AN: Apologies on the delay, I had to switch gears in January to complete my Church of Lemons (2021) pledges: Best Friends (Ch 2); and The Red Knight (a Moment in Time). Unedited versions of these can be found on my Ao3 page (username: the_black_rose).

We're also writing daily flash fiction prompts this month (March Madness); I'm collecting mine in the story titled Inevitable. So far, all are AU to the series. Several of them are scenes from fic universes in which I'm writing or planning: "When You Never See the Light", "In the Dead of the Night", "There's Still Time". In case anyone is interested. :)

Thanks so much to those who will read it! And thanks for all the kind reviews you have left. It's very much appreciated. ^_^

Love,

~Rose

Warning: Making out ensues. Consistent with an M rating.

Warning: A couple of (mild?) PTSD flashback references.


Losing my Breath

Chapter 7

"Connection." Was there a time when it wasn't so difficult?

Not long after negotiating the terms of their relationship, Relena's friend Hilde invited the couple to join her and her new boyfriend for drinks. And a few rounds of pool.

Heero inwardly groaned at the invite, but tried to appear enthusiastic - or, at least like he hadn't just been quarter-decked*.

The restaurant and bar reminded Heero of a city's version of a honky tonk. Swirling carpet patterns attempted to disguise years of spilled food and beer - by the smell of the place. A sour blend of air freshener, antiseptic, and fried food hung in the air.

It wasn't the type of place Heero would take a princess, but she appeared happy enough to be there.

'I'll pass on the food.' Heero eyed the list of beers on tap. He couldn't help scouting the environment out of the corner of his eye.

Three guys in leather biker jackets hovered over a pool table on the far left. No name on the back; not gang members.

Five preppy kids played pool two tables over from the bikers. One smacked a waitress on the ass as she walked by. Another made a lewd gesture when she flipped them off.

The remaining game tables appeared unused. In the restaurant section, six groups of ordinary-looking people sat in restaurant booths - like Heero and his friends. No one stood out from the crowd.

Heero counted four waitresses working the restaurant floor and two covering the pool tables. Their "uniforms" looked less than uniform, but consisted of varying degrees of low-cut t-shirts and tight shorts. This explained why Duo liked the place. But not why he'd take his girlfriend.

"So, how'd you get him to come out of his fox hole?" Duo pointed the tip of his beer bottle in Heero's direction. He grinned.

"Duo." Hilde's voice sounded like a warning. The dark-haired girl jabbed an elbow into her boyfriend's rib cage. She mouthed: "sorry, Relena," across the table.

"It took quite a lot." Relena gave Heero a sidelong glance - a smile playing on her lips. His entire body reacted to that look.

"I bet."

"It didn't. I just asked him." She met his gaze; her hand found his under the table.

"He never says yes when I ask him!" Duo threw his hands in the air and shook his head.

"She's better looking."

Duo laughed. "Not gonna argue that." He raised his bottle in a small salute.

Heero relaxed into the cushion of the booth. Their table sat along the front wall of the restaurant. A large, picture frame window over his left shoulder looked out into the parking lot. At this time of day, the glass made for a better mirror than a window.

Their waitress brought his local brew IPA in a pint glass, and Relena's lager in a dark brown bottle. Heero grabbed his beer with his left hand and took a sip.

"Did he ever tell you what a daredevil he was in the Corps?"

Hilde leaned over and muttered something Heero didn't catch - near Duo's ear. It didn't matter, the gregarious oaf would do as he pleased. And what pleased his 'friend' most, involved trying to get under Heero's skin.

Like the annoying little brother he'd never wanted.

"Daredevil? I mean. I guess that's not too surprising, but you don't strike me as an adrenaline junkie, dear."

"I'm not."

"First out of the plane every time."

Hilde's head whipped around to stare at him. "Paratrooper?"

Heero took another sip of his pint and looked away. "Sometimes."

"We all were. Had to be." Duo placed an arm around his girlfriend's shoulder. "But this guy." A sly smile. "Did you tell her about the time your main chute didn't deploy?"

"No, Maxwell." Every muscle in his neck and shoulders hardened. He pulled his hand from Relena's grasp. "And I don't-"

"You're supposed to slow your ass down." Duo talked with his hands and his beer bottle. "Become as horizontal as you can - so you have time to deploy your reserve chute." Dark brown eyebrows drew into a frown above a wide grin. "But. Not this guy."

"What'd he do?" Hilde gasped. She stared at Heero like he was a fish in an aquarium.

"He beelines for the ground. Just takes some hard left turn at Albuquerque or some shit, and opens his reserve chute inches before hitting sixteen hundred feet. The whole squad figured we were just gonna find his carcass."

...

Wind whipped through him. Cold air thrashed at his goggles, his fatigues, his pack; it ripped down his back.

...

"But, aside from a broken leg, dude was fine. Grumpier than shit, but. Too stubborn to die. Even finished the mission. If you can believe that."

Heero ignored the looks he could see in the reflection of the window. He took a deep breath and told his body to relax. 'It's just a story. It's in the past. Don't picture it. Don't remember.'

...

He fought a dark terror that made his whole body burn. No time. No time to panic. No time to feel.

Focus.

Focus or you're gonna fuckin' die!

...

Relena's hand on his elbow. "Heero?"

He drew in a ragged breath. "I was repositioning."

"I. I'm just glad you're here." She leaned over to give him a kiss; he turned so that it landed on his cheek. She frowned.

"I needed a softer landing with the reserve chute, or, possibly, no chute." He tucked his hands under his thighs. "There was a marshy area three clicks North of our intended target."

"Don't let him fool you, princess. He's as hard core as they come."

"All right, well, I think you've told on him enough." Hilde's voice. The groan and squeal of movement across vinyl seats. "Let's go see if that old junker of a jukebox over there, works, lover boy."

Heero stared out the window and worked on finding his breath.

"Sounds good! I want to buy that thing. It looks awesome!" Duo's loud voice grated on Heero's eardrums.

Then, a little bit softer as they walked away: "I was trying to help. The girls can't take their panties off fast enough after a story like that."

"Duoooo." Hilde hugged his arm and giggled.

"Heh. It worked with you."

Relena placed a hand on Heero's arm. He tried not to jump out of his skin.

"What's wrong?" She peered up at him.

He glanced at her out of the side of his eye. "Nothing."

"Or maybe I should ask you how many girls have taken their panties off for you after that story."

Deep breath. Hold. Exhale. He shivered. When had the air turned so cold? "Not many."

"So, there have been some?" She fiddled with her napkin on top of the table. Bending one corner, then turning it to bend another.

"What do you want to know? The number of girlfriends? Whom I've slept with? Or, something else?"

"I just. I want to know more about you."

"Isn't it enough to know who I am, now?"

"It's a way that people connect, Heero. Sharing past experiences. I know you were shut away in the Marines for some time, but certainly, you haven't forgotten that?"

"And what past experiences could you and I have in common?"'

"A first date? A first love." She shrugged. "Graduation. A school dance?"

Heero pressed his eyes closed and willed his hands to stop shaking.

"Overbearing parents? Difficult siblings. Sports?" Relena grabbed his chin. His eyes snapped open.

"There have been a number of studies that demonstrate - what humans strive for, our needs - are remarkably similar across cultures and other boundaries. I don't see you and I as so different."

"You always have," Heero sighed, "so many words. I don't." He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead.

"Hm. We have ways of making you talk." Relena snuggled into his embrace. She warmed him.

"Does it involve removing your panties?"

"Ha ha. How about they won't come off until you talk."

"I've withstood greater tortures."

Loud, galloping punk rock music erupted from the overhead speakers. Heero glanced up. "They got the jukebox to work."

...

"Until then, better off dead!

"A smile on the lips, and a hole in the head!"**

...

"Good! I'll go check it out." She disentangled herself, gave him a quick kiss and hopped to her feet. Her warmth receded.

"Relena."

She spun back around. Eyes bright, she met his gaze and smiled. "Yes?"

"He'll tell you more stories about me. I wonder if that still counts as shared experiences." He met her gaze over the tilt of his pint glass.

She pursed her lips together and lifted an eyebrow.

"Let me know."


Relena moved towards the pool table Duo and Hilde rented. The punk song that his friend always looked for on a jukebox - no one knew why - finished playing.

He watched the trio of friends from across the restaurant. He knew they wouldn't necessarily talk about him….

But, the beer started to taste warm. Duo and Relena broke away - to hover near the jukebox. The table of preppy guys encroached on Hilde.

'Time to move.'

Heero stood from the table and crossed the dining area to the game room. He took up a position at the end of the pool table, and shot his worst glare at the guys hitting on Hilde. Three of them wandered back to their game.

Heero crossed his arms and sat back against the felt table. Since Duo and Relena stood, three-quarter turned his direction, Heero had a decent view of their faces. And happened to be an excellent lip reader.

"...difficult one to get to know."

"It's been a process. Every other guy I've met, who was interested, managed to ask me out within the first couple of weeks of our acquaintance." She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Heero took? Hm, three months? Of being casual workout buddies," she raised a finger and shot Duo a look, "not in that sense. And me being so incredibly obvious."

The former Marine with the long braid shook his head and took a sip of his beer.

"I cooked him dinner in his apartment on a Friday night. Still, nothing."

Heero smiled. 'Not nothing. I got the hint.'

"He's cautious. And has reasons for everything he does." Duo's beer hovered over his lips, and Heero missed some of what he said.

"...analysis has, at times, bordered on obsession. He's damned good at anything he wants to be good at."

"I can see that."

'Don't say: except for relationships, or I will beat you."

"And the kind of sonofabitch who'd lay his life down for ya. For all the wrong reasons. A damned good brother - in the Marine sense."

Her mouth curved up, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I can see that, too."

"No, you don't get it." Duo put his beer down on top of the juke box as he leaned into her personal space.

"Great Marine, lousy friend. A real shit."

'This is his idea of good behavior.' Heero stood and started his approach.

Relena shook her head. "You care more…" she turned away.

"You're going to have to be tenacious."

"Like you?"

"Damned right."

Heero paused - within earshot, now.

"He's got a kindness." Relena spoke to the jukebox; her fingers splayed over the plexiglass dome. Her tone sounded soft. Wistful.

Heero moved behind Duo.

"Even when he griped at me to be cautious about people….I could tell. He meant. He meant to care for me." She shook her head and tossed her hair over one shoulder as she glanced up. "I won't pretend he's an easy one to deal with all the time. But. Something in me feels like...He's worth it."

Air squeezed from his lungs, and his head felt light.

"Glad somebody thinks so."

Heero grabbed Duo's shoulder; he drilled his fingers into the trapezius muscle at the base of his friend's neck. "You should've been able to tell I was standing here."

"Ow! Shit! That fuckin' hurts, jackass." Duo whirled around.

"Good. Hilde's been alone for five minutes and already has other guys hitting on her. You'd better go."

"Oh, this'll be fun." Duo made a fist and cracked his knuckles.

"Don't stir up trouble, dick." Heero called out after him. "I won't back you up this time."

"Yeah, right. That's what you said last time, too." He bounded off in the direction of the pool tables.

"I meant it then!" He grumbled at Relena. "This is why I say 'no', when he asks."

"Stealth and blending in. You're still a stalker."

"Find out what you needed to know?"

"I already knew everything I needed to. Did you discover something interesting?" She tilted her head and looked up at him. Aquamarine eyes glittered in the dim lighting.

"Nothing I didn't already know."

"I'd need the skills of a super spy to surprise you, wouldn't I?" She leaned closer; he liked the way she fit against him.

"Hn."

"Anything else?"

Heero shrugged. "I thought this was about shared life experiences, not my many flaws."

She moved to face him. "Have you," Relena trailed her fingers from his elbows to grasp his hands, "let yourself experience, life? I get the feeling that you watch, wait, even calculate. But the times you're 'in the moment' are few and far between…" His girlfriend appeared to study him.

"How about we play the game with our friends?"

"Now who's avoiding?"

He brought his hand up to her cheek. "I was answering the question, Relena." He wrapped his arm around her waist. Her citrusy cinnamon scent drifted up and caught his attention.

'I don't always have the words. But, you're worth it, to me, too.'

"Then," she murmured. Her palms came to rest on his chest. "What you're saying is. I may or may not be correct, but," she met his gaze. A tender smile. Her soothing warmth.

"Right now, you want to," her breath hitched. "Be here. With me and our friends?" Relena's eyes drifted closed.

Heero covered her mouth with his.


Later that evening:

Heero walked her to her door; her hand tucked between his elbow and ribcage. A comfortable quiet had settled between them during the drive back to their apartment building. Comfortable, except for wanting to touch her. In that perfect, bare space between the top of her knee and the bottom of her skirt.

She looked up at him, her back to her apartment door. "Come in? And talk?" Relena's eyelashes formed a seductive-looking fringe around her eyes.

He leaned close. "Just talk?"

"Just talk." She gave him a sidelong glance with a half smile. Her complexion flushed and her eyes sparkled.

"Sure." He stifled the groan that wouldn't earn him any Prince Charming points. 'How long will she make me wait?'

She closed the door and started towards the kitchen. "Coffee?"

"No thanks. Water's fine." He sat down. Relena placed a water bottle on the coffee table and sat next to him. She settled her head on his shoulder.

"You seemed a little distant. Tonight? Your friend's story bothered you."

The muscles in his neck stiffened. "Hn."

"You know, your past," she tilted her head to look up at him. "It's up to you. I'm here, and I care, but it doesn't change anything."

He nodded, and escaped by leaning forward to grab the bottle of water. "Why the picture?" He sipped the water.

"The painting? It's Mother Denmark. A reproduction, of course."

"A nod to your heritage."

"My brother," she said with a sigh. "Well, half-brother. Did you…."

'Don't ask.'

She soothed her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. "You don't talk about your family."

He pressed his eyes closed and focused on her ministrations. Tiny shivers coursed through the muscles of his back. "Don't have one. Just the Corps."

Her fingers paused. "Heero?" She pulled on his chin.

"Don't."

Relena kissed him, then. Her mouth, at first, sweetness and syrup. She drew him in. The tension seeped from his muscles, and oozed from his pores. He broke away, took a breath, and renewed the fervor of their kiss. Hungry, she devoured his lips. He slipped his tongue into her mouth.

That heated haze began to unfurl - growing, longing. It nudged his heart rate up to a sprint. Heero wrapped an arm around Relena's waist, and pulled her into his lap. Her heated gaze held his. Gentle fingers stroked the side of his face.

She smiled. Tenderness lit her eyes. Part of him wanted to live, in that look, to have her always look at him that way. But the unfurling heat; it wanted to bite and suck it off her features - until she could only stare at him with pulsing, raging desire. His stomach flipped over; he maneuvered her down onto the couch.

He kissed her again, deep and slow - feeling the warmth of her arms around him. The sweet agony of her, pliant and affected beneath him.

Heero broke the kiss. "You just wanted to talk."

"You're complaining?"

"No." He leaned down, into her - kissing her neck; licking and sucking available flesh. A soft moan escaped her lips. Heero ran his hand over her stomach to her ribcage. His thumb stroked the curve of her breast.

"Just. Be honest," he breathed against her cheek. "I won't go too far." Heero brushed his fingers over the peak of her chest. He found the nipple and rubbed circles into the light fabric of her bra. It tightened into a pebble; he wanted to find it with his teeth.

"I'm not—" She took a seething breath. Heero stilled.

"Not yet. I'm. I'm sorry."

"It's alright." He bit a harsh kiss into her neck and sat up. "I'll get those panties off you someday."

"Heero!" She bolted upright, adjusting her bra beneath her sweater. She appeared a bit dazed. Her hair mussed; lipstick smeared. Relena ran a finger over the side of her mouth.

He wanted to lick the rest of her makeup off.

"I should go." He stood, and covertly adjusted that aching part of his anatomy.

"Hmmmmm?"

He glanced back at her. He felt rough and raw, and his body hurt. She glowed.

"I guess you should. But, I had a nice time. With you." Her gaze locked with his. Blue-green eyes glittered.

"Thanks for the talk."

"Ha ha." She rose from the couch and leaned into him. "Maybe if you talked a bit more, I wouldn't have to resort to such tactics."

"I'll never say another word."

She raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like a challenge."

"It is." He pulled her into a loose embrace.

Relena rolled her eyes before settling her head on his chest.

"But, you should know. I've been through SERE training."

"SERE?"

"Survival, Evasion, Resistance - to interrogation - and Escape."

She stepped back, out of the circle of his arms. "I have no doubt," her tone sobered. "You could evade, resist, or escape, if you chose. And, you'd survive just fine."

Heero straightened his shoulders. 'What is she saying?'

"But, I wonder if survival is enough."

An invisible hand grabbed him around his ribcage and squeezed. Hard. He turned away. Opened the door.

"Heero?" Her voice caught him around the throat. He tried to swallow and couldn't.

Heero leaned his forehead against the edge of the door. Could he leave and not answer? Would she accept that?

Something within him said she wouldn't. That walking away meant he ceased trying. And once he stopped - whether she stayed a day, a month, or a year longer, it didn't matter. The end result would be the same.

He gripped the doorknob, stood his ground and gave it everything he had. "It's not. Anymore."

Heero ducked his head, and stepped into the hall. He shut the door behind him.


*In the Marine Corps and Coast Guard basic training, the quarter-deck is a special place in the barracks where you're sent to do an amazing amount of physical exercises, all under the direct supervision and encouragement of a drill instructor.

** **Lyrics from the Bad Religion song: Better off Dead