I was livid.
Livid as the day when Red Tornado betrayed us and nearly killed my Waifu along with every single member of the Team.
Perhaps, the anger was just the product of all the stress that had accumulated within me. But whatever it was, I was in need to vent these feelings with anger instead of laughter. I just needed to scream at the world to return to my calm state.
So what happened that caused this sudden outburst? Well… I got angry over something that isn't that serious. What happened was just a big let down.
As I blasted Monsieur Mallah with highly explosive pellets(With "C'est la vie!" being my main war cry since that's the only French phrase I knew), the Brain started to realize that he was on the verge of losing. Mallah lost his battle equipment and considering the fact that Robin got Captain Marvel out of the surgery table meant that things were going really bad for the bad guys.
They were out-gunned, out-numbered, out-matched, and pretty much out-everything.
That was when the Brain pulled off the most awesome move that I only saw in transformers. It was so authentic to see the Brain's equipment expanding itself into what it looked like a death laser cannon ray. It looked so goddamn cool and deep within my mind, away from all of my troubles and paranoia, a little childish part of me yearned to see what that awesome move of the Brain would do.
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It was a light switch to the facility.
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…
Not caring Kid Flash's angry rant of how the Brain fooled all of us or even the presence of a big fluffy boi who was licking Superboy's cheek, I simply trudged outside the base with a dull expression as the stress inside my heart started to convert into rage.
"Hey! Comedian!" Yelled Captain Marvel as he zoomed towards me, flashing me a dashing grin. "Thanks for helping me out man"
"No problem" I spoke in a really flat tone, wishing I could split somebody in half with my chainsaw. How unfortunate it was for me that the chainsaw happened to be in my garage, far away from my hands… "Thanks for coming with us"
"Hey man, why are you so down?" Asked the boy as he gave a frown of concern. "You're the Comedian, a guy with smiles who cheers up your friends!"
He's technically not wrong. I do provide a lot of tension relief by saying something random, stupid, 4th wall, aggressive, lewd, or crazy. Sometimes, all of them at once. However, I wasn't in the mood for jokes.
…
Well… maybe one.
"... you wanna hear a joke?" I croaked emptily. Then, without giving him any time to answer I gave him mine.
"It's amazing how the grown-ups allowed you to be in their social group… instead of sending you down to us"
Then, leaving the gaping Superhero, I trudged back towards the Bio-Ship, angrily kicking a pebble on the way. Hindsight, I should've cuddled or at least petted the big fluffy boi to make myself better…
Tonight, I needed my dad to talk over some shit to get rid of this boiling anger since it wasn't the 'safe' day for all of my 'friends with benefits'. Heck, even my trans fuck buddies were out of town, visiting their relatives or something. Under a stressful situation, sex was the best way to become collected and relaxed. But since that's not an option tonight, I had to resort to my second best option: talking.
When I returned home, I found the place to be empty.
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…
Wait… a note on the fridge…
Yanking it off, carefully enough to make sure it didn't rip, I unfolded the letter that was for me and started to read what dad had written down.
'Gary, I'm sorry for not seeing you before leaving, but I recently gained a lead on Cadmus. The Justice League may have 'wrapped' everything up, but there is more to it. The evidence points to it and my instincts have told me that there was more going on in Cadmus just than the creation of Superboy. This cannot wait and I have to find out exactly what's going on with them. I may be gone for days, weeks, and possibly months, but I'm only doing this because I know you are big enough to take care of—'
I didn't even finish reading the note.
I wasn't mad at him for just leaving without a word. At least he left a note, which I'm positive it's his, judging the handwriting and the smudges that were all over the paper. Besides, this wasn't the Question's first time leaving me to investigate huge things. However, I do find it odd that he didn't take me along with him. Either he believed that this was too dangerous to bring me along, or thought that it was better for me if I spent more time with the Team.
…
I wasn't mad. When justice calls, someone's gotta answer and it was in dad's blood to seek the truth to execute justice.
…
But I was pissed when I realized that I lost somebody to talk with.
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…
Usually, drinking alcohol is the next best option. Unfortunately, I have no idea what the passcode for our personal wine cellar could be, and the Question always randomly chooses his passwords.
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'Alright, deep breaths Gary. Take in and let out deep breaths of oxygen. Just because you want to scream does not give you the right to scream at 2:00 am… Calm down… Nothing could go wrong at this po—'
That's the exact moment when my right barefoot stepped on a piece of lego.
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"FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
One week later, I found myself comforting myself with luxurious food. Food always helped and I felt stupid that I didn't think of it sooner. Happily waiting for my meal, I sat near the window looking outside.
It was a beautiful day in Hub City. Skies were blue, birdies were chirping…
"Mimmo Gary!" Came the cheerful voice of Luca, the head chef and owner of this Italian restaurant. In fact, this was one of my favorite places. Food was good, the owner was friendly as a golden retriever, and service was 100 out of 100. Today, this hour, this grand minute, I have prepared myself to consume as much food as I possibly can. I have already finished Luca's chicken salad with vinaigrette along with a bowl of clam chowder that was made from his wife's personal recipe.
Now… it was time for the entrée. But before that, I should acknowledge Luca coming out of the kitchen to personally greet me.
"Luca!" I exclaimed as I got up and gave him a firm shake of his hand although a hug would've been better considering that this man had fed me for over twelve years. However, when observing the splashes of soup and oil on his apron, I discarded the option to hug him, but I would've done so if he took it off. "It's great to see you doing good Luca"
"The feeling is mutual Gary, oy vey!" Laughed Luca. "Where is signore Vic Sage? It's been days seen I've seen him"
"He's on a trip, Luca" I spoke, taking a sip out of the mineral water. Man… I can't believe I have to wait for a few more years to drink wine. But considering that it was still daytime, I shouldn't drink anything. "He told me that he got something big overseas and so he went"
"I couldn't imagine myself being a reporter" Spoke Luca sighing. "As a family man, I think I wouldn't have enjoyed being one. Family is everything to me"
"Does a chef make things better?"
"Only if they love what I cook!"
Chuckling to each other Luca placed the entrées: Tortellini covered with creamy white sauce and filled with mushrooms, pancetta, and garlic. This was my favorite pasta, next to basil pesto pasta and carbonara.
But that wasn't it.
"Medium-rare salmon with crusted pine-nut, lemon, and herbs; medium-rare steak on potato purée, with wine salt. Do enjoy your lunch Gary"
Without words, I nobly attacked the steak and started to stuff myself as Luca went back to the kitchen, preparing raspberry Napoleon with white chocolate, and lemon panna cotta.
Sometimes, you just have to surrender and have fun in this fucked up world.
Shit hit the fan hard after the day I stuffed myself at Luca's.
Wally was complaining, which was a normal occurrence, but the sudden presence of the members of the Justice League in the room made me uneasy.
That's when Batman turned on the news, showing a bunch of plants attacking Metropolis.
…
Fuck.
"The initial attack was short lived. But Metropolis was only granted a short reprieve"
With those words of the anchor Cat Grant, tendrils of the green wrapped itself around a building, and casually crushed it into rubble.
…
Double fuck.
"Should we get out there?" Asked Robin curiously(calling him Dick just sounded wrong) and partially excited, while I was nearly pissing myself. This level and magnitude of destruction meant that we were up against the Swamp Thing, and going against the Swamp Thing along with the Green, is basically a suicide move. The only chance of beating the Swamp Thing was to ambush him, with the help of Lex Luthor or Sorcerer Supreme Doctor Strange, which the latter does not exist in this fiction.
"No" I nearly sighed in relief when he said that. "The League will soon have the situation under control. But, that's not why I'm here"
I sense a triple fuck coming…
"According to your intel, Sportsmaster supplied Cadmus's Blockbuster formula to Cobra"
"Who combined it with Bane's venom to create Cobra-Venom!" Exclaimed Wally.
"Which the Brain used to create his animal army" Added Robin.
"Well… on the bright side, we got our Big Fluffy Boi" I spoke as I scratched the Big Fluffy Boi's ears as he growled with approval.
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Hold up. Could this actually be…?
"Batman…?" I spoke, my voice higher than usual. "Please don't tell me those plants are Cobra-Venom enhanced"
"I had Green Lantern run a spot analysis. The vine cellulose does contain trace amounts of Cobra-Venom variant"
Triple fuck.
"These cannot be coincidences. Unrelated criminals are cooperating with one another worldwide" Spoke Aqualad as Robin pulled up the data file as he started to skim through it.
Meanwhile, I was at the verge of dropping the f-bombs. Stress began to pile up once again as my head felt like exploding. Motherfuckers… whoever did this sure put a lot of effort to pull this shit off. Now the main question was… what was their main goal? Is this simply a distraction so that this league of villains can pull something off beneath our noses, or is this just a proclamation of war for world dominance?
Eh, don't think it'll be world dominance. Sure, Metropolis is a symbolic place since it's Superman's turf and all, but it'll be stupid to attack one place when you can have a widespread of chaos throughout the world.
"Plant creatures have sprouted in Gotham city, Paris, Star city, Taipei—"
Quadruple fuck!
Suddenly, the screen went hazy, then it completely shut down as a static window popped up.
"Uhhh, is that supposed to happen?" Questioned Raven as she poked her head out of her cape.
"No… someone's cutting off the satellite signals!" Said Robin as he quickly started to hack the shit out of the problem. "Wait… all satellite signals!"
Suddenly, the large static screen dissolved, leaving us to face a man. A man wearing a grape-pimp suit, some cheap white makeup, and green hair.
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FUCK! If this whole shitshow was caused by this maniac, we're truly fucked for sure!
Clearing his voice the Joker spoke directly at the camera, his smile never leaving his fucking disgusting face of his.
"Ladies and gentlemen… we interrupt your regularly scheduled mayhem to bring you this important announcement from the In-Justice League"
Okay… so Poison Ivy was the one who was using the Green. That's one mystery down. Now… who have we here…? Count Vertigo and Black Adam are the only ones that I recognize.
…
Holy shit, Black Adam? THE Black Adam?! Motherfucking shit we're fucked.
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I really don't like where this is going and most importantly, it feels wrong. What exactly is wrong except for the fact that the entire world's under hostage? Answer: the Injustice League wants ten billion US dollars.
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That's it? This whole shit show was just for money?! They planned the Blockbuster serum, and went their way to create a whole new drug that could enhance pretty much anything, and the ultimate goal was money?
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Something's not right. Be it heroes or villains, the most dangerous ones fight for a cause, an ideal that they uphold, which others can empathize with. For Black Adam, it was to rightfully rule his promised world. For the Joker it was for pure maddening chaos. For Poison Ivy, it was for her babies. But just money…?
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I really have to figure out their ulterior motive. Do they wish to damn a nation? Ten billion dollars is enough to fuck any economy sideways, but if that happens, who reaps the most benefits?
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Am I thinking this the wrong way?
"Perhaps after India they realized we would deduce the truth and saw no point in hiding any longer" Spoke Aqualad.
"No. I don't think that's the case" I said, shaking my head finally understanding what exactly was going on. "This is completely wrong. This whole… scheme is completely off… I think the so-called secret society felt endangered since we were uncovering too many of their secrets that they assembled these clowns to throw us off. Cutting loose ends in a creative way"
"That's another possibility…" Mused Raven as she stared at the screen as everybody else digested the new theory of mine, which was highly probable. Out of all, Batman seemed to be taking my theory seriously. But at the end of the day, as long as there isn't any proof, it's just a theory.
Obviously, I don't have any proof to show that I was right, but I know I am. July 4th was the day when Kid Flash, Robin, Aqualad, and I broke into Cadmus and stole Superboy from them. That's where we uncovered the Blockbuster project and this had been building up higher and higher.
Now, unless the writer of this fiction is lazy as fuck, theirs no way he would suddenly end this arc by releasing the revelations within a span of time of three months.
Of course, there is a possibility that he or she is a terrible writer(I sometimes really wish I could break the fourth wall to shit-talk the writer's grandma) and is just fucking up the plot because people started to flame their story.
Ahem.
Anyways, I stand by my point. Now back to the plot…
"The Justice League will handle the plants" Oh thank you Batman! Thank you from taking us away from this shitstorm!
"I have a different job for this Team"
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Hold up. He's not… saying what I'm thinking right…?
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Right?
"Uhh… Batman…? You're not suggesting that we're going to directly confront the Injustice League and blow up their central control center… right…?"
Batman, looked a bit surprised. If the situation wasn't fucky enough, I would've shouted a little cheer for the fact that I made a small crack in Batman's facade.
"Yes. That's exactly what I'm asking you to do"
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Penta fuck.
I didn't even give a damn when Zatara voiced his disagreement with Batman for I knew changing Batman's decision was equivalent to making him laugh when factoring out the Joker's laughing gas. All I could do at the moment was bury my face in the Big Fluffy Boi and internally scream at the shit we're about to face.
Fuck. Me. Sideways.
Louisiana. Who knew? Louisiana.
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Never been there in my life.
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Man, I'm running out of ideas to think of. Probably because I'm nervous as heck. Just to be absolutely prepared, I took twice the amount of bullets, polished Sasha, my revolver, and the little pistol in my right ankle.
I even brought my secret weapon that proved to be deadly to many villains and heroes. Heck, this secret weapon even managed to temporarily stun Reed Richards(Mister Fantastic) by causing physical harm to the man whose body was malleable to any degree.
Unconsciously, my hand reached out for it and plucked it from underneath my poncho and began to examine it. Wrapped in a blue parcel it was shaped as a box and had a considerable amount of mass. Thankfully, my poncho was attached to my body quite nicely, preventing the weapon from tugging on the cloth by gravity. However, since I have never tested this weapon against supervillains, there is the possibility of this secret weapon proving to be useless.
…
Let's just pray this would work.
Now what else is there to think about…? Ah. Yes. Injustice League. Although this would be more likely a hit & run mission, I doubt we'll be able to leave the villains' lair without putting up a fight. In case that happens…
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Well, we already kind of get the gist of who's going to fight who at this point.
Raven would have to fight Wotan.
Robin would have to dance with the Joker.
Big Fluffy Boi and Superman would have to clash with Ultra-Humanite and Black Adam.
And the rest of us would have to deal with the others.
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I was in deep thought once again. Who were the true beings that were pulling the strings of the Injustice League? Obviously it's a group of dangerous people, but in a fucked up world like this, there's too many to count.
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Don't huge organizations like this usually hire mercenaries to do their bidding? Like Deathstroke or Deadshot or… well… that's all I could think of.
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Oh right! Sportsmaster! How the hell did I forget about him?!
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Probably because of his horrible name I guess… and also because Deathstroke is more of a badass than he is.
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Either way, I feel glad that this secret organization hired Sportsmaster instead of Deathstroke.
Anyways, at least I have one priority. Capturing Sportsmaster and torturing the shit out of him to get information about the real secret society.
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Or pay him more cash to open his mouth. I'm sure we could pull that off with the help of Green Arrow and Batman.
Suddenly, voices began to arise in the Bio-Ship.
"Hey… you really look stressed. Are you doing okay there?" Asked a concerned Raven approaching the Martian who was clutching her head.
"Dizzy…" Replied Miss Martian.
"Can't blame her seeing how close we are" I spoke as I got up to get ready. Holy shit… only a few minutes until we arrive at our destination… calm down… calm down… The worst case scenario is being mutilated beyond recognition and becoming an Android, or dying and becoming an astral form for eternity, or being captured by the Joker and becoming Jason Todd.
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Fuck my dark mind, dragging me towards scenarios that ultimately gives me mental breakdowns and nightmares…
"No… not me… her"
I furrowed my brows at Miss Martian's reply, obviously confused along with the others. Who was she talking about? Artemis and Raven looked like they were doing fine under the pressure we were in. So who is she talking about…?
…
Oh.
"You're talking about the Bio-Ship?" I asked, as I curiously pondered just how this vehicle could have a gender, which later grew into a philosophical debate of regarding life, but let's just skip that part.
The important part was when Miss Martian nodded, confirming my guess to be true. Not saying much I grinned, pleased with myself over just a small game of guessing until I realized something.
"Wait… does that mean we're under attack by Count Vertigo?"
I spoke too late and I blame everything on M'gann for not yelling out the alarm sooner. The Bio-Ship now started to swerve around the air in a risky fashion, throwing all of us off balance.
"We're under attack!" Yelled Robin as he dashed to the hatch. "We have to get out of here!"
"NO!" I yelled, the gears in my head turning fast, searching for the best possible tactic at this situation. "Raven, take Robin and Miss Martian and teleport out of here and carry out the mission!"
"What?! We're not leaving you guys!" Yelled Robin, as the ship violently shook once again, throwing us all over the alien vehicle as it started to tilt downwards.
"IMPACT!" I roared as the Bio-Ship clashed hard with the soft mushy earth, lessening the impact. "GO! The world's going to be taken hostage again if we don't blow up that command center and we have a slim chance against direct confrontation with the Injustice League! They've ambushed us, but that means their base is empty! Bomb their houses hard when most of their manpower is focused on us! You three are the stealthiest guys on the Team! Now GO!"
As water started to rise up in the Bio-Ship, Raven, with a slight apologetic look towards us, took Miss Martian and Robin, and vanished.
There was no time to waste. We were moments away from drowning and that would be a very cruel way for my joke to end.
"No, no, no!" Growled Artemis as she quickly waded towards the hatch. "No way I'm drowning three missions in a row!"
Alas, when we all scrambled out the adults were waiting for us. Without any words, I lifted up Sasha aiming at—
VERTIGO
Oh shit. Oh SHIT.
I knew Count Vertigo's powers. I read the files, I read his victims, I read the extent of it. I thought I knew how it worked and I braced myself for his mental attacks. I thought I could take it and use sheer willpower to shoot him down before I get to my knees. I thought I had a chance against him. I thought I could withstand the nauseating pain that was splitting my head into bits! Pain! PAIN! I was wrong! I have underestimated the magnitude of pain that coursed through my head. It hurt. It HURT. IT HURTS!
Before I knew it, I was on my hands and knees gasping for air as my whole world kept on spinning. Sight was bad… it was so bad that I had to shut my eyes, shutting off the flashing lights and the dizzy scene from entering my brain. As my reliance on one of the most major senses was cut off, I tried my best to hear over the buzzing noise that kept uncomfortably scratching my cochlea to an extent that made me wish I had John Wick stab one of his pencils in my ear. First Klarion and now this? Even if I weren't broken from the start, these continuous torture on the physical body would've drove me to insanity unless I get some good old therapy.
Problem is, my dad and I are too paranoid to trust psychologists to take care of our minds. Who knows if our personal doctors would turn out to be half as bad as Hugo Strange?
Yeah. Better not risk having an arch enemy who knows every single thing about you. I have no idea how Batman puts up with it…
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Well, it seems like I wouldn't have to think of an answer considering how Black Adam has his right hand wrapped around my throa—
I had a dream.
How long has it been since I've had a dream…?
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Was it a dream?
It was a dream where the image of the Injustice League morphed into the Justice League. There they took their place with a grim look in their eyes as they pierced through our Team.
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No. Not the Team. Me. Even my Team turned against me as they took their side to stare at me with such emotions of hostility, sorrow, and confusion.
Then I realized, I was the one behind bars. I was the villain of the day who had murdered millions and billions as he painted a crimson smiley face on each and every one. I was the madman and the antagonist of this dream. I was the prisoner ready to be executed.
Then… Captain Marvel approached me, wearing Black Adam's costume with a calm wave of fury in his eyes as his large hands became the noose that wrapped around my neck.
I started to choke.
That was when I woke up as I unintentionally banged my head on the ceiling of the cell.
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Wait, what?!
Quickly looking around myself, I found the remaining Team all trapped inside a yellow glowing cage. Outside, there was— HOLY SHIT are we flying?!
We were indeed. We were flying up, up, and up into the sky. Judging by the mystical light coming from Wotan, I could guess that we're trapped in a magical cell, flying towards their base.
…
I hope I'm doing the right thing to trust Raven's teleportation, Miss Martian's stealth, and Robin's bombs would allow them to demolish the control center before we get there. Anyways, I have to do something about the predicament I'm in first just in case we get there sooner. So let's do a quick check-up routine on myself.
No visible physical injury was done. Low probability of having any sort of sequela. But have a mild headache that would thankfully not be much of a problem the minute I get out of this cage. Weapon check. Sasha: absent. Revolver: absent. Mini-pistol located in my right ankle: absent. Hidden blades hidden inside my boots: present. A small claw hammer: absent. Supply belt for customized bullets and other tricks: absent. Gecho-tech gloves: present. Special weapon wrapped in blue parcel…
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Present.
Oh ho ho ho… Yes. These fuckers left the blue parcel alone! Probably they deduced this wouldn't be much of a harm to them, but guess what? If I don't hold back… this weapon could kill them…
Now as I was scheming what to do the moment I exited this magical prison, Aqualad came to the world of consciousness as he looked around.
"Hey you!" I spoke in a gruff voice, gaining Aqualad's attention. "You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush… same as I"
"Comedian, one more reference to any pop culture and I'll— wait, where are we?"
"Kidnapped by villains…" I answered him as other people started to get up groggily. "Gotta say, this is a very luxurious way of travel. We get to see the wonderful swamp down below as the sun slowly starts to set… damn… that's beautiful"
"Quiet, peasant!" Came the arrogant voice of our kidnapper from above.
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…
Assuming he cannot fly… I think he's either sitting or standing on top of the cage we're in. Huh. Neat.
Slowly grabbing my parcel underneath my poncho, I prepared to use it at any appropriate time. But before that moment comes…
"Can you please let us go?!" I yelled at Count Vertigo who was above us. "We can give you anything you want!"
Although I couldn't see the expressions of my teammates, I guessed they had the expression of exaggeration as they took their time recovering.
"Pah, as if a commoner like you can whet my appetite" Growled Count Vertigo. Good… keep on talking, you son of a bitch… let me get a good sense of your position… "What can you possibly offer me?!"
"I can suck your dick"
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"Excuse me, what?"
The sudden awkward silence was broken by Artemis as she gave me a look of disgust as she edged away from me. Unfortunately, the looks I received from my other teammates were on par with Artemis as they stared at me with the look of "WTF, dude?!".
Even Wotan, who had a stoic face, wavered as he stared at me, highly confused if he had heard me right. Even Count Vertigo didn't expect such a brazen and crude comment like that from a teen, which left him speechless.
"Dude! What the heck is wrong with you?!" Yelled Kid Flash, finally voicing everyone's inner thoughts, as I quickly scooted towards my position, which I assume is directly underneath Count Vertigo. Good, everybody's attention is on me… It's strange how nobody is even noticing the red ship hurtling towards us…
"You… you cur!" Roared Count Vertigo as he came to his senses. "I'll take personal entertainment of torturing you…"
"Oh great… another potential sadistic pedophile. Do all politicians have a thing for little boys?" I yelled in a snarky tone as I crossed my fingers, hoping that their attention was solely on me. "Can't we have more creative villains?! Please?!"
"You little—"
That's when the Bio-Ship rammed into Wotan, making him lose his concentration as he fell towards the muddy ground.
Consequently, we were free from the cage, and before we fell…
"Gottacha Malfoy" I growled, grinning ear to ear as I unraveled my secret weapon in my right hand as my left successfully got hold of the Count's ankles.
Then, the weapon was finally unleashed.
70mm tall, 240mm wide, and 112mm long, the rough red surface of the weapon came into view. It was heavy and dense, capable of withstanding great amounts of stress relative to its size. It's astounding how humanity created such a thing that was capable of being utilized in hundreds of different ways. To some, it surrounds them, providing them shelter and security. To some, it sits below their feet, allowing travelers to move on for miles and miles until their legs give away. To some, it becomes a piece of architectural art that inspires millions throughout the ages.
This weapon, this beautiful aesthetic weapon that is in my hands… is… the standard BRICK.
"BRICK!" I yelled out my battle cry as the brick slammed onto the Count's face, making him spit out a glob of blood with a few broken teeth. Although it was risky to do this while we were free-falling, I wasn't going to stop until I put this guy out of the picture.
"BRICK!" This time, the angular point of the red brick cut a large uneven gash across Count Vertigo's right cheek to his upper lip.
"BRICK!" A direct hit to his right eye! A wonderful feat as I could see the blood underneath the flesh immediately started clotting around his eye.
"BRI—!"
I unfortunately wasn't able to deliver the other blow as Black Adam appeared out of nowhere as he simply punched me away from assaulting Count Vertigo. Thus, I think I dislocated my right shoulder, shattered my right forearm again, and cracked a few ribs. I could've broken my neck too if it weren't for Raven suddenly appearing out of nowhere to use her telekinesis to catch me.
"Oh hey Raven" I replied groggily. "Can you let me down near that tree over there…? Tell the Team I'll be joining within a minute…"
She did as I asked, but instead of flying off to group up with the Team, she tore a fabric off her cloak and started to create an improvised cast for my right arm. Thankfully, she knew my tendencies of keeping my secrets to myself, and she respected them by not healing me. Although her healing powers work by taking off the burden of pain and experiencing it for herself, there was no way I was going to let a slightest possibility of her looking into more than what she needed to know.
"Th-thanks…" I spoke, trying my best not to scream and gain the attention of others. "Now go and make sure Wotan stays down… You're the only one who may be capable of battling against him"
"Will do. Stay safe Comedian" Whispered Raven before her darkness covered her up as she disappeared from sight.
…
Never seen my waifu being so concerned for my well-being… Am I growing on her? Better not… my waifu deserves better. Anyways… now comes the painful part…
Grinding my teeth together, I faced a tree and hurdled my right shoulder against it in the angle that would reattach my shoulder together. Man this hurts a lot when you have a cast covering your shattered forearm while your ribs are broken again…
…
'I'm right-handed… could I move my right arm at the moment…? OW!'
I bit my tongue, forcing my screams of pain emitting from my throat. I wanted to cradle my severely broken arm, but I knew that would make it worse.
Man… I ain't left handed, but I really have to improvise at the moment…
Holding the Brick in my left hand, I disappeared into the woods, searching for the most ideal position to successfully and silently attack the villains from the back of their heads. However, I had to be careful not to be caught by Black Adam or Ultra-Humanite since they were fighting all over the place with Big Fluffy Boi and Superboy.
No.1 target: Atomic Skull. Unleash his Scott Summer's powers amongst his own team. If that tactic proves to be not useful, Brick him to Brickworld.
BOOM
"MY BABIES!" Screamed Poison Ivy in horror as the Green burned to the ground. As much as I appreciate seeing a green-skinned beautiful freak dressed up as a sexy succubus crying in despair, I was more focused on the black raven that was suddenly projected into the air as it suddenly divided downwards, most likely aimed at Wotan.
Good. Going good. 0 deaths so far on both sides.
Ah. There was the Atomic Skull, blasting his rays at my friends. Quickly moving through the wet ground, I managed to get behind the Atomic Skull. Now, if I could just grab hold of his—
Suddenly, the dude turned his body 180 and started blasting his rays at me.
"Fuckshittyfuck!" I cussed as I dodged downwards, rolling forward. I hissed in pain as my broken forearm made contact with the ground, but I did not stop as I shot my left arm at the Atomic Skull's face.
If this was a situation where I was fighting against Cyclops, I would've grabbed onto his locks of hair, and maneuvered his head around so that his optic blasts can't do shit against me or even cause friendly fire for Cyclops. Problem was, the Atomic Skull was bald. Thus, I had to be creative and disgusting.
I shoved my left thumb deep into his nostril and established a good hook onto it. But as my weight propelled forward, the two of us fell down into the mud as we began to squabble. His laser beams kept blasting from his eyes and if I lost an ounce of concentration of my control over his skull, I would be fucked.
Unfortunately, the Atomic Skull wasn't just a guy with laser eye beams. He was pretty darn good with hand-to-hand combat. Thus, he began throwing devastating punches at my ribcage, rattling my whole body inside out. Although the armor was lessening the force of the enemy's punches, it didn't mean that the pain would decrease also. In fact, since I have already broken some ribs from Black Adam, it hurt more and I started screaming like a bitch as one of the enemy's fist contacted my left cheek.
But it was because of that punch, I was able to catch Black Adam flying towards me at a terrifying speed.
Quickly, screaming along the way, I tilted Atomic Skull's head up just in time as his blasts of energy hit Black Adam right in the face as his vector switched in an instant. However, it was too early to celebrate my victory as I took out my broken right arm, and slid it around Atomic Skull's neck, forming a chokehold. However, just to make sure I don't loosen up my chokehold, I bit down hard on my right hand, locking me in place on Atomic Skull's back. At this moment, I still had my left thumb in his nostril and I could feel that he was getting highly uncomfortable with the whole situation.
Roaring he started to blast everywhere, hoping that it would hit me, but with no avail. Now, having control over his beams, I tried my best giving support to my teammates.
I sent blast after blast at Black Adam who was winning against Superboy, I made sure Poison Ivy had a hard time to concentrate on controlling her plants, and I even managed to snipe Ultra-Humanite as the Big Fluffy Boi took his chance to pounce on the monkey.
However, I wasn't faring well myself. My grip on Atomic Skull was getting weaker by the passing second, and I could swear that my ribs gained more fractures as the Atomic Skull elbowed me constantly.
In the end, I was forced to let go as I tumbled down onto the muddy ground, exhausted, and nearly out of energy. Unfortunately, the Atomic Skull seemed to be only annoyed as he was barely out of breath unlike me. Menacingly standing above me, his eyes started to glow as—
"AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!!!"
The battle cry of my waifu left me wide awake as a big-ass bird body slammed into the Atomic Skull, sending his body to crash into two trees before he stopped. Man… I need a few minutes before I could start walking…
"AHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Foolish girl! Did you really believe that you could defeat me with your concentration scattered around?!"
Make that seconds. My waifu's in danger and I need to help her.
Groaning, I got up to my feet and picked up the BRICK. Then, I proceeded to jog over to Wotan, who had Raven pin down by some yellow chaos magic thingy.
"Your kindness is your downfall" Sneered Wotan as Raven began choking as she made feeble attempts to break the chaos magic. "Now—"
"BRICK!" I screamed, using my hoarse throat.
"BRICK! BRICK! BRICK! BRICK! BRICK!"
I panted and Raven got to her knees, gasping for breath. Although I wasn't familiar with my left hand, I did quite a substantial damage to Wotan as he silently twitched in the muddy waters as blood began pouring from his wound.
Hopefully, I fractured his skull and gave him brain damage. But then again, brain damage was pretty much non-existent in this universe so he would survive that.
"You okay…?" I spoke between my heaving breaths.
"Better than you" Rasped Raven as she rubbed her neck. "You really need to sit back… you'll die if you keep on going"
"I refuse to be dead weight" I insisted, my stupid pride getting in the way.
"I'll heal you if you don't rest" Threatened Raven as her cape ominously floated behind her.
"EEP!" I squeaked as I landed on my butt, dropping the brick. "Please! I'll do anything!"
Smirking down at me as she established her dominance over me, Raven flew off to provide support for whoever was having a tough time. After she flew away from sight, I laid down next to the twitching Wotan next to me.
"How's your day going?" I asked the chaos magician.
No answer.
"Rude…" I muttered as I saw the sky above me.
…
…
…
Just a sky. Just a cloud. Just a speck of the universe.
…
…
…
Whenever I see nature, all I see is a well done painting.
…
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…
Man, my life is miserable.
…
Can I make it less miserable?
I created a finger gun with my left hand. My index finger and thumb creating a right angle as the rest of my fingers wrapped around my palm.
FIfteen rounds. Let's be selfish and make the world a happier place.
Take three, through my left ear. Peekaboo. Bang. Bang. Bang.
My finger gun is now placed on my temple. Let the brains paint the wet earth. Bang. Bang. Bang.
Now it's time for the heart to stop. Shhhhhh…. Sleep. Bang. Bang. Bang.
It's the finale, let's eat lead for my last supper. Here comes the airplane Gary, open wide.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Peace at last.
…
…
…
But the joke is that I don't even have my gun on me. Isn't that something, eh? Isn't that something?!
Smiling deliriously I stare hard. Hard at whatever I'm supposed to see.
…
…
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…
…
Until the Ultra-Humanite nearly crushed me with his weight as he was sent tumbling right next to me. Great… now I was stuck with two villains who occupied both my left and right spaces.
…
Wait, who did this?
I groggily stood up to meet Wonder Woman beating the crap out of Black Adam, as the rest of the Justice League made their way to us.
"That was quick…" I muttered as Zatara flew in, chanting a spell that binded Wotan and the Ultra-Humanite with magical chains.
Not counting the ones that were already unconscious, the heroes began to encircle the remaining opponents. Curious, I barely got to my feet and started to limp towards them.
"It's over" Spoke Batman as he menacingly looked at the Injustice League.
"Oh Bats!" Cackled the Joker as he smiled as if the ice-cream truck came around. "You know it's never over between the two of us… and it's too late for the curtain call!"
The Joker.
The agent of chaos. A man who we'll never know. A man who many have trouble understanding.
…
But I understood him at that moment. I understood very well what he was about to do at that moment. I didn't know the specifics, but I knew he was going to go kamikaze or something like that. Nothing can go right with a smile so demented and twisted.
I was about to break into the circle and brick the Joker to comatose when our eyes met.
…
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…
We stopped.
Whatever the both of us were planning, it didn't happen. We simply stopped and stared at each other. His eyes…
How should I describe the Joker?
The first thing that catches your eye is the grape pimp suit that he wears and a pair of purple pants to match his upper body. Next, is the green hair. Such an odd combination that became so iconic… Next is the neat, clean makeup on his face. That was no makeup. It was a mask. A mask a performer wears when coming up to stage to perform their best act to eat up the biggest applause. Or maybe it was just makeup. Makeup a woman would wear to transform into the princess who longed for the Dark Knight to rescue her from her never-ending boredom.
Then his eyes. Oh, his wretched eyes. It just seemed… so… haunting and so… so wrong. Is this man even human? Of course he's a human being. Everybody knows that any human is capable of being anything. This one just happens to be… on an end of the spectrum of sanity.
He's scattered all over the place, but he has the ability to focus on what he wants. He is insane, but at the same time he knows exactly what he's doing. He has that big smile on his face, but he knows the harshest parts of the world that we'll never see. He's a walking contradiction that happens to be unhinged.
The mere sight of him was unnerving.
…
…
…
But I think it went both ways.
I do not understand what the Joker saw in me. Maybe he saw a glimpse of what I was, maybe he saw some parts others were unable to see, maybe it was nothing but pure instinct. Whatever it may be, I triggered something within him. I inspired the madman as he had done to me.
"Ha… HA… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…! HA! HEHE! HOHOHO! OH HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Everybody stared at the Joker for his sudden outburst of giggles, but Batman gave a quick glance at my direction before focusing his attention onto the Joker.
"... I'm guessing the joke just flew right over our heads" I spoke dryly as the Joker calmed down a bit, before breaking into another fit of laughter after seeing me again. "Mind telling us what's the punchline?"
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Oh I heard what the Joker said alright. I mean… technically no. He mouthed the word instead of using his vocal chords to voice it out. Too much laughter can cause that. I understand.
…
I understand what he said.
"Pfft" I snorted as I failed to keep my mouth shut. "Pfft… keke… Kehaha… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I cackled. I laughed. I roared and everybody around me took a small step backward, suddenly caught off guard by my sudden unnatural positivity that was radiating from my tongue.
"You know what…?" I choked as the Joker and I calmed down a bit. "That's actually… that's actually pretty darn funny!"
What have I done?
I'll tell myself what I've done. I've shown my mental instability in front of everybody. Anyone with brains would now suspect that this 'comedy' gig goes a lot deeper than simple sex jokes. Therapy… oh man, not therapy…!
"... the fuck happened to Luca's?!"
Night has fallen, and since dad wasn't home anymore, I was free to roam around the streets at night time wearing civilian clothes. Thus, here I was, standing in front of a devastated restaurant. I could barely recognize the place as all I could smell are chemicals and burnt trees. Judging by the looks of it, one of Poison Ivy's enhanced plants attacked Luca's restaurant. And judging by the smell of chemicals, I would say that the clean up crew sprayed the antidote for Joker's laughing gas all over the place.
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…
Whatever. I'll deal with this shit some time later on…
I went back to my usual stride as I kept on walking down the street, casually eyeballing the ruined streets and buildings. Hopping over a half burnt teddy bear rolling on the ground, I started to become paranoid once again as I blamed my ass for revealing my mental issues to the whole Justice League.
But how could I have not laughed?
It was quite funny and witty too.
Problem is, nobody understands it. Not even the Joker is perceptive enough to fully know it, but at least he's perceptive knows it's a joke.
"Mind telling us what's the punchline?"
"... you!"
Me.
Yes, me.
Finally, after all those years, somebody from the seats clapped and cheered at the stage.
The Joker applauded my act of life. My life which I turned into a comedy for the sake of my sanity.
I know this fact. I know that this whole thing is just a show for my mental health, and it has proven to be useful as I sometimes forgot my main purpose in this story as I would focus more on my missions and teammates.
But to have somebody else point out the joke that has been under my nose from the very beginning… It was quite refreshing and damn funny.
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…
Fuck… the Joker is now interested in me… When Batman is not available, he would likely visit me and as interesting that plot sounds, it's quite horrifying from a personal perspective.
Perhaps the world is too small for two clowns.
If anybody's wondering where the f**k that lego came from...
...
I put it there. Sorry not sorry Gary.
:D
Happy belated new years!
