Chapter Seventy-Six
"You're not a burden, baby." Nicky lovingly began, pulling Lorna closer with each word.
Her voice was unsteady as sniffles mixed with it. Pain and aching inflected through it, too. Hearing the sweetest person she knew talking so negatively about herself—god, fucking god did that feel like a fucking knife to the chest. A knife through the chest, sharp and slow. Drawn out like how a breath just came inside of her now. She pressed her lips upon the rim of one of Lorna's ears while fingers from one of her hands very slowly and softly caressed around its flesh. "You are absolutely not unlovable, Lorna. God, Lorna, you are the most lovable. The absolute fucking most lovable human there is. Fuck the damn Chapmans. It's their loss if they don't want to be graced with the sweetest angel in the world. I'll take you, baby, I'll take you any damn day. And ma, too, we both love you so much, kid. So fucking much. Don't ever doubt that you're not loved because you are so loved, so deeply and truly loved. I promise you that, sweet doll."
Giving the two girls a moment, Poussey picked herself up from the chair and moseyed on back to her desk. Once she was comfortably seated in the desk-chair, she fumbled through a couple of drawers until she came across her stack of appointment cards she had put away and took one out to set on the wooden surface. She grabbed a pen from a cup holder on the side of her desk, using it to jot down the information needed for their next appointment that she planned on having in her regular office.
"I know it was a rough one for you today, Lorna. But I'm so proud of you for opening up about the incident. I know that wasn't easy for you in the slightest and I'm sorry it hurt to talk about. We'll meet again next week, I have the date and time on this card for you. You should be out of the hospital by then but I spoke with your doctor earlier and she still wants to keep you another night or two for observation," Dr. Washington carefully explained to her while reaching across her desk to hand the rectangular piece of cardstock over to Lorna.
"Observation? Why? For what? I'm fine. Tell the doctor I'm fine, please," the brunette begged.
She was totally, completely, perfectly fine. At least physically. Mentally she was completely and utterly fucked up but that was neither here nor there. She could be fucked up and not trapped in the damn hospital. The same damn hospital her father was in—the father who openly threw her into her demented uncle's arms. Openly allowed for her to be her uncle's home-grown sex toy at only fucking eleven fucking years old. And now, not only were the two of them in the same damn hospital but he was dying and she was the only one able to save him.
"No, Lorna, you aren't fine. Your electrolytes are out of balance and your kidney function is low. I am not telling your doctor to release you because you are not in good shape to be going to a place where there is minimal supervision and a lack of medical regulation altogether. You will stay here until the doctor believes your blood tests show enough improvement that you don't need dire medical care. Not a minute sooner. And if you're still here by the time our next appointment comes up then we'll meet here. It's not a problem. What matters the most right now is your health. I'll see you both next week."
The two had long vacated the office of Lorna's therapist. Their hands intertwined as Lorna let herself be carefully pulled along by Nicky's warm, tender, hand. Exhaustion, fatigue, overpowered her and she couldn't resist from allowing her head to fall onto Nicky's shoulder. The heat emanating from her skin poured through her body and sent soothing tingles all throughout it. She didn't want to ever be without Nicky. Nicky made her feel safe. Made her feel loved, whole. Complete. The desire to be with her mixed with the exhaustion caused the underlying feelings of guilt and unworthiness temporarily fade onto the backburner. Right now she just allowed herself to enjoy the closeness of her girlfriend. The warmth continuing to radiate onto her from Nicky's body.
"Nicky?" She tilted her head but hadn't moved it from the shoulder it was resting on. Eyebrows arched over her wonderous eyes.
Wrapping an arm protectively around her waist as she led the pair of them in the direction of the cafeteria, Nicky slowed her place so that she could slightly turn her head to glance lovingly down into Lorna's brown irises. "What is it, baby? You okay? Are ya okay with my arm being around you, kid?" She probably shouldn't have asked so many questions at once but after everything that had been brought to light in Lorna's therapy session she couldn't contain how utterly worried she was for her.
To prove having Nicky's arm around her was more than okay, Lorna settled on nuzzling closer and wrapped her own arm around Nicky's body. There wasn't a safer pair of arms to be holding her than her sweet, angelic, girlfriend's. That was just a known fact to her. Nicky always made her feel the utmost safest—secure and protected. No doubt about it. "I'm okay, hon, I feel safe with you. I really do. I just wanted to tell you I love you. I love ya so much, Nicky, and I just—I don't ever wanna be without you. You're the most loving person I know and I just…I love you and appreciate you," she softly murmured, turning her head and burying it into the side of Nicky's face.
A warmth rushed through her body hearing the heartfelt words spoken to her by Lorna. Instantly, it caused her arms to tighten around her waist and her cheek pressed comfortingly into the scalp of Lorna's head which was resting gently against it. "I'm glad you feel that way, babe, I promise I'll always be here to protect you and keep you safe. You're my baby, and I won't ever do anything to hurt you. You've been through enough shit for one lifetime. Way too much that you didn't deserve any of. I swear on all that is fucking holy, Lorna, I will make the hell sure nothing bad ever happens to ya again. Okay?"
Lorna let her lips gently stroke over the top of the shoulder they were near and nodded her head slowly in acknowledgement. Fingers tenderly caressed up and down the side of Nicky's body. "I know ya wanna keep me from getting hurt again, hon, but I want you to know it will never be your fault if something does happen. No matter how hard we try, we can't always be there at all times together. So I just don't—I don't want ya to ever think that whatever happens to me is your fault for failing or something because that won't ever be true. You have done nothing but loved me and taken care of me and you're just, you're such an angel, hon. Really. You're an angel," she reiterated, continuing to brush her fingers feathery up and down her sides.
By the time they entered inside of the cafeteria for much needed coffees, the majority of it was empty and the line was pretty much nonexistent at that point. The two were grateful for that as they walked through the food-line and over to the coffee counter to order their beverages. In only a matter of seconds, each of them were handed a paper traveler's cup and were on their merry way once money had been exchanged. Yet, before fully exiting back out towards the seating area, Nicky stopped and gave a firm stare at the brunette.
Sipping her coffee, eyes shut to strengthen how savored that first sip was, Lorna drew in a peaceful breath. She hadn't realized how desperately her body needed the caffeine until she swallowed what was in her mouth. When her eyes opened back up, right after, she saw Nicky's looking intensely at them and tilted her head a small amount. "What's wrong, hon? Ya look a little tense, are ya okay?" She reached a hand out to frame affectionately around Nicky's cheek and carefully caressed it with the palm of her hand.
The tender gesture quickly tightened Nicky's chest and caused her breathing to hitch slightly in her throat. Her teeth innately grinded down into the flesh of her tongue as she forced down the bubbling emotions. "I'm okay, baby. I just was gonna remind you to get food is all. Because you haven't eaten yet today and you need to. Why don't you get the chocolate chip granola bar that you were talking about the other day, yeah? You seemed excited about it, doll."
Albeit the apprehension settling into the pit of her stomach, Lorna timidly nodded and turned back to grab exactly that from one of the food shelves. Once it was paid for at one of the registers, she followed behind Nicky to one of the empty tables and sat down in a chair across from her. Both the coffee and granola bar were shakily set down on the surface of the table directly in front of her. She crossed a leg nervously over the other, trying to appear calm even though on the inside she was freaking the fuck out. Over a measly damn granola bar.
Nicky watched her closely from the other side of the table for a few minutes before sliding a hand across to cup around Lorna's with. "It's okay to be scared. I know you have a hard time with food. You don't have to pretend in front of me, sweetheart. You're not gonna scare me off by being real, don't you worry about that," she huskily assured the brunette, stroking the tips of her fingers delicately around the flesh of Lorna's hand.
"But ain't it real dumb to be scared of food? This is why I am crazy. Because what normal person is afraid of a fucking granola bar, Nicky?"
The franticness in her voice molded a fierce knot in the bottom of Nicky's stomach. There was unfairly too much Lorna was going through right now. Too, too much and she didn't know where to start or what should be focused on first. Or what was more prevalent than the other. But, clearly, at this particular time, the most dominant issue happened to be the food. She drew in some air and squeezed her hand warmly around Lorna's. Eyes lovingly melded into the younger girl's.
Head tilted as she held Lorna's gaze. Her other hand was lifted up and cautiously brought across the table to warmly cup around one of the brunette's pale cheeks. The palm of it pressed softly into its flesh, moving slowly up and down the length of it. "First of all, baby, you're not crazy. You're not screwed or fucked up. You have an eating disorder. Which makes food seem scary to you. That's not dumb, doll, that's part of the illness. Okay? That's why you're here right now. So you can get help. You need help with this. There's nothing wrong with that—needing help. Help is good, babe, so good. Because it'll make you feel less and less scared when it comes to food."
"What if, though, what if I don't want to stop being scared of food, Nicky? Does that not make me fucked up?"
Lorna crossed her arms over her chest, looking back at Nicky with big eyes and a frown on her face. No real sane person would ever want to keep fearing something that was needed every day like food. But, yet, Lorna did want that. To fear food. On a sick, twisted, level, she enjoyed fearing it. She enjoyed the sense of control it gave her. Which again she realized to anyone else would sound completely and utterly contradicting of one another—maybe a bit ludicrous as well—but she could control the food she put or didn't put inside of her and that was empowering to her.
"No, okay? No. You're not fucked up. Just—why do you maybe not wanna stop being scared of food?" The hand on her cheek swiftly released itself and warmly covered atop a pale one of Lorna's instead. Nicky looked at her with curved eyebrows, concern oozing from her big brown irises.
The question appeared simple, yet, the response was anything but simple to give. It was more complex than her brain could even compute at the moment. There was no reasonable, or rational, reasoning for why Lorna wanted to remain in fear of food. It was the most irrational thing to want. If she wanted to stay breathing, that was. And that happened to be a whole other dilemma her brain was working to process. Whether she wanted to stay alive on this planet fearing the one thing that every living being needed. How the hell does one explain that to someone?
Her eyes caught a glimpse of the paper cup of coffee and instantly, she reached for it with one hand and lifted it to her mouth for a distracting sip. Once she swallowed a couple gulps of the warm liquid, she set it back in its previous spot and refocused her attention on her girlfriend. Her vastly concerned girlfriend her eyes took note of. "I don't know how to explain it, hon. You—ya wouldn't understand," Lorna shifted her stare slightly, her cheeks reddening from the intensifying guilt. It hurt knowing how much she was unintentionally hurting her Nicky in the process.
Nodding sympathetically, Nicky moved her other hand out in front of her and framed it around Lorna's face. Tips of her fingers caressed warmly around the area it rested on. "I might though, babe. I'm not gonna judge you for what you tell me. I promise. Just, can ya try to explain it? I wanna support ya through this, doll, but I need to understand what you're thinking and feeling," she tried her hardest to lovingly encourage the other to continue.
Lorna sucked down on her lower lip and gave a slow bob of her head. The least she could do was give it a try. That was the very least she could do for Nicky—the one person who only ever showed her the deepest of compassion and warmth. She tapped her fingers against the cup of coffee sat in front of her on the table and recoiled her shoulders the same time a breath was taken in through her nose. "I don't want to not be afraid of food because I-I kinda like how it makes me feel. I know—I know that sounds real messed up, hon, but I just—it's just the feeling it gives me I guess."
"What, uh, what does being scared of food make ya feel, kid?" Nicky shakily queried, brushing the palm of her hand affectionately along the length of Lorna's cheek.
A puff of air slipped out from Lorna's mouth before she was able to voice an answer. An answer she wasn't entirely sure she had. At least not one that would make any bit of sense to anyone who wasn't herself. She placed both hands on the sides of her head and pushed back her hair to calm the fraying nerves. "It, uh, it erm—it makes me feel relieved. And I don't want to stop fearing food. I like it. I like it a lot, Nicky, and I'm so sorry. I know it's real fucked up and it hurts you my fear of food but I don't want it to go away," desperation seeped through her voice as she spoke.
"Oh, Lorna," the redhead gently whispered, gradually moving her hand up to Lorna's forehead and brushing the palm of it from one side to the other. Cautiously, she leaned closer until the tips of their noses were instinctively pressing against one another. "Baby, what do ya need to get relief from? Is this—has this food thing been going on since, uh, since the incident with your uncle?"
The uncle George incident. Lorna squinted and widened her eyes simultaneously with each word her ears heard. A lump grew in her stomach; she wasn't even on the verge of admitting there was even an issue with food in the first place. She might have had a small, little, fear of eating and getting heavier but that did not equate to her having any sort of food issue like Nicky tried to claim of her. And, despite that assumption, she wasn't even sure exactly when the fear truly set in.
She grabbed her coffee and took a long sip of it, still mentally preparing herself to answer. In all honesty, Lorna couldn't remember the first time she became afraid of eating or even just the thought of eating. She was so deeply enthralled in that fear, now, that it felt like she always had it inside of her. "Um, just in general. I get real stressed over real stupid things sometimes, hon, and I guess being afraid a food kinda keeps my mind focused on that instead of everything else and somehow that calms me. It's like getting an A on a test that ya forgot to study for, the same relief I get from food scaring me," her shoulders casually bounced up in concurrency with what she said.
Lorna's admittance brought a shiver to Nicky's spine. Caused the hairs on her arms to slightly stick up more than usual. She swallowed uneasily and lifted her other hand to also cradle around the other side of Lorna's face. It made her feel intensely uncomfortable to realize how much she could relate to what Lorna was saying. She knew what that kind of relief was like—it was the same relief heroin left her with the couple of times she used it.
Fingers softly caressed along the flesh of each cheeks her hands were framed around. "What do you get stressed about? You can tell me, babe, it's okay. Maybe I can help you find a healthier way to deal with it, yeah?"
Shifting unnervingly in her seat, Lorna felt the lump growing and tilted her head so her eyes were gazing straight down at the dotted-pattern of the table's surface. "But I don't want things to change, hon. I'm comfortable with the way things are right now," she timidly pointed out, drawing her shoulders up to the sides of her face.
A sigh pushed its way up from Nicky's lungs. She pressed her palm warmly, affectionately, into the flesh of Lorna's cheek and gazed gently into her brown eyes. "I get that, doll, I really do. But what you're doing to yourself is capable of killing you and—and I don't want to risk losing you, okay? Please, kid, ya gotta see that. I know it's hard but just think about it. If your body needs food to function and ya don't eat enough and continue to not eat enough, what do ya thinks gonna happen?"
Tapping more and more aggressively on the paper of the cup in front of her, Lorna nervously bit down on the flesh of her tongue. The small interrogation her girlfriend was capturing her in made thinking and rationalizing that much more of a challenge. "Nothing. I mean if I'm lucky, it might make me skinnier but that's all I can think of hon. I don't, erm, I don't do it on purpose."
The more she spoke the more she had no real idea what the hell she was even saying any longer. Everything that came from her mouth sounded like gibberish to her. But, yet, she couldn't stop herself from answering any of Nicky's questions in the way she had. It was instinctive, coming out without even hesitation. Without even Lorna's mind filtering it like any normal human's mind would do. She had to be insane. She was literally—right now—the fucking definition of insane. Everything she did, said, were not what sane people would do. What people who had clean minds would even think of doing. Her head was never screwed on straight to begin with. It was no fucking wonder she was the way she was.
Nicky took a moment to grab her own coffee that hadn't been touched since the pair of them had sat down ten minutes earlier. A long, slightly drawn out, sip was taken of the bold and warm liquid. She needed to remember to be less impulsive, less edgy. Even though Lorna's recent disclosure made her want to act on impulse and say things she'd likely regret. Her head shook at the thought, that wouldn't solve anything. It would merely make things worse. So, she swallowed down the coffee and sipped it a few more times before placing the cup right back where it previously rested.
The one hand that remained on Lorna's cheek the entire time Nicky moved it up to her forehead and brushed the palm of it soothingly from one temple to the other. "What don't ya do on purpose?" Her voice softly questioned, teeth grinding down on each other to stop from commenting what her mind was encouraging her to let slip out. It lasted only a minute until the words came out of her all on their own, "Say things that don't make sense?"
Her hand rapidly covered over her mouth right after she heard herself say it. Damn impulses, she mentally muttered. She very cautiously shifted her eyes onto Lorna and was taken aback to see her stifling a chuckle. The unexpected gesture simply warmed her heart and whooshed away any lingering apprehension. "Shit, kid, I didn't mean to—"
"S'okay, hon. I do say a lotta things that don't make no sense and most of it's not on purpose," Lorna sheepishly admitted, cheeks reddening with embarrassment despite the smile her lips naturally curled into.
The comment was so random, completely unexpected, and so related to what she was thinking in her head that the second her ears heard it spill from her girlfriend's mouth all she could do was chuckle at it. Maybe that was exactly what the pair of them needed right then and there. Things had been quite bleak and dim the past few days, they needed a little light in the darkness. Even if that light was just a silly comment Nicky hadn't really meant to speak aloud.
Another chuckle easily sounded through Lorna's windpipe the longer her mind pondered on the matter. Fuck, she forgot how good laughing made her feel. She removed her hands from her coffee cup and brought them across the table to grasp lovingly around each side of Nicky's face, carefully bringing it closer to her own until their lips were lightly pressing into one another's. Her eyes closed and she felt her smile widen tremendously through the soft, gentle pecking of their lips. Nothing felt better—greater—than kissing the girl she long deemed her soulmate. Maybe kissing Nicky was even better than the feeling of starvation. Only a second went by before she vastly shook her head at such a thought. No, she told herself, no. Kissing Nicky couldn't be better than starving, it just couldn't. Because that would be a simple fix and Lorna wasn't prepared to give up her starving ritual. Not yet, not any time soon.
A sigh came through but she refused to pull away from Nicky. Instead, she brushed her lips even fiercer over Nicky's and cradled one of her hands on the back of her head. She could have both Nicky and her starving ritual. She just would slow things down. Maybe eat occasionally so she didn't die and scare the hell out of everyone she loved and cared for. If she stuck to foods that didn't terrify herself maybe there was a way she could make it all work out in her favor. And Nicky's. It couldn't be that hard to continue what she felt she needed to do while also not causing any excess worry on her Nicky's behalf.
The kiss broke apart after several minutes by Nicky softly releasing her lips from Lorna's. Her hands remained framed around each side of her face, forehead still pressed against forehead. "Well, that was certainly a nice surprise. Wasn't expecting to be kissed right in the middle of a tough conversation but I sure as hell am not complaining. Your lips always give the sweetest kisses, doll," she murmured, breath warmly trickling onto Lorna's mouth from the close proximity between the pair.
"I just—I want to make sure ya know how much ya really mean to me, hon. I hate how much pain and worry and stress I've been causing ya and I just want to show you how special you are," Lorna murmured back, pressing her lips one final time onto Nicky's and not releasing them until they were both left without breath.
With their lips apart once more, Lorna let her nose nuzzle softly against that of Nicky's. Combing her fingertips gingerly up and down the length of her two cheeks. "I meant it when I called you an angel earlier, Nicky. You're a true angel because I don't know anyone who has the patience and love that you do. I just…I'm real glad I met ya and I don't ever wanna go back to a life without you, hon."
Slightly lifting her head, Nicky brushed her lips warmly over the flesh of the tip of Lorna's nose and peered softly into her eyes. "You'll never have to go back to a life without me, kid. I love ya too much to ever leave ya. God, you've turned me into a big puddle of mush I swear. But mark my words, doll, you're the only damn person who will ever witness this mush side a me, ya hear?"
The two shared a laugh and Nicky stroked a couple of loose brown strands of hair from her girlfriend's brown eyes.
Several minutes passed as the two sat there, their eyes not once moving from each other until Nicky remembered the granola bar she encouraged Lorna to grab from the food-line. She reluctantly shifted her head back from Lorna's and gestured a hand to the untouched bar in front of her, "Don't think I haven't forgotten about the bar, kid. Ya still need to eat it, yeah? I bet it'll taste nice with your coffee."
Lorna gulped and forced a smile to her face. Her hands shakily reached for the wrapper-covered granola bar and very timidly started to open it with her fingers. It felt like an eternity or two or hell, even three, passed before she finally got the wrapper completely taken off. She swallowed uncomfortably while tracing one of her fingers up and down the length of it. The granola both gritty and smooth against her flesh. She quite anxiously lifted the bar towards her face and stopped once it was a mere centimeters from her nose.
A few snuffles were taken in, she closed her eyes and drew in a couple of breaths to calm her racing heart. It was just a damn granola bar, she reminded herself. A teeny, tiny, granola bar that no one else spent any amount of time thinking and overthinking about how the hell they were going to be able to consume it without wanting to punish themselves for it later. And, yet, there Lorna sat with the damn thing in her hands contemplating her whole life as she stared into each small spec of chocolate chips scattered throughout it.
"It smells sweet, like chocolate and caramel. My mom used to have one a these every morning with her coffee," Lorna noted, continuing to inspect the bar with a robotic preciseness. She swallowed down the lump that had formed and now it settled into the back of her throat, refusing to ease up any.
"Hey, hey," Nicky tenderly called out once she noticed how increasingly apprehensive and shaky Lorna was getting. From only holding and looking at the bar, she observed without fail. Her heart clenched up to continuously realize how deeply Lorna was sucked into the mindset she was. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair someone as kind-hearted and full of love for nearly anyone she came across was riddled with a crippling fear of food on top having been abused in one of the most horrific ways imaginable. "I know this is so hard for you, babe, I know but I want you to know I'm real proud a ya for trying."
Albeit her fraying nerves, Lorna felt her lips curve up into a smile. One that was much more genuine than her earlier one. It warmed her heart vastly to have Nicky there by her side. She knew she had to fight if she didn't want to continue to cause Nicky any further pain or heartache. A deep breath inhaled through her nose and she used her thumb and index finger to rip off the tiniest of pieces. With a slight tremor, she brought it nearer her mouth and puffed her shoulders slightly to brace herself.
One bite, she mentally told herself, it's only one small bite. Her eyes closed instantly upon the piece coming in contact with her tongue and tastebuds. "It tastes like my childhood. My good childhood with my mom before all the bad shit started."
Reaching a hand across the table, Nicky smiled reassuringly and placed a warm hand onto one of her cheeks. "You're so strong, doll, you really are."
"I regret this and am thinking of ways to psychologically punish myself for it later, hon. But having ya with me means so much."
