Mecidation
He was sitting in that favourite spot of his, on the porch off the kitchen. He could often be found there, reading or thinking or scribbling in his notebook. Once, Tonks asked Remus what he was writing in his notebook and he'd answered that he wasn't writing, he was drawing.
"Show me," she'd asked.
"It's not very neat,"
"So what?"
Remus had handed his notebook over, and Tonks had seen that he'd been sketching a drawing of one of the receptionists at the Ministry. A wiry, smiley old man who everyone from the Order had to sneak past on the way down to the Department of Mysteries. He was a snazzy dresser and had a big, creased face. He looked like a character from a cartoon, so it was no wonder Remus was drawing him.
"That's really good," Tonks said, impressed.
"It's just practice,"
"So it's even better than really good. I didn't know you could draw,"
Although she knew she shouldn't have been surprised, because Remus had an array of random talents, which of course he never mentioned or showed off about.
He was in the same back porch now, jacket folded beside him, hands in his pockets. Tonks couldn't see his face, although he seemed to be looking at the sky. Some evenings, Remus can be found on the back porch staring up at the moon. Everybody always left him alone then. But it was morning now, and the full moon wasn't until a week away. She hadn't seen Remus since Tuesday and she'd found that she missed him even more than she expected to.
"Wotcher, Remus," she chirped.
He turned around and smiled his distractingly adorable smile. "Hello,"
"Can I sit?"
"Be my guest,"
He budged up to give her room on the porch step, and Tonks sat down beside him.
"What you up to today?" she asked, taking a big slurp of coffee from her flask, "Thinking great thoughts?"
He was always thinking clever stuff. Not pretentiously but in a compelling, refreshing, sexy way. Although when the words were out of her mouth, Tonks worried if it sounded like she was taking the piss.
"Actually, I was thinking about Mundungus," Remus replied.
That was a rogue answer. When she first met Mundungus, Tonks had been curious about his origin and his work for the Order, and what he actually did all day. She'd pestered Mad-Eye and Sirius for gossip, and was irritated when neither of them could give proper answers. Mad-Eye distrusted Fletcher even more than he distrusted everybody else, and Sirius didn't seem to care about him. Dung's distrust of Mad-Eye extended to Tonks, too, so he was surly and grumpy around her. Lots of the Order did disregarded his presence unless necessary not to, and Fletcher seemed to prefer it that way. It was unusual, then, that Remus was sitting ruminating about him. But it also wasn't unusual because Remus was Remus, and he was thoughtful and observant and he had time for everybody.
"Didn't think he was your type?" Tonks mumbled. What was Remus' type? All she knew was that Sirius was, once, although the way Sirius talked made it sound as if what happened between him and Remus was just mucking about. Sometimes Sirius needled Remus about girls, too, but Remus batted away the teasing, and Tonks knew she'd be showing her hand if she asked Sirius about it in private. Remus' mysteriousness made him even more fascinating.
"He mentioned on Thursday that he's lived in Bolivia. What was he doing there, I wonder?" Remus posed.
Of course he was thinking about that.
"Nicking gold, probably. They mine gold there, don't they?"
"That's a good point. Optimistically, I was hoping it had something to do with Magizoology,"
"'Cos Dung is famous for his interest in animals?"
"There's a lucrative black market for foreign animals,"
"Hang out at the pet shops on Knockturn Alley a lot then, do you?"
"Do you?" he returned, raising an eyebrow at her.
"Occasionally have to go to Knockturn Alley to check nobody's doing anything dodgy. Which obviously they are," Tonks explained, "So they get a stern look, and us quietly promising to let them get away with it because we need to pop back next week to buy something the Ministry needs,"
"Capitalism in action," grinned Remus. He began to stand, "Excuse me a moment,"
"What're you doing?"
"I need to heat up a potion,"
Ah, right. The Wolfsbane potion. Tonks knew that he had to take it in the days before the full moon, to stop his transformations becoming violent. Remus still turned into a werewolf, but Wolfsbane meant he could keep his human mind. He spent full moon nights asleep in the cellar at Grimmauld Place, with Sirius for company.
"Do you want me to-" Tonks offered, wanting to help, but he stopped her.
"I'll do it,"
Remus stood the rest of the way up, knees crackling (Tonks resisted the instinct to wince), and stepped around her into the kitchen. He opened the top cupboard and reached up to take out the bottle. Wolfsbane was expensive and difficult to get hold of. Sirius made a song and dance about the fact that he was ordering it for Remus. The potion was sent to Kingsley's house, and Kingsley would bring it to Grimmauld every month. Tonks had accidentally walked in on him handing it over to Remus in the kitchen in August. Back then, Remus being a werewolf had freaked her out. Nowadays she didn't think about it so much, as if she did it was with intrigue and sadness, not fear.
Remus poured out the potion into a measuring jug, and took a pan off the wire rack on the wall (it was a death-trap, that rack. The wire hadn't been cut properly, so Tonks was always nicking her fingers on it. She remembered getting a cut off the rack when Remus was in the room, and being scared about bleeding near him).
"How long does it take to heat up?"
"Couple of minutes. It needs to be piping hot," Remus explained. He poured the potion from the measuring jug into the pan, lit the hob with his wand, and put the pan on top. Then he leaned against the counter. There was a bit of a beam on his lips.
"What are you smirking about? Do I have something on my face?"
"No," he answered, "It's just that I like taking the potion,"
"Don't you say it tastes rank?"
"It does. But it also tastes of having control over my condition. I know that I'm not going to hurt anybody on Thursday night. It's a tremendous relief,"
Remus considered for a moment, then added more quietly, "I can't begin to describe what a relief it is,"
"I'm relieved you're going to be safe," Tonks told him.
"Yes. That too," he conceded. There was a knife left out on the counter, and Remus tapped it to transfigure it into a spoon, then gave the potion a stir.
"When did you first have it?"
"My first full moon when I was teaching at Hogwarts. It was wonderful. I heard about the Wolfsbane potion for years, even seen it in shops, though I doubted I would ever take it myself. If I am honest, the promise that Severus would be able to concoct the potion for me was a large factor of why I accepted the position at Hogwarts,"
"You knew it would only be for a year," Tonks put to him.
"Of course," Remus shrugged. He gave the pan another stir. Then he said, "The wolf had never slept before. I barely believed that it would, and yet I woke up on my office floor when the sun rose, and it had been asleep all night. It was..."
He tailed off, then caught himself and added in a different tone, "I apologise. I don't know why I'm telling you this. What were we talking about before?"
Tonks ignores the question. "That's okay. I want to know. If you wanna tell me, I mean,"
There's loads she wants to ask him. Like: what's it like to transform? Do you remember every time? How much does it hurt? Have you ever hurt anybody? Killed anybody? What's your life been like, all of it? Where do you live when you're not here? Have you ever slept on the street? What are all the jobs you've had? She'd heard glimpses about his life, but the full picture was blurred. Remus had an impressive ability to be guarded while not seeming defensive. What's it like in your head? Do you think about me? Because I think about you. A lot.
"You don't want to hear on old man prattling on about his illness. What have you been up to?"
He had an impressive ability to turn a dismissal into asking her about herself.
"You're not old," Tonks objected, and when he shrugged abstractly she continued, "You're thirty-five! That's hardly old. Besides, if you're old that means Sirius is, and he'd be furious if we told him that,"
Usually joking about Sirius made Remus laugh. Now, though, he sighed again. "Sirius feels his age as much as I do. He just pretends he doesn't,"
"What happened to you being all cheerful about your potion?" Tonks grumbled. Why was he being a killjoy?
Remus shrugged again, and she rolled her eyes. His vagueness could be maddening, but it was still kind of sexy.
"Fine, you wanna hear about my day?" she huffed, "Did I tell you about that girl from Maintenance and her war with the bloke from Catering?"
"The ginger Catering bloke?"
"No, the Catering bloke from Dundee,"
"Oh yes. You've mentioned him,"
"He has this real rivalry with Candice from Maintenance, and today he hid- yeah, hid- her mop bucket. Hid it!"
It had been half-appalling, half-unbelievable, and totally hilarious.
"Why?" Remus asked.
"Because they hate each other. Nobody's sure why, but it's really funny,"
Remus took the potion off the hob and poured it into a goblet.
"Cheers," muttered Tonks, as Remus tipped his head back and downed it. She could tell that he was trying to look impassive, but he couldn't help shuddering as he swallowed.
"What's in it?"
Remus put the now smoking goblet onto the counter. "It's an extensive and complicated list. I'm not sure-"
"Remus, I make Triple Transfixion Tonic from scratch every week. I think I can handle hearing a complicated list of ingredients," Tonks interrupted. The Old Guard Order were constantly patronising her, as if she didn't know what she was dealing with or hadn't been paying enough attention. Sometimes she wanted to snap that she was sorry she hadn't been here last time, but she couldn't really help it on account of being eight years old. Old Guard Order were similarly condescending to Bill, though not as much, which was ridiculous because, no offence, but which one of her and Bill was an Auror? She felt especially irritated at Remus having said that, because he wasn't usually up himself like the rest of them.
There was pause. Then Remus said, "I meant it's so extensive I'm not sure if I can remember them all,"
Idiot, idiot, idiot. Of course he wasn't being condescending. "Oh. Sorry," Tonks mumbled. Idiot. Why did she always have her foot in her mouth?
"You'll have to ask Snape," Remus continued.
"No thanks! He hates me. He's never forgiven me for getting an O in my Potions NEWT,"
"Hmm," Remus hummed. Tonks wasn't sure what that meant. Were they still talking, or was that Conversation Closed? It was difficult to tell with Captain Ambiguous. He was probably cross with her for snapping at him, which was understandable. Tonks wished she could go five minutes without saying something dumb.
Remus' sleeve had been rolled up to his elbow, but one of them had flopped back down. He rolled it up again, He flicked a cleaning charm at the pan and the glass, then rinsed them in the sink, dried them, and used his wand to send them back to the cupboards. Tonks wondered if Remus was the sort of person who did the washing and tidying up straight away, or it if was because he felt like a guest here. Acting like a guest in the house he was mostly living in was very Remus.
"See you later, Tonks," he murmured, drifting out of the kitchen.
"You can have your porch back," Tonks said hurriedly, "Didn't want to nick your spot,"
He was there first. And she didn't want him to be relentless polite and accommodating around her. But she also wanted him to stay with her.
"It's not a problem. I have some work to be getting on with,"
"Stay here a minute?" she asked. Please don't be cross with me. She saw the puzzlement in his eyes, and answered the question before he could avoid asking it, "I like talking to you,"
I like loads of stuff about you. I don't reckon you know how interesting you are, or how bloody hot it is that you know so much.
Remus looked more baffled then ever. Which was satisfying. The baffled expression hovered for a few moments, and then he smiled. It was faint, but it was certainly there. Remus came back over and sits down beside her.
"So," he said, and that distractingly cute smile was less wan now, "Where were we?".
