33: Part Three, Chapter Five
Word Count: 3389, First Published 27 August, 2019 Australian time (May 2022 AN: still working on the rest. In the meantime, I've updated the last few chapters to remove contractions in the "King's" dialogue with Bella - full details of my thinking in the author note at the bottom of chapter 30 (part 3, chap 2) if you're interested.)
And as always, thanks to Ms Meyer for permission to play with her characters and mess up her sand pit.
Unbeta'd
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Author Note:
I'm so sorry this has taken soooo long, especially to those reviewers I sent a preview to maybe a month or more ago saying I hoped to get it out in the next week or two. Life has been hectic and I have been sick – and/or travelling – for most of August. I don't even remember back before that.
And every time I have sat down at my desk to get this up, I realise I have other urgent work things to do. The downside of working for one's self...
I was hoping to get it to a point where the rest was all drafted and just needed a final edit, so I could go back to publishing every week, before I posted this chapter. Unfortunately, I am sorry to say it is not at that point, but I couldn't keep you hanging anymore. I am actually quick sick at the moment, but this chapter was just waiting for me to update it with some edits I made on a printed copy, so I judged that was just about within my brain capacity. Of course, I then made other changes as I went, so hopefully I didn't stuff anything up!
So without further ado...
Previously...
"Bella," he said gently, "I am not sure if you realise—but you must know, you need to understand—" He paused. "Bella, Jasper—"
"No!" She said, glaring at him. "No! Don't even say it. I know what you're going to say, but it's not true, it can't be true. I won't believe it!"
"Bella—"
"No!" She repeated. "I would know! I would feel it! I know what you think. It was just him and a few wolves against all those newborns, and Jake was already injured...But he's fine. Jasper is fine.
"Bella, I am truly sorry, I am. But Victoria saw him being ripped apart."
"No," she said again, though it came out more as a moan this time. "He was experienced with newborn armies," she said. "They couldn't have hurt him."
"He was trying to save you Bella. He did save you. But he could not defend himself properly at the same time."
"No, no, stop it!" she said. "Just stop it!" Her shoulders hunched as she seemed to fold in on herself, and suddenly her shield expanded and he was pushed almost to the wall again. "Go away!" she sobbed out. "Just stop it and go away!"
"Bella—" But a high keening sound was coming from her now, and as she rocked back and forth, head buried in her arms, her shield kept expanding. Marcus decided it was time to make a strategic exit out the door, before her shield trapped him completely. He could always push a hole through the wall, but it wouldn't be his ideal method of escape.
Aro was waiting for him in the hallway. "Was it wise to inform her that her mate was dead while you were alone with her, brother?" The keening sound increased in intensity and volume and Marcus hissed, dragging Aro further away before answering.
"I thought she deserved to be told without an audience," he finally said.
"And that clearly went well," Aro said dryly.
"I would say it went as well as could be expected," Marcus replied. "I've sent Felix and Ariana out for more deer. They should be back within another hour or so. I'm hopeful that feeding again will help her regain control."
Chapter Five – Sanity is a Double-Edged Sword
During Bella's fourth week as a vampire she fed every day, always with Marcus's company, sometimes with Aro or Caius watching on as well. The latter two were still grumbling about Marcus's decision to feed her animal blood, but he as he didn't seem worried by them, Bella decided that she shouldn't be either.
They had carefully failed to mention Jasper again, but Bella never stopped thinking about him. If he was still alive, he would come for her, she was sure of it. Unless he thought she was dead...But Alice would have seen, wouldn't she? She never could see Bella's future very clearly, but she could certainly tell the difference between alive and dead!
But if Jasper truly was dead...How would she know? Would the Cullen's come for her? Or would they blame her? Or even if they didn't blame her, maybe they had simply decided she was fine where she was, and no longer their responsibility?
But she refused to believe Jasper could really be dead. He had said a vampire who lost her mate would go crazy with grief. That the pain of the loss eclipsed any rational thought. And while she was aware that her emotions were somewhat out of control, she didn't think she was crazy. But maybe she wouldn't feel that until she knew for sure? The way Jasper had described it, she thought it was an almost physical pain. Like the effect of a physical bond being broken. But maybe it was solely on an emotional level, and as long as she had hope, she wouldn't feel it. In which case her hope itself was providing her sense of hope, in—what would that be? The opposite of a vicious cycle? So how could she know?
She did have an aching pain in her chest, where her heart used to beat, and a similar burn in her throat. The latter was softened by drinking blood, though it never quite went away. But the burn in her chest never changed. She felt constantly as though something was trying to pull her heart right out of her body, as though that last enormous beat it had given had never allowed it to settle back into place.
But she didn't think she was crazy. Victoria was dead, so maybe that helped. And maybe... if he was dead... But she felt herself starting to hyperventilate just thinking those words. No, no, no, she thought. He wasn't dead. He couldn't be. Be calm. Be calm. Be calm.
He would come for her! He must. And if—don't think it Bella—okay, if things were worse than she imagined, he would be born again, just like she had been. She took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Of course, breathing was completely irrelevant now, so why she hyperventilated when she got upset, she didn't know. But it had happened once or twice a day for the past week, and she was starting to get a better grasp on how to calm herself down. Mind over matter. Deep breathing gave her something to focus on, even if it did nothing to the oxygen levels in her body. (And Marcus had assured her she didn't need oxygen anymore.)
But why hadn't he come for her yet? If he was alive, he must know where she was, Alice would have seen. But maybe if he came to Volterra there would be a bad outcome? Maybe there were things he didn't want Aro to know. No, nothing would have stopped him, nothing except...Deep breath. Deep breath.
She needed to stop going over and over this in her head. She needed to just get out of here and go home. If he was alive, there was a reason he hadn't come. If he—if he wasn't...she needed to be there for when he came back.
Next time Marcus came, she would tell him. She needed to leave.
.
But the next time Marcus came, he brought Aro and Caius with him again, along with Felix and Ariana who both carried deer. She could hear their flying heartbeats when they were still minutes away. She'd learned to estimate how long they would take to arrive by the sound of those heartbeats, but she had no real concept of the actual distance.
She had yet to leave the room she'd completed her change in. Aro euphemistically called it "waking up", as though burning alive in any way resembled sleep! She wished they would let her out. Really, if she was a little crazy, spending four weeks in one room, unable even to lose herself in sleep, was surely sufficient excuse!
She did have access to an en-suite bathroom, thankfully, with both shower and bath. She spent a significant amount of time in there after each feeding frenzy left her covered in blood. The rest of her time was spent lost in her memories, going over and over the ones she wanted to retain, of both the lifetimes she remembered.
"Bella!" Aro exclaimed, as he walked through the door ahead of his fellow leaders, just as though he was surprised to find her there.
"The one and only," she replied, wryly. She could smell the deer now, but she was determined to maintain some level of control this time. The last time Aro and Caius had accompanied Marcus to see her, she had thrown them all against the wall with her shield somehow leaving the deer inside it, and then proceeded to tear both the deer's heads off and lose half their blood to the floor. They had been talking about Jasper as they approached, and she had felt completely out of control.
Marcus had been working with her though, and she knew that if she couldn't show she had some control, she would never get out of this room.
Caius and then Marcus entered behind Aro, followed by Felix and Ariana. Bella gritted her teeth and held her breath, desperately controlling the urge to leap for the deer they carried. The deer themselves were still and silent, except for the racing heartbeats, and the blood rushing around their bodies. They were always like that by the time they got to her, Marcus said they were beyond the point of struggling, having let go of their animal version of hope. She thought it was more likely they were physically in shock.
Ariana looked wary, but Felix grinned at her. "Not going to yank 'em out of our hands this time, then?" he asked.
She clenched her fists, but didn't answer, as to do so would have meant taking a breath.
"Never mind," Felix said cheerfully. He tossed her the deer he was holding, which she caught mid-air. Growling uncontrollably, she retreated to her corner with the deer and bit into its neck.
She felt her shield activate as her eyes closed in bliss. There was nothing, nothing in her prior experience that came close to the satisfaction of drinking blood. She had already forgotten what chocolate tasted like, but she knew it was nothing like this good.
Actually, that wasn't quite right. The deer's blood didn't taste good, exactly, but the feel of it going down her throat... It wasn't just that it soothed the burn. She suspected it was like the feeling a junkie got when they finally got their next high. Relieving the pain, and feeling amazing at the same time. All too soon the deer was dry, and the burn in her throat was only slightly relieved.
She looked up, still growling, and Ariana tossed her the second deer. Her shield automatically let it through—she didn't do anything to make it happen—but she knew it was still up and protecting her, and her prey, from the other vampires. She made short work of the second deer, and felt almost too full by the time she was done. Sloshy. But the burn in her throat was down to a very dull ache, though the ecstasy of the drug was already fading. The pain in her chest was, as always, unchanged. She wondered if that was the difference between animal blood and human blood?
Hopefully, she would never find out.
"Well," Aro said, approvingly, "that was a much more pleasant display than the last time we visited."
"Less unpleasant, I would say," Caius said.
"Indeed," was Aro's only response.
"Bella," Marcus began, more gently. "Could you let Felix in to take away the carcasses?"
She took a breath and moved away from the deer. Marcus had been attempting, after each time she fed, to help her control her shield. But she still didn't know quite how she turned it on or off. It just happened.
"Well, young Bella, that was indeed a more controlled display than we have yet seen from you. For a newborn of four weeks old, you are doing very well. I think it might be time we brought you out to begin training with the guard. Has Marcus explained to you your place, within our little community?"
Bella's eyes flicked to Marcus. What was that supposed to mean? She instinctively trusted Marcus more than either Aro or Caius, and didn't want to give the wrong answer. She rather thought this was a conversation she'd rather have just with Marcus, but Aro was not going to let that happen.
"I shall take that as a no then, shall I?"
"I'm not sure what you mean," she admitted.
"Well, my dear, Marcus changed you." She growled lowly, but otherwise held her piece. "That gives you a certain...standing, within the Volturi. Anyone changed by one of the rulers has a place with us by default, but in your case... well Marcus has not changed anyone in a very long time. However, you still need to earn your place within the guard. You will need to be trained, and the sooner that starts the better."
"If she has the control necessary," Caius interjected, "and is fully stable. Which I am still not convinced she is, despite today's improvement."
"Oh, I think we shall find she will do well enough, once she has the feeding under control," Aro stated breezily. "After all, brother, she did go three weeks without feeding at all. That shows incredible control for a newborn, and if she went a little—shall we say 'batty'?"—he laughed at his own joke before continuing—"during that time, one could hardly blame her, would you not agree?"
Bella was in fact feeling more and more out of control, every second they stood there. She knew Aro was implying that Jasper hadn't been—wasn't—her real mate. He'd already stated as much earlier in the week. She clenched her hands to stop herself from growling or attacking. Marcus had made it clear to her that insane vampires weren't allowed to live, and that although some volatility was expected in newborns, the better she could control it, the better chance she had of survival. Which for some reason, he seemed to care about. She looked at him, pleading with her eyes.
"She will be fine," Marcus said, "but I believe it is too early to consider having her train with the guard yet. For the time being, I will continue working with her to gain control of her emotions."
"Well," she said, through almost clenched teeth, "I would like to take a shower now." She indicated the blood that had spilled down her neck and into her shirt, despite her improved performance. "If you would excuse me?"
"Indeed," Marcus agreed, stepping back and indicating that the others should leave ahead of him. "I shall return a little later, kórā mou."
They left, thank god, and she shut herself in the bathroom to enjoy the one relief she felt in this place.
.
"I should take a shower before bed," Bella said. She sat on her bed, leaning into Jasper, her back against his chest, while he was propped up against the headboard of the bed, his knees raised on either side of her. She had a throw blanket wrapped around her, keeping the cool of his body from affecting her temperature, but it was hardly needed—the feel of him surrounding her raised her temperature anyway. Or maybe that was the effect of his lips nuzzling her neck. His right hand rested on her thigh, which was raised and leaning against his, but his left now moved from its position over her hip, sliding up under her sweater to rest just under her left breast, his index finger tracing lazy circles over her skin.
"Okay," he said, against her skin. "Want me to help you undress?"
"Oh," was her breathy reply, as his hand slide up further to cup her breast, his thumb rubbing slowly back and forth across her nipple. She unconsciously tilted her head further to the side to give him better access, and his tongue darted out to lap against her pulse point.
His right hand now slid up to cup her other breast. She heard a low moan coming from her mouth, as her hands gripped the top of his thighs. "Jasper..." she gasped as he pinched her nipple.
"Mmm?" His lips moved up the column of her neck, and he sucked her earlobe into his mouth. "You didn't answer my question," he added, whispering into her ear, "but then again, what I'm plannin' doesn't really require you to undress." His right hand slid down over her belly, his cool fingers slipping under the waistband of her jeans.
Just then there was a roaring cheer from downstairs. Bella jerked back in response, banging her head against Jasper's chin.
"Charlie's just down stairs," she said, putting her hands over Jasper's to still them—although she couldn't quite bring herself to push them away. "I can't—"
"That's okay, darlin'," he said, kissing the slightly tender spot where her scalp had collided with him—though he must have jerked back himself, or the collision would have been more painful. "I have another idea. Your bathroom has a lock on it right? And if we're a little bit careful, the sound of the shower will disguise any unusual sounds we may make... Though I can tell you from Charlie's emotions that he's entirely caught up with the game he's watchin' anyway."
"You want to—shower with me?"
"Mmhmm." She could hear the smile in his voice.
"I've never—in the shower..."
"Oh I know, darlin'. But I'm pretty sure you want to." His lips we're back on her neck, but his hands were still under hers.
"Yeah," she said, a little breathless. "There is a lock."
Almost before she realised what was happening, she was standing in the bathroom, Jasper's hands steadying her as she swayed, dizzily.
"Sorry," he said. "Too fast?"
"A little." She laughed. "Lock the door."
"Already done, darlin'."
.
She sobbed, tearless moans forcing their way out. She covered her mouth to try to hold the sound in, as her eyes focussed outward and she realised she was not in her bathroom, and Jasper was not with her.
.
"Bella?" Marcus spoke gently, not sure what he was interrupting. She'd seemed completely lost inside her mind since he'd entered, but her happy laughter followed so quickly by the gut-wrenching sobs had him concerned.
She looked at him, and he could see the devastation in her eyes.
"Jasper told me, he said that after you've changed, memories from before can become hard to hold onto," she told him. "I had started to keep a journal... to write down some of the things I wanted to recall. But he also said if you keep thinking of them, once they're fixed in your vampire mind, they'll never fade. So I'm...remembering."
"I'm sorry," he said. "I wish things were different for you."
"Do you?" She asked, cynicism filling her tone. "I don't think Aro does."
"No," Marcus admitted slowly. "But Aro has not lost his mate."
She looked at him, considering. "But you have," she finally said. He just nodded, not wanting to discuss Didyme. "How do you survive then? Jasper said a vampire who loses his mate will usually either seek death or revenge, but either way, losing their mate usually renders them largely insane, generally sooner than later."
"It is not without...difficulty," he replied, "and the assistance of two of our talented vampires."
"But why bother?" she asked. "Is it because—" She stopped herself then, and he wondered what she'd been going to say, but her eyes had glazed over again, and he wondered if she'd forgotten he was there.
"I made Jasper promise," she said suddenly, "that if I died, he would wait for me. We knew it was a possibility. But I would have come back. The fifth life, you see... He said it would be difficult, but he promised he would do it. He wouldn't seek death. He wouldn't let his mind go. He would wait." She refocused on him suddenly. "Is that why I'm—is it your talented vampires, keeping me sane?"
"No," he told her, and didn't add that he wasn't sure she was entirely sane, especially when she zoned out and started rambling like that. "They can't reach you, through your shield."
She frowned. "But my shield's not up right now."
"Your physical shield isn't. Or maybe... Perhaps it's more accurate to say you haven't got your shield stretched out from you right now," he said. "But it's still there, in some form at least. None of our talents work on you."
"Oh." She went quiet again, thinking about that presumably. She was a truly remarkable vampire. To be so controlled, so quickly, was itself amazing. But to also be in almost complete control of herself after losing her mate was phenomenal, even if she did fail to make sense at least half of the time. Of course, Aro just saw that as further evidence that Jasper hadn't really been her mate. But the strength of the bond he'd seen convinced Marcus that Aro was wrong. It was possible, he supposed, that something of her attachment had been lost, in the final change from human to vampire. But nothing seemed to have been lost in the first day of her change, and everything she'd said since waking supported his assumption.
Including the fact that Jasper Whitlock had clearly considered her to be his mate—or had told her such, at least.
No, they were mates, he was sure of it. He suspected her control was more to do with the fact that she'd never met Jasper as a vampire. Marcus had never met a vampire who'd met her mate as a human but then lost him before she was changed. But the consequence was that she didn't—quite—know what she was missing. Oh, she missed him, sure. But not with the intensity of a vampire who'd felt the mating bond, and then had it ripped out.
Marcus took a deep, unnecessary breath. Best not to let his mind wander down that particular rabbit hole. There was only so much Corin could do.
Now Didyme, her ability to make people happy was an altogether different power. You couldn't feel despair around Didyme. You could still experience grief, worry, fear—all the usual range of emotions—but they were accompanied by joy and hope. Never despair.
Corin's ability was to create a sort of addictive contentment. But never joy. And he knew from experience, if he let himself think too much, he could go to a place where Corin's power just didn't touch him.
"Edward couldn't read me, either," Bella said suddenly. "Most of the time, anyway. And Alice couldn't see me very well. Even Jasper..." she trailed off again.
"He'll come back," she said, cryptically, and started rambling again. "That's why I'm still sane. I'm holding on, just like he promised to. He'll come back. But I need to be there. I can't be here, or I'll never find him. And what if he doesn't remember? Will he remember? Maybe only the first life, like me. No Maria then. That would a blessing at least. Or is it all one life, for him? But no, vampire life should count differently. His heart stopped." She tilted her head, as though thinking. "My heart stopped. So this is the fifth life then?"
A/N
Thank you so much to everyone who has left a comment since I last posted! It's so lovely to hear from you. It really does keep me going, even though the past couple of months might make you doubt it! Apologies to those who "reviewed" recently who I may not have replied to. I do read and treasure all your comments!
Without knowing people are waiting to read the next chapter, I don't know how much longer this would take me, but it would be longer, I promise you!
Instead of giving you other recs now, can you tell me – what WIPS should I be reading? I am open to any pairing, but rarely read all-human ones (though if you tell me I really MUST, I will look at it! LOL).
