WARNING! ADULT CONTENT HERE! MENTIONS OF SEVERE ABUSE, ATTEMPT OF MURDER AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Chapter 24
Reliving A Painful Experience

Harry's POV

"The two months of my life I've tried so hard to forget and now I just keep getting reminded of them. What was I thinking, getting all these books into the world?" I try to think, if only to convince myself to get the hell out of here and avoid this upcoming conversation, something that is a little hard to do thanks to my current condition.
But then I shake my head and think: "If I hadn't Cedric would have died and I would have never known how much Viktor cares for me – how much he loves me. I would have always considered myself a worthless freak and who knows what I would have done. No, it's better this way, even if it's going to be extremely painful."
I gulp and cuddle myself closer into my sleeping bag, my left leg on my right to help me move it. I then look up and see mum, dad, Viktor and Mss. Crenson look at me worried, caring and interested; somehow all those emotions at the same time. I smile at them, but then cuddle even deeper and start my story.

"As you know was I expelled from school when I was 5 ½ in 1985. I kept visiting Mss. Crenson after that and she taught me all she could, even though the visits only lasted a year. In November 1986, I was doing the same, taking a detour to avoid Dudley's gang lingering at the playground, but I hadn't checked if they were actually there."
"They weren't." Dad says and I shake my head, lying it on my crossed arms and say: "No, they were not indeed. Dudley had discovered where I kept going when I wasn't doing chores and was by that time so full into his belief that pestering me and making my life miserable that he didn't care what happened to me as long as."
I gulp, trying to block out the hateful, spiteful laughter and push back the need to cry as I go on, quoting: "As long as the freak was punished." I see the ones around me glare and I tremble pushing my head under the lid of my sleeping bag, but mum lies a hand on my shoulder and whispers: "Anger at them, baby. We're angry at them. Go on."

I nod, feeling touched by his calming voice and say: "So when I visited Mss. Crenson on the 24th of November that year, Dudley was awaiting me. He let his stupid friends grab me and – well, you heard what Piers does best." Another round of nods encourages me to go on and I stick my head out of the bag a little further:
"He held me from behind and Malcolm, Gordon and Dennis all hit me in the face and stomach or kicked me in the legs. I felt so much pain and so very betrayed and cried for Mss. Crenson to save me, but Dudley told me they had distracted her with coffee. He then said; you flew before, let's see if we can make the freak fly again."

Another shudder runs through my body and Viktor stands up, changing the width of the sleeping bag with his wand and snuggling in with me, just to hold me softly against his chest. I grab onto his soft purple shirt and whisper: "Dudley and his gang weren't the only ones I had to avoid at that school. The janitor there was much like Filch here.
He hated me and thought I was as much of a freak as everyone else. It was mostly because Dudley often, during our joined time there, made it look as if his destructive pranks were my work, such as broken toilet seats or rocks thrown through windows. Anything that gave him extra work he blamed on me regardless of where I was.
But while he hated me, he adored Dudley. I even believe he knew it was Dudley the whole time and that he just loved what Dudley did to me, no matter what the costs to the school. Either way, he was there too that day. He saw and heard what Dudley was doing and planning and grinned before – before closing a window close to us."
Everyone's gasps are enough to make me know they understand what happened. Yet while I can hear their voices, do they sound distant as by now the fear of what happened makes my entire body shudder and I whimper as I remember the terrible gleam look of pleasure shining in the man's eyes while he muttered he's all yours, boys.

Feeling how my breathing starts to labor and how part of me feels as if I have shrunk back to the age I was at the time of the event, do I try to wipe away the tears, but my body seems incapable of moving, my mind torturing me by continuously showing me that terrible sensation on flying through the glass in slow-motion.
Then a glass tube is pressed to my panting lips, followed by some kind of liquid falling down my throat. Instantly, the minute the liquid hits my stomach, I feel magic coursing through my body and the same warm feeling I get when eating chocolate calms me down, slowing my laboring breaths and my pumping blood.
I see Snape walking away and see some vials with purple liquid standing next to my bag. "You were hyperventilating, dear. Your mum, Sirius, immediately called for them and when I explained what you were telling us about, Professor Snape left these for later." I nod, grateful for the man's treatment and when I feel sure I'm calm, I continue on.

"They threw me through that very window and even to this day I remember how it felt to go through all that glass and how pieces cut and stuck to my skin. I remember wanting to grab the window sill with my right hand, but when I did, did I scream as a large part cut into my hand deeper. That was the last I remember before landing."
My parents and Viktor nods and Mss. Crenson says: "The school wanted to sue Dursley for what their son did, but apparently – probably right after this – did that rotten janitor mop and wax the floor so badly one of my colleagues broke her hand when she fell. The police waved it away as an accident and I never saw you again."

I nod as I clearly remember the man holding a mop and a tube of wax in his hands that day – items he put away before closing the window – and I say: "I don't really remember what happened afterwards, but apparently I was in coma for 2 weeks and 4 days. I woke up on the 12th of December and the doctors treating me allowed to return home 3 days later.
I would have been allowed earlier, but I had fled and hid the minute my body was all healed again. How it healed – I'll never understand. The doctor that first treated me was also the one that found me and when he did, he told me I had almost died in the first three days, but that I somehow survived every time."
The four around me gasp, all of them probably terrified that I had almost died of my injuries and then I continue, knowing this is the hardest part I have to go through. I cuddle against Viktor's chest, trying to keep in mind that he is not uncle Vernon and that the Dursleys can never enter Hogwarts or even come close and speak on.

"On the day I woke up from that coma, my brain was all fuzzy and it took the doctor first treating me about five minutes to explain how I got in my position before I remembered the boys and the fall. It – it caused the most terrible feeling and thought to ever run through my body and mind and I actually scared that doctor off with how I cried."
Viktor holds me close and whispers: "What was it, my little one. What did you think?" I tremble and shake, trying to get the words out of my mouth and then Viktor softly kisses my forehead and while I feel his large hand softly caressing my hair, do I take a deep breath and continue talking, the signs of affection calming me somewhat.
"I remembered how it had been Dudley's plan and how he knew it was the second floor. I remembered the terrible gleam of pleasure in that man's eyes and the laughter of my cousin that strengthened when I screamed as I tried to grab the windowsill. I remembered hearing and experiencing how they took pleasure in their torture of me.
All those thoughts came together with all that was told to me when I was half-asleep and for the first time I started believing it. I started believing that I was hated, that I was useless and worthless and that my parents had been better off without me. I tried not to, but the thought that even my cousin would try and kill me was just too much."

Everyone around me gasps and I whisper: "The thoughts made me believe I was better off dead and that the world would be better off. That no one would be happy as long as I was alive. That my relatives would never be happy as long as I lived. I didn't want to die just yet, but the thought did grow in my mind since then."
Instantly I feel the sleeping bag expand again and mum and dad instantly jump into the bag with me, mum hugging me from the front, with his front against Viktor's back and dad moving me to lie on my side as he lies himself against my bag and kisses my hair in signs of affection. Even Mss. Crenson moves closer and lies her hand on my head.

I take a deep breath and go on: "I fled from the room and bed the minute I was able to properly walk again and hid myself, not wanting to be a bother or return to my murderous cousin. I tried to beg with all of the people healing me, but they had been fooled by my aunt that they wanted me back and none of them were authorized to keep me.
I returned on the 15th of December and instantly my uncle pulled me inside and broke just about all my bones with his whip and belt.""HE WHAT?" Mum and dad shout and Mss. Crenson shouts: "WHY?" And while mentally feeling that pain all over again, do I softly mutter: "To punish me, of course for getting Dudley in trouble."

Anger courses around me and I can almost feel the magic of the others boiling under their skin as their glares make a soft whimper of fear escape my throat – and sealed-shut lips. Immediately kisses and soft pets touch me all over and Viktor whispers what mum did earlier: "Anger at them, my little darling. We're angry at them. Please, go on."
I nod and say: "After my punishment my list of chores increased and it was the last bit of my punishment, this time from my aunt. It would last as long as it took my uncle's punishment – as they said – to settle in. In other words to heal. That, strangely enough only took five days and I was allowed outside again.
As I wandered the streets and kept an even closer eye on wherever Dudley was, in fear he would try and kill me again, I swore I would never visit Mss. Crenson again. I didn't want her in danger like I was. That, during the night with my nightmares of that day, made me believe I was a danger to her – to my parents and even to my relatives."

I see the others look worried and I sigh as I go on: "Those nightmares only took 4 days to take me down and break what was left of me, not to mention that the Dursleys were still whispering those words when I was half-asleep. I left for the elder side of the School-grounds where the punks and the older years stayed.
I had heard some rumors about punks hurting themselves for fun and using drugs and all. I didn't care about the drugs, but I hoped they had something I – I could – use to –." I take a deep breath, having a feeling of how much this is going to hurt those around me and whisper softly: "Something I could use to kill myself with."
Instantly the hugs intensify and tears start sliding down all four faces. I feel the need to cry too, not for the pain the memory causes me, but the pain I cause them. Then Mss. Crenson hiccups: "What happened? What stopped you?" I look down, now letting my tears fall as I remember that day like it was yesterday and say:

"Erica did." Two words that make the tears stop and make Mss. Crenson smile in loving pride, which inspires me to go on: "I had visited that location, saw some beer bottles, broken wine bottles and shards of glass that came from the bottles and knew I could use them to finally relieve everyone's misery and take myself from them.
I leaned against the back wall of the school, just beside a container to make it look like an accident and was deciding where to use a larger shard I had found to effectively kill myself. I knew slicing the throat, wrist or a stab in the head wouldn't kill me quick enough for someone to notice I had done it myself, so chose my heart.

But –." Here I smile and whisper: "Erica had other plans. She had retired from the US army and had been hired to keep youngsters from committing crimes, whether it be drug-abuse or property destruction. She caught me when my arm was halfway down my body and used her old war fighting techniques to slap the shard out of my hand.
She then quickly took me to her office and there I cried, begging her to kill me and telling her how I felt." I lower my head, feeling slightly embarrassed and say: "That was – in all honesty – the first time I could ever remember being hugged like I was cared for – like I actually mattered to her, while she was a total stranger to me.
She hugged me and didn't let me go no matter how much I begged her to let me go, cursed myself or hit her with my fists. I fought to let her let me go and just kill me, but she just held me and said nothing. It took me a full 17 to 20 minutes before I ran out of energy and I actually fell asleep with her arms still around me.
The next morning I woke up and the first thing I thought off was of how terrifying uncle Vernon was going to be, but apparently Erica had told him a thing or two and convinced him to leave me with her for a couple of days. She stayed by my side, helped me learn self-defense, made me talk of that event and helped my self-esteem grow.

Three days later I returned home and apparently Erica had called and used her title as US Marshall to make sure I didn't get in trouble – she just forgot to mention she was retired. Uncle shortened my chore list and Dudley stopped joining his parents in the whispering. Unfortunately, he chose to do something else instead."
I look down, trying to focus on the purple shirt and black pants Viktor wears to bed and while tears softly slide down my face, I whisper: "Erica had wanted to keep me for a week, but she had retired, because her last mission caused her to have heart and lung problems. And that –." I sigh and go on: "Was common knowledge at school."
Now Mss. Crenson lowers her own head and whispers: "I always knew he had something to do with it." I nod and mutter angrily: "I never forgot that day. It was the 7th of September in 1987 and Dudley came home early, saying they had been given free from school right after break, because a guard had died from a heart attack.
He then turned to me with a nasty smirk and said such a shame for poor Mss. Erica. I had blanched and that had been the only times Dudley had ever seen me cry. Of course the cruel gleam in his eyes made me know he was responsible for it, but I didn't dare speak of it, in fear of a repeat of the window incident then almost a year ago.

I went to Erica's funeral and met so many people, mostly soldiers and Marshalls she fought with. The strength they showed and the stories they told me of her when it was their turn to speak made me feel as if Erica was always with me and with those stories always in my mind, I just lived and fought on against those Dursleys.
I just never realized how wrong it was what they were doing, because after that I never saw anyone but the people from my neighborhood, those Muggles and Dudley's friends. And to me, they were all the same in their lives and treatment, so it was impossible for me to learn that what they did and how I was treated was wrong."

Then a small smile appears on my face as a small wave of strengthened joy courses through me and I say: "I remember the day she was buried. It was during a very touching speech that the sun shone through one of the roof windows and right on one small leaf in a large bush. It lasted only a minute and I was the only one who saw it, but

It really made me feel
As if she was there with me."

The others smile and mum whispers: "Thank you, Harry. We love you very much and we're sorry we had to let you go through this. I fully understand why you don't want to remember these events." I smile at him and whisper: "I just want to think that Erica has always been part of me, not someone I met just when I wanted it all to end."
Mum nods and then he hugs me and whispers: "If you want, we can skip the movie plan and, right after this book, go to the graveyard and visit her. So you can meet her again and tell her all you've done over the years. To show her you haven't given up and have made the best you can possibly make out of your life."
I smile at my mum, finally noticing the tears that must have been streaming down my face this entire time and while I use the hand that is not wrapped around my mum's waist to wipe them away, do I whisper: "I'd like that, mum. And I'd love for her to meet you. And you guys too, dad, Viktor. She'd – she'd really love you guys."

The three smile at me and then mum and dad share a glance and mum and Viktor push themselves out of the sleeping bag, before dad changes it to a 2-person bag and whispers: "Time for bed, cub. And just to be sure you don't have nightmares or something, I'll stay right here with you. I did it often when you were just a baby, you know?"
I know I should be embarrassed by this, but can't push myself into feeling that as I am overwhelmed with gratitude, mostly because I'm sure the chapters of today really did a number on me and I whisper: "Thanks, dad, love you." Before I change position and lull myself into a slumber, before sleeping in, cuddled up against my dad.