Authors Note:
I would like to thank all of you once again for your support. I really enjoy writing this story, and I really really enjoy how it's turning out.
Please read and review!
Chapter 12
In a flash, the morning had passed, and it was once again time for the freshmen at Peach Creek High School to funnel into the cafeteria for lunch. At present, Ed, Edd and Eddy had already made their way into the cafeteria, and were currently standing in the lunch line. Each boy had taken a lunch tray, sliding them down the counter as the line moved.
The Kanker girls had headed to the music room for lunch. Marie and Lee had decided to work together to finalize the choreography and musical arrangement for the ballet piece, with May tagging along for moral support. Thus the Ed boys would be without their Kanker counterparts for the period.
As the boys awaited their turn in line, they passed the large wall mounted poster displaying the lunch menu. Double Dee decided to comment.
"It's been ages since I have elected to purchase school lunch in lieu of packing," said Double Dee, "In fact I don't believe I've ever purchased lunch in the time I've been in high school, nor have I taken the time analyze the menu."
"There ain't nothin' to 'analyze'," said Eddy with a sarcastic tone, "It's either pizza or chicken nuggets. Take one, put it on your plate, sit down and eat."
Double Dee glanced at his short best friend with an expression of dissatisfaction at Eddy's less than enthusiastic retort. He decided to reply.
"Well Eddy," said Double Dee, "I can't help but notice that you have added an unprecedented level of sarcasm to your response to my inquirery. Are you really that upset about agreeing to participate in Lee's performance of the Nutcracker?"
The lunch lady placed a piece of pizza on each of the Ed boys plates, after which they began walking towards their table.
"This was the worst day ever!" yelled Eddy, "I forgot to set my alarm, because I had to sit and listen to all of Lee's problems for half the night. I had to run to school so I wouldn't get a weeks detention. I forgot about the math test we had this morning so I failed it, and to top it all off, now Lee has me set up to prance around on stage like some kind of sissy boy! This day couldn't get any worse!"
At that point, Eddy accidentally tripped over one of his shoelaces that had inadvertently became loose. Due to the forward momentum his body had carried as he walked, the trip sent him careening face-first toward the ground, causing him to spill his beverage, as well as his pizza slice onto the ground.
Double Dee and Ed watched with concerned expressions as Eddy rose to his knees, and ground his teeth. His face gradually turned to a bright shade of red, as he picked up his lunch tray, let out a loud scream, and began slamming the tray repeatedly on the ground, attracting the attention of the entire lunchroom.
"Eddy, please!" said Double Dee as he ran over to his friend, "Calm down!"
Double Dee took the lunch tray off of Eddy, as Ed retrained him from behind. Eddy continued to writhe around in Ed's arms uncontrollably, as he made several indistinct noises out of frustration.
"Eddy," said Double Dee, attempting to calm his friend, "Eddy!...EDDY!"
After his last words, Double Dee took Eddy's lunch tray and in one swift motion, struck Eddy across his face. Eddy immediately calmed down, and responded in a quiet, collected voice.
"Thank you, I needed that." said Eddy.
"You're very welcome Eddy," said Double Dee, "While I abhor violence, I reasoned that this unique situation warranted physical intervention. Besides, it certainly worked on me when you slammed by bed over my head during the incident in which I misplaced my magnifying glass two summers ago. It was time for me to return the favor!"
Double Dee giggled, after which Eddy took a seat at the lunch table, placing his chin in his hands. Double Dee retrieved a plastic knife from the lunch counter, cut his slice of pizza in half, and placed one of the halves on Eddy's plate.
"Thanks pal," said Eddy, "I owe ya one."
"You're very welcome Eddy," said Double Dee, "I'm always willing to help whenever a friend has a problem."
The boys began enjoying their lunch in silence. A few seconds had passed, after which Eddy dropped his pizza slice onto his plate, and suddenly began speaking.
"It's just so frustrating!" said Eddy, "She's a totally different person now that this stuck-up high class broad is in the picture. Everything Lee does, every move she makes, it's all about Lindsay! Geez, it's like she was in love with her and she broke her heart it's crazy!"
Eddy stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of the lunch table. Double Dee's eyes tracked his every movement as he sat with his hands folded. Ed too observed Eddy's motions, as he chewed the entire slice of pizza he had just shoved into his mouth.
"She doesn't have any time for me anymore!" said Eddy, "She was supposed to help me with my math test, but she was too focused on this stupid contest!"
"Eddy, I am afraid I must object to your statement." said Double Dee, "I believe that Lee's desire to have you participate in her agenda, not to mention provide you with perhaps the most important and endearing part in her ballet performance, certainly constitutes her spending time with you."
"Sure, she's spending time with me" said Eddy, "But as long as Lindsay's been around the only thing she's just been doing is using me to get what she wants."
"I will admit that Lee's recent behavior seems to be driven by the presence of Lindsay," said Double Dee, "But nevertheless, your emotional feelings for her have not changed, have they?"
"Hell no, I still like her," said Eddy, "But I'll be damned if I'm going to be used as a pawn all the way until Christmas!"
Ed giggled as he swallowed his pizza, after which he added a statement to the conversation in his typical dopey sounding voice.
"Eddy can only move one space." said Ed referring to the pawns of a chess board, after which he giggled.
"Yes Ed, that's right," said Double Dee, "Allow me to expand the simile. Eddy, you may feel as though you can only move one proverbial space forward on the board of life right now. But just as the pawn is promoted to a higher ranking piece upon reaching the end of the chess board, I guarantee that if you maintain a positive mindset, you will become a much better person if you support Lee until the end."
Double Dee put his hand on Eddy's shoulder.
"I for one think it is wonderful that you are going to learn the fabulous, ages old technique of ballet under Lee's tutelage. Who knows, you may discover a new hobby to enjoy, and better yet you will be able to share it with Lee."
"Double Dee, I promised Lee I would dance with her." said Eddy, "I won't go back on it. But I'm not gonna like it, I'm never doing it again, and somehow, someway I'm digging myself out from this mess between her and Lindsay. Tonight I'm putting my foot do..."
Eddy was not able to complete his sentence, as he was suddenly knocked down to the floor from behind. After regaining his composure, Eddy turned to see Rolf standing at the lunch table, his face carrying an expression of panic. In a rush to locate Double Dee, he had not taken notice of Eddy's position and had inadvertently knocked him down.
"Double Dee Ed Boy!" yelled Rolf, "Rolf is pleased to see you, as he would like to request your assistance."
Rolf removed a small envelope from his pocket. He proceeded to open it, and removed a piece of folded up stationary paper.
"Rolf has still failed to master the art of the letter writing in your native tongue of English, and would be in eternal gratitude if you could help, Head Full of Brains Ed Boy." said Rolf.
Double Dee smiled as he took Rolf's letter in his hands, he proceeded to unfold it as he continued speaking.
"Why certainly Rolf," said Eddy, "Let's have a look at your letter."
Double Dee opened the letter and proceeded to read it to himself.
My deerest Lidzy,
My heart beets with the rythm of the drums of yujish every time I see your preety face.
Your eyes, are as round and full as the pearls of the clam and your hair as gold as as the Dablouns of Yorq. Please do Rolf the honors of giving a kiss under a yaks membraine, as we celebrate the feast of the great Yeshmiyek. We shall tie the knots of the ropes of affection, and declare ourselves one in front of the pig of adoration.
Love,
Rolf
Double Dee placed the letter down on the lunch table with a somber expression on his face, at which point Eddy snatched the letter in his hands and began reading.
"Whoa Rolfie boy!" said Eddy, "Listen, we need to talk man. I don't know what you could possibly see in her, but I gotta tell ya for your own good this ain't a good idea at all."
Rolf appeared confused at Eddy's statement.
"Which part is not good?" said Rolf, "Is the traditional kiss under the yaks membrane frowned upon in the traditions of this country?"
Double Dee sighed.
"No Rolf, it's not that," said Double Dee, "While I would under any ordinary circumstance be happy to assist you in completing this letter, I am afraid that, as your good friend I cannot allow you to continue, for I strongly believe that it will result in disappointment to you. You see Rolf, you are a great man, but I do not believe that Lindsay, being the girl she is, would be willing to engage..."
Double Dee could not finish delivering his soliloquy, intended to gently let his friend know the futilities of pursuing Lindsay, as Rolf had interrupted him.
"Hush Ed Boy!" said Rolf, as he placed his hand over Double Dee's mouth. He simultaneously glanced toward the cafeteria doors as he pointed his finger, "The beautiful female has arrived!"
At that point, all of the Ed's and Rolf glanced towards the cafeteria doors. Lindsay Statorowski had in fact arrived in the cafeteria, and was making her way toward her typical lunch table, situated on the far side of the room. She was carrying a tan handbag, and, as usual, was flanked by a few of her friends. She walked with an air of confidence, swaying her hips, as her face displayed her characteristic scowl.
"Ah," said Rolf in a relaxed manner, "As pretty as the dolls of Gustac displayed by Nana in her bedroom."
Rolf began walking away from the Ed's position.
"Hold your thought Smart-As-A-Whip Ed Boy, for Rolf's heart can no longer fathom waiting to speak to the beautiful angel," said Rolf, "Rolf shall return!"
Before the Ed boys could interject, Rolf had already left speaking range. The tall lanky boy quickly darted across the cafeteria, appearing as if he was lighter than air. Within seconds, he was standing directly next to Lindsay, who was standing near her lunch table conversing amongst her group of friends.
Within seconds, one of Lindsay's friends took notice of Rolf, and decided to alert Lindsay by signaling her to turn around with her index finger. Lindsay promptly turned around, and met eyes with Rolf. While Rolf was smiling dreamily, Lindsay appeared slightly annoyed and uncomfortable.
The Eds watched as the first conversation between Lindsay and Rolf began to unfold.
"Can I help you?" asked Lindsay in a sarcastic tone.
Rolf smiled as he grabbed Lindsay's hand in his.
"That voice," said Rolf, "As smooth and angelic as the call of the spirit of the harvest..."
Rolf lifted Lindsay's hand, and proceeded to lean his face down toward it. He quickly touched his lips to the top of her hand, at which point she pulled it away with force.
"Eww," said Lindsay as she winced in disgust, flinging her hand in an attempt to remove whatever nastiness may have been transferred to it.
Lindsay used a napkin to wipe off the top of her hand, after which she continued the conversation in a nasty tone.
"And you are?..." asked Lindsay
"I am called Rolf," said Rolf as he grabbed Lindsay's hand using both off his, slightly surprising her, "Rolf is friends with the boy known as Kevin, Go-Go Nazz girl, as well as the three Ed boys and the Kanker girls they are smitten with."
Lindsay pulled her hands away from Rolf's, and continued speaking maintaining her arrogant composure.
"Now it all makes sense," said Lindsay, "Yet another degenerate arises from the world of filth that surrounds those Kanker sores."
Lindsay flicked her hair, after which she opened up her fold-up make-up mirror. She began adjusting her eye shadow as she continued speaking.
"Look guy," said Lindsay, "Get to the point and get out of here, I've got my lunch to enjoy and I don't have time to deal with anyone right now, especially someone who wants to admit their friends with Annalee Kanker."
At that moment, Rolf once again grabbed Lindsay's hand, causing her makeup mirror to fall onto the floor. Lindsay was quite surprised as Rolf began spinning her in circles around the middle of the cafeteria. As these events unfolded, the three Ed boys continued to watch from their lunch table; Ed watching with a dopey smile and Double Dee watching with concern. Eddy however was having field day, laughing uncontrollably at Rolf's outlandish display, as well as Lindsay's peril.
As Rolf continued spinning Lindsay he began to speak.
"Rolf's heart burns with passion for you my beautiful Schmetlockin, just as the rays of the sun scorch his back whilst he tills the fields in Papa's garden during the summer!"
At this point, Lindsay's typical calm and collected facial expression had disappeared, and was replaced by one of distress. Rolf ceased spinning Lindsay, and placed her in a position as if he was performing a "dip" during a ballroom dance.
"As a token of my affection, Rolf provides the traditional Herring of courtship." said Rolf as he reached into his backpack. He removed a rather large slimy fish, the mouth of which was impaled with a large fishing hook. The hook appeared to be tied to a necklace made of beads.
"Rolf will now place this ornament around your beautiful neck, to display his intent of courtship." said Rolf.
Lindsay quickly batted the fish away from her face, regained her footing, and pushed Rolf away from her.
"Gross!" yelled Lindsay, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy left on Earth!"
Rolf paused for a few seconds, appearing as if was confused. After only a few seconds, he regained his smile.
"Ho ho!" said Rolf, "I see you are familiar with the customs of Rolf's old country. When the female refuses the offer of the Herring of Courtship, it means that she is in gratitude and is willing attend the traditional, post-courting family feast!"
Rolf quickly embraced Lindsay, touching his face to hers much to Lindsay's disgust.
"Oh Lizzy," said Rolf, "You make Rolf the happiest son-of-a-shephard in the world."
At the sound of Rolf's words, a hypothetical circuit seemed to trip within Lindsay's psyche. Her face began to turn bright red, and her fists tightened up. Within moments, she had broken out of Rolf's embrace, and pinned him against the cafeteria wall.
The Ed's, as well as the rest of the cafeteria, watched in shock as the events unfolded. As Lindsay stared intently into Rolf's eyes, with what seemed to be burning anger, Rolf remained placid, somewhat excited about Lindsay's rage.
"Now listen here you wierdo!" said Lindsay as she held her index finger up to Rolf's face, her long pink fingernail almost touching his nose, "My name is Lindsay, don't you ever call me Lizzy again, or I will make your life through all four years of high school an absolute living hell! And one more thing, keep your weird traditions to yourself and stay the hell away from me you freak!"
At that point, Lindsay lifted her right hand in the air, and proceeded to deliver a slap to Rolf's left cheek. The sound of the slap seemed to resonate throughout the entire cafeteria, and was delivered with enough power to knock Rolf to the floor.
After delivering the slap, Lindsay walked over to her lunch table, picked up her handbag, and proceeded to storm out of the cafeteria. Her two friends, with concerned looks on their faces, rose up out of their seated positions and quickly followed suit.
Ed, Edd and Eddy quickly ran over towards their downed foreign friend.
"Damn," said Eddy as he laughed, "Way to turn on the charm Rolfie boy!"
"My goodness Rolf," said Double Dee as he helped Rolf back to a standing position, "Are you alright?"
Rolf appeared as if he was dazed momentarily, after which a smile returned to his face.
"The slap of divinity!" yelled Rolf as he clasped his hands in excitement, "The perfect sign of affection in Rolf's old country!"
The Ed's stood confused as Rolf proceeded to skip around the cafeteria in circles, humming jolly folk songs in his native tongue. Double Dee decided to comment on the situation.
"It never ceases to amaze me how much different Rolf's culture is than our own," said Double Dee, "I cannot imagine an expression of violence being symbolic of affection in our culture."
At that point, a grin appeared on Eddy's face.
"I know," said Eddy, "It's perfect."
Double Dee glanced towards his stubby best friend.
"What do you mean Eddy?" asked Double Dee.
"Watching Rolfie Boy's little Romeo impression gave me a brilliant idea," said Eddy, after which he leaned towards Double Dee to ensure that Rolf would not hear his words.
"We can use Rolf to get rid of Lindsay once and for all." said Eddy after which he giggled.
"Use Rolf?" asked Double Dee with an air of confusion.
"Look," said Eddy as he placed his arm around Double Dees shoulder, "You just witnessed how much Rolf drove Lindsay crazy. And you being the smart guy you are, can see that Lindsay is the reason why Lee is dragging me into all of these crazy plans."
Eddy pulled away from Double Dee, and proceeded to rub his hands together in front of his body.
"If all goes according to plan, I'll have Lindsay so deeply afraid of Rolf that she won't show herself around us ever again. Then Lee will stop worrying about the winter ball. She'll regain her senses and realize she doesn't want to go and I can get my twenty dollars back." said Eddy.
Double Dee stared at Eddy with surprise, unable to utter a single word. Eddy playfully hit Double Dee with his elbow, after which continued speaking.
"Between you and me," said Eddy, "I'm still going to take Chris up on his job offer, and if this plan works, I'll be able to pocket the money I would have spent on that dress."
"Eddy!" yelled Double Dee, "I cannot believe the words I am hearing. Are you so cruel as to not only use your good friend as a pawn in your ridiculous schemes, but to also deny Lee her opportunity to wear the dress of her dreams at the winter ball? Rolf is obviously infatuated with Lindsay, and she obviously does not return his feelings. The longer we allow Rolf to think he has a chance with Lindsay, the harder it is going to be for him when he finally finds out it wasn't meant to be."
"Listen Sockhead," said Eddy, "I've tried it with the 'having feelings' and 'looking on the bright side' way, and I'm still getting screwed. It's about time I started doing things the Eddy way."
"Eddy, I beg you to reconsider going down this insane path." said Double Dee, "I really believe you are making a grave mistake, and I simply cannot see this ending in anything other than disaster. However, if you wish to continue with this course of action, I will not stop you, nor will I have any further comments in regard to it. I merely request that I be completely left out of anything to do with it. "
"Relax Double Dee" said Eddy, "Have I ever been wrong before?"
Eddy playfully punched Double Dee as he began walking towards Rolf.
"Yo Rolfie Boy," said Eddy, "Man that Lindsay is crazy about ya!"
Rolf smiled as Eddy placed his arm around his shoulder, and began walking him back to their lunch table.
"Let's go work on that letter," said Eddy, "When I'm done with ya, Lindsay will be begging to have that feast of...whatever with ya!"
Double Dee sighed as he watched Eddy begin making corrections to Rolf's letter, after which he and Ed returned to the table to finish enjoying their lunch.
