Whitestar's Regret

It's not easy being a father, especially if you're the leader of a clan. I have made a lot of tough choices, a lot of mistakes, and I have a lot of regrets, but none could be worse than hurting your own kit emotionally and spiritually. The worse part is that my own son has never forgiven me and has killed me. That's right, I'm dead and I died with words not said and mistakes that haven't been fixed. I knew he'd never forgiven me for what I've done, even when he did, I knew he was lying. Lightclaw always believed in me, even looked up to me for advice, but ever since I've killed Darkpaw, he's hated me and has wanted me dead. For moons, he refused to talk to me and refused to see me when I would come visit him. If I'm being honest, I wonder if I made the right choice; I know I did, but it cost me my relationship with my son and the trust I had with Blackfur and his family. For many moons, I've pondered on the choices I've made, the life I had, and wondered if all of this was worth it. I know in my heart that it was, but in my mind, I wish I had made different choices. Oh Riverstripe, I wish you hadn't died that night, I wish I had been there, and I wish I had said goodbye when I did. I know you would've been a better parent than me. You were so smart, so brave, and so bold with your beliefs, I don't think I could've done better. I could've been a better father, not just to Lightclaw, but to my daughter, Brightshine, as well. When I found out that she lied about Darkpaw, I was furious and rightfully so. She tricked me into thinking she could do no wrong and I should've trusted my own instincts. Furthermore, I should've never even taken Darkpaw to the Star Council, I knew of Moon's harsh punishments and cruelty, but I never thought Moon would ask me to make an impossible decision; either kill Darkpaw or Moon would kill Lightclaw. Going back on it, I think Lightclaw would've wanted me to save Darkpaw, but I'm his father; how could he ask such a thing? Then again, Lightclaw would rather have died for Darkpaw, then let him die. For a long time, I have tried to never be like my father. I had seen and witnessed his cruelty; I even remember when I saw my father beat Archwillow's brother, Yarrowleaf, to death. I've tried so hard to not be my father and yet, I killed a slave. By now, he would be smiling at me and he would probably kill my son, even if he heard my protests and would dot over Brightshine. I have thought long and hard about my life, my choices, my decisions, and I can say for certain that I should've tried harder. I should've just ignored Moon's snide comments and abolished the slave law, I should've just handled Darkpaw's situation properly, instead of just going to the Star Council, and I should've never hurt my son the way I did. I know that now, but it's too late. I'm dead now and I can't change the past nor fix my mistakes. I've reunited with my friends and family, and I've been talking to my parents and Riverstripe. We're going on good terms and Riverstripe and I are happy to see each other. Lightclaw's on his way to the Starpool now, and I'm worried, not just for him, but for my daughter and our clanmates. I just hope that Lightclaw will forgive me, Brightshine, and Wolffang for our mistakes and that he leads Lightclan to a bright future.