We went down to the courthouse and the judge put it all to rest,
No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle,
No flowers, no wedding dress.
That night we went down to the river,
And into the river we'd dive.
-Bruce Springsteen, The River.
Wedding Night
Their wedding night was a disaster. Naturally, it was his fault. He'd made it through the day in one piece. Oh, whose he kidding- it had been wonderful. Remus had been buzzing with excitement and, shockingly, pride, from the minute he woke up that morning. It had been a tiny ceremony, just few family members in attendance, and they'd all looked delighted despite everything. Dora glowed with happiness all day, and for the first time in years Remus felt lucky.
Obviously that didn't last. They were spending the night in a small in above the pub where they'd had dinner after the ceremony. It was cheap but pleasant, and the gentle lapping of the Loch could be heard from the window. When they'd said goodnight to Tonks' parents she'd seized Remus' hand and pulled him giddily into the bedroom. She'd pressed a kiss to his neck before saying, "I'm just going to brush my teeth".
"Okay,"
But before she did, she took his hands in hers, looked him in the eye and told him, "I am so happy to be married to you". And she smiled. That changed everything. She'd been beaming all day but now they were alone her smile triggered something in Remus' brain, and the full horror of what he'd done hit him like a thrown brick. Oh God. Oh God ohGod ohGod ohGodohGod. He'd married her. Saddled her for life with his illness and instability and impecuniousness. He knew what it was like to go hungry and cold and hide from other people, and now he'd dragged her into that life too. Her impish smile, her shining eyes, her heart and her mind and her clumsiness, her accent and her changing faces, her jokes and her questions and her rebellious streak- all of it would dim and fade. How could he have done this to her? Remus sank onto the bed, groaning. He pinched the bridge of his nose and then, to his astonishment, began to cry. Tears leaked out of his eyes and wormed their way down his face. Angrily, Remus scrubbed them away with his sleeve. He didn't cry, he wasn't supposed to cry. Sirius' suit was velvet and the tears seeped into the fabric. What a stupid idea to get married in his best friend's clothes; it was disrespectful to Sirius' memory and it could only be a bad omen. The whole thing had been powered by fear and grief. Remus was supposed to be better than that, he was supposed to have control. Dora was barely out of school- he should have acted like a teacher, an adult. Instead he'd allowed her to lead him down this path and now look where they'd ended up.
The bathroom door re-opened and Tonks chirped, "So I was thinking that-"
Remus' face was in his hands so he didn't Tonks' expression drop or how she bolted across the room. But he felt her sit beside him, put her hand gingerly on his arm and wrap her other arm around his shoulders
"Shh. Not tonight. Remus, darling, shh, not now,". Remus and darling sounded odd together, wrong. How could he be anybody's darling?
"This was a mistake. What have I done, what have I done to you?" he choked out, voice shaking.
"Made an honest woman of me, that's what," she said firmly.
"I'll have left you a-"
"Remus, please," Tonks begged, and as he lifted his face from his hands he saw that her own eyes were damp, "Not tonight. Please not tonight,"
Now she was crying too, so as well as ruining her status, her stability and her safety, he'd ruined her wedding night. It was that more than anything which calmed Remus down. This had to stop. He closed his eyes, took four deep breaths, and wiped his face with the back of his hand. Dora kept her arm around him, stroked his hair and mumbled that it was going to be alright. Remus tried not to listen because he knew it was a lie.
"There's my lovely boy," she smiled, when he'd regained enough composure to look at her. And then, in a delighted whisper, "There's my husband,"
Remus exhaled a long breath. "I love you," he said, because he knew she wanted to hear it.
"That's a relief. This marriage lark would be really awkward if you didn't,"
He forced himself to laugh and he forced himself to kiss back when Dora pressed her lips to his.
"I know what'll make you feel better," she purred, hooking a leg between his. She kissed him softly, then pecked a row of kisses across his jaw and neck, lapped at his Adam's apple and down to his collar bones. She was sighing against his skin and slipping his jacket off his shoulders, and she kissed him on the mouth again, harder. And Remus hated himself more because this gorgeous girl who adored him was kissing and undressing him, but all he wanted was to push her off and tell her to get herself as far away from him as possible. But it was their wedding night; he could pretend. He'd do whatever she wanted, anything she'd ask-
"Remus?". She'd pulled away abruptly.
"Hmm?"
"What's up?"
"Nothing,"
"What's up?"
"Everything's fine,"
"Are you tired? It's okay, you just lie down and leave it all to me, eh?"
She patted the mattress and winked. He knew that one day soon she wouldn't want him like this. She'd be repulsed at the thought that she ever did. And even then she wouldn't be able to escape; even if she left him (she should) they were married now and she couldn't outrun his reputation.
"Remus?"
This time he could not summon a smile.
"D'you feel alright?"
"It's fine, everything's great," Remus lied unconvincingly, "Hey, where were we?"
He reached for her again but she wasn't an idiot. Her shoulders slumped. "You don't want to, do you?"
"You're my wife. Of course I want to". Wife. He hadn't said it out loud until then. Dora Tonks is his wife. It seemed incomprehensible that this thought could have given him any joy.
"How in the name of Merlin's boxers did you manage as a spy?" Tonks scoffed, "You're a dreadful liar,"
He had no idea how to respond to that. She was the only person other than Molly Weasley who could render him speechless. Eventually, he mumbled, "I don't want to let you down,"
Remus was familiar with the type of pause which followed. It was a pause in which Tonks was restraining herself from snapping at him that he wasn't letting her down, and was thinking of something kind to say instead and to summon an understanding tone to voice it. Remus had heard a lot of that pause.
"Well then," she said briskly, "Shall we talk?"
She scooted away from him, kicked off her shoes and climbed into bed. She was still wearing her wedding dress. "Are you coming?"
Her tone was impatient and when Remus twisted round to look at her face was hard. "Are you sure you don't mind?" he asked.
"Of course I don't mind". Dora's voice was too hasty to be convincing, "If there's one thing I've got used to, it's waiting to have sex with you,"
She was trying to get him to smile but it only made Remus feel worse.
"Hey," she said, scuffing his cheek with her thumb, "This is your wedding night too,"
He wanted to tell her that tonight was supposed to be about her.
"Look, we started off just talking, didn't we? Let's pretend we're sitting on the back porch at Grimmauld Place again,"
Remus looked at her, sitting up in bed with her hair the shade of blue she'd insisted on for today, wearing the wedding dress Molly had sewn and giving him that steely look with her Black-glint eyes. She was incredible.
"Alright," he replied softly. He took Sirius' shoes off and placed them carefully beside each other at the side of the bed (Tonks rolled her eyes), hung Sirius' jacket on the back on a chair, and slunk into bed beside her. Tonks shuffled up behind him, wrapped an arm around his waist and rested her chin on his shoulder.
"What d'you want to talk about?" he asked.
"Dunno. Tell me a story. Didn't you come on holiday near here when you were a kid?"
"We came in Inverness once. Why my parents thought it would be a pleasant holiday destination I don't know,"
"Yeah, surely the only place with worse weather than Wales is North Scotland,"
"Wales had beautiful weather, thank you very much," he said, mock-defensive.
"Right, for one day a year," she scoffed.
"But what a day it is," Remus declared. She was right- they were good at talking. Before anything else had happened they'd been two people swapping stories and trying to make one another laugh. That was what he'd first liked about her, wasn't it, that she'd made him laugh?
"Anyway, so you came on holiday to Inverness and it rained the whole time,"
"Not the whole time. One day it snowed,"
"It snowed on your Summer holiday?" Tonks echoed, "You're kidding…".
…They were still talking when rays of sunlight crept in through the curtains.
