Kips

Sirius was in one of his moods upstairs. Nobody else was home. Tonks was Lupin were standing opposite one another in the kitchen. She was trying not to shout at him.

"No, you don't understand," she growled, "Everybody who comes through his house is a blood-traitor, or a criminal, or some sort of outcast. Or we're jeopardising our safety and our careers for the Order. But you don't realise any of that because you're constantly banging on about being a bloody werewolf,"

"I do realise," Lupin said tightly.

"More of a risk for most of the rest of us than for you," Tonks pointed out, knowing that this was a low blow. It wasn't Remus' fault he didn't have a job or a house to lose as a result of Order involvement. If he had more to jeopardise, of course he would. But the reality was that he didn't have as much to lose as she did, and it was condescending and disrespectful that he believed he has any right to tell her what was worth the risk.

"Yes," he acknowledged, "It's not the danger to myself which concerns me. It's the danger to you,"

"I'm capable of making my own decisions, thanks. And I don't need you to lecture me on what's safe and what isn't,"

Lupin knew that that was true; she was intelligent. But she was also impetuous and impatient, and she was in way over her head in this relationship. They both were, but as she'd pointed out, Tonks was the one with everything to lose. So it was on him to be responsible.

He kept his tone calm and factual: "I'm only acting out of-"

"Fear? Delusion?" Tonks demanded, "You reckon you're the only one of us whose ever been called a freak?"

Remus being a werewolf was. Not. Important. She could make her own choices, and she'd chosen him. Why couldn't he understand that?

"That's different. You love being a Metamorphmagus. Your powers are not violent. You have control over how you transform," Lupin explained patiently.

"Not always. Not if I haven't practised for a while," Tonks pointed out, "Not at night,"

Her hair sometimes changed colour when she was asleep. Remus found it adorable. Tonks being a Metamorphmagus was adorable, and he knew that she knew it. She liked being different, she liked having a special power and being unique. She liked changing her face and hair and showing off. Being a Metamorphmagus was something Tonks was proud of, and he loved that about her. There was nothing to love about being a werewolf, or being involved with one. Tonks kept insisting he was treating her like she was stupid and naive, but it was naive and stupid to claim that being a werewolf was comparable to being a Metamorphmagus. Remus knew that she knew that.

"That is not the same as being a dark creature," he said stonily.

For goodness sake, Tonks thought, she hadn't said it was. "Of course not, but you don't have the monopoly on people saying you're weirdo," she growled.

"Nobody says I am weird," Remus pointed out, eliminating any trace of self-pity from his tone. This was not self-indulgence or exaggeration, it was true: "They say I am a monster,"

The word caught Tonks unexpectedly, like a slap. She wanted to hold him tight and promise him that he wasn't a monster. She also wanted to give him a slap for real.

"Will you just get over yourself?" she snarled.

In another circumstance, Lupin could have laughed at that because get over yourself was such a Tonks phrase. Although now he did not laugh.

"Being a Metamorphmagus is not a source of shame and fear," he insisted.

"Being a Metamorphmagus means that people don't trust you 'cos they don't know what you actually look like. I think I remember what my real face is, but how do I know for definate? I don't get how all the rest of you cope, trapped in your bodies forever. I literally don't understand what it's like to look the same every day- it feels like I'm a different species, I'm an alien,"

Tonks didn't like to talk or think about this often. Because Remus was right; she relished her powers. Ninety-five per cent of the time, being a Metamorphmahus was thrilling and hilarious and awesome. But there were moments when she knew she was a freak. Things that were mundane to ordinary people didn't happen to her. Tonks had an "official" face, although she often changed an eyebrow or did some work on her cheekbones, or tried a new chin on for size. Nothing major, only little adjustments, and she enjoyed experimenting. But it meant that her face wasn't consistent. It was a universal human experience she was missing. She aged physically, although if she'd had to change her face entirely, when morphing back to her official face it was difficult to remember every single detail, so sometimes the naturally aging happened twice or three times over. That would be a nightmare when she got old, Tonks knew. There were other, little factors too: she hadn't had a haircut since she was eight. She'd never had to shave. She'd never cut her nails. She could gain and lose weight and muscle naturally, although whenever her friends discussed diets Tonks didn't really know if she should join in or not, considering that her experience of her body was nothing like theirs. It wasn't like anybody's.

"Being a Metamorphmagus means not being sure of who you are 'cos you're changing all the time," she continued, "Sometimes it feels like losing parts of yourself. I've hardly met anyone like me so it's bloody lonely too. Oh, and you know what is a source of shame and fear? Having Bellatrix Lestrange as your mum's sister. Or did you forget that about me?"

Remus knew that she wanted him to retort that of course he hadn't forgotten. Although he knew that that was what Tonks wanted him to say, so he didn't rise to the bait. Lupin stayed silent, and let her continue:

"Is she enough of a dark creature for you? Is she enough of a monster? You claim your blood's tainted- try having mine! Try knowing that that's the kind of person you're related to. People don't half look at you different once they find out your auntie's doing life in Azkaban. And now she's escaped she probably wants me dead, so that's a nice weight to have on my shoulders,"

It had been three months since the Azkaban breakout. The Order had investigated places the Lestranges would be suspected of staying- Malfoy Manor, Godric's Hollow, the inns on Knockturn Alley- but to no avail. Tonks had been considered too much of a risk to go on any of these investigations. If the Ministry had been handling this, they'd have come up with a vague excuse why she was too inexperienced, or they'd busy her with paperwork. In the Order meeting, Mad-Eye had barked, "Tonks, you're not going because there's a high risk of Lestrange murdering you".

Mum's family had been dogging Tonks all her life, and their influence only increased with time. Tonks' Auror application took months longer than it should have done because the Ministry had to investigate Mum's relationships to Sirius and the Lestranges. When Sirius escaped mid-way through her training, Mad-Eye hauled her into his office and explained that Black might go after her and her family. But as far as anybody knew then, Sirius' motives were based around the Potters. His beliefs about blood purity and his plans regarding targeting family were unclear. With Bellatrix, there was no ambiguity. Bellatrix hated Muggle-borns. She detested mixed-blood marriages. She despised Mum (Mum refused to say that she hated her back, and Dad said that she didn't. Tonks had never understood that. Wasn't their side united on the idea that family and blood didn't matter?). She probably believed that Tonks was an aberration and must be destroyed. In some ways, that wasn't as disturbing as it had been with Sirius; she had known Sirius, and loved him, and the idea that he wasn't who she'd thought he'd was had haunted her for twelve years. Bellatrix had always been the bogeyman, the monster under the bed, the person Tonks had to be afraid of even before she understood who she was (Mum never sat her down and explained it, but Tonks had heard whispered mentions of her, and she'd seen people double-take at Mum and then mutter, "Sorry, I thought you were…" and tail off, looking anxious). Bellatrix had not betrayed her like Sirius had. Moreover, the unexpectedness of his betrayal of the Potters, and the speed at which he'd been imprisoned meant that Sirius hadn't been questioned about what he felt towards the Blacks and Tonks' family. Whereas Bellatrix had made her feelings very clear. That meant that these last three months hadn't had the unnerving ambiguity of the year Sirius had escaped. The truth was in no doubt- a fanatical criminal who should be doing life wanted Tonks, specifically, to die. And for Bellatrix, "die" didn't just mean cease to be alive, it meant violence and torture, Crucio and Imperio before the Avada Kedavra. Death counted as a relief after facing Bellatrix Lestrange. And that was the type of person who was after Tonks.

Lupin looked her in the eye. "I have never claimed that your life is without its complications," he said softly, "Although I find suggestion that being a Metamorphmagus is comparable to being a werewolf rather insulting,"

That caught Tonks by surprise. It was out-of-character for him to say something as self-righteous as that.

"Well," she spluttered, "I find you insulting!"

Lupin's insides wilted defeatedly. That was it, then. They were over. He knew that this would happen sooner or later. The last few weeks had been more than he had ever dreamed of, and now it was time to wake up. It was for the best. It would make her safe, and she'd be happier in the long run. His own happiness was not important.

He needed to leave. He should to get out of Grimmauld Place before either of them got upset, or before he did anything to make this worse than it already was. He needed to get away from Tonks, and stay away from Tonks.

"I should leave," Lupin said hastily, "This was selfish. I apologise. I suppose it's best if we don't see each other for-"

He backed away towards the door, and Tonks wondered what in Camelot he was doing.

"What?" she yelped.

"I'm sorry for everything. I'll try to arrange matters so we don't get put on Order duty together for the next few weeks,"

He'd survived humiliation and heartbreak before. This would hurt, but he knew it was right.

Tonks suddenly understood what he meant: "Are you splitting up with me?"

That caught him off guard. "Aren't we splitting up?"

That's what she'd meant when she said she found him insulting, wasn't it? That's what happened after an argument like this.

"What? No. Are we?" she yelped.

"We're arguing," Lupin pointed out.

"Yeah, but not enough to split up," Tonks scoffed, baffled. How did he get from arguing to breaking up? Unless that was what he wanted. Was starting harping about being a werewolf a the lead-up to dumping her? That was the sort of strange evasive plan Remus would engineer. Was this it, then? Was he ending it? Panicky thoughts were shooting through her brain; she felt as if he had shoved her.

"Do you want to split up?" she demanded.

"No," said Lupin, shaking his head. He'd reckoned that she wanted to. Hadn't she?

"Well, then," said Tonks, folding her arms in front of her. A barrier between them. She was trying to pretend to be in control, although in reality he was making her head spin. She wanted to clutch his lapels and promise that she didn't want to break up with him, that she really fancied him and she thought he was marvellous.

Lupin said the only thing he could think of: "Oh,"

Tonks seemed to be suspecting that he was trying to break up with her, which wasn't true. Lupin had wanted her to consider the reality of their relationship and how perilous being involved with him was. But he hadn't been trying to end them. He'd thought that Tonks had lost patience with him and wanted to split up…but she seemed to be denying that. Had he got the wrong end of the stick? Everything about this was mystifying. Wearily, he thought that it wasn't just Tonks who was in over her head.

"I'm sorry, I'm not good at this," Remus added.

"Okay," said Tonks slowly, "Let's get it straight that we haven't broken up, and we aren't breaking up,"

Tonks hoped that she didn't sound like she was patronising him- but he was so befuddled that she decided it was easier to go slowly to ensure that he was clear what was going on. Considering he was so eloquent, communication wasn't his strong point. She willed him to say no, to tell here that they weren't breaking up and that he still wanted her.

"I don't think so," he muttered.

"I don't think so either," she agreed.

"Right,"

"It's okay to argue, you know? We can argue and we can still be together," she said, resisting the temptation to add, "That's how relationships work, you idiot".

Lupin nodded, considering it best not to speak further. And he was ashamed to acknowledge that he felt more relief than guilt about the apparent non-break-up. A voice in the back of his head pointed out that Tonks would end their relationship one day, and letting it drag on was only putting off the pain. The longer they stayed together, the deeper his feelings for her drilled inside him, which meant that it would only hurt more when she did split up with him. The voice added that if he had a shred of decency and an ounce of respect for her, he would end it himself.

"Shall we agree we've finished arguing then?" Tonks said, interrupting the internal voice.

Lupin knew that he wouldn't stop being a werewolf or being a threat to her just because they'd stopped arguing. He knew that the argument would happen again sooner or later. He knew how contented, full, safe and alive he felt with her. He hadn't managed to say any of that out loud, though Tonks had said similar things to him. She told him how she hadn't ever met anybody like him, and how he was handsome, witty, exciting and special. Lupin knew that none of that was true, but he knew that she wasn't mocking him either. What did it mean, then? He didn't understand and he was desperate to find out. She'd made him desperate to find out.

He swallowed. "Yes,"

Tonks tried not to let her sigh of relief be too obvious. She was still irked enough not to want to kiss him, but he looked nonplussed and uneasy and in need of reassurance, so she compromised by reaching out and squeezing his shoulder. He was aggravating. But he was also lovely. And intriguing. And probably the cleverest person she knew. He was serious effort- they'd barely been together a month and it was clear that it'd been ages since Remus had been involved with anybody that long. Involved this seriously, at any rate. In any other circumstance, Tonks would have scoffed that a month was yonks too early to be serious with anybody. But it was different with her and Remus. They were colleagues first, so they knew each other and had seen each other in all different moods and had a friendship for months before they started to fall for one another. Tonks reckoned that since they'd been together they'd got closer faster than in usual relationships, because they spent time in instead of going out on dates. They didn't bother to dress up for each other and make small-talk about starters and aperitifs and whose turn it was to get the bill. Their whole relationship so far had been a simple, stripped-down type of romance. Tonks wouldn't have gone looking for that type of relationship, but now it had happened she'd decided that she liked cutting through the crap. Dating and flirting and leading each other on would have felt perverse with Remus.

She couldn't help but feel flattered by the fact that he'd avoided romance for a long time but had given up his evasion to being in a relationship with her. Because of her. Remus was hesitant to talk about his feelings, but the fact that he was trying this with her said enough. He wasn't bad at relationships, she insisted to herself. He was just…unprepared. Nervous. Clueless. Exhibit A: the conversation they'd just had, in which he didn't understand the difference between an argument and a break-up. He was a challenge and a fascination. His blunderingness and skittishness were infuriating. Which meant, Tonks acknowledged, feeling both affection and irritation towards him, that he was always giving her stuff to think about.