Told you I was updating! For those still with me thank you for continuing to love and encourage me to write. Reading may be your outlet but writing is mine, and you have no idea how inspiring your reviews are. Love you all so much.

Mercedes stared at the computer screen; though Sebastian and Hunter swore this whole online chatting with Sam was a good idea, the more she thought about it, the more she realized she was just doing what she always did. Run away. Hide behind something. She hid behind nursing as a way to not fail Finn; she hid behind her loss so as not to experience the actual pain she felt when learning about Santana.

It had been 6 months since they separated, and he was still in the kids' lives; he was still doing what he said he would, but she knew it was just the beginning of the end. How do you come back from the brink of death in relationships? How could Sam trust her after what they went through, and how could she trust him.

The blinking cursor stood alone on the page as she thought about what she wanted to type. Yeah, she could send a text, but this was more intimate for her, though she doubted he would read it. Shaking off her doubt, she focused on the task at hand. This would be good for her; it would be healing.

It took some encouragement, but Mercedes finally went to see someone about all of her traumas. And she had many of them; they all started with Finn; everything returned to him. Finn would be her Ghost of Christmas past if this was A Christmas Carol. Or, in her case, Ghost of Trauma past.

Five Months Ago

"Mercedes Evans? Emma will see you now."

Mercedes looked up, offering a smile as she stepped into the bright office. Posters of encouragement lined the walls, and a peppy redhead smiled at her.

"So glad you made time to come in here, Mercedes. I was going over your file, and I see you have had quite the life."

Mercedes sat down and sighed. "It's been hard."

"Tell me about it. I know you wrote it down but tell me what's been happening." Emma asked.

"I lost my child; he should have survived; I was almost 8 months pregnant, he should have been here, but it was my fault." She said, holding in her emotions.

"How was it your fault?"

"My best friend was killed, and when I learned it, I was inconsolable. Nothing anyone did or said made a difference; I was emotional to the point I had to be hospitalized. Ended up with Eclampsia, and my husband or ex, I don't even know anymore, told them to save me if the doctor had to choose."

"And do you think he made the wrong choice? Should he have saved your son?"

"A part of me does; a part of me is glad he saved me, so I could be here for our girls and son, but another part of me wishes that he saved our child…."

"So you could see your best friend again."

Mercedes nodded. "And Finn."

Emma sat up. "And who is Finn?"

"My first love. We were all best friends, Finn, Santana, Kurt, and I, and we wanted to take over the world. But then, a school shooting took Finn's life right in front of me, and he saved my life and lost his." She said, wiping the tears that were non-stop now.

"Oh wow, so you are not untouched by all these feelings then."

"I thought I had let go of it, but I guess I was wrong…it all just hurt so bad. Losing Santana was just ripping open the wound of losing Finn, and I loved him so much, and I thought we would have a future."

"Do you regret the life you made for yourself? Your husband, your kids?"

Mercedes shook her head. "Never! I would never regret my life. I love Sam; he's everything to me. And that makes me feel even more guilty for my feelings about Finn."

"Why? You loved Finn, and you Love Sam, so why are you guilty?"

"I don't know! For moving on, for having a life without him…."

Emma nodded. "Now we are getting somewhere. Tell me, how did you meet Sam?"

Mercedes sighed. "He was in a car accident. I was his nurse, helped him heal, encouraged him to keep going."

"You saved him the way you couldn't save Finn."

Mercedes nodded. "Yeah… but it was more than that; we had this connection that I couldn't explain, and I felt connected to him. And yes, we went through a lot of things, but in the end, it made us stronger."

"If that's the case, then why are you guys separated?" She asked.

Mercedes sighed. "Because I run. His ex had lied and said she was pregnant, set up a whole ruse just to get him away from me, and I just left; I didn't want to fight it."

"Why not?" Emma asked.

"I was pregnant, and I guess I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to be with Sam."

Emma nodded. "And when you married him, did that feeling go away?"

Mercedes shook her head. "I think a part of me has always wondered if I was good enough for him. Good enough for anyone, and I am just not good enough, you know?"

"Why Mercedes? What makes you think unworthy of his love of any love?"

"Because I killed Finn!"

"Mercedes, what exactly happened with Finn?"

Mercedes sat back, hugging herself. "Finn was so amazing. He was funny and sweet and smarter than people gave him credit for. He filled my life with so much joy, and I thought I filled his with joy. Then that horrible day came, and we were living for the future. Talking about our dreams, talking about our lives, goals. We were all going to head to L.A. to make it big. I was going to Sing, Finn would act, and Santana wanted to do it all like Kurt. But then…" She sighed heavily. "We heard screaming, and Jacob came into the library; he told me that he would let everyone go if I went with him. And I was going to, but Finn wouldn't let me. Finn stood in front of me, and he fought Jacob, but if I would have made Finn realize that I would be okay, he would still be alive."

"Was Finn the kind of guy to let people be hurt? To let the woman he loves risk her life for him?"

Mercedes looked at him. "No."

"So what makes you think that he would have let you just go off with Jacob?"

Mercedes opened her mouth but shut it.

"Mercedes, self-sabotage is a real thing, and I think you are self-sabotaging yourself, and not just because you lost Finn, but you are pushing Sam away because you are afraid of losing him. Just like you lost Finn, your best friend, and your son. Mercedes, losing people is a part of life; it doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy being in love and loved. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be happy."

Mercedes looked down at her hands. "I guess I never looked at it like that."

"It looks like our time is up; how about but I want you to keep coming here; I think we made great progress today, so let's stop here, and we can pick up again next week."

Present Day

Mercedes sighed heavily as her fingers began to type. "Sam, first off, let me tell you that I love you; I never stopped. We fought and separated, but my love for you was never questioned. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life, and losing Finn it was, it was a hard pill to swallow. I was 17, though we had forever, and then he was gone. And I never allowed myself to fully experience that.

And it wasn't until Santana and Jacob…did I realize just how scared I was at losing everything that mattered to me. You, the kids. Sam, I know you want a divorce, and I know I have been stalling, but I won't do that anymore. I will give that to you, but I couldn't sign the papers without telling you that I am sorry. Sorry about everything, that I wasn't strong enough to control my emotions, sorry that my lack of strength caused our family pain. I'll bring the papers to your office today, and we can figure the rest out later."

She wiped her tears, exhaling as she did. It was time to let go, time to stop running and face everything, and that included stop running from the divorce Sam asked her for.

"Lord, let this be the right thing to do." She prayed as she hit send and then signed the papers placing them in the envelope and standing; it was time to face her husband.

Sam sat in his office, going over his newest case, when his email pinged, letting him know he had a new email. Hoping it was Artie sending him the information he needed, he was surprised to see it was Mercedes who emailed him. Reading her letter both warmed and infuriated him, the fact that he made her feel that way like she was to blame.

Her not signing the papers gave him hope, but the fact that she was willing to sign scared him. Sam picked up his phone and called Hunter, hoping he could give Sam some advice on the matter.

"You have like five minutes; Bas and the girls are in the store's candy aisle," Hunter said, and Sam could hear S.J. laughing in the background.

"You guys are watching the kids? So she really is headed up here?"

Hunter sighed. "She is; therapy seems to have cleared a lot of things up for her. And she feels like by not signing the paper, she's denying you the right to move on like you want."

"But I don't want to move on; I want her. I have tried everything to make her see that."

"Everything but actually talking to her. Sam, you tried sexing her up and throwing divorce at her, but have you actually tried talking to her, making her see that you don't want her to leave you?"

Sam ran his hands through his hair. "And how do I do that? How do I make her see that I want only her?"

"I don't know, but you need to figure it out; we can watch the kids overnight, give you guys a chance to talk. I mean, actually, talk, not try to seduce her to sleep with you then get mad when she tells you to leave."

"Yeah, okay, I got it; that is something I still regret, okay? But I think I have an idea. Thanks."

Sam hung up his phone, made a few calls to get everything set up, and waited nervously for Mercedes to arrive. He had security alert him to when she was headed up. When he heard, he gathered his things and met her at the door.

"Sam! I was just coming to see you. Did you get my email?" She asked, manila folder in hand.

"Oh, I am sorry, it's been such a busy day. Here walk with me; I have to meet a client on the roof." He said, guiding her in the elevator. "You look beautiful today."

She blushed slightly. "Thanks, Sam. You look handsome as well. I know you are busy, so I can make this quick."

"I did get your email. I read it, and I am glad that you were able to get to the root of your problem; I think it's a great first step." He said as he led her off the elevator and to the roof, where a helicopter was waiting for them.

"Sam…Sam, what is this? What is going on?"

Sam exhaled, turning to her. "Mercedes, you had a tragedy hit you last year, two if you count them separately. And I was insensitive; I was not there for you the way you have always been there for me. When I filed for divorce, I was not in my right mind, and I thought it was what we both needed. But what we both needed was healing. It wasn't until reading your letter did I realize what you needed healing from the most."

Mercedes stared at him. "Sam, what are you doing? We can't go anywhere, not with the kids and-"

"We aren't. We aren't going anywhere. They actually came to you."

Mercedes looked at the helicopter and noticed a few people getting off it. Her eyes widened, seeing Blaine, Kurt, Carol, and Burt get out of it.

"I tried to reach Brittany, but she is off the grid right now."

Mercedes rushed to Kurt, holding him close as she reached over and hugged everyone else. Carol pulled her into her arms, holding her close. Though Mercedes tried to stay in touch with the older woman through calls and texts, she hadn't seen her in years, worried that she had failed her.

"Mercedes look at you all grown up. You have turned into such a beautiful woman."

Mercedes held her close. "Carol…I…"

"It's okay, sweetie, I know. It's okay." She said, holding her tight. After a few moments, she turned to Sam. "So you must be Mercedes Husband, the one who brought us here?"

Sam nodded. "Yes, ma'am. Sam Evans."

"Sam, I can't believe you brought them here," Mercedes said softly, still in awe.

"Finn was a big part of your life, and losing him it changed you, adding Santana and Joshua to that, and I know you broke in so many ways. I thought we could have a small memorial for all of them. In remembrance of who they were and what they mean to all of you." Sam said.

Mercedes looked over at him with tears in her eyes. "You did all this for me?"

"I did this for us; I think it's time for us to heal. All of us." He said, looking over at everyone. "So if you guys will follow me, a car is waiting."

Mercedes had questions, but she let Sam take control, knowing that this was needed for all of them, not just her. One limo ride and 30 minutes later, they reached their destination, a beautiful lake set up with memorial flowers for Finn, Santana, and Joshua. Another car pulled up, and Mercedes smiled, seeing Sam's parents along with Hunter, Bas, and the kids.

Mercedes could feel her emotions get the better of her; she wasn't prepared for this but needed this all at the same time. And Sam was giving it to her. Mercedes

After introductions were made between the Evans, Kids, and Hudson's, Sam stood in front of everyone. "I want to thank you guys for gathering here with us. Today we celebrate life, and we celebrate love, and we start a tradition. I didn't know Finn, but after speaking to everyone about him, I hope I do him justice."

Sam took a deep breath. "Finn Christopher Hudson was, from what I have heard, caring, strong, funny, giving, and an all-around great guy. To get someone as wonderful as Mercedes to fall in love with him, he had to be all of that and then some. I am so sorry that his life was cut short, but I know, as a man who is desperately in love with you, Mercedes, that if I was in his shoes, I would never regret saving your life. So I know he doesn't either."

Sam grabbed the memorial flowers for Finn and handed them to Carol. "Your son is a hero, and he gave his life, so I could have this amazing family; it's a debt I can not repay, I know you miss him every day, and I just want to thank you for raising such a wonderful son."

Carol took the flowers, tears falling from her eyes as she kissed Sam's cheek.

Sam moved back to the front. "Santana Maria Lopez was fiercely loyal. I saw it first hand when she threatened to cut me if I ever hurt Mercedes. She was strong and beautiful and kind. Tough as nails with a heart of gold. She was the twin's God Mother, and they loved her dearly. Santana died doing what Finn did, what their nature wouldn't let them stop doing; she saved a life. We miss you, San." He said, walking over to Kurt and handing him Santana's flowers.

Sam took Mercedes's hand in his pulling her gently to the front. Joshua Finn Evans will forever be in our hearts. I know we only had a short time with him. Holding him in our arms, knowing we can't take.." Sam stopped speaking as tears fell, and his head fell onto Mercedes's shoulder; she held him close.

Sebastian stepped up, holding Sam's shoulder as he looked out. "Joshua Finn Evans will remain a part of us; when his older siblings get older, we will share the story of how they had a younger brother who is looking down on them with Finn and Santana. Mercedes told me when she came home from the hospital that she felt like she wanted to die, but knowing that Josh wasn't alone, that he has them with him made it bearable."

Mercedes wiped her eyes as Sebastian handed her and Sam the flowers for Joshua.

Sam looked over at Sebastian, who hugged him. "Thank you."

Sebastian nodded as Sam took Mercedes's hand. "Today." He said, sniffling. "We release these flowers onto this lake as a tribute to those we lost and a way to remember them.

Everyone walked to the edge of the water as Sam handed out single white roses for the others to release into the water. One by one, they let the flowers float out into the lake, watching and leaning on each other, savoring the moment, and letting go of as much pain and hurt as they could.

As the sun began to set and everyone headed back to their cars so they could go out to eat, Mercedes stood at the water a little longer. Sam stood beside her taking her hand.

"Was this okay?"

She looked up to him. "It was perfect Sam. It was what we all needed."

He nodded. "I agree."

She reached in her bag and handed him the folder. "After this if you still want the divorce I will understand, but if you think that we-"

Sam cut her off with a soft kiss to her lips. "I love you." He ripped up the folder. "I love our family. I will do whatever you need so that we can get back where we need to be."

Mercedes nodded crying as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you too."