Leagues

He's out of her league. He sometimes mutters that he doesn't deserve her, but like a lot of what Remus says, that's self-deprecating bullshit. She's the one who doesn't deserve him. At twenty-three you're supposed to be focussing on yourself and your career, so it's not as if Tonks is ashamed of that. She just isn't sure why Remus, the most selfless person on the planet, wants to deal with it. He's patient with Sirius, Molly, the kids, and Mundungus. He's wise, too; Tonks always had the knack for passing exams, and Auror training had been a case of mind over matter (with a big helping of Mad-Eye Moody). She's not going to pretend she isn't clever, but Remus has a wisdom and an articulateness (is that even a word? Remus would know) she can't begin to level. Tonks' bookshelf is stuffed with crime thrillers, detective fiction and spy stories, which she isn't embarrassed about, although it makes her think how clever and patient Remus must be to understand the hefty Victorian tomes he lugs around with him. Debating him is fun because he's so smart and eloquent. Sometimes Tonks plays Devil's advocate and disagrees with Remus about something for the excitement of hearing him counter-argue. It's pretty bloody sexy too, and it makes her laugh when Remus gives her that exasperatedly amused look when he realises she's only arguing with him for the sake of it. He always has a hug or a handshake to offer. He's a good talker and an even better listener, and he's polite and charming even when he's tired or it's near the full moon. He's easy, pleasant company, and people like to be with him. Funny, too- he's wry and eloquent, and he knows exactly how to be Sirius' foil.

Tonks knows that Remus believes himself to be dull. In fact, he is the most exciting person she knows. He's lived a fascinating life, lived in loads of places and done all sorts of jobs.

"Why are you asking about this?" he asked her recently, when she was needling him to tell her more about working in a Muggle steel factory.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because it isn't remotely interesting,"

"I think it is,"

He'd looked at her fondly, as if pleased about how bemused he was by her. Tonks feels the same way- one of the most enthralling things is that she has no idea what it's like in Remus' head. She likes to imagine that it's a library, with every fact he knows stored in a book. When he needs to know something he takes the book out of the shelf. Tonks hopes that he has a whole bookshelf on her. She thought she didn't have time for the mysterious sort of bloke, but Remus is different. Of course he's bloody different, he's different to everybody, he's an original.

She doesn't deserve a boyfriend who has little money for himself, but who buys food to cook for her after work. Going out-out together didn't work, so they spend loads of time in which, Tonks reckons, means they've got closer quicker. They were friends already, but staying in means they cut through the bullshit of dressing up and playing the dating game. She keeps telling him he doesn't have to cook, but Remus insists that he enjoys it. Loads of blokes would find that house-husband-iness emasculating, but that wouldn't even occur to Remus. Is that an older bloke thing, or is that just him? The older boyfriend thing is a bit weird, especially as Remus such an old-fashioned older guy. He references stuff Tonks has never heard of, and he has no interest in modern music or fashion. Occasionally Remus mutters ashamedly that he knew her when she was little. He doesn't add anything, but they both know the implication is that there's something improper or perverted about them and about him. Tonks insists that it doesn't matter. It was years ago and besides, most people they know met their partner when they were school kids. That's slightly odd to consider, but nobody ever does. So why should they feel weird about the fact that she met Remus a handful of times when she was a kid and he'd just finished school? Neither of them even remembers it. Plenty of girls have older boyfriends, and it isn't like there's decades between her and Remus. He isn't her dad's age. It wasn't as if she decided boys her own age were too immature and intentionally went looking for a man thirteen years older but, actually, Tonks finds she likes having an older boyfriend. Remus has lived a life already and has experience. He's level-headed and doesn't get petty. He's mature enough not to be jealous about her having a good job. He knows what really matters.

Apparently older men are supposed to be better in bed, too but, well...they're working on that. Remus hasn't had a girlfriend for ages, which means a lot of things. It means he's a careful rather than an expert lover. He doesn't entirely know what he's doing, but he's a pretty quick learner, and it helps that she thinks he's the sexiest man on the planet (objectively, Tonks knows that he is he not particularly handsome. Words that might be used to describe Remus are, "normal", "average", "quite", "rather", "sort of". Nothing "very" or "extremely", nothing bright or bold. For months when Tonks first knew him, she thought so too. She'd have said Remus was ordinary-looking, perhaps plain. And though she knows that's still realistically true, it seems daft now. His smile is gorgeous, his eyes are beautiful and kind. The greying hair and the spattering of crow's feet make him distinguished. They speak to the life and experiences he's lived. He's graceful and a bit effeminate, but there's a virility to his hoarse voice. He's a mismatch, inside and out, and it's intoxicating).

Not having been in a relationship for a while means that Remus is an innocent in some ways. He likes kisses on his wrists and fingers and eyes. He can't talk dirty to save his life, and he has this way of looking at her like he's bamboozled that they've ended up doing this together. Not having had a girlfriend for ages means that being only the person who gets to do this with him in years makes her feel proud and possessive and turned on as hell.

Remus has a bizarrely transactional view of sex; the first time she gave him head, his immediate reaction was to ask her if she wanted him to do anything back. Which was sweet, but not very flattering, especially as he'd also been totally silent throughout the blowjob. He's been as keenly attentive ever since, but it's a bit…much. Tonks often wants to snap at him that he doesn't owe her, and he doesn't need to keep score. It doesn't half ruin the fun.

Tonks was mostly resigned to the idea of making do with hand stuff and oral, but somehow- she isn't sure now- a couple of weeks ago they ended up trying to shag. Remus was nervous and, given everything, so was she, but he promised that he wanted to if she did. And looking down at his pleased and surprised face, and feeling him hard inside her, was amazing. She owned him. She wanted to ride him hard and fast, but she made herself ask, "Good?"

"Really good,"

His voice was a croak. Tonks found his hand and squeezed it.

"Can I move?" she asked.

"Yes. Slowly. Please,"

He said please in the middle of sex- who was this guy? He was so strange, so sweet.

"Okay. Slow," she murmured. She'd wanted him to hold her hips and grind her down onto him, but he'd kept squeezing her hand. She wanted him to moan her name, but he only murmured incoherently to himself. She wanted to groan his name over and over, but she made herself ask if it was slow enough, and if it felt good, and if he wanted to stop. She wanted to be looking into his eyes when he came, but it happened too early, and he had his eyes screwed shut. Tonks didn't tell him to open them, or to say more, because this time was about him. Making him feel safe and reassured and special. He's so incredibly special. Afterwards, Remus was all relieved and cuddly, but then he got embarrassed about coming early, and the next time they tried sex it took him ages to get hard. That had happened before, and he kept stammering apologies, no matter how many times Tonks told him it was fine.

"We don't have to if you can't- I mean, if you don't want to," she promised. Perhaps this was her fault. She'd poured them both a couple of glasses of wine in the hope that it'd help him to loosen up, but maybe it had made him too relaxed.

"No, I do. I can. I want to,"

Remus was blushing and stumbling over his words. Usually, Tonks would snigger at that, or feel turned on that she could make Mr Unflappable so flustered. But instead she'd felt embarrassed and sorry for him. Remus didn't voice it out loud, but she could tell that it made him feel old and ill and useless. He went on top last night, which worked better because they could keep kissing (he needs lots of kissing), but Remus fretted that he was hurting her. Which is another issue: The Werewolf Thing. They're both aware of werewolves' reputation, so Tonks understands why Remus is so gentle, why doesn't like biting or hair-pulling, and why he always has to make sure that she consents. But it's way too much- Remus is so tender that he acts like she's made of glass. He asks if she's okay every ten seconds. He's done that from back when they were just snogging, and he was so blatantly baffled, out-of-practise and full of hang-ups that Tonks kept asking him back. So now they've fallen into a habit of asking each other, "How's this?", "Are you sure?" and "It's alright if you want to stop," over and over. It makes Remus feel more secure, but it doesn't half suck the passion out, especially as he barely says anything else. Fine, he can't do dirty talk, but he could at least tell her she looks hot, or tell her how he feels when they make love, or groan or sigh or anything to suggest he's enjoying it.

He's funny with eye contact, too. He gets embarrassed and shuts his eyes, and then panics that she'll stop enjoying it, so his eyes snap open and he stares at Tonks intently. It makes her feel like she's taking an exam. Remus isn't bad in bed, he's just not fun. Tonks hopes that one day she can convince him to be less serious, to giggle their way through. She often considers suggesting They could stop trying to for a while and have another go in a few weeks. She could suggest he take a Libido Libation. Or, they'll just have to have a dull sex life. It's hardly the most important thing. Who cares if Remus is boring in bed, when everything else about him is thrilling and enthralling and fun?

Sex might be complicated to navigate, but Remus is fantastic at cuddling. He doesn't wriggle or grope. He doesn't grumble about his arm going stiff, even when Tonks asks him if he wants to switch positions. He tells the best stories. One of Tonks' favourite things to do is to snuggle up to Remus and ask him to tell her about the book he's reading (Remus' versions are more entertaining and way less time-consuming than reading the actual book), make up a story, or tell her a silly anecdote about Sirius when he was younger.

"He'll skin me alive if he finds out I've told you this, so don't say anything to him," Remus grinned recently.

She batted her eyelashes innocently, "Would I?"

"Yes,"

She pouted, and Remus met her lips with a kiss, and told her a story about Sirius having to run back from Ravenclaw Tower naked in the middle of the night.

Sometimes, cuddling, Tonks says she needs to tell him something. She'll twist round so she's looking him the eye, and tell him how clever and patient and lovely he is. Remus is useless at taking compliments, obviously. He's too humble to acknowledge it, which sometimes makes Tonks feel sorry for him, and other times is irritating (once or twice she's been telling him a silly anecdote or about something at work, and she'll realise that it sounds like a boast. She wonders if Remus reckons she's arrogant. Although on the other hand, he's used to dealing with Blacks). Tonks likes to cuddle him and put words about how wise and wonderful he is in his ears. Sirius has told her, with a flippancy which makes it worse, that Remus sees himself as contaminated and corrupting. The fact that the idiot ignorant people in their world have made him believe that of himself makes Tonks want to punch somebody. She tells him that he isn't all those horrible words he thinks about himself. If he's so intelligent, why does he take that prejudiced bullshit to heart? Once, Tonks told him he was honourable, and Remus burst out laughing. That was understandable given that it's a stupid word, but it's true. He's fair, he keeps his promises, and he doesn't tell lies.

"I didn't tell the truth about Sirius. I didn't tell Dumbledore that he was an Animagus, or that he knew about the secret passages," Remus had pointed out heavily.

"'Cos you knew in your heart that Sirius hadn't done it," Tonks insisted, "After all that time you didn't believe it of him, and you were right,"

Remus is perceptive like that, and loyal to his friends.

"I did believe it of him," Remus corrected, "I didn't want to, but I'd had thirteen years to get it into my head that that's what happened. I was being selfish,"

Tonks linked her fingers with his. "Dumbledore forgave you," she reminded him, "I forgive you,"

"I'm not sure he forgives me for almost killing Peter in front of three fourteen-year-olds,"

She shrugged, "You were angry. He deserved it. And you didn't actually do it,"

"I would if it hadn't been for Harry,"

"Unfortunately, Harry's fifteen, and at boarding school, and last Ginny told me he's going out with the Ravenclaw Seeker, so until he becomes available I'll have to put up with you, won't I? "

He made a couple of mistakes when he was het-up and bewildered. So what? He's still the most honourable guy she knows.

"Anyway," Tonks added, running her index finger down the side of his face, "Everybody knows that you were just showing off in front of Sirius".

Everyone shows off on front of Sirius. He's got that annoying quality about him which makes people want him to think they're cool. Remus needs someone like that. She's a Black so perhaps she's biased, but Tonks reckons Sirius was and is a much healthier influence on Remus than most people concede to admit. It makes her smile to see them together, and to know Remus has got his friend back. He hasn't had a friend for years, he's been so lonely. The world has been unfair on Remus Lupin. It's thrown hardship after humiliation at him, and that would make anybody else become bitter, furious or cold. Remus is none of those things He hasn't ostracised himself like Greyback's werewolves. He wants to be around people and society. He is patient, dignified, accepting and warm. He is kind.

It's not just her who doesn't deserve him. It's the world.