Chapter Eighty-Two
An hour or maybe two had passed. Lorna couldn't tell as she opened her eyes and squinted from the bright overhead light that she must have forgotten to shut off before the pair of them unexpectedly fell asleep. She rolled over and smiled at how peaceful Nicky looked sound asleep beside her. Not a more perfect angelic figure than the sleeping form of her girlfriend, she acknowledged. She couldn't resist from reaching a hand in front of her to place ever-so-gently onto the soft flesh of Nicky's cheek. Fingers pressed into it in an almost feather-like fashion and stroked slowly up and down the surrounding region.
She continued the motion for what seemed to be hours but turned out to only be minutes when her eyes got a glimpse of the time displayed on the wall clock a few feet from the headboard of the bed. The sound of blankets and sheets rustling brought her focus back towards Nicky and the smile on her face grew when she took notice of Nicky's eyes opening up, staring groggily up at her. Lorna leaned her face down closer to Nicky's until her lips were merely touching over Nicky's and then pressed them together in a short, yet, vastly passionate kiss.
"Mm, well, that's a lovely way to wake up," Nicky huskily muttered once their lips parted and the taste of Lorna's lingered behind. She raised her hands up to her eyes, rubbing the sleep from them as best she could. Her head tilted back a bit so her eyes got a better view of the entire room, naturally mesmerized by the daylight emanating from the window directly across from where they were resting. Daylight meant it was still early in the day, she concluded. A yawn escaped her and she fixed her stare down onto Lorna once more.
The utterance ignited a warm giggle from Lorna as she cupped her hands around both sides of Nicky's face. Fingertips delicately stroking along the length of each one. It finally felt like it was only the two of them who existed. For right at that moment, only she and Nicky existed—mattered. Everything else faded into the abyss. Even her mind was calm for once. She could truly just focus on one singular second, minute. One person who meant the damn universe to her, not just the world. Nicky was more than the world. She was the universe to Lorna. The beautiful, angelic, stunning universe.
A snuffle sounded through her nose. Yet, her stare and smile had not faltered even the slightest. She faded the gap between them by leaning forward until their foreheads were pressed up together, their noses nuzzled into one. They fit so perfectly—poetically—together, she deemed. It was as if they were made for each other. And hell, maybe they were made for one another. Lorna did believe in soulmates, after all, and if any person was hers it was certainly Nicky. Nicky was the perfect of perfect matches for her.
"I didn't even realize we fell asleep until I saw what time it is. But I feel real rested now, don't you hon?" Lorna hummed while caressing her hand up and down the length of Nicky's cheek. There was no other place she'd rather be than right there snuggled up to the woman she knew her heart belonged to.
After allowing herself a second yawn, Nicky stretched out her arms before wrapping them lovingly around the smaller girl's body and pulling her closer. Chin nuzzled softly on the top of her head, a smile forming as she looked out into the abyss. There was not anywhere else that Nicky could imagine herself being than right where she was now, snuggled up with the person she adored most. The person who made her heart flutter every time she looked at her, every time their lips touched and their bodies pressed into one another's. Where she was now was exactly where she wanted to be for the rest of her life. Maybe not in the house of the Chapman's, she clarified, but wherever Lorna was that was where she wanted to be. For as long as the pair of them lived.
Lorna's hands were so soft, so gentle and warm on the flesh of her cheeks. Nicky couldn't resist from feeling such a wave of calm, of ease and comfort. Lorna always had a way of making her feel at peace with the world. Even when all she wanted was to kill a certain two people. But Lorna's presence, her warm body pressed up into Nicky's—it was the most soothing of soothing sensations out there. It was heaven but on Earth. Fuck. She was getting soft. Very soft. A soft, mush of a person. Not like she was this time last year or days before she and Lorna met the first time.
"I do, kid. I feel very rested," Nicky finally replied, a smile upon her face as she leaned back a bit to press a delicate kiss atop the other's head. Fingers gingerly raked through thick brown strands of wavy hair spilling out from Lorna's scalp.
She could have stayed like that for the rest of existence but her eyes noticed the plate sat on the nightstand and remembered she was supposed to make sure Lorna ate what was on it. Which, clearly, she had failed to do. So, with one final kiss to Lorna's head and a loving squeeze, Nicky carefully released her hold and maneuvered herself off the bed.
As Nicky stood up next to the nightstand, a frown melded onto Lorna's face to realize the moment had faded. The moment of pure bliss and no unwanted thoughts. Now all of that was only a figment of her imagination. Poof. Gone forever. Or gone for a while, anyway. A sigh escaped her and she forced herself into a sitting position with her body twisted around so that her eyes could follow what the older girl was doing.
When she realized what Nicky had her eyes on, a knot balled up in the pit of her stomach. Of course, she thought, of course Nicky wouldn't just forget about the damn sandwich. Nicky wouldn't let anything slide when it came to her. And, though, on one hand she found that incredibly sweet and endearing, on the other she found it deeply frustrating and anxiety inducing. She longed to go back to the week before or the week before the week before. A time before Nicky and Franny were as aware of her possible starvation ritual as they appeared to be now.
She edged her way from the middle of the bed to the tip, swinging her feet down and planting them onto the hardwood to push herself up with. A few steps were taken until she was hovering directly behind Nicky, close enough she effortlessly snaked her arms securely around her waist and rested her chin lovingly on her shoulder. Lips curved into a small smile as she tilted her head just a sufficient amount to peck Nicky's cheeks with those very same lips.
"Uh-uh, I know what you're tryna do," Nicky told her with a playful finger wag. However, she inched their faces closer and gave a quick peck to her lips. Releasing it only seconds later, she remained holding her hands around each of Lorna's cheeks while lovingly stroking a couple of brown hair strands out from her eyes. "We can spend more time cuddling after you eat some of this sandwich, kid. I didn't forget about it, don't ya worry."
A sigh expelled and Lorna relinquished her grasp on the taller teen. "I'm not hungry right now, hon," she muttered no louder than a mere whisper. The smile had rapidly faded into a displeased frown. She'd give anything to go back to two weeks ago. When she wasn't in the foster system, wasn't being watched by people so closely like her girlfriend and sister, and wasn't reliving the memories of her uncle's nightly touches incessantly. It was all too much at once. She needed air but there just wasn't enough of it.
The room was too small to contain sufficient air flow it appeared. No matter how many times she inhaled, there was too little. Too damn little. And Nicky's frigidness about her needing to eat the food only escalated the air issue Lorna was having. Every time she glanced at the plate, another breath refused to make it through her. The knot in her stomach gradually doubled in size. Making the reality of the situation that much more of a challenge for her. There was no way she could eat anything when her stomach felt so stiff, so heavy.
Folding her arms over her chest, Nicky stared sternly at the brunette. Her own frown forming as she did so. "What have ya had to eat today, doll?" The question came out through slightly gritted teeth. Foot tapped frustratedly against the floorboard underneath it. Just when she thought there was progress being made, it was quickly proven wrong.
"Why does that matter? I'm not hungry, I can't eat if I'm not hungry," Lorna tried protest responding to her girlfriend's query. She mirrored Nicky's stance, crossing her arms over her own chest and scowling at the plate sat upon the nightstand. As if the plate was of a demonic spirit or some shit even when she knew how ludicrous such an accusation was.
"Answer the question. Did ya eat anything today?"
"Not until ya tell me why it matters. I told you I'm not hungry, Nicky. What does if I ate anything else have to do with anything?"
Nicky bit down on her tongue and gave a heated glance towards Lorna. "It's a simple question, kid. Yes or no did you eat today? Coffee and water do not count as eating, so, don't try to use those as a yes."
Copying her stance, Lorna did the equivalent and sucked in her bottom lip. Aggravation plagued her with the harping Nicky continued to do by asking the same question over and over. The more Nicky prodded the more Lorna wanted to withdraw, to escape. But she knew that wouldn't get them anywhere other than in a messy, fucked-up, circle. A messy, fucked-up, circle that would lead to absolutely fucking nowhere. Kind of like Lorna's life, she thought with a chuckle. An empty chuckle.
"What if I don't really remember if I ate or not? Does that count? Is that an option for an answer?"
Instead of responding back with anger, Nicky could only huff out a sigh. A sad, disheartening sigh that left her feeling exactly the way it sounded coming out of her. She reached her hands in front of her and placed them both firmly onto each of Lorna's shoulders. Eyes peering even harder into the other's brown ones. "Your mood tells me the likeliness that you've eaten anything today is pretty slim. You may say you're not hungry but, babe, you're starving and need to eat. Do ya wanna end up back in the hospital? The doctor and therapist both said you are malnourished because you're starving yourself. I know that's hard for you to comprehend but you have to admit it. You have to, doll, or you'll never really heal."
Lorna swallowed thickly and shook her head. Widened her eyes as she gazed right back into Nicky's. The knot in her stomach only intensified the longer she stood there staring. "Admit what, hon? There's nothing to admit. I don't understand what ya want from me. Why all of a sudden are you getting on my case about food? I just—I just wanted to lay there and cuddle with you but now, now I'm confused and upset. And it's not your fault but I just I don't know what to say—"
"Baby, you have to start admitting that you have a problem. I'm sorry, I know you wanted to cuddle and we will again but not until ya eat some food. Just a little bit, okay? You don't have to eat the whole thing, sweetheart, just some of it. And maybe you can save what you don't want for later, yeah?"
Taking a moment of silence to absorb how the words she heard coming from her girlfriend's voice made her feel, Lorna stood frozen in place. Eyes peered straight ahead at nothing in particular. They barely noticed the red hair they were directed in back of or the color of the shirt that said hair was cascading upon. It was as if she'd been put in some sort of hypnotic trance. Time suddenly dissipated around her. All she was able to do was listen to the thumping of her own heart-beat, which pounded heavily inside her chest.
The only noise her ears absorbed as she remained frozen was that of the clock ticking on the wall. She felt her mouth merely drowning in her own saliva and finally swallowed to relieve such sensation. The fear of putting any bit of that sandwich into her mouth, into her body, made her wonder how the hell she was going to be able to keep to her word. She had to convince Nicky and everyone else that she was fine, that she could eat, to avoid anymore time in the hospital but she could barely manage even only the thought of that damn sandwich now.
However, the longer she stood there in her mental trance the more she realized how utterly challenging that was going to be. A lump tightened in the back of her throat, she desired to disappear from the room. To poof away as fast possible. Yet, she knew the likelihood of that happening was slimmer than slim. She wasn't a magic being, she couldn't just snap her fingers and find herself in another room.
Nicky turned around when the silence became unbearable and placed a hand on either side of Lorna's cheeks. Cradling them softly within her two gentle hands. Their eyes were on the same level but Lorna's looked off into the distance. Nicky swallowed uneasily and moved her hand up and down one of the cheeks it rested against. She tilted her head as she looked Lorna intently over, searching her face as thoroughly as possible. "Are you here with me, kid? Can ya hear what I'm sayin?"
The questions were picked up on by the brunette's ears and though her eyes still hadn't focused on Nicky's face, she gave a slow nod of her head. The lump in her throat hadn't faded any despite how many times Lorna swallowed. She tried to fix her pupils back in their normal position but they refused to cooperate. A sigh forced its way from her airway and she let her head rest slightly to the side.
With a lack of verbal response, Nicky's lips contorted into a frown as she held her gaze on Lorna. She noticed a loose strand of hair fallen atop her forehead and quickly brought a hand up to gently stroke it away with. "What's going on in your head, huh? You've been pretty quiet for a few minutes now. Are you okay, doll? Is there anything I can do for ya?"
Lorna's mouth opened the same time her eyes peered back at Nicky's. It stayed open for a few seconds before closing again. Eyes momentarily darted back onto the untouched sandwich on the nightstand, apprehension building rapidly. She felt her chest constrict and forced her stare onto Nicky once more. "I, uh, I just I was thinking—"
"Thinking about what, babe? Do ya wanna try having some of the sandwich?"
Shoulders bounced up and touched the edge of each of Lorna's jaws. Eyes closed and opened. "I was thinkin' maybe you could split the sandwich with me? I, uh, I don't like to eat alone. Would ya, would ya mind hon?"
Nicky removed her hands from Lorna's cheeks and instead drew Lorna into her arms, letting her front press gently up against Lorna's. She took Lorna's head with one hand, bringing it to rest underneath her chin on her chest. Her head tilted back enough so that her lips were able to press a warm kiss atop Lorna's brown waves. "Of course, kid, of course. Whatever makes ya feel the most comfortable I'll do for you. Ya wanna stay in here or have it down in the kitchen at the table?"
"Here is fine, hon. I don't wanna risk seeing Mrs. Chapman. That would really make me not wanna eat at all," Lorna truthfully admitted, allowing her body to relax against the older girl's. She felt a soft breath escape quietly through her windpipe.
Nodding profusely, Nicky squeezed her tight and pressed a second kiss onto her head. "We'll stay in here then. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, not when ya gotta eat. I mean I don't want ya to ever be uncomfortable but especially not when it comes to food and eating. I know that's already so hard for you, baby."
All Lorna could do in that moment was give a small, sad, smile to her. She knew Nicky meant well and only spoke to her out of compassion and love for her. But nothing would ever make eating less of a challenge. Especially a sandwich. A fucking sandwich. Something she hadn't consumed in well-over four years. A fucking sandwich, her mind repeated. What a normal, basic, average food that normal people probably ate every day and yet, here she sat having a mini panic over the idea of even looking at it. She hadn't even touched the plate it was placed on, hadn't even touched the sandwich itself and she was already frozen in fear twice now.
How the fuck was she going to get through this each day just to prevent further worries for everyone else? She could barely handle thinking about it yet alone eating the damn thing. This proved to be a lot harder than she had originally thought. Lorna swallowed down the running mind-boggle and released herself from Nicky's arms only to be able to situate herself on the edge of the bed.
Legs dangled from the mattress as she felt the spot next to her sink from Nicky's body pressing into it. Lorna shifted her head and took a hard look over the redhead. Air pushed from her lungs. "I can't remember the last time I had a sandwich, Nicky."
Upon hearing such a revelation, Nicky felt her heart tighten tremendously in her chest. There were no words to be spoken just then. Instead, her arms wrapped securely around Lorna's waist and tenderly pulled her closer until she felt Lorna's head naturally press into the crook of her neck. An airy breath escaped through her throat as she combed her fingers lovingly along the thick brown strands of hair. "That's really sad, babe. How, uh, how come it's been such a long time?" The words shook a small amount as they slipped from her mouth.
"Erm, I'm not sure. I just, uh, I've never really cared for them is all," the younger teen muttered, shrugging her shoulders along with what she spoke. Eyes focused on the loose curls of red hair sitting on the flesh of the same neck her face was touching. She used the fingers from one of her hands to lovingly stroke them back towards Nicky's shoulders.
The tightness in her chest increased. Nicky swallowed down a bitter taste that had suddenly appeared inside her mouth while also securing her arms around Lorna's waist. Lips brushed lovingly onto the top of her head as her hand cradled around the crown of it to keep it resting in between her neck and chest. "Hmm, well, it'll be okay. I know it's not easy for ya but it'll be good for ya to try a bit of it. Are ya ready to have some of it, doll?"
Lorna shook her head. She'd never be ready to do anything related to food. The thoughts alone were exhausting her but to have to put in the effort and energy of actually picking up the sandwich? That made the hair on her arms stand up as if she'd been zapped by lightening. Her mind equated eating to that of being molested by her uncle. An evil act portraying her out to be a dirty, fucked-up, individual. She swallowed hard and sucked in her lower lip.
Why couldn't she just be normal? Why did her mind have to be so fucking screwed up? Why did she have to be so fucking screwed up?
Nicky's breath caught in her throat when she noticed the tears running along her girlfriend's pale cheeks. Her head moved back a few inches and she pressed a warm kiss onto the flesh of one of Lorna's cheeks. "Why are ya crying, baby? What's the matter? Tell me what's going on in that precious head a yours, yeah?" She pressed her body a little more into the brunette's hoping the slight pressure would soothe her and encourage her to open up a little bit.
Having it pointed out to her that she'd been crying instantly had Lorna trying her hardest to suck back in the tears she hadn't even sensed coming down along her cheeks until that exact moment. She brought her arm up and used her sleeve to wipe at whatever droplets remained on the flesh of her face. Who the fuck cried over a fucking sandwich? She shook her head at herself. Why couldn't she be the normal, bubbly, Lorna she used to be? A breath exhaled. She despised who she'd become. She hardly fucking recognized the new her. The new shitty her. Definitely not an improved version of Lorna that much was for sure.
With a few quieting sniffles, Lorna lifted her head so that she could peer back at Nicky. Lips curved into a faint smile and then quickly dissipated into a frown. "I just, erm, I wish I wasn't so nervous over a sandwich is all. But I'm okay now. I guess we should just get it over with, right? You're not gonna let me forget it about, are ya?" She questioned, slightly batting her lashes at Nicky as if to convince her to give in. Though she still felt intensely resistive, she had the urge to lighten the mood somehow. Maybe joking about it would make it less difficult.
Brushing a tender kiss onto the top of her head, Nicky shook her head in response. She readjusted herself in a way where she was facing Lorna and grabbed each of her hands in her own. Their eyes both looked directly into one another from the position they now both happened to be in. Albeit Lorna's attempt of wiping her tears away, stains of them were left behind and softly observed by Nicky's eyes. Nicky, influenced by the disheartening observation, leaned her face closer and placed her lips onto the visible remnants, pressing them down in soft kisses.
"I'm sure not gonna let ya forget about eatin', kid. The sooner we do it the sooner we can get back to cuddling, yeah? That sound good to ya?" Queries warmly murmured from Nicky's mouth which still gently rested over one of Lorna's cheeks, breath trickling against the skin underneath.
Lorna swallowed uneasily but nodded her head in compliance with what was told. The longer she put off eating the sandwich the longer she'd have to wait to snuggle back against her girlfriend and that wasn't something she wanted to put off. Cuddling her Nicky. She shut her eyes and huffed out a reluctant breath. It was best just to comply and consume the food. That was the only way to satisfy her girlfriend's worry and satisfy her yearning to lay back on that mattress with Nicky right next to her.
Was it ideal for her to give in and take part in something she had absolutely no desire to do? Not at all but the aftermath of it was what it made it somewhat worth it. Or entirely worth it. She released her hands from Nicky's, took in a sharp breath, and got up from the bed to grab the plate from the nightstand. When she returned to the bed and resituated herself on the spot she had previously sat upon, she set the plate onto her lap and peered down at it with a heaping amount of apprehension oozing from her eyes.
It hadn't been hard for Nicky to sense the uneasiness looming over her girlfriend. Upon the sinking of the mattress next to where she was sitting Nicky naturally slid a comforting arm around Lorna's waist. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to make all of this less dreary for her if she could help it. Fingers gently stroked up and down the spine she was holding her arm securely around.
The sandwich still appeared as it had when Mr. Chapman first brought it out to her all those hours earlier. Even as she pressed a finger into the bread, the give it gave back assured her it hadn't gone stale. Eyebrows scrunched up on her face at the revelation. She turned her head and gave a stare up at Nicky. "Touch the bread, hon. It's still soft and it's been sitting on the nightstand for at least an hour," Lorna gently commanded, gesturing a free hand up in the air.
Nicky tilted her head with an unsure expression on her face but did as she was directed and placed a finger atop the bread. She gently pressed it into the floury texture and realized Lorna's observation was accurate. The bread remained soft despite its long exposure to the room-temperature air around them. She couldn't help but to let out a chuckle. Eyes shifted back onto Lorna. "Indeed it still feels fresh. That's a solid bread right there, yeah?"
Nodding Lorna traced her finger along the edge of the sandwich and copied Nicky's chuckle with one of her own. "I'm not surprised. The Chapmans can afford long-lasting bread. It's probably some kinda organic whole-grain seeded vegetable bread that Mrs. Chapman found at some uppity organic food store, what do ya think hon?"
Another warm snicker made its way from Nicky's throat. She bobbed her head up and down while turning it enough so she could easily allow her lips to stroke over the flesh of one of Lorna's temples. "I think that's pretty accurate, kid. It's probably made with organic broccoli-coated flour shit. But hey, I'm sure it tastes okay. How about I cut it in half, yeah?"
"I can cut it, Nicky. I'm not paralyzed or nothin'," Lorna quickly blurted out. Her tone rather defensive upon hearing Nicky's offer to cut the sandwich. As if she would ever allow that. She knew the only reason Nicky offered was so that she could somehow manage to make Lorna's half the bigger one. A head shake was given. Lorna wasn't stupid.
Nicky gave a hard stare towards the younger girl, arching her eyebrows in the process. Lorna may have been completely capable of slicing the sandwich in half, however, Lorna also wasn't keen on eating any of it so she knew if she agreed to let Lorna do the slicing, she'd easily make sure her half was smaller. Nicky sighed and shook her head. She wouldn't allow it.
Lips gently brushed atop Lorna's scalp as she very cautiously took the plate from her reach. "I'll take of that, kid. I know exactly what you'd do if I didn't cut it myself and I'm not gonna let that happen. I'm sorry."
The defensive stance intensified even more upon hearing Nicky's statement. Having the plate removed from her lap had both of Lorna's arms angrily folding up against her chest. Eyes heatedly returned Nicky's stare, "No, you just want to make sure my half's bigger so I gain even more weight. You want me to be fat, everyone fucking does. Well, I'm not eating it and you can't make me."
"Lorna, please," Nicky snuffled, exhaustion inflecting through her voice as she spoke.
She lifted a hand up to her head and pushed back her hair from her forehead. The sandwich now sat in two equally cut halves on the plate regardless of what Lorna might have been thinking. Nicky closed her eyes and prayed to whatever higher power there was for the strength to get both of them through this mess.
Once her eyes opened back up, she fixed them back on Lorna and motioned a hand in front of her eyes over to the plate. "See, doll, I cut it so they're both the same. I'm not trying to trick you, I promise. Pick which one ya want, yeah?"
Though her head shook even harder, Lorna skeptically shifted her eyes onto the plate and felt the hair on her arms stick straight the hell up. She was truly fucked up. Whole-heartedly, completed, fucked the hell up. Anyone who looked at a sandwich with the amount of trepidation she was now had to be a fucked up individual. "I changed my mind. I don't want to eat anymore."
Slicking back her hair once more, Nicky inhaled a slow, deep, breath. She let it gradually make its way back out seconds after. "I know you don't want to, Lorna, but this isn't a choice. You need to eat. You aren't gonna negotiate your way out of this with me."
"So you get to decide what I do now?"
Immediately after saying that, Lorna deeply regretted it. She really hated who she was right now.
Nicky took no offense to what was said and only nudged the plate in Lorna's direction. "You can pick which half you want."
"I want none." Lorna bitterly commented, turning her head away from the plate. Regret and shame grew in her chest. "I'd rather be suffocated than to eat food. Because eating feels like death."
