A Waken 16.4
I spent most of the next few days with the words rattling around somewhere in my head.
I hate the world.
I had said that, hadn't I? I hadn't thought about it in a long time. I hadn't been that angry in a long time. I was… I was happy. And it was okay to be happy. Why shouldn't I be? The world was a mess, I should take all the happiness possible where and when I could.
Mom would want me to be happy.
She'd want me to live a life worth living.
"Are you okay?" Charlotte asked at lunch. "You're spacing out and not like you usually do."
"Hmm?"
"Yeah, that's not normal, Taylor. What's… This is about the trial, isn't it?"
I jerked my head up and met her concerned gaze. "Trial?"
"You know." She rolled her eyes dismissively. "The so-called 'Winslow Nine.' The prettiest pretty girls who ever strutted the hall and would never hurt a fly."
Oh. That. That did infuriate me, but at the moment I had other things on my mind. At least Kati's life would be a bit easier.
"Kind of ironic," she mumbled beside me. "We went along with that to hide your identity. Didn't exactly work out how we figured."
I bit into my sandwich and tried not to think about that. It was a lot easier not to care when… Why did I care? What did it matter to me? Let them fucking lie. Sophia wasn't my friend and she wasn't a good person. It was disgusting that Blue Cosmos wanted to sully her and use that for their own ends.
But they would find someone else if not her. I couldn't do anything about it.
"But..." Charlotte sighed. "That's not it. You'd be glaring if it were that."
Did she know me that well?
Of course, she did. We ate lunch together nearly every day. We saw each other all the time. We had similar experiences.
She was my friend.
Shit, I was a terrible friend. All this time, I hadn't really absorbed that Charlotte cared about me. Hell, she seemed to care about most people unless they gave her a damn good reason not to. She was a good-hearted person.
"Want to talk about it?" Charlotte asked.
I shook my head no.
How exactly does one go about talking about being happy and wanting to live without sounding a tad bit suicidal?
"Okay." She continued drinking her soup from a tall thermos and said nothing else about it.
I took her for granted.
I took a lot of things for granted. "Charlotte."
She tilted her head mid-sip. "Hrm?"
"You're a good friend. Thank you."
Charlotte gagged and quickly covered her mouth.
"Sorry," I mumbled. I can't even thank someone right.
"Now I'm worried," she choked. Wiping an arm over her mouth, she asked, "What's wrong?"
I hesitated for a moment. "Just dealing with some things I never thought I'd be dealing with."
I realized it was easier to want to die. Wanting to die, you didn't have to worry if anything really turned out the way you hoped it would. You could just go off in a blaze of glory, say you did everything you could, and dump the problems of the world on everyone else.
In case it wasn't obvious, I wasn't very happy with myself about that.
Irony of ironies. I didn't want to die anymore, and that meant having to live with the truth that I'd been disturbingly okay with the idea. I had managed to put that off for a bit; there were things to do. Plans to set in motion.
Well, I'd mostly done that now.
Now we were waiting.
And waiting meant I had a lot of time to think. "Is there going to be another picket line today? At the factory, I mean."
Charlotte looked at me queerly. "That's it. You're worried they're going to get hurt standing up for you…" Her brow rose and her cheeks turned red. "Oh… Oh fuck, yeah. That's… That's fucked up. No wonder you're sour."
Well, she knew half of it.
"But maybe it's okay," Charlotte murmured. "I don't think they're dumb. The people who are standing around the fence to support you… They know they might get hurt."
Hurt, she said. "They might die."
"I think they know that too."
I wasn't so sure.
"Funny." Charlotte smiled solemnly. "That's exactly what we needed at Winslow."
Veda said something like that. "The stakes were a lot lower then," I pointed out.
"Maybe that's the bright side. Brighter side. If they didn't stand up for us then, at least they're doing it now, when it matters a lot more." She smiled. "Better late than never?"
She has a point, but it's the principle of the thing.
"Is this a bad time?"
Charlotte and I jerked at the interruption. We looked over our shoulders and Lily flinched.
"I'm sorry, I'll—"
I cursed. "I forgot. Sorry." Stuffing my mostly finished sandwich into my mouth, I rose and waved to Charlotte. Swallowing my meal, I pointed Lily down a path and away from the courtyard.
Talking to me publicly was probably eyebrow-raising, but Flechette wasn't known to be Asian. With how things were, the first thought would be that she wanted to join Londo Bell or help out at the factory. Charlotte had recruited a few of our classmates to intern and staff Kati's PR team.
Once I'd led Lily away and safely out of earshot, I started by apologizing. "Sorry. We keep missing each other."
"It's fine," she said, glancing around. She seemed more cautious than nervous. "We've been having a lot of impromptu training sessions and briefings. Miss Militia… I think she's worried about something. Armsmaster never worked us this hard."
…But I hadn't even mentioned Ali yet.
Which reminded me to do something about that because I couldn't not tell Hannah. She had history with the man. He certainly had history with her. If he came back to Brockton Bay, he might even go after her before me.
I made a mental note to warn Miss Militia as soon as I could.
"It's been busy," I agreed. "What's up?"
Lily frowned and folded one arm over her torso. "It's…"
"Complicated?"
I did better in this sort of conversation. I could keep my voice even. My mind focused on the problem.
Truthfully, I didn't need her to tell me what this was about. I could guess. What I didn't know was why.
I decided to skip over what we both knew and cut to the underlying problem. "Why? Do you not trust the Protectorate anymore?"
Lily tensed, face turning a mix of red and pale all at once.
She averted her eyes from me and turned to lean against the wall. "It's not that."
I waited.
Something made Lily want to leave the Wards. If it wasn't a loss of faith, maybe it was her sudden promotion. Weld resigned and was working on organizing the Case-53s now. That made Lily the leader. Except she was leaving and I had to imagine that wherever she ended up, she wouldn't be in charge.
Ah. "You don't want to leave the city, do you?"
"What?" She snapped her head toward. "Wha—Why would you ask that?"
"It's a guess," I admitted. "Most of the Protectorate is being transferred out and those transferring in are… Well, they're not exactly the kind of people who show up to build a team. Olive is already going, and I'm guessing you're being transferred too."
Lily hesitated and then nodded.
"Kind of a dick move to promote you just to send you to another city," I offered.
"Promote me?" Lily pushed off the wall and shook her head. "Oh no. That's not it."
Oh. "Sorry, I thought—"
"I don't want to leave," she said bluntly. Her face turned red, and a sharp tone entered her voice. "I'm sick of leaving."
I blinked at the clear vehemence that built up in her voice.
"I'm tired," she hissed, "of my entire life being on hold constantly because the Protectorate needs to plug a hole! It's not fair. Every time, as soon as I start settling in it's time to go somewhere else! I don't have any friends. I've never been on a date. I take placement tests twice a year at every new school—"
Lily inhaled sharply and her shoulders relaxed.
"Sorry," she whispered. "I didn't—"
"It's okay." I turned, putting my back to the wall beside her. "I get it. They have moved you around a lot… Your parents?"
"My family isn't much of a family anymore. Hasn't been for a long time." And her tone said that was all she'd say on the subject. "It's not about that."
"What is it about?"
"A lot of things."
I raised my brow. "Anything specific?"
I was not blind to the irony of the situation. I'd talked around Charlotte's questions, and here I was pressing Lily.
"Nothing specific," she replied. "Because it's a lot of things. Little things, big things. I'm just…" She took a deep breath and looked at me. "I'm not where I want to be, and my life isn't going where I want it to go."
"Okay." Go on.
"I like being a hero," she continued. "I like helping people and being useful. I never really minded knowing what my career would be in high school. But I want a life outside a mask and the Protectorate…"
"Keeps moving you and all you have is your mask?"
"Yeah. And I don't know if I can talk to them about it, because they're just going to assume this is about Sabah."
I straightened up. "Sabah? As in Parian."
Lily flinched, cheeks turning red.
Oh. Shit. "Lily—"
"It's not about that," she snapped, turning to look at me. "It's not okay. I'm not thinking about this just because of a crush. That's only part of it! I'm seventeen years old and I've never been on a date. How have I never been on a date?! We're teenagers, that's what we do!"
Double shit.
"I want my life back," she barked. "And yeah, I like Sabah. Sue me. I don't want to quit the Wards just because of her but everyone is going to think—" She stopped herself suddenly and shook her head. "Sorry I—"
"Who have you told?" I asked. "Who would think you wanting to leave is just about Sabah?" Wait, had they even dated yet? Sabah hadn't mentioned anything about having a girlfriend. "Wait, have you told Sabah?"
"No," Lily said firmly. "And please don't say anything. This isn't about her and I don't want anything"—she shook her head—"anything that may or may not happen to become about me wanting to leave the Wards."
She looked me in the eye and repeated herself. "I want my life back, and I'm not going to get that in the Wards. They're just going to keep shuffling me around, and on top of everything else going on, I don't know that I want to join the Protectorate anymore. I don't know if there will even be a Protectorate to join! There are so many investigations and all this talk about threats from Phantom Pain—"
"I get it, Lily. Sorry about the Sabah thing. I understand what you're saying."
Pretty sure I did, at least. Having a crush on Sabah wasn't the point. It was just one of a bunch of things that made her reevaluate where she was and where she was going. I supposed I'd done much the same way back when I'd first gotten my power, and again after finding out about Sophia.
Which meant we'd moved past why and onto what.
"What do you want to do about it?" I asked.
Lily hesitated again. She averted her eyes, put her arm back over her chest, and started running a finger through her hair.
"I… I don't know, honestly. I just know I can't quit and not have a plan."
"Have you talked to anyone about this?"
"I told Miss Militia I didn't want a transfer. She said there wasn't much she could do, and something about Brockton Bay being a city without any opportunity."
It was a dead team. Hannah knew that. Anyone who wanted a future career as a hero wouldn't be starting off right being a Ward or Protectorate member here.
"And I get that," she mumbled. "I do like being a hero. I just don't want to rebuild my life again and again to do it."
"And how do you want to solve that?"
We both knew the answer. I wanted to know if she'd say it.
She hesitated a bit more, looking up at the sky, and then she sighed. Looking right at me again, she said, "I—Is it possible for me to join this thing you're putting together? Londo Bell. I… I heard Victoria has been thinking about it."
"Yeah." I looked to the side. "She hasn't been hiding it very well."
"Is she?"
"If she ever manages to talk to Dean about it."
And with the why and the what out of the way, we moved onto the final step of making a mess for Kati to work at managing.
Because I wanted her.
And Lafter was never going to know I'd thought that.
Reaching into my pocket, I pulled up my phone and started tapping. "You want to join Londo Bell?"
"I… I'm curious."
"So, you're not committed to the idea?"
Lily got an agitated look on her face. "Taylor, I—"
I turned the phone around and held the screen up to her.
She blinked and leaned forward.
"Because if you're up for it, I don't want you in Londo Bell. I want you in Celestial Being."
I didn't want to look like I was poaching from the Protectorate or Wards. It was a bad look and a mess I didn't need. But I'd seen Lily's power in use against Leviathan, and I had a solid idea that it was a lot stronger than anyone realized. Vicky would have trouble directly operating in Celestial Being, but Lily's power was something we needed.
An outright firepower multiplier.
"You've thought about this," Lily realized.
"I think about a lot of things," I replied. Realizing that was a bit flippant, I added, "Yeah. I've thought about it. Since Boston."
I pulled the phone back and looked at the design. It was more or less a copy of Exia, but with different armaments. Particle weapons obviously, but a lot of physical arms too. I made it after seeing how much powers like Lily's could improve something's firepower.
I suspected Lily and Lafter would pair well together but we'd have to test that.
Veda, Lafter, Lily, and me. Lafter and Lily's powers could complement each other. I could enhance the team with tech, and Veda could coordinate and overwhelm. We'd have a strong field team with the four of us. Strong enough I couldn't just ignore it.
Some gains are worth the mess that came with them.
Lily grimaced, nervously staring at the screen. "I don't know how to use anything like that."
"Neither did I, until I did." My brow furrowed when hers didn't unfurrow. "We can teach you how to use it."
"Doesn't it seem a bit excessive for heroing?" She glanced at the screen in my hands. "I recognize that gun. It's a bigger version of what you built at Boston."
"Yeah," I admitted. "We have lots of options for non-lethal takedowns. Stun grenades. Lower power setting beams. We can even use confoam now that Veda is operating DragonWorks." Lily grimaced at the mention. Shouldn't have mentioned that. "That's not what your power is good for though, Lily."
She raised her brow. "It's not?"
"I'm guessing you need stellar aim and a lot of care to avoid maiming anyone with your power because it wasn't made to play nice." My gaze narrowed. "It was made to kill."
"I don't—"
"I want you to use it on the Endbringers."
Lily stared. "Oh."
"Your choice," I told her. "If you want something else I understand, but if you want to be a hero and you want to make a difference… Dynames is what I can offer you."
Lily didn't say much after that. The bell rang and we returned to the school day.
I guess she wasn't expecting me to actually want her to join the team. Admittedly, for a long time, I'd figured it wouldn't happen. I wasn't going to press her to leave the Wards. Even without a cape to enhance it, the Gungnir was a powerful weapon.
But if she wanted to leave the Wards, and she wanted another opportunity to be a hero, I wasn't going to say no.
sys.v/ should I begin production on Dynames?
sys.t/ no
sys.t/ we don't have a spare drive yet anyway
sys.t/ the fourth is at least three more weeks away
There was still time. Part of me worried I'd come on too strong anyway. Lily might back out still, or change her mind and stay in the Wards.
Stopping in the hall, I took a deep breath and sighed.
She really might.
Was my pitch that bad? I replayed the conversation in my mind. It started okay. I'd kept my emotions in check but remained focused on Lily and what Lily needed. And then something went off. I couldn't put a finger exactly where but I came on way too strong there, didn't I?
I wasn't a stranger to recruitment, how did I manage to come on so strong but without my usual sheer confidence? Fuck. Maybe I was second-guessing myself, but since when did I second guess myself like this?
sys.v/ I think you should rest today
I raised my head and scowled. Whispering, I said, "There isn't time to rest."
sys.v/ there is precisely time to rest
sys.v/ there is little left to do that I cannot handle
sys.v/ I am worried
sys.v/ you are stressed
I started to protest but… She was right. I was off. Completely off. I'd been off all day save for the start of talking to Lily.
Hell, I'd been off for a while now. I'd just managed to keep myself occupied with things to do.
I can't get into a fight like this.
I'd get myself killed.
And I didn't want that anymore.
It would be nice if I knew what to do instead.
I returned to my quasi-daze, lost in thought. Chris and Trevor tried to engage me and I managed to put on a normal enough face. I briefly talked to Theo and Weld on the way out. They'd become roommates apparently, at least until Weld figured out a more permanent solution to what he wanted to do.
Living wisely.
The Case-53s had already decided on their course, and they didn't need much prompting from me.
And that left me with my thoughts as I exited the building.
What did normal sixteen-year-old girls do? Hang out with friends? I did that, but my idea of hanging out was beating up assholes and trying to stop a prick from destroying the world. I guess I watched TV sometimes but… I didn't shop or go out, or date. I'd never had the time.
Because I never made the time.
Because living hadn't been important. It wasn't part of the plan… And now…
What would Mom want me to do?
"Not taking the bus? Orga asked.
I paused and looked over my shoulder. I'd auto-piloted myself out of the building, barely paying attention. That included walking right past the usual bus stop.
"Guess I'm walking today." I continued on my way, very much in the mood to take the long way home.
"A little heads up would help," Orga protested. "I'd have brought Shino along, or asked Mikazuki to stay."
Mikazuki. "What is he up to with Trevor, anyway?"
"Up to?" Orga tilted his head and fell in beside me.
"They didn't exactly hang out before. Now they leave school and go straight to his lab."
"…I haven't asked. Mika…" Orga looked ahead, firm. "Mika knows how to handle himself."
Maybe, but I was getting tired of the secrets… Well, isn't that just hypocritical of me? Who was I to chastise people for playing things close to the vest? I wasn't that much of a control freak. I trusted them… Didn't I?
Of course, I did. It's just that they were obviously up to something and trying to keep me out of it. That meant they knew that I'd get involved if I knew what they were doing. They didn't want me involved. I knew they trusted me, so what were they really doing?
To Orga, I said, "He's always been there for you, hasn't he."
"Yeah," Orga answered. He grinned. "I can always rely on Mika."
Do I only trust them when they do what I say? That's not trust. That's… What is that?
"You don't worry about him?"
"Of course I do." His grin became tense and his eyes narrowed. "Mika never knows when to quit. He never backs down… I go to sleep, and I worry he won't be there when I wake up."
"...Why don't you stop him?"
Orga didn't answer first.
We continued down the street to the next corner and waited for the light to change. The city was full of life around us. The same city that had started changing before my eyes months ago. A city that no longer had that same dark cloud hanging over it.
We had a different one now of course but, in contrast to Arcadia, the streets of the city weren't nearly as tense. It flared here and there when people noticed me, recognized my face. But a lot of people didn't and they went on smiling and laughing.
"What right do I have to stop him?" Orga whispered. His grin was gone, and his face long and sad. "Mika knows the risks. He's always known." His smile returned, strained. "He's the bravest person I know. No offense."
My brow went up. "Why would I take offense?"
"You're brave too," he assured me in a more relaxed tone. "Mika gets more credit for not having powers."
I thought about it and, "That's fair." I did say once that powers make courage cheaper.
"I don't know what he's doing with Chariot. I've never had to question Mika. Whatever they're doing, it's probably important to them."
I didn't doubt that. "How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
The light changed, and I started across the street. "Not… Worry without worrying about it, I guess."
Orga tilted his head. "Who are you worried about? StarGazer?"
Who? Ha! "Everyone."
Orga blinked. "Oh."
The lines were so unclear.
What's the difference between accepting risk, and embracing it? Wanting to die and being willing to risk your life. I'd set myself off to die. I could admit that now. It was selfish and stupid. The easy way out.
What about Mikazuki, then? Mrs. Knott and the picketers. Even those Blue Cosmos idiots. Did they realize the danger they were putting themselves in? I couldn't ignore that. And then there was whatever the hell Dinah and Veda were doing.
I could probably figure out who 'Jacob' was, but if I went looking that meant I didn't trust them. That wasn't fair. Veda had a point too. Isn't this exactly what I wanted people to start doing?
What a mess.
I've never not known what to do before. I'd been in situations filled with uncertainty, and I'd made choices in them. But this? I thought I knew where I was going and now I wasn't so sure.
Great time to consider all that, given I'd already set a dozen gears in motion.
And I felt stupid for obsessing over it, but I just couldn't get it out of my head. It felt like being trapped in a dark and confined space, one I remained in because I couldn't decide on anything to do about it. So I did nothing.
The sensation was entirely too familiar.
"What's it you say about being a hero?" Orga asked. "Responsibility or something."
"A hero takes responsibility," I clarified.
I did say that. Wouldn't it be responsible to intervene and stop those picketers before they got hurt? Figure out what Veda and Dinah were up to to be sure they weren't in over their heads?
"Mika's never wavered," Orga told me. "It means I can't either."
"What if he dies, and you could have done something about it?" I stopped immediately, face paling. "I—"
"Then I'll make it count for something," Orga answered. "I owe him that."
"You're certain you can?"
"I'll find a way… Not that I want to."
"And when does it end?"
"End?"
"Yeah. Where's the end of all the…" All the what? The pain? The chaos.
Fuck, what was I going to do when this mess came to an end? I went back to school to prove something to myself. I intended to go to college because Mom would want me to. For the most part, I'd paid little mind to a future I didn't intend to live in.
I glanced at Orga from the corner of my eye.
"I don't know," he answered as my eyes fell on him. "Maybe it never ends."
Never.
I stopped in the middle of the street, staring.
Never.
I never had to think about that. It couldn't be done in my lifetime. It would take generations to build everything I wanted to build. No matter how long I lived, Veda would be the one to complete my dream. And I never planned to live that long anyway, so what did it matter?
I'd put my entire life on hold.
Everything was a means to an end. The plan was all I had. I rarely went out with friends. When I did, I only did it to ease them and wind down. I didn't do it to be with them.
Lily was furious that her life was being held up by obligation and what did I do? I didn't hang out with any of the people who cared about me. I didn't stay involved in their lives outside of what interested me. Had I even tried to support Lafter and whatever was happening between her and Akihiro? How often did I just talk to Dinah or Trevor about their day? All my after-school activities were business and hero work.
I didn't spend nights or days with Dad.
I was sixteen and I'd never even tried to get a date.
If I died, so what? It was over. Not having any of those attachments made it easier for me. But if I wasn't going to die, what was living if it didn't include actually living.
"Hey." Orga pulled me off the street suddenly, guiding me off to the side while a passing backlog of people passed by and stared. Orga stepped between them and me, hiding my face as they went. "What—"
"Sorry," I interrupted. "I…" What am I waiting for?
"You don't usually get like this when you're upset," Orga whispered. "What's wrong?"
"Does everyone have an opinion about my brooding?" I snapped. Grimacing at my own tone, I shook my head and turned around. "I'm fine."
Orga followed behind me. "You're usually a better liar too."
"I—" My voice choked over the words.
I stopped again, and again Orga pulled me to the side of the street. "You've been off for days. What's going on?"
What did it say that everyone around me knew me so well, but I didn't feel at all like I knew them?
I leaned against the wall behind me and breathed. Orga stood patiently, eyes on me only for the brief moments he wasn't scanning the street. I appreciated his concern for my physical safety, but at this point, it wasn't necessary.
Anyone on a rooftop who so much as pointed a finger in my direction was liable to have one of the Thrones drop out of the sky on them.
Veda is watching this.
Shit.
"I'm fine," I promised. "I—I'm just thinking about things I never bothered to think about before." Because I planned to die, to reiterate the depths of my insanity.
Orga seemed skeptical. "You look like—"
Glaring at him, I asked, "Like what?"
That was rude, but I didn't need what I was feeling to be described to me.
Orga held firm regardless. "Like someone punched you in the gut." Well… That wasn't inaccurate. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. "Do you want to glare then, or talk about it?"
…
Fuck it. Why not?
It shockingly didn't take me that long to explain.
"And now I have no idea what to do with my life," I finished. "The living part, anyway."
We were almost at my house. Orga hadn't said much while I talked. Really, the only reason it took a while to say everything was because I kept stopping. Whenever someone came too close I shut up and let them pass.
At least I knew Orga. I'd talked to him about stuff before and he didn't feel obligated to me like other people I knew, nor did he feel any need to protect or support me. Beyond the whole business side of things, anyway.
"You think I'm being stupid?" Stupid question. "I am being stupid."
"No, you're not." Orga pushed his hands into his pockets. "I've seen plenty of wharf rats with no idea what they'd do with a life even if they managed to build one. At least as a stooge under some crook's thumb, they know what to do with themselves."
"Not a problem you've ever had?" I asked.
"I've had times where I wasn't sure," he replied. "I still don't know what to do as the younger kids get older. They should be in school. It's a bit late for me and Mika, but they're still young."
But schools weren't exactly equipped for boys in their situation.
"Why can't you get a GED?" I asked. "Nothing's stopping you from applying for it."
"I'd never pass," Orga replied. "I can read and write, and I'm not stupid."
"You're just not educated." He probably wouldn't know how to solve a lot of the math portions of the test, and being able to read and write generally was different from writing essays.
"That's fine with me," he affirmed. "I don't mind. Tekkadan's business is good and growing. We'll get by. The younger kids can do more though. They could go to college, become doctors or lawyers. Whatever they wanted to be. They're still young."
"And you've written yourself off?" That kind of talk sounded familiar to me.
"Why would I do that? I don't mind where I am. I have work. I have my family. Being honest, that's more than I thought I'd have."
I thought back to Halloween and bowed my head. Even with Dad and Veda, ours was a broken home. I never thought I'd find family…whole, again. I didn't realize how much I wanted it.
If I wanted it.
Maybe we both want it.
"Somehow I can see you thirty years older doing exactly what you're doing now, and you'd be content." I hoped he didn't take that as an insult. On second thought—
"I'm simple," he replied. "I'd be content."
Guess you can't insult a man with a humble sense of ambition. "You really would be, wouldn't you?"
"Wouldn't you?" He looked at me and offered a reassuring grin. "Is there any aspiration you have greater than being the biggest hero you can?"
"No. I just… There's more to living, isn't there?"
"Like what?"
"Being with my friends as a friend instead of the person who tells them what to do," I grumbled. "Taking school seriously."
"You don't do that already?"
"I don't do anything but exactly what I plan to do."
I planned to oppose Teacher, so I plotted with Chevalier, Birdcage prisoners, Case-53s, and everyday people. I planned to build a better world, so I cut business deals, schemed to help friends take over companies, and turned my hero team into a side-business. I planned to convince people there shouldn't be a war, so I inserted myself into their lives and stupidly went around trying to be helpful and pleasant so they could feel less afraid.
Maybe it wasn't as bleak as that… But it wasn't a pretty picture. My entire life, nothing but steps in a plan.
A mission.
What way was that to live?
"You don't want kids or anything?"
I stumbled, face turning red. "What?"
Orga's expression contorted wryly. "I mean, you're a girl. Do you not want kids?"
Sexism aside, "I guess." In abstract. I'd never thought much about it. Veda existed, admittedly, but that was still different from everything that entailed having children the old-fashioned way. I was way too young for anything like that. "Kind of have to do the whole dating thing first. I haven't even tried."
Orga shrugged. "Being a famous cape can't hurt your chances."
"Not sure I want to date the kind of person who'd only be interested because I'm a cape."
He grinned. "And he has to be taller than you."
I rolled my eyes. "This is what I get for sharing."
"I'll stop if you want, but you don't seem to mind."
Hm. I suppose I didn't. If there was something to appreciate about Orga, it's that he didn't judge. Not really. Murrue would try to comfort me. Kati would offer advice. Veda would try to understand the problem, empathize.
All of those things were good things.
People cared about me.
At the same time, I realized I had a hard time accepting that people cared about me. At the moment, Orga was more comfortable. I couldn't place a finger on exactly why. He cared enough to take notice when I was upset and talk to me. Maybe it's just that with him I didn't need to wonder if he was just being nice or not. I trusted what he said to be exactly what he thought, nothing held back to spare my feelings or put things in a better light.
Kind of weird when I considered that we first met on opposing sides of a hand grenade.
We turned onto my street with little trouble. The police had taken to keeping the reporters away. No more camping the block waiting to get looks at me or ambush neighbors for questions.
We walked to the front door and up the stoop.
"Feel better?" Orga asked.
"No," I answered honestly. "But thank you."
"I tried."
"It means a lot." I pushed the door open, already smelling something cooking in the kitchen. "Are you sticking around?"
He chuckled in response, saying, "I imagine anyone who attacks your house will need me to save them from your wrath." He reached into his pocket. "I've got some work to do if I can sit in the kitchen for a bit. I'll head back when Akihiro brings Lafter back."
"Take a seat," I offered. "Let me check on"—my head snapped around—"Aisha."
"I'm trying to think," she complained from her spot on the living room floor. Surrounded by books. Aisha was sitting on the floor surrounded by books. "I hate math. It's full of numbers."
"Are… Are you doing homework? Without Veda or me forcing you to?"
Aisha's head snapped around. "Comment on it and I stop."
"But—"
She raised her pencil and pointed it at me.
"Okay…" I just wanted to know why.
Half the time, Aisha was either out of the house doing who knew what or sitting downstairs with her power on. I think I forgot she lived with us more often than not. She seemed to like it that way.
What the hell happened and how did I not notice it?
Orga went to the kitchen where Pink was hard at work on dinner and after recovering from the shock, I started to follow.
There was a noise upstairs though and I changed course up the stairs to investigate.
A hairdryer. I knew the sound plenty. Had to master the use of one for my hair. Dad was bald though, and Aisha didn't seem to use a hairdryer when she bathed. So who the hell was—
"Veda?"
She turned around, naked. The bathroom was steaming.
"Did you just take a shower?" I asked.
"Yes," she answered.
"Huh." I never considered that she'd need to bathe.
"Dragon did want her avatar to replicate a normal human body," Veda explained. "It performs all normal organic functions."
I nodded. It was a weird way to put it, but yeah. If her body worked more or less like anyone else's, she'd have to keep BO under contr—"Did you shave your legs?"
"I"—Veda looked down—"tried. It was a more difficult task than expected." I gathered that from the small cuts along her legs. "I am not certain it is worth the effort."
Even I shaved my legs. "The secret is to start above the ankle and then do the ankle last." Most of the cuts were there because she'd probably tried to shave from her ankle to her knee in one go.
Veda tilted her head, one hand in her hair. "I see."
I grimaced. "Hold on."
Stepping into the bathroom and closing the door behind me, I took her hand and directed it to hold her hair out and away from her body. "Dry it that way and you'll end up with split ends."
She tried to turn her head and look, but obviously, that just moved her hair.
"Hold still," I asked. "Just hold it out in a sheet with your fingers and run the dryer over the length. You can wring the strands out as you do it. We'll trim the ends to keep them from splitting."
I directed her hand while she held the dryer.
At one point I stopped, remembering a time when I was eight and Mom had to crouch down and show me how to dry my hair. I'd decided I wanted it to be long like hers. Unfortunately, our hair was also very wavy and curled at the ends. She babied me for over an hour, showing me everything I needed to do to take care of my hair myself.
"Taylor?"
My face was red. "Hm?"
"Are you alright?" She looked at me with concerned eyes. "I overheard your discussion with Orga."
Yeah, I figured. "I'm okay. I…" I released her hand, letting her wring her hair out herself. Grabbing a towel from the bar, I wrapped it around Veda because that was just a bit awkward. "I'm dealing with some things."
"Is it because of Dinah and me?" she asked.
I looked her in the eye and she looked away. Her brow furrowed then and she looked back at me. "This body's reactions can be odd."
"It's called embarrassment," I explained. I folded the towel so it wouldn't fall off. "You'll get used to it."
Veda continued drying her hair and I didn't need to spare her split ends. Figures she'd start assuming it was simple and then get it right as soon as she was shown how. "We should probably get you your own supplies. Your hair is different from mine."
Veda paused and tilted her head. "Are you proposing we go shopping together?"
"No, I—" I stopped, feeling that gulf in my gut again. Narrowing my eyes and relaxing my shoulders, I forced the word from my mouth. "Yeah. Let's go shopping."
It couldn't possibly go as badly as the first time.
