Chapter 3
Erin had a productive day. She woke up at around mid day, and got up and tidied around the apartment. She even managed to organise her and Jay's books properly - something they'd not got around to doing since he had moved in. She even cooked their dinner - Jay's special chilli (he finally taught her how to cook it after a lot of nagging). She was currently sat on the couch, watching friends - waiting for sleeping beauty to finally wake up. She stayed in bed with him for a while when she woke up - but he showed no signs of waking up anytime soon, so decided to spend the day doing things she had needed doing for months.
Jay felt himself waking up, he stretched his arms and reached over to Erin's side of the bed to cuddle up to her. He was confused when the sheets seemed cold and she wasn't in bed. He opened one eye and looked at the clock on the other side of the room. He shot up when he realised it was almost 5pm. He had slept right through - not waking up once. He got out of bed and went through to the living room.
Erin is sat on the couch watching friends, "Hey, you ok?"
He nodded, "Yeah, great. Do you want a drink?"
She shakes her head, holding up a glass of coke. Jay went into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee - even though it was the evening, he still needed his 'morning' coffee to wake himself up. He took his drink and sat down next to her, "How did you sleep? You seemed to be flat out all night. You barely moved." She asked, turning the tv off and turning towards him.
"Great. That was seriously the best nights sleep I've had in forever. I know that it won't happen every night right away, but I seriously needed it," he replied, "I know we haven't really talked about everything, but I want you to know, I'm not naive. I know we need to talk properly - things won't go back to normal right away. I know I really hurt you, much more than you're letting on."
She nodded, "You really did hurt me, Jay. You left me - you came and went after that speech you gave me back when Voight was being investigated for Bingham's death. But, I've been thinking a lot today while you've been sleeping, about how everything went down after Nadia died, and I was on my... sabbatical. You never judged me, or gave up. I actually wish I hadn't given up on us so easily, but I was trying to protect myself. I did give you your time to 'go off the rails' so to speak. I knew that sooner or later we would talk through everything." She told him, she reached out and took his hand, "Truth is, I never stopped loving you. I actually understand why you pushed me away but as I said, I tried to distance myself. Ask Will, I always text him to see if you were ok. I know it's not going to be easy, but we will get through this, together."
Jay I nodded, "I was thinking, I'm going to call Dr. Charles tomorrow to set up an appointment and I'm going to text James from my support group and just explain what's gone on. He's tried to reach out a few times but I've ignored him. I know I've fucked up. Big time. I just want you to know, I never intended to hurt you. I did what I truly thought was best. I thought that by leaving, I could get my shit together and sort my mind out... but look where that's got me," he sighed, slumping his shoulders.
Erin saw him sitting the, looking ever so broken, she reached out and squeezed his thigh, "I get it, Jay, I really do. I'm not going to lie, I didn't at first and I was heartbroken - not just heartbroken but so fucking angry. But, seeing you these past couple of months, struggling and obviously not coping has broke me. Everyone - Hank and Platt included kept asking me if you were okay. We were all worried about you. They knew it was bad when even I couldn't give them an answer. It broke my heart seeing you struggle on your own. I made a promise to myself to be there for you when you were ready."
"I'm ready now. I need to do something about what went on. The things I did and saw overseas were…" He sighed, looking for the right word to say, "They were… awful. Evil. Stuff no man should ever have to see or do. I really want to talk to you about some of the things I went through - but I can't… Not yet. I need to talk to Dr Charles first - seeing as talking about some of the things I went through and hearing the other guy's stories at the group meeting really seemed to trigger me. The PTSD episodes I had after those meetings were nearly as bad as when I came home and I can't do that again. I need to have some things in place to safeguard me and you. I am scared of what I could do to you if…" he shook his head - he couldn't even think about it.
"I understand. You need to figure out where your head is at. I just want to say - whatever you tell me won't make me think any less of you."
"I wouldn't be so sure. Some of the things…" He begun but she put her hand up to stop him.
"Jay, did you judge me for some of the things I've done? I mean, a 15 year old prostitute with a drug problem - people judge. But you didn't - you accepted it because it's part of who I am. Just like I will accept anything you have to tell me about your time overseas - and even what happened when you came home. People are put into situations where they do things that they don't particularly want to do - but they have to in order to survive. You were following orders - you weren't able to just one day turn around and be like 'nah. I'm not doing this anymore' during a tour. You had no choice, Jay. I understand it. You have to accept it and come to terms with it, too. You're going to get through this Jay and I am going to be here no matter what." She said.
"Thank you," His voice came out as a whisper, "I just want to get back to normal."
"And you will. I'll help," She said, reaching over and turning his face so she could look him in the eyes, "Are you ready?"
"Ready for what?" He asked.
"Ready to come home? And get back to normal?" She asked, hopefully.
She saw Jay's face light up a little, and one of his signature Halstead grins appeared on his face - something she hadn't seen in so long, "Of course. I'd love to. I love you, you know that?"
She smiled and leaned in to kiss him - the first time since he had moved out - just a quick peck but it meant everything, "I love you too."
He kissed her one last time and pulled her into his side, "So, how long have you been up? I know you love your sleep but five pm seems to be pushing it a little," He laughed.
"You're right, that would've been pushing it, but I woke up at around 11 but didn't get out of bed until like half 12 because by then I was really craving coffee," She laughed, "I have actually had a productive afternoon. I cleaned up, I sorted out our books and I've made us some chilli for dinner - your secret receipe of course. I know you prefer home cooked food over takeaways every night. I bet you're hungry are you?" She asked and he nodded, "How about, we grab some plates, put on some of your animal documentaries on and chill out? I know you've slept a long time, but I can tell that you're still tired."
"Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I haven't actually cooked this dinner in such a long time because I always associate it with us so didn't want to make it without you," He admitted, shyly.
"I actually felt the same. I made it today because it just felt right," She replied, "Come on, let's go and plate it up."
Once they had their food, they sat on the couch and ate their dinner while watching 'the secret life of the zoo' - one of Jay's favourite documentaries to watch to unwind. It was nearing 22:30 and Erin was struggling to stay awake - emotions don't half tire you out sometimes. Jay saw that she kept yawning and suggested that she goes to bed.
"Are you going to join me? I have missed my Jay-shaped pillow," She joked.
He shook his head, "I'm not that tired yet. I was thinking I should go for a run - coffee at 5pm wasn't the best of ideas," he laughed, "I'll join you when I get back, though."
She looks worried, he had admitted to her that he used running as a coping mechanism, and it definitely hadn't been healthy for him. She had seen that his feet had healing bruising and blisters. It was as if he sensed her worries, "I promise - this is just a run. Not a 'mental health at a low so I want to break myself' run. I was thinking to do my usual night time route - the one round the park - 45 minutes tops."
She sighed, "Okay, just… don't push yourself."
They walked into the bedroom, "I won't. I just need to clear my head a little. You know I get antsy if I don't leave the apartment. I promise - I'm good. More than good," He smirked, leaning down and giving her a kiss.
She smiled up at him, "Okay, you still have some of your workout gear in the drawers over there."
Jay went and grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt which he quickly changed to in the bathroom. As he left the bathroom in his gear, he was just about to ask Erin if he could borrow her earphones when she held them up to him, "Here, I know you don't like running without your music."
He grinned and took them out of her hand, "Thank you. I love you."
"I love you too," She replied, and gave him another kiss, "Now get out of here already!"
He left the bedroom and grabbed his phone and keys off the side and made his way out of their apartment. Thinking of it as their apartment again made him break out into a grin. As he set off on his normal route, he began thinking about everything that had transpired over the last day. Hank calling him into his office to talk to (more like interrogate) him seemed to have got the ball rolling. Jay had really struggled since the reappearance of Abby. He had pushed the memory of that weekend in Vegas completely out of his mind and hadn't thought of her since. That made him seem like he was a terrible person - but he wasn't - he was just hurting. Truthfully, he was scared to tell Erin anything about that time of his life - that was why he hadn't talked about it. He was embarrassed at how he had handled it. He should've sucked it up and asked for help before he spiralled. Will calling Voight seemed to be the catalyst into him finally managing to sort his head out. As he thought of Will and everything he had tried to do for him over the last couple of months, he realised he hadn't spoken to him at all for two days. He sat down on a bench and pulled his phone out of his pocket and finally checked his texts. Thankfully - the team hadn't contacted him - as much as he loved them all, he didn't want their pity. He wanted to go on as normal with them (as normal as he could be, anyway). He knew they'd all been worried about him and he felt bad for how he had handled himself - he hadn't been safe. He had been a liability and as Voight so bluntly put it - a distracted cop is a dead cop. He was more worried about getting one of his team killed because his mind hadn't been in the right place. He sighed, thinking about how dangerous he had been since the reappearance of Abby but he was just grateful that everything had been okay in the field and no one had gotten injured or hurt in any way because of him. He saw that he had six messages from Will, at first, wondering where he was and then the final - letting him know that Erin had told him that he was safe and to call or message him if he needed anything. He took out his headphones and called Will's number.
Will hadn't hesitated to pick up, "Hey, where are you? Are you okay? Are you at Erin's still?" he asked.
"No, I'm in the park. I went for a run," He sensed Will was about to say something but quickly carried on talking, "Don't worry - it's a back to normal run, not one of the kinds of runs I've been going on for the past couple of months."
He heard Will let out a breath (probably relief), "Good, I'm glad. So, how are you?"
Jay smiled, "You know what? I'm okay," for the first time in a long time, he really believed it, "It's been a weird couple of days. I got called in to Voight's office and he made me talk. I ended up having a mini panic attack after telling him what was going on. I was completely out of it - and Erin came in and helped calm me down. We both got signed off for three days - with the flu," He informed him.
"What? Flu?" Will asked, feeling slightly confused.
"It was a way for Voight to justify being down two detectives. So anyway, me and Erin talked a little yesterday and I slept through most of the day yesterday. I woke up at like half 8 last night, we ate pizza and caught up on TV and went to bed at about 02:30. I slept through - solidly - until 17:00. No nightmares or anything."
"Shit…" Will let out, "I mean, that's good. I'm glad you finally slept."
"Yeah, me too. I just want to say, thanks I guess, for calling Voight."
"I am sorry for going behind your back, Jay, but I was just so worried about you," Will explained.
Jay smiled, "No, don't be. It's actually given me and Erin the kick up the ass we needed. We are doing okay, we talked properly today after I woke up. I'm officially moving back in - so tell Nina that she can have her couch back as of tomorrow," He heard Will chuckle on the other end of the phone, "I'm also going to contact Dr Charles tomorrow and set up an appointment. I am finally going to get the help I need. I just want to say, thank you for everything, Will. You're an amazing big brother and I honestly don't know what I'd have done without you these past couple of months."
"I'm proud of you, little bro. I really am. Don't worry about it - I am here for you anytime you need me. I am actually off tomorrow, so you can stop by whenever you want to get your things." Will replied.
"Thanks, bro. Love you big man," Jay replied - they rarely said the words 'I love you' to each other, but Jay felt like he needed to say it today.
"I love you too, man," Will smiled, "Shouldn't you be getting back on your run? I'm sure this convo has taken you out of the zone."
"Oh shit! I gotta go! I told Er, that I'd only be about 45 minutes and it's been well over an hour! I'll text you tomorrow when I am on my way. Night, Will."
"Night, Jay. See you tomorrow," Will replied and ended the call. He felt that for the first time in nine weeks that he could finally breathe. He was so happy that Jay was finally going to get some help - hopefully this would be the first step of him finally getting through all the pain he has been carrying since he came home that final time.
Jay put his music back on and ran back to the apartment. He entered quietly - just in case Erin was asleep. He realised he had been gone over an hour and a half as he put his keys down on the side. He grabbed a glass of water and quickly downed it. He rinsed it out and put it on the drainer. He also quickly washed the dishes from their evening meal (he couldn't sleep if it wasn't done).
Once everything was washed, he turned the lights out as he walked to the bedroom. Once he walked in, he saw Erin was sat reading on her iPad, she looked over the top and smiled at him.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I sat down at the park and called Will - I just caught up on what's gone on seeing as I have been completely off the radar since yesterday," He explained, knowing she had probably been worrying about him.
"That's good. What did he say?" She asked, moving her iPad to her lap.
"He said that he was glad that I'm okay, and that he's proud of me," he replied, shyly.
Erin smiled, "I'm proud of you too, you know?"
Jay broke out into a shy grin and went to lean down to kiss her. She dodged him and put her hand out, "Nope. You're all sweaty - go shower!" She cringed.
"Yes ma'am," He chuckled and grabbed a pair of boxers and some PJ shorts before he walked into their bathroom. Erin smiled - hearing him chuckle again was amazing. She couldn't believe how much she had missed his stupid little chuckle. She heard the shower go on and grabbed her iPad and continued reading. If it had been any other time - she probably would've surprised him and joined him - but she didn't think they were there yet.
He came out the bathroom twenty minutes later dressed in his PJ shorts. He yawned and climbed into bed. Erin put her iPad down on her bedside cabinet and felt him snuggle up behind her. He pulled her close to his chest and placed a kiss on her shoulder, "Good night, I love you," He whispered.
She turned her head and placed a kiss on the underside of his jaw, "I love you, too. Good night," she murmured before turning back and burying her head into the pillow. They both drifted off to sleep relatively quickly.
AN: Thank you for all the reviews on the last chapter! I had a review that I hadn't updated on Friday as apparently I update on Fridays - that was news to me haha. It was a complete coincidence that I updated two Fridays in a row! . I know Jay isn't opening up about what actually happened to him overseas but I am going to focus on coping mechanisms and stuff for him to get him able to being more open about his past. Hope you enjoyed this chapter - I really appreciate your feedback! :D Don't know when the next update will actually be but I will still be working on it as normal. Still haven't finalised the AU story I'm writing yet - finding that harder than I anticipated lol. But yeah let us know what you thought :)
