Chapter 19 Word Count: 4622; First Published about 12:15pm, 4/Sept/18.
Many, many thanks Green Eyed Lana Lee who was my pre-reader/beta (what's the difference?) for this chapter, and did an awesome job, even convincing me to make some changes to sound more naturally American (that sounded completely wrong to me, in my Aussie vernacular)! I have, of course, made some more changes since then, so any errors are my own!
And as always, thanks to Ms Meyer for permission to play in her world.
Previously...
"Bella," [Carlisle] said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've arranged for you to be admitted, and I've booked the OR for you. I want to get that biopsy done as soon as possible, and there's space for me to do it tonight. When was the last time you ate or drank anything?"
"Oh!" She said, startled. "Lunchtime—about one o'clock—I had some yoghurt and coke. You're really serious about it being bad, aren't you?"
"I just want to make sure we're doing everything we can," he said. "I've booked you in for an endoscopy for eight pm. That's seven hours after your last meal, so that's okay as you'll just be sedated, you don't need a general anaesthetic, but you won't be able to eat or drink anything until then, okay? And with your permission, I'd like to call Charlie. I'll ask him to come in and then explain what's happening. Is that okay?"
"Yes," she said, feeling guilty, but relieved. She didn't want to have that conversation with him herself. "Thank you, Carlisle."
It was a surprisingly quick process to get settled in a hospital room, with Carlisle on her side to pull strings. He had explained that it was quite a simple day surgery procedure, but that given the timing he wanted her admitted for an overnight stay. He also wanted to get her started on a drip as he could see that she was dehydrated and suspected she was also becoming malnourished, partly based on the condition itself, but also on Jasper's report of how much weight she had lost just in the time she'd been in Forks.
He had insisted that she not worry about the cost of a private room, as he would be paying anything her insurance didn't cover. She'd tried to argue with him, but when he pointed out that it was really for Jasper's benefit, and that it would allow him to stay with her (surreptitiously) over night, she acquiesced. She couldn't deny how much she wanted him there with her.
Settled as comfortably as it was possible to be in a hospital gown and with a drip in her arm, she wriggled to the edge of the narrow bed, so that Jasper could sit next to her, and resigned herself to a long wait. At least the drip would prevent her getting too thirsty. She'd experienced the fun of an unplanned "nil by mouth" before, while awaiting surgery once when she'd broken her leg, and it was not enjoyable
Chapter Nineteen – Before and Again
The hours after Bella was admitted to the hospital passed by slowly.
Carlisle hadn't come back after speaking with Charlie, caught up in the usual bustle of activity in the hospital, but Charlie himself had arrived fairly quickly. Carlisle had explained everything he could for the moment, and made an appointment for him to come back the next day to discuss the results of the procedure—with Bella's permission of course. If he was surprised to find Jasper with her he didn't show it, so she supposed Carlisle must have said something about that too.
It wasn't the most auspicious way to introduce her dad to her 'boyfriend' - or whatever he was. Then again Carlisle had obviously told him it was Jasper who insisted she come in after her dizzy spell, because Charlie was appropriately grateful. So maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
"Dad," Bella said after a few minutes of silence, "you really don't have to stay with me the whole time. It's going to be hours before they get to me. Jazz and I were just going to watch TV."
Charlie rubbed the back of his neck with characteristic discomfort.
"I suppose I'm not really needed for now, hey, Bells?" Before she could answer he was turning his attention to Jasper. "And your parents don't mind you waiting with her, young man?"
"No sir," Jasper replied politely. "Carlisle has a couch in his office, he said I can sleep there after Bella's asleep, and he'll take me home when his shift ends."
"Right. Do you want me to call your mom, Bells?"
"Oh, no! Please don't, Dad! There's really no point in worrying her yet, right? At least not until we know more. Maybe it won't be anything serious after all, and you can imagine how she'll panic."
"Yeah, sure, sure," he placated. "But once the first results are in—she needs to be part of this too, Bella."
"Sure, Dad. Once we have the results."
Charlie looked like he'd aged a decade since this morning, she thought sadly. Whatever happened, this was going to devastate him. She would have to do whatever she could to make it easier.
The following hours passed in a blur. Part of her wanted to hash out her options with Jasper, but without knowing just how bad the cancer was—and despite Carlisle's claim that he'd need the test results to be certain, she was sure she did have cancer—she couldn't make any decisions. Besides they would need Carlisle to present medical options before thinking about other options.
So she allowed Jasper to distract her with TV, as she'd told Charlie she would, and snuggled into his side. It was hard to take in how completely her life had changed in just a few days and she found herself staring out the small window as often as watching the television.
She watched the sky gradually change from the ordinary, white overcast sky of a Forks daytime, to the pink and orange of sunset, through twilight and into the dark grey of a cloudy night.
Eventually Carlisle came back and told them it was almost time. The anaesthetist would be there shortly to chat with her, then the nurse or orderly would come to bring her to the procedure room.
"Jasper, visiting hours are almost over," he began, quickly adding, "and yes, I know you're not leaving her tonight but you'll need to be gone while other hospital staff are present. You can wait in my office. It's not a lengthy procedure and she's only undergoing a light sedation, so she won't be in recovery for long. I'll let you know as soon as she's back in her room."
He turned to Bella then.
"Bella, I've asked your father to come in tomorrow to discuss options—"
"Yes, he told me," she interrupted.
"But I'd like to talk to you and Jasper privately before that."
"Okay," she said. "That would be good actually."
"I know it's late, but I want to give you both time to think about things and discuss what you want to do, before we see Charlie. That way I can present the options tomorrow that make the most sense for your plans."
"Oh my god! Charlie!" she exclaimed, turning to Jasper in a panic. "Jasper, he's at home alone! What if the nomads come by when you're not there?"
"It's okay, it's okay, calm down, darlin'," Jasper said. "Edward and Alice are there, just in case. He'll be fine."
"But that leaves Esme alone, doesn't it?"
"She'll be fine, Bella," Carlisle assured her. "There's no reason the nomads would harm her, and Alice has been keeping tabs on both your father and our own family. She can't get any visions of the nomads directly, because she doesn't know them, but if anything of concern happens, she should know about it—as long as you're not there!" Carlisle chuckled. "It is really driving her up the wall not being able to see your future clearly, Bella."
She smiled wryly. "Okay, thank you, Carlisle. And will you please thank Edward and Alice for me, too?"
"Of course," he said.
"Rosalie and Emmett will be back soon, too," Jasper added. "They've been travelling," he explained, "pretending to be off at college, but last time we talked they said they'd be back this week. But Carlisle's right, we don't need them for security."
"It will be good to have them home though," Carlisle said. "And it will make Esme happy."
Jasper murmured his agreement, and Carlisle brought the conversation back to her treatment.
He would officially be finished his shift for the day after Bella's endoscopy, so they agreed to talk with him that night, once she was fully recovered from the sedation.
"The nurses will make sure you're fully awake and have eaten something before they bring you back to your room," he told her, "so I'll come back and we'll talk then."
.
Bella barely had time to be nervous after that, and very quickly she was being wheeled into the procedure room, where Carlisle, the anaesthetist and several nurses were waiting for her.
She tried to smile, and joked about remembering all their names afterwards, and the next thing she knew she was waking up. No-one paid her any attention for a while, and she drifted back to sleep. The next time she opened her eyes a nurse was right there.
"Oh good, you're awake," she said. "How are you feeling? Would you like a some water?"
"Yes, please," she croaked. She mentally surveyed her body, as the nurse moved away. Her throat was a little sore, she thought, but aside from that she just felt sleepy.
.
Back in her room, she wondered how long she had before Jasper and Carlisle reappeared. Carlisle had spoken to her very briefly while she was drinking the tea and failing to eat the sandwich provided. But he'd simply checked how she was feeling and promised to come to speak with her soon.
But almost before she could finish that thought, Jasper was coming through her door. He came straight over and climbed onto the bed, looking into her eyes intently, she knew he was feeling what she was feeling. She tried to focus on feeling positive, and it was easy to be happy he was back with her.
"Carlisle hasn't spoken to you yet?" he asked her.
"No, you?"
"No."
"Are you—you're not in any pain?"
"Not really. My throat's a little sore, but the nurse said that's normal."
"Move over then," he said, but his actions didn't match his cavalier tone, as he gently helped her move to one side of the bed, and climbed in next to her, bringing her over to lean into his side.
Carlisle arrived not much later and smiled when he saw them.
"I just want to say, Bella, I'm sorry to have met you under these circumstances, but I have been looking forward to meeting you. You've made Jasper very happy."
"Thanks, Carlisle." She smiled back at him.
"So tell us about the endoscopy," Jasper said, not one to beat about the bush.
Carlisle pulled a chair up to the bed and sat in it, seemingly wanting to make himself as unthreatening as possible.
"Bella," he said gently, "while we don't have the actual results of the biopsy yet, I can tell you with a strong degree of certainty that you do have esophageal cancer. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear."
"No, but you were pretty sure already, weren't you? I knew that."
"I was," he said. "What I couldn't be sure of was how large the tumour was. But I'm sorry to tell you it's larger than I hoped it would be."
He went on to tell her that he suspected, based on the size of her tumour as well as her scent, that it had already spread, at the very least to nearby lymph nodes, if not beyond, and that for most patients at this point it would be a matter of doing what they could to extend their life for as long as possible, but with little real chance of a long-term cure.
There was the possibility of surgery, to remove the affected part of her esophagus, any affected lymph nodes and possibly part of her stomach.
"But, Bella, that surgery comes with its own serious risks and once you're in the surgery—I couldn't save you, if something goes wrong."
"So, you're saying I could die during surgery?"
"No! No! Absolutely not!" Jasper exclaimed, clutching her more firmly to his side. "No surgery!"
"That will be Bella's decision, Jasper," Carlisle said firmly, "but under the circumstances, I would recommend against it."
Carlisle also explained that while he had spent time before the endoscopy reading up on her condition, he wasn't actually a cancer specialist, and in fact if they'd been in a city hospital, it would have been unheard of for him not to refer her on almost immediately, and certainly once they had the biopsy results, she would be moved to an oncology department.
However, the five-year survival rate for the stage he believed her cancer to have reached, even with the most aggressive treatments, was closer to twenty per cent than thirty, with the average lifespan being under one year. And at the same time, those treatments could cost her her life, in a way that they would be unable to save her from.
Without any treatment, at this point, he expected she would have between three and six months to live.
That was a shocking moment for Bella.
"But I'm not that sick!" she said. "How can it be at that point already?"
"I know it seems quick," Carlisle told her, "but once the cancer spreads to other organs, things can go downhill fast.
"You can have chemotherapy," he said, "and radiation also. With those treatments there's a good chance we could extend your life to a year or more, and they could be enough to completely cure you, if the cancer hasn't spread beyond a few lymph nodes. But the chances aren't good."
"So that's why an oncologist would recommend surgery?" Bella asked.
"That's right. And being young and otherwise healthy, you'd probably be a good candidate for it. But because we have another way to save you—if a rather unconventional one—I wouldn't recommend it."
"Please, Bella," Jasper interjected, "please don't take that option. I need you to live, and if you die in surgery I can't change you!"
"Shh," she said soothingly. "I'm not going to do anything Carlisle recommends against Jasper, don't worry. Can you tell us more about the other options?" she added to Carlisle.
He explained that they could use a combination of chemotherapy and radiation to shrink the tumour, which could help her swallow more easily, although they could also consider putting a stent into her esophagus to keep it open. He also wanted to have her undergo some more tests the next day, to give them a better idea how far the cancer had spread.
"Nothing so invasive as the endoscopy," he added, "I just want you to have a combined CT and PET scan. They'll help us see whether the cancer has spread and to where. If it has already spread to the liver or other organs, it's more likely that even an aggressive oncologist would recommend against surgery. Possibly even against chemotherapy."
"But you don't think it has?"
"I—don't think so," he said slowly. "But I can't be sure. Do you have any questions? Do you know what those scans are?"
"Not really. Is it like—when you go into one of those tunnel machines?"
Carlisle chuckled. "I suppose that's as good a description as any, yes, but it's not noisy like an MRI. We're lucky enough to have one machine that does PET and CT scans here, so they can be done at the same time. You will be given an injection about an hour beforehand, for the PET scan, and after that a drink for the CT scan. They'll explain more at the time, but do you have any more questions now?"
"Not really. Nothing I can think of. Except I guess—you said it's not invasive. So it won't hurt?"
"No, not at all," he answered. "If that's all, I'll leave you now, and I'll spend the night reviewing all the research into esophageal cancer I can find," Carlisle told them, adding that they should talk about whether they wanted to try treatment, or just plan on changing her sooner rather than later. "I know you will want to have more time with your father, Bella, and perhaps your mother. But consider too that the side effects of chemotherapy can be debilitating, so you may not wish to have as many rounds of it as an oncologist would recommend. Then again you may, and you can always change your mind as you go—it doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach. But, we do need to have some sort of plan before we talk to your father tomorrow."
"But, Bella, Jasper—there's something else you should know. Although I've never personally had such a young patient with this kind of cancer before, I have come across it once or possibly twice in hospitals I've worked in."
"What do you mean, possibly twice?" Bella asked. "Are you unsure if it was correctly diagnosed?"
"It wasn't diagnosed," he answered. "The patient was already dying, of the Spanish flu. But I met her, and I smelled the underlying cancer."
"Oh my god!" Jasper exclaimed. "Isabel Dawson?!"
"Exactly."
"At the time I didn't have the knowledge to diagnose it so exactly, but now—I'm fairly certain I'm right."
"And the other case?" Jasper asked.
"It was in 1962. I didn't meet the patient, I just spoke with her doctor. I had been going to consult on the case, but... Emmett had an accident and we had to leave."
"And was there anything notable about the case that you remember?" Bella asked.
"Nothing that meant anything until now, Bella. But yes, there is something. The patient was an eighteen-year-old girl. And her name was Arabella Reilly. I've looked her up Bella—I found a photo."
"And she looked like me, I suppose," Bella said quietly.
"Yes. The only photo I could find was her at fifteen, but yes—she looked just like a fifteen-year-old version of you."
.
Jasper sat on edge of Bella's hospital bed, one arm holding her to his side, the other resting on her lap as he gently rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. They hadn't spoken much since Carlisle had left, but he could tell from her breathing that she wasn't ready to sleep yet. She'd want to talk more, she just needed some time to process first.
It didn't seem fair that they'd just found each other, and now this! How could she be expected to cope with so much thrown at her in such a short space of time? As if it wasn't enough to find out, first that her fiancé had died—or disappeared anyway—and then that he was actually a vampire. Now she was incurably sick too?
"So you said there were other complications," she murmured, interrupting his musings, "as far as changing me goes. What are they?"
"You shouldn't worry about that darlin'," he said. "Whatever you decide you want to do, we'll make it happen, 'kay? That's all you need to know."
She frowned, and he caught a hint of irritation before she looked down at their joined hands.
"No," she said, shortly, and he could feel her determination as she looked back up at him. "That's not okay. I can't make decisions in a vacuum. I need all the information. Besides..." She trailed off, and looked away again, feeling less certain of herself.
"What, darlin'?"
"We're partners, right? If—You said you want to change me...that'd be pretty permanent. Even more than marriage."
"It would," he acknowledged. "And, Bella, I know we haven't really had a chance to talk about this yet—everything's happened so quickly—and... I don't want to rush you. Really, I don't. But you should know where you stand."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, I wanted to marry you when I was human and I want the same thing now. Also, vampires, we don't change easily. When we find our mates, we stick with them. There's no such thing as divorce for vampires—we don't need it." Keeping hold of her hand, he eased himself up the bed and slid his other hand into her hair, cupping her cheek. "I love you, Bella, and I always will. You're my mate—my soul mate if you like—and so yes, changing is permanent. But whether you decide to change or not, there'll never be anyone else for me."
"Oh," she looked a little shell shocked. "Okay then."
"Okay then?"
"I mean...Did you just propose to me?"
"I guess I did, darlin'," he smiled slowly, and sliding his hand down to her shoulder, he gazed into her eyes. "Bella Swan, you are my soul mate, and the love of my very long life. Will you marry me? Will you be my wife and stay with me forever?"
"I...I... Yes! God, Yes. I will, Jasper." Her smile was dazzling.
He could feel the love and joy and hope pouring out of her, as he turned their bodies and leant down to kiss her.
"Good," he said, as he broke off the kiss so she could breathe. "I'm glad that's settled then."
She smiled at him. "I love you, Jasper Whitlock," she said.
"And I love you," he replied. "But now I suppose we should get back to talking about your options, so you can get some sleep."
"Yes, and I still want to know, what are the complications? Don't keep things from me Jasper. If we're partners, I need to know everything you know. And I need to know that I can trust you to be honest with me."
He sighed. She was right, but it went against the grain. But in some ways, he thought, this was a test. It was an example of how things were different now. Back when he was human, he would have seen it as his responsibility to protect her from unpleasant information. He would never have told her, for instance, how awful conditions really were for the confederate soldiers. But the Bella of today wouldn't tolerate that, and he needed to respect her choices.
"Okay," he said aloud. "You're right. We have some allies—of a sort—here in Forks, and our treaty with them means I am not supposed to tell you about them, but I think that as my mate, my fiancée, you are legitimately counted as part of the Cullen family, and so you have a right to know." He paused, gathering his thoughts.
"I know you're friends with some of the Quileutes. Do you know much about their legends?" he asked.
"Um...I know bits and pieces, why?"
"Do you know their legend about the cold ones, and the wolves?"
"Hmm...I know they're supposed to be descended from wolves. And I've heard the term 'cold ones' but I don't know anything about them...I think Seth mentioned it to me."
"Okay, well...the fact is, those legends are true. The cold ones are their name for vampires."
"Oh!" she gasped. "So they know...what you are?"
"Some of them do. Your friend Jacob's Black's grandfather, Ephraim, formed a treaty with Carlisle, back in the 1930s. It basically states that as long as we stay off their land, and don't bite a human, we can live here in peace. In turn, we will leave them in peace and neither one of us will tell the humans about the other."
She frowned. "But—okay, that's nice and everything, but how could they possibly enforce it? And what could you tell people about them?"
"That their legends are true," he said simply. "That some of them turn into giant wolves, to protect their people from vampires."
"What?" He could feel the shock rolling off her. "They—who? And how many? And, and...are you saying they could hurt you?"
"There are five, that I know of," he told her. "I don't know who they all are when in human form, but your friend Jacob is one. Edward confirmed that after we met with them. I'm surprised he's not the alpha of the pack, which is grandfather was, but maybe he's too young yet. We don't know all that much about them, to be honest."
"But—they're dangerous, to you?"
"In theory," he smiled, reassuringly. "If there were enough of them against me, they might be. They don't really present a danger to our family, though. The treaty is actually more for their benefit than ours. Carlisle is a peacemaker."
"But you've agreed not to bite a human. And that's what you'd need to do, to change me, isn't it?"
"Yes," he said. "But don't for a second think that's going to stop me!"
"But that's why you said it's complicated—doing it here in Forks."
"There's that," he admitted, "and there's also the fact that Billy Black already warned us away from you."
"What? For what reason?"
He could feel her becoming agitated and wished—not for the first time—that his gift was more effective on her. Instead he went back to rubbing his thumb over her hand, and although he couldn't send her calm the way he would for anyone else, he could feel her emotions settle, just from his touch. More proof that they were truly mates, he thought.
"Billy considers you and Charlie to be part of his family," he explained. "He arranged a meeting with us recently, partly to tell us about the nomads, but I think the main reason they told us is because they had also detected our scents around your house, and they were worried that it would attract the nomads to you. But—they also just wanted us to leave you alone."
"But you told them no, right?"
"Of course, darlin'. The treaty doesn't say anything about who we can be friends with!"
"Maybe...maybe I should talk to Jacob."
"I don't know, darlin'. I'm not sure there's anything you could say that would convince him. They really don't trust us, despite the treaty."
"Yeah but, if they know I'm dying anyway...and if I explain to Jacob about the dreams. And the other past lives...I'm obviously meant to be with you Jazz. And in each life, I've died young...Did I—is this what happened the first time as well? When you went to Texas, what did you find out?"
"Yeah, Bella, you died young that time too. Only a few weeks after you found out I was missing. We didn't know what happened. At first we thought maybe you starved yourself out of grief, or that your husband," and he couldn't help saying the word like a curse, "had hurt you. But I'm guessing it was the same thing that time too."
"So surely then, they'll have to agree. It's my choice to be changed, anyway, they can't decide something like that for me."
"Maybe."
"Wait, only a few weeks after I found out you were missing? But it's already been almost a week!" He could hear her heart racing and feel the panic radiating off her.
"Shh," he said, "It's going to be okay. Just remember, she—you—would have had no medical care, no access to a drip or vitamins or anything else to keep you nourished and hydrated. And you were forced into an unwanted marriage with a man you didn't know. It's hardly surprising your body failed more quickly under those circumstances."
"I guess that's true. Still, it's a bit confronting. I wonder if the scans tomorrow will find more than Carlisle is expecting."
"Either way, I am going to take care of you, Bella. I will not let you die, do you understand? And if you decide you want to be changed quickly—well that's what we'll do, okay?"
"Okay. The question is," she continued thoughtfully, "should I have chemo first, or not?"
They talked it over, and he could see she was going back and forth in her mind, but what it came down to was that she wanted to spare Charlie and Renee as much pain as possible. And if that meant "dying" more quickly, to avoid watching her go through the pain of chemo, then that's what she'd choose, but if the chemo could give her another year or more of relatively decent quality life, then she might choose that.
"One thing to consider," Jasper interrupted her finally, as she seemed to be talking herself in circles, "is that whether or not you have chemo, we can stage your death and change you at any time. You don't have to let the cancer get really bad. In fact, I really hope you won't do that to yourself or your parents—or me. Somehow or other we are going to have to stage your death and get you away from Forks—"
"But what if the Quileutes agree to my change?" she asked. "Then we won't have to do that, right?"
"Everyone else will still have to think you're dead, darlin'. Remember I said it was dangerous for you to know what I am? It really is." He went on to explain about the vampire's ruling body, the Volturi, and their one basic rule: keep the secret. "If a human finds out about us, we are supposed to kill them or change them. So if your parents know, and the Volturi find out..."
"They'd kill them?"
"Without a second's thought, and with no discussion."
"That's why you didn't want to tell me what you were, at first."
"It's one reason, yes. I had to make sure there was at least a chance you would still want to be with me. Of course, I couldn't know if you would truly accept me as I am until you did know, so it was a catch twenty-two, in a way, but I promise you, I would have spent the rest of my life protecting you—even if I had to do it from the shadows, if you didn't want me around. I would never let anything happen to you."
Bella yawned then, and he could feel how tired she was.
"Let's get you settled for the night," he said, helping her lie down as comfortably as possible, with the drip still in her arm.
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay with this chapter. September is going to continue to be super busy for me, business-wise, and I have some personal things going on with my family also, so I'm afraid slower updates will continue. I do expect to have some extra writing time come October though.
In the meantime, many many thanks for your reviews, they mean so much to me and keep me feeling accountable (even if I am still slow!).
Recs:
Okay, so the last couple of chapters I've given you all Bella-Jasper recs. This week they are both Bella-Edward. I really should make myself a list of all the stories I've recommended so I don't double up, but these are both newer stories (complete, but published this year) so should be safe!
Walk Away by Christobel Cullen. AU of New Moon...what if Bella broke up with Edward first? What would it be like for him to walk away?
This one, although it's not quite explicit, seems to me to be exploring the same idea as my one shot story, Souls Apart: the physical effect of the mate bond on a human, when that bond is threatened. It has a completely different starting point though. I like that it's very true to the original characters. It's a relatively quick read too. s/12786933/1/Walk-Away
All the ways you know me by FlamingMaple
Bella and Jacob are expecting their first child, when tragedy strikes. Lurking, still waiting for her chance at vengeance, is Victoria, who is emboldened by Jacob's death. Watching, and trying to redeem himself, is Edward. BxE. HEA. s/12823589/1/All-the-ways-you-know-me
