Chapter 24
WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY
I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx
Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )
Alice's POV
I stand there, ashamed as Bella looks at me with shock. Then, she smiles, glad to see me, I guess. I feel terrible that I ran away when I did, but the memory of what had happened when I had came home that day was scarred into my brain permanently. I know it was selfish of me, after all she'd had to go through, I was the one who freaked out and ran off with Jasper. When I had told Jasper what had happened, he had been stunned, after all something horrific like that doesn't happen very often, thank God. But, when he had come out of his daze, he had been lovely, reassuring me that I wasn't in the wrong by wanting to take a break and that's what any normal person would do after witnessing what I did.
I had willingly believed what he had said, because it's what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear to make myself feel a little less guilty. But, deep down, I knew that running away was selfish, and that just when Bella had needed the people who cared about her in her life the most, I had left without telling anyone where I was going. I knew that what I had done was 'rash' and 'stupid', I knew it as I packed my bag and drove off with Jasper following obediently behind me, but that didn't stop me.
The fact that I hadn't bothered to communicate with anyone to say where I was going or what I was doing stung the most. What the hell had gotten into me? What kind of inconsiderate person clears off the minute things get hard? It was in that moment that I had understand how poor Edward had felt for those long six months, after he had been forced to leave Bella behind. The guilt he must have been consumed by every time he looked at Bella's sad face. I hadn't been thinking of anyone but myself, and I knew it.
For the 5 days I had been gone since it happened, me and Jasper had gone to some stupid 'wellness retreat'. We had found a leaflet for it at a gas station, what a joke, and the way they described it sounded good. A break from everything, flipping yoga and relaxation to clear your mind. Jasper had gone with it because he knew I wanted to try it, but I knew he didn't really want to do it. He could see how the guilt of running away from Bella was eating me up inside, and he had told me I should go back, it wasn't doing me any favours to run away from the problem. But, of course, I hadn't listened, even though I knew what he was saying was the truth because I was scared. Scared that Bella, Edward and Jacob wouldn't forgive me for being such a bad person, scared of what I would return to. So I had done the damn yoga everyday, acting like it would help the images twisting round and round in my head, driving me crazy. It was always the same pictures that haunted me, Charlie lying on top of Bella's damaged body, the way she had stared ahead with those empty, haunted eyes and the image of Bella cutting herself playing over and over again. It was stupid, but even though I already knew what was going to happen, every time Bella fell unconscious, the silver blade dropping onto the bloodied floor, I panicked as if it had just this minute happened.
After the retreat had ended, I had refused to accept the fact that I needed to go back and apologise to Bella and Edward until Jasper had forced me to, knowing it was best for both me and Bella if I did. And that was what had led me to standing here, scared to look Bella in the eye, the last time I had saw her being when I had found her in a mess on the floor after her own father had raped her.
"Where have you been?" Bella asks again, sounding hurt.
"Um, me and Jasper went to some wellness retreat for a break," I answer absent mindedly, ignoring the images in a slideshow on my head, all starring Bella.
Jacob guffaws in disbelief as he stands beside Bella protectively, acting like I'm going to damage her even more than she already is.
"got something to say?" Jasper asks him from beside me, annoyed.
"oh nothing really except the fact that both you and your girlfriend cleared off and failed to mention to anyone where the hell you were. This being right after Bella had to go through the worst thing ever, and you let her worry about Alice when she already had so much to worry about."
I just look at Jacob, as he glares at me with distaste. I notice, out the corner of my eye, as Bella puts a feeble hand on Jacob's shoulder, signalling him to calm down. And everything just gets on top of me in that moment, the fact that Bella had been worrying about me being selfish after what had happened to her and that she was now trying to be some kind of peacemaker when nobody should have been arguing in the first place, upsetting her even more.
"I'm so sorry Bella" my voice breaks and I cry for the first time in years.
"its okay," Bella says back simply, as if everything I had done was nothing.
"no it's not, I've been really selfish all because I saw something terrible happen to you, and instead of being there for you, I ran away like an idiot."
"Alice, it's fine, I'm just glad you're okay, I really was worried about you."
This just makes me cry even harder though, as the whole thing should have been the other way around, I should be the one comforting her, telling her how everything's going to be okay and how I was worried about her.
Bella comes over from the other side of the room and hugs me, and I feel her tears as well as we embrace, an unspoken bond between us. We stay, hugging, for a while and when I pull away from her, I notice that we're the only ones in the room, Jacob and Jasper having left to give us some time alone.
"are you ok, did Charlie get what he deserved?" I ask her and I listen as she explains all that's happened since that dreadful day. An hour later, we've moved on from serious talk to girly talk about how it's going with Jacob and Edward.
"so, what have I missed?" I ask her playfully.
"well, Jacob actually took me on some kind of unofficial date today."
"ooh, how did that go?"
"it was really nice."
"so do you definitely like him as more than a friend now?"
"Yes, but I'm not sure how I feel about the date yet. I haven't decided who I want to be with yet, and me going on a date with him kind of complicates things with Edward."
"I get that, but how are you ever going to make your decision if you don't know more about what Jacob's like to date?"
"I guess."
"plus there's always a bit of extra eye candy in it for you," I joke.
Bella laughs, and I notice sadly that her laugh isn't what it used to be. Even though she's laughing, her eyes are still really empty and fearful.
"Bella, is Charlie in jail?"
"For now" she answers, tensing.
"what do you mean for now?"
"until they get the rape kit back and then if he's proven guilty, he'll go to trial but if there's no evidence of what he did, they'll have to let him off."
"oh."
It's all I can answer as I feel angry at the law system, how is it right if Charlie could potentially be let off like he's completely innocent after the monster he was to Bella?
Jacob and Jasper come into the room then, and we all make small talk, although I get the sense that Jacob is still mad at me. He acts like everything is fine though, for the sake of Bella, but I know better. Jasper picks up on the mood in the room, and turns to look at me questioningly, I shake my head, signalling that all is ok.
I know that Jacob doesn't like me because I ran away and made Bella think I was in trouble or something, but I need to speak to him about the vision I had of Bella whilst I was away at the retreat. I didn't tell anyone else about it, not even Jasper, but I know I should tell Jacob so he can look after Bella and make sure nothing happens to her again. For all Edward said about Jacob or the 'mutt' as he calls him, he seems nice to me. I can tell that all he cares about is Bella, it's obvious in the way he looks at her and how much he worries over her. And, although I'm supposed to be rooting for my brother, I can imagine Bella being happy with Jacob, her caring about him as much as he cares about her.
"Jacob?" I ask, hoping he doesn't refuse to speak to me privately, else that'll make things more complicated.
"yes?", he asks, clearly confused as to why I'm addressing him and not Bella or Jasper.
"can I talk to you for a second?" I ask him, trying to show him, with my expression that it's important.
"okay" he answers, his brow furrowed.
I lead him out of the room, ignoring both Bella and Jasper's questioning, curious looks. When we're out of earshot, I open my mouth to speak but Jacob gets there first.
"what's this about, if it's to ask me why I don't like you after what you've done, I'm not interested."
"no, its not that."
"then what the hell is it? What reason have you got to want to speak to me, who you don't even know, privately?"
"jesus, just be patient, will you?" I answer him sarcastically. He rolls his eyes and waits for me to speak.
"while I was away with Jasper, I had a vision of Bella."
"what did you see? Is she ok?" he asks worriedly.
"I don't know if she's ok, I saw her cutting again."
"what? She promised me and Edward she'd stop" he says sadly.
"I know, but she hasn't, this was two days ago, I think. I only told you so you can make sure she's safe and that she doesn't end up in hospital again like last time, I can tell you really care about her."
"thanks for telling me, I'll have to confront her to see if she lies to my face. You know, you're really not as bad as I thought, Alice" he muses.
"well, thanks, what a compliment," I smile though, relieved he doesn't hate me as much as before, because it matters if he gets along with me or not, he's a big part of Bella's life and so am I.
Jacob's POV
Alice and Jasper leave a little while later, and ever since Alice told me about seeing Bella cutting again, I've not been able to stop worrying. I thought she was done with that shit, after it had ended up with her in hospital last time. I had hoped she was over it, even though it was stupid as I knew self harm was an addiction and Bella had gotten herself deep in it. I knew deep down it would be a lot harder to get her to stop than one promise.
"Bella?"
She turns to look at me, and I'm dreading this part, having to ask her outright if she's hurting herself again, and she'll probably lie straight to my face without even thinking about it.
"have you been hurting yourself again after you promised you'd stop?"
This gets her attention, and she looks nervous, her pale hands shaking.
"no, I wouldn't do that" she says, looking down at the carpet.
"are you sure?"
"yes."
"look me in the eye, Bella" I say, sad that she's willing to lie to those who care about her so she can carry on hurting herself until she ends up dead.
She looks me straight in the eye like I asked and I don't know why, but it hurts even though I knew she would.
"you're lying."
"no, I'm not" she protests angrily.
"you are, Alice saw you" I say and I step closer to her, lifting up her sleeve abruptly. She winces and I gaze sadly at the fresh red cuts that now litter her wrist. So much for her feeling better.
Thanks for reading :)
