Unofficially
Tonks has three lives. One: Auror life- pride at finally making it to the job she's always wanted, long hours filing paperwork, grueling field work, Mad-Eye's words echoing in her head at all times, trying not to become angry when Dawlish underestimates her because she's the newest. Two: Life with her friends- drinks at the Leaky, Weird Sisters concerts with Levi, trying to persuade Mickey to stick with a job for more than three months, gossiping about what everybody from school is doing, bickering about music and Quidditch. Three: Order life. Grimmauld Place, the Weasleys, the Weapon, Dumbledore, Sirius, Harry, sneaking information from the Ministry, evening planning round the Grimmauld kitchen table. Some people crop up in more than one life; Kingsley is Work and Order and so is Mad-Eye to an extent, Charlie is Order and Friends. But Charlie's back in Romania now, and although the first few weeks it of living these different lives was thrilling, the more time goes on the more complicated and exhausting it gets. The Ministry's coming down harder on Harry and Dumbledore, and the subject is becoming harder to avoid in the press and in the pub. The Order want more information leaked from the Auror office and with Kingsley keeping an eye on Fudge it's fallen to Tonks to be the Order's Auror mole. All she worked for was to become a Ministry Auror, but it's difficult to have loyalty when the Ministry is so misguided. It's becoming harder to deflect topic of You-Know-Who with her friends. She has to filter everything she says, which is knackering because thinking her words through has never been Tonks' strong point. And then, to make everything even more complicated, she had to fall in love.
Introducing a new boyfriend to your mates should be nice, shouldn't it? Tonks has done that before and it's been exciting, a bit nerve-wracking and there's always been a fun de-brief on both sides afterwards. But it's different with Remus. For a start there's that bloody age gap. Tonks is sure that she'd raise her eyebrows if Levi or Aisling announced they were dating someone thirteen years older. If she's totally honest she'd think it was seedy and that they were being taken advantage of by an older bloke who was only after one thing. Her mate Mickey will go the opposite way; he'll grin wickedly and hiss, "So you've found a sugar daddy? Nice one, Tonks". But Remus is the last man she'd ever imagine doing anything sleazy, and the last man she'd be sleeping with if she was after his money. If her friends met him they'd understand that. They'd see how sweet and wise he is, and he can be quite charming sometimes; she's sure they'd like him. He'd be interested in Aisling's job at the printer's and Levi would like chatting to him about those weird creatures they both like. And Remus likes her doesn't he, so surely he'll like her friends. Probably?
"Your turn," he says.
"What? Oh, sorry,"
They're sprawled on Remus' ugly living room carpet playing Exploding Snap.
Tonks slaps down the seven of spades, takes a breath and asks, "Hypothetically, would you like to meet my friends?"
Remus keeps his focus on his cards and cocks his head to consider. After a moment he plays the ace of clubs and answers, "Yes. Hypothetically," but when he meets her eyes his smile wilts into a grimace, "Realistically I don't think it's particularly viable,"
She'd expected this, but it's still disappointing. She isn't going to let him wriggle out of it. "Why?"
"You know why," Remus says patiently.
Tonks groans and drops the knave of hearts into the pile. "How long are we going to keep this cloak-and dagger malarkey up? Because if you want to talk about unrealistic, keeping this a quiet for much longer I think might count,"
Remus doesn't even like to admit that they're dating to the rest of the Order. Sirius knew from the start; they agreed to tell Molly to stop her interfering, and Hestia's worked it out too. But as yet nobody else knows and that's the way Remus likes it.
"I've told you before; if everybody knows about this it wouldn't do you, your career, your family or anybody any favours," he explains.
"It's starting to feel like you're my dirty little secret. And it's not like that, is it?"
There's nothing dirty about any of it, and not just because he wants to wait before having sex. They met in the kitchen of Sirius' townhouse for goodness sake, not in a squalid cellar or through one of Mundungus' dodgy schemes. They were friends for ages first; most of what they do now is talking or reading or playing Snap. It's almost amusingly wholesome.
Tonks looks into his face, waiting for the answer.
"I didn't say secret. Just discreet," he says.
She resists the temptation to point out that those words are so similar that they practically sound the same. Instead, she huffs and grumbles, "I wish we could be like normal people,"
Remus stiffens and his eyes flick away. Tonks realises what she's said. "I didn't...I didn't mean you, that's not what I meant,"
"I wish I was normal too," he sighs..
Dammit, why does she have to always put her foot in her mouth? She forgets about the werewolf thing, which she likes to think of as good because it shows that it isn't important to her, but forgetting means that she sometimes says stupid stuff like this.
"For your information I don't have the slightest interest in normal blokes," Tonks declares in an attempt to cheer him up.
Remus looks back at her. "No, I expect you don't,"
"So lucky you, eh?"
A heart-melting smile flickers across his face. "Lucky me,"
It's such a cliché line but he isn't one for lines; he only says things like that if he means it.
"Do you think we could try going out on a date again?" she suggests, "I'll morph,"
They've been "going out" in the seeing-each-other-romantically sense for three and a half weeks and have actually "gone out" in the being-out-of-the-house-together sense once. He worries about her being seen with him, especially since that article came out in the Prophet. Sometimes Tonks wants to snap at him that if they're going to stay indoors all the time she may as well be dating Sirius. Mostly they end up at her flat or his cottage- the latter more often, she suspects because Remus feels bad about his insistence on furtiveness so he figures the least he can do is invite her into his house. She likes being here; his space, his smell, his stuff. The first time she visited he shrugged, "It's not much," but she gets the impression that he's not especially embarrassed about how cramped and tumbledown his house is. And a great deal of their time together is spent at Grimmauld, where oddly he's more physical and less insistent on secrecy.
He smiles again, this time more apologetically, "We'll see,"
"We'll go somewhere Muggle if you want,"
"I'll think about it,"
"That sounds like a strong maybe to me," Tonks smirks. Money's going to be an issue too- no way is she letting him spend anything on her, but she's not sure how well that'll go down. Perhaps they should go for a walk or a coffee instead of dinner.
"I'm sorry this is all so complicated," Remus says heavily, "And I know that everything that's going on looks easy for me because I don't have a job or much of a life outside the Order. I know it's much more complicated for you, and I know I don't help that,"
She'd be lying if she said he was wrong. His self-imposed secrecy is a pain, as is his hesitancy. He'd been awkward and bewildered when she blunderingly told him she liked him, and the first time she invited him round to talk it over he'd been so nervous. He's twitchy about everything physical; she doubts that sex will be on the cards for another few weeks, maybe months. Blushing, he'd promised that it wasn't because of how he felt about her but because he thought it was better to take things slowly. He often asks her, "Are you sure about this? Us?", so much so that last time she snapped at him to shut up. This whole relationship is nothing if not incommodious.
She sighs. "Thanks for saying that. S'alright, it isn't your fault,"
"It is a bit," he concedes with a bit of a grin.
"Just a bit. You know Remus, this is sounding suspiciously like fishing for compliments,"
She's joking- he's awful at taking compliments. Whenever she tells him he's cute or funny or special he mumbles incoherently or says, "So are you". She wants to tell him that that isn't the point. More than anything, she wants him to believe her.
"Well, after you said you like me because I'm not normal, who could blame me for wondering what other delightful flattery you have up your sleeve," he answers lightly.
Tonks chucks a cushion at him. "Your card,"
He plays the nine of spades. She plays the ten of hearts. Him- six of diamonds. Her- five of diamonds.
"Oh alright, we'll go on a proper date soon," he says suddenly, dropping the ace of hearts onto the pile.
Tonks' head snaps up. "Seriously?"
"Why not? A quick drink or something,"
"This a sudden change of heart," she notes, suspicious.
Remus shrugs.
"Yeah. Yeah, of course, I'd love to," she says, trying not to sound overly excited. She doesn't pay attention to the card she's playing until Remus whacks his wand on it and the pile explodes.
"Snap!" he yells triumphantly.
"Oh my God, you did that on purpose!"
He bats his eyes innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about,"
Sometimes he's so difficult to work out. One minute he'll be all serious and resigned, the next he'll be messing with her to cheat at cards.
"You distracted me! Oh, we are so going on a date now,"
"Of course we are. You didn't think I was lying about that, did you?"
"If you're going to cheat at cards I'm going to choose where we're going,"
"That wasn't cheating. Have you ever played with Molly, she's the real cheat. And if you're choosing does that mean we'll end up at some Godawful music concert in a sewer?"
"What kind of gigs do you go to if they're in a sewer?"
She knows that he hasn't actually been to a concert in years because he can't afford it. She also knows that no way is she going to take him to a Weird Sisters or Howling Banshees gig. She wants him to meet her friends but if they all went to a concert he'd be moaning about the noise, smells and darkness and her friends would think he was a right old man. One day she'll take him to the Barbican or the Stoller Hall to watch an orchestra or a jazz band. He'd like that.
"I meant your concerts; the sweat in those places," Remus shudders.
"You seem to know a lot about it. Something you're not telling me?"
"I've read a book or two on the subject,"
"What if we go on a date to a library? Get the romance going by not speaking to each other," Tonks suggests.
"Not talking? You'd barely last five minutes,"
"Hmph, you've clearly never done Stealth & Tracking training with Moody. Eight hours doing silent observation, I thought I was going to die,"
"Ah, that's why you nearly failed,"
"One of many reasons. It was a difficult three months. Thanks, by the way," she says, suddenly serious, "For saying we'll go out together. I'm- I'm looking forward to it,"
It'll be nice to get out of the house and go somewhere together. Almost like being ordinary. She'll have to morph, and there's the money issue, and he'll probably be jittery the whole time about being seen. But she won't mind because it's him and it's them; this complicated thing that's only been going three weeks but which already feels so inexplicably right.
"That's quite alright," he smiles again, looking a bit shy, but pleased, "So am I. Now, loser's turn to deal, I believe".
And he hands her the pack of cards.
