Chapter 20
WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY
I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx
Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )
Jacob's POV
The last ten minutes have been a whirlwind, it sounds stupid, like something out a movie, but they literally have in this case. First, I find out that Bella kissed Edward without telling me then I walk off, upset and Bella runs after me, calling my name. I ignore her because I'm still mad at her until I hear the sound of a car speeding and I glance back and it almost fucking runs Bella over. I was so worried that Bella was going to get hurt that I didn't care about any of the whole kissing Edward situation, all that mattered was Bella being okay. Then, I tell her I forgive her and we have this special moment, just the two of us and she KISSES me.
I feel so happy, finally the girl that I love so much loves me back and she isn't afraid to show it. I know she's still confused between me and Edward but that kiss brings every hope back that she'll decide that I'm the one for her instead of Edward. It's like I'm in my own heaven, just me and Bella against the world, her lips against mine when we heard that crunch of gravel and everything was over before it even started.
I turn around, forcing myself to let go of Bella even though all I can think about is kissing her again, and of course it's Edward standing there, looking the angriest I've ever seen him, who the fuck else would it be? I can't help smirking, I know exactly what he's feeling right now and it makes me feel glad that he realises it's not so fun to be on the other side of the argument. He was all smug when he was 'accidentally' revealing that he and Bella had kissed and I was the one being left out of it all, but now it's me who Bella's kissed and he's the one not knowing what's going on, he doesn't seem so high and mighty now.
I am ripped out of my satisfaction at Edward's facial expression though when I notice Bella looking upset all over again, she probably feels awful kissing the both of us in the short space of two days, and I am pissed at myself for only just thinking about how Bella would feel about all this. Her soft brown eyes are full of guilt and I just know this isn't helping her feel any better about anything. Trust me and Edward to be getting in the way and hurting Bella even more after all that she's been through already. This is the worst possible time for a bloody love triangle in her life, now it really does sound like some messed up romance film.
"What the hell is going on, Bella?" Edward asks, glaring at her furiously.
"I..I don't know, I just felt like kissing Jake, so I did."
"you just felt like kissing him, are you joking? After the kiss we just had yesterday and now you're snogging Jacob, who you were just this minute arguing with? Real classy, Bella."
I can't contain my anger anymore, who the hell does this bloodsucker think he is, taking everything out on poor Bella all the time, so much for wanting her to recover when all he ever does is drag her down, manipulating bastard!
"Hold on a minute, you're seriously going to blame this all on Bella and not yourself, you're the one that fucks around with her head abandoning her one minute and then 'saving' her the next? You're a dickhead, and you don't deserve Bella's love."
"Shut up, mutt. Who asked you anyway? Bella, come on, why are you doing this to me? I don't get it, you kiss me like you love me more than anything and then the next day you're kissing Jacob, what changed?"
"I don't know Edward, I kissed you yesterday because it felt right in the moment, and that's why I kissed Jake today. I don't know what any of it means yet, I'm still confused and you know I haven't decided who it is I really love, so why are you so angry at me?"
"Why am I angry at you? Because you run off, crying and I'm worried about you so I follow you just to find you here eating that werewolf's face off!"
"you followed me?" Bella asks, her voice shaking with sadness.
"yes!"
"so if you followed her, did you see any of what happened before she kissed me?" I ask him meaningfully.
"No, huh, what do you mean?" he looks at me, his stupid golden eyes filled with confusion.
"Bella almost got ran over, she could have been KILLED, and here you are, angry with her for kissing me after she was all shaken up, what is wrong with you?"
I watch as his eyes widen with shock and he turns to look at Bella with relief, clearly he must have missed the whole car speeding towards Bella thing. Good, at least I'd made him realise that there were more important things than some stupid lovers spat.
Edward's POV
I stare at Bella in shock, Jacob's words barely registering. She'd almost been run over, my Bella had almost died and I hadn't been there. And what's worse was, I had been raging off at her for kissing Jacob when she'd come so close to being hit by a car only minutes before. I'd never felt more embarrassed with myself, burning shame was taking over my whole body, and I didn't know what to say to her.
"I'm sorry, Bella, I had no idea. So your kiss with Jacob was just because you were in shock then?".
I knew it was a stupid move, but I couldn't help but ask it, hoping it was and Bella's feelings for me were way stronger than the ones she had for Jacob. But I regret it as soon as the words come out mouth, wishing I could put them back in again as I watch her cheeks flush with anger and the icy stare she gives me.
"for gods sake, Edward, why can't you just accept the fact that I love Jake too? I know it hurts you to think of me with anyone but you and I get it, I really do but I can't help loving you both and nothing you can say will change that."
I watch the honesty in her eyes, and I think it was then when I gave up. I knew it was hopeless trying to convince her not to love Jacob, and anything I said was only turning her against me even more so I decided to shut up. If Bella had any chance of choosing me, it needed to be of her own accord, she needed some space to figure out her feelings and it dawns on me now that I should have realised this ages ago, when she first announced that she was in love with both of us, and the fact that I was only understanding how she felt now seemed to mock me all the more. Clearly the seven months I'd spent apart from her had had more of an affect than I knew. We had grown apart so much, and Bella had become attached to Jacob, who she didn't even know properly before I left.
This thought train makes me feel saddened and once again, I found myself wishing I had never left her all those months ago, that maybe if I hadn't none of this would have happened.
Bella's POV
I went home that night, more confused than ever. I couldn't stop thinking about mine and Jacob's kiss, every time I closed my eyes I would relive it again and again, his lips pressed against mine in that soft, loving way he always had. There was this feeling that I must love him more than Edward gnawing at my insides and the most worrying thing was that I couldn't find any part of me that was protesting this wasn't true. I whizzed through every moment that I had ever shared with Edward, trying to work out if I did love Jake more than him but I still couldn't figure it out.
I smiled as I remembered the first time I met Edward in bio lab, when he acted like I had some kind of disease and was trying to stay the furthest away from me he possibly could, I was so confused at the time, smelling my hair to see if it was because I smelt horrible, it wasn't until later that I found out it was because the overpowering scent of my sweet blood was making him want to feed on me. He had disappeared from class for weeks after that and I had started to think it was somehow because of me when he reappeared weeks later, sitting at his usual table with the rest of the Cullen siblings. My mind flicked through the images of me and Edward at the Italian restaurant that night, me on Edward's back when he showed me just how much speed vampires could go up to, Edward sitting beside my hospital bed that time James attacked me (before Edward killed him of course.) Edward and me at the prom, me wearing a leg boot and a sulky face because I really didn't want to go, me and Edward at my 18th birthday party before disaster struck.
I then replay every moment I had ever spent with Jake, when I had first met him and tried to learn about the old vampire legend by flirting with him (I still felt really guilty about that, but a girl had to do what a girl had to do, right?) When I had went to the cinema with him and he had started to burn up with a fever so I had to take him home early, neither of us knowing it was him beginning to change into a werewolf at the time, when I hadn't heard from him in ages because he had 'mono' and was too sick to come to the phone so I found him in the rain and he had struggled to tell me to go away because his pack were listening in, determined to protect their secret. When he had climbed through my window that night and told me what he was, the time when he fixed up the old motorbike I had found and we went riding, the time he had to take me to hospital because I had been badly beaten up by Charlie, the time when I had told him the truth about the abuse, the time he had waited beside my hospital bed after he had found me on the floor bleeding and called the ambulance, all leading up to the kiss we had shared a mere few hours ago.
Even though I had meticulously went through every single moment I had shared with both of them, I was still none the wiser on who I loved more and the whole thing was stressing me out. Sighing, I opened the door with my key, surprised to see that nobody was in and all the lights were off. I had thought Alice was coming back an hour ago, but maybe she had had a change of plans without telling me. I turned on the light, and jumped in fright when I saw that I wasn't alone in the room, and that there was a dark pair of eyes staring back at me with pure hate.
"Bella, long time, no see," he said, grinning at me hauntingly, holding a baseball bat in his familiar strong hands.
Hi, thanks for reading as always, the next chapter may be a bit triggering/graphic so I'd advise you not to read it if it may affect you in any kind of way. The story is getting closer to the end, and after spending so long writing it, the thought of it being over is really strange to me. I hope you enjoyed the chapter :)
