Chapter 22

WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY

I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx

Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )

Edward's POV

It's been exactly 94 hours since my Bella had to go through something as terrible as she did. Every time it goes quiet around me and I have time to think, my mind automatically goes straight to the image of Charlie assaulting Bella as me and Jacob walked in on it. It's the last thing I want on my mind, but it's wedged into my brain, every time I try to think about something else, it's lurking, ready to haunt me all over again.

I'd never felt more hopeless in my life, I hadn't been there when Bella was going through hell, and yes, me and Jacob had managed to get him off her but it wasn't good enough. We were supposed to stop something like that from happening to the girl we both loved and neither of us had been of any use whatsoever. I knew Jacob was just as angry at himself as I was at myself so I didn't bother making him feel any worse even though there was a part of me that was begging to blame it on someone else so I wouldn't feel the way I did.

I longed to hold Bella in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay, to protect her from this cruel world, but I knew not only would she flinch at my touch which was what she did now, but try as I might, I couldn't protect her from anything. I'll never forget the way she looked after what had happened, in the hospital, I had never seen someone so traumatised and it broke my heart that it was Bella that was feeling this pain and not just some stranger I didn't care about. As selfish as it was, with everything that had happened, the fact that Jacob was the one that she wanted after she woke up hit me hard. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I hoped that I could be the one that gave her the most comfort in her time of need. But the way that his hand had been the one she reached out for as soon as she opened her eyes, felt like someone had punched me hard in the gut.

Now it had been almost four days since the incident, and Bella still wasn't talking to anyone except Jacob, and even with him, she hadn't been saying much. Apparently, she just spoke when she needed to, and hadn't said a word about Charlie and what he'd done to her. Just bringing his name up in a conversation made my blood boil, how could a father do that to his daughter? It made no sense to me, Carlisle would never even think about mistreating Alice and Rosalie, never mind doing something so truly awful to them. But, trying to come up with a reason why Charlie was the way he was was a waste of time, some might say he turned into a monster because of Renee's death but I just don't believe that. To be able to do something that evil, he must have been a psychopath the whole time and what happened with Renee could have set him off. Anyway, I'm no psychologist (is that even the right word?) and none of this is helping Bella in any way so I shake the thoughts off and decide that I'm going to visit her, I know she hasn't seen anyone other than Jacob since it happened but not seeing if she was okay was killing me the last thing I was trying to do was to upset her when she was in such a fragile state anyway.

Ten minutes later, I was standing outside the apartment Bella and Alice share, although Alice still hadn't been heard from since what happened so Jacob had been staying there with her for the last day which I knew couldn't be helped but I still felt that annoying pang of jealousy at the thought of them being so close to each other anyway. I took a nervous breath and rang the doorbell, I waited but all I got back was silence so I rang it again.

"Coming!" I heard Jacob shout from the other side of the door.

Bella's POV

I knew it was going to be Edward at the door as soon as the doorbell rang, I knew that he was probably just worried about me and wanted to see my face but my hands started shaking at the thought of having to see someone else and I wanted to curl up into a ball on my bed and never go out so nothing bad could ever become of me again. I knew it was stupid, but ever since Charlie had taken away my virginity, I felt like a slut. There was a sane part of me that kept telling me it wasn't my fault and I never asked for him to rape me, but the thought that it was indeed my fault and that I must have done something to encourage him was still living in my head rent-free, and whenever I could feel the tears coming on at the memory of his body forcing its way into mine, I blamed myself for what had happened.

Jacob had begged me to see a counsellor to talk about what had happened, because he understood it was too personal for me to share with him but he desperately wanted me to unload some of my feelings onto someone else, so I wouldn't feel so bad. I had told him I wouldn't see anyone, and even though I felt awful about it, the thought of being asked a load of questions on how Charlie had took away my innocence made me want to scream. I felt like I was only causing Jake more grief, by him having to look after me 24-7 but he had been so good I wanted to cry at his kindness. I needed someone there so I wouldn't start panicking that Charlie could somehow break out of the locked prison cell he was in for now, and come for me again. Every single minute of my life ever since I had woken up that day in the hospital, had been spent constantly being paranoid that Charlie would find me and finish where he left off. I had been plagued by nightmares, and every single little thing that I did, Charlie's face would appear in the room with me. I googled why this was happening to me, wondering if there was something wrong with me, but other people had just said on there that a lack of sleep could sometimes cause hallucinations. This should have made me feel a bit better, but it didn't, the thought that feeling like that was 'normal' and that I could be feeling like this for the next few YEARS brought a load of suicidal thoughts along with it. There was absolutely no logic in it, but I couldn't help wishing that I would just 'get over it already' and be able to move on with my life, even though I knew the chances of that actually coming true as a percentage after what had happened were in the minuses.

I had, advised by Jacob, looked at some website online where it was a load of women who had gone through the same thing as I had open up to each other, and they were all calling themselves 'survivors'. This word felt stupid to me though, as none of us were surviving, being haunted by the experience everyday and being driven to wanting to kill ourselves. To be fair, unlike the other women on there, I had been suicidal before and had only become worse since the whole thing. Before, the voices telling me to end it were only occasional and they weren't that bad but now, they were there everyday when I woke up until I went to sleep, they even found their way into my nightmares.

I was forced out of my depression by Jake as he came into the room, and told me Edward was here and wanted to talk to me.

"I can tell him to go away if you want me to," he said, his face saying it all; he was worried that what little progress I had made since the incident would be ruined by Edward coming into the equation.

"no, its fine, thanks though."

Part of me wants to yell and cry and beg Jake to send Edward away, so I wouldn't have to face his sympathy but I told myself I had to be stronger than that, I was going to have to speak to people again at some point and it only seemed more daunting the more I put it off.

"you know I'll do anything you want me to, just say it. Shall I tell him to come in here then?" he asks, the fierce need to protect me that he felt showing in his voice.

"okay".

I smile at him, and even though I don't say it, he understands what I'm trying to say to him. That I'm grateful for him, and that he's been the best friend I could ever ask for plus the fact that I love him even though the thought of choosing who I love more after all that's happened seems the most unimportant thing ever now.

He smiles back, and I hear him talking to Edward for a minute before there are footsteps and that silky voice that's so familiar to me by now is filling the silence in the room.

"Hi, Bella. I hope you don't mind me coming to see you" he says, trying to muster an apologetic smile for me even though the stress and worry shows through his golden eyes.

"no, it's alright," I say, a fresh pang of guilt at how much worry I've caused to everyone I love.

"how are you?" he asks before realising what he's just said. "I mean.. of course you're not ok but how are you getting on anyway?" he says awkwardly.

"I'm okay," I lie through my teeth, not wanting to worry him even more with the sordid details of how I really feel.

He seems to know I'm lying though, as his smile vanishes into a grim line, just like how it was when he found me that day.

"Have you heard from Alice, is she ok?" I ask, praying that Alice is ok after what she came home to.

"Trust you to be worrying about how other people feel, after all that's happened to you" Edward says, amused, but not in a good way.

"I'm guessing you haven't?" I ask, really hoping he has and that she's took a nice break with Jasper somewhere, and isn't traumatised from having to watch someone she cares about being attacked in such a cruel way.

"no, I have, she's fine" he says, reassuredly and for a minute, I feel the weight of everything on top of me feel a little bit lighter, allowing me to breathe for a short amount of time.

"that's good" I struggle to find the words for how I really feel knowing Alice is okay and well, Edward gets what I mean though and he just smiles.

"Jacob told me you've refused the idea of counselling?" he asks concernedly.

"I don't need it, I'm feeling better, I really am," I say, trying to sound convincing.

I curse myself for lying twice in the space of five minutes but I know it's better off that he believes I am doing better so he can stop worrying about me for two seconds.

"great" he says, although his usual tone is gone, his voice flat, and I know he doesn't believe me, and for the first time in my life, I wish that I was better at lying.

"okay, well, I better go anyway, keep up the pretence that nothing's happened with my family like you want."

"bye" I say to him, and watch as he leaves the room.

I immediately feel deflated at the realisation that I'm not just causing the people I love problems by them worrying about me, but that I'm also getting Edward to lie to his family so I don't have to bear their horror and sympathies over what happened. The voice in my head returns with a vengeance, louder than ever, telling me how much of a burden I am to everyone else and that they'd all be better off without me, I ignore it but it carries on taunting me and the fact that I only seem to cause disruption to people's lives wherever I go. I am the problem, and it hurts to know it.

Even though I've been clean for a month, I reach for the drawer by the side of my bed, and with shaking hands, hold the blade in my hands. I won't go deep or anything, it'll only be a quick scratch, I try to reason with myself, making out like relapsing is nothing. Dragging the blade across my skin, I relish in the feeling of pain I have missed so much and in that moment, I ask myself why did I ever stop in the first place? Something that makes you feel so much better can't be bad at all. And as I cut, the thoughts of Charlie all disappear and are replaced by the sting instead. One cut, Charlie never raped me, two cuts, everything's going to be fine, three cuts, Edward never left, he's been here with me the whole time, four cuts, things are starting to get better.

Thanks for reading, I know not much happened in this chapter, but it's mainly focusing on Bella for a while, and how she copes with what happened. Isn't Edward a sweetheart, lying about Alice being in contact to make Bella feel better? Can't believe this story has 22 chapters, when I started writing it back in April 2021, I could never have imagined how much I'd really develop the story. Thankyou so much for the reviews, to hear that you like my writing means a lot :)