Much like everybody's favourite fugitive godfather, this chapter has been waiting a while to see the light. It's set during OotP, a few days after the "If you weren't too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice" incident as described by JKR on Lupin's Pottermore bio. Here's your warning for mentions of sex and kinks, but nothing explicit.

Necessary Prodding

Sirius spent a large proportion of his childhood and school years being cornered. As a result he'd got pretty good at cornering people himself, and Remus had always been one of his favourite corner-ees.

"Tonks is looking for you," he announced, shutting the kitchen door behind them both and leaning on it to trap Remus in.

Moony jumped, smacked his head on the cupboard he was looking into, muttered "Bugger!", and turned to face him.

"My cousin's after you and she's pretty pissed," Sirius re-iterated.

"Drunk pissed or angry pissed?" Lupin asked, scowling as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Angry. Well, maybe drunk as well, but mostly angry,"

"Right,"

"So I suppose you'll be planning on jumping back into that cupboard to hide. What went on between you two?"

"I don't know what you're taking about," said Remus shiftily. He'd always been a bad liar.

"I thought you two were finally getting somewhere, but something happened that night at the Averys' and now you're avoiding her like dragon pox,"

"Nothing happened, Sirius,"

"You got going and shot your load too quick, is that it?"

Remus had never had time for crass humour and pulled a do-you-have-to face at Sirius.

"No, that's not it. There's nothing to tell," he said loftily.

"Then why are you determined not to see her?" Sirius persisted, "You still fancy her, don't you?"

Remus appeared to suddenly remember something important in the breadbin and busied himself looking in there. Sirius watched him for a few amused seconds, then continued, "She's an Auror, she can make herself look as hot as she- or more to the point, you- want, and she's thirteen years younger than you. Most men would wank themselves blind wanting a girl like that,"

Lupin put the lid back on the breadbin. "Don't talk about her like that,"

"Ooh, defending her honour?" Sirius smirked, pleased that he'd ruffled Moony's feathers.

"No, I...it isn't like that," he muttered.

"What is it like, then?" Sirius demanded, pinning Remus with a stare.

Lupin sighed. "It's like an old man doing right by a girl who will one day be relieved that she had a lucky escape,"

"Bollocks. She doesn't want a lucky escape, she wants you,"

Remus muttered something unintelligible.

"Go on, just tell me what you said," Sirius pleaded. He didn't suppose that Moony would tell him, but his old friend was fun to needle, and it was hardly as if Sirius had anything else to be doing.

Remus cocked an eyebrow. "Why d'you assume it was me who said it?"

"Oh, she said something that spooked you? Yes she has got quite a gob on her doesn't she, a gob I imagine you've thought about positioned in a variety of places,"

"She's your cousin, Padfoot," Remus shot back sniffily, "More like your niece, really. Andromeda would have your guts if she knew you talked about her like that,"

"I'm just voicing thoughts we all know you've had, so it's your guts she'll be after," Sirius pointed out, "So what are you going to do about it? You can't dodge Tonks forever, especially not if I have anything to say about it,"

"For Merlin's sake, will you let this go,"

"No. You're my best friend and you're arse over broomstick for her. She's my cousin and she reckons you're the best thing since chocolate frogs. And whatever you've told yourself, turning her down wasn't doing right by her or by yourself either. So will it kill you to stop being such a flipping martyr for five minutes?"

"I'm not trying to be a martyr,"

"A masochist, then? Has all that chaining yourself up during the full moon given you a kink?"

"Sirius-"

"Is that what you told Tonks at the Averys'? You asked her to whip the old wolf and she wasn't into it? Strange, I always suspected she might have a few interesting predilections up her sleeves," Sirius taunted gleefully.

"That isn't what happened at the Averys' and if you tell her that I will lock you in a room with your mother's portrait for the next year,"

"Locking me up now too? My my, Moony,"

"Sometimes I wonder why I missed you all these years," Remus growled.

But all the talk of locks reminded Sirius of his own present state of house-arrest. "Still, I suppose it's not much different to how things are at the moment. I'm locked in the house with her and Kreacher, even if not the same room,"

"I know. I know you're bored, I understand that, and you've done really well so far," said Lupin patiently, then added in a falsely optimistic tone, "It can't be more much longer, surely,"

"Don't give me hope, Remus," Sirius groaned, "None of us know how long this torture's going to go on for. Which I suppose you've thought about saying to Tonks,"

Moony's eye-roll was interrupted by a knock at the door. They looked at each other. Sirius' face split back into a grin. Please, please let this be Tonks, he prayed.

"Hello?" asked a familiar female voice, "Can I come in?"

The voice wasn't Tonks'. But if she was the last person in the world Remus would want to be caught with discussing bondage, this must have been the second-to-last.

"Of course, Professor," beamed Sirius, leaping away from the door to let Minerva McGonagall through.

Remus cringed. "Hello, Professor,"

"Lupin, Black," greeted McGonagall curtly, "Is Podmore around? There's something urgent I need to pass on. I need to be back at Hogwarts in an hour,"

"He left about ten minutes ago," Lupin said quickly. Sirius assumed this was true, although he himself had no idea. He'd all but stopped caring who was coming and going from this damn house.

"Right. Thank you, Lupin. Good afternoon to you both," Professor McGonagall said, and turned to leave.

Sirius threw Moony an evil smile. Remus grimaced. Sirius waited until Professor McGonagall had opened the door and had half a foot in the hall before piping up, "Professor,"

"Black," answered Professor McGonagall, in the same trying-not-to-sound-exasperated-already tone all three of them were familiar with from school.

"Have you seen Tonks around? Remus and I were just discussing-" Sirius began to ask, but was cut off by the sudden feeling of an arm hooking around his neck and his body being dragged backwards.

"Nothing, Professor, nothing to worry about," Moony said pleasantly, shoving his hand over Sirius' mouth as he bundled him into the kitchen, "Good afternoon,"

Sirius flailed in Remus' grip, trying to twist out from under his arm. He stuck his tongue out and licked Moony's hand, but Lupin was unperturbed and kept a tight hold on him.

Professor McGonagall looked nonplussed but unsurprised, and in the second before she left Sirius was sure that he heard her mutter, "They never change".


Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this silly chapter. Please review to let me know what you thought.