Chapter Forty-Five

To assume Nicky was shocked to hear her girlfriend—very hard-headed girlfriend at that—merely admitting that she was probably not okay would be quite the under assumption. She cautiously made her way up behind the shorter teen and naturally allowed her arms to encircle around her waist, pulling her closer in the process. Her lips instinctively found their way onto the flesh of Lorna's forehead, pressing warmly against it. She rested her chin gently overtop of the other's head and brushed the tips of her fingers lightly along the sides of Lorna's abdomen.

It was a step in the right direction for Lorna to allow such a comment to slip out as she had only moments earlier. Relief poured through Nicky's veins to hear her girlfriend's highly gradual acknowledgement of not being exactly as okay as she once claimed to be. That showed her that Lorna was slowly coming to terms with things in her life being the way they were without looking at everything through a selective lens. Another tender kiss she pressed over the flesh of her forehead.

"Well, doll, what are you feeling right now?" The question simply fell from her mouth. She released her hold around Lorna's waist, moving her hands to frame around her face instead so that their eyes were able to meld together. With their eyes soaking intensely into one another's, Nicky easily noted the tears subtly sitting at the bottom of Lorna's nearly threatening to spill out.

Red watched the pair of them and held up a hand, waving it at them to gesture for them to come sit back down at the table. "Why don't you girls have a seat? I'll put on another kettle of tea and we can discuss what you're feeling, Lorna." Once the teens abided by her words, she made her way back over to the sink to retrieve the tea-maker and refilled it with enough water to prepare three cups with.

Sitting in the chair right beside the youngest person in the room, Nicky slid a protective arm around her upper body and pulled her closer so that her head was resting directly on her shoulder. Her lips naturally made their way to the top of her head, pressing down on it in a soothing kiss. She let her hands stroke soothingly through her dark brown waves of hair in the hope of bringing Lorna some form of comfort.

Instantly, having her girlfriend's arms securely wrapped around her, Lorna closed her eyes out of instinct and gradually allowed herself to relax into the warm and comforting embrace. There was nothing that felt more natural and compassionate than the affection she received from her beloved Nicky. Affection she hadn't necessarily believed she earned or deserved. How could someone such as herself ever be worthy of being loved by someone—who Lorna deemed—as perfect as Nicky? A sigh escaped her at the questioning thought that ran through her mind, however, she refrained from voicing anything on the matter aloud.

Rather, she wrapped her own arms around the older teen's neck and nuzzled her face closer against the warmth that radiated from it. The query that came from her girlfriend's mouth only moments earlier repeated itself in her mind. What was she feeling? A question Lorna hadn't been entirely sure on how to answer. Because the more she allowed her thoughts to ponder on it the more she realized how she truly had no clue how she was feeling in the right now. Maybe that was her response right there—she wasn't feeling anything.

"Numb might be the best way to explain what I'm feeling right now…or what I'm not feeling, technically," the only appropriate reply that Lorna was able to muster up. One that was honest and described her current lack of feeling to a T.

The response only encouraged Nicky to tighten her arms around her shoulders, which automatically caused Lorna to be pulled even closer against her body. It was only the most natural sensation in the world for Nicky to have Lorna in her arms—for their bodies to be merely melded together as if they magically became one person. A tightness formed in her chest and it certainly hadn't been because Lorna's head was resting over it. No, it was the recollection of Lorna's subtly mentioning that she—Nicky Nichols—was her soulmate that happened to be the culprit of said tightness.

Of course as she sat there, eyes peering down at the blatantly drained brunette who rested on her chest now, soulmate talk surely wasn't a topic that should be brought up. So, for the time being, she swallowed her emotions regarding the memory and focused her mind on the present situation. A hand she reached up and used to gently comb through her girlfriend's dark brown waves.

"Numb, huh? That's understandable after everything that's happened lately, kid. You've been dealing with a lot—I think anyone would feel numb with all that ya got going on right now," Nicky gently pointed out, letting her eyes gaze lovingly down into Lorna's. She placed her thumb on the bottom of the younger teen's chin and caressed it soothingly. If the tables were turned and she was put in Lorna's situation, numbness would definitely be a sensation she'd experience as well.

The kettle beeped, momentarily halting the conversation, and Red hurriedly went to grab it from the base to stop the obnoxious sound from continuing to boom through the room. She poured the hot liquid into the three mugs she already had set out before placing three tea bags separately into each of the cups—another plain one for herself and the apple cinnamon for both Lorna and Nicky. Now that they were all properly prepared, she carefully put them on a serving tray and carried it over to the table—setting them on the surface of it in their respective places.

Reclaiming her spot from earlier, Mrs. Reznikov cradled her hands around her own mug and peered across at the two teenagers with an inquisitively arched eyebrow. "What else are you dealing with, Lorna? Is there more going on than just the incident with your father and being in foster care?" The question was asked between sips of her tea. Blue eyes looking between the teens with a searing volume of curiosity pouring through.

Both girls shared a look, Lorna one of reluctance and Nicky one of compassion. Nicky cupped her hand lovingly around the brunette's cheek, caressing the tips of her fingers along the length of it. She could easily see by the expression that was molded on her face that Lorna was in no mood to mention anything on the matter of her mother. Seeing that only formed an ache in her chest. A breath of air expelled from her lungs as she contemplated whether she should give the answer or just wait for Lorna to feel ready enough to bring it up on her own.

"Ya know, kid, it's okay to tell ma everything that's going on," Nicky softly assured her, combing a hand soothingly through her hair. Resting her forehead tenderly against Lorna's. "Ma's a good listener; telling her what happened will only benefit you in the long run, doll."

Nodding agreeably with her surrogate daughter's comment, Red brought her mug up to her mouth and sipped it savoringly. Her eyes shifted from Nicky onto Lorna, observing her closely as she tried to read what she must have been feeling. Though her eyes were busy watching the petite Italian teen, her mind wandered with thoughts of what else the poor girl could have possibly been dealing with. Wasn't it enough that her father had chased the two of them with a gun and now she was living with a strange family? What was even worse than that?

"Of course you can tell me what all is going on, sweetheart. I want to help you as much as I can. Now I understand it's not easy talking about painful things but I can assure you that being open will make you feel better in the long run," Red's head nodded with each word that she spoke. She felt a sigh force its way up from her lungs and through her windpipe. Pain and keeping it all inside was something she was all too familiar with—a reason she was so adamant on wanting to be there for Lorna and help her to open up about whatever else she was going through at the moment. A hand was reached over to be placed comfortingly atop Lorna's hand.

Having two people sitting there with her, both who appeared so willing to hear her out and just generally be there for her was a rather foreign concept. Despite her older sister's concern, having spent the majority of the past several months under her father's roof with him alone, the only thing Lorna was accustomed to was his drunken rages and abuse. Maybe that was the main reason she felt so resistant towards anyone who ever offered her any comfort or affection or even only a genuine listening ear.

A deep breath made its way through her larynx. There was a slight part of her that had the urge to share the news of her mother with Red, but there was a larger part of her that thought enough had already been done. She shared too much with too many people and shouldn't also pull the school nurse down into it as well. However as she looked up to discover both sets of eyes on her, she found keeping herself quiet on the matter to be that much more of a challenge.

Lorna swallowed thickly and reached her hands for her cup of tea that had been sitting in front of her for too long without being acknowledged. Her lips covered around the rim of the ceramic object, sipping the warm liquid slowly and with finesse. The tea ran through her esophagus and throat, leaving a soothing sensation in its wake. "I, uh, I don't—my mom, she-she," it felt near impossible to form a coherent sentence regarding the passing of her mother.

Another sip of tea was taken, whether to procrastinate her response or to help her configure a response that wouldn't fumble about in her mouth was unknown. "My mom, um, erm, she uh she uh." The words sat on the tip of her tongue but Lorna couldn't find the strength to get them to fully escape her. Her breathing fastened while the rate of her heart-beat increased at a rather alarming pace.

To watch her struggling so significantly just to get the words out broke Nicky's heart tremendously. She cradled her hand around the back of Lorna's head maneuvering it to lay over the top of her chest. Her lips made their way atop her head and pressed down on it in a loving kiss. "It's okay, kid. I know it's hard for ya to talk about it. Just take a minute to catch your breath, yeah?" Another soothing peck was stroked over the younger girl's head.

Burying her face against the warmth of Nicky's chest, Lorna bobbed her head up and down somewhat. It took her a few moments of keeping herself hidden in her girlfriend's embrace before her breathing returned to a more normal rhythm. She exhaled sharply and lifted her head once more so that she could refocus her eyes on the Russian woman across from her. "I-I, erm, I lost my mom," the words finally slipped from between her teeth albeit quicker than she originally planned.

"Good job, doll," Nicky murmured softly against the shorter teen's ear. She ran a hand delicately up and down her back as she tightened her arms around her body. That was the first time she recalled hearing Lorna, herself, mention her mom's having passed on since their meeting with Mrs. Mendoza at school the day before. Another positive step in the right direction, she believed.

The revelation came as a slight shock to Mrs. Reznikov. Her cup of tea was immediately set back onto its previous spot on the surface of her table. It took her a few swallows before finding her voice again. Empathy wormed its way onto her face; she released her hand from the mug and brought it across from her to rest softly onto Lorna's cheek. Now, all of a sudden, everything seemed to make sense to her. Lorna's demeanor, the absence of emotion—it all had to do with the grief of losing a parent. Her breath hitched in her throat at such realization—grief was a horrible, painful thing to have to endure and it broke her heart to hear that was what Lorna was dealing with on top of everything else.

"Oh Lorna, honey," Red began, moving her hand that was pressed into her cheek around it in a gentle stroking motion. No wonder she had been put in the foster system—it hadn't made complete sense until now. The loss of her mother and having an asshat for a father were two mishaps that would certainly cause any child to be taken away by Child Protective Services.

No one deserved to have to struggle through the pain of grief, Red mentally thought to herself. Especially not a child. A poor, sweet, young child who endured the loss of a parent. The thought alone was enough to tighten a knot in Mrs. Reznikov's chest. She shook her head distastefully—Lorna was suffering through the complete opposite of what she had suffered many years earlier. "I am so sorry to hear you've lost your mother," she softly stated, tucking a loose strand of brown hair behind her ear. "There is nothing worse than the grief of losing someone so close to you. When did she pass away? Was it right before the incident with your father?"

Lorna swallowed uncomfortably, twisting her head slightly around to peer up at Nicky. As if wordlessly asking her to help her come up with some form of an answer. Because right now the thought of stringing her own words into a sentence that actually made sense felt merely impossible. There were so many thoughts whirling through her mind that an ache quickly formed between her temples. The past few days had worn so heavily on her body, both physically and mentally. She felt like she could barely breathe let alone come up with the words to respond to Red's queries with.

Sensing the brown eyes of her lover searing into the irises of her own, Nicky sucked in a deep breath and framed her hands lovingly around each of her pale cheeks. She lifted Lorna's face a slight amount so that their eyes melded together. It wasn't hard for her to observe the obvious exhaustion that emanated from those of her girlfriend's. The sight formed a pang in her chest. "It's okay, doll, you can tell her when it happened. I know it's not easy but you're allowed to open up about it. We're here for ya, kid."

The brunette shook her head and grabbed almost desperately at the collar of Nicky's t-shirt. Her bewildered eyes seared into the empathy-filled ones of her girlfriend's. "I—the words, they-they don't—I can't make them come out, Nicky. Please help me. If I—If I talk about it, I'll cry and I—I don't wanna cry," she said in a lower voice so that only Nicky was able to hear.

Tilting her head, Nicky returned her gaze with soft eyes. A frown rapidly formed from the corners of her lips as she leaned her forehead lovingly over Lorna's. Lips stroked comfortingly atop the tip of the younger teen's nose. Hearing Lorna say that pulled heavily on her heartstrings. She could see the tears that lined the bottom of her eyelids, threatening to spill out at any moment but being sucked in by the quite evidently distressed brunette.

"But, baby, you're allowed to cry," the words softly made their way from Nicky's mouth that was still resting warmly atop the same spot on her girlfriend's nose. Her fingertips caressed delicately along the length of her cheeks. "Crying isn't a bad thing, Lorna. It's good to cry and feel your emotions—you've been keeping them in for so long and I don't think that's healthy for you." She averted her stare over to Red, "Right ma? It's not healthy to keep in your emotions, is it?"

Red shook her head profusely in response to her surrogate daughter's inquiry. She knew far too well just how negatively impactful retaining her emotions were for her mental health all those years earlier. One of the many reasons her husband was now her ex. And for a teenage girl like Lorna who was still not even close to being emotionally, mentally, nor physically matured the impact of refusing to work through her feelings would only prove to be even more detrimental for her health.

"No, my Nicky, keeping your emotions all inside isn't healthy for any person. But at your age, it'll only ware on your well-being even more because you girls are still not even fully matured. You're young teenage girls who already don't have the capability to think rationally and logically about things that are happening around you right now. So for you, Lorna, to not allow yourself to properly grieve for your mom—that will only stunt your mental and emotional health even further. You don't want that do you, honey? I know right now you probably don't care to listen to what an old hag like me has to say—believe me; when I was your age, I refused to listen to anyone who didn't agree with me either but I only say this because it's the truth and I don't want to see you suffer. Either a you; you're both my girls."

Mrs. Reznikov took a moment to catch her breath from letting all those words slip out without even remembering to breathe throughout the spiel. She grabbed for her cup of tea with her one free hand and sipped it to quench her parched mouth. After, her focus went right back onto both Lorna and Nicky. "Lorna, is this recent that your mom passed? I mean I certainly don't ever remember hearing you talk about your mom before but I also never asked since it wasn't my business. But now that I think about it, I find it odd that you never brought her up before. What happened to her? If you don't mind me asking that is."

Nicky looked at Lorna, waiting to see her reaction. Yet the expression on her face remained blank. The girl still did her hardest to hold back those tears that clearly wanted to fall. It broke Nicky's heart to see how hard she was holding onto the emotions. She felt her breath hitch somewhat in her throat.

"Ya don't have to keep up with that brave front, ya know? You're a human being just like ma and me, doll—and us human beings have these things called emotions for a reason. You can let them out," her voice huskily reassured the shorter teen. A frown was molded onto her face as she peered down at Lorna. Nothing formed an ache in her chest quite as much as seeing the girl she loved silently suffering like she so clearly was in this particular moment.

The encouragement, despite coming from a place of love and concern, only furthered the anguish that seemed to be heavily weighing on Lorna's heart. Part of her was yearning to give in and share everything with both ladies. The other part, however, was convinced that revealing what the two were asking of her would only burden them in the grand scheme of things. And burdening the people she cared about was not something she took lightly, not at all.

Instead, she averted her eyes from both of them and focused her vision on the teacup that sat on the wooden surface directly in front of her. The liquid was only half remaining, sloshing slowly back and forth around the mug. A sigh puffed its way from her windpipe. She loathed how much she truly, utterly, hated herself sometimes. It made opening up to anyone other than her sister quite the chore. Which only caused more agony for everyone involved, she mentally acknowledged. She wanted to open up to Nicky and Red but the thought of burdening them was almost overbearing. Enough to stop her from even opening her mouth.

A grave sigh escaped Nicky when she realized her girlfriend wasn't going to budge on the matter. Though her hands ran through thick strands of brown hair, her eyes gazed straight ahead into the dimming light right above the kitchen sink. Lorna really was the absolute most stubborn person she'd ever met. Even more stubborn than herself, which was crazy to her because she always deemed herself as the stubbornest person alive. Her head shook objectionably at such thought. Lorna's hard-headed nature would only continue to hurt her the longer she refused to accept any of their help.

The light above the sink flickered and inadvertently caused Nicky to refocus her attention on Lorna once more. Removing her hands from her hair, she cupped them on either side of Lorna's face. "Lorna, this isn't good for ya. Keeping it all inside won't make it go away. I know ya don't like talking about things that make ya feel emotional but the more you refuse the bigger the hole you'll be in, doll. I just—I want to help you through this and I think ma could really help too if ya just open up a little, yeah?"

Red observed the two with a somber expression melded on her face. Grief was a very intimate—very personal—thing that those who were suffering through dealt with in their own ways. At least that was something she learned through her own experience with grief. It tore at her for many years after the fact. The grief tore her family apart, caused so much stress and strain on the relationship between she and her husband that the only way they could move past it was to file for a divorce.

Grief wasn't something to be taken lightly or ignored. She knew that firsthand. For months she chose to go down the path of disregarding her own grief and that likely was the cause for why things between she and her ex turned sour. Why their family went from being tight-knit to now barely seeing her three sons other than around the holiday season. It still hadn't been a topic that she brought up with anyone outside of her family. Even years after the fact, Red struggled to come to terms with the loss they all endured that fateful day.

Though, now, as she sat in her kitchen with her surrogate daughter and her friend, and became aware of the grief that the younger of the two was currently going through, she sensed this was a time when touching on that subject would be of benefit to Lorna's own situation. Maybe hearing from someone who'd been through a similar experience might help Lorna reflect on what she truly was feeling right now. It was worth a try, at least, Red silently prompted herself.

After taking one last sip of her tea, Red finally found the strength within herself to speak. Her blue eyes peered back and forth between the two girls across from her. "I know what it's like to deal with grief, Lorna," she carefully started, moistening her lips with her tongue. Not just to rid them of the dryness but to also distract herself from the building emotions.

"This isn't something I talk about with anyone." A second pause was taken. Red swallowed, her throat suddenly growing tight. She forgot how hard it was to discuss the grief of her own loss. It was so long since the incident originally happened that she nearly lost recollection of just how much it hurt to bring it up again. "I never thought I would share this with you girls, but I think you hearing this, Lorna, could really be of benefit."

Clearing her throat, Red took another pause when she felt the tears forming in the bottom of her eyelids. She sighed and convinced herself not to hold them in. Hoping that if Lorna saw her freely allowing herself to cry then it would make her realize it was okay for her to do so as well. "Seventeen years ago I gave birth to a daughter," the revelation reared its way out.

Saying it aloud was enough to force the tears to spill over along the length of her cheeks. She felt herself slightly grimace at the sensation. "I was already a mom to three boys so I was more than excited to finally have a little girl. We had everything ready for her, I spent the entire month before she was born setting up her nursery and making sure every last inch of that damn wall was painted in fuchsia pink." She swallowed thickly, the tears falling even faster now.

"She was born and we had her with us for a measly year before she passed away from cancer. At her six month checkup was when the doctor noticed a swelling around her neck. A week later she was diagnosed with terminal lymphoma. The last half of her life she was in and out of the hospital. She may have lived a year but that poor baby only had six months of life that wasn't spent in agonizing pain. Cancer is something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy."

Tears blurred her vision now. She shook her head at the horrid memory. The mention of her late daughter left a bitter taste in her mouth. No matter how much time passed, she knew she would never truly heal from losing one of her own children. Would never truly be able to fully come to terms with her baby daughter's death. In her eyes, there was nothing worse than suffering through the loss of a child—a baby at that. And because of something as horrific as cancer? Her body shuddered at the horrific remembrance. Cancer wasn't an illness that anyone deserved to have let alone a baby. A baby who didn't even get to experience any of the joys of life.

Such a disclosure came as quite the shock to Nicky. To see the tears freely falling from her surrogate mother's blue eyes, oh, how that caused a deep knot to form in the pit of her stomach. Red was the strongest woman Nicky knew and watching her breakdown like she was now, that ripped her heart more than she ever thought possible. Without even an ounce of hesitation, Nicky jumped up from her seat and frisked her way to the older woman's side. Her arms were thrown tightly around Mrs. Reznikov's neck. She only wished that the embrace would ease away all of the Russian's sorrow.

"Oh, ma, I'm so sorry. That's, that's so awful ya went through something like that," Nicky softly whispered, resting her head gently on Red's shoulder. She turned her head just enough to be able to easily press her lips comfortingly against the flesh of her surrogate mother's dampened cheek. Her thumb touched where her lips previously had and wiped the tears lovingly away with it. To see either Red or Lorna in any amount of pain hurt Nicky more than anything else had the ability to.

On the other side of the table, Lorna watched the interaction between the two of them with attentive eyes. She felt her heart automatically sink at the mention of Red's losing her daughter. Especially when it was due to cancer, the very same disease that killed her own mother. Cancer truly was the most evil disease known to humankind, she deemed. Her body instinctively shuddered at the word cancer. There truly, in her mind, was absolutely nothing worse than cancer. Cancer needed to be abolished not only from the dictionary but from the entire planet. She'd do anything to make that actually happen. Because it was quite apparent from anyone she talked to recently that they, too, lost their loved ones from cancer. It was always cancer that killed people. Why wasn't cancer in prison already? Murderers were always thrown into prison and cancer was obviously a serial killer. Therefore the only place for cancer was behind bars like all the other killers.

Coming out of her thoughts, she swallowed the lump that had settled into her throat and held her gaze straight ahead. Suddenly, Lorna felt paralyzed as she sat in her chair. Why did every death she hear about have to be caused by the godforsaken cancer? The word alone had the capability of making her skin crawl. A breath of air tumbled out of her as she looked between Nicky and Red. No wonder Red had seemed so obstinate on getting her to discuss the passing of her mother—she had clearly suffered through her own bout of grief by losing her child. Though hearing the revelation formed a pang in her chest for the older woman, it wasn't enough to convince her to speak any further on the matter of her mom. It still hadn't felt like the right time. Or the best time. Another sigh pushed through. In the wise words of her older sister, there would never be a best time for her to ever be open about anything.

Yet, as she examined Mrs. Reznikov—who was letting herself fall apart at the horrendous recollection of having watched her own daughter, a baby, suffer through the agonizing pain of cancer and eventually die from that, Lorna couldn't resist from admiring the strength it must have taken her to be able to do that. Red was probably one of the strongest people she knew, right next to her older sister. Though Red was strong and now sat rightfully blubbering after sharing something heavily personal to her, Lorna couldn't find it within herself to display that same amount of strength. In her mind, Red was worthy of having people provide her with comfort—a hundred times more-so over her own self. She rationalized that it was perfectly okay for the middle-aged woman to break down because clearly, she was a good person with a good heart. On the other hand, she deemed herself unworthy of having that same right to allow her emotions to show themselves in the same way Red was doing as she certainly didn't find her own self to be a good person. Therefore she deserved no sympathy or affection from any of the people she cared about.

Pushing herself out of her mind, Lorna cautiously—shakily even—reached a hand across the table to place comfortingly over Red's hand that rested atop the wooden surface. "I—I am so sorry you lost your baby, Red. That's real terrible," her voice mumbled softly, almost inaudible. A breath of air forced itself from her lungs.

Red finally felt her cries subside and ease into faint sniffling. One arm wrapped securely around Nicky's back and the hand that had Lorna's covering over it, she squeezed it with the same amount of tightness that her arm held around the redhead beside her. The two girls' gentle actions naturally caused her heart to swell with a motherly love for the both of them. "Thank you, girls, you're both too sweet," she graciously found the words to speak, her voice slightly hoarse from all the crying.

She gave each of them one last comforting squeeze before getting up from her chair to grab a tissue off the kitchen countertop. Wiping her cheeks and nose, she breathed in a slow breath and peered gently between the teens. "It feels better to talk about the incident. I don't enjoy doing that, Lorna, and I'm sure you don't either but trust me when I say that opening up, even a little, helps with some of the pain. It took me a lot of time to come to terms with the grief but when I did, I felt a release of pressure."

Lorna nodded attentively. A release of the pressure would certainly be nice, she thought. Yet, having her inner-self constantly reminding her what a burden that would cause for those on the receiving end was always sufficient to silence her. She just couldn't fathom the idea of being the culprit of other's stresses. But it wouldn't hurt to at least only mention that cancer was the reason for Mrs. Morello's death, too, would it?

"Uh, my mom…erm, she uh she had cancer, too. When I was twelve—that was when, uh, when my sista told me. My mom had cancer. She had fucking cancer. Cancer is the reason I don't have a mom anymore."