If: Autumn
September
If they'd have lived, they'd have gone on holiday in September. The re-opening of Hogwarts would have been a milestone for the new Ministry, so after the school term started, most Ministry staff would have gone down to working five days a week, or at least fewer hours on the sixth. The Order would have encouraged each other to take a break, so Tonks and Lupin would have booked a few days away at a seaside town. A Muggle place would be safer, although Lupin would have worried that resorts like Blackpool and Whitstable were too busy (he'd still be worried about any stray Death Eaters finding them). Perhaps they'd have gone to one of the quaint coastal villages in Wales which Remus had holidayed at as a child. They would have taken Teddy to the beach to dig holes and build sandcastles. Tonks would have wanted to feed him ice-cream, which Andromeda, who would have come on the holiday too, would have disapproved of. However, Teddy's grandmother would have appreciated getting out of the city and watching Teddy kick around in the sand. She would have showed him the beach-huts and deckchairs, and promised that when he was older she'd buy him a beachball to play with and let him go on donkey rides. Lupin would have taken Teddy to the shore to dip his toes in the Atlantic, which would have been so cold that Teddy would have cried. Retreating back away from the water, he'd have put Teddy's hands and toes into the muddy sand by the shore, and the baby would have chuckled at the strange jelly texture of it. Lupin would have used a stick to write their names in the wet sand:
TEDDY
GRANNY
MUMMY
DADDY
Looking at the four names together and at himself listed as "Daddy" would have made Lupin rather emotional. They were a family. He was part of a family. He was on holiday with his mother-in-law and his wife and his child, playing on the beach like families did. It was as if they were a family in a storybook or a postcard- except this was reality. It was astounding.
"Are you going to stand there all day?" Andromeda would have smirked, walking over to him.
"Perhaps," Lupin would have replied in a mumble. He'd have thrown her a glance, then looked back at the letters in the sand.
"Your letter Ys are wonky," Andromeda would have pointed out. They'd have reached his point of friendly teasing by now. It was nearly always her teasing him, but Lupin would have been fine with that.
"I know," he'd have agreed, too pensive banter back.
Andromeda seemed to understand, because she said, "I'll leave you to contemplate your handwriting," and began to walk away again, back to where Tonks was playing with Teddy further away from the shore.
Lupin would have nodded and looked back down at the words. TEDDY GRANNY MUMMY DADDY. His family.
"Wait a moment," he'd have heard himself call. Andromeda would have turned around to face him again, and Lupin would have added, "Would you mind taking a photograph?".
The next day, the four of them would have visited the arcade. Tonks would have waited until nobody was looking, then charmed the claw machine to let her win Teddy massive cuddly toys (Andromeda would have rolled her eyes). Tonks would have collected keepsakes to remind them of their first family holiday: the plastic coins from the arcade, shells from the beach, the map her husband and mother bickered over, the remnants of the sticks from their ice-lollies. Money would still be tight, so there'd be no money for meals out in the evening. Instead, they'd have lived off sandwiches, fish-and-chips, candyfloss and hotdogs.
A couple of times, Andromeda would have offered to babysit Teddy for the evening, and Tonks and Lupin would have gone for starlit walks down the beach.
"Do you suppose this counts as our honeymoon?" Tonks would have asked.
Lupin, having not considered a honeymoon at all, would have shrugged. "Do you want it to?"
"Dunno. I don't reckon you're meant to bring your kid on your honeymoon,"
"I wouldn't want to go on holiday without him," Lupin would have murmured.
"And as the person who provides his food, I doubt he'd be best pleased about me disappearing off to Miami or somewhere for a fortnight,"
"Is that where we'd go?" he would have said, looking over at her and smiling, "Miami?"
"No. Miami's boring, and full of old people," Tonks would have decided, "We'd go to Tibet,"
"Too cold,"
"You're always cold!" she'd protest.
"Let's go somewhere warm. The Tropics," Lupin would have suggested.
"What the hell is the Tropics?"
"The Bahamas. South America. Hawaii,"
"Why can't you say that, then? It's like when you call Europe 'the Continent',"
"Europe is a continent,"
"Yeah, a continent, not the continent," she'd have said, unlinking their fingers to jab him in the ribs.
He'd have grabbed her then, scooped her up and pretended to throw her in the ocean. Tonks would have yelped and tried to wriggle out of his arms, and Lupin would have dropped her. She'd have squealed at the sudden coldness, splashed water at him, and grabbed his ankle to try to pull him down too. Lupin would have yanked his foot free and kicked water back at her, and then they'd have been shrieking and cackling and throwing water at one another. Eventually, shivering and soaked, one of them would have surrendered, and they'd have staggered back onto the dry sand. They'd have cast drying charms on themselves, Lupin would have offered her his jacket and, since it'd be dark there wouldn't be anybody around to see and think she was being wussy or clingy, Tonks would have taken it and draped it round her shoulders. They'd have held hands on the walk back to the hotel and Lupin, feeling an itch in his hair and grains of sand in his trouser pockets, would have felt thrilled and bemused that this was now his real life, that now he was the type of man who had splash-fights and ended up with sand in his hair and clothes. And he would have felt, for the thousandth time, indescribably grateful for the amazing woman he would have got to call his wife.
October
"Mum?" Tonks would have said tentatively, sidling into the living room. Her mother would have been flipping through a magazine with the radio on in the background. Lupin would have been upstairs bathing the baby. That would have usually been one of Tonks' favourite tasks because Teddy liked being bathed, and he was so bloody cute when he smiled up at her from his little plastic bath-basin. He was six months old now, so becoming more fun and more troublesome. He loved touching different textures, even if it was just the carpet or the sole of a shoe. He liked to pick stuff off the floor, which meant that his hands were often covered in grime. Teddy hadn't worked out how to roll over or shuffle on his bottom yet, so when he was set down somewhere he found it difficult to move. That was a relief, because if he'd been mobile he could have yanked or knocked anything. He'd developed a habit of grabbing any chain or cord within reach, so Tonks and Andromeda had stopped wearing jewellery to avoid being garroted. Teddy was getting bigger and heavier, making breast-feeding and bottle-feeding increasingly dead-arm-inducing for his parents and grandmother. They were hoping to start him on solid foods soon. Teddy would have become louder, too. "Ba!" was his favourite sound, closely followed by "A!" and "Pa!". Tonks would have been convinced that they weren't too far away from Teddy saying, "Mama". She would have have been thrilled at the way his morphing abilities were changing, too. In his first days and weeks, Teddy's hair would have turned red when he was experiencing any kind of negative emotion. Over the last few months, his body would have started developing different shades for different sensations. A bright red was hungry. If Teddy's hair turned maroon it meant he'd dirtied his nappy. Pale pink usually showed that he was cold, and if Teddy's hair went orange he was probably lonely or in need of a hug. Green or turquoise were his happy colours (Tonks would have kept trying to make, "It's a Green Day," a running gag, although Remus didn't know who the band were so he didn't get the joke). Sometimes when he was bawling, he'd screw up his face, and his ears or nose or eyebrows would morph into a different shape. None of this was under Teddy's control, but Tonks would have reckoned that it was certainly a good sign. Every time Teddy changed his face or hair she'd tell him how clever he was, how proud she was of him and how handsome he looked, even if he was screaming his head off. When he wasn't stroppy or tearful though, he had the most killer smile. Tonks would have been sure that he wouldn't even need to morph his face because he was going to be a total stunner. Everybody would have said he looked like his daddy. Lupin would have stopped denying this months ago, and would now swell with pride when somebody pointed out that Teddy looked just like him.
However, one thing Teddy wouldn't have enjoyed at the moment was sleep. Since the Summer had ended, he'd decided that the world was too much fun to switch off from every evening. Every night his parents would have changed him into his pyjamas, read him a story, given him a goodnight kiss, switched his night-light on and the big light off, and shut the bedroom door. And then Teddy would start to giggle, and then fuss, and then cry, and then yowl. Andromeda would have recommended leaving him to cry it out, but Teddy would have grumbled and squawked for long enough that eventually one of the three of them would have to go back into the bedroom to shush him, give him a cuddle or a feed, re-arrange his blankets and try to get him to sleep. Teddy might drift off for a few minutes only to wake up and start again. He seemed to have a sixth-sense for when his parents were creeping into the room to go to bed, because he usually woke up then. Tonks and Lupin had started taking it in turns to sleep on the sofa. After a couple of weeks of this, all three of the adults in the house were getting exhausted and exasperated (Molly Weasley was usually a sympathetic ear to baby-related issues, although when Tonks had mentioned the current problem, Molly would have pointed out that Tonks was lucky not to have six older children kept awake by a howling baby).
It was Teddy's wash night tonight, and since Lupin was better at calming him down, he'd have offered to do bathtime. They'd have hoped that a gentle bath would have made Teddy mellow and sleepy, but that plan hadn't proved successful last week. It would have, however, give Tonks the opportunity to start a conversation with her mother, which she'd been putting off for days now.
"Yes?" said Andromeda.
"Are you busy?"
"No. What is it?"
Tonks would have perched on the arm of the sofa and fiddled with the sleeve of her shirt.
"Remus and I were thinking about moving home," she'd have said, "Back to my flat, I mean,"
Andromeda would have lowered her magazine and peered over her reading glasses to eye her daughter. This development, she'd have thought, was both blindsiding and entirely expected.
"When?" Andromeda would have asked.
"I don't know. Not right now this second, but maybe soon," Tonks would have blurted, "If you're okay with that,"
Andromeda would have known that her daughter didn't mean that last sentence. Nymphadora would move home with her husband and baby whether Andromeda liked it or not. And why shouldn't she? After all that had happened, Nymphadora deserved to get on with her own life. But it meant that Andromeda would be left alone in the house, full of Ted's possessions and Ted's memories, with no difficult daughter or new grandson or complicated son-in-law to fill the silence.
Andromeda would have known that her daughter knew this too, because she would have added, "I know it'll be hard to be here alone without Dad,"
"It's hard already," Andromeda would have replied stonily.
"We'll visit as much as you want. Or you could come to us, a few times a week if you fancy it,"
When Andromeda's daughter first announced that she was marrying a werewolf, it had hurt Andromeda to hear her refer to them as, "us". "You can't tell us what to do, Mum". "This is about us, not you". "It's up to us". As Andromeda has got to know her son-in-law, the "us" has hurt less, especially the times when "us" included the four of them: Teddy, Remus, Nymphadora and herself. Since Ted died, that "us" had been a comforting distraction. The birth of a grandson so soon after the death of a husband had been an emotional overload, although at least some of the emotions a new baby brought were positive ones. Joy, pride, awe. Love. Andromeda had had a purpose. If the three of them were planning to go away, Andromeda would lose that purpose. The "us" would go back to being Nymphadora and Remus and Teddy.
"You don't need to mollify me," Andromeda would have snapped, "I know you're going to do what you want regardless,"
"I came to ask you!" her daughter would have shot back, "To see if you minded, but if you think I care about you so little, then forget I said anything!"
They would have glared at each other. Guilt would have seeped into Andromeda's skin, because they'd been getting on better since the war had ended. Nymphadora actually asked for her advice about feeding and nappies and rattles, instead of going straight to Molly Weasley. Remus would have been elated to be a parent and surprisingly capable. Andromeda suspected that Nymphadora didn't want to rain on his parade by talking to him about the parts she was finding difficult. Therefore, she would have started coming to Andromeda her when she felt overwhelmed or uncertain, or when she'd realised how repetitive and endless raising a baby was. Losing Ted had would have brought them closer, too. They'd talk about him often, and sometimes they would curl up on the sofa and cry together- tears of sadness but also of fury at how brutally he had been taken. Molly Weasley's son, and the others who'd died in the Battle of Hogwarts, had been given grand funerals. Ted's body had never been found. He would have rotted into the soil by now. Coffinless, unmarked, unknown.
"Sorry, shouldn't have snapped," muttered Nymphadora unexpectedly. She had hardly ever apologised for getting cross at Andromeda before. "I meant it when I said it was up to you. You know what Remus is like: he won't agree unless he's sure that you're not going to be lonely without us,"
"The peace and quiet might be nice," Andromeda said. She wouldn't have wanted to argue, so would have forced a smirk to go with the joke, which they both knew was a lie.
"Yeah, 'specially a night," her daughter would have mumbled in agreement.
"All that caterwauling,"
"And that's just me,"
The banter would have been forced, and they both knew they were only going along with it to avoid a fight. There was another way to avoid this argument, too: agree. If Andromeda agreed, there would be nothing to row about. She took a deep breath and continued:
"Go as soon as you're ready,"
The words both lightened the load on Andromeda's shoulders, and darkened the room around her. What was she supposed to do? Keep her daughter here forever? Nymphadora needed her own space, and privacy with her husband and the baby (sometimes when the four of the were in a room together, Andromeda would have been able to sense Nymphadora and Remus wanting to kiss or snuggle up together, yet resisting for her sake. That made her irritated, and then embarrassed when she'd glance and Remus and know that he knew that she knew. He was too perceptive for his own good). Teddy was six months old now, and would have needed consistency. Nymphadora and Remus weren't going to live here forever, so it was best that Teddy didn't get overly used to this house. Andromeda would have known that she couldn't let her life revolve them either. She was not Molly Weasley. Her life was not babies and bottles and breast-feeding advice. Her family had been her purpose for the last year, but she shouldn't let them be her purpose forever. Andromeda would have known that she had more to do and more to offer than that. Teddy her grandson was not going to bring back Ted her husband. She shouldn't tread water in the safety of her family. However, intimidating and isolating the future seemed, Andromeda had to move forward.
Nymphadora's face would have cracked into a beam. "Thanks, Mum,"
Andromeda would have forced herself to smile back, though the expression felt wan on her lips.
"We'll visit loads, I promise," Nymphadora chirped, "Don't think you're getting out of babysitting this easy,"
The joke landed flatly, too, and Nymphadora would have added hurriedly, "It needn't be soon, either, we're not leaving tomorrow or anything,"
"Whenever you're ready," Andromeda would have repeated.
"I'm gonna tell Remus," her daughter would have announced, leaping to her feet and striding over to the living room door. Andromeda would have grimaced, knowing that Remus was bound to be as remorseful and concerned about this as he would be pleased. Before, Andromeda reflected, she'd have assumed that Remus' worrying about her was insincere. Then there'd been months were she'd have got frustrated at his concern, believing it to belie a spinelessness and over-fastidiousness. Now though, Andromeda was touched at knowing that Remus would be anxious about how she would react to the news. His regard for her was genuine and, while still slightly irritating, didn't make him soft. It made him kind.
"Tell him not to feel guilty about it," Andromeda would have added. She'd have got the impression that becoming a parent had made Remus less hard on himself, although they wouldn't have had the type of relationship where those types of emotions were discussed.
Nymphadora would have turned around and nodded pensively. "Yeah. Good point,"
Then she shrugged in a we'll see how it goes way. Andromeda considered having a word with Remus about it later to assure him that she'd agreed their move, and didn't feel as if he was taking her daughter and grandson away from her. Abruptly, she'd have realised that she would miss having Remus around. He was a calming influence, he was helpful around the house, and he was intelligent and interesting to talk to. Despite his and Andromeda's vastly different upbringings, they both appreciated books and French and classical music. She'd got used to having him here, so it would be strange without him.
"Thank you, Mum!" Nymphadora would have repeated, glowing. Then she would have sped away upstairs, leaving Andromeda alone with her thoughts. She would have supposed that that was something she would have to get used to.
November
"This is a breakthrough," Tonks would have declared, punching the air as she walked back into her living room. Teddy would have got to sleep within ten minutes of being put in his cot, which hadn't happened in weeks. Tonks would have walked over to her husband and kissed him on the forehead. He'd have closed his book and, wordlessly, walked out of the room, then reappeared a few moments later holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"This is a cause for celebration," Lupin would have announced. Tonks would have sniggered as he poured them both a glass and clinked his against hers. One of the nice parts about living back at her flat was being able to get drunk together. Andromeda liked a drink, but Remus hadn't ever felt comfortable about cracking a bottle of wine out with her. Now they were back at their flat, drinking his wife would have suddenly been an exciting activity to rediscover. That was probably the reason why the alcohol took hold quicker than usual; soon they would have been giggling giddily together, and Tonks would have been climbing onto his lap and kissing him through laughter. Lupin would have slid his hands over her shoulders, down to her waist and hips. Tonks would have shuffled closer, pressing their bodies together as they kissed deeper and damper. She'd have cupped his face in one hand, relishing the sensation his smile through his jaw as well as in the way his mouth was shaped against hers. She'd have enjoyed, too, the feeling of his legs between hers as she straddled him. Lupin's hands would have wandered back up her torso, unintentionally brushing the side of her breast with his hand.
Tonks would have winced. "Ow,"
"Sorry," Lupin would have muttered, peeling his eyes open. Hers would still have been shut, and their mouths would have moved only millimetres away from one another's as they spoke.
"It's okay,"
"Still a bit sore?"
"Yeah," Tonks would have admitted, opening her eyes. She'd have been breast-feeding on-and-off, plus expressing milk a few times a week, leaving her chest chaffed and sensitive to touch.
Lupin would have considered for a moment, then nudged her off his knees and instructed, "Alright, stand up,"
His wife would have done as he told her and he'd have followed, then turned her around slowly so that they were standing against each other with her back brushing his chest. He'd have slid his hands into the pockets at the front of Tonks' jeans and rubbed his face into the bristles at the back of her hair, loving the texture of soft spikiness against his skin. Lupin would have put his hands gently on her face from behind and stroked then across her cheeks, her mouth, her jaw, her chin. Then he'd have pressed a kiss to the centre of her head, and then another slightly further up, and then another, until he reached the top of her head, then worked his way back down slightly to the left.
"I. Love. Every. Single," he'd have said, between kisses, "Modfedd. Of. You,"
Tonks would have had no idea what an modfedd was (was it Welsh?), which would have made it even sexier to hear. Anybody could say they loved every part or inch or centimetre of someone, but it was specifically Remus-y to come up with a word like mod-whatever-it-was. She'd have also liked the fact that, once, there was a time when he'd have thought that saying words like that would have made her think him pretentious. Now, however, they both knew when she found his intelligence was patronising, and when she found it fascinating and hot.
He'd have kept going until he'd covered the back of Tonks' head in kisses, and then he'd reach round to lap at her ears. He'd have kissed the side of her face and then worked his way down to her neck, belong raspberries on her skin in the way which always made her cackle and yelp and wriggle. The feeling of his wife squirming with mirth against his body would have made Lupin breathless with delight. He'd have leaned down to whisper into her ear.
"Are your eyes open?"
"Yep," she'd have nodded, still sniggering.
"Watch," he'd have whispered, and held his hands out a few inches in front of her chest, "This is what I would be doing if I could touch you,"
He'd start to hold and fondle imaginary breasts. Bloody Camelot , Tonks would have thought, that was erotic. Watching what he wanted to do to her, being unable to physically feel it but imagining the sensation. Lupin would be kissing her face, and his breath would have been coming increasingly heavy and warm near her ear. His voice would have got gruff as he mumbled words between kisses: "wife," and "beautiful," and, "love," and "incredible". He'd be pressed against her from chest to knees, and then he'd have wedged his knee between her legs for her to rub herself against. She'd wanted to close her eyes and tip her head back against him, yet she'd also want to keep watching his elegant hands at work on her imaginary breasts.
"Nnf...Remus," she'd have managed to breathe, "Do you want to...do you want to go to the bedroom?"
Lupin would have raised an eyebrow and pointed out that Teddy was asleep in the bedroom. Tonks would have known that while that was true, what her husband was meant was that he didn't want to go to the bedroom- he wanted to shag on the living room floor. He'd hardly ever wanted anything like that before, though it wasn't a huge shock now, because he'd become much more enthusiastic about sex over the last year. Work and a new baby left intimacy a rare occurrence, but when they did have the time and the energy, Remus would have enjoyed it more than he ever had before. He wouldn't have felt a sense of shame lingering in the back of his mind. There was nothing shameful about this. This was not, as he had once believed, an act of indecency or violation. How could there be anything indecent about recreating the act which had created their son? It as the opposite of dirty- it was pure. At times it seemed almost sacred. This was not violating his wife. This was honouring her. Worshipping the body which had, in their son, given him the greatest gift imaginable. It was his privilege to be with her in this way. Sex would have felt like a celebration of their love and the fact that they were alive.
There'd also be a thrill in relearning each other's bodies. Lupin would have put on weight, so she'd have had to get used to how heavy he was on top of her now (he would have been concerned about squashing her). Tonks would have appreciated feeling the alien bulge of new muscles in his arms. His jaw and cheekbones would have been less defined, too, and when Tonks rubbed at hand down his body she'd notice that Remus' stomach protruded out further than it had before. In photos of him as a child, he was tubby and round. Tonks would have wondered what he'd look like if he kept putting on weight and became chubby, even fat. A fat Remus would have been difficult to imagine, like imagining him with ginger hair or an extra nose. In the gory history books, her dad's family would have bought her a child, Tonks had read about how, hundreds of years ago, plumpness was a sign of affluence. A fat belly showed being able to afford food to gorge on. She would have liked looking at Remus and thinking about that. Knowing that he finally had enough food inside him, that she would always be there to take care of him and keep him healthy.
Tonks would be struggling more with her own changing body. She'd have lost most of the pregnancy weight, but her body would have felt flabby and puffed-up. Parts that used to be easy to morph were now more difficult. The pirate ship tattoo above her hip had stretched, and no matter how hard she tried, she could never morph it back to the way it looked before. Teddy would still be breastfeeding, which wouldn't just make her breasts leaky and painful, but her back and her arms sore too. This would have been inconvenient yet also exciting for Remus. It would be a thrill to deal with these new developments, to experiment (Lupin would have refused to use this word, and would have blushed scarlet if Tonks had used it with him) which what each other wanted. Tonks would have felt happier now that their sex life was less transactional. Now, she'd have been assured that he'd tell her if he wasn't enjoying it or wanted to stop. She didn't have to keep observing him and checking if he was alright. She could relax.
It wouldn't have been perfect. Remus would still have refused to have the lights on. Tonks would still have to coax him to say more than a few mumblings, and he would still find dirty talk mortifying. His problems getting hard would still occur (though now he'd believe her more when she promised that it was fine). Lupin still would have been embarrassed to talk about sex or say what he wanted, so Tonks struggled to calculate what he'd consider doing and what was a non-negotiable no. Plus, sex wouldn't be that often anyway given the baby's presence and the exhaustion he created. Sometimes they'd try to start and then one of them would end up too tired to carry on.
But tonight it would have happened. They'd have rolled over and over on the carpet- her on top, bouncing around on his lap while she panted his name, and then he'd flip them over, pinning her hips with his as he writhed against her. She'd have been loud, which would have made him laugh, and he'd have been able to laugh through it by then.
Afterwards, because Lupin still disliked being naked for long, she'd have summoned the blanket from the sofa to cover them while they snuggled up together.
"That was…." Tonks would have sighed contentedly, "You're just…wow,"
Lupin would have lifted an eyebrow. "I am wow?"
"Totally wow," she'd have beamed, nuzzling his neck, "Remus Wow. Professor Wow,"
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks,"
"What?"
He would have dipped his head to stamp a kiss on her shoulder. "Never mind. You're right, Nymphadora Wow,"
They'd have lain there happily for a few minutes, getting their breath back and beaming. Then Tonks would have said, "S'pose we'd better hope that you've haven't knocked me up again,"
Lupin would have sat bolt upright. "What? I thought you were taking the contraceptive potion?"
"We've been busy, I might have skipped a couple of days,"
"Tonks! Not again!" he would have groaned.
She'd have let the look of panic flash over his face for a few moments before bursting into giggles, "Kidding, of course I didn't skip it. Not now I know how unreliable your prophylactic charms are,"
She'd have pinched his bicep and Lupin would have exhaled heavily with relief, then he'd have started chuckling too.
"Your face!" Tonks would have cheered, spluttering.
"You are the worst,"
"You believed me!"
"I nearly had a heart attack!"
And then they would have been guffawing together on the carpet, unable to stop.
