Chapter Seventy-Three

Lorna's statement widened Mrs. Reznikov's eyes a tad bit. That wasn't something she had been expecting to come from her mouth of all people. Not that it was a bad thing, she corrected—no, she shook her head at herself, that was a good thing to hear slip out of Lorna. Hearing her say such meant she was starting to accept things in her life weren't always okay. Maybe, even, starting to accept that she wasn't particularly okay right now. It was a start, at the very least.

Her hand reached across to grab a hold of Lorna's once again and used her thumb to softly caress around the top of it. "Lorna, sweetheart, you're not messed up. Just because you're going through some shitty things does not mean you're messed up," Red firmly reassured the frantic appearing brunette. She tightened her hold on the hand resting in her own when she noticed a few stray tears leaking along Lorna's pale cheeks. An ache formed in her chest to see the young girl merely crying. Something she probably refrained from doing at all costs for god-only-knew how long.

Despite Red's attempt to comfort her with those kind words that were spoken, Lorna felt anything but comforted and reassured. She swallowed a lump and shook her head. Red didn't know her. She didn't know shit about Lorna, no one did. They didn't how deeply screwed the fuck up she was inside. And it wasn't any of their faults for not knowing—she refused to let them in on what was going on inside. Because she feared if she had that it would somehow fuck them up, too. The last thing she wanted was for the people she held so much love and compassion for to be caught up in her tangled web of fuckery. None of them deserved it. They were all way too kind and caring towards her to deserve to be brought down with her, she deemed.

Eyes found their way back onto the older woman sitting at her bedside. They effortlessly took in the expression on her face, seeing the warmth and compassion melded to it. Her observation only strengthened the guilt she felt. It was a never ending cycle of guilt and self-loathing. A never ending cycle of desiring to tell the truth to everyone but always losing to the unrelenting guilt. To the unyielding hatred towards herself. No matter how bad she wanted to break free of the pain, she knew she'd never be brave enough to fall through with it. Her self-hatred would always outshine the crippling inner pain. She would never feel deserving or worthy enough of anyone's affection or comfort. And she knew if she cracked and finally let the truth out that eventually it would lead her right back to her destructive tendencies. There was no way around it. She would eternally be right back where she was now—trapped in her own metaphoric hospital bed. The walls constantly caving in on her and the more she pondered on being open with Red and Nicky the closer those walls got to her.

The silence felt rather eerie to Red as she sat in her chair watching Lorna seemingly contemplate something in her head by the way her eyebrows microscopically moved about her forehead. It instinctively encouraged her to release the hand she was holding so that she could, instead, cup either side of Lorna's face in both of hers. Having it in them, she gazed softly into her dark eyes. Absorbing the pain that tried a little too hard to hide itself from anyone who looked. A sigh escaped.

"What's going on in your mind, huh? What're you thinking about?"

Lorna opened her mouth but shut it just as quickly. The sound of shoes scuffling against the tiled floor snatched her attention rather swiftly away from the conversation. Her head naturally twisted around in direction of where her ears had heard the noise and wasn't too shocked to find the culprit to be Nicky. The now groggily woken Nicky, she observed. She watched as the redhead stretched her body from one side to the other and she couldn't resist the smile that shaped onto her face.

Having heard muffled voices in her sleep, Nicky squinted her eyes the second they opened. After her body had properly been stretched she focused her opened eyes on the people those voices belonged to and gave a small smile to the pair. Since she'd been in a deep slumber during their discussion, she had no idea what they were saying or if the smile on her face happened to be out of place but she didn't let it falter.

Her eyes averted from Lorna to Red and she tilted her head slightly. "Ma, what're you doing here? It's only eleven in the morning, thought you'd still be at work," she asked, curving an eyebrow. But then she retracted the eyebrow movement, realizing she just inadvertently admitted to skipping school.

"Actually, Nicky, it's three thirty now," Red lovingly pointed out, throwing a soft smile her way and a little chuckle when she saw the shocked mien that appeared on her face after she'd heard of the truth. She threw up her hands, waving them playfully in the air at her daughter. "And now I know you skipped school, so thanks for telling on yourself."

Nicky frowned, deterring her eyes away from the older woman and onto her petite girlfriend still sat up in her bed. "It was for good reason that I skipped today, ma. Lorna needs me right now and I'm not leaving her."

A gentle nod was given to her and Red's playful demeanor hurriedly morphed into a more serious one. She brought both of her hands together and folded them neatly in her lap, giving an affectionate gaze over to the redhead teen. "Of course, my Nicky, I was just messing with you. I'm not mad at you for skipping school—in fact, I expected you to. I know how much you care for Lorna. It's good she has you here with her. She needs someone," eyes circled back onto the brunette, head shaking at the remembrance of the absence of the Chapmans', "since it's clear her foster family doesn't care for her or her health. What a sad, pitiful, shame that is."

The older teen nodded her head in agreement with her mother's statement. She, too, had felt bitter towards her girlfriend's foster family for neglecting to even have the decency to call and check on her. What kind of foster family willingly took in a child just to fucking abandon them when they needed to be cared for most? Her head shook in anger at the thought. The anger was enough to force Nicky up from the recliner and over to Lorna's bedside.

When she got there, she—without hesitation—perched herself on the edge of the mattress and wrapped a warm arm around Lorna's shoulders. The motion naturally pulled the younger girl closer. Her lips brushed against the top of her head. Eyes peered ahead at her surrogate mother as a sigh pushed its way up from her lungs. "I don't trust the Chapmans, not anymore. They should wanna be here to make sure she's okay but I guess they're just phonies," she commented, shrugging her shoulders. Her stare fixed down on Lorna, one hand lifting up to cradle around her cheek. "I'm so sorry, kid," she whispered with a disheartened frown on her face.

Air huffed out of Lorna as she mirrored Nicky's behavior with a shrug of her own. The Chapmans were the least of her worries, she inwardly thought. With everything happening, she couldn't care less that they weren't trying to contact her—in fact, she was grateful they weren't. She needed a break from them, anyway, because they were only making the problems worse. Despite having no clue about any of them.

Her head found its way onto Nicky's shoulder and she snaked her arms lovingly around her waist, cuddling as close as she could to her. Craving the closeness and the warmth her body provided. The innate security and safety. "S'okay, hon. Really. I'm not bothered by the Chapmans not coming. I rather them not, honestly—they're too much. You don't have to worry about it," she softly assured the older girl, leaning her head back just enough so that her lips could press against the side of her face.

Though a displeased sigh made its way out, Nicky nodded and snuggled her closer. Maybe Lorna was right to say that, she pondered, maybe it was for the best the Chapmans weren't here. It would only complicate things even further for Lorna and she really didn't need that, not right now on top of the other goddamn shit. Nicky grit down on her teeth, shifting her eyes back and forth between her girlfriend and mother. Now that she'd been more awake, she was curious to know what they'd been discussing before she woke up.

"What were ya two talking about? I heard voices while I was asleep but couldn't really make anything out," Nicky voiced her questioning thoughts aloud, resting the side of her face against the top of Lorna's head that was laying on her shoulder right below her cheek.

Red gave a look to Lorna, who didn't return it, and had a momentary contemplation with herself on how to respond to her daughter's query. It took only a few minutes before she settled on answering with the truth. She couldn't enable Lorna's self-destructive behaviors. Eyes moved onto Nicky once more, who stared back with concerned eyebrows curved above her brown ones. "Well, I was just asking Lorna what was on her mind. She was crying and telling me how she thinks she's all messed up."

A lump was swallowed thickly by Lorna after hearing Mrs. Reznikov's answer. Her eyes rapidly averted between the two redheads before settling on Nicky again.

Nicky returned Lorna's stare with a deeply compassionate one. One arm she kept wrapped around her waist and the other was brought up to cradle around the back of her head, gently maneuvering it down towards her chest. Lips pressed against the top of it once it had neatly been tucked in the crook of her neck. "Why, why do ya think you're messed up?" Her voice faintly cracked as she asked her question.

"I mean it's not that I think that, Nicky, I know I'm messed up. I'm so, so, so messed up. And—and, erm, I don't want to infect you or Red or anyone with my messed up nature," Lorna muttered, an involuntary sniffle shaking out of her throat right after. Tears were lined at the bottom of her eyes, ready to spill over at any given second.

Head shaking, Nicky pulled her closer and combed her fingers lovingly through her dark brown strands of hair. "No, kid," she muttered back, gradually rocking them from side-to-side. "No. No. Hell no. You are not messed up, not at all. Why would ya say that, Lorna? Why would ya say that about yourself? There's nothing, abso-fucking-lutely, nothing about you that's messed up." Her arm tightened around Lorna's waist, pulling her as close as she could possibly have her.

The pain lurking in Nicky's voice brought a strong pang to Lorna's chest. Nicky was hurting because of her. Again. All she ever seemed to do was cause pain to her Nicky. Her sweet, sweet, Nicky who deserved only good things. She bit down on her lip, the only thing she could do in that moment. The tears remained at the bottoms of her eyelids, still threatening to come out at the blink of an eye—literally. She swallowed hard and a breath of air slowly puffed inside her.

"Nicky, I am messed up. Believe me I am. I can't—I don't know if you'd be able to understand the reason why. But I am beyond messed up at this point and-and I don't think I'm fixable anymore."

Hearing the agony, the despair, the hurt all inflecting out with each word Lorna spoke was heart constricting. No matter how many times Nicky swallowed she couldn't get rid of the tightness lingering in the back of her throat. A breath exhaled through the nostrils of her nose and her arms brought Lorna even closer. She took a few silent moments to sit there with Lorna resting on her chest, her brown waves sprawled against the flesh of her neck and chin. Wishing so damn desperately that that was somehow enough to shield her from the pain. To protect her from any further pain.

But as she tilted her head and gazed down onto Lorna's face, she realized no matter how badly she wished for her arms to keep her safe from all the hurt in the world that it would never become more than a wish. Pain had to be felt in order to move on. Even if she loathed the idea of her angelic girlfriend suffering through any more of it. It needed to be experienced by her so that she could properly heal from everything.

Nicky swallowed uneasily and did the only thing she felt was right. Pressed her lips affectionately over the corner of Lorna's forehead. "No, baby, you're not. You're not messed up. You've just been dealt a real shitty hand in life and that's not your fault. It doesn't make you messed up. The only ones who are messed up are your dad and fucking Annalisa. Okay? Do ya hear me, kid? You are precious and god—the damn sweetest person I've ever met," the words cracked once more as she felt a few loose tears come falling from her eyes.

Her hands brushed sparse strands of brown hair gently away from Lorna's brown ones. A frown morphing onto her face. Crying used to be such a foreign entity to her but now it seemed to become a rather close friend. It left a weird taste in her mouth to come to that conclusion. She really let her guard down, quite a lot recently. Of course, she only did that in Lorna's presence—maybe Red's, too—and it was an easy trap to fall into. Lorna made her feel safe, made her feel comfortable enough to show her vulnerable side. That was how she knew the brunette was who she was meant to be with, even though she still hadn't been certain of the existence of soulmates. But if they were real there was not a single doubt in her mind that Lorna was hers.

Red took it upon herself to rejoin the conversation at hearing Annalisa's name being brought up. Eyes squinted as they looked in both teens' direction. "Annalisa? What's this blondie caused now?" She shook her head, lifting a hand and wagging it randomly up in the air. "I swear that child ain't nothin' but trouble. Mrs. Mendoza said she spoke with the principal about her yesterday afternoon…Something oughta be done about her."

Lorna swallowed when she heard the disclosure that the school counselor had actually done what she'd assured her she'd do the last time they met. She was somewhat grateful, now, for being stuck in the hospital—at least that meant she wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of such event. Or maybe she would since Annalisa was aware of her current whereabouts. Either way, the tightness in her throat hadn't eased up any.

Her girlfriend's silence caused a sigh to expel from Nicky's windpipe. It shouldn't have come as a shock to her and it technically hadn't—moreover, it only saddened her. Would Lorna ever be willing to admit the sufferings thrown at her? The question wore through her mind. But she didn't have the time to sit and be metaphorically eaten by her queries for long. The sound of a throat clearing confirmed that rather swiftly.

"Yeah, Annalisa never fucking stops. We had a little run-in with her this morning down at the cafeteria." A scoff easily slipped through Nicky's mouth while at the same time her shoulders innately bounced up to the edge of each of her cheeks. "I mean for fuck's sake—of all the damn places and hospitals in this city, her granny had to be in this one? What the fuck kinda twisted matrix is this, ma? It's like the universe is enjoying taunting Lorna. I don't fucking get it."

The building anger influenced a frown to shape on Red's face. She scooted her chair closer to the bed and reached for one of her Nicky's hands. It was cradled lovingly in her own and she brought it over to her lap, holding it in both of her hands. Stroking the top of Nicky's knuckles with fingertips from her left. "Oh, Nicky, I don't get it either. I don't get why someone would be given one thing after the other but I'll tell ya it's not fair. Not fair at all and I wish there was more I could do to help," she softly said, shaking her head along with her words.

Eyes gradually landed on Lorna and her heart felt heavy. "What might help is talking to us about your pain, Lorna. At least what's going on at school with Annalisa. You shouldn't have to continue to put up with her and if ya don't open up about what's going on, how can we help?"

Her stare darted between Red and Nicky. A large swarm of her own saliva was uncomfortably swallowed down. It was draining to keep being pestered on the pain she may or may not have been feeling or the shit she may or may not have been going through. And what exhausted her even more was the part of her that refused to allow anyone in. It weighed heavily on her mind, her heart, to continue to talk herself in circles. She wanted a way out but her incessant self-hatred refused to cease. She wasn't sure how much longer it would be before she finally cracked.

With a breath of air taken in, Lorna lifted a hand and pushed back her hair from her face. She had her other hand resting exhaustively on her cheek, looking across at Mrs. Reznikov with a somber mien. The hole she trapped herself in wouldn't stop getting deeper if she continued to hide from the reality of the situation. She knew that—god did she fucking know that. But the though of climbing out terrified her. Terrified her so much that it was almost easier to stay put—to give up on even the possibility of getting out.

"I don't—I don't even know where to start, Red. I just…I told Nicky I wanted to wait until tomorrow to talk about any of it."

An eyebrow arched up ponderously. Red folded her arms over her chest, trying to decipher what that meant for Lorna. Whether she truly was planning to open up or if it was only another excuse to prolong the discussion. "Hmm, why tomorrow? Why can't you start talking about things today? I know it's not easy but if you keep putting it off you'll never feel ready to start," her Russian accent gently pointed out.

Everything she said was only the truth. Lorna knew damn fucking well the longer she refused to open up the harder it would be to do so. But yet that didn't bring her any closer to wanting to open up. At least part of her didn't desire to do so—the other part, however, did. She felt highly conflicted as she sat there, eyes fixated on Red. The hand on her cheek she moved to her temple, slowly massaging it around her scalp.

Why couldn't she just fucking be honest with those who so blatantly cared for her and wanted to help her? Why did she have to be so fucking stubborn—so damn fickle about every fucking thing? Her mind whirled with questions. Questions she had no real answers for. She didn't understand why she was the way she was. Why she hated herself as strongly as she did or why she had no ability to be honest with her girlfriend or her family. No, she corrected, it wasn't that she didn't have the ability—she did—she just refused to be honest. And she didn't know why. Or she did know why but rather she didn't know why she felt like her being open with anyone would cause them pain. Would it really?

There formed a hard knot in the back of her throat. If her constant resistance was having this negative of an impact on herself, god, she couldn't even imagine what it must have been causing Nicky. Sweet, loving, compassionate Nicky. A breath of air slowly sucked in through her mouth as she moved her head to look up at the redhead who's arms were so warmly wrapped around her body. Hands reached up to take her face in them. "I'm so sorry, honey," her voice spoke no louder than a whisper.

Scrunching her nose and eyebrows, Nicky released her arm from her shoulder so that she could frame both her hands around either side of Lorna's face. Their eyes instantly melded into one; one hand gently glided towards the brunette's ear where she softly curled a loose strand of hair behind. "Why are you sorry, kid?" She inquired, pressing her forehead warmly against that of her girlfriend's.

"For a lotta things, hon. I know I'm not easy to deal with. Hell even I have a hard time dealing with myself and I'm me," Lorna threw up her hands and let out a faint chuckle at her own comment. A snuffle followed shortly after. "I just…If I feel so tired from my own insanity—I can't, I can't even think what it's making you feel. And I just, I'm sorry for hurting you. I don't want ya to hurt cause' a me, Nicky. I really don't."

Drawing in a sulk of air, Nicky let it enter all the way down through her windpipe to her lungs before she decided on responding. Needing that time to think and rationalize rather than acting on impulse as she was always so eager to do. She allowed her eyes to close for a second and then opened them back up, nuzzling her nose delicately against the tip of Lorna's. "Lorna, you're not at fault for the way ya keep it all inside. You are very stubborn and sure, I get frustrated sometimes with your resistance towards everything. But none of that is your fault, doll. You just, you've been through a lot and it makes being vulnerable so much harder for ya. I understand that—"

"Nicky, that's not true. I am at fault for what I do and I should be sorry. Because I'm selfish by not fully opening up to you. I know I am and I wish I could stop being the way I am."

Nicky shook her head. "No, Lorna, stop it. You're perfect the way you are; I don't want you to change—"

The brunette mirrored Nicky's stance, shaking her own head and backing it up a small amount to look her precisely over. "Come on, hon, we both know that ain't true. Ya really think this," she gestured her hands sharply at her body while her eyes kept their widened gaze on Nicky, "is perfect? Because it's not."

"Lorna, I meant you. You're perfect, you don't need to be different."

"Oh, so, ya think my body's ugly then?"

Red heard enough. She stood up from the chair she'd been silently watching the pair from and came over to the bed to intervene. Sitting down on the edge of it, she placed a hand on one of each of the girls' shoulders. Clear as day she could observe the distress expressed on both of their faces and she frowned. Neither of them deserved to be struggling as much as they were. Too much for young teens' like themselves, she silently thought.

"Both of you need to just take a minute to calm down and breathe. Getting upset and worked up isn't gonna solve a thing, girls." The middle-aged Russian woman suggested while giving them both a firm stare, eyebrows waggling above her gazing eyes.

A groan was loudly released from Nicky's throat at her mother's words. Yeah what she said might have been the truth but that didn't make it any less irritating to her ears. She could have been right at the fucking tip of a break through with Lorna and Red just swooped in and stopped that. It wasn't purposeful, but, god it still fucking pissed her off. If everyone else would just stay the hell out of her and Lorna's conversations, they might actually fucking get somewhere other than circling right back to where they already were.

She was getting sick of it. So fucking sick of it. Breathing wasn't going to make any of it better—easier. Wouldn't stop Nicky from losing her shit nor stop Lorna from continuing to dig her own grave. The only thing that could potentially help either of them was to keep talking—to get upset and fucking breakdown. Not bottle it all up and pretend everything was peachy, Nicky rolled her eyes at the fucking thought. Lorna already had been doing exactly that and it was getting her absolutely nowhere. She certainly wasn't fucking better off for suppressing every last one of her emotions.

Yet, as her eyes looked right back into the blue eyes of her mother, she couldn't stay angry and frustrated for long. She knew Red was right, deep down. Ending up in an argument with Lorna wouldn't solve their dilemmas, either. It would likely only push Lorna farther away from her and that wasn't in her best interest. The more Lorna pushed away from her…from everyone, really…the easier it would be for her to continue taking part in her self-destructive behaviors. Which, no doubt, would one day take her life if she refused to stop. Nicky couldn't fucking lose her. No way. She wasn't risking it.

So, taking Red's kind-hearted advise, Nicky closed her eyes and breathed softly in through her nose. Once the air released back out of her mouth, she opened her eyes again and gave a nod to both Red and Lorna. "I guess you make a good point there, ma. But I just…I just wanna help Lorna, so bad. Why won't she let me?" Her head tilted down and she peered frantically into the brown irises of her girlfriend, "Why won't you let me help you? It's killing you and—and it's killing me too, kid."

Tears rapidly formed at the bottoms of her eyes. Nicky hurt too much for her. It needed to end, it really did. Lorna swallowed a hard lump and sniffled in some air. Her hands shakily reached up to cup around either side of the older teen's face. An unsteady nod was given. "I know, I know I'm hurting you, Nicky. I hurt, too. And it's real hard…because I, uh, I, erm—"

Nicky sniffed in a breath and covered her hand atop Lorna's, lightly brushing the tips of her fingers against the flesh of her knuckles. "Because what, babe? I'm sorry, I—I know this isn't easy for ya. But, god, isn't keeping it all inside harder?"

Bobbing her head up and down slowly, an unexpected sob escaped her right at the same moment. Her teeth dug into the flesh of her tongue and she gripped tighter on the redhead's cheeks. "You, you have no idea how hard it is, hon," she spoke, her voice merely inaudible from how low her tone was.

Giving a slight tilt of her head, Nicky had to bite down on the side of her mouth to keep from allowing her own sob to escape. Lorna's voice may have been quiet but it certainly hadn't snuck past Nicky's ears. Big brown eyes grew softer after hearing the heartrending comment; she swallowed uneasily and stroked her lips onto the corner of Lorna's forehead. "I don't. But I can imagine it's exhausting. And so heavy on your precious, sweet, heart yeah?"

Lorna nodded. The tears not once relenting from her eyes. They poured down her cheeks in masses. As if her eyes were storm clouds in the sky and her cheeks were a dried lake craving a vast volume of water. "It feels like I can't breathe most of the time. And I—I feel so confused and conflicted, Nicky. I don't know what to do."

Red watched them closely, sitting a few feet away and felt the former tightness in her chest reignite itself. "What's making you feel that way, Lorna honey?"

"There's two parts of me, Red, is what it feels like. One part a me wants to be open and honest with Nicky and everyone else…but—but there's another part a me that won't let me do that. I probably sound insane," Lorna muttered, fixing her eyes down onto the blanket.

Shaking her head solemnly, Red reached a hand to place on the brunette's shoulder. She couldn't fathom how much pain the poor child before her happened to be harboring inside of her. Her hand squeezed soothingly against the shoulder underneath. "No, you don't sound insane. You sound like you're hurting. Really hurting, honey."

Nodding agreeably with her mother's observation, Nicky's chest and throat tightened up. It hurt so fucking bad to know how deeply scarred her Lorna was. She pressed another kiss to the same spot on her forehead. Then another and another and another. "What won't this other part a ya let ya do, doll?"

"Be open with you. Because…because there, uh, there's—there's something disturbing that, uh, that, um, that, erm, happened. And, and if I…if I tell you, hon, I'd be—I'd be dirtying you the same way I of been dirtied."