AN: This chapter is mainly Jay talking to Dr Charles. potential TW for mentions of suicide

Erin rolled over and reached to cuddle up to Jay seeing that she had come to bed without him, but felt that his side of the bed was cold. She opened one eye to check the time on Jay's alarm clock and saw that it was 02:35. She had come to bed four hours ago and Jay had said he would be through after he had finished that episode of Africa's Horizon. She knew he was worried about his appointment with Dr. Charles which was today. He had been unusually quiet since they had come home from work, after hitting a dead end on a lead, Hank finally sent them home to get some sleep, telling them all to come back in the morning. She kicked the quilt off and went to go and find him. She saw him sitting on the couch, staring at a blank tv screen, she was worried about him even more now. She approached him slowly as not to startle him. He seemed to notice her presence and he finally turned and looked at her, "Hey… What're you doing back up? I was just about to follow you in," He said as she sat down next to him.

"Jay, I went to bed four hours ago," She replied.

He blinked a couple of times, "Oh… I hadn't realised. I watched the rest of that documentary and turned the tv off. I must've zoned out."

"Are you ok?" She asked, tentatively.

"Yeah, just thinking about seeing Dr. Charles. I just don't want to go backwards. I'm worried that talking to him is going to bring up so much more shit that I have buried down since my last tour. I don't know if I'm strong enough to relive it all," He admitted.

She pulled him towards her and hugged him tight, "It's okay, I get that. You're going to be okay though, Jay. You're not alone in this anymore. I'm here - lean on me and let me help you carry your load."

"I'm just worried you're going to look at me different. Some of the stuff I have locked away in here is… brutal, evil and absolutely terrifying," He sighed, trying to pull away from her comfort, but she didn't let him. She just held on tighter.

"Jay, I won't look at you any different. I promise," She replied.

"You don't know that…" He argued.

"Jay, did you look at me any different after I spoke to you about my past? What I did as a teenager? Who I ran with?" She asked and he finally looked up at her and shook his head, but was about to interrupt but she stopped him, "No. You didn't. Don't you give me the whole 'that's different' bullshit. I don't care what you've done, I really don't. I care about you, facing your demons and coming through all of this. You are an amazing man, Jay. I love you and nothing you did will ever stop that. Now, come on let's go to bed because we have to be at the district in six hours or so. You need sleep, especially if you are going to talk to Dr Charles. You not sleeping makes you worse - so come on. Let's go to bed and get some sleep. I'll be here if you have a nightmare."

He nodded reluctantly so they both to bed, but instead of Erin snuggling up to Jay, he snuggled up to her with his head on her chest and his leg tangled between hers. He knew she had fallen asleep rather quickly, she was exhausted. On Saturday afternoon, just as they had been about to call it a night after closing a 'quick' case, a new case came in. A 15 year old boy had been found murdered, and there was very little evidence pointing to the possible killer. They had worked through Saturday night and through the day Sunday - the unit were living off coffee and quick power naps in the break room. There was evidence that he was a possible drug dealer and it seemed that he had been taken out by a rival gang but there was no evidence to suggest who had done it. They thought they had been getting somewhere with some DNA which had been left at the scene, but it turned out to be the person he had sold the drugs to's DNA, who had a solid alibi which was backed up by CCTV footage in his street. So the case went back to square one and everyone was frustrated so Voight had sent them all home to get a good nights rest before coming in bright and early the next day to try and focus on other possible leads. Jay struggled going to sleep but had found that having Erin's arms around him very comforting. He slowly felt himself drift off to sleep and the last thing he thought about was how amazing she was.

Jay sat anxiously waiting for his appointment with Dr. Charles, he felt incredibly guilty for leaving the team during the case and even offered to stay but Hank wasn't having it, he basically said if he didn't go he would bench him. After saying a quick goodbye to Erin, Jay left and drove over to the hospital to attend the appointment. He was currently sat outside Dr, Charles' office, anxiously waiting. He had never actually done therapy before so he was worried, especially after how the PTSD group meetings worked out for him. He was finally called in and he took a seat on the sofa across from Dr Charles' desk, "Hi, Jay. There's no need to be nervous," He started as he saw that his leg was bouncing uncontrollably and he seemed to be extremely agitated.

"Sorry, it's just, I've never done this before. There is a lot of shit locked away in here and I'm scared about what could come out," Jay said, honestly. He knew there was no point in lying to him, and was trying to be straight with himself too.

"Today is just an initial appointment to talk about whatever you feel comfortable with. What bought you here today? You said on the phone you have been having a hard time recently, do you want to talk about that?"Dr. Charles asked, opening up the conversation, already knowing that he was in the army and had more than likely dealt with a few issues after what he had mentioned on the phone.

Jay let out a breath, "I've been struggling for a while now, but basically my PTSD has resurfaced. I thought I was fine for a long time. I thought I had dealt with everything I went through overseas but I hadn't dealt with any of it. I'd just learnt to push it down so far that it didn't bother me anymore."

"But something has triggered it?"

Jay nodded, "Yeah… This past year or so, stuff has been happening. My friend Terry died last year - pretty much right in front of me. He was in the military too, I had to dig my uniform out of my wardrobe again - that was really tough. But, I got through it. Voight gave me a week off and Erin managed to get three days furlough so we went up to my grandad's cabin to help me get my head sorted. I didn't seem to struggle too much as I thought I would've. Then earlier this year, my best friend, Mouse," He sighed, not wanting to remember what Mouse was doing and where he most likely was at this particular moment, "He was in my unit in the rangers, he struggled more than me reintegrating into society and he lost himself for a few years. He decided to go back overseas and I just couldn't cope. I didn't think it was the right thing for him, but Erin made me see that it wasn't the right thing for me. And so, off Mouse went. I talk to him as often as I can but it scares me knowing that he's over there and I'm not there to have his back. He seems to be doing well, but him going back caused me to have nightmares again - some of the trauma from our final tour came back to my mind. I managed to keep how bad it was from Erin, just because I didn't want to bring her down with my stupid baggage," He laughed, realising how stupid that sounds, "But that backfired because a couple of months ago, someone from my past came back and well… She messed me up big time," He said, letting out a sigh, "Her name was Abby. She was also in the army and we were in Vegas for another one of our brothers' funeral. I was a mess, it was just after my mom had died and I was either drunk, high or both. Sometime in the night, we decided to get married and I couldn't even remember when I woke up. When I realised what I'd done, I signed the annulment papers and left. That was one of the lowest points of my life."

"So, this all seemed to have happened in a similar period of time. Was it after your final tour?" Dr Charles asked, so he could try and make some more connections, making note that Erin seemed to be a big part of his life. He had mentioned her lot.

"Well, it was. It's not just the final tour though. Though, that tour was absolutely horrific - we lost six men during the war, and a further five afterwards due to suicide. When I came home, I was numb. I was excited to see my mom, but when I got home, she was on her deathbed. She had kept how sick she really was from me, I knew she was sick but I didn't know how bad until I saw her lying in a hospital bed in the living room. I spent six days straight sitting with her, taking care of her, talking to her about our memories. I was alone in dealing with it. My dad was out banging other women and Will, well he was god knows where partying it up in New York. Anyway, I basically sat and watched her die right in front of me. I think that was one of the most traumatic things I have ever witnessed - and I saw a lot of shit overseas. After that, I spiralled. I was having nightmares every time I closed my eyes. Constantly reliving the shit I saw and did, it was awful. I started using to try and numb the pain, I was drinking all the time and I'm not proud of it, but I slept around all the time. Just so I could feel something other than the pain I felt when remembering what I had been through. That happened for about five months or so after my mother passed away, I was totally alone at this point. After Vegas and the sham marriage, I was completely ruined - my brain was exhausted. So, I went up to my grandfather's cabin - to take advantage of the quiet."

"So, what happened up at the cabin? Did it help?"

Jay didn't know what to say, he had never actually told anyone about this before and he wasn't sure he knew exactly what to say, "I went up there for the peace and quiet. I just needed to stop the noise that was going around in my head. I - I thought about ending it all at one point. It was a real low point of my life and I just couldn't see a way out," He admitted quietly. Feeling slightly relieved about finally telling someone about his lowest point. He no longer wanted to lie or ignore what he had gone through. This was the biggest step he had ever taken to try and get through the troubles he had faced since his mom had died and the horrors he had seen beforehand.

"I can't imagine how you felt at that time, what made you stop yourself?"

Jay cleared his throat and rubbed his hands over his face. He could feel himself getting worked up and was reminding himself to breathe, he let out a final big breath before he began talking, "I was so close to doing it, I had a full bottle of hydrocodone open and a bottle of cheap ass whiskey ready to down it with, but I looked up at the wall and saw a picture." He went quiet for a moment, remembering what he had done and picturing the picture he was talking about.

"What picture was that?" Dr Charles nudged gently, as he had been quiet for a couple of minutes.

Jay sighed, and blinked out of his current day dream, "It was a picture of me and my mom the last time we went to the cabin, between my two tours. It was such a lovely picture of us, I actually have a copy of it in my wallet and keep it with me at all times. After seeing that photo, I just thought about how wonderful she was and how much I loved her. I miss her every single day, but seeing her and remembering how happy we were made something in side me click. She took her faith extremely seriously, and not only would I have disappointed her by marrying Abby when I didn't even like her all that much, but then getting 'divorced' the day after. She would have been so angry and upset with me. But another thing came to me - I don't know why but I remembered that in school we were taught that suicide was a sin. Now I know I'm no practicing catholic and I haven't been since I was a teenager and even then it was never serious. But my mother? She believed. I knew that if I had took my own life she would have been so upset and I just couldn't do it. I don't even know why I couldn't, I was going to, I had it all planned. No one but Will knew I was at the cabin and at that time, we barely spoke so I knew if he suspected anything was wrong with me, it would be too late for me to be saved by anyone. But thinking of my mom and everything she believed in, something stopped me. I flushed the pills down the toilet, got on my running gear and went for a run to clear my head. During that run was where I decided I was going to take my life back. I packed up my shit and drove back to Chicago that night. I needed a place to stay, so stayed in a cheap hotel until I could find an apartment. The next day, I walked into a police station and got the papers to sign up for the academy. After that, I managed to focus on something and I threw myself into work. I barely thought of the war, or anything that had happened to me and when I did, I managed to bounce back quite quickly. Well, I thought I had, but I obviously hadn't actually dealt with the issues I was facing, I just pushed them right down to a place where I could forget about them," He sighed, as he continuously rubbed his hands across his face. He felt like he could cry, talking about this had been harder than he ever imagined, but he couldn't cry. He just couldn't. If he started, he was afraid he would never stop.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of that alone, Jay. I would like to know, what made you come to me now? Is there a main reason?" Dr Charles asked, after seeing how what he had just told him made him feel.

Jay nodded and sat up straight with his back against the couch. His leg was bouncing and he kept rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, "Uhm - yeah. I have a pretty good reason. Erin. I hurt her a lot by leaving her. I was too caught up in my own issues to see that leaving was probably the worst thing I could've done."

"Why did you leave?"

"I didn't want her to have to deal with my shit. PTSD isn't pretty and I was so scared that I was going to hurt her but in reality, I probably hurt her more by leaving. I mean, I thought me moving into Will and Nina's apartment would help me," Jay sighed.

"Why is that? I take it you leaving really did not help?"

Jay let out a chuckle, "No, it really did not help. It actually made me worse - I've barely slept in the past 9 weeks since moving out. When I did sleep, I had terrible, terrible nightmares. It got to the point where I was so scared of sleeping but Will knew I was struggling, so he told me to speak to my GP and possibly go on some sleeping pills - just to get me to sleep."

"How did they help?"

"They didn't. Although I was sleeping, my nightmares continued - but I couldn't wake up and I was so restless and shouted so much in my sleep. I was even more exhausted after sleeping on sleeping pills than I was on not sleeping. I stopped taking them shortly after, but I used to feel guilty when I was restless and made noise through the night with Will and Nina were on day shifts. So I used to stay awake all night watching my documentaries until they'd leave, and then I would get an hour or two when they left. Sometimes, I could feel myself falling asleep through the documentaries because I was so tired, so I started going on runs or to the gym in the night so I would stay awake long enough. Some nights I would run 13 miles by 06:00 and my body was just exhausted."

"So, have you moved back home now? Or are you still at Will and Nina's? You said that Erin was your reason to come and talk to me, so why is that?" Dr Charles asked, trying to get inside his mind more.

Jay smiled, "Yeah, I am back home now. But it was kind of forced upon us by Hank."

"Hank Voight? Your boss?"

Jay laughed, "Yeah, the guy who originally told me to keep it in my pants was actually pushing us back together," Dr Charles laughed at that, but Jay carried on, "Basically, Will had been really worried about me, so he called Voight. He called me into his office and basically forced me to tell him what was going on. After I'd told him, he just told me that 'a distracted cop is a dead cop. Or even worse. A distracted cop ends up with a dead partner' and I just broke down and I had a panic attack."

"Have you had many panic attacks? Is this a new thing or have you had to deal with them in the past?"

Jay cleared his throat, "Yeah, I've had panic attacks quite a lot. When I first came home from over seas, I was having them regularly. They calmed down after I started the academy and busied my mind. Recently though, I started having them after my group sessions."

"Group sessions?" Dr Charles asked, writing it down in his notes.

Jay nodded, "Yeah, well, I thought that going to these group PTSD meetings that it would help me get better. They didn't help though, it made me worse. Hearing other people's stories triggered me, I was having nightmares about thing's I had literally forgotten. I managed to go to three meetings before I just stopped because I couldn't cope with listening to the stories. It was traumatising. I naively thought that a couple of group sessions would be all I needed," He let out a sad chuckle at his naivety.

Dr Charles dropped his pen on his notebook and looked up at Jay, he saw a man who was struggling and didn't know where to turn to, "I think the reason that your group sessions didn't help was because you didn't really know what you were dealing with. You had no real support system in place and you didn't have any techniques to get you through the anxiety you experience when you deal with these memories."

Nodding at his statement, Jay replied, "I do want to go back. I can see that it would definitely help me in the long run. But I think that being home - back with Erin will also help - she is my support system."

"So, you never did finish your story about Erin and how you went back home. Care to finish?" Dr Charles asked, not forcing him, but giving the opportunity to think of things that are helping him on his own.

"Erin helped me through the panic attack and I kind of broke down. Voight signed us off for three days to enable me to get my shit together. We went home and talked a little, not properly because I was exhausted. So we watched one of my geeky animal documentaries and I went to sleep," He explained, then laughed at what he was about to say, "I know this sounds super sappy and really cringey…"

"It doesn't matter how you think it will sound, anything you say here is between you and me. I don't care what you tell me, all I ask is you tell me what you are really thinking so I can help you," Dr Charles interjected, sensing he was embarrassed about what he was about to say. He had heard it all over the years, so he wasn't shocked when people admitted some of these kinds of things. He just made sure to remind Jay of that before he spoke.

"Ok, well, she held me as I went to sleep and I don't know, I felt grounded and protected. I did have a nightmare but she helped me through it and then took my mind off of it by telling me a really random story about her as a teenager and I fell back asleep until eight ish? We ate food and stayed up till around 3 in the morning, then I slept solidly - barely moved at all until like 5pm."

"Wow, really?" Dr Charles said, shocked at how long he had slept.

"Yeah, it was the best sleep I'd had since well before I moved out. But anyway, after I woke up, we talked properly and opened up about what we were both feeling. She suggested I came to see you as you had helped her so much after Nadia died, and I agreed. I'm not naive, I know that going back home and one session with you won't make everything go back to normal - but I want to try and get back to how I was. I want to work through the issues I am having. I want to be a better man," Jay said, passionately. Finally, he felt like he knew what he wanted and was no longer ashamed of wanting to talk to someone about it.

"No, it won't make it all go back to normal straight away, but this is a giant step in the right direction, Jay. You have been through a lot these last few weeks and even years," Dr Charles reassured him, "Okay, so now I've heard some of the background and the issues you seem to be facing, how about we come up with some helpful coping strategies?"

"Sounds good. What do you suggest?" Jay asked.

"Okay, so here is a booklet on grounding techniques for you to concentrate on when you feel yourself beginning to panic. It's best to practice these when you are okay, so you can get the techniques embedded into your brain for the times you may need it. You should read through them all this week and see which work best for you. Although, I would suggest that his breathing practice, right here is usually the most effective for people, you breathe through your nose in while counting to five, then exhale through your mouth - once again counting to five. It's best to practice this when you are 'fine' so your mind can get used to the calming sensation. Okay, so like this," He says as he demonstrates the breathing technique that he is recommending, "Okay, now you try."

Jay nodded and then began copying the breathing technique, which had a strange calming effect on him. Even though he was not panicking in this moment, concentrating on his breathing was helping his mind.

After copying Dr Charles' technique five more times, he put a stop to it, "Okay, how did that make you feel?"

"Calm. So how often do you suggest practicing it?"

"Twice a day, and any time you feel anxious - not just when you feel yourself panicking. It can be any time, it helps you concentrate on your breathing rather than the feeling of anxiety or uneasiness. I also suggest the 5-4-3-2-1 method, which is also in that leaflet - in more detail but in essence, you work back from 5, using your senses to list things around you. For example, 5 things you hear, 4 things you can see, three things you can touch from where you are, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. That is just an example, depending on your situation, you can swap and change the order of those. How does that seem?"

Jay quietly sat and thought about the technique Dr Charles had just told him. He quietly thought of different things he could see, hear, smell, touch and taste. He hoped that this would help him. Jay nodded, "Yeah, calming. I don't focus on my breathing or what I'm doing right now, I took my mind off of what was going on in my head."

"There are many more, but there is one that I think would seem appropriate for you, it's number 22," He said and watched as Jay flicked through the booklet to number 22. He watched as he smiled, seemingly embarrassed that he seemed to be so predictable, "Yeah, I thought that might help. Okay, so I do think that you should go back to your group meeting - but only in a few weeks or when we have managed to establish more coping mechanisms and recognise your triggers. In the mean time, I suggest that you continue opening up to those that care about you. Do not allow yourself to wear yourself out again. That means no more midnight runs or gym sessions - talk to Erin, or do some of your grounding techniques. Keep practicing your coping mechanisms," He suggested and Jay nodded, taking it all in, "As for your nightmares, they're not going to stop - but this week, write down any potential triggers from the day before you have a nightmare - if you have one, then relate that back to the specific dream and tell me what you think next week. Same with panic attacks or anxiety attacks. Continue leaning on Erin, but don't feel forced to share anything you're not comfortable with."

"Thanks. She would never push me to talk about what I'm not comfortable with, just like I never have with her. Just wondering if you have the same time next week open? It's just a good time for me as it's a Monday lunch time."

Dr Charles nodded, "I already have this time blocked out for the foreseeable future. So unless any major cases or any emergencies come up, come in the same time next week. I'm glad you've come here today, Jay. I know it must've been hard for you. But, this is the first step to you getting yourself back on track. We will work through it as long as it takes."

"Thank you, it really means a lot," Jay replied, grabbing his booklet and slipping it into his back pocket as he stood up.

"No problem, Jay. See you next week," Dr Charles replied.

Jay left the hospital and got into his car. He sent Erin a text informing her that he was on his way back to work. When he parked up at the station, he sat there going over what he had just spoken about. His head felt heavy he had talked about the most harrowing time of his life and he was worried about how it was going to play out this week. He was looking forward to going to work to get his mind back in the game. He made a promise to himself to take therapy seriously, and really work on helping himself. He wanted to get better for himself, but more importantly for Erin. She was the love of his life and he knew that she didn't deserve him going into himself and not talking to her about his issues. Especially seeing as he had always forced her to talk to him about what she was struggling with. He shook his head at how hypocritical he had been throughout these past nine weeks. He opened up the booklet and turned the page to where number 22 was, and re-read the advice given to him, going as far as to circling it with the pen that was in the cup holder of the car. He was completely lost in thought when he jumped at a knock on the window, it scared him and he shook off his thoughts and saw that Erin had opened the door.

"Is everything ok?" She asked as he swivelled on his seat so he was sat with her stood between his legs.

He nodded, "Yeah, just talked about a lot of stuff that I hadn't really thought about for a while. I'm okay though, I am going to go once a week - unless cases get in the way. I'm ready to work through it all. I'm ready to get better."

"I'm so proud of you," She whispered, rubbing her hands up his arms and across his shoulders. She snuck a look around the car park and the building and saw that it was empty. She leant in and gave him a kiss.

Jay smirked when she pulled back, "Well, that was extremely professional," He teased.

She smacked him on his chest and rolled her eyes, "Come on, we've got to get back up there. We have some more leads from a CI of Al's that we need to explore."

Jay nodded and stepped out the car to follow her, he put the leaflet on the seat. He read the words again and smiled, 'Picture the voice or face of someone you love'. He could definitely see that piece of advice working. She smiled as he caught up and they both made their way back up to intelligence to plan the next steps in the case.

AN: This chapter took a while to write and I'm not completely happy with it, but I just couldn't figure out how to change it up so I'm just uploading it. I was going to continue the chapter and talk about the case, but that would have taken too long so that'll be the next chapter :D The Boy Next Door is gonna be updated next though - not sure when but hopefully soon!