Chapter 23

It was ten minutes until 7:00, and while The Green Clover was experiencing a lull in terms of customer volume, the malls corridors were packed with crowds of people, typical of a Saturday night. The malls food court, located a short distance from The Green Clover was no exception; it was a common gathering place for the teenagers of Peach Creek and the surrounding communities, especially on the weekends.

It just so happened that all three Ed boys, Kevin and Rolf were among these teenagers. Due to the presumption that the Kanker girls were spending the evening Christmas shopping, and Nazz being preoccupied with Jonny's antics in order to avoid spoiling Kevin's Christmas surprise, Eddy had decided to round up the guys and have a night out between the boys, something that they had not enjoyed in quite a while.

The boys were currently sitting at one of the tables within the food court. They had chipped in to buy a large plate of nachos, which was currently being devoured by Ed, Eddy and Rolf. Double Dee, being the neat freak that he was, did not care so much for the messy cheese poured over top of the nachos. This caused him to abstain from enjoying the chips. Likewise, Kevin was still rather distraught about his missing bike, and thus was not in the mood for eating.

"Well boys," said Eddy, "This is life."

"Yes, thank you for introducing me to this fine delicacy Ed boy!" said Rolf as he lifted a nacho off of the plate, stretching the cheese until it broke.

"These nachos are good!" said Ed in a mumbling fashion as his mouth was completely full. To Double Dee's dismay, some small pieces of food happened to spray on his cheek as Ed spoke. He quickly picked up a napkin and proceeded to remove the mess from his skin.

"I am glad to see that you three are enjoying your meal," said Double Dee, "But may I respectfully request that we remember basic table etiquette. Just because our girlfriends are not present does not mean we should fall into social disarray."

"Calm down Sockhead," said Eddy, "This is guy time! It's the whole point of this night remember? I mean how long's it been since us guys got a chance to hang out just the five of us."

Eddy performed a hitchhikers thumb toward Kevin.

"Even Shovelchin's girl had plans with her sister tonight!" said Eddy.

Double Dee glanced at Kevin, and took note that the red haired adolescent was not smiling; rather he appeared rather disheartened.

"Cheer up Kevin," said Double Dee, "I am completely aware as to how much that bicycle means to you, and understand frustration of bring unable to locate a lost item."

Kevin reached into his pocket and pulled out a photograph of himself sitting on his bicycle. In the photograph, Kevin donned a black leather jacket, along with a pair of dark sunglasses, as his face displayed a confident grin.

"My baby," said Kevin, "She's gone. I might never see her again."

Kevin placed the picture back into his pocket, after which he folded his arms on the table, and placed his head on top of them. Ed swallowed the remaining nachos he had in his mouth, much to Double Dee's relief, and patted Kevin on the back.

"There there mister," said Ed, "I'm sure Santa just took it back to his workshop to have it fixed!"

"C'mon Ed," said Eddy as he took a sip of his fountain soda, "You still believe in Santa?"

"Santa's real Eddy," said Ed, "He's all around us, spreading his Christmas cheer to all the good little boys and girls. I'll bet he's watching right now, and planning how he's gonna help me get my Little May her present."

"There's only one fat guy giving away gifts around here," said Eddy, "And it's that Santa impersonator down in the main concourse."

Double Dee glanced toward Eddy with a hint of disappointment.

"Well I for one agree with Ed," said Double Dee, "While it may be a known fact that Santa Claus, as a person is imaginary, the personification of the jolly, corpulent man is alive and well. I view Santa Claus as the spirit of the holiday season, an intangible entity that fills individuals around the world with peace, hope and compassion."

Double Dee turned towards Kevin and placed his hand on his shoulder.

"And I believe that is what Ed is attempting to explain," said Double Dee, "With a little faith, I am sure that your beloved bicycle will be returned by Christmas."

Kevin continued to stare forward as if he was in a trance. A few seconds passed, after which his eyes became somewhat glassy, indicative of the formation of tears.

"I'll be back guys," said Kevin as he rose out of his chair, "I just gotta use the bathroom. Order another round of nachos, watching you pigs eat them all got me hungry."

Kevin darted towards the restroom, obviously escaping the situation due to his desire to avoid tearing up in front of his friends. Eddy waited for Kevin to disappear behind the restroom door, after which he turned to Rolf.

"So Rolfie boy," said Eddy with a grin, "Speaking of Christmas, me and Ed figured we could help ya out a little and whip up a little something-something for ya to give to Lindsay."

"Really Ed boy!" said Rolf with a smile, "Rolf wishes to give thanks to you, as this son-of-Shepard is not familiar with the local customs regarding...how do you say?..Christmas!"

"Well don't you worry about a thing buddy," said Eddy, "Cause the love doctor's got ya a prescription for happiness. Ed, show our pal what we made for him earlier."

"Aye, aye Eddy," said Ed at which point he reached down towards an old duffel back he had brought with him to the mall. He unzipped the bag, and proceeded to reach inside with both of his hands to retrieve the object in question.

"Ta Da!" yelled Ed as he placed the gift on the center of the table. He placed his hands behind his back as he stood next to the table,smiling dopily.

Double Dee observed the "gift", if one could even call it that, that sat in the center of the table with an expression of extreme confusion. The concoction appeared as if it was meant to be a bust of Lindsay. The statues face was extremely misshapen, and appeared as if it was made in the style of Pablo Picasso; the right eyelid dropped severely to the point that it appeared the eye was closed. The left side of the bottom lip sagged towards the table, and the tongue was hanging out of the left side of the mouth. Finally, the entire bust was made out of toilet paper that had been soaked in a bathroom sink and molded into a crude likeness of Lindsay.

"Up until now, I had thought I'd witnessed the limits of our absurdities." said Double Dee to himself quietly, "This most certainly takes the proverbial cake."

Rolf observed the "statue" for a few seconds, after which he smiled while rising from his seated position.

"Ho ho," said Rolf, "A token of affections for my beautiful Schmetlockin."

Rolf picked up the still slightly soggy bust and examined it.

"This paper used for cleaning of the nether regions", said Rolf, "Gifts made of such materials are part of your countries traditions, no?"

"You bet Rolfie boy!" said Eddy as he placed his arm around Rolfs shoulder, "My dad makes one for my mom every year. And believe me, we made this one out of the highest quality TP we could find!"

"Toilet Toms Two-Ply!" yelled Ed, "Attention to detail, that's why we're the best!"

Double Dee opened his mouth to morally interject to Eddy's plan, but quickly silenced himself, as he decided to honor his commitment to stay out of Eddy's plan.

"Thank you Ed boy!" yelled Rolf, "Rolf is eternally grateful! Please allow Rolf to honor you with the armpit rub of gratitude."

I old reached for Eddy's arm in an effort to raise it to deliver Eddy one of his cultures highest honors, but before he could initiate the movement, Eddy decided to interrupt him.

"No worries Rolf," said Eddy as he pulled his arm away from Rolf, "You can thank me later, I wouldn't want to ruin this perfectly timed moment!"

Eddy used the index and middle fingers of his left hand to point in the direction behind Rolf. The tall, foreign boy quickly turned his head to face the direction pointed out by Eddy, at which point a loving smile appeared on his face.

It just so happened that Lindsay, who had just finished up her purchase of a pair of blue jeans from Marie in the Green Clover, had decided to take a detour through the malls food court as she made her way to her next destination. She was once again carrying her grey designer handbag, and as always, attempted to flaunt her hips as she walked; her face displayed it's typical arrogant scowl.

"Ah," said Rolf in a relaxed vocal tone, "My Schmetlockin, her hair as gold as..."

Rolf was interrupted as Eddy shoved the toilet paper concoction into Rolf's chest.

"No time to talk," said Eddy, "Here's your opportunity Rolfie boy. Go wow her with this, and I guarantee ya she'll be begging for more. And remember to turn on the charm with a lot of your old countries traditions. I heard that Lindsay loves exploring other cultures, so have at it!"

Eddy patted Rolf on the back, after which he began making his way toward Lindsay. The stout Ed boy returned to his seated position, giggling uncontrollably.

"I can't believe you actually took the time to attempt to construct a bust of Lindsay out of toilet paper," said Double Dee.

"Hey, what can I say," said Eddy, "It suits her personality!"

Eddy laughed, after which he took another sip of his soda.

"I can only hope that poor Rolf's feelings aren't completely shattered when this plan inevitably fails." said Double Dee.

"Don't worry, he can take it." said Eddy, "Besides, if that slap he got last time was considered sexy, he'll surely like the result of this little conversation. And the best part is, Lindsay will hate it and eventually do anything to avoid us."

Double Dee sighed as he turned towards Rolf's position to witness the events unfold.

To Rolf's good fortune, Lindsay had decided to stop in the center of the food court to adjust her makeup. As she gazed at her face in her pocket mirror, she sensed an individual standing behind her. She slowly rotated the mirror until it was focused on the area over her shoulder, at which point her eyes met with Rolfs.

"Hello, yes!" said Rolf enthusiastically.

Lindsay rolled her eyes, as she used her right hand to close her clamshell mirror with an audible click. She placed the mirror into her handbag, and turned her head around to face Rolf.

"Oh, you again," said Lindsay with a scowl.

"Good evening to you my beautiful golden-haired babushka," said Rolf, "Rolf feels as though the sprites of love have struck his heart, and wishes to offer you the opportunity to join him for Nana's feast prepared for the coming of the Great Yeshmiyek."

Lindsay turned around completely to face Rolf as she sighed.

"Look guy, I told you before," said Lindsay, "I'm not interested. So why don't you take all of your weir..."

Rolf suddenly grabbed Lindsay's arm below her wrist, and brought it towards his face with a smile.

"Rolf wishes to share with you many of the traditional courtship rituals of his old country," said Rolf, "To proclaim his desire to share his love, Rolf offers the 'clutch of endearment', a tradition passed down through the generations that has brought all of Rolf's fore fathers together with his fore-mothers!"

At that moment, much to Lindsay's dismay, Rolf lifted his other hand up while smiling and reciting what seemed to be a poem in his native language. He proceeded to extend his pinky finger and place it around Lindsay's pinky finger, in a gesture commonly known in most cultures as a "pinky swear".

Strangely, Lindsay did not immediately react to Rolf's gesture with disgust. Rather, she stared wide-eyed at her hand, seemingly in deep thought. Within seconds, she slowly but surely curled her finger around Rolf's as well, apparently returning the gesture.

"Rolf sees that you accept his offer of flirtation!" said Rolf excitedly.

At the sound of Rolf's voice, Lindsay broke from her thoughts and quickly yanked her hand away from Rolf's. Lindsay rubbed her hand, after which she looked towards Rolf.

"Ah...No." said Lindsay sarcastically, "Look, I gotta go. I got a busy schedule, and if I wasted it on every guy that ever wanted to go out with me, I would never get anything done."

Lindsay turned and began walking away from Rolf. She hadn't taken two steps when the boy suddenly jumped in front of her.

"Not quite yet my sweet babushka," said Rolf, "For Rolf has not yet offered his partaking in the mandatory exchange of material possessions typical of the holidays in this new country."

At that moment, Rolf suddenly placed the toilet paper concoction into Lindsay's hands. Due to the grotesque appearance of the object, the fact that the toilet paper was still somewhat soggy, and Lindsay's "girly girl" tendencies, the gesture did not sit well with the young lady.

"EWW!" yelled Lindsay as she flung her arms outward to rid herself of the nuisance that Rolf had placed in her hands. While the gesture did achieve it's goal, the bust was not the only item that had found itself on the floor. Unfortunately, Lindsay's sudden motion caused her handbag to fall off of her shoulder, and all of it's contents to spill out.

Lindsay quickly scrambled to upright her handbag, and kneeled down to begin collecting her possessions as she clenched her teeth in anger. The contents of her bag consisted of what seemed like an endless supply of makeup, and several personal head shots and other magazine clippings she has starred in throughout her modeling career.

Of course, Rolf, being the good natured individual he was, decided to attempt to assist in the cleanup.

"Please allow Rolf to assist, my love," said Rolf as he transitioned to a kneeling position.

Rolf reached down towards a pile of Lindsay's head shots, with the intent of turning them back over to her. However, as Rolf reached for the photographs, he took notice that one of the sheets in the pile was not like the others. Rolf's absent mindedness got the best of him, and he decided to pick up the unique piece of paper for a closer look.

The sheet was a typical piece of white paper that appeared to have been torn out of an artists sketchbook. On it appeared to be an extremely crude child's drawing of a girl wearing a purple dress. On top of the girls head were scribbles of yellow crayon hanging to her shoulders, representing hair; on top of her head were blue scribbles in the form of a large blue bow. The girls arms were raised to her sides, one of which was cut off by the tear. Overtop of the girls head, the letters "V E R" were written in black crayon, as if done by a child.

"Ho ho," laughed Rolf as he laid eyes on the drawing, "The scribbles of a child resemble Bridget's scratches in Rolf's yard."

As soon of Rolf completed his sentence, Lindsay's suddenly whipped her head towards Rolf, her relative calm demeanor suddenly replaced with one of distress. She moved towards Rolf at a rapid pace.

"Don't touch that!" yelled Lindsay at the top of her lungs as she snatched the piece of paper from Rolf's hands. She quickly placed it within her pile of head shots after which she shoved them back inside her bag. After she ensured her handbag was zipped, she pointed her finger into Rolf's face.

"Now you listen to me!" said Lindsay in a loud cackling voice, "I don't want to go out with you, I don't want to flirt with you, and, as a matter of fact, I don't even want to look at you. And so help me, if you ever lay a finger on any of my personal belongings ever again, you are going to wish your family stayed in whatever the hell wierdo country you came from!"

Lindsay, in a frustrated manner, placed her handbag on her shoulder. She then proceeded to reach down and lift the bust off of the floor.

"And here, take this disgusting thing and get it and YOU as far away from me as humanly possible!" yelled Lindsay.

At that instant, Lindsay took the bust in both of her hands and smashed it over Rolf's head, effectively turning it into a mask of sorts. She then stormed away, disappearing around the corner within seconds.

Rolf attempted to remove the bust from his head using both of his hands, but in the process lost his balance. This compounded with his vision being impaired caused him to fall into one of the food courts trashcans, spilling trash all over himself as well as a large portion of the floor.

Naturally, many of the other teenagers who witnessed the events were laughing at Rolf's struggles. Back at the Ed's table, Eddy was pointing and laughing while holding his gut, as Ed simply stared with his usual absentminded smile. Double Dee remained fixated on Rolf with a neutral expression, unamused at Eddy's antics while simultaneously pondering the situation.