Chapter 12

"Regret."

Heero stood on the condo balcony overlooking the ocean. Salted air swirled with a strong breeze; it lifted the hair from his forehead, and cooled the sweat along the back of his neck. The crash and splash of waves sounded so near, at first. But, the void….

He clutched the balcony rail as another spasm rolled through his spine.

"Mission, there's a child." Heero tried to keep his voice neutral, tried to keep his breathing in check. 'They'll call it off. There's too much risk.'

"Mission objective confirmed."

"There's a child," he repeated. 'Breathe. Natural point of aim. Refocus. Breathe.' His heart pounded. Breathing ragged. 'Scope shadow. Trigger control. BREATHE, GOD DAMMIT!'

"Confirm target."

His spotter hissed: "Take the shot!"

He hated that memory. If there was anything he could cut out of his brain and burn to ash, it would be that memory.

Water reflected the light of the full moon. Yellowy-white, the ocean foamed with a little girl's blood.

'I let myself get distracted. Stop. Don't think. Don't remember. I need to breathe. Nothing good happens…when I lose my breath.' He doubled over again. A mix of acidic heat and ice swirled and broke against his spine - like how waves slammed against the shore.

"It's not," he gasped, "getting better"' Some days, he could swear the whole thing had worsened. "Relena…."

She made him stronger and weaker at the same time.

'I need her.' Heero wasn't sure how or when it happened, but he fought the void every day to keep her near. Even still, when he was with her, the nightmares had a habit of coming to the surface.

Trying to escape.

Wind whipped through him. Cold air thrashed at his goggles, his fatigues, his pack; it ripped down his back. A dark terror seared through every nerve ending.

He could manage the visions, and the memories. But, the tremors bothered him.

And yet, nothing ate him from the inside out like the rage…

"If you're just going to sit there and ignore me," a red-faced version of Relena pushed against his shoulder. "I wonder why I bother!"

"What?" Heero glanced up at the sound of her heels clicking across the floor. She grabbed her purse from the counter.

"What's wrong?"

"I've been talking to you for ten minutes. I don't know where you go, Heero. But, you're clearly not here," she turned her head to glare over her shoulder, "with me."

The room tilted at an odd angle. She hadn't been talking to him, had she? He frowned and stood from his sofa. "I didn't realize you needed so much attention, your highness."

"You're such a jerk." She stormed out of his apartment.

Black fog rumbled in, tinged with red. He closed his eyes, tried to clear it all away. His heart raced, drumming an erratic beat. Heero sucked in air, held it, counted. He repeated the effort.

And again.

When his vision finally cleared…

His hand throbbed and ached; blood trickled down his leg. The remote control broken - black plastic cutting into his palm. The coffee table upended; the dish that had been resting on its surface shattered on the floor.

He hung his head.

. ..

'I have to find a way to beat this." He leaned over the rail. 'It's the past. All in the past….'

He took another deep, cleansing breath. Stared out at the night sky. Listened to the roar of the waves. He let it out.

'This only happens. I only can't control it, when I can't find my breath.'

Another intake of air. The fear quieted and slunk back into the night.

But, it took everything else with it.


"Unlovable" - a word that's just as it sounds.

They'd made plans that weekend: the plan for her move, a plan to tackle the holidays. The couple moved her day-to-day stuff over the following weekend, after their 'relaxing' beach vacation.

The naked version of his girlfriend uncoiled herself and stretched. Her sense of modesty around him settled in a much better place these days. Her smooth skin rippled; she rolled towards him and gave him a soft smile.

"We don't have to work out today." Her breasts wiggled as she reached for him. "Come back to bed."

He stared at her chest; his 'morning situation' remained upright. "Those two statements conflict."

"Oh?"

"If I 'come back to bed', I intend to work out."

"You! Ugh, terrible." She pulled the sheet over most of her body. One hip, and its long, tanned leg, flowed over the fabric.

Heerp stripped the cover from her grasp and settled beside her. Relena squeaked. Then she snuggled against him. He sighed. He knew she needed this, his closeness. But, a certain part of his anatomy wasn't satisfied–

"...again?"

Her voice cut into the haze. "Hm?"

Fingers, no longer tentative, slid over his clothed erection. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye.

She grinned. His heart flipped, then flopped. Heero moved, pinning her beneath him on the bed. He hovered over her as she wound her legs and arms around him. Then, he lowered his lips to hers.

"Yes, again."

His girlfriend kissed him - pulling him into her softness; holding him close. And, he entangled himself with her. Buried his erection inside her.

Until she caused him to lose his breath….

And finally let go.

The move took the entire weekend. They'd found room for a few pieces of Relena's furniture - anything she considered 'better' than what Heero possessed. Duo showed up to help move heavier stuff into storage.

It was a process. One that took longer than he'd have liked, but he gave her the space to do things in the way and order she needed. His girlfriend was just different than he was - light and beautiful, with easy smiles. She possessed genuine and warm expressions - like she could give her whole heart away with a look. A significant contrast to the ones Duo wore to hide his pain.

Or even the ones Heero saw in the mirror.

They were so busy moving and working, Thanksgiving snuck up on them without so much as a warning. Heero and Relena accepted a last minute invite from Duo and Hilde - to eat too much and watch football.

Heero promised Relena that they could decide on Christmas plans over the long weekend.

"Oh, um, sure. That sounds, nice." Her voice hesitated, she took a deep breath and swallowed.

"You ok?" He moved pieces of hair from her cheek.

A faint curve of her lips. "Ah, yeah, just tired from all the moving. But, it's finally done. I just have the cleaning appointment on Tuesday and I can turn in my keys." She pecked his lips.

"Yeah."

Her eyes glimmered. "Are you happy, Heero?"


At first, Heero thought it was the exhaustion from moving. Or, maybe, she was angry about missing Thanksgiving with her family. But, when she said she didn't even "feel up to" going home for Christmas, Heero started to wonder - what else was going on.

He heard the soft pad of her footsteps, and glanced up from his report. Relena stood at the end of the sofa; shoulders sagging, she rubbed a hand over her forehead. An electric hum shushed in the air whenever she was near.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Just," she eased onto the couch beside him. The faint scent of cinnamon and citrus wafted closer. He closed the cover on his tablet.

"Just been a little tired lately."

"I noticed." He studied her profile. "Couldn't rouse you to workout."

"Sorry." She met his gaze and stretched her lips, but it fell miles short of a smile. Relena rested her head on the plush couch cushion. She stared at the ceiling. "Maybe I'm coming down with something."

A hot pool of acid began to form in his stomach. He looked away, and focused on the corner of the coffee table. He traced the edge with his eyes. "Is that all it is?"

"I mean, I hope I'm not sick, but—"

"If you're angry," he took a deep breath; the pit in his stomach widened. "We should talk about it."

"I'm not?" she slipped her hand in his and leaned closer. "Heero, I'm not angry with you."

Another breath; air moved into his lungs this time. "So, there's nothing wrong?" Her cheeks pale, and her eyes hazy. "Between us?"

"I mean. I always think we could communicate better."

"What do you mean?"

"You really want to deny that?" She said with a sigh and stood up.

"No? But." He reached for her hand. Relena gave it to him and gasped as he pulled her into his lap. Bleary eyes met his; she gave him a soft kiss. "I hear that's a common issue?"

A slight nod. "It is."

"So."

"So?"

"What should we talk about?" He held her closer. Her warm breath pulsed in time with the blood coursing through his arteries. The feel of her curves; the way she fit against him.

"Hm?"

"What's next?"

She lifted her head. "Meaning?"

"Well, as you put it: moving in together is supposed to be a next step." He met her eyes. Wanted her to know and see - he was serious. "What's next? After this."

"This," she frowned, "isn't enough?"

"For now. But, it's not all I want, Relena."

Her face crumpled, and for a terrible moment, she looked like she might cry. "I told you, I'm not ready." She pulled from his embrace. Found her feet. Moved away.

"You said you weren't sure," Heero stood and followed her. "That was a year ago."

"I guess. It's just," one arm curled over her chest. "That hasn't changed."

"No. Now, you seem to know you're not ready."

"What do you want, Heero? For me to get out a crystal ball, and tell you when our relationship will change? When I will, or you will? People don't work like that."

"Why does it need to change? Not 'progress', but 'change'?"

"Because the way things are! I'm not." She pressed her lips together and looked away.

"You're not what?"

"I'm not convinced."

The air in the place froze to a certain stillness. A quiet. Like he was out in the open, and couldn't gauge the enemy's position - or angle of attack. Just that…he was exposed. "Convinced of what, Relena?"

"That you love me." Those blue-green eyes changed. Softened. Ached.

"That deep down you love me so deeply, and so much that…." Relena lowered her head.

"That what?"

"I don't know."

"I have tried. To understand, to accept things at your pace - not mine. I'd. I. Dammit, Relena, I'd lay down my life for you."

"But I don't want that, Heero. I don't want you to die for me. I just want—"

"You just want what?"

"I-I can't explain it. I just," she hugged her arms over her chest. "You don't. I don't know how to say what I mean, but there's still so much I don't know about you. That you won't tell me!"

He took a steadying breath. The hot liquid in the pit of his stomach continued to rise. "Like what?"

"Like, things."

"What. Things. What have I failed to explain. That you've asked–"

"You never say how you feel! About me, about anything! Your entire vocabulary lacks any emotional words."

Heero turned on his heel. His feet moved, carrying him away from the threat. 'Not this. Not again.' The void hazed over the edges of the room.

She caught his arm before he could escape. He spun as he jerked from her grasp.

"You're never happy. You're never sad. Angry, jealous, elated, hurt. Nothing!" Her foot stomped against the wood flooring. Her eyes blazed. "I need to know that you love me."

"Pretty, fairytale words for a princess." His voice dripped from his lips. "Which mean more to you than I do."

She smoothed pieces of her hair from her face. The room pulsed in time with his heart - in searing light against red and black shadows.

"Are you, actually angry, Heero?"

"Yeah." He gritted out. He lost the contours of her face. Just light and dark. "Congratulations."

The room narrowed. There wasn't enough air. The pool of acid filled his chest and threatened to overtake him. Heero tried to catch his breath.

"But, I!" A pause, then a softer tone. "Sometimes, we need to fight."

"I don't understand." The void pulled at him, but it couldn't take the rage. "When will I be enough for you?"

He slammed his fist into the wall! Cheap drywall cratered around his hand; crumbled to the floor into piles of dust. His knuckles throbbed. Hot liquid oozed across his skin.

"God, Heero—"

He stormed out of their apartment, leaving her behind.