A/N This is a very serious tale about darkness and despair. It contains many mature themes! Not for children! No child would be able to handle this story's pure EDGE (even though it's almost certainly being written by one). Don't say I didn't warn you!

Before we begin this story we need to set the scene. When Pettigrew escaped from Harry in year 3 it left a huge mark on his character, allowing this AU is able to take place.

When Harry came back to Privet Drive after his third year the first thing he did was get a trendy haircut. Why? Because, this Harry needs to be EDGY and we can't have his bad hair get in the way of our awesome and OP protagonist. With that in mind, Harry went into the local barber shop and gave the female attendant some of Dudley's money that he had found tucked between his cousins porn magazines.

"How are you doing gorgeous?" Harry asked the receptionist as she sat him down. At the end of his third year Harry had started noticing girls more. He also realised he had a very big dick, it was much bigger than the midget dick Ron always complained about being cursed with. This might seem out of place for the third paragraph of a story but we need to foreshadow all the harem tropes somehow and this seems like the best way.

The receptionist giggled as she left Harry to grab the barber. When the elderly man came through he sighed dramatically and grabbed his scissors.

"I hope you can afford this boy." He muttered as he went to work.

After getting his super EDGY haircut Harry decided to go to Gringotts. Why? Because, as a 13 year old Harry suddenly decided to take a responsible look at all of his finances. We all know that any 13 year old would do the same in Harry's situation, not one would be indifferent considering they know they have enough to buy everything they could ever need — and spend most of their year with no real financial obligations.

When arriving at the bank Harry approached an empty desk and the Goblin observed him menacingly. Harry bowed to the Goblin and greeted the creature.

"Greetings Relentlessbloodykillerruthlessirontooth. May your vaults overflow and drown your enemies in gold." Harry said, bowing deeply. Somehow, despite knowing nothing about the Wizarding world, Harry knew how to greet a Goblin in a traditional way. The Goblin's eyes widened and he returned the greeting.

"Harry Potter. Now that you've showed me basic human decency, my people will act as a Deus Ex Machina for all the early tropes we have to get through." The Goblin stated. "Even though everything about our canon descriptions have made us out to be backstabbing pieces of shit, all you need to get us on side are some fancy words. Why no one did this before is beyond the scope of this story."

After that ever so helpful bit of exposition, the Goblin led Harry to another room further in the bank where Harry was greeted by another Goblin. After exchanging their greetings the Goblin spoke properly to Harry.

"Greetings Hadrian Potter. I am your account manager, Deathlydeadlyclawfang. Now we could exchange pleasant conversation for a few sentences, but I'd rather we just got straight onto the exposition dump. Is that alright with you Lord Potter?" Deathlydeadlyclawfang asked respectfully. Harry nodded his assent.

"Very well. First of all let me establish that you're called Hadrian." The Goblin said.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because, you need an EDGY name and Harry makes you sound like a pathetic little boy. Never mind the fact that you actually are a pathetic little boy." The Goblin said, with a glittering smile.

"I guess that makes sense." Hadrian said, running his hands through his EDGY hair.

"Now Hadrian. First of all, your assets. You are rich. You are in fact, stinking rich. You are the second richest person in England." Deathlydeadlyclawfang said.

"Why the second richest?" Hadrian asked.

"Well you see, Dumbledore has been letting everyone steal from your vaults, he's been using your money to pay the Weasleys to deceive you." Hadrian's eyes widened. "We can use the fact that you're only the second richest to stave off annoying reviewers who think you're a Mary Sue." Deathlydeadlyclawfang added but Hadrian was far to focused on the initial statement.

"I could never have seen this betrayal coming!" He shouted.

"Of course you couldn't have. It has no basis in any character's personality we've seen in canon whatsoever. Anyway, we can't trust Dumbledore so we're going to use the Goblin Ex Machina on you." Deathlydeadlyclawfang stated. "Unless, you don't want us to?" He asked.

"No please go on. The fact that everyone who has ever known me has betrayed me should give me trust issues, but despite that I'm going to trust you, a random stranger who for all I know could be working for Dumbledore." Hadrian laid out.

"Excellent choice Hadrian. You there!" He bellowed. "Bring out, the Goblin Ex Machina!" Deathlydeadlyclawfang shouted.

(Cue dramatic music)

"Good day to you Hadrian Potter. I'm Bloodswordaxeknifedaggerguy." The Goblin standing next to the Goblin Ex Machina said. "I shall now use the Goblin Ex Machina on you!" Bloodswordaxeknifedaggerguy declared. A bright flash of light enveloped Hadrian and some notes were appearing on an enchanted parchment.

"Well? What does the Goblin Ex Machina say?" Hadrian asked sharply. Bloodswordaxeknifedaggerguy sighed and exchanged a meaningful look with Deathlydeadlyclawfang.

"It appears your magical core has been bound by and outside force, probably Dumbledore. You also had a piece of the dark lords soul in your head, but we've already removed that. Dumbledore probably wanted to keep it in your head to manipulate you to be less EDGY." Bloodswordaxeknifedaggerguy said, his lip curling in disgust. Hadrian nodded along solemnly, apparently already accepting that Dumbledore was evil in every shape and form. "It also seems that you have many more lordships than originally assumed."

"Lordships?" Hadrian asked.

"You mean to say that that manipulative old man hasn't told you about lordships and politics? WHEN YOU'RE AT THE VERY MATURE AND POLITICALLY GIFTED AGE OF 13?! Disgraceful." Deathlydeadlyclawfang bellowed. "Here's a book that explains all you need to know." Deathlydeadlyclawfang said, dropping a massive dusty tome into Hadrian's hands.

"Come on! Reading isn't EDGY!" Hadrian pouted. "Is there any other way for me to learn all this instantly?" He asked.

"Well Hadrian, we do have a potion." Bloodswordaxeknifedaggerguy said. "It will give you all the necessary information." The Goblin snapped his fingers and a vial appeared in his hands.

"I'll take the potion." Hadrian demanded, seizing a vial and knocking back the clear blue liquid inside.

"Now onto your lordships Hadrian." Bloodswordaxeknifedaggerguy said. "According to the Goblin Ex Machina you are, ahem, Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter. This makes you the richest man in magical Britain and also gives you access to a wide array of absurdly overpowered items that you'll never use."

"Can you handle my investments?" Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter asked.

"Of course Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter." Deathlydeadlyclawfang said. "You've made a wise choice trusting me; I will kill any goblin who dares to try and take my place with my bare hands!" He spat.

"Now, let's move onto your magical core Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter. It seems Dumbledore has limited it greatly. Using the Goblin Ex Machina I can undo all the bondage done to it." Bloodyswordaxeknifedaggerguy said.

"Do it." Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter instructed.

"Very well Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter." A flash of bright light once again enveloped Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter and what sounded like chains breaking echoed throughout the chamber. Suddenly, Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter felt a massive surge of power run through his body.

"Wow. I'm so much more powerful thanks to the Goblin Ex Machina." Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter exclaimed.

"You are not more powerful than before Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell, you are simply experiencing your true power for the first time. You should have had this strength from birth and if it weren't for that bastard Dumbledork's manipulations you would have had it." Bloodyswordaxeknifedaggerguy snarled.

"Dumbledork?" Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter asked.

"We Goblins like to mock Dumbledork by making genius puns on his name. This absolutely won't annoy anyone as the story progresses. Now with that out of the way I can continue expositioning your powers for you." Bloodyswordaxeknifedaggerguy said. "With your magical core at such a massive size you won't have any reason to train, all you will need to do is learn new magic." Bloodyswordazeknifedaggerguy explained.

"Training is for loser protagonists like Ron!" Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter shouted. "I've got way to much on my bucket list to waste my time with a stupid thing like training. Thanks for the help Goblins!" Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter shouted before apparating out.

"How did he apparate out of here?" Bloodyswordaxeknifedaggerguy asked.

"We've already created so many plot holes that I'm sure one more will go unnoticed. Now let's hit the scene transfer!" Deathlydeadlyclawfang declared.

Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter cracked back into his room in the Dursleys house. On his bed he found a letter from a nearly extinct exotic bird. Knowing it to be from Sirius, Harry opened it up and looked inside.

Hey Prongslet.

It's Sirius here to tell you that I'm an absolute rogue and I just want to say that I'll be here to give advice on anything to do with relationships. This might seem out of nowhere but we need to plant more foreshadowing for harem tropes and I promise you that if there's a sexual fantasy you have, I'll have already done it and I'll encourage you to follow in my footsteps.

Hey Cub. It's Remus here to act as the 'responsible' guardian figure, even though I show exactly zero traits of any responsible guardian. Look after yourself.

Remus and Sirius.

P.S We are definitely not fucking (yet).

Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter smiled softly after reading the letter from his wonderful 'parent' figures, even though being super EDGY negated the need for them. Unfortunately, they were still caught in Dumbbores web of manipulations. Therefore, he'd have to slowly untangle them to show them the truth. It wouldn't be easy (that is a total lie by the way) but Lord Hadrian Black Slytherin Gryffindor Gaunt Peverell Potter knew that he would triumph.

A/N For future reference authors notes in italics are from the worst indie harry writer ever (who definitely isn't chained up in my basement) and ones in bold are from me. A huge thank you to Athena Hope for editing this (she's carrying me on her back). I hope you enjoyed and have a great day!