Chapter 23
WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY
I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx
Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )
Bella's POV
It had been a day since I had relapsed and I had found it harder than ever before to hide it from people because Jacob was constantly around, checking up on me and looking after me. I had made sure to wear long sleeves around him and had tried to act like everything was normal even though I felt worse than ever knowing that I had given into my urges and cut even when I had promised both Jake and Edward that I wouldn't.
I was my own worst enemy, and I knew it. Just the thought of having to admit to Jake that I had broken the promise made me feel ashamed. It wasn't fair, why did it have to be so hard to stay clean? Knowing that there were 'normal' people out there that never struggled with self harm or wanting to kill themselves made me angry. Why, out of everyone, had God chosen me to feel like this? I knew it wasn't supposed to be this way but I hated God, fuck him for making my life so terrible.
None of it made any sense. Surely someone like Charlie should be punished for doing what he did, surely he was the one who deserved to feel like this everyday and not me? I was so confused and angry at the world for dealing me such a bad hand. But then, maybe I did deserve this kind of pain, I thought, the bad thoughts always at the corner of my mind, maybe I had done something to lead Charlie on, to make my own dad think it was okay to rape me. I knew if I explained this to anyone they'd think I was crazy and lock me up in some psych ward and even though I was longing to share how I was feeling with someone, I was scared that they'd see me as a psycho and never speak to me again. With what had happened to me, I felt different, I wasn't the same innocent Bella I had been before, believing that life would get better someday, I was convinced that I was doomed to feel like this forever, never being able to move on from the trauma.
I remembered the way Jacob had looked at me, pleadingly with those warm brown eyes that made you want to melt, as he made me promise I would never hurt myself again. How worried Edward had been until I said yes, and I truly was the worst person for breaking that promise and ruining their hopes that I would get better and be the happy, care free girl that I once was, the girl they both fell in love with.
I mellow in my sadness, despite knowing that it isn't going to help things, until Jake knocks on my bedroom door, having come to check on me again. I inwardly sigh, even though I know he means well and I'm so lucky to have someone as caring as Jake, his constant worrying over me gets annoying after a while.
"can I come in?" he asks unsurely, making sure I'm not getting changed or anything before he walks in, I guess.
"yes."
He pokes his head round the door, and any annoyance I felt towards him dissipates as soon as I see his worried, handsome face smiling at me. I'll never get over the way Jake looks at me, as if I'm the most special girl in the world. I blush even though I've got so much more on my mind, I still feel flattered every time he looks at me like that.
"you ok?"
"yeah, fine" I lie, quickly checking my sleeves are covering the fresh cuts that now litter my wrists. Thankfully, Jake doesn't seem to notice this glance though as he carries on smiling at me, unsuspecting.
I feel so guilty for lying to him over and over again even though I know I could never tell him the truth because it would upset him too much if he knew just how awful I really felt when I wake up everyday, wishing I just wouldn't wake up one day, without having to actually commit suicide as that was too devastating for everyone I loved. But to die a natural death whilst sleeping one day seems like heaven to me.
"good, I'm glad you're doing better. Do you want to go to the market with me?" he asks softly.
"yeah, that would be great" I say truthfully, needing to get out of this apartment, away from all the thoughts and voices that are slowly starting to take over my brain.
"okay," Jake says, beaming, and it becomes obvious that he was hoping I would say yes and he now looks excited that I did. I smile, amused at his kid-like happiness.
We go on his motorbike again, me holding onto him for dear life, watching as our surroundings pass us by in a blur, the wind blowing my hair behind me.
We get there, and I gaze in wonder at the many stalls that stretch out in front of us, all quaint and beautiful, selling different things. Each stall is wrapped up with fairy lights and they twinkle in the evening dusk, illuminating the path ahead of us. The whole thing is stunning, and I am flooded with warmth at how romantic the setting is and that I am here with Jacob, and in that moment there is no one I'd rather be with. We walk past a hook a duck stall and I watch as a little girl wins a prize and the huge smile on her face is so cute that I can't help smiling too.
"Wanna have a go?" he asks, noticing my smile and I nod my head excitedly. I can't remember the last time I went to a place like this, and even then I don't know if I've actually ever been somewhere like this before and the whole atmosphere lifts my mood.
Jake pays for two gos and we both grab a hook from the stall owner and laugh at each other as we struggle to reach the ducks with our hooks. Jake manages to hook one and he brags about it to me as I try to get mine. The duck seems so far away as I try to attach the hook to it and it seems impossible to do. I lean closer and eventually I hook it, and I gloat about it to Jake to annoy him.
"Guess you're not the only with skills, huh?" I joke, nudging him in the ribs and he nudges me back.
"So, if you're so skilled at this thing, where to next?" he asks.
"that," I say, pointing to this massive red and white slide which curves around and looks like so much fun.
"you mean the helter skelter?" Jake asks, looking over to where I was pointing.
"yeah, I knew that" I lie.
Jake studies me for a second before realising I've never been to one of these before, for all I was bragging.
"this is your first time ever going to a place like this, isn't it?" he asks incredulously.
"yes, I suppose so."
"wow, I can't believe you've been deprived of this kind of fun all your life", he says sarcastically.
"shut up," I say, shoving him.
"race you to the top!" he shouts, grabbing some kind of brown mat thing along the way, I assume I need one too so I get one before running up the many steps to the top, beating Jake to it. In reality, I think he let me win because there's no way he is that slow at running but I just smile at him, wondering if there's anything he wouldn't do for me.
"do you wanna go first?" he asks me, gesturing towards the top of the slide. I look down at it uncertainty, suddenly aware of how high up it is.
"you can go first, I'll watch you so I know what to do."
"okay."
Jake climbs up the remaining two steps and puts his legs into the mat eagerly, looking back to wave at me before pushing off the side, he whizzes down the slide fast, I watch as he turns every corner of the winding helter skelter. The man keeping track of things signals that it's my turn to go after Jake reaches the bottom and steps off. I'll never admit it to anyone, but I'm actually really nervous, never having done this kind of thing before.
I climb up the steps like Jake did, although a little more shakily, and I work out where to put my legs in the mat before pushing myself off the side. I wonder what I was even nervous about in the first place as I shoot down the slide, laughing breathlessly as I turn each corner, the ground becoming closer and closer to me.
I step off, and Jake is waiting for me at the end, smirking.
"so how was it?"
"it was fun," I answer.
"good, where do you wanna go now?"
"you choose."
Jake holds onto my hand as we walk past the stalls, stopping as we reach some can game where you have to throw a tiny ball and somehow manage to get it into the can that is really far away to choose from a selection of prizes. He pays for six goes and I watch as he tries again and again to get the ball inside the can, after his gos are up and he still hasn't managed to win one, he pays for another six gos, gazing determinedly at the cans ahead of him. On his fifth go, he gets the ball in one of the cans, and I cheer for him, surprised he has won as it looked so hard to do.
"well done" I say, laughing at how proud he looks of himself.
"what do you want?" he asks, talking about the prizes.
"no, you have the prize, you're the one that slaved to win it after all."
"Only because I wanted to win you something" he answers, giving me that irresistible smile.
"fine, can I have the teddy?" I say, giving up the argument, knowing that when someone wants to get you something, you just have to go with it.
"you sure can" he says, asking the man at the stall to get it for me. He gets the teddy up from the highest shelf and Jake hands it to me. I look down at the cute furry white teddy bear, who is holding a red love heart and I smile happily.
"thanks Jake, I love it."
"you're welcome, I'm glad you like it."
He puts his arms around me and we carry on walking down the stalls, Jake insisting on buying me anything he thought I'd like. I tell him he doesn't need to spend any money on me, but he says he wants to so I just let it go. As he takes me back home, the realisation that the outing today was just like a date dawns on me. Although I loved every minute of it, I worry what this means in relation to Edward, and if I'm even in the right place to be dating anyone anyway.
I let us both into the apartment and I hear a banging sound coming from the living room. Jake turns to look at me suspiciously, has someone broke in? I start freaking out that Charlie's escaped and come back to get me, is he going to hurt me even more this time because I'd got him in so much trouble? I start hyperventilating as I watch Jake grab a knife from the kitchen and hold it up as he enters the living room. He seems to relax though, as he drops the knife and signals for me to follow him in there. I walk in cautiously, still scared that it's going to be Charlie, until I spot the familiar pixie-like figure standing there.
"Alice? Where have you been? I was worried about you."
Thanks for reading, I know not a lot has happened but it's focusing on how Bella is coping with what happened for now. Merry Christmas, I hope you all have a good one :)
