Ulteriorly
He's an incredible husband. He always thinks of her, even in a crisis like this one. Once they'd got to Mum and Dad's house, found out what had happened, patched them up, brewed Penriginous Draught, and got them into bed, Remus had walked Tonks into her old bedroom and held her as tight as he could and told her he was sorry that this had happened. She cried, and he promised that he'd look after her now. Having Remus look after her has never made Tonks feel weak or needy. It makes her feel safe and cared for and loved. Remus had let her cry for a bit, then led her downstairs and fetched her a glass of water and a plate of pink wafers. She was still wearing the dress she wore to the wedding, so Remus gave her his jacket, and they snuggled up together on Mum and Dad's sofa. He rubs her shoulders, kisses her forehead and promises that he's here for her. Tonks wishes he'd been this sweet and attentive when she told him about the baby. Instead, Remus had been appalled and aghast. Now's not the time to talk about that though, given what's happened to Mum and Dad. She burrows her face into Remus' shirt, enjoying its texture. The feel of his shirts and jumpers make her at home anywhere, and it makes her feel safer even on a day like this when the Ministry has fallen and her parents have been tortured. He's unbelievable; composed and practical and calm and tender.
And then he ruins it.
"We need to talk about the baby,"
Tonks pushes her face further into Remus' chest. "Not now,"
She can't do this now. The dread that snatched hold of her insides when Kingsley's patronus arrived at the wedding had lessened a little, so all she needs now is to be curled up quietly here with her husband, calming down from the night's terror, and ready to attend to Mum and Dad if they need anything. The pregnancy news had to be stuffed in a box for the wedding anyway, and even more so now.
"No, now," Remus persists, "I know you've been through a lot today but we don't have much time. You have to get rid of it, Dora,"
"I don't have to do anything," she growls, willing Remus to shut up.
He peels her off and shifts away, and Tonks wants to both pull him back into the cuddle, and thrust him away from her.
"With the Ministry overthrown, everything will change. We'll be under surveillance and you won't be able to work. We can't have the baby,"
"Can we talk about this in the morning?" Tonks pleads.
"The shops will start closing down. We might not be able to get hold of a Termination Libation soon. We have to act quickly,"
He can't let it go for tonight, he can't just hold her and take care of her. Tonks grimaces.
"I don't need a Termination Libation," she says, slowly and clearly.
"Yes, you do,"
"I don't-"
"It's not-"
"I want to have your baby!"
"That's a conversation for a later date," Remus acknowledges, in that maddeningly placid tone which makes Tonks feel like he's a professor telling her off, "You can't decide to have this baby now,"
"I feel like I have decided," she retorts. Remus of all people knows that the future isn't a certainty, so you have to make the most of things that come your way.
He stares at her intently; a long, scrutinising look. Then he says, "How can you be so bloody selfish?"
She wasn't expecting that. She doesn't reckon he's ever sworn at her before, and he doesn't chuck out accusations like that, and the acidity in his tone stings. That was all probably intentional, he's trying to make his point by shocking her, and Tonks refuses to give him that satisfaction.
"Selfish?" she snips back, "You're the one who keeps bossing me around. Didn't realise I married such a chauvinist,"
"Then you won't want a child with me, will you?"
"I do, because I know you're not really like this and you're just frightened and shocked after tonight,"
The real Remus is wise and warm and amazing, and he's buried under layers of anxiousness and misery.
"I am frightened and shocked because I want you safe, and I know that having a child with me will put you in terrible danger," he says. He rubs his hands across his face and croaks, "Please. I am begging you,"
He looks almost tearful. Remus is never tearful. Tearful Remus is even rarer than Sweary Remus or Acid-Tongue Remus. Tonks' initial reaction is to panic, since she doesn't know how to handle him like this. Then she feels flooded with sympathy, because he must only be crying if he's really upset.
She lays a hand on his shoulder, "See, you are in shock. You're exhausted,"
"I'm not!" Remus hisses, wiping his eyes with his hand, "I'm angry that you're not listening to me,"
"Because I've heard everything you've had to say a million times. Why did you even want to marry me if you were just going to keep up your litany about how crap you are?"
Why did he even want to marry her? When he gets like this, Tonks really wonders why, and the worst part is that she can't work out the answer.
"This is about you, not me-"
Tonks laughs hollowly, "Everything in our marriage is about you,"
"Can't you see how much danger we'll be in? You of all people should understand what it'll be like now the Ministry's fallen?"
"I'm keeping our baby, Remus,"
"Ours. Mine as well," he presses, looking queasy at the admission that the child is half his, "Shouldn't I get a say?"
Tonks doesn't know how to answer that. Remus has a point, because if she wanted to get rid of it and he was begging her not to, she'd be livid.
"Let's talk in the morning. I don't want to fight now," she murmurs. Doesn't he understand that she doesn't have the capacity to deal with him like this right now? How can he expect her to, after her parents have been tortured barely a week after Mad-Eye's died?
"We're not fighting,"
He's being obtuse, and Tonks can't help but snarl, "We're not fighting, we're not having the baby. Anything else you want to tell me isn't real?"
He stands up and paces a couple of times Tonks fires a silencing charm at the ceiling. Clearly this is a fight, and they can't wake up Mum and Dad.
Remus turns to face her. "Please. Please, I don't know what else to tell you. Please go to Diagon Alley and take a Termination Libation tomorrow,"
"I've got stay here and look after Mum and Dad,"
"I can do that,"
Tonks snorts disdainfully. Mum's barely wanted Remus to touch her tonight.
"Your parents will be much less furious having me look after them for a day then if they find out you're having a werewolf's child,"
"D'you want me to get rid of it just so Mum doesn't get angry with you?" Tonks asks, unsure if this is a joke.
His voice is grave and controlled: "I want you to get rid of this because I love you very, very much, and I know that this will cause you harm,"
It's never just "I love you" with Remus. There has to be a "but" or an "and". Because "I love you" isn't enough for him.
"Do you really not want this? I thought when we got married we were starting a life together," Tonks pleads.
"Start a life for us. Not create a new one,"
"God, stop being so pitiful. This wasn't the plan, but it's fallen in our laps now,"
"What if something happens when you're pregnant?" he asks, and Tonks hates that his tones makes the question more of an enquiry than a demand, "You won't be able to run or to fight,"
"Evidently you've never read Duellers and Doulas,"
"If you truly want children, that's something we can talk about later," he says, as if offering a generous compromise, "Not now,"
"What if there isn't a later? We're at war,"
"Every second we spend arguing, it grows. We've got to sort this out as soon as we can,"
It grows. He speaks about it as if it's a cancer.
"We should go to bed," Tonks announces, "What time is it even?"
They're both shattered and in a state. They need to go upstairs and squash into her old bed and just be quiet and close and together and asleep. There was leftover sleeping draught they can both take to make this dreadful night over with. Everything will seem clearer in the morning.
"Listen to me," rasps Remus.
"I'm worn out from listening to you. I'm worn out from you wallowing in self-pity. Everything's a problem with you, never a solution,"
"There's a solution to this,"
Tonks stands up. "If you don't go to bed I will,"
He takes hold of her wrist. "Answer me this. Why? Why do you want this baby?"
"Because it's going to be ours. After everything, don't we deserve something we made that's ours? Don't you? I think you're completely fucking perfect, you deserve another you. The world deserves another you. You keep saying this wasn't the plan, but did we really have a plan? I didn't. I just know I love you more than anything. I don't want to throw anything with us away, ever. We've got to grab this and make the most of it. It's not going to get in the way of the war, because it's what the war's about,"
Remus pressed his knuckles into his forehead. "It's going to be a werewolf. I know it,"
"You don't,"
This is theā¦the bad stuff in Remus' head doing the talking. He has bad stuff in his head and it's hardly surprising given everything he's been through. Sometimes the bad stuff is louder, and it hurts because she hates Remus being upset. It hurts because Tonks thought she helped him deal with the bad stuff. Merlin knows she wants to help him with it, because it's the stuff in Remus head which makes their relationship difficult far more than him being a werewolf.
"You know you, and me, and us," she adds, "Isn't that enough?"
Her voice cracks mid-sentence because she isn't sure that it is. Her love isn't enough for him. She isn't enough for him. She's put everything into this relationship. There've been times in the last year when Tonks has felt sapped empty from the effort needed to be in love with Remus. The bad stuff in his head is a brick wall and no matter how hard she kicks at it, no matter how many cracks she manages to force, the wall can't be tumbled. What else can she say to make him believe her? What more can she do to get through to him?
Tonks rubs her eye with the ball of her hand. She's cried loads already this evening, and the man who held her when she sobbed before is now the reason she's crying again. This morning she kvetched at Remus to compartmentalise, and even now he can't or won't do that. He's supposed to make her feel better, but he's making everything worse. It isn't fucking fair- her parents have just been tortured but she's having to reassure her husband, and argue with her husband, and she's crumbling with the fear that perhaps she isn't enough for her husband. Remus dominates everything. And Mum and Dad are traumatised and Mad-Eye's still dead and Remus still hasn't answered the fucking question. His hands are still pressed against his skull and it doesn't look like he's giving her an answer anything soon. Tonks stands up and slopes upstairs to her old bedroom. She's waited so many times for Remus' replies and for his moods, and she can't wait again tonight.
She looks at herself in the bedroom mirror. This morning, doing her make-up and fixing her hair in the mirror at home, she allowed herself to imagine that today would be fun. She'd gossip with Ginny, dance with assorted Weasleys and their hangers-on, catch up with Charlie, and feel like a real couple with Remus. Instead, the Minister for Magic has been assassinated. Bill and Fleur ended their wedding day in an interrogation. Remus was goaded by the Death Eaters (which he'd remained entirely calm about while Tonks was using all her Auror Mental Resilience training not to go ballistic at them. She doesn't care what people say to her about him. It was her choice to marry him and she's proud of it. Remus had no choice about being bitten and, worse, he believes he's all those vile prejudices people have about werewolves. It sickens and enrages her when anybody says those things to and about him, because it only reinforces his self-loathing). Harry, Hermione and Ron have disappeared. And Tonks has barely been able to process any of it because look what's happened to Mum and Dad. They'll recover, but that isn't the point. Tonks has both used the Cruciatus Curse, and had it put on her. Imagining Mum and Dad having "crucio" put on them makes her want to itch her skin off.
Everything will change now. Her job, her family, the Order, the world. This is the worst-case scenario, code red, activate emergency protocol. The Death Eaters are winning. They've won. The Ministry are no longer fighting to preserve the status quo. Now, it's the Order versus the tyrants. They'll be living in a totalitarian state. The Order can't protect everybody. So many people are going to die.
Tonks puts her hands on her stomach. The baby will be with her in this bewildering new world. She can't save everybody, but she can rescue her kid from growing up in Voldemort's dictatorship. This is one person she knows she will keep safe. This baby is going to live.
The point of fighting is not only to protect children like this one, but to let them grow up unthreatened and free. Her obnoxious little chancer got itself conceived against all odds, because it wants that future. The whole thing is so unlikely that Tonks reckons she'd be crazy to take a Termination Libation. She knows plenty of witches who've taken the potion after a mispronounced charm or a drunken mistake. At Hogwarts, there were rumours about girls sneaking secretly down to Madam Pomfrey for it. Tonks knows from TV and her Muggle family that Muggles can do it too, although it's more complicated and intrusive. A Termination Libation is speedy, nothing gory happens, and apparently you don't even feel anything. In plenty of other circumstances Tonks would have gone to the apothecary and taken one already. But those circumstances are hypothetical, and this is reality. In this real life which is changing so fast, she won't abort the baby. In the middle of chaos and despair, she's been given an incredible opportunity. Darkness everywhere, and this baby is light.
She wishes that Remus could see the light too.
