Chapter 24
A half hour had passed since Rolf's failed attempt to court Lindsay. Kevin had rejoined his friends in the food court, and after another round of nachos, the group decided to frequent a few stores, allowing Kevin the opportunity to procure Christmas present for Nazz.
It did not take long for Kevin to decide on a gift for his girlfriend. A few weeks ago, Nazz had discovered an intense interest in yoga, as a way to supplement her aerobic workouts. While her bedroom carpet was a suitable surface for laying and performing the poses, it was no substitute for an actual yoga mat. Accordingly, Kevin had acquired a mat, in Nazz's favorite colors of green and gold, to present to her on Christmas Eve.
In addition, the time spent shopping for Nazz's Christmas present had allowed him to clear his head from the negative thoughts regarding his lost bike. The snark, cynical attitude typical of the red haired boy had returned, at least for the night, allowing him to finally enjoy a long overdue time with his best friends.
The five boys were currently standing on the balcony overlooking the main concourse of the mall. In the center of the area stood a large Christmas tree, very similar to the one placed in the middle of the Rethink Avenue Cul-de-Sac. The tree was decorated with golden tinsel, multicolored lights and other ornaments. Directly in front of the tree was a large portable stage, on which sat a miniature mock-up of Santa's workshop, decorated with it's own Christmas lights. A large banner, reading "Merry Christmas" hung over it's door.
Most importantly, a large, ornate chair was placed in the middle of the stage. Within this chair sat jolly old Saint Nicholas, or, to be specific, a mall employee being payed to impersonate Santa Claus. Santa Claus was flanked by two "Elves", dressed in green tunics with red pointy hats. In front of Santa was a line of children, each awaiting their turn to sit on his lap to request their Christmas wish. In addition, the children had an opportunity to have a photograph taken with the Jolly Old Man. As the children departed the stage, the elves each provided them a small complimentary "stocking stuffer" gift.
Ed, Edd, Eddy, Kevin and Rolf were currently all leaning on the second floor balcony railing overlooking the main concourse, observing the events occurring around eighteen feet below. Ed and Double Dee were beaming with joy as they watched each child leave Santa's lap with a smile. Eddy clutched a fountain soda in his hand, periodically taking a sips through the bendy straw as he stood next to Kevin.
While under ordinary circumstances, rejection from the object of ones affections would crush an individual's emotional spirits, Rolf appeared relatively stable, albeit deep in thought. He remained emotionless as he placed his cheeks on the palms of his hands, his elbows resting on the banister.
Double Dee turned towards Rolf with an expression of concern as he took notice of his apparent melancholy demeanor. He placed his hand on Rolf's shoulder, and decided to attempt to cheer him up.
"Please excuse my intrusion into your personal matters Rolf," said Double Dee, "But I can't help but notice that you have been quite engrossed in thought since your meeting with Lindsay back in the food court. While I understand you are infatuated with Lindsay, for reasons that I cannot possibly comprehend, I am afraid that, as your friend, I must be completely honest with you. It appears that, based upon her negative reaction to your Holiday present as well as your attempts to engage her conversation, Lindsay does not wish to return your romantic feelings. As much as I loathe playing devils advocate, I recommend that you cease and desist from all attempts at courting Lindsay, as any further prodding may lead to terrible emotional turmoil for yourself."
Rolf stood erect and glanced towards Double Dee. Surprisingly, Rolf's neutral expression quickly turned to a jolly smile.
"Ho ho, it is you that is wrong this time head-full-of-brains Ed Boy," said Rolf, "For Rolf is not upset. The short Ed boy has informed Rolf that his Schmetlockin wishes to share in the cultures of Rolf's old country and indeed she has! In Rolf's old country, it is customary for the female to challenge the male and resist his advances during the initial courtship."
Rolf reached down and grabbed the now somewhat distorted toilet paper concoction off of the ground, displaying it in front of him as he delivered his next line.
"It seems Ed boy with the mouth as loud as the roosters crow has been practicing the wizardry." said Rolf with a smile, "As this token, was able to be used as the customary Furtsterken, or in your native tongue...how do you say?...'Courtship Mask'."
Double Dee stood confused at Rolf's statement.
"Courtship mask?" asked Double Dee.
"Please allow Rolf to explain," said Rolf, "In the old country, to display affections and the desire to engage in smittenry, the female places the Fursterken in her likeness over the males head. This signifies the ending of the resistance and the beginning of the typical happy-go-luckyings that is quite common in your country during courtship."
"Your culture never ceases to amaze me Rolf." said Double Dee in a quiet tone, with a hint of sarcasm.
"Thankfully, the stout Ed boy is no longer snake-in-the-grass-Ed-boy," said Rolf, "Or else I would be led to believe that he is pulling a hole in my knickers!"
Before Double Dee could retort, realizing the irony of Rolf's statement, Rolf continued with his joyous banter.
"Excuse me Ed boy," said Rolf, "Rolf must perform the dance of many joys, as the placing of the Fursterken signifies that Rolf's Schmetlockin will be as gentle as a lamb the next time Rolf sees her."
Double Dee watched as Rolf stepped away from the banister toward the middle of the walkway, and began performing something reminiscent of a step dance as he slapped his knees in rhythm. As he performed the maneuvers, he began humming what seemed to be a native folk song.
Double Dee sighed as he turned back towards the main concourse and leaned on the railing.
"Well," said Double Dee, "I tried my best, but it seems no matter how much logic or reason I attempt to bring to the cul-de-sac, I am destined to be inhibited from success. Whether it is Eddy's stubborn nature, or Rolf's cultural boundaries, there always seems to be an obstacle to achieving complete moral focus."
Double Dee paused for a moment, after which he decided to engage Ed in an unrelated conversation. However, upon turning to his right, he discovered that the area previously occupied by the oafish adolescent was now vacant. He gazed up and down the corridor attempting to locate Ed to no avail. After a few moments, he approached Eddy and Kevin who were both laughing uncontrollably at an unknown matter.
"Please excuse my interruption of your amusing conversation," said Double Dee, "But do either of you happen to know where Ed has run off to?"
Eddy and Kevin turned towards Double Dee, and pointed down towards the direction of the Santa Claus. Double Dee glanced over the railing and, sure enough, caught sight of his oafish friend.
It seemed that in a fit of excitement regarding the Christmas season, in addition to the presence of Santa Claus, Ed had made his way down into the main concourse undetected in an effort to meet with the fat man himself. However, as usual, Ed's excitement and general good intentions proved to be his worst enemy; he had inadvertently ignored a queue of around thirty children, and had made his way directly to the stage. Just as one of the elves was about to lift a child onto Santa's lap to have his picture taken, Ed suddenly jumped onto the stage and planted himself on Santa's lap. The sudden increase of unexpected weight startled Santa, and while he was surprised at the fact that an individual of Ed's age and stature was sitting on his lap, he nonetheless regained his composure and decided to play the part. He smiled, laughed with his characteristic Ho Ho, and asked Ed his name.
Ed smiled, after which he suddenly reached his arms out, proceeding to squeeze Santa in a bear hug.
"SANTA!" yelled Ed, "I am so glad to see you! It's me Ed! I'm the good little boy that left you gravy cakes and milk last year."
Ed pulled away, and before Santa could reply, Ed began reciting his Christmas wish list.
"Let's see," said Ed, "I want a new Paulbilt hat for my Dad, he's a trucker and drives a Paulbit you know. A new set of garden tools for my Mom cause she likes to take care of the yard. The new Polly PooPoo doll for my sister Sarah so the one she has can have a friend. Oh I'm working really hard selling trees to try to buy my girlfriend May an automatic pitching machine because she likes to play softball and is trying to practice hitting so she can make the school team, but I don't know if it will be enough so if you can please help me get it I would be soooo happy and..."
Ed continued on his seemingly endless list, selflessly requesting Christmas gifts for his two best friends, as well as the rest of the Rethink avenue cul-de-sac. As Ed delivered his Christmas list to Santa, Eddy, Kevin and Double Dee continued to observe from the balcony above, with Kevin and Eddy laughing as Double Dee observed with confusion.
"Go Lumpy Go!" yelled Eddy as he raised his fist, after which he laughed.
"While I admire Ed's enthusiasm for the holiday season and understand his eagerness to meet Santa Claus," said Double Dee, "Excitement is no excuse for poor manners and does not warrant not waiting ones turn."
"Geez," said Kevin, "My man's talking that Santa's ear off, how much stuff can one guy ask for?"
"Trust me," said Eddy, "The only way they're getting Lumpy away from Santa is if security pries him off!"
The two boys laughed, after which Kevin adopted a sly grin.
"Yo Dorkie," said Kevin, "I dare you to go sit on Santa's lap, and get a picture with him."
"I'll do you one better," said Eddy with a smile as he glanced down the corridor. Directly above the Christmas tree a large chandelier hung from the ceiling. Attached the post of the chandelier were four long strands of pine garland. Each strand branched off in it's own direction, hanging over the grand concourse with a decent amount of slack, and terminated at anchor points on the balcony railings.
One of the strands of garland happened to terminate around ten feet away from the boys current position. Eddy analyzed the position of the particular strand of garland for a few seconds, after which he turned toward Kevin with a sly grin.
"Ten bucks says I'll use that garland to swing down from the balcony, and land on Santa's lap just as Ed's picture is being taken." said Eddy as he performed a hitchhikers thumb towards the attachment point.
Kevin laughed.
"Alright dork you win." said Kevin, "Ten bucks is worth seeing this."
"Now wait just a minute!" said Double Dee in a rather alarmed tone of voice, "I absolutely cannot stand by idly and allow you to proceed with this course of action. Not only is this little wager of yours extremely dangerous, as the tensile strength of that strand of garland is nowhere near adequate for the support of your body weight, but it is also morally objectionable. Take a look at all of those children standing down there awaiting their turn with Santa, their holiday spirits high and filled with cheer. I would absolutely despise to witness their time with Santa delayed due to a childish prank carried out by immature teenagers."
"Relax Sockhead," said Eddy, "You're the one who was telling me to lighten up at the girls house the other day and 'accept a friendly Yuletide joke'"
"Yeah Double Dork, lighten up!" said Kevin as he removed his camera phone from his pocket, intent on recording Eddy's stunt, "Don't be a buzzkill, I came here to have some fun."
Double Dee placed both of his hands in from of him, as if to indicate his intent to stand down from arguing with the boys.
"Fair enough," said Double Dee, "I will say no more. When you are finished with this ridiculous charade, please meet me in the Trademark, where I will be procuring Christmas cards. I simply cannot bear to watch this."
Double Dee turned and began walking in the direction of the Trademark store, leaving Eddy and Kevin to their own devices. As soon as Double Dee was out of sight, Eddy began untying the garland strand from the railing in preparation for his big stunt.
Meanwhile, down in the main concourse, Ed had finally finished his Christmas list wish, leaving the Santa impersonator surprised at the sheer volume of requests from the lovable oaf. Despite the large volume of requests, only a handful were for himself; it seemed Ed's greatest Christmas wish was to ensure all of his loved ones were happy. The Santa impersonator had taken notice of this fact, and congratulated Ed on his selflessness accordingly as one of the elves began to position the camera to take Ed's picture.
Back up on the overhead walkway, Eddy had finished untying the garland strand from the railing and was holding it in his right hand. In addition, he had removed his sweater, folded it up, and tied it across his chest to resemble a Tarzan outfit. Both boys were observing the events occurring below.
"This has to be timed perfectly." said Eddy quietly.
Eddy watched as the elf set up the camera tripod, and grabbed a hold of the shutter release cable. As the elf prepared the camera, Ed prepared himself for the photograph with an over-exaggerated smile. At the same time, Eddy grabbed a hold of the garland, and climbed on top of the railing.
"Alright Shovelchin," said Eddy, "All set with the video?"
"Copy that Dorky, go for it!" said Kevin as he started recording with his cell phone.
At that moment, Eddy jumped off of the railing, and using the garland as a makeshift vine of sorts, began swinging down towards the stage while emitting a long, drawn out wail similar to that of "George of the Jungle".
Unfortunately for Eddy, the speed at which he was traveling was greater than he had anticipated, and by the time he realized his mistake, he had also realized that it would be impossible for him to stick the landing on top of Santa's lap. To make matters worse, as Eddy reached the bottom of his swing, his weight caused the garland to tear, just as Double Dee predicted, leaving Eddy airborne and out of control. Within half a second, Eddy went from standing safe and sound on the malls upper walkway to a direct collision course with Ed and the Santa impersonator.
Eddy's plan was not without complete failure, as the inevitable collision occurred at the exact moment the elf had pressed the button to activate the shutter. The resulting photograph showed Eddy, Ed and Santa, all with distressed expressions on their faces, frozen in time at the moment of the collision. The force of the impact had caused the chair Santa was sitting on to overturn, causing Ed and Santa to plummet to the floor. Eddy had come to rest around five feet from Ed and Santa, and had managed to crash into a portion of the display, damaging it slightly. These events, of course, left all of the children and parents waiting in line to see Santa in a state of disbelief.
A few seconds passed, after which Santa rose to his feet while rubbing his head, appearing slightly dazed. Unfortunately for the Santa impersonator, his phony white beard had been unintentionally torn off by Eddy during the course of the collision, and was currently laying on the ground next to the stout adolescent. This resulted in many of the parents shielding their children's eyes, and promptly removing them from the area in order to avoid spoiling their belief in Santa Claus.
Eddy, who was currently laying on his back, removed a piece of wooden debris that had landed on top of his face. When he opened his eyes, he was greeted by two stern faced mall security guards standing over top of him, as well as the angry yet beardless Santa impersonator.
"Ah shit..." said Eddy softly as one of the security guards flicked his finger repeatedly upward, signaling the boy to come with him.
