Potential TW: Death/Cancer/mention of suicide
Al's CI had pulled through with the lead they needed to find the person who killed the 15 year old boy, James Cooper. Sixteen year old Cole Hagen had shot him and surprisingly, he wasn't affiliated with any gangs - he had a grievance with him as the fifteen year old had slept with his girlfriend. What was made out to be a rival gang, was planted by Cole, to throw the police off his scent. Al's CI had told Al that Cole had been mouthing off about murdering James and making it seem like a payback killing. Cole wasn't affiliated with any gangs, and James was a member of The Gangster Disciples, so intelligence needed to bring Cole in before James' fellow gang members got wind of what he had done. They had rang his current school to see if he had turned up today, and he had so thankfully they knew where he would be when someone was sent to pick him up.
"Halstead and Lindsay, go pick him up." Hank ordered. They both nodded and walked down to their car. Jay got into the drivers side and waited for Erin to jump in.
"Can't believe this kid killed someone just for sleeping with his girlfriend!" Erin exclaimed as Jay began driving to the school.
"I know, right? They're kids... like I couldn't even imagine killing someone for doing that - especially at that age. Like if someone had slept with Ally when I was a teen, I'd have been annoyed but not annoyed enough to literally kill someone. Actually, I'd have probably been glad to have a reason to dump her," he joked.
"What? Really? I thought you and Ally were high school sweethearts who were sickeningly in love," Erin teased.
"That's how it was made out to be, yeah. We'd known each other since we were like 5 and had been good friends. Then when we were 14 she was the one to ask me out and I said yes, because I thought I loved her. Well, I did. But as a friend. Anyway, we were together for like four years but they weren't happy years, we fought constantly and I really didn't want to be with her anymore. But I knew that if I dumped her, she would've been heartbroken, her parents would've hated me as they were like my second family. My mom would've probably killed me because of it too. So I stayed with her," he laughed.
"How come you broke up in the end?"
"Well, she was all set to go to university in Phoenix and was trying to get me to go with her but I really didn't want to. I enlisted behind her back and when she found out, she was so upset with me so she ended it," he told her. "I still thought her family wouldn't want anything to do with me, but Gail and Danny had told me that what I was doing was amazing and they were proud of me. My mom was a little reserved and didn't want me to go, but Gail was actually the one to talk her around. But yeah, if she had slept with someone else I wouldn't have killed the guy I'd have probably thanked him."
She laughed, "Wow. How have I never heard that story before? Here I was convinced that you and Ally were the couple of the century!"
He shrugged, "I don't know, it never came up. I'm not saying we were innocent or anything. After Ben died and she was in town, we used to well, you know..."
"Yeah I know," she laughed, "I remember seeing you both that morning."
"Aww were you jealous?" He teased and she rolled her eyes, "It's okay to admit it. I know you were with Severide but it's okay to admit you were pining for me."
"You're such an ass."
"I didn't hear you denying it," he laughed and rubbed his arm where she had hit him, "Hey no need to be violent. Ok, I'll stop," he laughed when she shot him one of her famous death glares, "So yeah, Gail and Danny have always been there for me. They were my second parents and after my mom died, they took me under their wing. After I got my life sorted and went to the academy, they supported me every step of the way."
"I'm glad you had them. Have you seen them recently? I know we saw them about six months ago but I know you like to see them more often." She asked, curiously.
He nodded, "I went for breakfast with Danny about a month ago - I wasn't really myself but he didn't mention it. I told him that I had been staying at Will's for a bit but he just nodded and said he got it. I should reach out and go and see them at some point when we have a few free days. You should come too, you know how much they love you."
"Yeah, we should. Maybe have them over to ours? You can cook your chicken stew," She suggested, knowing that it would make him happy.
"Anything to get me to cook, eh?" He joked as they pulled up to Cole's school.
"What? Me? Never," She feigned innocence, which just made him laugh, "Right come on, let's go arrest this scumbag."
The pair of them entered the school and spoke to the principle who had agreed to meet them before they pulled Cole out of class. They decided it would be best for them to accompany the principle in getting Cole from his class as they knew he would probably flee if he felt he was being taken to the police. As expected, Cole tried to make a run for it when the Principle went into his class. He bolted out of his classroom, right into the path of Jay, who grabbed him and restrained him to try and calm him down before slapping the cuffs on him. Erin read him his rights before they dragged him away to the car and took him back to the precinct for questioning. Cole was adamant he hadn't done anything, but when Jay reminded him of who James had been associated with, and if they had got wind that he had been the one to kill him, they would come after his family to teach him a lesson. Cole had confessed after that, wanting to keep his family safe (though there was still a chance James' crew would take revenge on Cole by hurting his family). From what Al's CI had told him, Cole was boasting about what he had done in front of his friends but when he was finally in front of the police, he was shy and very remorseful. It finally hit him, that he was most likely going to be in prison for a very long time, all because someone slept with his girlfriend. He was distraught, when his dad had come down as his appropriate adult for the interview. Though everyone could see he was sorry, he still killed someone in cold blood at the end of the day, so he would most likely be put away for a large majority of his life. It was sad to see him crumble. But what felt great was that James' family finally had closure and knew what had happened to him. With his killer caught, they felt like they could finally grieve for him properly.
Finally, the case had come to an end and even though it had taken longer than it should've, they were glad it was over. It had been a long weekend and the team were all exhausted, so when Hank had said they could all go, they were all eager to get out of the precinct.
"So who's up for Molly's tonight?" Adam asked everyone as they were packing up for the night.
Antonio, Kim and Kevin all agreed instantly, Erin could see that Jay really wasn't up for Molly's tonight so decided to just say no, knowing that Jay doesn't like saying no to the guys, "No, not tonight guys. I need to go home and sleep. It's been a long weekend."
"Jay?" Adam asked, already knowing the answer - but it was worth a shot.
"Nah, not tonight guys. I'll see you all tomorrow," He said as he gathered up his things and stood up to leave with Erin.
"You all can come in at ten tomorrow. Have a lie in, we went hard this weekend and I need you all on your A-Game. Tomorrow should give us a day to catch up on paperwork and debrief. We need to make sure our evidence is air-tight too." Hank said, as he walked out of his office to address the team, "See you all tomorrow."
Jay absentmindedly handed Erin the keys to his car as they left the precinct, he had managed to keep his mind busy throughout the day - he had to, it would've been so careless to have allowed what he talked about today to affect his job. He sat in the passenger seat as she started the car, "Thank you."
She knew exactly what he was thanking her for, "No problem. Now let's go home. Do you want to pick up Chinese on the way?"
"Yeah, sounds good babe," He replied, reaching over and squeezing her thigh. She began driving off to the Chinese takeaway that was close to their apartment. Jay ran in and got their usual (the workers know them so well at this point, they just see either Erin or Jay and immediately begin ringing through their order).
Once back at the apartment, both of them got changed into comfier clothes and sat on the couch. Jay unpacked all of their food on the table and when Erin joined they both began eating. Jay rolled his eyes when Erin stole some of his salt and pepper chicken - knowing full well he didn't like her Chicken in black bean so wouldn't steal any of hers. Though he never said anything, because he loved her and he would give her all of his food if she asked. Erin had noticed that Jay had been quiet today, and apart from the new insight into his relationship with Ally, he hasn't really said much that hasn't been work related. She knew that therapy could be tiring, and god only knows what horrors were trapped in Jay's mind. He had been through a lot over the years, and it seems he has just pushed everything down for so long and not dealt with it. She had gathered that Abby was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. He had struggled after Terry, then Mouse going overseas again but not as much as he probably should've. Once again, he buried all of his issues down and kept doing so, but then Abby coming back just made everything spill. He hadn't ever really dealt with the things he did and saw while he was overseas, and from what she has gathered, he never really dealt with losing his mom. She watched him as he concentrated on a documentary on the great barrier reef, making it look like he was taking everything in, but she could tell he wasn't really watching. She shuffled over to him and put her head on his arm and wrapped her arm over his waist, squeezing him lightly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and readjusted to her head was on his chest and his arm was wrapped around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry I've been distant tonight," He whispered after a few minutes.
She shook her head, "There's nothing to be sorry about. You have probably talked about some painful things today, that have stirred up some horrible emotions. I totally understand, you never have to apologise for dealing with your demons."
"Yeah, I talked about mostly coming home today. Nothing about what I actually did or saw overseas, it was mostly about how I coped, or rather didn't cope with my grief after my mom died and the big spiral I went on," He admitted. Erin just ran her fingers up and down his arm, but not speaking, as she sensed he was not finished. "I'm not proud of how I acted after she died. When I came home, I was so excited to see her - she was my motivation for getting home safely. I knew she was sick and that her cancer had got worse, but she didn't tell me just how bad it was. I pulled up to my childhood home that day to see all the front garden completely overgrown. That's when I knew that there was something wrong, because she always took great pride in the gardening. She had all sorts of flowers growing on the porch, hanging baskets and such a neat lawn which didn't have one weed in sight. But when I came home, the plants were dead, the lawn was overgrown and it was riddled with weeds." He wiped away the tears that were forming in his eyes, feeling glad that Erin wasn't looking at him because he would have lost it by now. She just continued trailing her fingers along his chest, over his t-shirt. "So yeah, I walked in the house and went into the living room and saw her. I thought that the things I had seen overseas were bad, but there was nothing that could prepare me for walking into our house and seeing my mom lying in a hospital bed, barely able to move, hooked up to IVs, had a tubes coming out of everywhere and there was a stranger sat by her bedside." He paused, reliving what had happened in his head for the first time properly in years.
Erin had sensed he was struggling and sat up and her heart broke for him. Her Jay, her strong Jay had silent tears streaming down his face. She reached up and wiped his eyes, "It's okay, you don't have to talk any more," She whispered, kissing his forehead before wiping the tears that had fallen once more. She wanted to cry, but she knew he needed her to be strong for him to either finish this story, or to let him get it all out. She wasn't going to judge him - this was healthy and 100% needed.
"No, I wa-nt to," He cleared his throat, "I actually need to."
She nodded in understanding as he opened up his arm again for her to lay her head back on his chest. She sensed he found it easier to talk to her about this without looking directly into her eyes - which was okay. She often found herself doing the same thing when she had told him about parts of her past she wasn't exactly proud of.
He cleared his throat again, "So, I walked in and there is a stranger sat by her bedside. My mom's face lit up when she saw me and she sat herself up some more and opened her arms for me to give her a hug. She was crying, I was crying and it was so emotional. I was so happy to be back and see her but seeing her like that completely broke me. She told me that she didn't have much longer left, and she was supposed to be in hospital but she wanted to be home for my return. She didn't want me coming home to an empty house," he took a deep breath and wiped his eyes again. "She told me that my dad had left and Will had decided to stay in New York - claiming he couldn't deal with it. What kind of doctor couldn't deal with that?! I was furious. I was this close to getting on a plane to New York and bringing him back here myself - but I could tell from the look in her eyes that it wasn't worth it. He was going through his own things but it took me so long to forgive him. I found out that my dad was sleeping with a woman from work and had shacked up with her a few weeks after I had left for that second tour - leaving my mom all on her own. She had fought all on her own and refused for anyone to tell me because she knew I'd probably end up getting killed because of how worried I was. Or I'd have done something stupid to try and get home and probably end up in trouble," He chuckled, sadly. "She was right. I'd have probably done anything in my power to enable me to go home. Even if it meant me being AWOL and risk getting arrested. So anyway, she fell asleep not long after I came back and I spoke to the nurse who had been sitting with her, keeping her company. She told me that she didn't have long left to live and if I had been any longer coming home, she may not have been here. I told her that I would look after her. I wanted to take care of her, it's what family does. I didn't want to have random nurses coming in and out the house taking away from the last moments we had together. So, the nurse gave me a thorough lesson on all things medical. She showed me how to change the IV bags of saline - and how to prepare her morphine pump that had a continuous supply of morphine basically being pumped into her. I had a rapid introduction into catheters and colostomy bags too. She was nil-by-mouth and had no feeds or meds through this tube they placed in her stomach, she was on TPN which was fed through an IV 24/7. She told me everything I needed to know, and gave me her number to call her if I needed any help. The agency said they would send someone in once a day just to double check that everything was going okay and to change her TPN feeds. Me and my mom had six whole days together after that. We talked about anything and everything, we reminisced about the good times we shared together. Funny stories about me and Will as kids. I told her a few funny stories about what happened overseas. We laughed, we cried. We watched funny TV shows," He smiled, remembering them both laughing at reruns of Fraiser. "The day she died, I think she knew it was coming. We were talking about times up at the cabin and how much fun we had there. Then one minute, she looked at me, reached out and held my face…" Tears were now streaming down his face, and he could tell Erin was crying because his shirt was getting wet. He appreciated her not saying anything just yet. He cleared his throat before carrying on, "So yeah, she held my face and said 'Jay. I held on so I could see you again. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing man and I love you more than anything'." He wiped his face some more, he still remembered every word. "Then she lay back against the pillow and I held her hand as she closed her eyes. It was just like she went to sleep. She wasn't in pain, she just fell asleep and never woke up."
There was silence in the apartment, the low volume of the documentary was the only thing that could be heard. Erin was shocked, she hadn't expected him to open up to her like this so soon - she wasn't complaining though. It was better that he was open and honest with her about what he was feeling. She pressed a kiss to his chest and finally sat up to look at him. Silent tears were streaming down his face - a sight she never thought she would ever see. She wiped his cheeks with the pads of her thumbs and he did the same to her - she hadn't even realised she was crying too. "Jay…"
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you," He whispered, holding her face.
"Thank you. Thank you for telling me, I can't even begin to understand how traumatising that was for you. Thank you for letting me in," She replied, holding the wrist of the hand that was holding her face.
"Within those six days after coming home and her dying, I had forgotten I had been badly injured and that was when the pain started, which led to abusing the pain medication which led to the bad decisions and the huge spiral. I haven't really thought about that time for so many years. I spiralled after that and I think that was the catalyst into everything that happened in the few months after I came home, which lead to that crazy Vegas wedding. It was about six or seven months after she died that I finally joined the academy and got my life in order. I talked a little bit about my mom today, not in that much detail but I've been thinking about her all day. That's why I've probably seemed quieter and I appreciate you saying no to Molly's. I just needed a night to talk to you and open up some more. There are still things that I don't know how long or if I'll ever be able to tell you about. I just want you to know that I do trust you, and I do want to talk to you about these things. You are the reason as to why I am doing this. If I didn't have you in my life, I'd have probably ended up back in the place I was leading up to Vegas."
"I appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me about that. I'm here for you whenever you want to talk some more. I promise to always be there for you when you need me," She replied. She leaned in and chastely kissed his lips, "I love you."
"I love you, too," He whispered back.
She squeezed his shoulder and got up off the sofa and went into the kitchen, she poured him a large whiskey and grabbed herself a beer. She knew that alcohol wouldn't make it better, but she knew that was a huge thing for Jay to talk about and he deserved a drink - one drink. She was glad that he hadn't needed the drink to actually tell her about what had happened, but she knew that he definitely needed one. She walked over and passed it over to him, he tried to refuse which made her smile and made her pass it to him again, "Come on. Just one drink - you need it after that. I know resorting to booze isn't good, but the fact you just told me 'no' is the reason why you can have this and not worry. I won't let you fall down a hole, I promise," She told him, passing him the glass. She kissed his forehead again and sat down next to him as he took a sip of the whiskey.
"Thank you," He mumbled, putting his arm around her shoulder and bringing her closer to him.
"That's why you have backup," She replied, taking a sip of her beer. She grabbed the remote and flicked through their recent recordings before finding a documentary on Ocean Parks which they hadn't seen before. She put it on and the pair of them sat in silence, watching the documentary and listening as the narrator explained about the Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary.
It was around 23:15 when they finally retreated to bed, emotions usually wiped them out, and Jay was genuinely exhausted. He'd had a really heavy day, first off talking to Dr Charles about what happened to him after the Vegas wedding and his suicide attempt, going into work and listening to this kid talk about killing his friend and then coming home and pour his heart out to Erin and tell her all about his mom's final days. He could tell that he'd shocked her by being so open and honest about what he went through, but he knew that she respected him even more after tonight. He had been shocked at how much he had told her, but he realised that he really needed to tell her about everything he had gone through, and only then would they be able to fully move on from what they had been through. They were both tired and got into bed after quickly brushing their teeth, Erin had crawled in after him and snuggled up beside him, resting her head on his chest and putting her leg over his waist. He played with the ends of her hair as she slowly drew patterns across his chest. Within a few minutes, he felt that she had fallen asleep as she had become heavier on his chest (though, he didn't mind, he actually preferred sleeping like this). He was tired too. He could feel his eyes drooping, the last thing he thought of before he went to sleep was how amazing the woman lying with him really was.
He was finally coming home. He couldn't wait to see his mom. The front of the house was a mess - why was it a mess? That was when he knew. He felt his heart drop and he ran inside and saw her, lying there. Six days. Six days he looked after her. She told him that she was so proud of him and that she loved me more than anything. He watched as she took her final breath, "Mom… Mom, please… wake up!"
Erin woke up as she felt that Jay was very restless beside her. She didn't know whether he was having a nightmare at first or whether he was just in a restless sleep. "Please… Wake up! Mom! Please come back! I can't…" Yep. This was a nightmare. Her heart broke as she heard him call out for his mom in his sleep. She could feel him getting worked up, so she finally lay a hand over his chest and gently shook him awake, "Jay. It's okay, you're here. You're safe. You're at home," she whispered into his ear, "Come back to me, Jay."
Jay felt himself being pulled out of the nightmare and shot up in bed, his breathing was rapid and he was sweating badly. He was struggling to catch his breath, everything that Doctor Charles had told him had completely left his brain and he felt himself begin to panic at not knowing how to calm down. He felt something rub his back, "Hey, it's okay. You're here with me. It's okay, Jay," the voice said, "Just calm down and try and control your breathing." He did as the voice said, "Good. In and out. In and out," She whispered, "You're okay. It was just a dream. Just keep focusing on your breathing."
He finally felt himself calming down, and once his breathing and heart rate were back to normal, he felt Erin squeeze his shoulder, "Hey. Are you okay?" She asked, kneeling next to him.
"Yeah, I'm sorry… That was a rough one. I haven't had that nightmare in such a long time," He replied, "I need to go and shower. I feel disgusting."
She nodded, kissing his cheek, "You go and get yourself sorted, I'll sort out in here."
He was confused as to what she was sorting out, but he caught sight of the sheets that were soaked in sweat, "Oh god, I'm sorry…"
"Don't apologise, it's okay. You just go and take a minute. I will get everything else sorted out then we can go back to sleep."
He nodded, as she pressed a kiss to his sweaty forehead, "Thank you, babe," He replied as he got out of bed and went into their bathroom to get showered and changed.
Once Jay had left, Erin quickly changed the bedding and put it in the washing machine. She grabbed them both big glasses of water before going back into the bedroom. As she came back in, Jay was just coming out of the shower, wrapped only in a towel, "Do you feel any better?"
He nodded, "Yeah, a little bit," He replied, grabbing a clean pair of boxers and PJ shorts and quickly getting changed. He saw the pint of water on his bed side cabinet and smiled - she was so thoughtful. He took a big gulp and drank half of the glass before setting it back down, "I think I should go and sleep on the couch…"
She shook her head, "Nope. Not happening."
"I don't want to hurt you or keep you awake. We both have work in the morning," He said.
"We don't have to be in until 10:00, which means we don't have to get out of bed until 09:00 at the latest. I can't sleep without you by my side anyway," She replied, lifting up the covers up for him to slide into bed.
He smiled and crawled into bed, this time, letting her engulf him in her arms and putting his head on her chest, allowing her to slowly run his arm up and down his back to lull him back into sleep. She was worried about him, but she was just so glad that he had opened up to her today. She was happy that he had let her be there for him and that he trusted her with one of his biggest troubles. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head once she had felt him drift off. She checked the clock and saw that it was only 02:34, so she still had a few hours of sleep before they needed to be back up for work. One thing she was sure about was that Jay Halstead was an amazing man, who deserved to be happy. The last thing she thought of before she finally fell back asleep herself, was just how proud she was of him after he had finally talked to her about his past.
AN: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapte. I didn't expect this chapter to end up like it had - I just started writing it and it just came out lol. Was going to post it yesterday but it was late and I couldn't proof read well haha. Let me know what you thought :)
