I feel like shit.

I always feel like shit after I overdose.

I reach a hand up to brush my frizzy curls back and wince as the hospital bracelet scratches the corner of my eye. I bring my wrist to my mouth and snap the bracelet off with my teeth.

I wasn't in the hospital because of my overdose, but I did overdose because I was in the hospital. I can try to explain.

My dad came back home after taking ten years to decide whether he wants to be my father. Naturally, I lost my mind and told him to get the fuck out of here. He acted all hurt and then explained that he pays rent for this apartment so it's technically his. Then I really lost my shit and told him if he doesn't leave right now, I was going to throw myself off the balcony.

I know it sounds dramatic, and I cringe looking back, but the idea of that guy walking back into my life like he never left makes my blood boil.

My mom thought I was overreacting but then started freaking out when I actually climbed over the railing. My dad grinned and told me to stick the landing.

I remember staring down at the street four floors below and getting dizzy from the height. Before I could jump, my palms slipped, and I ended up on my downstairs' neighbor's balcony with a fractured collarbone and a mild concussion.

My nurse was bitter when I came to. She plucked the IV out of my arm and shoved a dixie cup of painkillers in my hand while she called my parents. They both picked me up and didn't say a word on the drive home.

My mom served dinner and we ate in silence. After listening to me grunt in pain while trying to feed myself, my mom took out the box of tramadol they'd prescribed me to take every four hours. My dad shook his head at my bandages and medication, and I don't know why but I got so mad I popped eight pills and reached over for his glass of whiskey to wash them all down.

The last thing I remember is both of us yelling at each other and ignoring my mom when she tried to make me throw up before blacking out.

Anyway, I woke up like fifteen hours later to my mom crying on the foot of my bed and my dad watching tv in my room. My head was already killing me, but when they saw I was alive they started yelling at me again and it gave me another headache.

I was still sluggish, but I didn't want to be around either of them, so I grabbed my phone and left.

I texted the group chat to see if they wanted to meet up at the park, but since I know Kacchan won't stay unless I smoke him out, I stop by Shinsou's for a gram. I didn't even wanna get high last night, I just wanted to talk to somebody.

That never happened of course. Kacchan is not a good listener. I went home after and was glad that it was late enough that I didn't have to run into my parents.

Today I woke up feeling empty again. I blame it on the hunger.

I shuffle into the kitchenette to see if my mom cooked anything and stop dead in my tracks.

He's in there, imposing with his ridiculous height. The ceiling's too low for him so he hunches over the pantry, looking for something to eat too. I must have started seething again because he looks over his shoulder.

"Goodmorning, Izuku," he says.

I grunt in response. I rarely have the strength to speak in the morning and I really don't have any interest in talking to him.

"Sleep well?" he asks.

I don't reply. I walk over to the fridge and look through the door and shelves.

"We're all out of eggs and milk." he mentions.

"Where's mom?" I ask, fingers tightening over the handle.

"I believe she said something about needing new crochet hooks. Or what is knitting needles?"

I hate this guy. If he knew anything about my mom, he'd know she hates crocheting and exclusively knits.

"By the way," he starts, unsolicited. "Can you do us all a favor and please keep your little suicidal tendencies in check?"

I slam the fridge shut and fish my phone out of my back pocket.

"So, the next time you try to kill yourself," he grins again, but I can't tell what kind of emotion he's expressing. "Your mother doesn't spend the rest of her life paying hospital fees? Think you could do that for me?"

My dad could literally care less about me living or dying. He only cares about what's going to happen to my mom. Some part of me is hurt about his indifference, and then I'm angry that I even give a damn.

I have half the mind to grab a chair and fling it at him, but I don't know how he'd react without my mom here. I seriously do not know this man, so I grab my keys and wallet instead of interacting with him any further.

Without another word, I leave and text the group chat and to see if they wanna go out for breakfast. Neither of them replies. They must still be asleep.

I text the other group chat, with Ochako and Tsu. They're awake and down to grab breakfast.

besties

Ochako

im broke /3

Tsu

we can share something3

Don't worry!

I can pay :)

Meet you girls in fifteen?

Sixteen minutes later, I see them sitting outside of our usual breakfast spot. Ochako used to work here, and the staff still loves her enough to slide her free stuff all the time. These girls always get water regardless.

"You can get real drinks by the way," I tell them. My money's better spent on these girls than my other friends anyway.

Tsu orders a kale tonic while Ochako gets a sunrise smoothie. Because I'm paying, I only get water.

"Can I have a sip?" I ask her when it comes, hoping the fruity taste will fix whatever's going on inside of me.

"'course," Ochako says, moving closer to me. They usually both sit on one side of the booth, but now they're flanking me. It makes something in my chest pull.

The waiter asks if we're ready to order.

"I think we need another minute," Tsu answers, then unwraps a straw and plucks it into the smoothie. I sip and space out for a minute.

My mind can't help but wander back to last night, and this morning, and the day my dad came back. I hope my mom doesn't think I hate my life or that I'm so unhappy I want to kill myself. Neither of those attempts were even serious, I just wanted to underscore how much I fucking hate him.

"How is it?" Ochako asks from my right.

I hum, eyes still focused on nothing.

"Are you okay?" Tsu asks from my left.

My head still hurts, and I can still hear the shitty things my dad said to me with a smile on his face. I feel my eyes well up again, so I blink them shut until I gather myself. The tears wet my lashes as my ribs tighten around another tremor. Before I know it, I'm sobbing into my palms.

I hate crying in front of them. I hate how worried they get, rubbing my back soothingly, reaching for napkins, whispering that it's okay.

I was supposed to talk this out last night with the boys, but Shouto bailed, and Kacchan only wanted to get high, so now I'm bawling at brunch with the besties.

I force myself to stop crying when the waiter comes back. Tsu and Ochako are too embarrassed to order since I'm paying, so I order what they usually get and shake my head when the waiter asks if I want anything.

Brunch is silent and awkward because I made it weird with my breakdown. Every time they ask if I wanna talk about it, I just shake my head and urge them to keep eating. Then they insist on walking me home and doing some diy self-care.

I don't want them to come in, but Tsu's already turning my housekey in and Ochako's pushing me from the back to walk forward.

My dad's sitting in the living room, watching tv with a Styrofoam takeout tray on his lap.

"Well, hello," he says, giving them both an approving glance.

"Um. Hi," Ochako replies. Tsu waves.

I ignore him as I open the pantry for sugar, coffee, honey, coconut oil and whatever else Pinterest says.

I used to love having Ochako and Tsu over. They make the house feel so much livelier than when it's just me and my mom. Now I fucking hate seeing them in my kitchen, bouncing around in terry shorts and tanks tops while my dad sits on the couch enjoying the show. Not the show on the screen, the display of my friends stirring together ingredients.

I walk them both into my bathroom and lock the door behind us.

"Was that your dad?" Tsu whispers, sitting up on the sink basin.

I don't know how to answer. Yes, he's my biological father, but that's not my dad. I've never considered him that anyway, so it'd be weird if I just said yes so I just sigh and sniff whatever lip scrub they've concocted.

"Think so," Ochako mouths silently, taking a seat beside her. I don't know how the porcelain doesn't collapse under the weight of both their asses.

Tsu clips my hair back as Ochako starts smearing some starbucks flavored stuff on my skin. I watch them work on me in the mirror. My reflection looks weird. I hope I don't actually look like that in person.

I start zoning out again as they apply the stuff on their own faces. I hope my mom gets back soon. I wanna be alone, but I wanna be alone in the comfort of my own home. I want her to take my dad out for lunch or something so I can send Ochako and Tsu home and cry in peace.

I wonder if my dad is listening to them giggle and whisper to each other. I can barely register they things they say in the midst of my hazy thoughts.

"My lips feel so soft," someone murmurs.

"Really? Let me see."

And then a smooch.

I blink back into consciousness to see them both kissing each other. We've all kissed before, but I'm still shy about that kinda stuff— especially with my dad around—so I just try to maneuver around them bodies while I wash up.

They were right. My lips feel soft too. I hope neither of them tries to kiss me, though.

"What are we gonna do now?" Ochako asks while I pay my face dry.

Tsu hums. "We could go see what Iida's up to…"

I quiet at that. Me and Tenya haven't talked in almost a year. I doubt he wants to see me again. The last time we spoke, he told me to reach out when I got my act cleaned up and I'm… still working on it.

"That sounds fun," Ochako chirps, already pulling her phone out. "We should make him buy us some of that bougie ice cream again."

I sigh. What I really want is to get high again, but neither of them smoke and both of them hate the smell so I don't do it around them.

I thought that their company would be comforting, but it's painful. I don't wanna see them until I feel better again. All I really want is to sit and smoke and not speak to anyone for a long, long time.

And I know just who to hit up for that kind of stoned silence.

While they're distracted, I pull out my phone and send a text that gets replied to immediately.

Kacchan + Shouto

Wanna finish this blunt?

Shouto

Be there in ten

Kaachan

Pick me up

"Deku?" Ochako says, "You coming?"

"You guys go," I decline with a smile. "I'm gonna take a nap."

So, I walk them both out and hug them goodbye, then I wait outside for Kacchan and Shouto to arrive so I don't have to go back inside of my house by myself.