A/N
What can I say but thank you all once again for the encouraging and heartfelt reviews. I read and value each one and honestly without them I don't think I would have been able to carry on with this story as I have done. I was quite nervous about whether anyone one would like this story, would think it was too slow paced or even if it would be viewed as Mary Sueish, so thank you so much for telling me your thoughts and what you are enjoying about it. I hope I don't disappoint you.
I hope you enjoy the latest chapter.
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Éomer stared at the black pallet with its stark white chalk letters for what seemed an age to his mind. The sweet sound of rejoicing and music that still permeated the air almost left a bitter taste within him. The joyous noises seemed to do nothing but taunt him in this moment of confusion and regret.
Finally he tore his gaze away from those damnable words, words that wounded him more deeply than any blade could. He'd hurt her, not physically it was true but the blow had been just as severe to her mind, to her trust of him. He cursed himself inwardly; he had known she was not ready for this situation, that her reaction would not be what he willed it to be. He had been a selfish fool and the tonic of truth was hard to swallow. The day he had spoken to Aedre about her time with the Orcs, of what they had done to her came rushing back to him. He had willed what they would share to be different, to not seem like a punishment to her mind. Éomer knew he had deluded himself into believing that with him it would be right and good, it had been a vain wish. He could not change the way she saw the world just because he willed it to be so.
Éomer found it was difficult to look directly at the woman stood before him. He felt strange and awkward, unsure how to handle the situation. His mind flashed up the thought that few men would ever be in the position he now found himself in. In Rohan a woman's duty was always to her lord, whether that be her king or husband. His people did not shy away from talk of the bed chamber when it needed to be spoken of, but such tasks of teaching normally lay with mothers and elder women... he was a man and knew not how to explain the way of coupling between man and woman to the naive girl before him.
The silence seemed to press down around him, urging and pressuring him to speak and break the uncomfortable feeling. He cleared his throat and placed the pallet upon a nearby table and forced himself to look at her. She was outlined in the dim glow of the candle, her features half hidden from him in the gloom. He suddenly had the strong, bitter wish to somehow go back, so what had happened on this night had never happened. He cursed himself again, cursed himself for being only a man, it was all he could do.
"I..." The word fell abruptly from his lips and he found no more were forthcoming. Silence once again reigned. Éomer walked over to the bed and sat down upon the soft mattress. He looked away from her, to the open shutters at the window, his eyes taking in the night sky. Not seeing her directly seemed to give his lips the courage to begin once again.
"I was not punishing you." The words were once again gruffer than he would have wished, a trait he had always possessed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her move, taking a step forward and then another. They were reluctant movements but it lightened his heart to know he had not broken her trust in him completely.
He glanced at her, her face now visible to him and for a moment he wished he had kept his gaze averted. Her expression was a pained mixture of fear, hurt and curiosity and her eyes bore the unmistakable glint of guilt. His heart tugged at the thought that she felt any kind of reprimand over his actions but he knew she wished to please him and now she felt she had failed.
Slowly and deliberately so as not to startle her he reached his hand out towards where she stood, silently asking her to take it and sit beside him. Hesitation fluttered across her face but finally her will won over her fears and she allowed her hand to slip into his and came to take a seat next to him.
"I was not punishing you" he repeated after a moment of needed stillness.
Aedre studied him with her dark eyes, the questions almost visible within their depths.
Éomer swallowed, knowing he had to continue. "When you were with the Orcs, they punished you." It wasn't a question but a statement he knew to be true.
Aedre gave a certain nod.
"But," he paused, trying to snatch the words he wished to use from his memory, "beatings and violence, torment and torture, these things are punishment." He had to remind himself to keep his grip on her hand light so as to not give her reason to be agitated, even though he had an undeniable pull to hold her tightly. He feared letting go, that she would revert back to that frightened creature he had known so long ago. "To do something against someone's will is punishment." He paused once again, hoping she understood. "What we..." His voice faltered but he willed it back. "Tonight, when we lay upon the bed."
Aedre nodded again.
"I touched you, but not in the same way as the Orcs." The words came out as a hopeful half question. He willed it to be so, that she hadn't imagined those foul creatures under the weight of his caress.
Aedre mulled this over in her mind for a moment before finally she inclined her head to the side, acknowledging his words in the gesture. No, it hadn't been the same.
"When a man and woman fall in love." Éomer suddenly felt a fool, like his manhood was being called into question. He was lightened and amused by the thought that now he knew what Sunniva must have felt all those many years ago trying to explain the ways of the world to him, only she was a woman not a man, a man recounting the facts of the bed chamber was near unheard of. "It is pleasurable to lie together, touch each other. It is what brings children into the world and it is never meant to be a punishment."
Aedre frowned at him, waiting for his words to make the matter clear to her.
"When the Orcs took you." He paused, his throat feeling dry. "When they lay with you, it was a punishment because... you did not will it, because it was against your will... because" He paused, bringing his hand up to his brow, unaware a frown had been formed there for a good while, before rubbing his temple absently. "I know not what else to say." He let out an exasperated breath. "Only that it is not meant to be a punishment Aedre, it is meant to be something we all do." He glanced at her quickly. "It is meant to be enjoyable."
Aedre cocked her head before rising from the bed and getting her pallet. She did not need the light to write what she wished; it was a word she had written many times. 'Why?'
Éomer again rubbed his temple after reading the word. "It is the way of life." He met her gaze. "The way of love and the way of desire."
Aedre slowly came to sit once more beside him. She shook her head slowly, stating she did not understand fully. It was a sad gesture and Éomer again wrapped his hand around hers, bringing her gaze to his face.
"I should not have done what I did on this night. I care for you deeply little Aedre and we need not travel down his path, not yet. Only when you are ready." He gave a strained smile that made her give a weak one in return. He knew the expression that had settled upon her and forced another smile to form and felt gladdened that she tried once again to return it. He wished for nothing more than to bring her out of the negative emotions she was wallowing in. "I am not displeased, nor am I unhappy." He paused once more. "I would never hurt you even if I was unhappy with anything you did." He searched for more words of comfort, a difficult task and something he was not wholly used to. "That is not the way of good, honour bound men; I strive to be that for my people..." He hesitated. "For you."
Aedre looked up at him, her eyes flicking over his face before she gave a nod of understanding. Éomer gave another uneasy smile, still feeling the weight of his own guilt. He brought her hand to his lips pressing small kisses across her knuckles. "All that matters is we are together, with that I can be happy."
Aedre watched him intently, seeing the strain in his comforting smile, a smile that had not managed to wipe the frown from his countenance. Finally willing her courage back into her body she reached up and softly touched the creases upon his brow, smoothing the skin gently with her palm until finally Éomer was forced to release the expression. Their eyes met and she again studied him before looking within herself. She searched her thoughts, her heart and came to the conclusion that although she did not fully understand his words and the meanings behind them she did trust him; she did believe him with all her being when he said he would never hurt her or punish her. The realization that this was so startled her. After all her long years spent in constant fear of those around her, of beatings and cruel words, to come to the understanding that someone truly meant her no harm and cared about her sent a strange jolt up her spine.
Aedre closed her eyes briefly, willing away the tears that begged to be shed from her eyes. When she again opened them she glanced around the room wanting to give herself a moment to recover before she looked back at Éomer. But as she took in the chamber she had become so familiar with, that was part of her home, she felt a leaden weight settle somewhere within her stomach. She knew she didn't want to leave, not now. She had an unpleasant thought that if she left him he would have vanished in the morning and even though she was aware how foolish the thought was, she could not shake it. She turned back to him and gestured with her hands that she wished to remain with him.
"You wish to stay?" Éomer said, a little startled.
Aedre gave a firm nod.
"I will be glad of the company." He touched her cheek lightly. "Today has been tiring." He paused and his eyes seemed to dance at the prospect that all was not lost between them. "Perhaps we should sleep and make sense of questions on the morrow."
Again she nodded and then stood and tried to turn down his bed clothes as she had done on many a night but Éomer stilled her hand and motioned for her to stand back. Aedre smiled as she watched him pull back the covers with clumsy actions, leaving only the linen sheet upon the bed. It seemed strange to see him perform such a mundane task, something she did every day. She was so used to him appearing regal, powerful and masculine that the sight of him happily doing a woman's task made her want to giggle and the warm wave of feeling she had felt at the clearing spread through her being once again.
Éomer hesitated momentarily, considering if he should undress before her, but he gave a gruff sigh at his own foolishness, Aedre had seen him in many states of undress, he should not coddle her like a new born and to treat her any differently now, after the night's passings, may do more harm than good. He pulled off his shirt and hose leaving only his undergarments of a loose pair of drawers. Then he slipped under the covers and awaited to see if she would indeed join him, he knew he could control his desire for now and he wanted her to feel safe with him, even after a misunderstanding had taken place. Aedre glanced about the room, as if she was afraid many pairs of eyes would stare out of the shadows. Finally she began to unlace her overdress and pulled it awkwardly over her head before loosening the baggy shift dress beneath and discarding that too, leaving only a simple thin shift. She wrapped her arms about herself despite the humid air, fully aware she had not been in this state of undress before another person apart from Sunniva for a very long time. It seemed strange to think back to the time Anborn had found her when she had no real understanding of modesty and the way the race of men seemed to hide their bodies. Now she had learnt much and knew some of what was and was not accepted.
Tentatively she lifted the cover and got underneath. The mattress beneath her sent a pleasant, gentle shock through her; it was soft beyond her imaginings and so unlike her own straw stuffed bed. She allowed herself to sink into it as her head came to rest on an even softer pillow. She glanced at Éomer who watched with a warm expression, she grinned as their eyes met and pressed her palm into the cool pillow, feeling it easily give beneath the soft touch. Éomer let out a low chuckle at her actions.
"It is a soft bed." He smiled with a small hint of teasing. "For a king."
Aedre looked at him unsurely, her expression asking if she should indeed be lying here if that was so.
"You can be my queen." He said with a grin and touched her shoulder. "Queens are allowed in the king's bed."
Aedre's expression quickly spread into a grin before she pushed against him playfully, her actions stating she knew he was teasing her. She gave one last smile before she rolled onto her side, wanting to see the stars as she drifted into sleep. The dark sky outside did not disappoint and the twinkling stars seemed to shine down upon them, adding further peace to the moment.
Éomer watched her as she became comfortable, sinking into the bed and letting out a small sigh. Within that small sound he could almost imagine what her voice would sound like, soft and sweet like a summer breeze. He felt sure it was a voice he would be happy to listen to for many hours and he was determined that one day he would hear it. He mulled over the last words he had spoken to her, he had not meant to tease her and perhaps he had been jesting at the time but now the words seemed to have meaning. If he fought could it be possible he could break an ancient law, could Aedre become his wife? The thought left him with an uneasy feeling within himself but still it pleased him to think on it.
Aedre felt Éomer move beside her and his body brushed hers in the briefest of touches. He reached slowly over, his gesture and calm manner not wanting to startle her further, before he took her hand in his, studying her fingers from over her shoulder. Although she had disliked his earlier caresses this was different, she felt no fear or panic, just a strange peacefulness at his closeness and the calmness that seemed to have seeped into the room.
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Sunlight filtered into the chamber, warm and bright. This occurrence would normally have awakened Éomer but the presence of the woman slumbering beside him seemed to make his own mind want to do nothing more than sleep on and not wake. He had expected to be free of sleep soon after dawn and have both himself and Aedre dressed. She would then be able to make her way back to her own room without any curious looks or prying eyes. He was not ashamed of what they shared but he knew only too well how the nobles and other people of Edoras would take the news that their king was consorting with a serving girl, with only one serving girl... It was true however that none would know how deep their bond went, but he also did not want Aedre to be looked down upon or cause her to suffer any other woman's jealously driven actions.
The serving women of The Golden Hall he had consorted with in the past, five in total, had all known coming into his bed had no meaning, that whispered lovers talk held no merit outside his chambers, and yet some seemed to still wish, to hope that he would return his affections to them one day and bestow them with riches. It was a fantasy and in their hearts they knew that also, he had never promised such things. But word sometimes reached his ears of jealous fights having taken place between one of his old lovers and a new girl he had paid attention to. He wanted to make sure Aedre never had to deal with anything of the sort. Still these thoughts did not penetrate his contented mind in this moment; only the warmth and comfort seemed to matter.
Finally the sunlight made its slanted way across the room coming to rest upon his face. The brightness invaded his senses, kicking his awareness into being and sleep slowly began to melt away. He opened his eyes with a contented sigh; his first thought was of the warm body still next to him. He kissed her shoulder gently, not wishing to wake her and finally looked up, his mind already contemplating if he should rise or not.
The older woman's form shocked his sleep coated mind and made his body give an involuntary jump. His gaze focused, but his mouth suddenly felt dry as a frown instantly shadowed his features.
Sunniva studied the scene before her with a mixed expression of disbelief and anger. She rounded her disapproving gaze on Éomer; her mouth was turned down at the corners, bringing a sour look to her normally handsome face.
"What have you done?" she whispered, the words hoarse and cracked.
Éomer's brow furrowed further into a scowl. "We have done nothing" he hissed, still not wishing to wake Aedre. "You dare to come into my chambers and speak to me so!" His anger was besting him and he tried to battle against it, already knowing it was a losing fight. "You forget yourself." He suddenly knew where the bubbling rage came from, it was because of the look the woman before him bore, like he had taken a serving wench for his own pleasure, like he was nothing more than a man who used women and brought them under his covers before discarding them as soon as morning light peeked into the room.
Sunniva seemed to gather herself, controlling her own emotions. "You know she is unwell." She gestured to the sleeping form of Aedre. "She has no understanding for such things and what when you leave her, what then? She won't understand."
Éomer gritted his teeth and his brow furrowed even further, anger taking over his expression, darkening it. The mere fact that Sunniva thought him so selfish and at ease with using women made his blood boil. Nor did he want to explain his true feelings to her, he could not right now, he was not ready to part with such guarded information. Still his anger crashed against him like a wave, that Sunniva, a woman he had known his whole life thought so little of him.
He had never taken any woman who was not willing, who hadn't pursued him as much as he had chased. Somewhere deep inside of him, Éomer knew why Sunniva was upset, she felt protective over Aedre like she were her own child but the idea only dimly flickered inside him, swallowed by the oncoming rage. If he had been able to listen perhaps he could have reasoned with himself, reasoned with Sunniva but it was too late for that now.
"Get out!" It was a growled order and Sunniva stared at him, her mouth agape, sure she had misheard his words. "I said GET OUT!" The bellow that came forth was not what he had been expecting but the outburst had its desired effect. Sunniva seemed to become paler in an instant before she turned in a flurry of skirts and departed the room closing the door behind her.
The noise had jolted Aedre awake and she looked around wildly before Éomer turned his gaze back to her. The anger still bubbled and he fought to control it, to not allow it to be forced upon her in this moment. Aedre's eyes caught his and he gazed into their dark brown depths for a long moment. He was surprised to feel the anger melting, becoming nothing more than a dull thud within him. Finally Éomer felt the muscles in his face relax and knew it had passed.
He smiled at Aedre before squeezing her hand reassuringly.
