small, blonde ballerina. Worried for Maggie, I knew how it felt to lose a sister, or at least, believe they had died...twice. It wasn't easy and all I could imagine, was it would be worse finding them dead, compared to never seeing the bodies of them when we believed them to be dead. "I thought you might like it," I stated before I looked away and walked ahead of her.


MPOV

For hours, we had been walking and the sun was slowly beginning to go down. Indicating that we didn't have much time left, that we had a few more miles to go before we could effectively lay low for the night and take down the walkers that followed us. "We can take 'em," Sasha spoke confidently as she looked behind us and at the walkers.

Slowing down a little, I glanced behind us and noticed how the walkers were gathering, slowly they were following us. The only way we knew they'd disappear, was if there was a noise to draw them towards it, or if we killed them. We can't risk using the supplies and what's left of our energy. "Rick's right," I agreed with Rick's earlier statement. "We barely have anything left. No use in spending it all now," I tried to convince Sasha that waiting was for the best.

Ignoring my words, she stopped and looked back. Her eyes glued to the walkers and there was an expression on her face. One I had only seen on another person. Someone close to her. Tyreese. "I can take 'em," she spoke, confident, her eyes squinting and her jaw clenching. Determined to kill them all and risk her life.

Stopping beside her, our bodies faced each other, but her gaze was glued to the walkers that wandered closer to us. "Your brother was pissed, too, after what he lost," I tried to connect with her, to make her see that I understood what she was going through, seeing as I had already seen the scene play out before. "It made him stupid," I stated kindly, trying to make her see things clearly.

Her gaze met mine, her eyes angry and wild, whilst her breathing had made her nose flare. It was the same expression of denial Tyreese wore when he had lost Karen back at the prison. "We are not the same," Sasha spoke stubbornly. "We never were," she tried to convince not only me, but herself that this was true.

Laughing mentally, all I could do, was smile at her and hope she didn't find my gestures mocking or insulting. If Tyreese could see you now, he'd agree with me and say you two are exactly the same. "But it's still the same," I told her. "It just is," I said after a small shrug and stopped smiling. Staring into her eyes, I tried to make her see how serious this type of reckless action was. Sasha's expression was serious and blank. Turning away from me and back to the others, she moved to follow after the group and when I was certain she wouldn't turn back, I followed after her.


DPOV

Wandering the woods, I truthfully wanted to stay away from everyone. Especially from the Grimes family, specifically, Katherine. I didn't want to be anywhere near her, as I felt like I failed her too in the process of our search for Beth. That Beth wasn't my first failure, as I had made many mistakes before. "Anything?" Kat had asked me as we wandered through tall grass.

Glancing at the ground and feeling the texture beneath my boots, I knew that the soil was too dry to be considered moist. That we would have any chance in getting water from the said soil. "No, it's too dry," I informed her. "There ain't nothing here," I mumbled, but when I said those words, it felt like there was a double meaning.

Kat had wandered through the grass and I couldn't stand looking at her. I didn't want to look at her, as I feared that she would agree with my thoughts. Tell me how I was a failure, how I had ruined everything and how it was my fault that Beth had died. "Maybe we should head back," Kat suggested. But I can't.

"You should go," I suggested to her back, knowing that she deserved to be with them, as she could protect her family better than I ever could. She was strong, smart and I saw how my failure in saving Beth and her had impacted her. How she became cold and depressed. But I can't go back with you. Please...just leave me.

Kat wasn't taking any of my shit, and I could tell by how she somehow picked up on what I was hinting at her. "Beth...she saved my life," Kat told me, her voice trembling slightly as she wandered closer to me. "I saw it in her eyes, in her acts of kindness and how she looked out for me," she regathered her voice and composure. "She saved your life, too, right?" Kat asked me.

Turning slightly, I couldn't look her in the eyes, but I knew that if Beth hadn't been there, I would of believed that Kat had died and I didn't know what else would of happened to me if Beth wasn't there. I knew what I wanted to say, but my whole body fell silent and my mind was screaming, while my heart was being broken.

Pulling out something, I didn't want to look at her, not even at her hand or her eyes or any part of her. I was too afraid of what could happen if I gave in and allowed her to see this vulnerable side of me. To see the struggle I was having with everything she could of imagined. "This was hers," Kat said as she handed me Beth's knife. "We're not dead," Kat whispered in a soft tone. "That's what you said to me back in Atlanta," she reminded me.

"And guess what?" Kat questioned me. "You're not dead," she pointed out, giving me this speck of hope I hadn't seen in her after a long time. "I know you. We're not different," Kat said with a shake of her head. "You and me, we-" Kat began but then covered her mouth, as her lips trembled and tears began to flood from her eyes. "I know you," she repeated. "You have to let yourself feel it," she encouraged me to let my emotions out and to stop bottling them up, being numb and not letting myself move on from my mistakes.

What happened next, left me with slight surprise. Kat had gently placed her hands to either side of my face and leaned in, placing a gentle kiss to my cheek. Her lips were featherlight and warm, but it hadn't lasted long. Pulling away, her eyes fluttered open and a small, sad smile played on her lips as she sniffled. "And you will. I know you will," Kat was confident in her beliefs before she caressed my cheeks with her thumbs and stepped away from me. Without another word, she walked away and left me there, alone.


MPOV

After reaching a bridge, we told others such as Tara, Noah, Carl, Judith, Carol, Eugene and Rosita to go to the end of the bridge. To wait while we'd lose the walkers and make them fall off the bridge and into the river. Myself, Rick, Glenn, Sasha, Abraham and Maggie were steering the walkers away from us. Dodging them, we moved out of their reach and watched as they would fall to down the sides. Sasha wandered over to a walker, instead of pushing him or dodging the walker, she clutched its shirt in her hand and reached for her knife. "Sasha," I warned her quietly, my voice ferral and I was trying to make her follow our plan.

Without warning, she took hold of her knife, pulled it out and stabbed the walker in the head. Dropping its body to the ground, we all knew it was too late to try and push or dodge the walkers. We needed to fight. Which was exactly what both myself and the others were hoping to prevent from happening. "Stay in line. Flank her. Keep it controlled," Rick began to give orders as he pulled out his machete.

"Plan just got dicked," Abraham grumbled.

Sasha was completely out of it, she was in an state where all she was focusing on, was her anger and heart beating quickly from the rush. A rush that I knew was unhealthy and could possibly kill her if she wasn't careful. The girl isn't stable. Fighting off walkers, I swung my sword and chopped down walkers that got too close for comfort. Taking hold of Sasha, I tried to stop her from killing anymore walkers, before she'd lose her fight and more importantly, what was left of her mind. Her eyes were wild, teeth clenched and her skin coated in sweat. "Stop," I ordered when she'd went to stab me in the heart but was stopped by my hand gripping her arm tightly.

"Just get out of here," I warned her again. As the fight was happening, Kat and Daryl had appeared from the woods and helped us fight against the walkers. Protecting us and killing a few of them, to keep them away from us and to not grab hold of anyone. Sasha ignored my warning again, she pulled her arm out of my grip and continued fighting. Slowing her fight, I knew she was losing the strength and the energy to keep this act going.

Saving Sasha, I had shoved her onto the ground and saw as she fell flat on her ass. "I told you to stop," I panted as I pointed down at Sasha, showing her that this was what happened due to her crazy actions. Getting to her feet, she glared at me and came toe to toe with me. As though she could scare me with her glaring and panting. Walking away, I knew that she was simply acting this way because she had lost people she loved, but I worried that she was going to lose her mind, soul and life to her actions.


KPOV

Lately, Carl would look after Judith and he protected her from things I wasn't sure I could do anymore. He was being the big brother he was meant to be, while I was failing him. Somehow, this was giving me encouragement to not forget the lessons I learned, but to at least keep faith. Or at least, to believe in my brother, in my family and the ones I loved. I feared what happened, but I was only realizing that this life was shit and that life, family and friends was all we had left. "Dad, Kat, look," Carl called to us, making me pull myself away from my thoughts.

Glancing at the distance, I squnited and saw how there were cars parked there. How it all seemed too conviniently placed, as though they were there to guide us somewhere, like they were presents. We didn't seem to trust it and I wasn't sure I trusted anything, other than those who surrounded me. Yet, I had my doubts about the priest and Eugene. "I'm gonna head into the woods, circle back," Daryl said, as though he was going to protect us from anything we may not see coming our way.

I was a little worried, as I had shown him a vulnerable part of myself as he was too deep in the darkness. Mine was an emotional darkness, but Daryl was holding his sadness back. I noticed how he was distancing himself from us. How he hardly spoke to any of us and left at any chance he'd get. "Can I come with?" I asked him.

"No," Daryl rejected me instantly. "No, just me," he mumbled as he wandered over to the woods and disappeared. Something in me broke a little, as I had never felt this for another person, not as strong as this. With family, it felt like a sink, but with Daryl, I had felt like he had broken a piece of me. I could feel his pain, and it made me worry for him, more than it made me worry for myself.


DPOV

Something in me didn't want to be anywhere near Kat, not like how I had been before. I simply felt like pulling away from her, everytime she got too close. This reaction, was as though it was a subconscious instinct. I had to get away from her, as it was either that, or have to endure having her around me and trying to connect with me in any way possible. What was worse, was she somehow always knew how to let my vulnerable side come out.

Wandering in the woods, it gave me a distraction and a reason to stay away from her and the rest of the group. Forgetting what was happening and what was going on, I felt numb as I focused on the pointless task of searching for water. Coming across something, it made everything I worked hard to forget come rushing back into my head. Finding the animal, completely decomposing, I had got to my knees and sighed.

The deer had symbolized a lot to me, as it reminded me of different moments and people who had come across deers. Some had been with me, some had been stories that had been repeated by what they experienced back in the group. What the deer reminded me, was of Kat, how I had met her father and how Carl got shot whilst once admiring one.

Somehow, in a sick and twisted way. The deer symbolized more than it should have. Of a time when I was almost no-one to everyone in our camp from before, to who I was now. Staring down at the deer, seeing its spine and flesh as dead as I had felt, I knew that not only was the deer dead, but something inside me was dead. From what I was piecing together, it had everything to do with Kat. Is our relationship meant to be dead?

Shaking the thought from my head, I looked to an object that caught my attention from the corner of my eye and that was when I had noticed the walker dead, beside the tree. Seeing this walker, only reminded me more of the day I had met Rick and made an impression for him, along with the others. Insinuating that they were all idiots, compared to who I was now. A sensetive, pathetic, weak pussy. I could hear Merle's voice say in my head.

Getting up, onto my feet, I decided it best to forget about the deer, the walker, the thoughts and stupid quest to find water. Instead, I rose to stand straight and wandered back to the others. To where I mostly believed I belonged, but at this moment in time, I was struggling to believe that what I thought was true.


CPOV

Sitting down with Judith in my arms, dad had his back to me and Kat was sat in a corner alone. Watching Abraham, I saw how he drank alcohol and stayed silent while everyone talked quietly to one another. Suddenly, the sound of rustling caught all our attention. Growling then filled our ears as we saw a pack of dogs snarling and barking at us. Vicious, they looked ready to kill us and have us as their meals. Instinctively, I held Judith close and stayed close to dad. Except, the moment the sound of rustling appeared, Kat shimmied in front of me and blocked both me and Judith away from the dogs.

Shielding myself and Judith from the dogs, Kat was risking her own life to protect ours. It gave me some hope that she'd saved herself from dying inside and watched as she stood for us. Protecting us as she always had in the past. The sound of silenced gunshots made the dogs fall, dead and our heads turn to the culprit who had shot them down. The dogs had whined when they were shot, but the moment they were dead, dad instinctively got to work on breaking and cleaning branches for us to use. Dog for dinner...


DPOV

Wandering beside Abraham, Sasha, Maggie and Glenn, I listened to their conversations but didn't pay much attention to them. Knowing we all had our issues, I had lost Beth, due to my own stupidity and mistakes. But Maggie, she lost her sister because of me. And Sasha lost her brother because of this cruel world. "Daryl," I heard Glenn say as he offered me the water bottle.

Previously, Glenn had encouraged Maggie to talk to him and to drink water. Which, made me wonder if that was the same reaction he had wanted off me. Yet, I wasn't going to give him the pleasure. "No, I'm all right," I reassured him. Never looking at him, I declined as quickly as possible.

Shaking my head at him, I didn't look him in the eyes. Everywhere we went, there was always something dead on the road and I didn't know how much more I could take. I felt numb, like I could no longer feel anything, I hadn't felt pain or sadness since the moment of Beth's death. Which had been all my fault. "Daryl," Glenn tried to encourage as he slowed down and offered me the drink again. Sighing, I mumbled a hard 'Don't' to him. "Hey, we can make it together. But we can only make it together," he continued to attempt to pep talk me into becoming a better person.

Attempting to remind me that we work as a team, that we need each other to continue to survive. Yet, I wasn't sure that was true anymore. As I felt better alone, as I knew I wouldn't lose anyone else I care about. But, I then remembered that being away from them, I'd always worry as to what was going on with them, to if they were alive or corpses like everything else in this screwed up world. "Tell them I went looking for water," I mumbled once Glenn had stopped trying to walk beside me and kept walking ahead.

Slowing down, I had said that to Abraham and hoped he wouldn't care that I was being a jerk. Considering he had offered me water and I was going to keep searching for water. Moving into the woods, I kept getting deeper and deeper into the woods that I slowly became lost inside it. Stumbling across a place, I never believed I would cross paths with. A barn. Sitting down, I leaned against a nearby tree and stared at the barn.

Blankly, I pulled out my cigarettes and fished for a decent cigarette to smoke. When I found one, I dumped the rest of them on the ground. Not caring that my supply of a packet had offically gone. Lighting my cigarette, I took a deep breath and watched the scene play out in my head. I tried to feel the pain, but I knew that once I bottled something up, it had to take a miracle to let it go.

One thought came across my mind, one that became instinctive. Taking hold of my cigarette, I placed the burning ash against my hand, where my tattoo was and felt the slow burn on my hand. The slight tingle of pain, which then lead to my head completely melting from the memories. My heart began to clench as I remembered all the shit I had done wrong. Of the people I had failed.

Different images flashed in my head as different things began to happen to my body. Dropping my cigarette, I felt my vision become blurred with tears threatening to build. Not denying myself the chance to let go of my pain, I knew it would benefit me and I had to feel it. Just as Kat had said. Feeling my throat tighten, I knew I was about to sob quietly to myself.

Preparing myself, I had subconsciously cleaned and picked at my skin, trying to get the burn off my skin and make myself feel more of that pain sensation. Even if I was drowning in my own tears that began to overflow. Images ran across my mind. Finding Sophia in the barn. Losing Kat for the first time. Finding Merle, only to lose him to the Governor. Seeing Hershel die. Seeing Kat get stabbed by the Governor. Seeing what Joe's group were doing to Kat and Carl. Kat getting hit by the car. Beth getting killed.

It had been all the times I had failed. All the times I knew I could of done something else, changed it some way so that they could have survived or not get hurt. I had become a failure, to those I cared about and to those I had lost. People I had lost to my own mistakes, to my faults. Either by belief that they had died, or that I had seen their death first hand. I'm such a failure. Why do I stick around? I'm better off alone. They'd be safer without me. I can't save anyone in order to save my own. I'm a failure.

Sobbing, my heart was broken. As I pondered on ending my life, to get it over and done with and save the others from me. Somehow, I felt like laughing at how symbolic the barn was to me. It was my first failure to the group. Finding Sophia in that barn, letting Carol down and tearing at my own heart. I then thought of something darker than anything, it may have been the view of the barn, or the dark memories of failure that stuck with it in my mind. What I thought, was something completely unlike myself. Maybe this barn can be my end. Maybe it should be...


KPOV

Wandering over to a random spot where there were more than a dozen bottles on the ground, I saw a white card folded up and leaning against the bottles filled what was assumed to be water. Stepping ahead of everyone, I crouched down onto one knee and picked up the paper. Reading the words scribbled on the page neatly, I knew my dad had to see this first. From a friend. "Dad..." I called as I handed him the paper.

Coming closer to me, he took the paper from me gently and opened it. Reading the note, he looked at it confused and began searching the woods. Is someone fooling us? Are they following us? "This...is from a friend," dad announced to the others, informing who had given the drinks and how they addressed themselves.

"We don't have any friends," Sasha barked.

"Who could it be?" Carl asked curiously as he held Judith to him.

Moving closer to Carl, I saw how dad examined the bushes, the trees and anywhere people could be hiding. Worried that someone could be stalking us, I knew that with this issue, we couldn't simply push the stalker away from us. "I don't know," I answered Carl's question. "But we're not using it," I finished the debate before it could even be made.

Dads eyes met with mine, as though he was agreeing with me by the small clench of his jaw. He then looked to me and glanced at all of us, keeping his tone serious and leader like. "We'll wait for Daryl, in case he takes any of this and drinks it by accident," he decided for us and what our next move would be.

Stepping out from the bushes, Daryl appeared and dad was waiting to give him the note we had stumbled across. Showing him the note, Daryl read it quickly and was alert. Ready to shoot and aim at the trees, he was waiting for any type of signal to say that someone was watching us. "What else are we gonna do?" Rosita asked.

Glancing between us, dad looked to the drinks of what we assumed to be water and he kept his head facing the direction of the bottles. "Not this," dad spoke with authority. "We don't know who left it," he stated the facts. We can't trust anyone.

Eugene didn't seem at all convinced that this was the way things were meant to be. That we were to leave these bottles behind and to keep moving forward. "If that's a trap, we already happen to be in it," Eugene pointed out. "But I, for one, would like to think it is indeed from a friend," Eugene spoke as he directed it towards the drinks and the note that had been left with it.

Something didn't seem right about the note. As though these bottles that were placed were some way of alluring us to some evil lab. "What if it isn't?" Carol asked curiously, shrugging a single shoulder in curiousity. "They put something in it?" she questioned, knowing that this was the thing that was making us all doubt the drinks that were placed on the ground.

Not listening to our warning, Eugene reached down for a bottle and took it into his hands. Both Rosita and Tara were questioning him, warning him that the substance inside could of been anything. "Quality assurance," Eugene said, ready to take the first sip and try to prove us wrong. Insinctively, Abraham stepped forward and knocked the bottle out of Eugene's hands.

Silence fell between us all. "We can't," dad said and the next thing that happened, was something none of us expected. Thunder rumbled the sky, the thunder then clapped and rain began pouring down hard. Splattering against the floor and soaking through our clothes. Everyone was laughing, fooling around and Gabriel was praying for forgiveness. Judith was covered by Carl, using his hat and I stayed frozen. Great...complete darkness. My favourite.


RPOV

Staring up at the sky, I thought it was fantastic. Most of us laughed, Tara and Rosita had even laid on the ground as the water crashed against their skin. Eugene was dying for a drop of water, opening his mouth and letting the liquid go into his mouth. Some of us smiled, some of us cried. Maggie and Daryl looked like this was a horrible moment, as though it was some ill omen. Kat and Sasha resembled the same expression, as though they couldn't believe that this was what everyone was exited about. "Everybody get the bags. Anything you can find. Come on," I encouraged as we all tried to fish for bottles, bags and anything that could contain the water we could take from the rain.

The sound of a thunderclap made Judith cry, which made Carl try to cover her as best as he could. Thunder booming made us all stare up at the sky and realize that it wasn't just simple rainfall coming. There was a storm heading our way and we needed to find shelter. "Let's keep moving," I ordered.

Everyone looked at me, as though they had no idea where we were to go for shelter. Hopeful, I didn't know where we could go and stay until the storm had passed. We needed somewhere safe and we were on the middle of the road. Not my best plan. "There's a barn," Daryl called over the pouring rain.

"Where?" I asked him over the thunder rolling.


KPOV

Searching the barn, it was safe enough and looked strong enough to hold against the storm. But, that was being hopeful. Settling in, Carl and Judith fell asleep cuddled up together under a blanket. Glancing at them, I couldn't help but smile down at them. "I'll try," Glenn spoke as he leaned against the fire we had made and tried to find things to keep the flames high.

"No, they're too wet," Daryl grumbled.

Shimmying closer to my brother and sister, I slithered my fingers into his hair and brushed strands away from his face. I want to change. I do. But, I don't think I can. "He's gonna be okay," Carol assured me, smiling to me and making me glance up to meet her gaze. "He bounces back more than any of us do," she stated, which was something that was truer than it ever was. My baby boy and girl.

Carl had squirmed closer, propping his head on my lap whilst Daryl had shuffled further away from me. Lately, he had been avoiding me. Both with eye contact, verbally and physically. "I used to feel sorry for kids that have to grow up now. In this," dad spoke up, making me look up and away from Carl and Judith's sleeping forms. "But I think I got it wrong. Growing up is getting used to the world. This is easier for them," dad explained his thoughts.

These words shook something in Michonne, as though there was an earthquake inside her head. "This isn't the world," she argued, shaking her head and keeping her tone sharp. As though she was trying to convince herself more than us. "This isn't it," she disagreed with my dad's statement.

Since Beth's death, Glenn had been less hopeful than before and would doubt many things himself. "It might be," Glenn disagreed with Michonne and sided with my dad. My fingers were running through Carl's hair as he laid his head on my lap, sleeping quietly and cuddling up to our baby sister. "It might," he repeated.

"That's giving up," Michonne snarled to him, angered that he'd think so negatively when all my dad was saying, was the truth.

Not allowing her to argue anymore, I was tired of staying silent and not voicing my own opinions. I knew that what I felt, wasn't hopeful or positive, but I knew that this world wasn't going to change any time soon. "It's reality, Michonne," I growled darkly.

Silence filled the barn, some of us were asleep, some of us were occupied with our own private and personal issues. Daryl was silent, his eyes glued to the fire and would glance at each of us for a flicker of a moment. "Until we see otherwise, this is what we have to live with," dad tried to keep the peace between us all. "When I was a kid...I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. He wouldn't answer. He said that was grown-up stuff, so..." dad drifted as he began to speak of his grandfather.

This was a story I had never heard of before, which made me interested to hear what my dad had to say. Keeping my eyes on him, I listened to hear what he would tell us. "So I asked if the Germans ever tried to kill him. But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory," he revealed the truth about the years of war. "Every day he woke up and told himself, 'Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.' And then after a few years of pretending he was dead...he made it out alive," dad shrugged at the end, as though it was nothing in those years. Funny to think of it that way. War is ongoing. No matter what type of war it is.

Everyone was silent as we listened to this conversation, hearing what dad had figured out about the story. What was interesting, was that he was opening up to me when Carl would of liked to hear the same story too. Maybe one day. "That's the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we'll be okay. Because this is how we survive," dad was speaking encouragingly. "We tell ourselves...that we are the walking dead," he concluded his epic speech.

Hearing these words, it made me feel strange. As though we too had died. Like life wasn't worth living until the end was near. The words cut through the fire as I stared at it. What I had noticed, was when I had glanced up, Daryl was staring directly at me. "We ain't them," he repeated the same words he had said back in Atlanta. Snapping a branch into four, he threw each into the fire and moved to crouch.

As Daryl spoke, he glanced at my father and then threw the branches into the fire. Hearing Daryl's words, reminded me of a more hopeful time, and it gave me a slight spark of hope. He's changing. "We're not them," dad agreed a he moved to get Daryl's attention. "Hey," he called to Daryl. "We're not," he shook his head, agreeing with Daryl and assuring him that he was right.

Standing straight, Daryl stared down at me and the others. His eyes held my gaze for longer, before he looked to the rest of us around the fire. "We ain't them," he repeated once again, picking up his crossbow, he walked over to the other end of the barn and decided to take second shift. Shortly after a few more minutes since Daryl had left, I curled up with Carl and Judith, falling asleep with them in my arms.


RPOV

Waking up, I saw lightning light the sky and barn. How the doors banged closed and opened. Sasha, Daryl and Maggie were the first ones keeping the door shut as best as possible. Rushing over to them, we all began to wake up and run over to help keep the door shut. To lock the walkers outside of the barn, to keep them from eating us and killing us. All of us gathered to the door, as did Carl and Kat from their own sleep. All of us pushed against the door and kept it shut as best as we could, not only from the walkers who shook the door, but the wind that was forcing the doors open. All of us had joined together to work as a team. As the strong group I knew we were. We have to work together in order to survive.


DPOV

Late that night, I could hardly sleep. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was debating on leaving, or on staying with the rest of us. I wasn't tired, but I had chosen to take watch silently. Pacing from one side to the other, biting the skin on my thumb and thinking to myself. A clap of thunder had alerted me, showing me what I couldn't see. Walkers were making their way towards the door. Instinctively, I had to shut the doors to save everyone from what was behind it. Effectively, I had tried my best against more than a dozen walkers pushing against the door, struggling as gradually others began to help me.

Something crashed, forcing the door to stop slamming open and closed. Everyone fell asleep as I pondered what had happened today. I saved everyone from the walkers, but I couldn't have done it alone. We all worked together. The way we should. "You should get some sleep," Maggie said as she wandered over to me, sat beside me and pulled me from my thoughts.

"Yeah," I grumbled.

Maggie was the first person to help me, then it was Sasha and I knew that these were the two less likely people who wanted to keep fighting. To keep trying to survive. As they both either voiced their thoughts, or proved it by acting out of recklessness. "It's okay to rest now," she assured me that she had the watch covered.

Looking to Kat, who held onto Carl, I glanced at Rick who held Judith to him. The way this family was so close, yet how most of us were broken. This family gave me some sort of pull, it felt like hope, but I was too confused to know what I was feeling. All I knew, was they were a family. Which, not most of us had anymore. "He was tough," I said to Maggie, thinking of her father.

"He was," she agreed.

The thought of family, brought me back to those she had lost. Those who I knew and cared for. I still feel like it was my fault Beth died, but I know that what's happened can't be undone. We now need to live with it and keep surviving. "So was she," I spoke of Beth. "She didn't know it, but she was," I said when Maggie's eyes met mine. "The gearbox had some grit in it," I informed her as I handed her the box Carl had found for her.

Smiling at the thought of Beth, she had been tough. She showed me that there were good people out there, such as Noah, Abraham, Tara, Eugene, Rosita and possibly even Father Gabriel. Gently, Maggie took the box from my hands and inspected the box she had been clutching in her hands but never used. Our minature Beth. "Thank you," Maggie thanked me kindly before she got up and woke Sasha from her sleep. The pair of them left to keep watch from the outside, whilst I decided to at least get a few minutes of sleep.


Hope you liked this chapter! I won't lie about this chapter, it was sad and I didn't want to change Carol and Daryl's conversation. But, I knew it fit more with Kat. Seeing as the conversation they were having, had been shared with Kat and not Carol (going to Atlanta to save Beth). If you're curious, the song I chose to write this chapter, was 'I Still Believe In You' by Matthew Ryan, as it is basic, sad and a depressed song with a hint of hope. But, the words are so striking, that I felt it fit in with what I was trying to write down emotionally. Especially between Kat and Daryl, along with Rick's pep talk with Kat. Not to mention, the way they were going through ups, downs and the interaction they all had around the campfire. Everything seemed to fit together nicely whilst I listened to this song. Anyway! You all know the drill. 5 REVIEWS PLEASE.


P.S Merry Christmas!


Questions I want answered in the 5 reviews:

1) What did you think of this chapter?

2) How do you think Kat is handling it all?

3) How do you think Daryl is handling it all?

4) What do you think of the talk Rick and Kat had?

5) What do you think about the distance between Kat with Rick/Michonne/Carl/Judith and Daryl towards Kat?


Until the 5 reviews,

Much love!

HeroJustInTime90 xxx