Chapter Fifty-Four

Silence filled the room as Lorna sat blankly gazing over Nicky's head. Eyes peering at a spot on the wall like it would magically clue her in on how to go about responding to her girlfriend's discovery. Nicky, however, hadn't shifted her gaze from Lorna even an inch. She watched her stare at the wall with attentive eyes, patiently waiting for her to say something.

"What, uh, what do ya mean?" Lorna curved an eyebrow despite knowing exactly what Nicky meant. Maybe if she played dumb Nicky would eventually drop the subject and never bring it up again. Of course that was only wishful thinking—Nicky could see right through her and would most-likely point out to her how poorly she was trying to cover up what they both already knew was lurking on the skin of her private region.

The reaction shouldn't have come as a surprise to Nicky. Lorna was an expert at acting like she had no idea over things that they both knew she did. In fact, Nicky wasn't shocked at all to hear her girlfriend respond with a question. That was just her nature. Natural for her to pretend that she was all hunky-dory when it was obvious she was harboring some seriously dark secret. It frustrated Nicky to no end to witness it. A sigh came through her esophagus and she gently reached a hand across to frame around Lorna's cheek.

"I mean I saw faded bruises around your vagina, doll. And your thighs," Nicky whispered, not wanting any eavesdroppers to be able to hone in on what was being said between the pair of them. Though Lorna had moved slightly away from her seconds earlier, she used the hand she grasped around her cheek to carefully inch their faces closer together once more. They were so close that Nicky's breath hit right overtop the corner of Lorna's mouth. Her fingers stroking delicately around the flesh surrounding it.

The answer only formed a strong pang in Lorna's chest. Her eyes squeezed shut. Was there a plausible explanation she could give that would somehow get her out of this mess? At least for now, she reasoned. For now she just needed to keep the honest reasoning for those particular bruises hidden. There was enough being shared with Nicky that she hadn't felt ready for another thing to be let loose. She needed to retain as much control as she possibly could.

A breath of air expelled out. She opened her eyes back up and felt the imaginary strings of her heart being pulled on. The look on Nicky's face tightened the pang in her chest. She naturally leaned closer to her, letting her lips rest over the flesh of Nicky's forehead. "Oh, those marks," Lorna muttered, bouncing her shoulders in a leisurely shrug. Trying to come across as if she had just momentarily forgot about them. She brought a thumb up to caress lightly along the forehead her lips had just pecked over.

Squinting her eyes, Nicky peered back at the younger girl with a puzzling mien etched on her face. That wasn't an answer she'd anticipated to come from her girlfriend's mouth. And it did nothing to ease her nerves, either. She nuzzled her nose against Lorna's and cupped a hand tenderly around one of her cheeks. "How did those marks get on you, babe? Did someone do that to you?" The inquiries firmly whirled their way out, yet, with a loving tone mixed in there.

"Oh, no, no one did that to me. I, uh, I," Lorna hesitated, looking down for a second as she felt a heat rising within her cheeks. When she returned her eyes onto Nicky, a sheepish smile molded onto her face. If she was going to make up a story, she might as well do it whole-heartedly. That was certainly the only way for she to make it believable. "You're gonna laugh, hon, but I—when I was younger, I thought I hadda shave my entire down there area. And, well, that's kinda why I got old bruises and stuff there. I was a real stupid kid, ya know?"

Nicky skeptically nodded her head. The explanation seemed credible enough. However, she wasn't entirely sold on it. Lorna had a way of being a little too convincing when it came to getting out of discussing traumatic events she'd suffered through. It wouldn't astonish her if this was just another one of those stories that she was desperately trying to pawn off on her. She exhaled deeply, taking Lorna's face in her hands and allowing her lips to press onto the crown of her forehead.

"You're not stupid," was the only thing Nicky could say in that moment. There were so many thoughts and questions running through her mind that she wasn't able to come up with a better response. She reached for her coffee and took a long sip of it. Once the liquid was swallowed, she sucked in a breath. "Is that really why those marks are there? Even if what you're saying is true, doll, how would shaving cause bruising like that?"

"Of course what I'm saying is true, hon. I just I'm real bad at shaving. I always end up getting cuts from it. Plus I was like twelve when I tried shaving my private area, so, I was even worse at it then," Lorna nonchalantly muttered, swallowing down the lump that had formed.

She began to feel rather uneasy from all the questions Nicky had been bestowing upon her. As though Nicky had sensed something was sketchy with the story she'd given her; such thought only had Lorna move slightly backwards. If she pushed herself away from the older girl, the thought occurred, maybe that would somehow make Nicky believe her words. Probably an absurd thought to have, she acknowledged after the fact.

Bringing a hand up to rub at the back of her neck, Nicky felt a frustrated breath of air force its way from her throat. None of this should have been unexpected. She knew Lorna. Lorna didn't like admitting things that clearly harmed her. Nicky shouldn't have been so frustrated when Lorna was blatantly feeding her a story that simply hadn't been true. And yet, there she sat—frustrated as all hell. But she couldn't even find it in herself to take it out on the girl across from her. The girl who sat oblivious to her own inner pain and anguish. A maddening sigh inhaled itself through her nostrils.

Yet, before their conversation could continue, the sound of the bell above the door ringing interjected and caught both of their focus. Lorna was grateful for the interruption—she couldn't find it in her to keep answering the unrelenting questions that her girlfriend seemed to have tonight. However, when her eyes caught sight of the person entering through that door, she felt every last strand of hair on her body stick up as though she'd been zapped by an electric current.

The very girl from that damn party those couple of months earlier walked in through the entrance and slowly passed the two of them. Lorna bit down harshly on her tongue. So much so that it started to bleed and the blood coincidentally mixed in with her saliva. She watched the girl closely, staring daggers her way when she noticed her eyes lingering a little too long on Nicky. Her eyes shifted onto the redhead, who hadn't budged an inch other than to momentarily peek at what the culprit of the noise was.

"Lorna," Nicky finally regained her voice and softly called out her girlfriend's name. She wasn't going to let this conversation slide under the rug that was for certain. Enough was enough. This needed to be talked about because in her mind, it was very clear Lorna's explanation that was given wasn't adding up. "Tell me the truth. I don't believe that those marks and bruises are from shaving. They'd be completely gone by now if that's what they were from. That was three years ago, doll."

The brunette gulped and shifted her legs uncomfortably. A sigh escaped her and she shook her head at herself. Why did she not take the time to think things through before making up her stories? How could she let such a fact slip from her mind when trying to come up with a believable reason for those god-forsaken marks on her damned vaginal and thigh regions? She picked her cup up off of the table, sipping the coffee fervently. But that did nothing to help gather her thoughts.

Her eyes shifted over to the sales counter where that tater-tot girl from the weed-smoking party stood ordering whatever damn drink she liked. Probably some tater-tot flavored latte, Lorna pondered.

Nicky noticed the odd behavior, following with her eyes where Lorna was staring and felt a knot meld into the pit of her stomach when she realized who Lorna was looking at. That damn Shani girl from that stupid party, she grudgingly thought. Her stare returned onto Lorna and all frustration rapidly dispelled from her body. Hands reached across and framed onto either side of her face. "Doll, look at me. I'm worried about ya," she murmured no louder than a whisper.

Finally moving her eyes back onto Nicky, the younger teen sighed and bowed her head somewhat. "I bet she's gonna ask for a tater-tot latte," Lorna found herself spewing out through gritted teeth.

"Huh? Who are ya talkin' about, babe?" Curved eyebrows sat over puzzled brown eyes. Nicky squinted them as she looked her girlfriend over in a precise manner. A hard swallow when it dawned on her. Had Lorna somehow known about the Shani girl incident? She tried to remember if she'd ever mentioned anything about the encounter but she never did. Unless Lorna had somehow found that stupid piece of paper before Nicky tossed it in the trash.

Tilting her head slightly in the direction of the tall brunette down in front of the sales counter, Lorna subtly wagged her finger in that general area. Eyebrows shifted over her eyes. "That girl down there, Nicky. I remember her from the party—Miss tater-tot girl," she pointed out as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "She's probably tryna order a latte flavored with tater-tots, don't ya think?"

Nicky swallowed uneasily. Her hand found its way to the bottom of Lorna's chin, gently moving her face away from the view of the counter and back towards her own. Their foreheads pressed delicately together and she nestled the tip of her nose against the tip of Lorna's. "What do ya mean, doll? Ya talkin' about the same party where ya wanted to try smoking weed, yeah?" The memory of such brought a light-hearted chuckle out of her. She still couldn't believe Lorna went through with smoking it.

"Yeah, that's the one," the brunette mumbled.

She bit down on the side of her cheek from the inside of her mouth and pushed away as many of the swirling emotions as she could. At least the topic of their conversation wasn't on the bruising of her vagina anymore, she gratefully acknowledged. Even though she didn't like that damned tater-tot girl, having her as the topic meant Nicky wouldn't be pestering her with questions anymore regarding the marks. "I saw her checking you out, hon, when you were getting the weed. That girl," she paused to point her hand at the lengthy brunette who was grabbing her coffee from Alex, "was piling tater-tots onto her plate while giving you googly-eyes. Alex hadda hold me back from going to fight her."

A small chuckle innately sounded through her windpipe. Imagining her sweet Lorna fighting some random girl for her was about the cutest thing she'd ever witness, even if it was only a mental visual. Nicky used a thumb to caress across the flesh of her forehead and leaned closer to peck a soft kiss over her lips. "You were gonna fight her for me? Damn, kid, I find that kinda hot. And really cute."

Lorna's cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink at the older girl's statement. She distracted herself by taking a long, drawn out, sip of her coffee and ended up finishing it off. Eyes reverted back towards the girl, who now walked with a coffee in her hand—seemingly walking in their direction—and she felt her shoulders shudder a tad. They lingered on her for a few seconds. She swallowed uneasily and slowly turned head away, bowing it down so that her eyes were now staring at the pattern of the tabletop below.

It didn't go unnoticed Lorna's sudden change in behavior by Nicky, who sat opposite of her watching with heavily concerned eyes of her own. Though before she had the chance to question her on it, the slight heat of another body's rather slowly walking past her halted her from acting on the need she had to interrogate Lorna. Her eyes reluctantly shifted away from her girlfriend to find the culprit of such a sensation and when they landed on that damn Shani girl from the party, she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes right then and there.

"Good to know you come here," the Egyptian teen muttered in a rather low voice. A smirk sat on her face as she gave a small wink to Nicky, touching her shoulder with her index finger as she very leisurely made her way past. "Guess you lost my number, huh? Well, that's okay, I'm sure I'll run into you again, soon."

The sound of the door closing shut, seconds afterward, had Lorna's teeth gritting down into the flesh of her tongue. Despite the girl's voice mumbling, Lorna heard every word and was shocked to find out that tater-tot girl had given her number to her girlfriend. Who the hell did that girl think she was? Pushing herself roughly up from her seat, Lorna paid no mind to anyone else while frisking her way down the other direction—right by the sales counter and towards the sign on the nearby wall that had bathrooms displayed on it.


It was a one person restroom she realized when she entered inside and shut the door. She used her thumb to press down on the circular lock to secure it so that no one else could disturb her. The light had automatically turned on once she'd come in the room and she stood hovering over the sink to look in the mirror at her reflection. Rather, her sickly reflection. She shuddered at the sight of herself. Such a sight reminded her of why that tater-tot girl was so heavily hated by her. Because, clearly, tater-tot girl was much more attractive than she could even wish to be. Tater-tot didn't have excess fat around her face or on her thighs or fucking protruding out from her damn gut. No, fucking tater-tot was perfect. Lorna, on the other hand, needed a lot of help just to be even slightly presentable.

Anger seized through her veins the longer her eyes dawdled on her reflection in the mirror across from her. Disgust, nausea, and disappointment were the more dominant emotions that she felt in that moment. Seeing all the plump skin that surrounded her eyes, mouth, chin—it brought a sickness over her to look at. Maybe it was best Nicky went with the tater-tot lover, the thought crossed her mind unexpectedly. Of course, after, the thought only added to her anger. She pressed her hands against the rim of the sink pushing herself backwards in the process.

The mirror was taking up too much of her time—too much of her headspace. There was no sense in her staring any longer at it, nothing about her reflection would magically change into what she desired. She sighed and turned away, eyes landing on the toilet which was only a few feet away. Nodding slowly, Lorna made her way cautiously over to it. Knelt down so that her knees were resting on the cold tile of the floor beneath. Her mind contemplated for a moment—it wasn't like she'd purged that often in the past week. Rather she hadn't at all. She swallowed hard, bending her head slightly to peer into the bowl where the water was sloshing about.

All the anger, the disgust and disappointment, the uneasiness—all of that would rapidly dissipate the second she forced everything inside of her to come up and out of her and right into that toilet in front of her. It always did when she purged. That was one of the top reasons she started purging in the first place, she reminded herself, was to numb out whatever emotions were ailing her. Purging wasn't just about getting skinny, at least not in her mind. She grew to find the pleasure in making herself ill—which only made her even more fucked up than she already was, she acknowledged.

Eyes squeezed shut as Lorna gradually decided on giving in to the longing desire. Even though, now, with her head hovering above the toilet, she realized she had no tooth brush to use to get her gag reflex going. Son of a bitch, she angrily thought. She'd never purged without the damn thing. Her eyes reopened and landed on her fingers. People used fingers to induce vomiting, she knew. But the thought of sticking them in her mouth and possible vomit getting on them caused a small shiver out of her. Not only did that not appeal to her but the fact that her fingers might develop callouses which would be noticeable to other people made her hesitate even further. She certainly hadn't want Nicky or anyone else to find out about this. They'd try to stop her and she didn't want to be stopped. Purging made it all better. Made the grief of her mom less painful, the school bullying more tolerable, and numbed out whatever else she felt. Like hell she was going to give anyone close to her the chance to ruin any of that for her. She'd be damned to let her main source of comfort to be ripped from right under her.

Carefully, and a bit shakily, Lorna brought two fingers up to her mouth and inserted them inside it. She pushed them as far as she could until they made her gag and she felt the coffee she'd previously consumed come gliding back through her esophagus. The process was repeated until all that expelled from her was stomach acid. Which burned her throat and mouth as it came up. The sensation caused her to gag even more almost to a point where she had no clue if she'd ever be able to stop.

However, while she was in the midst of her episode, a loud—rather persistent—knock on the door interjected her and finally she found the ability to cease the purging. Her hand fumbled quickly to grab onto the flushing handle and once it was in her grasp, she pushed down with more force than was truly needed. She hoped the sound was loud enough to cover up the sounds of her vomiting. Though, at that point, it was likely too late.

"Lorna, doll, is everything okay?"

The warm, soothing, sound of Nicky's voice calling out to her on the other side of that door sufficiently brought a wave of guilt and shame over Lorna. Nicky was too good. Way too good for someone like her, she deemed. All she did was bring her down in her barrel of obscurity. She forced down a harsh swallow and used the handle of the toilet to hoist herself off the floor with. Feet padded their way to the sink where she sluggishly washed her hands and face, taking her time to make sure she left no remnants of what she'd just done.

"I'll be out in a sec, hon. Just, uh, just washin' my face. Please don't be worried."

Lorna swallowed a lump that sat at the back of her throat and splashed hot water in her face. What reflected back to her from the mirror above had her head shake in a distasteful manner. She wasn't good enough for Nicky. Nicky deserved someone with less problems in their life. Someone who wasn't so weak and pathetic as she, herself, happened to be.


Another two minutes went by before Lorna finished with her task and opened the door to find a vastly apprehensive Nicky standing opposite of her. Her feet shifted back and forth as she stood, shamed to be the culprit of such an expression on her girlfriend's face. That only confirmed to her further how unworthy she was of being with Nicky. Unworthy of the love and affection Nicky always gave to her. She felt as though all she gave in return was a quivering ball of anxiety.

Despite the troubling thoughts whirling through her head, Lorna pursed her lips into a smile and gently reached a hand across to place on the taller girl's shoulder. Fingers tapped softly against it. A guilty knot molded into the pit of her stomach when she remembered how she so ragefully got up from the table and left a, probably, highly confused Nicky behind. She did her best to ignore the sensation and focused on keeping the smile on her face appear convincing.

Nicky peered back at her with a searing intensity. What occurred only ten minutes earlier hadn't sat well with her. To think she was uneasy before, now she was uneasy times two. Two thousand more like it, she thought. A sigh escaped her the longer her eyes gazed Lorna over. Of course she noticed the smile that lie amongst her face. A smile, however, that Nicky wasn't believing to be a genuine one.

Sucking down on her lower lip, Nicky folded her arms over her chest. Her gaze held firmly on the shorter teen. "I am worried. Ya just ran here all angry and without a warning, kid," she told her, using her hands to subconsciously play out the details. Air expelled heavily from her lungs in the form of a sigh squeaking through her windpipe. "What's wrong? And what were ya doin' for so long in there?"

"I'm sorry, hon," Lorna recoiled her shoulders and felt her lips immediately release the smile they once curled into.

Instinctively her head bowed down a slight amount, eyes entranced with the pattern of the floor below. The query made her feel lousy for her previous behavior. Even though she couldn't resist the anger that Shani girl's statements boiled her with. A sigh escaped from her mouth. She hadn't a reason to be angry with that girl, she reminded herself. Tater-tot lover was most-likely a better fit for Nicky, anyway—clearly had the looks on her side and there was no way she had half the fucked up problems that Lorna seemed to have. Another expel of air. The thoughts ran through her mind comparable to a whirling tornado.

"I just—erm, I don't know. But I wasn't angry at you. Guess just angry in general but, uh, I'm all good now." The smile from earlier returned to her face, though, this time she didn't even try to make it substantial.

Lorna's response only had the other's head shaking.

Frustration—exasperation, even—melded onto the face of Nicky. Her hands were brought up to the sides of her forehead, squeezing tightly around them as if that would somehow take the frustration away. That, of course, did not happen. All it truly did was form a dulling ache between her two temples. "Will you please stop saying you're good?" Irritation seeped through her voice and surprised herself after the fact. Nicky bit down on her bottom lip, gazing unnervingly ahead at her girlfriend. "I'm sorry, kid, but it just bothers me to see you constantly lie to yourself and everyone else about how you're feeling. You're not good. Ya haven't been good since probably before we met, Lorna. Why do ya keep pretending?"

You're not good. You're not good at all. You're not good enough for Nicky. You're no good for her. Lorna's mind swarmed with variations of the words that Nicky had spoken to her only seconds ago. Not the words exactly, she acknowledged, her brain fixed them into their proper meaning. Technically, Nicky was right by saying Lorna wasn't good. She wasn't good. Wasn't good for Nicky, not good enough to be her girlfriend. Not good for her sister, not good for her father—probably the reason he abused her nonstop—and certainly wasn't good for her foster family. She wasn't good for anyone. So, she wondered, what was the point of her existence? Why did Lorna Morello need to exist in the first place? It wasn't like she did any good for any of the people in her life. Even when her mother was alive all Lorna did was cause her stress with the Uncle George incident. And maybe the reason that incident occurred at all was because of how not good she was.

The sound of a foot very slightly tapping on the ground was what finally shook Lorna from her mind. Clearly, she had to give a response and one that Nicky wouldn't find the holes in. She swallowed down the ball of saliva that had been piling up beneath her tongue and shifted her eyes up onto Nicky's. Who's big brown eyes seemed to be burning a hole into her own. "I, uh, what do ya want me to say?"

Nicky sighed and unfolded her arms so that she could frame her hands softly around each of the brunette's cheeks. Despite how frustrating Lorna could be, it blatantly wasn't something she'd purposefully done. Lorna, apparent in her eyes, wasn't accustomed to having someone who wanted to help her as much as Nicky did. She swallowed thickly while tucking a loose strand of brown hair beneath her girlfriend's ear. "I just want you to be honest with me, doll. You're not good right now, I can see that. You can't fool me. Tell me how you're feeling, please. What made ya angry?"

Having the gentle touch of Nicky's warm hands on the flesh of her cheeks had Lorna's eyes innately shut. Mesmerized by the sensation. A sensation that brought her an immense amount of comfort. An immense amount of warmth. She sighed. Nicky deserved her honesty, she knew that deep down. And, of course, the desire to be honest with her was there. She knew a relationship couldn't last long on lies and yet, she had no idea how to stop from lying. It wasn't like she wanted to lie to Nicky, to hurt her all the time, but she'd rather lie than have Nicky be burdened with the severity of her issues. Nicky didn't deserve to be stuck with all that shit. Shit that even Lorna had no idea how to handle. Why should anyone else be dragged down with her?

"Um, erm, uh," was the incoherent response that Lorna could all but muster up. It felt as if there were an internal battle taking place in her head. One part of her wanted to open up to the obviously perturbed Nicky while the other part wanted her to keep her damn mouth shut. No matter how she looked at things, there would always be one person who wasn't happy.

She tried to swallow down the contradicting thoughts and feelings. But that appeared to be impossible. They wouldn't stop. And Nicky was standing there waiting for some sort of answer. Lorna lifted a hand up to her head and used it to slick back her hair while she did her best to form an explanation in her mind. She longed for a sip of coffee to calm her nerves but remembered she'd already finished hers and thrown it away.

"I just—it's stupid, hon. It's real stupid why I was mad. I don't wanna talk about it because you'll just see how pathetic I am," Lorna muttered once she found her voice again. She shifted her eyes away from the redhead and focused them on the entrance door that—from where she was currently standing—seemed so far away.

Letting out a breath, Nicky's head tilted and an instinctive hand brought Lorna's face back towards her own. In a spot where their eyes were on the same level. The tips of her finger she allowed to brush gingerly up along the outline of a porcelain cheek. "Babe, first of all, there is nothing about you that is or will ever be pathetic. And second nothing that makes you mad is stupid. Please tell me what it is. I wanna help ya," her voice warmly, albeit firmly, commanded.

Eyes shut for a moment as a sharp huff of air pushed out through the younger teen's windpipe. "That girl from the party who was here getting that coffee—I heard what she said to ya, hon. And I just—I got mad over it. I'm sorry. How petty am I for getting mad about—"

Nicky hushed her by inching heir faces closer so that their lips naturally met in a delicate kiss. When it was released, she took Lorna's head in both of her hands and cradled it lovingly. To see how upset her girlfriend was over some random girl like that Shani showed her—in a rather twisted way—just how much Lorna valued her and their relationship. And that only warmed her heart, and made her tighten her grasp on the shorter girl.

Lips stroked onto the crown of her head. "Oh, Lorna, it's okay. Ya don't have to worry about her. She ain't even half the person you are," she murmured, twisting her thumb around a strand of brown hair. "I love you, baby, and only you. You're the most beautiful person I ever met and I could never love anyone as much as I love you. I mean that, doll. You're stuck with me."

The two shared a smile and Lorna snaked her arms tightly around Nicky's shoulders while resting her face in the crook of her neck. "I love you so much, honey."

Stroking her lips a second time over the crown of Lorna's head, Nicky nodded intuitively while simultaneously pulling her even closer. Chin rested on the top of her head and fingers raked tenderly through dark waves of hair. "I know, babe," voice warm against the head her lips still rested on top of. "That's why I get so frustrated when ya keep saying you're okay or good when you're not. But maybe that's something we can work on at your therapy appointment next week, yeah? I just wanna be here for you, kid."