Note: Written for the Breaking News Crack Fest for FB page Hermione's Nook.

My breaking news headline for this fest was "Horny Ghost Haunts House: if you thought Casper was friendly, you should meet Kevin"

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Sunday Brunch is a lively time at the Cackling Cat Pub. Sunlight spills through the windows, making the wooden tables gleam and enveloping the patrons in a warm glow. A small group of musicians occupy the tiny stage in the corner, filling the air with cheerful jigs and reels that keep everyone smiling and their toes tapping.

The long table in the back hosts the usual Hogwarts gang, minus George who is spending the day with Angelina at her parents home, and Ginny who is off training with the Holyhead Harpies. Platters of sliced fruit, baskets of steaming scones, and a large pan of savory spinach quiche are spread across the table and those gathered happily fill their plates and dig in while the barmaid passes around mimosas and flutes of champagne.

Seamus took a healthy swig of his mimosa and flips through a muggle tabloid he has spread out in front of his plate until he finds the article he's looking for.

"Ah, here it is! Says here there's a hotel by a lake in Somerset that's haunted by a bunch of naked ghosts!" He taps down on the paper, his face lit up by a wide, cheeky grin. "Group of university students went out there for summer hols, took a boat out onto the lake and drowned when a freak storm overturned it."

"Says they roam the shore all naked and dripping wet, luring tourists into the water to drown them!" Dean adds and salutes the group with his glass.

The responses range from gasps and laughs and rolling of eyes to tuts of disapproval, mostly from Hermione, who is already enjoying her second mimosa and starting to lean heavily against Ron.

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Hermione sighs. "What nonsense! That rag is worse than the Prophet for printing outrageous stories!"

Seamus folds up the paper and tucks it into his back pocket. "Well, we're gonna find out. Do a bit of paranormal investigation."

Dean winks. "Only on the more salacious stories, mind you." More laughter is followed by several wadded up napkins and bits of scone thrown in their direction.

"Since you'll be out that way, you should visit Kevin at The Old Bell in Malmesbury," Luna pipes up from behind a large hollowed out pineapple that contains a fruity concoction known only as The Brew. It is a violent purple color and lets off wispy plumes of smoke with every sip from the inserted curly straw.

"Who's Kevin?" Seamus asks.

"He's a naked ghost." Luna answers with a dreamy smile.

The table goes silent. As one, they look to Blaise, who takes a moment to sip his champagne before confirming Luna's statement with a nod and adding. "A naked, horny ghost."

"Oh, do tell," Draco sits back in his seat and raises an eyebrow, finishing his own flute of champagne and signaling for another.

The others make similar entreaties and noises of encouragement, so Luna sets aside her drink and explains.

"Around twenty years ago, Kevin stayed there with one of his paramours - he was rather promiscuous but also exceedingly handsome, so it seems no one in the town minded too terribly - and suffered an aneurysm mid-coitus. His spirit was left with an unending sexual appetite.

According to local legend, he manifests while couples are making love, feeding off their sexual energy, constantly aroused but never allowed to reach a climax. The buildup consumes him and he discorporates. The room shakes, the lights flicker, mirrors crack, and the moans of his frustrated agony echo throughout the hotel."

There were wide eyes and dropped jaws in the following silence.

"Blimey." Neville whispers and chugs down his mimosa.

Luna smiles, "We spent a lovely weekend at The Old Bell and can confirm this particular paranormal phenomenon. Was rather affected by us, I think, and quite complimentary. Blew the windows out, didn't he, darling?"

As one, the table turns to Blaise, who lifts Luna's hand in his and kisses her fingers. "He did mention something about 'the thighs of a god' and was reduced to whimpering around, was it your fourth or fifth orgasm?"

Luna hums in pleased remembrance and traces her fingers over his lips.

Pansy sets her champagne down sharply and stabs her fork into one half of a strawberry. "Luna, dear, I think I may just hate you."

Blaise immediately turns to her and tuts. "Jealousy will only give you wrinkles, love."

Pansy swallows her bite of fruit and points the fork in his face. "You shut up. I hate you, too. You know my dating life has been miserable lately and now this? Five orgasms? Who the fuck could compare with that?"

"Oh Ron could!" chirps Hermione brightly, practically draped over Ron, who sputters into his drink. "Hermione!"

Heads spin toward her, along with several disbelieving shouts of "Ron?"

Hermione glares around indignantly "Yes Ron! He is a very considerate and quite thorough lover and not once -" she plants her elbow on the table and points her finger, waggling it around - "Not once has he left me unsatisfied. In fact, he doesn't finish until I'm satisfied at least twice!"

"Hermione!" Ron hisses, looking around to see if any of the other patrons are listening. "Bloody hell, there are kids in here!"

Hermione continues, but in a loud whisper. "I've had a five orgasm night more than once, I'll have you know. You would need more than one hand to count how many times, and all your feet, too!"

Ron blushes hotly to the roots of his hair, but can't help the pride from seeping into his grin at the impressed looks from around the table. "Well, it's not all me, babe. You certainly do your part."

Hermione leans back over and wraps her arms arounds his neck. "Oh yes, I could have had those by myself, but it's so much work and I like the ones you give me so much more." She kisses his cheek, then whispers in his ear. His eyes widen and he gulps loud enough for everyone to hear, even above the general noise of the pub.

Silence reigns over the table again.

A lighter clicks as Pansy lights a cigarette at the end of a long filter and huffs, "My, my. Are all the Weasley's this talented?"

As one, the table turns to Neville, who immediately turns red.

Ron quickly points at him. "Don't you dare answer that, Longbottom!"

Neville stumbles to his feet, declaring a sudden need for the loo.

Pansy sighs, "And all of them taken, or almost. That Charlie's rather fit, wonder if he's any good."

"He is," was the murmured reply from Harry, Draco, and Blaise. All around heads turn from one face to another so quickly, you'd think they were a bunch of cats following a laser dot.

Harry and Draco look at each other in shock, then look at Blaise, who simply shrugs and salutes them with a fresh glass of champagne. Hermione starts giggling and Luna joins her, quickly followed by the others. Draco and Harry eye each other for a long moment, their gaze growing more and more heated as their legs press against each other under the table.

Pansy purses lips in thought, "Romania is ghastly this time of year, but it may well be worth it with that recommendation."

Luna shakes her head, "He's in a triad with two other trainers. They may consider a fourth but you'd have to relocate and bond with one of the dragons." She takes a large sip of her Brew and sweet smoke billows around her head.

Ron puts his hands over his ears, "Stop, stop! I don't need to know any of this!"

Pansy rolls her eyes, then stands and drains her drink. "Last round on me, loves, I'm off to the Ministry."

"The Ministry? Whatever for?" asks Neville as he rejoins the table.

"To seduce the last free Weasley. He is free, isn't he?" she asks Ron.

Ron drop his head to table and groans. Hermione giggles and pets his head in comfort. "That means yes."

Pansy blows her a kiss and sashays out the door to the sound of cheers and whistles from her friends.

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End Note: There does happen to be a hotel in Malmesbury called The Old Bell Hotel, and it does claim to be haunted... but not by a horny ghost. I just borrowed it for the fic. Cheers!