A Waken 16.9

I assembled the new compressor I'd designed during my last session over breakfast.

Well, I assembled a downscaled example.

Dad had already called me out of school. 'Cape business' was generally accepted as an excuse not to be in classes, and I would make up the work with little trouble. At the moment, I wanted to get everything ready and finalized. The conference in the EU was only seven days away now, and there'd be no time to finish any of the work once it started.

As I worked, I lifted my eyes.

Veda stared back at me, hands folded in her lap.

Pulling the pencil from my mouth, I started jotting down some corrections to the design and assured her, "I'm okay now."

Veda frowned. "You are behaving strangely."

Was I? Maybe. I probably wasn't the best judge of my own behavior. Maybe. I spent too much time telling myself I could endure, that I'd get over it or figure it out. Maybe?

Then again, "Maybe I'm actually dealing with my problems this time."

Not all of them, but one of them.

I checked the time and set my pencil down. Stuffing some eggs benedict into my mouth, I rose from the table and grabbed my jacket. Veda rose with me of course and I took solace in that. The compressor went into a bag with my notebook and the bag went over my shoulder.

Dad looked up as I passed the living room. "Taylor. Heading out?"

"Be back later," I told him. "Just have to"—my fingers twitched at my side—"let something go." He started to rise and I waved him off. "It's okay. I'll tell you about it when I get back."

He hesitated but as I reached the door he acquiesced.

I held the door open for Veda and then closed it behind me.

"You're acting weirder than usual." Aisha appeared beside me, hands pushed into the front pockets of her hoodie. "And that's especially weird because weird for you is normal for everyone else."

I kept walking up to the street, quietly accepting Shino's presence as he started up behind us.

"Are you feeling well?" Veda asked.

"I'm okay," I repeated.

We walked silently to the bus stop and from there onto the bus.

"Where are we going?" Veda asked.

"To say goodbye," I answered.

Shino busied himself looking around as we went. He seemed easily distracted. Though, I did notice how he always watched anyone getting on or off the bus closely. He wasn't any less attentive to what he was doing than Mikazuki, Akihiro, or Orga.

Veda seemed to realize where I was going about halfway there.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because," I mumbled. Hanging my head and searching for words... Well, words were hard. "It's time to move on."

She tilted her head in abject confusion. After, I told myself. Veda had been very patient the past few days. I suspected she knew everything that happened despite my efforts. That actually didn't bother me too much. I think I wanted to tell her anyway. At the time it was just too hard to think about.

"Is that good?" she asked.

"Don't know," I admitted. "Just is."

I hadn't been to this part of Brockton Bay in a long time. The houses were spaced out and, compared to my own, luxurious. A few were older Victorian or Colonial style homes. Others were more modern. Like much of the city, the end result was a hodgepodge of old and new.

Like most of the rest of the city, it worked mostly because everything looked equally at odds.

The bus lines stopped short, of course. Once you started getting into the suburbs they didn't go on. We had to walk the next five blocks.

It brought back a lot of memories.

"Taylor?" Veda prompted.

"After," I replied. "Promise."

I felt her frown but the truth was it was still hard. That's the cruel truth. It would always be hard.

Because it would never end.

I spotted the black van at the end of the next block as soon as Veda turned her eyes toward it.

"Shino."

"Sup?" he asked.

"Don't get yourself in trouble," I pleaded, "but could you distract them for a few minutes?"

"The not-remotely-hidden G-men in the super obvious black van?"

I smiled at the description. "Yeah. Them."

"Sure!"

He moved ahead of us, pushing his hands into his pockets. I picked up my pace, turned at the front gate and pushed it open like I had thousands of times before. The memory returned. The knife stabbed at my back. That very first prick. The first betrayal.

I hadn't made it past the gate that day.

It was the last time, before now.

I walked up the stone walkway to the wooden steps. Up the steps to the door. Reached up, my fingers traced the upper edge of the doorframe until they touched the poorly-hidden key. It said something about the low crime rates out in the suburbs that the Barnes could hide the key so poorly and suffer no consequences.

Slipping it into the lock was easy enough, and I pushed the door open.

A voice called out from inside. "Goddamnit how many times do I have to tell you vultures—"

"Hello Aunt Zoe."

She froze, staring at me as she came out of the kitchen. "Taylor…"

"I know my way up." My hand waved Veda back as I started toward the stairs. "I'll only be a moment."

We used to get into laundry baskets and slide down the stairs. We shattered one of Aunt Zoe's vases once. I don't think it was important, but we were kids. The idea of being in trouble was terrifying. Our plan? Bury the remains in the backyard and feign ignorance.

The plan fell apart the moment Emma's father noticed the upturned earth in his yard.

Stupid kids do as stupid kids do.

I walked down the hall and turned toward the door.

I hesitated, naturally.

The cover story was that the Barnes family sent their youngest daughter to a private school in Boston. It was a good enough story. There were records that Emma was attending the school and no doubt some staff and students would swear to seeing her around. She was a quiet student of course, not one who stood out.

A believable story given events, and workable for all while Emma attended an entirely different school under an assumed name.

The PRT took the security of Ward identities very seriously.

With a deep breath, I reached out and pushed the cracked door open.

She was inside, sitting on her bed and reading. The floor creaked as I entered but she didn't move. Figured.

The door closed quietly, and I took a moment to breathe. "I thought you hated reading."

Emma's feet pressed into the sheets. "It passes the time."

I nodded.

The room around us was unchanged. That struck me. Despite everything else that had changed, Emma's room was the same. Way too much pink. Entirely too girly. Emma was feminine, not girly.

Some things never change.

I went over to the window and looked out over the backyard. "Do you remember when your dad's newspapers kept vanishing? He'd go out and come back stomping and shouting that... I can't remember the name."

"Mr. Guthry," Emma answered. "He thought Mr. Guthry was stealing them."

Ah, "Yeah. Is he still living in that house?" I leaned in and looked to the home two houses down. It wasn't very visible.

"I think so."

"We decided to stage a stake out," I remembered. "Set up our tent and camped out along the bushes and watched."

I waited, wondering if she'd bother to say anything.

"It was pink," she reminded me. "Mr. Guthry would have seen it from a mile away."

I'd forgotten that. "We kept falling asleep."

"Took us four weeks of sleepovers."

"And it was the dog," I revealed. "Spot?"

"Spike."

"Spike, right. Kept stealing the papers and hiding them under the shed"—I looked around and pointed—"over there."

"Dad had already shouted at Mr. Guthry. He hates apologizing."

"The old man rubbed it in."

"He's a mean old man."

"Is Spike still stealing papers?" I honestly couldn't remember what happened to the dog, or Alan's missing newspapers.

"I think he died. Last year."

"Guess he's robbing an angel's porch then."

"An angel?"

"All dogs go to heaven."

Emma snorted, and I turned away from the window.

She was still holding her book up and pretending to read it.

The thoughts came back. The shoe would drop any moment. She'd stab again. Twist. Mock me, make me small. Maybe. Maybe not.

I had so many memories in this stupidly pink room. Sleepovers and homework. Child games and pretend. Entire lives lived out in fantasy with the only friend I needed in the world.

It didn't matter anymore. There was no going back.

Some things can't be fixed. Once broken, they stay broken. We can't go back.

English is a shitty language. Broken might not even be the right word. Maybe different. Things had changed. We'd changed, and as much as it hurt the die was cast.

I sat down on the bed and put my arms around her. She stiffened, and I pulled her head to mine. Our cheeks touched, and I closed my eyes.

She could hurt me now, if she wanted. It would be the best time. I didn't want to linger.

Took me a few seconds to work up the courage, even with a sense of urgency. My fingers gripped at her shoulder, torn between wishing I could strangle her, thinking that was beneath me entirely, and dreading that her fingers would close on my neck any moment. It hurt. I was afraid.

With a shaky breath, I said the only thing I really came to say.

"Goodbye."

Emma's shoulders pulled up. I held her, waiting. Wondering.

I swallowed, unsure how much I was shaking. Wondering once again if she—

Finally, her arms went around my waist and she leaned into me.

"Under the bed, in the back."

I blinked. The words were so hushed I barely made them out. I pulled away from her nervously, hesitant. She sat still, staring ahead intently.

Slipping off the bed, I slowly crouched. I never took my eyes off her. A thousand needles ran along my spine. My heart raced. This could be exactly what I'd been waiting for her to do. The next prank.

What would it be? A picture of me in some embarrassing situation? The ruin's of my mother's flute?

Only one way to know.

I bent forward slowly, keeping my eyes on her until I got too low. Pulling up the skirt of the bed, I quickly looked under—

My lips parted.

The underside of Emma's bed was the same mess as always. Clothes, clean and unclean stuffed out of sight. Some notebooks and a random photo album. Stuffed animals. All of it seemed undisturbed and like she'd left it all there for months.

What caught my eye was a glint of silver, stuffed all the way in the back.

A very familiar glint.

Pushing myself under the bed, I pushed through Emma's junk and got my fingers around the canister. It was old and faded. The label was practically worn away entirely. But when I scrambled back out from under the bed, panting and breathing, there it was.

An omega on the bottom of the cylinder, just like all the others.

"Goodbye," Emma mumbled from above.

I was off the floor and out the door in moments. I think Emma had more to say, but she didn't get to dictate how this came to an end anymore. We were friends once. More than friends. More than sisters. There wasn't a word for what I felt for her, or how much what she'd done hurt me.

But as I turned the cylinder in my hand and slipped it into my bag, I knew it didn't matter anymore. This was it. The real goodbye.

The permission I—maybe both of us—needed to go on living.

We could give that final gift to one another.

Aunt Zoe was at the bottom of the stairs, staring up with a hand over her mouth. Her eyes fixed on me as I descended the steps. I stopped, looking at her and sighing.

Taking the last step, I embraced her. "Goodbye, Aunt Zoe."

She shuddered, whispering, "I'm so sorry, Taylor."

I squeezed her once and let go.

"It's not your fault."

Veda stood by the door, watching. "Is everything alright?"

Fuck no it wasn't, but, "It's time to move on."

Outside, I found Shino pinning two PRT troopers in plain clothes down on the lawn. I recognized both of them but kept it to myself. No doubt they had cover stories as a police detail or something in case any reporters came snooping.

"Let them go, Shino."

He lifted his head. "But it was just getting fun!"

"I told you not to do anything that would get you arrested." Turning my attention to the men, I apologized. "Please don't arrest him."

Mu LaFlaga strained from underneath Shino. "As soon as he gets off of us."

"Shino."

"Fine," he drawled.

He got up and then kindly helped the troopers back to their feet.

"I only meant to be in and out. I'm going now."

"Wait."

I stopped as Mu rubbed the back of his neck. His other hand fished in his pocket. "Um. Here." He produced a small scrap of paper and held it out. "If you need to talk to anyone."

My brow went up, but I got a quick look at the number and smiled.

I accepted it quietly and made my exit with Veda and Shino.

I let the Barnes family house fade into the distance. It would always be there. It was never going away. It might change, but... We couldn't help how we felt. It never stops? No. The pain would never stop. We could change how we dealt with that pain. I was ready for a change.

"I'm sorry about the other day," I started. "For cutting you out." Veda turned her head to look at my face. "It was just too much and I didn't know how else to deal with it."

Veda's eyes rolled over my face and she asked, "Did you think I wouldn't understand?"

"Yes," I admitted. "And I was afraid. Afraid you'd think less of me."

"I would never."

I smiled. "I know. It's just... It's this crawling thing. It whispers. Tells me all the worst things I can imagine. I know it's crap but..."

"You were afraid."

"Yeah." I swallowed, not really eager to cry anymore after the last fit. "I'm afraid."

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear."

I blinked and looked at her.

"Franklin Roosevelt," she explained.

Huh. "I like that."

She tilted her head and then started as I put an arm around her and pulled her close.

"Are you well?" she asked.

"She looks okay to me," Shino offered.

"Nope." Aisha walked backwards in front of us. "Definitely something wrong."

Of course something was wrong. You can't make what happened to me right. It would sting. It would sting for the rest of my life, no matter what I did.

I grinned.

Happiness isn't the absence of pain, but rather the decision that something else is more important than pain. Hm. Might need to workshop that a bit. Maybe. A little wordy. More than a little.

"Master stranger!" Aisha called as we got off the bus. "Yup. I'm calling it!"

"Very funny," I retorted.

"I'm serious!"

"And you started doing homework," I pointed out. "Maybe we should throw you in a cell. Make sure you haven't been replicated."

Aisha raised her finger and started to talk, but I let Veda go and turned sharply. "One sec."

I went toward the street corner and met him there.

He stopped, looking down at me with that same sort of waiting curiosity he always seemed to have.

"Um."

Orga cocked his head to one side. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yes. Um. Sorry. I meant to say—I'm sorry for putting all of that on you and not saying anything for a few days." And that was a shitty apology. "That's a shitty apology."

"Apologizing for what?" he asked. I blinked and he looked away from me. "It can be hard holding too much in. It has to come out eventually."

Oh. For a second there I thought he was—I narrowed my gaze, watching his face and feeling an odd sense of deja vu.

"Thank you anyway," I told him. "And for not telling anyone about it."

"No worries," he assured me.

I nodded and, fearing things would become too awkward, I turned back toward the gate where Veda waited. Shino passed me by with a friendly wave, going to meet Orga by the street corner.

I knew what he meant. That wasn't an insult. His position wasn't so different from mine. We both felt the need to be strong for others, and the fear of appearing feeble around them. Maybe neither of us were very fair to the people we trusted most. Maybe the world was fucked up and put us in that position.

Slinging my bag from my shoulder, I produced the compressor design. "I want to try this."

Veda glanced down. "I can begin the printing process."

"I'll be right down," I told her, handing the mock-up off. "We can talk while we work. I need to check with Kati really quick. Should only take a minute."

Veda hesitated but as I continued on toward the factory, she nodded. "Very well."

Kati was leaning against the wall by the big doors as we approached. Veda turned down the ramp leading into the workshop. To my right, the workers building the new facility were making quick progress. We'd have it by the end of the month and could start moving the equipment inside.

Maybe I should let Trevor take over the basement and move out of his corner workshop? He had his own suit now and other projects. He'd needed more space but had been too polite to ask for weeks.

I added 'talk to Trevor' to my mental list and approached Kati.

"I'm sorry," I told her. "For making your job more annoying."

Kati's brow rose. "I've never once found my job annoying"—she smiled—"though you could take some care to make it less challenging."

"How bad is it? The fallout from the courthouse."

"These sorts of things are never really good or bad. I've told you. What they are is tricky or simple."

"And the fallout from the courthouse?"

"Tricky," she confirmed. "We're going to have to say something now. We could have quietly ignored the whole issue before but now that you've shown interest and put fuel on the fire, there are going to be questions."

"I know."

"And Taylor." Kati stood up straighter, her gaze turning downcast and worried. "I've never doubted your ability to handle yourself or hard questions. What worries me is how you'd deal with both at the same time."

Yeah. "I understand, and I'm sorry for leaving you to sort all of this stuff out." I glanced toward the new hangar. "PR isn't what I want to deal with, but I have to deal with it. It's not right expecting you to just clean everything up with barely any help from me."

"The Haros go a long way," she replied.

"The Haros?"

She grinned and explained, "They're a constant feed of distracting nothing stories. Which is a good thing. Little robots and cats are very feel good."

I stifled a laugh and then stared blankly because I'd almost laughed.

"You seem in a better mood," Kati observed.

I shrugged. "Maybe a little."

She watched me closely, like Veda had. Searching.

Except with Veda, I knew what she'd been looking for. She wanted me to be okay. What was Kati trying to find?

"What?"

"Have Orga and you been spending more time together of late?" she asked.

Shit. "No." Too quick.

Kati gave me a small smirk. "Here I wondered if you'd forgotten that tidbit of advice with everything else that happened."

"Huh? Wait, what—" You seem the type to decide who you like and pursue them rather than wait for someone to pursue you.

I stopped and stared.

The condoms. But those weren't for me. She doesn't know that.

Nervously, I turned my head. Using my fingers I managed to get my hair in a way that would keep it from being obvious where I was looking. Orga stood by the corner talking to Shino and nope. Nope.

I was shattering enough mental blocks for one moment in time thank you very much.

Snapping my head around, I found Kati sporting a knowing grin. "Wait. That's not—"

"Hardly my area to pry," she interrupted. "You're a smart young woman. If you can't handle yourself, who can?" Pushing off from the wall, she turned towards the doors and started walking. "I can come down and meet you in a bit. I need to sort some things first. We should probably get you ready for another round of interviews."

I stood there feebly, trying to think of an excuse somewhere between what she imagined and the truth.

I came up blank.

At least Dad didn't know. I hope. Shit.

I'd had enough emotional revelations for one day. I'd deal with this later. Make a schedule or something. One problem a week. That oughta keep them in check!

"Heyo!" Lafter waved at me from the recliner while she watched more of that British guy yelling at people. I waved back and she watched me nervously. "So… Guess I missed some stuff?"

"Hanging out with Akihiro?" I asked.

Her face turned a bright red. "Um."

I actually had to try not to think about Orga. The hell did that mean? "How's that turning out?"

Lafter stared. "Um. I have no idea."

Walking around 00, I started looking over my workbenches and tried to mentally plan a schedule for the next few hours. Tools. Parts. Printing priority. We could have a scaled prototype of the rig ready tonight, run some simulations, and then do a field test in a day.

Should be a good enough way to spend the rest of my tinker time before the world fell apart. You never know when you'll need an upgrade to pull out of nowhere.

"Okay." Lafter sat up and peered over the back of the recliner. "You're freaking me out. Are you okay?"

"No," I answered. Odd how easy that was to admit now. "I've never really been okay."

Veda tilted her head worriedly.

"Maybe I just have a habit of projecting things on the world around me," I wondered aloud.

Maybe that was something best kept to myself but no. I've had my fit and I felt better for it. These were the people I could trust.

"I don't think anyone has been okay for a long time," I went on. "The world's a mess. No one has all the answers. We're all afraid, whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. We're all weak."

Lafter narrowed her eyes. "Well… That's more normal? For you, anyway… What happened while I was off screen?"

I smiled and started clearing some space. "I let some things go."

Maybe it was the placebo effect. That would suck, but I was a worrier. I couldn't discount the possibility I was riding high on something that wouldn't last.

Maybe not.

Maybe something had really changed, and maybe that was a good thing.

Maybe.

There was a lot of that running in my head lately. It wasn't like I'd found any profound answers. I just felt lighter, like I'd let something go that had been holding me down for a long time. The pain was still there, the bitterness and the anger. I didn't think that would ever go away.

I think that's the thing about that kind of pain.

It never ends.

You have to live with it and when you accept that it still hurts. The edge is duller though. I couldn't forgive Emma for what she'd done. That hurt too.

I could move on.

Setting my backpack on the table, I pulled out my notebook and flipped to the design. "We haven't tinkered anything serious in a while."

Veda stepped forward, her expression still cautious. "Not particularly."

"Family project then." I set the notebook down and began tearing out the pages. I lined them up sheet by sheet until they came together. "This is going to solve the problem with 00."

"Another Full Armor system," Veda observed.

"A little more than that," I explained. "Full Armor just threw more compressors, weapons, and armor onto the suit. I want to change the way the GN Field is structured."

Veda looked over the design, and across the workshop I saw my monitors flicker on. They began running, drawing and calculating as she worked.

"These fins are antennae," Veda realized. "You want to project a much larger and more powerful GN Field using the increased output of the Twin Drive."

"I think we're trying to fit too much into too small a space," I proposed.

Veda nodded. "Many of these systems appear superfluous to that intent."

I shrugged. "Figured we might as well see how far we could push it. New swords, bigger projectors. Gungnirs built in here and here. Room for a buster sword here. Bazooka opposite. Khatars and sabers here."

"We would effectively be rebuilding 00 without actually rebuilding it."

"Like a whole new suit, if it works."

Inevitable really. From the start, I'd intended for 00 to be a prototype, but with Exia destroyed I didn't have time to build a new suit. Not right now. All in all though, this would work.

"It should be capable of independent flight too," I noted. "Not sure what purpose we'd have for it but you never know. Mostly I just realized the design could be flight capable using the compressors."

"We still haven't managed to get the Trace System to work."

"I think it might be the GN Particles." Shame too. The movement of Trevor's Kimaris was so smooth. "The technology might not be compatible. Disable it for now. We might have to rework it from scratch. Right now, we have more reason than one to get 00 working the way it's supposed to."

Veda nodded and we got to work.

Later, Kati came down and we talked about PR. I preferred to think of it as clarification rather than damage control. Kati didn't want me to come off as some overly-emotional child. Kind of hard when I was an emotional child.

I had too much power now.

Veda. The Gundams. Celestial Being. Londo Bell. The Birdcage.

If people saw me as fragile they'd be afraid.

But they were already afraid, and maybe what they really needed was someone to tell them that was okay. Especially before the shots started firing. Everyone was right to be afraid.

We couldn't give in to our fear, but we couldn't deny it either.

After that, I went home with Veda. We talked a bit and I told Dad what I'd done.

"I'd have stabbed the bitch," Aisha grumbled. She'd slipped back to the house hours ago. "She deserves it."

"No stabbing," I warned her. "Not Emma at least." I nestled into my father's side, hardly exhausted but a bit wary. "It's done. I'm moving on… Maybe Emma will too."

"Are you okay with that?" my father asked. "After everything?"

"Doesn't matter what I'm okay with," I stated honestly. "It's what I'm doing."

This pain would never go away, but I wouldn't let it control my life. I was going to trust again and if that stabbed me in the back in the future then I'd deal with that pain too. Trick or no trick, Emma was right.

She didn't deserve to win, and I didn't deserve to let her hold my head underwater anymore.

Dad squeezed me. "If you're sure."

"Lame," Aisha complained.

"You can stab the person who hurt you when we get to him," I told her.

"I was gonna do that anyway."

"Well now you can do it and I won't judge you for it." David would probably need extra stabbing before we stopped him. Aisha would have her chance.

We broke to get ready for dinner.

Pink was cooking lobster, apparently. She'd never cooked lobster before.

I waved toward Veda as I moved to the stairs. She followed me up to my room, and I closed the door quietly. "You okay?"

Veda shifted. "I am not the one behaving…oddly."

Crossing the room in a few steps, I dropped down onto my bed. I patted the spot next to me, waiting for Veda to move closer. I think it took her a moment to realize what I meant. She moved stiffly and sat down.

"I'm sorry I disappeared," I told her. "I just…" Yeah. Yeah, just because it felt a bit lighter didn't really make it easier. "I have trust issues, Veda. I've always had trust issues."

"It is understandable," she replied, "given your experiences."

"I know, but I didn't do what I did… I wasn't trying to hurt you. Or Lafter. Dinah… Any of you. I just needed to let something out, and I was so scared. You or Dad would worry. Lafter would be uncomfortable. Kati would try to help but she can't…"

Veda frowned. "You don't think we would understand?"

"No. I know you'll all understand the problem. That's the whole other problem." I swallowed and let myself fall back on the bed. "I always say we're all weak. I know that includes me. I just couldn't bring myself to be weak where all of you could see me."

Veda craned her head around while I stared up at the ceiling.

She lowered herself, laying down beside me and resting her hands stiffly at her sides.

Taking a breath, I admitted, "I couldn't stand to deal with the pity, or the sympathy, or everything you'd all do to try and make me feel better."

Veda turned her head, watching me while I kept my eyes pointed at my very boring ceiling. Could use some wet paint on it. Something to help me focus on.

"Why?" Veda asked.

I grimaced. "Because I want to be the person you all need me to be." With a deep breath, I shifted my weight a bit. "Because I made this thing that we are. This wacky family we've created together. I know it's stupid. I know I can trust you all and I know none of you would judge me but I just can't—Couldn't let myself…"

I began searching for words but they didn't come easy.

"This is because of what Emma Barnes did to you?"

Words continued escaping me. I nodded.

"She has damaged you."

I nodded again.

The idea of the conflict drive came to mind. The Shards wanted us to fight. It was how they collected data. In a way, damaged people were perfect for that. We were volatile, easily triggered. Pun. Trigger events themselves set us up. Moments that so catalyzed our pains and hurts that we would never be able to leave them behind.

"Can it be fixed?"

"I don't know." I choked a bit and tried to explain, "I can put it behind me. I can let it go." I shook my head. "But I think…it'll always be there, gripping at me. Telling me that I can't trust anyone. That I'm just waiting to be hurt again."

Veda looked away, eyes flickering back and forth.

"I'm sorry," I pleaded. "It's not fair but I'm…" What? Human? Weak? Difference? "I know you'd never hurt me."

Veda settled herself a bit. She looked me over and, seeing my hands on my stomach, mimicked me.

"You cannot help how you feel," she offered.

"I can help how I deal with it. And I'm going to deal better, I think. I had this ball of"—I sighed—"darkness that I'd been holding in for so long. I ignored it. I pretended it wasn't there, that none of it really mattered to me anymore." Horseshit. "But it did. It made me who I am now. It will always matter."

"I think I understand," Veda replied. She shifted a bit, again mimicking me. "May I ask a question while accepting that I may not get an answer?"

Odd. "You can."

"Why did you trust Orga, more than us?"

…

Well, that was a new pain. Go me.

I swallowed and licked my lips.

"I"—expected this question and still wasn't ready for it—"I knew that he'd accept whatever I had to say, and just that. To him I'm convenient. A way to give his family what they need but he's never tried to pander to me, or tell me anything but exactly what he thought."

"He would not judge you," Veda concluded, "positively or negative?"

"Yeah. I just had to get it out. After confronting Emma at the courthouse, I couldn't keep it in anymore… He's never bought into any of my masks. He knows they're all bullshit."

"You judge yourself too harshly."

"Maybe, but I think he knows they're not real. He doesn't judge me for that either."

He understood the importance of putting on fronts and the pressure that came with it. Neither of us were allowed to reveal some things, even to the people we trusted most. They believed in us, and we wanted to believe in them. We both wanted to be strong for them.

Still not dealing with that today.

But there was one last thing I needed to get out to break my own little cycle.

"It's not your fault, Veda. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I am upset," she admitted, eyes searching the ceiling.

"You should be. I should have known I could trust you, but I didn't… I was afraid that you'd think less of me for how I felt, because I thought less of me for how I felt."

I inhaled sharply suddenly, and closed my eyes. It was so simple and I was so stupid.

Emma.

Rolling onto my side, I put my arms around Veda and hugged. Huge upside of her having a body. Hugs are very important.

"My hang-ups are my own," I told her. "And I'll never think less of you."

I hoped that was good enough to spare her what happened to me. The guilt and the self-pity that came from Emma's betrayal, and the uncertainty of not knowing. Did she fail me, or did I fail her?

I told Veda as much. It was a lot easier the second time. I didn't cry nearly as much.

"You miss her," Veda mumbled.

"Yeah."

"But you told her goodbye?"

"Yeah. It's time to move on."

Veda turned her face toward mine. "Is it hard?"

Gripping her shoulder till my fingers turned white, I nodded. "Yeah."

She watched me, searching like she did before. Was all of that good enough? Good enough to prevent her from ever feeling the way I'd felt? Could she feel that way? I hoped not. It's not a pleasant feeling.

"Emotions are complicated," she surmised.

I snorted and regretted it. All of this, and she discovered the thing I'd needed years to figure the fuck out in the bluntest manner possible.

"Do you believe you'll never see her again?" she asked me. "Emma Barnes?"

"I probably will," I admitted. "We're capes. It's a small world."

"Will it upset you?"

I thought about it, but, "No. We're not friends anymore."

Remembering, I released Veda and sat up. My bag was by the door where I'd dropped it.

Kneeling, I withdrew the cylinder from inside.

Veda sat up and leaned over. "That is…"

"She told me where to find it." I started choking up again and pressed the cylinder to my chest. "It wasn't me. I didn't cause her to…"

I couldn't say the word and Veda didn't fill it in. We both knew what the cylinder meant.

I didn't make Emma trigger. Turning her in for what she did wasn't the worst day of her life. Perhaps it should have been for what she did, but I'd triggered. I wouldn't wish the lingering resentments and pains I'd feel for the rest of my life on anyone. Not even Emma.

Maybe she had her own sort of trigger. Different from anything a cape experienced, but similar. Either way, I wasn't the cause and Emma told me so.

"Count?" Veda asked.

"I think so. Wish the bitch was still around so I could ask her why."

Questions questions.

Veda took the cylinder from me. She'd hand it off to Green and he'd fly it back to the factory. I'd have put it there myself but I forgot. We'd add it to those we got from the Travelers and see if any of the notes referenced it. Count must have taken some vials with her when she left Cauldron.

While she did that, I pulled the scrap of paper from my pocket.

I dialed the number and held the phone up to my ear.

It rang twice.

"Taylor?"

My lips turned up at the sound of her voice. "Hi, Murrue."