Author's Note: Thank you, Chrissie 42, for once again taking the time to read and leave another very kind review on this story of mine. I really appreciate that. And thank you to anyone else who may silently be reading this, too; I appreciate it all.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Keeping true to her words from prior to the therapy appointment, despite the exasperation, Franny drove on the freeway in leu of the hospital where their father was said to have been. The entire drive was spent in silence, though that time Nicky joined Lorna in the backseat of the car. She interlaced their fingers together as soon as they sat down and kept them like that until the vehicle finally came to a stop in a spot in the parking garage. Franny exited the driver's side, clearly not in the mood to wait for the teens as she'd already started walking down to where the elevators were located.
Left alone with her girlfriend right beside her, neither one budged from their spots. Lorna sat with her eyes glued to the view outside of the windshield straight ahead of her. Of course, now, all that was out there was another car parked opposite of her sister's. She felt a puff of air building in her lungs and expelled it rather deeply. The hand that held hers squeezed it even tighter, giving her a silent gesture of reassurance. Quickly, she averted her eyes from the window and over to Nicky.
"You know I'm not mad at you, yeah kid?" The redhead broke the silence with her tenderly asked query. Her eyes were soft as they peered down at Lorna. She watched her meticulously, using her free hand to cup warmly around one of her porcelain cheeks. There were faded tear stains clearly evident on the flesh of her face and it quickly formed a tightness in Nicky's chest to see such. Nothing pained her more than to see her girlfriend so blatantly suffering and yet refusing the help she so adamantly needed.
The gentleness in her tone instantly reignited the guilt from earlier. Slowly turning her head so that the pair of them were in direct view of each other, Lorna swallowed uneasily at the intense softness radiating from Nicky. She felt she hadn't deserved any of that after the agony she caused both she and Franny during her therapy session only an hour ago. A lump molded into the pit of her stomach, the physical manifestation of the overpowering guilt that appeared to be consuming her a lot more than not, recently.
She nodded her head when she realized it'd been a few minutes since the other had spoken out. "Course', hon. But I guess it's obvious Franny's real mad at me. She didn't even wait for us," Lorna stated once she found her voice again; she threw her hands up in emphasis of the last statement she had made. It didn't make that much sense to her as to why Franny was the one upset with her when she was the one who dragged her there against her will, without even telling her that was where they were headed.
Nicky threw her arms protectively around the brunette's waist, pulling her so that she was sitting on her lap with her head resting naturally against her chest. She leaned her chin back behind Lorna's hair and let her lips stroke lovingly over the top of her head. "No, doll, she's not mad at you either. We're just really concerned, that's all. We both want to be here for ya and help ya but it's hard to do that when you seem so unwilling to let us, ya know?" And that was only the harsh reality of it all, she inwardly acknowledged. They couldn't properly help Lorna when she clearly didn't seem to want it. That realization, alone, made her chest ache even more. The idea of willingly allowing her girlfriend to suffer caused a sickness to build in her gut; she loathed that thought.
"I'm not unwilling, I just—I don't need help with anything, hon. I'm okay, everything is fine. I mean it's just my dad, he's been a little mean but-but he'll get better," Lorna tried to convince the older girl. She reached her hands cautiously up to wrap around Nicky's cheeks, brushing the tips of her fingers along the outline of her face. "I really hate that—how worried I've made you, hon. I love you and I just want to make ya happy."
"You know what would really make me happy, doll?" Nicky warmly inquired, using a hand to soothingly brush a strand of loose hair from Lorna's brown eyes.
If I was skinnier and prettier. Lorna shook her head at the mental comment that quickly flooded her mind, despite her deeming it truth. She swallowed thickly, shaking her head once more, while returning the redhead's heated stare. Her fingers kept the gentle stroking of her cheeks, all she craved in that moment was to nurture and care for her Nicky rather than to ponder one more second on the therapy or any of the negative events of the day before. "What would make ya happy, hon?"
No matter how frustrated Lorna's resistance had the capability of making her, her exceedingly gentle nature was so much stronger and instantly morphed any remnants of frustration into love and affection. Nicky tightened her arms around the waist she embraced, leaning her forehead against Lorna's. Lips pecked delicately over the tip of her nose. "What would really make me happy, sweet Lorna, is if you'd be honest with me. Let me help you, take care of you for once," she huskily stated, her breath warm on the brunette's face. Her index finger tucked a wave of brown hair behind Lorna's ear.
Lorna swallowed a rather large lump in her throat. Such words instinctively warmed her insides, made her eyes feel watery, her chest feel tight. Yet, the voice in her head assured her that she certainly didn't deserve any of what Nicky was offering her. Though, on the outside she wanted desperately to accept Nicky's offer, to throw her arms around her and move on a more positive path with the one girl she loved, her mental voice echoed louder that she wasn't deserving of what she wanted, wasn't worthy of it. How could she be when she was fatter than even a baby elephant?
A sigh escaped her as she focused her eyes down on the floor of the car. She loathed that her inner voice was right, that she wasn't worthy or deserving of anything nice. And, even if she was, sooner or later Nicky would get tired of her and leave. She felt frozen sitting there with Nicky's arms so warmly, affectionately, around her. It was the one embrace she always so highly craved. Yet, now, she was sick with herself for ever making the redhead want to show her any love. She was only infecting Nicky with her sickness by continuing to do that.
Nicky rapidly took notice of the tears that very silently, almost in a sneaky fashion, fell from the brunette's pale cheeks. She used her thumb to lovingly wipe them away. Another soft kiss she pressed on the tip of her nose, using her free hand to cradle around her face. "What are you thinking, baby? What's the matter? Please talk to me. Be honest with me, I love you," she murmured, her tone merely desperate for Lorna to open up to her.
"Nicky," the brunette shakily said, not able to stop the tears that freely fell from her distressed eyes. She hated herself even more for not being able to do what her girlfriend so frantically wanted of her. Her mouth opened, yet, she struggled to get any further words out. A pang formed in her chest, she knew that was what she deserved for causing her sweet Nicky all of this pain—all the agony and stress. "My Nicky," she tried again but couldn't form anything else besides her name.
To see Lorna struggling so strongly to form a response only deepened the ache in Nicky's own chest. The hand that she had framed so delicately around her cheek, she brushed the palm of it softly around the flesh of it. "Lorna," she softly whispered back, nuzzling their foreheads affectionately together. "It's okay. You, you don't have to be this scared to tell me whatever it is you want to. I love you. I love you so much, Lorna, and I'm not going to judge ya for anything you tell me. Is that what's scaring you? Are you scared I'd think less of you?"
Nicky brushed a strand of hair from Lorna's eyes and soothingly kissed her forehead in multiple areas.
"Nicky, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," was all that slipped from Lorna's trembling lips. The tears finally consumed her, gradually turning into sniffles that she could no longer stifle. The pang in her chest morphed into heaving sobs that she no longer had the ability to control. She felt like the whole car was suddenly sitting on top of her body, rendering her paralyzed as she sat there in her girlfriend's arms blubbering without the ability to stop herself.
Taking Lorna's head in her hands, Nicky pecked her forehead once more before gently laying it onto her chest while engulfing her arms around her trembling body. She pressed her body against Lorna's as she cradled her close, hoping the slight pressure would somehow calm her enough to stop the violent shaking and tremoring. "Shh," her voice hushed warmly into the brunette's ear, she rocked her softly while combing a hand tenderly through brown waves. "Shh," she hushed again and with her arm that was tightly held around Lorna's waist, she used her hand to rub comfortingly up and down her back. The sobs intensified, yet the shaking subsided a slight amount. Nicky continued to apply gentle pressure by allowing their bodies to naturally press up to one another. "Shh. You're safe, you're safe. I've got ya, Lorna. I have you, my sweet Lorna."
Massaging her fingers tenderly through Lorna's scalp, Nicky nestled their bodies even closer. The only thing that, in that moment, appeared to bring her sufficient comfort that it lessened the trembles. "Shh," she whispered at the heartrending sound of another sob. Her lips rested on the top of Lorna's head while her fingers continued to stroke through the hair that spilled from it. "You're allowed to lay here with me and cry, doll. I'm here; I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Let it all out; let all of it out, Lorna."
Sputtering on her own spit, Lorna uneasily opened her puffy eyes to return Nicky's gaze. She let her mouth open but the trembling of her lips stopped her from saying anything. The whole ordeal made her feel weak. Emotionally, mentally, physically. She was a weak, cowardly, human being. And fat, too. Her breath hitched in her throat only to heave out another body-shaking sob. She wanted to move from the warm embrace of her lover but she was too weak to do so. Everything in her ached.
Nicky shook her head and tightened her arms, peering down at her with love in her big brown eyes. "You don't have to say anything, baby, just cry. Let me snuggle you, yeah? Just cry and snuggle in my arms, Lorna," she softly cried out, pulling the younger girl even closer. Letting her chin rest on top of Lorna's head. Her hand cradling behind it, hugging it to her chest. The one place she knew she could keep Lorna safe, where she could make sure Lorna felt loved and wanted. Where she, herself, felt needed.
"Raw," the brunette rediscovered her voice, the word describing her current state to a T. Everything felt raw. Her throat, clearly from all the crying, her emotions, her physical being—it was all raw. She swallowed, it was almost painful from how raw and dry it had been. "I feel raw, hon." The sobs faded into sniffles. She finally felt control over her body again and she shakily reached her hands up towards Nicky's face, letting them rest on each of her cheeks. "Everything," she whispered, breathless from all of the emotions that just spilled out of her, "everything feels raw."
"I know," Nicky acknowledged, tilting her head slightly as she gazed affectionately down into Lorna's teary eyes. "I know," her voice repeated, she reached a finger to gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "You can be raw with me, Lorna. I want you to. You never have to be afraid to let any of your emotions out in front of me. I love you. I love all parts of you, kid. Are you, are you okay now? You wanna lay on me a little longer, just until your breathing calms back down?"
Having Nicky's arms around her gave a certain sort of security that Lorna never realized she needed before—or that she was missing from her life. It was a sense that her body craved, yearned for, but her mind contradicted that and tried its hardest to convince Lorna while she may feel like she needed that safety, she undeniably hadn't deserved even an ounce of it. Tears only continued to fall from her eyes at the thought. She felt it pulling rather heavily on her heart. Guilt, adoration, shame, warmth—so many swirling emotions coursed through her veins at once. It was almost suffocating how much she felt all at one time. Breathing seemed near impossible.
Watching her girlfriend struggling just to take in a few breaths instinctively caused Nicky to strengthen her hold on the girl. A crack in her chest, she felt, to see how much Lorna was truly suffering in that moment. She swallowed a bit of saliva and let her eyes shut for a miniscule second. The world was crashing down on the two lovers. That was what it felt like, anyway, Nicky thought. She rocked them both gently, resting her chin atop Lorna's head while peering out through the window. A few people walked by with a wailing child right behind them, she observed. Her head shook at the sight. The child probably stood there wailing over something meaningless as she sat in that car consoling a wailing Lorna, who had legitimate reasoning for her tears. If only little tykes like the one on the other side of the window knew how easy they had it, the redhead mentally affirmed. She huffed out a breath and refocused her awareness on the shaky girl in her arms.
Minutes went by before either teen said anything. Lorna finally felt the sobs die down a sufficient amount that she was able to properly inhale air back to her lungs. She pushed herself slightly up so that her face was directly in front of Nicky's. A tenderness emanated from her big brown eyes and Lorna's heart swelled. Her cheeks were sticky from all the tears, she swallowed uneasily. The affection Nicky had for her was something her mind convinced her she hadn't deserved. Hadn't been worthy enough for such a warm sensation. Too much had been done to her, too much had been taken from her and she wasn't prepared to burden her precious Nicky with any of that.
Sucking in another, deeper, breath, Lorna reached her hands—much steadier hands now—up to cup very softly around the older girl's cheeks. "I-I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you in my life, hon. You, you're my angel. I can never thank you enough," she murmured, voice somewhat raspy from all the crying she'd done. Despite that fact, however, she gradually moved her face closer to Nicky's and naturally allowed their lips to brush together. It was the only thing that she could think to do that might possibly express just how deeply she meant each of those words that only moments ago came from her mouth.
The sensation took Nicky temporarily by surprise but rapidly she found herself returning the kiss with the same natural tenderness. A slow, sweet kiss that lasted a few moments before she lovingly broke it, pulling away slightly so that she could cup her hands over top of the ones resting on her own cheeks. "I say the same thing about you every day, Lorna," she informed the brunette, her voice breathier than usual as she let her thumb caress slowly over the knuckles of her lover's hand.
"You're my angel. You have no idea how much having you in my life means to me, kid. Really," Nicky continued, pressing her lips warmly over the flesh of Lorna's temple. Her eyes grew serious once more as she peered into the younger girl's. "Are you able to talk to me about whatever it was that made you breakdown like that? I—I just want to help you, doll."
The query instantly had Lorna clammed up. She swallowed a lump, shifting her eyes up and down as she tried to piece together a coherent thought. "I, um, I think we should probably go catch up with Franny before she worries. Or worries anymore."
Nicky sighed but didn't budge from her position. "You don't have to pretend in front of me," her voice assured in a hushed murmur. She patted the hand she covered over Lorna's delicately and decided her suggestion was probably for the best. "I guess that's a good idea, kid, she's probably wondering where we are. We can pick this conversation back up later, yeah?" Her thumb pushed a loose piece of hair softly away from frantic brown eyes.
"I love you," the brunette responded back with; the only words she could form without having to obsessively think about them.
A sigh escaped her at the comment Nicky made; it dug a deeper hole in her chest to hear how severely the older teen seemed to want to be there for her. Nicky seriously was an angel, she said to herself. An angel that she was not worthy of. Not in the slightest. Nicky didn't need to be burdened with her or her petty little problems, she believed. Nicky didn't deserve any of that. She was too sweet, too loving, too pure for Lorna.
Lorna covered up the ramping thoughts with a smile, very gradually lifting herself from the warm embrace of her sweet Nicky. Her sweet Nicky who she desired to keep at a distance from all the darkness that seemed to be taking over her life. Nicky didn't need to inadvertently take on any of her own darkness or pain, she affirmed, that wasn't her burden to carry. She swallowed a wad of saliva and pushed the whirling mental conversating aside so that her mind could focus on the current reality once more.
Following the brunette out from the open door of the car, Nicky abruptly stopped once they were standing out in the parking garage. Her eyes widened at the remembrance that she still had forgotten to reach out to Red to advise her of where she'd been. Guilt quickly overrode her at such an acknowledgement; she reached in her jacket's pocket for her phone. Flipping the screen up, she noticed there were several missed calls from the very Russian matron herself and felt the guilt tear through her even more.
"What's wrong, hon?" Lorna softly inquired when she noticed the shameful mien molded onto the taller teen's face. Her eyes deterred down to the phone in her hands, automatically coming to the conclusion that Nicky had never called Red to inform her that she was spending the night at her place the evening earlier and clasped her hand over her mouth. The realization only added to her own sense of guilt. She was the culprit for that, she assured herself, she shouldn't have allowed Nicky to drive her home after school to begin with and none of them would be in their current predicament.
"I'm an idiot and forgot to call Red last night, now I have a bunch a missed calls from her. I better call her real quick," Nicky pointed out while dialing her maternal figure's number.
The brunette instinctively cringed hearing the girl she loved insulting herself. A frown melded on her face as she let a hand rest on Nicky's shoulder while she seemed to be waiting for the line to be picked up. "You're not an idiot, honey," her voice murmured quietly, allowing her fingers to caress delicately up and down the shoulder she held her hand against.
Nicky felt a small smile form from the corner of her lips, peering her eyes over at Lorna while she waited through the rings. There was a noticeable warmth flowing through her chest and into her veins, she cupped a hand around a porcelain cheek and gave it a soft pat. Finally, she heard the line pick up and a very thickened accent greeted her on the other end.
"Nicky, finally, thank god," Red immediately commented once she clicked to accept the call.
As soon as the sound of her phone ringing hit her ears, she had turned her attention away from the bulky computer screen and rummaged through her handbag until she had the culprit of said sound in her hands. The worry she felt with not having heard from the young girl—who she'd taken under her wing much more now since she'd moved in—subsequently before school had ended the previous afternoon was almost unbearable. The pang that'd been in her chest had now eased away. Her Nicky was okay.
"I totally forgot to call last night and let ya know I was staying with Lorna and her sister, ma. I'm so sorry I made ya worry for so long," Nicky answered back, guilt easily noted in her voice. The last thing she wanted was to disappoint one of the few people in her life that she truly cared about. She swallowed thickly and felt the hand on her shoulder squeeze it in comfort. An appreciative glance she threw towards Lorna, nodding to her.
Sipping her mug of tea that she had prepared only moments before her phone went off, Red let out a breath of air and rolled her neck slightly from one shoulder to the other. It wasn't that she was mad or upset with Nicky, more so worried and concerned that she hadn't reached out sooner. But that was just her nature as a mother to worry for those she loved. She shrugged to herself and took another sip of the warm liquid. "It's okay, honey, I'm not really mad at you. I just wish you'd have called me last night but there's no sense in dwelling on what can't be changed, huh? How come you and Lorna aren't at school though? Is everything okay with you girls?"
Leaning her back against the metal of the car behind it, Nicky reached a hand up to run through her thick curls. She shifted her feet beneath her as she thought of how to explain what occurred the prior evening without giving her surrogate mother a heart attack right then and there. It wasn't like anyone was hurt—anyone who mattered, anyway—just more of a mentally traumatizing ordeal, she concluded.
"Okay, before I say anything, promise me ya won't panic too much, yeah?"
Red stifled an unnerving chuckle at such words. That couldn't be a good sign, she thought. "Well, that's a comforting start," her voice uneasily pointed out. "Are you two in trouble or something? What did you do? Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid, Nicky. I don't like the sound of not panicking too much."
Lifting her head in an upward position, Nicky let her eyes peer up at the ceiling of the parking garage she and Lorna were in. A sigh made its way out of her at how frantic the older woman already sounded. She couldn't imagine how much more she'd be after being told of the whole Mr. Morello and gun debacle that took place the prior evening. A drop of water fell from the cement up above, landing directly on her face and she rolled her eyes in irritation. She reached her hand to wipe the droplet off of her cheek.
"We're not in trouble," Nicky gently assured right off the bat. She peeked her eyes momentarily over at her girlfriend, who stood a few feet away to give her a little space but was watching with tender eyes of her own. "There was a little incident last night with, um, Lorna's dad. He, erm, he was kinda drunk and was just trying to scare us with a gun outside."
A little incident, the words repeated in Red's mind, with Lorna's father and a gun. She squinted her eyes, trying to piece everything together so that she could properly comprehend the situation. Another sip of tea she took, more harshly than needed, while placing her free hand onto her forehead. A sickness lurked inside her at the thought of a gun being anywhere near Nicky or Lorna. What the hell kind of insanity had ensued the previous evening at the Morello household, she wondered furiously.
She clasped a hand over her mouth. Lorna's father had been drunk…with a gun in his possession and two young teens in his presence. Oh god, she thought, he could have fucking killed them both. Anger instantly boiled through each one of her veins at such a heartrending realization. She gritted her teeth together, "Are you and Lorna okay? Are you both safe? Where are you girls?"
A tightness formed in Nicky's chest at the clear apprehension that so easily oozed from Red's voice through her frantic interrogation. There was nothing she loathed more than to cause any of her loved ones any amount of panic or concern. It hurt to be the reason for their justifiable pain, she reasoned. "We're okay and safe, ma. He didn't even shoot at us, I think he was just trying to spook us really. And anyway, I drove her and I to her older sister's place immediately after," she quickly informed the other, hoping to ease some of the worry she had to have been feeling.
"Okay, okay," Red breathed out, her heart-rate slowing back to a more normal rhythm. Even though the incident was certainly despicable and dangerous, she found solace in knowing that the man hadn't been shooting at the two girls in the very least. "Are you two still at Lorna's sister's place now? I just wanna know where you're at, Nicky. And did any of you call the police after it happened?"
"Yes, ma, the police were called. Everything's taken care of now. But we're, erm, at the hospital right now, actually. Mr. Morello was brought here and Lorna wanted to see him—"
"No, Nicky, I don't want you anywhere near that man after he tried to shoot you girls. He could have killed you both," the Russian matron rapidly interjected her surrogate daughter before she could even finish what she was saying. "Don't you dare go in whatever room he's in, you hear me? I don't feel comfortable allowing that. And I don't think it would be wise for Lorna to be near him, either."
Such words easily displayed the sheer amount of care that Red had for her, Nicky acknowledged with glistening eyes. Her heart swelled up immediately at the stern, yet loving, tone in Mrs. Reznikov's voice on the other end of the phone. The stern, loving, tone that was directed at her. Something her biological mother never ever had inflected in her own voice when speaking to Nicky, she recalled. The moistness from her eyes hit her cheeks and she became aware that she'd been crying. No one besides Red and Lorna had the ability to make her cry, she quickly realized.
Nicky cleared her throat to distract herself from the falling tears and inhaled rather sharply. "It's okay, ma, nothing's gonna happen. Lorna needs to see him for her own piece of mind and I can't let her go in alone. But I promise ain't nothin' gonna happen, yeah? We're in a public hospital and he's in liver failure so I don't think he'll be trying to get up to attack us," she did her best to reassure the blatantly distressed school nurse on the other end.
"I do, however, really appreciate your concern, ma. I, uh, I love you."
That was the first time Red ever heard those three beautiful words come from the young redhead's mouth. It instinctively caused a mistiness to build up in her blue eyes. She swallowed a decent amount of saliva and closed her eyes tightly, taking everything gradually in. From the moment she met young Nicky the first day of her ninth grade year, there was a maternal connection between the two. So, now, to have Nicky living with her and telling her she loved her—it swelled up her heart with the utmost warmth and affection. There was nothing she had craved for more, in all her life, than to have a daughter and now, she had her sweet Nicky. And to think that last night all of that could have been so easily swiped away from her, oh did that enrage her like no other.
She sucked in another breath and pushed through the anger. "I love you, too, darling. That's why I'm not fond of the idea of you going in that damn room with that man. But I know you're right, he can't do anything where he is now. I just don't like it. He could of hurt you and Lorna, that son of a bitch, or killed you and I am pissed. When he gets outta that hospital, he better pray he's going to jail. Because if he's not, he'll be getting a visit from me and that'll make him wish he was in jail instead. I don't let anyone hurt the people I love and care about," her Russian accent thickened with each word she spoke, the angrier her tone the thicker her accent. But she didn't care—no one hurt her girls and got away with it, she angrily thought. She hoped for Mr. Morello's sake that he was going to jail after his release from the hospital because she couldn't promise she wouldn't show up at his doorstep if he didn't get hauled away to an encaged cell.
