Ruining Disney: Cat , Jade, and Tori
" Aww come on more Disney movies?" Jade asked
" Yes Jade we're having a Disney movie marathon " Cat says causing Jade to place a pillow over her face as if she was trying to suffocate herself.
" Jade why do you hate Disney movies so much?" Tori asked
" Because they're fucked up" Jade says
" No they're not Jade " Cat says hugging mister purple
" Yes they are Cat every last one of them were designed to fuck you up Walt Disney was a fucking maniac thats why all those Disney Channel kids go nuts" Jade says
" Alright Jade let's play a game then Cat and I will name 3 Disney movies and you tell us what's wrong with them deal?" Tori says
" Fine" Jade says
"Cat you go first" Tori says
" Alright Peter Pan " Cat says
Jade snorts and says " What's not wrong with Peter Pan everything thing about him screams pedophile and man whore"
Tori laughs and Cat looks at Jade in complete shock.
" Jade what makes you think that?" Cat asked
" Any man sleeping in a tree house full of boys is asking to be on the registered sex offenders list" Jade says
" But he never grew up Jade" Tori says
" In Neverland he didn't grow but when he came back to the real world he's like a 40 year old guy who looks like a kid" Jade says
" Alright continue Jade this is getting good" Tori says
" Im telling you guys he practically stalked the Darling kids he said he came back every night to listen to Wendy tell stories about him and that's how he lost his shadow but if he was at the window how the hell did his shadow get into the house you know how because he was hiding behind the curtains beating off to Wendy's voice and when the kids went to sleep he was trying to take them and Nana the nurse dog saw and chased his ass out and that's how he lost his shadow Wendy woke up and saw the thing on the floor and put it in the drawer because she knew he would come back because she was a hot in the ass little girl who probably got wet at the thought of Peter Pan being in their house at night and that's why she didn't object to her, Michael, and John going to Neverland but she didn't know that Tinkerbell was not having that shit so she got the lost boys to try and kill Wendy but they failed miserably and Tink got banished because of Peter's new piece but Wendy is dumb because he didn't want her he wanted a mother for the lost boys cause he proved in that damn lagoon with those mermaids he didn't give a shit about Wendy considering he was going to let them drown her and then he goes to Captain Hook's ship, fights him , and rescues Tiger lily once again forgetting about Wendy and getting crowned Cheif by the Indians so now Wendy is seeing him for who he really is so she tells him fuck you we're going home he basically says bye so she and the boys get kidnapped after Tinkerbell spills the beans to Captain Hook about where Peter lives and even though he did her wrong she still risks her life for him then he realizes how much he loves her so he rescues Wendy and the boys and then takes them home can't get more fucked up than that" Jade says
Tori busted up laughing and Cat shook her head afraid to give Jade the next movie title.
" Alright Jade The Little Mermaid " Cat says reluctantly
" Alright so you got Ariel who's our age and she falls in love with this prince named Eric who is probably way older than her and not to mention she's part fish but she doesn't give a shit because she's in love and she wants to be human so bad she doesn't care what she has to do to get what she wants now her father is the king of the ocean and he thinks that his daughter could only be killed by humans because obviously he has seen the shit happen I guess so he's pleading with his daughter not to go near him so he sends his trusted advisor Sebastian who's a fucking crab to watch her he basically fails and she ends up going to Ursula the sea witch with her best friend flounder who's scared of his on fucking shadow but anywho Ursula who was banished from the palace for being a witch and turning mermaids into seaweed or some shit wants revenge on Ariel's dad so she sends her electric eels to spy on Ariel and they find out that she's in love with a human so she tricks her dumbass into giving up her voice to only spend 3 days trying to get this idiot to fall in love with her and giving her a kiss to break the spell but when that came to close to happening Ursula used Ariel's voice to basically hypnotize Eric's dumbass so he tells the old man he's going to marry Ursula not knowing she's the sea witch but that weird seagull scuttle finds out and tells flounder who tells Ariel who trys to stop the wedding she finally kisses Eric and gets her voice back but now its too late and she belongs to the seawitch so she drags her back into the sea where King Triton Ariel's dad is waiting for them ready to strike Ursula's ass down with his Triton staff but then Ursula tells him about the deal they struck so they fight and King Triton ends up getting turned into seaweed and Eric's ass shows up and throws a spear at Ursula she gets pissed and makes herself big and now Ariel and Eric are swept up in a tidal wave that Ursula created with the Triton and right before she kills Ariel Eric rams the ship into Ursula and the harpoon stabs her and she dies now all the seaweed turns into Mermaid people and so does king Triton and now Ariel and Eric get married moral of the story is you can have the love of your life but it'll cost ya" Jade says
" Jade you're fucking insane " Tori says laughing
" You've ruined my childhood Jade " Cat says
" Alright let's go with this last movie because this is getting lame" Jade says
" Pinocchio" Tori says
" Oh god ok so before we get into this I have to say Jiminy is the worst fucking conscience ever he told the blue fairy he'd help Pinocchio become a real boy for Geppetto and son as the little bastard started being bad Jiminy left him and gave up on him so I don't think he deserved shit now Pinocchio was a wooden puppet who pathological liar whose nose grew everytime he did it he ran away and got in a puppet show where he became a sideshow attraction by this fat piece of shit Strombolli and when he wanted out Strombolli threatened to chop his ass up so he escapes and ends up going to this island for bad boys who drink and smoke with that idiot Lampwick and they turn into donkeys because they were making asses out of themselves but if Pinocchio is made of wood how the fuck did he turn into a donkey? who knows but Geppetto ends up getting swallowed by a whale so Pinocchio and Jiminy fucking Cricket go to save him and they do but for some reason Pinocchio almost drowns once again he's made of wood how the fuck can he drown? But anywho they take him home and Geppetto is crying because he thinks he's dead so the blue fairy appears and turns him into a real boy Geppetto is all happy and shit they're dancing around like idiots and the blue fairy rewards Jiminy which I still dont think he deserves anything but thats the story of Pinocchio and the moral of that story is if you listen to crickets, dont tell lies, and stay away from islands that turn you into an ass you'll become a real boy" Jade says
Tori laughs so hard she falls off the couch and Cat shakes her head.
" Im never leaving my children alone with you ever" Cat says
