Thanks everyone for your comments on longer/shorter and frequency of updates. I do appreciate all the people telling me to do what works for me (don't worry, it's all I can do really!), but it was also very reassuring to realise that there is no one preference that everyone shares!
That said, sorry this has taken a bit longer. Meha went away for a few days AND I had to get my taxes in (they were due last October, but hey, I got them done by 30 June, which is the end of the financial year here in Oz, so that's something!). And then my (business) website got hacked, grrrr.
And as always, thanks to MeSh17 for her feedback, and making my cut down on my em-dashes (yes, that's right, this is the reduced em-dash version, LOL) and especially for getting onto it so quickly after getting back home AND thanks to Ms Meyer for letting us enjoy her sandbox and mess with her creations.
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Finally – just a reminder that I LOVE when you tell me in reviews if you see typos or Australianisms (or anything that stands out as odd for an American to be saying). Meha and I are both not American, so sometimes I get it wrong!
Published: Friday 6th July.
Word count: 3028
See you at the bottom with this week's recs AND a note on my understanding of Jasper's timeline. Now on with the show!
Chapter Sixteen—Confessions
Jasper was silent for a moment while he gathered his thoughts. How could he explain about Kate without explaining why he didn't remember her: the absolute love of his life?
He knew this was going to hurt her, but before he could risk telling her the truth of what he was, he had to know she could forgive him. That they could move past this. Otherwise, it was just too dangerous for her to know the truth—if she didn't want to be with him anymore, she certainly wouldn't want to become a vampire.
"I guess…I do actually have to explain a bit of why I didn't recognise you at first really, for this to make sense."
"Okay…"
"Okay. So…hmm…how to explain…" He thought back to a conversation he'd overheard at a previous school. "Okay, so, have you ever tried on someone's glasses? You know how everything looks blurry?"
"Yeah, I used to do that with my gran's glasses as a kid. They were so thick I could hardly see through them."
"Right. I once overheard a conversation between a girl who'd just got glasses for the first time, and her friend. The girl with glasses pointed to a tree in the school playground and asked her friend if she could see the individual leaves on it. Of course she could, and glasses-girl said she'd never realised that was possible before. It had always just been a big green blob to her."
"Wow, that must have been amazing, being able to see clearly for the first time."
"Yeah. Now, imagine the view she'd seen from her window every day for years had been blurry like that. Then, just before she got the glasses, she moved to a different town. She could see the view from her new window clearly and after a while it gets hard to really remember the other view, because actually, she'd never been able to see it properly.
"And then, suppose years later someone showed her a picture of the first view—but not blurry, like it had been for her; a clear picture, like she'd be able to see it now. Do you think she'd be able to tell it was her old view?"
"I don't know. I guess maybe not. Are you saying that's what it's like for you?"
"That's a big part of it. The thing is, when people—when they become like me, well, some people remember their human lives pretty well, and other people don't. It's mostly got to do with the circumstances of the change and what you do right after.
"But even if they do remember, it's blurry. You remember how I told you we have really good hearing?"
"Yeah."
"Well, our other senses are also enhanced. So when I see you now, it's like I needed glasses before, and now I can see you clearly."
"I guess that makes sense," she said slowly. "But—that's not all of it right? It wasn't just that you didn't recognise me right away. You didn't seem to remember me at all?"
He could tell that idea hurt her, but he couldn't deny it. "No, you're right. I don't remember much of my human life. And everything I do remember has come from having my memory jogged somehow in the last sixty years or so. But I want you to understand—that has no bearing on how I felt about you. None. I loved you so, so much, Bella. I may not remember all the details, but I remember how I felt. I would have given anything to be able to come back to you. To marry you, have kids, grow old together. Nothing and no one meant more to me that you did."
"I know that, Jasper. I do." She looked at him and he could feel the sadness radiating from her, tears filling her eyes. "And Jasper, I'm sure you probably…you probably found records of me... I probably married someone else not long after you disappeared. But I want you to know, I didn't want to. And I would never have done it, no matter what Papa said, if I thought you were still alive. I'd already been wondering if I could run away, if your mama might help me, or if I could find the army..." The tears were spilling over now. "But then Mary brought word...god, Jasper!" She was almost sobbing as she finished. "She told us you were missing and that there was no hope. I'm sorry," she all but whispered. "I didn't want to betray you. I just didn't know what to do."
"Oh Bella, you didn't betray me." He pulled her into his lap and stroked her hair while she quieted. She clung to his shirt and almost curled up in his lap. He must feel cold but she didn't seem to mind. It was heaven and hell at the same time. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you most needed me."
When she was calm she leaned back a little to look up and ask him another question, but she didn't make any move to remove herself from his lap. He decided he would keep her there as long as she didn't complain. He would start wearing an extra layer or two so she wouldn't get cold—he wanted to have her this close to him as often as possible, despite the undeniable burn in his throat.
"So you said the clarity of memories—it tends to depend on the circumstances of your change? So can you tell me about yours?"
"No, I—not yet. I will, I just—I can't tell you that yet. Suffice it to say that the first eighty years were a living hell. There was nothing, and almost no-one, good about that time, and I am still so grateful to the people who got me out. Even then though, I was isolated and depressed.
"And then, almost sixty years ago, I met Alice." He smiled at the memory. "It was raining, which doesn't really bother me, but I walked into a diner to avoid standing out. She was there, and she just looked at me and said 'You kept me waiting long enough.' I could tell right away that she was—she was just happy! And sincere. You know what she's like. She just kind of, makes you be happy along with her." He looked down at Bella, smiling, but was surprised to feel her pain and wistfulness as she looked back at him.
"So, you and Alice—you were a couple then?"
"What? No! No, not at all! Alice—well, she has a talent. She's precognitive. She has visions of the future."
"What? Wow!"
"Yeah, I know. It takes some getting used to. And she's not always right. Sometimes the visions are open to interpretation. And the future can always change, when someone changes their mind. Plus, she doesn't see everything. But, when she first—woke up, if you like, to this life—she had visions of the future, but she didn't remember anything from beforehand."
"Nothing at all?"
"Nope. She has no memories of being human, or even of how she was changed or by whom. But she started having visions of the Cullens, Edward particularly, and also me, almost immediately. And she taught me another way to live—a way that she'd learned from her visions of the family, that made this life bearable. It took us another few years to track them down, and during that time I helped her survive, while she helped me learn how to be happy again, or at least content. But she was always just waiting for Edward. There was never anything of that nature between us—not even the suggestion of it."
"Okay, that's—good to know."
"But, that does lead me to telling you about Kate."
Bella was looking down and fiddling absently with the buttons of his shirt. His arms were around her still, but he lifted one hand to cup her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into his palm.
"Bella, I don't remember much detail of our lives, but I know we hadn't—we never—I would never have disrespected you by…by asking you to pre-empt our vows." She looked up at him, shocked.
"Of course not!" she said.
"And you would never have…"
"No," she agreed sadly, "but I wish we did. I wish we had!"
"Bella, you would never have wanted that."
"I know," she said. "But things are different now. I don't see things the same way as I did then. And I know what she's—what I'm—going to experience soon. And I just wish I could have had that with you first."
"Oh, Bella!"
"Shush," she said, covering his lips with her finger this time, "don't apologise again. It's not your fault."
He took her hand and interlaced their fingers again, bringing their hands down between them, his other arm still around her, holding her on his lap.
"Oh! And I want you to know... Bella, I'm not expecting—I know times are different now. And you're an eighteen-year-old woman—I'm not suggesting that—I mean, I wouldn't think less of you if you'd…if you'd been with other men."
She just looked at him.
"How could I?" She asked, smiling slightly. "All my life you've been my very best friend. I started to fall in love with you a long time ago. And by night, you were falling in love with me too. By day, I just had to hope and pray that I would eventually find you again."
"Oh darlin', I'm so sorry I didn't wait for you too. I wish I had. I would have, I want you to know that—if I'd had any idea...but by the time I broke away from Maria—my creator—I knew everyone from my human life would be dead and gone. It never occurred to me that—"
She shushed him again.
"Of course it didn't. It's okay Jasper. Truly. I mean, I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt to think of you with—with this Kate. For me it's only two weeks since you promised to talk to my father, the next time you were back. But I get that it's not really two weeks.
"So tell me—you said you're not 'with' her," she separated her hand from his to wiggle her fingers in air quotes. "So, were you, previously?"
"No! Not the way you mean." He sighed. "Bella, I want to explain to you—the kind of being I am now—what we're like…but I can't. Not really. Just—Kate and her sisters. They are like, the epitome, of our kind, in a way. And they are very sexual. None of them is mated—in a relationship, I mean. But they all enjoy a very healthy sex life."
"So, all of them then? Not just Kate?" she asked, clearly shocked.
"No, no, just Kate. And it was only a few times, a long time ago. I very quickly realised it wasn't for me. She wasn't for me. I mean—she's a good friend. I think you'd like her—"
She snorted, and he felt his lips turn up in a half smile. "Okay, well, maybe not. But under different circumstances…"
"Yeah, okay, let's just not go there now though, hey? I don't think I have it in me."
"Fair enough."
"So she was the only one then? In 140 years?"
"No…not—she was the only one since I left Maria, though."
"So—Maria?" She looked shocked again, and as she stared straight at him, he could feel her intense hurt. "The one who took you away to begin with? I knew I hated her. And—you were with her for eighty years?"
"Not really. Not the way you're thinking. She used sex as a means of control. I might have thought I loved Maria for a time—" her quick intake of breath made him curse himself inwardly. "But I didn't, Bella! It wasn't love. I didn't know what love was then. I was just stuck in this hell with, I thought, no way out."
She was even paler than usual, and he hurried on. "It's just—it was a crazy, hellish time and I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I was a monster, Bella. I was in hell and I inflicted that hell on others in turn. The fact that I slept with Maria—it makes me sick now, but truthfully, it was probably the least awful thing I did. When you know...god! Why am I wasting time confessing about Kate? When you know the truth, you'll never want to see me again, and I couldn't blame you."
"You're wrong Jasper. What you did with Kate, it hurts more because you weren't in hell then, and you cared about her. You still do. Whatever happened before then—whatever you did—you got out. You're not doing it any more. And it has no impact Jasper. It can have no impact. Nothing can. I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. Whatever you've done—it's not going to change that."
"Oh Bella, I love you too, so much." And suddenly, he couldn't hold back any more. She loved him. Her lips were right there. Slowly, so that she could pull away if she wanted to, he lent down and pressed his lips to hers.
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Bella felt her eyes flutter open as Jasper slowly pulled back. Her heart was doing double time, and a small part of her brain wondered if his enhanced senses could hear it. The rest of her mind, though, was completely occupied with the adoration she saw in Jasper's eyes. Not breaking eye contact, she slowly lifted her hand to his cheek.
"I..."
"I love you, my Bella," Jasper said just as she began to speak.
"I love you, too." She said, and then wriggled around until she was facing him on his lap, her legs straddling his. "Oh, Jasper," she said, "I thought you wouldn't…I mean, I didn't—I didn't think you still felt that way, wanted me that way."
"Darlin', I will always want you. I will always love you." He paused, looking sad. "I know you must feel betrayed—"
"No, Jasper I—"
"Shh," he put his finger over her lips, "let me say this. I know it must hurt then, to think that I forgot you—"
"Jasper—" she tried again, but the slight increase of pressure of his fingers against her lips was too distracting. He gently rubbed his finger back and forth and she felt her breath grow short, her eyes dropping to his mouth and then closing, as she revelled in the sensation.
"Don't do that," Jasper said. Startled, her eyes flew back to his.
"Don't close your eyes," he clarified. "You know the saying—the eyes are the window to your soul? There's something in that, I think…And Bella, I need to explain some things. Lots of things actually. But..." he paused to take her hand in his again. Frowning, his thumb caressed her fingers seemingly without his awareness. "First I just, I want to make sure you know that I—" he stopped again, gazing into her eyes sadly.
"Just tell me, Jazz. Whatever it is, it's going to be okay, I promise."
"I did forget you. I'm sorry, and it shames me, but I did. I forgot everything and everyone, and I can never fully regain those memories."
"I know," she said, "but it's okay, you explained about that already. "
"Not really. Not completely anyway, but I can't tell you any more yet, anyway. But I just want you to know—even though I can't recapture the moments, the details…I remember how I felt. It's still there, the love I have always had for you. As soon as the slightest memories started coming back...actually even before that really. Before I had the foggiest idea who you were, I started feeling drawn to you: protective and just—wanting to be near you. I didn't understand it at the time..."
This time it was her turn to lean in, but unlike him, she didn't do it slowly. She couldn't help herself, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.
It didn't start out as a passionate kiss—they had never done more than hold hands and exchange chaste kisses in her previous life—but when she pulled back to say again that she loved him, Jasper followed. And now she felt his lips part slightly over hers. He sucked her lower lip gently into his mouth, and she gasped with pleasure.
Jasper pulled back gently. "Was that—are you okay?" he asked. She could feel her heartbeat racing and her breath coming in startled pants. Then he looked into her eyes, and his lips turned up in a small smirk. "Oh," he said. "I can see that you are."
He leaned in to kiss her some more, and as she closed her eyes and allowed him to part her lips with his tongue, she heard herself whimper into his mouth. That seemed to excite him as he deepened the kiss further, one hand sliding into her hair as he did so. She tentatively reached out with her own tongue, and he moaned against her, before pulling back slightly.
"Oh god, Bella! You…I…we need to slow down a little."
"Okay," she panted, knowing he was probably right.
"There are still things I need to explain..." Jasper brought his hand up to caress her face, and rubbed his thumb back and forth across her lips.
She closed her eyes again and tried not to moan. She felt him carefully move her off his lap.
"I think," he said, "it may be a little too distracting having you so close to me though." He chuckled lightly as she opened her eyes and pouted, but turned to sit sideways on the sofa facing her, taking her hands and gently pulling her to face him.
A/N
Before we get into history and detail and recommendations, did I mention how very, very happy reviews make me? *grin*
Seriously, what did you think of this chapter? Too much dialogue? Not enough dialogue (unlikely!)? The rest of this afternoon will be the next chapter and then we will be back to more "plot development" chapters!
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Now, Jasper's timeline:
For those who care: here's my justification for Jasper's age, disappearing in January not October, and length of time spent with Maria. Some of these things have conflicting information between the novels, the Official Illustrated Guide, and what Stephenie has said in emails (as published in the Twilight Lexicon). The last of those sources I take as the least authoritative, because sometimes authors say things, but change their minds when they actually write the book.
(If you don't care about this, just skip to the recommendations below!)
Jasper was turned at the very beginning of January 1863, when he was not yet 19. Rationale:
*According to the book he was almost 17 when he enlisted in in 1861 (Eclipse p. 292). Texas seceded from the union in March 1861, so that's the earliest he could have joined, thus his birthday is perhaps March or April 1844, but not earlier.
*The battle of Galveston Jasper describes (also p. 292) was probably actually the Battle of Galveston Harbor, which was October 1862, BUT according to the Illustrated Guide he was turned in 1863 (although it also says he was 19, which is not mathematically possible). The Battle of Galveston (which was when Texas recaptured Galveston) was 1 January 1863. So I'm going with that battle, for the purposes of this story.
I'm assuming Jasper was with Maria until 1944. Here's why:
*Eclipse doesn't give us actual dates for Jasper leaving Maria or joining the Cullens, but the Illustrated Guide says he met Alice in 1948. He travelled with Peter and Charlotte for a few years (Ecl. p. 299) before going off on his own and wandering for an unspecified amount of time, so he must have left Maria by 1945 at the latest.
*He said in Eclipse "For the first century of my life, I lived in a world of bloodthirsty vengeance. Hate was my constant companion." (p. 300) While that can be taken as a "rough" estimate, it could be that he left Maria around 100 years after his human birth, which would make it around 1944.
*The Illustrated Guide says Charlotte was turned in 1938 AND that P&C came back for Jasper in 1938, which plainly can't both be true (Jasper says in Eclipse that Peter "snuck back" for him five years after leaving (p. 299)). So, I'm supposing he left Maria in 1944, which fits with Charlotte and Peter leaving in 1939, one year after Charlotte was changed in 1938.
Don't you love all that detail? Reading up on the history of Texas during the Civil War has been one of the fun side effects of writing this story :)
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Recs:
Endless Hope by xPaige Turnerx. "Sometimes it takes a near death experience to realize how you really feel. AU. Set at the End of Twilight." s/5937087/1/Endless-Hope This is a Bella/Alice one shot. I was going to rec her latest story, but then I got to the end and discovered that even though it is marked complete, it is NOT! She is still working on it though I think (last updated in June) so go read it if you want. It's also Alice-Bella though.
And here's a rare (for me) all human rec that was written last year, that I enjoyed recently:
Secrets & Wishes by CaraNo "Everyone has secrets, and everyone has wishes. We hope that the latter come true, and secrets...well, we tend to hope they're never unearthed. When Bella's son discovers a time capsule in the woods, her graduating class is going to need a lot more than hope. Same applies to her high school teacher, Edward Cullen." Bella/Edward s/12593077/1/
Don't worry, we'll be back to B/J recs next week :)
(January 2020 - as I type it's been months since I updated, but if you are reading this now, just so you know, I am still working on it, and plan to start publishing again when I have the rest all completed. It's not abandoned.)
