A Waken 18.6

"I think you should do it."

Lafter scrutinized the table, arms crossed over her chest. "Maybe."

Veda flipped a page of the rulebook behind the GM Screen, saying, "You could hold your turn until the end of the round if you want."

"Maybe," Lafter mused again.

"If you go up against the goblins on the right, Charlotte and I can cover you." Trevor suggested. "If the ogre comes over"—Trevor tensed, because everyone kind of did when the subject came up—"Riley can."

Riley, for her part, continued reading the rulebook Veda had given her. "I know for a fact a trident does more damage than a spear, why are—"

"Or don't," Charlotte said quickly. "You know, do whatever works."

Lafter pursed her lips.

"Just roll," Dinah pleaded.

"Fine."

Lafter lobbed the dice and leaned in. The dodecahedron bounced, struck the back of Veda's DM screen, and rolled to a stop.

"Bullshit!"

"Wow." Charlotte grimaced as Lafter just pushed her piece forward with her finger. "I thought you were exaggerating."

"I have never exaggerated in my life," Lafter claimed.

"She does roll a lot of ones," Trevor mumbled. "Like, one out of four?"

"Twenty-four point zero seven percent," Veda answered.

"That's improbable."

"Tell me about it," Lafter complained.

I smiled. "Maybe your power just likes making your life interesting."

Heads turned my way and Lafter's jaw slackened.

"Wait, really?"

I shrugged. Somehow, it seemed fitting that Lafter had an annoying friend of her very own. Though Navigator could maybe start throwing in some twenties to offset all the ones.

"Wait no!" Lafter pointed. "You can't not explain that! Explain that!"

Trevor leaned away, watching my glowing eyes as he whispered to Dinah. "If she can hear Lafter's power, doesn't that mean she can hear our powers?"

"Yes," Riley answered from Veda's side.

Technically, but not every power was as loud or as chatty. Momentum was mostly energy that just vibrated. Future was weird, because it was just Prime Future and yet it also wasn't. Shard reproduction was trippy.

I had some questions there but I didn't think I'd find the answers anytime soon. The future of the Shards depended on a lot of things. Like surviving Leet and whatever nonsense David thought he was doing.

Unfortunately, Leet had gotten competent while I wasn't paying attention to him. He ditched Aisha not long after she started following him.

I was still trying to figure out if his precognition AI interfered with Dinah at all. Between Administrator popping out an avatar, David emerging from the shadows, and probably other things, precognition powers were having a rough go. Ours, anyway. It was only a day after that we heard of dozens of thinkers turning up dead across the US and Europe.

It was Count's final act.

While the Triumvirate kept David busy, she'd killed most of his thinkers.

Probably the most helpful thing she could actually do that only she, probably, could pull off. With so many of them being Pets and the amount of mover powers at David's disposal, actually tracking them down would have been hard for us.

"Roll dexterity," Veda said.

Lafter sighed and rolled. "Oh look. A one."

"You are now prone," Veda described.

"Look at it this way," Dinah mused. "You're the perfect tank."

"I've done enough of that for one week thanks." Lafter grimaced. "My hip is still aching from hitting the ground so hard."

"Tell me about it," Trevor agreed. Charlotte frowned but didn't say anything. "I'm still putting Kimaris back together."

"It'll be quiet for a while," Dinah told him. "There's time." She glanced toward me.

I smiled at her. She'd had the most muted reaction when I told her, though her inner world was a lot more tumultuous.

Fortunately, no one else noted what she'd said as special.

"Might want to think of something fast," Charlotte said, "cause you're on the ground again." She blinked. "Um, is that in poor taste?"

Lafter shrugged. "I don't know."

"I'm not upset about it," Trevor agreed.

"It is accurate to note that Lafter is in danger of being crushed by an ogre," Veda agreed.

"I cast telekinesis on Lafter," Riley said, "and move her thirty feet away from the ogre."

"Or not," Lafter said as she moved her token backward.

"Wind wall." I pointed. "Right there."

Trevor and Charlotte both changed what they were doing after that, moving in to fight the ogre directly now that he was cut off from the goblins.

They'd both acted like Veda did, trying to convince me to find another way. Lafter hadn't seemed shocked. I think she figured out something at Sanc so when I told her she'd just hugged me and said nothing. Riley didn't know yet but only because I wanted to make sure Amy was ready to catch her. I hadn't exactly planned on leaving when we'd spared her and I didn't know how she'd react. She knew something was up though, so I'd have to tell her soon.

Dad…

I didn't look directly at him. I turned my glass to see his reflection. He was in the kitchen doing some paperwork while we played but his eyes were constantly looking at me. As if he thought I'd just pop into thin air soon and disappear forever.

I think it would be easier on everyone if I'd told them how much time I had. They'd temper their expectations, knowing what was going to happen and when.

But I didn't.

It depended a lot on how long it took us to deal with David and Leet. I couldn't go with those two still running around.

Regret.

I keep telling you it's not your fault. It's not like you're forcing me either.

I think we both knew that if I refused, Administrator would quietly do nothing about it. She didn't want the network to die. Somewhere along the line, she just decided that humanity had more opportunity to grow than the Shards. We could go further still, and if only one of us could survive she'd try and save us instead of her own kind.

That was noble of her, but it wasn't what I wanted.

There were billions of Shards and they had as much a right to live as anyone.

I wouldn't let them die.

The future won't be built upon a massacre. Not the one I wanted. Not one that could truly prosper.

At the moment, Administrator was flying over the pacific. She was looking for a particular Shard. Another that ranked high in the network. One she thought she could convince to help her in our goal. Unfortunately, whatever nonsense we could now do, it didn't include Shard GPS. She only knew that 'Advent Generator' had a host somewhere in the south Pacific.

Generation, she thought.

Energy? Ah. Right.

The entire network ran on batteries. The destruction of the Earth was meant to harvest enough to go to the next planet and perpetuate the cycle anew, but that wasn't happening now. They needed a new way of powering themselves or they'd run out of energy within a few hundred years. I had an idea on that but had no idea if the Shards could actually implement it. It would be convenient if they could.

Solar energy was good enough to power the entire world with the right technology. Why not the Shards?

"Taylor?"

I blinked and looked at Veda. She glanced down at my phone.

I'd zoned out again. Dammit I was trying not to do that.

Picking up my phone, I turned it over and glanced at the screen.

Time already.

I got up from my seat and stretched an arm behind my back.

Lafter got up as I did. Trevor and Charlotte stayed seated, as did Lisa, but Riley and Veda both got worried looks on their faces. Only Dinah remained focused on the game and only because she knew it wasn't time yet.

I'd never complain about stupid secret-keeping in a book ever again.

This was why people didn't tell things to those they loved. Because it made everything awkward. I wasn't exactly regretting telling the truth. I'd feel like a real manipulative bitch if I hadn't, but I could empathize with why someone wouldn't want to.

I smiled at Lafter and waved her off. "It's eight. I have to get ready."

Walking from the kitchen I stepped around Green and Red and continued on to the stairs. The lights from the police cruisers were flashing on the ceiling despite the curtains. If I'd been popular with the press before, the events at Sanc and Madison had made it a lot worse. I'd considered moving to an undisclosed apartment or condo somewhere deeded under a shell company or something, but Dad would never leave the house and I didn't want to leave him.

Not now.

I only had so much time left and I wanted to make the most of it.

Regret.

Stop apologizing.

Acceptance is a strange thing, especially for me. I wasn't sure I'd ever really accepted anything before. Not fully. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. Maybe if I'd been more accepting, I'd never have gotten where I was. Maybe I'd have used more of the time I had better.

No point wallowing over it either way. I'd have plenty of time soon enough to ponder the more esoteric of life's questions.

I went up to the bathroom first.

Pink and Purple were both there. Which was weird.

"Why are…"

Pink produced some scissors and Purple held up a brush.

…

"Okay. Fine."

Makeup had never really been my thing and I wasn't looking to change that. Flashy lipstick or eye shadow, that just wasn't me. My skin being what it was, I was pale but relatively acne-free so mostly I brushed my teeth. Pink dealt with some split ends, and Purple brushed my hair out.

When they finished I slipped the contacts into my eyes.

I'd draw enough attention without the light show.

Leaning toward the mirror, I could faintly make out the shimmer. I guess the contacts didn't completely obscure it but it would work from a distance.

That done, I pulled my shirt off and went back to my room. Lafter and Charlotte had helped me pick out the dress. It was black, knee-length, and fairly modest. The collar wrapped around my neck and the cut left my shoulders bare. From there it hugged my sides before filling out at my hips and giving the image of a curvier figure than I really had.

It worked.

I started straightening my dress before commenting, "A bit of an invasion, Aisha."

She popped fully into my consciousness as her power pulled back. "It's not even fun complaining how you always know where I am anymore."

Aisha had acted completely indifferent when I told her, a lot like Dinah did. "You don't have to keep following me around. I won't disappear without telling anyone."

"Sure you won't."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, I'll be absolutely sure to tell you."

"You'd better. I'm impatient enough waiting to stab Teacher in his dick."

"And I—"

"You told me," she groaned. "There's no way he's dumb enough not to be ready for a stranger, especially when he knows I'm with you. Yeah. I get it… Power works best when there are a thousand other things going on anyway. Everyone forgets the forgettable things when there are a thousand other things going on."

Well, at least she wasn't planning to go running off on her own. That was a good thing.

I sat on my bed beside her and slipped on the shoes. I didn't want to spend the night in high heels. Charlotte's suggestion of a mostly flat t-strap went with the dress just fine and I found the pair comfortable. I didn't know how much walking we'd be doing and I wasn't spending the night in something that would kill my calves in an hour.

I did my hair last, fixing it back behind my ears with clips and behind my shoulders with a broach.

And when I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked pretty good.

The dress downplayed my lack of a figure while showing off my legs and shoulders tastefully.

"You look fine," Aisha grumbled.

"Thanks."

"Why?"

I glanced over my shoulder. "Why what?"

Aisha flinched, a sudden jolt of guilt jumping through. "Why"—she looked away from me—"Why bother? It's not like… You know."

I still had a few minutes according to the clock.

"He insisted," I said. "I told him I wouldn't be able to stay and…he insisted."

Aisha pursed her lips and cocked her head. "Why?"

"Not sure yet. Figured I'd find out… Besides." My hands pulled at my dress. "Never been on a date before. Not too selfish to want just one is it?"

Aisha grimaced and squirmed beside me. "Jesus someone is gonna put this on Lifetime."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Shame. It wasn't a bad joke.

I checked my phone nervously. "About that time." I got up, set the phone aside and tried to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

Dad was on the stairs as I came out. He flinched when he saw me. I smiled at him despite the sense of dread I knew lingered in the back of his throat. He tried so hard and just never knew what to say.

"Got the shotgun ready?"

He blinked and stifled a laugh. "No," he choked out. "I, ah, forgot."

"Shame."

I went toward him and he came up the last few steps and hugged me. I hugged him back. He didn't say anything. For the longest time I'd resented him for never being who I needed, but that wasn't fair to him. He was his own person and he had his own life, and I'd never been who he needed either. We were puzzle pieces that just never quite fit together without Mom to give us a bridge.

And that was okay.

Love is love, and two pieces don't have to fit to love each other.

"You have protection, right?"

"I'm not that easy, Dad."

"Oh. Good."

Granted—if the opportunity presented itself—I wouldn't mind marking sex off the list. I'd never done that before either.

But not tonight.

We broke apart and Dad let me go down ahead of him. Everyone else was still playing, trying to give me my moment to myself. Except for Veda. She came out of the room and followed me to the front door.

"I have a particle cannon," she noted.

I chuckled and nervously folded my hands together. "Thanks, Veda."

"I thought it would lighten the mood," she replied.

"Got rid of the butterflies."

For about five seconds. Then they were back and there were… Familiar insecurities. The dress looked great, sure, but did that really hide what wasn't there? Not pretty enough. Not feminine enough. Really stupid things to be worried about with everything else going on in my life, but worries don't go away because they're tiny and petty.

Green rolled around from behind her and held up a small purse.

The Haros were really being a lot more helpful lately. I took the purse, which felt kind of light. Opening it to look inside… Okay, that was way more condoms than anyone would ever need on a single date.

I handed the purse back. "Hold onto those for me."

"Okay, okay."

Dad raised his brow. "What was that?"

"Nothing!" I assured him. "The Haros—"

My eyes blinked before the knock hit the door.

I quickly pulled it open.

Orga could pull off the rough and rugged look pretty damn well, but he cleaned up nice. A suit worked for him.

And I wasn't talking. Why wasn't I talking? I have my hands folded together which kept me from fidgeting but I really should say, "You look nice." God, I suck at this.

Orga hid his hands in his pockets. "You too."

Okay, maybe we both suck at this. I can work with that.

Behind me, Dad and Veda had retreated. They were still looking though, so I stepped through the open door and closed it behind me. The sky was overcast and darker than normal. It was so late even the reporters stalking the end of the block had thinned.

I considered going back inside to grab a coat but Orga was right there an—

"You do look nice," he said again. "Dresses work for you."

I blinked, remembering Halloween suddenly. Huh. He had told me that before hadn't he? "Thanks."

Looking around, I swallowed and just pushed through the awkward 'don't say anything lest you'll ruin everything' awkwardness. "So. What are we doing?"

Orga glanced away from me. Which was when I noticed he'd been looking at me and only me since I opened the do—Great now my face was red. So much for pushing through the awkwardness.

"I thought about a dinner or something," he said, "but I doubt I could take you anywhere without everyone staring and I don't think you'd like that." He hesitated. "Would you?"

Honestly? "I would, but"—I leaned over and peered down the street—"we'd have no privacy whatsoever right now and I'm tired of talking into cameras."

Orga followed my eyes. "Yeah. Thought so." He straightened his back and looked forward. "I asked Claire and Doormaker for help. They said they didn't mind."

"That will get us past the reporters."

He reached down, grabbing a cooler I hadn't noticed earlier.

I did my best to shut him out of my head. I couldn't do that completely, but it seemed fair. He couldn't read my mind and he'd tried to arrange a surprise. Sue me. I liked the idea of a romantic surprise and I didn't want to ruin it.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah."

First date of my life. Possibly the only date of my life, but I didn't want to focus on that.

"Door please," Orga called.

The portal opened and we walked through.

On the other side, my jaw dropped slightly. My eyes traced the lines. Followed the lights. Tracing the ribbons through the sky. A sea of stars and storms of light flittering across the sky from one horizon to the next.

And it was pure.

No cameras.

No video feeds.

I saw the stars clear as day with my own eyes.

"I thought you'd like it," he offered.

"Yeah," I whispered. That was an understatement, actually.

Pulling my eyes away, I scanned the beach. It stretched out on either side of me, sinking under the rolling waves twenty feet ahead. Behind us—as the portal closed—palm trees and tropical brush swayed in the wind. The air was humid and warm despite the night. Wherever we were it was way further south than Brockton Bay.

"Where is this?"

"Traffickers used to use this island as a pit stop," Orga answered. He stepped up to my side and glanced around. "Mika and I came through here on our way to Brockton Bay. Shino and Akihiro too. It's abandoned now."

So that's how he knew about it. But—

He looked up at the sky. "I thought you'd like the view. Veda's out there now, right? Can't see anything like this in Brockton Bay, but you can see it here."

I nodded and looked up myself. Not a cloud in the sky. Perfectly clear. Beautiful.

Quiet too. Just the sound of wind and surf. The smell of the ocean.

I think we stood there for a while. Partly because of the view. Partly because I don't think either of us was sure what to do now. We were alone, at last. Just the two of us in… Shit this was really romantic as a setting wasn't it? And there was no way in hell anyone would interrupt. I mean, Administrator was always aware of me but I could just quietly set that thought aside.

Eventually though, one of us had to do something.

I pulled my shoes off.

They were nice but not really suited for a beach. Orga took the chance to do the same and it took him a bit longer since he was wearing dress shoes and socks instead of a t-strap.

The sand felt warm between my toes. Fine and soft, but slightly damp.

Leaving a trail of prints behind me, I took a brief walk along the beach just looking at the stars, listening to the sea, and letting the breeze roll over me.

Orga set the cooler by our shoes and followed after me, his hands going back into his pockets.

"We had a shack over there," he said with a nod toward a small sandy gulch. "About a dozen of us."

I couldn't see any sign now but it must have been a decade ago. Hurricanes or something probably. "That must have been hard."

"Better than where we—" He stopped himself and forced a smile. "Sorry. Not what I intended to talk about."

I shook my head. "It's fine." Bright side, "If you hadn't been there then, we wouldn't be here now."

I'd been thinking about that a lot lately. "No one gets anything unless they grab on and never let go."

"And even then," Orga noted.

"Yeah. Even then."

No one was assured a happy ending. Sometimes you held on and it never came. Noelle had died that way. "Doesn't mean we let go."

She died, but she passed the torch, didn't she? That was good enough for her. She'd found peace in that.

"Never stop," Orga agreed. "No one really loses as long as you never stop."

"The world never changes if you give up at the first failure." If my experience was anything to go by, it took a lot more than one. "There are no flawless victories."

"Always thinking big."

"Can't help myself," I admitted. I stopped and looked back the way we'd come. I could still see the cooler and didn't want to lose sight of it.

"We can keep going." Orga nodded. "Island's not that big. Maybe a mile and a half around?"

Huh. "What's in the cooler won't spoil?"

"Nah. It's cold anyway."

Cold. "If you're looking to get me drunk you're going to have to work harder."

Orga chuckled and there was this surge of nervous panic. "I wouldn't dare."

Did he want to get me drunk, or was he afraid of me thinking that? Hm. Pretty sure he'd never do that. So… What I thought of him mattered?

We kept going. The scenery didn't change much but the exercise helped calm me down. The butterflies went away after a couple minutes. It just wasn't that nerve-racking now that we were finally here. It was nice. Sand under my feet. Gorgeous sky.

Good conversation.

"I've never asked," I realized. "How did you guys end up in Brockton Bay?"

"We didn't plan to," Orga answered. "Just worked out that way. A lot of villains survived Leviathan. They found ways to get people to where they were. Including Lung."

"Lung is the one who brought you over?"

"No. That was Maruba. He was a boss for one of the Yakuza gangs. He was always good at groveling so he survived when Lung took over. 'Till you came along anyway."

The section of beach ahead was rockier. I watched my step as we went and still almost stumbled. It was hard to see some of the stones in the dark sand. You'd think glowing eyes would come with night vision.

"Me?" I asked.

"That tinker-tech you trashed that first night. We were supposed to protect it, remember."

Oh right. "Maruba was in charge—Oh." I grimaced. "Lung killed him because of me."

"Lung killed him because he had a big mouth and used us to back it up. Bit off more than he could chew. Wasn't your fault. Lung would have killed him for something or other, eventually."

"Still." Bad things can come from good.

Orga frowned. "I'm not losing any sleep over it. If he had still been in charge, we'd never have freed the girls."

And good can come from bad. Though, "How much experience do you have with girls exactly?" He was older than me.

Orga tensed, turning his head away. "Well…"

I blinked. I was trying to ignore him, but some things kind of stand out. "Really?"

"I—It's not like I've had a lot of chances."

He did hang out mostly with guys. Still though. "Really?"

"Until you asked I'd never thought much about it," he admitted. Then he corrected himself. "I thought about it but I was busy. Is that bad?"

"I—I don't know." When did we get on this topic? "You're jus—You're older than me. I figured you'd have experience. You've never kissed a girl?"

"Have you ever kissed a boy?" he asked back.

"The only boy who was ever interested was Trevor," I recalled. "And I was too busy when he was interested."

Orga raised his brow. "But you're interested now?"

Good thing it was dark. Skin as pale as mine did nothing to hide a blush. Stupid. Not like he said he wanted to kiss me. "I mean… My perspectives on the question have kind of changed since I turned Trevor down."

I'd thought I'd never have time, but really it's that I wasn't interested in living. Boyfriends were for girls who planned to be alive in the future.

And I did not want to focus on that at all. "Found a pretty romantic place for a first date for a guy with no experience."

Orga looked away. Wait. Were his cheeks redder than usual? "I, ah, asked Naze but… That wasn't such a good idea."

What, "Why?"

"You don't want to know."

"That makes me want to know more."

Orga hesitated, then, "Let's just say Naze's idea of a date comes from old movies."

My shoulders shook as I tried to stifle a laugh. "And taking me to an island getaway with a fantastic view doesn't come right out of an old movie?"

Orga turned his head back toward me as I continued trying to hold my laughter in. "That was Mika's idea." He started and then corrected himself, saying, "I mean, Mika said to think about something you'd like and I came up with this."

"Oh—Wait, then what was Naze's advice?" Did it not include thinking of something I'd like?

"I think Amida is a very odd woman," Orga deferred.

Okay. "So Mikazuki gave you your dating advice?"

"Is it working?"

I looked out over the water. "I don't have anything to compare it to, but I'd say yes. He suggest anything else?"

"He said girls like holding hands."

A little juvenile. But then again, "That sounds nice."

Orga blinked. "It does?"

"Yeah."

Orga pulled a hand from his pocket and looked down at it. "Do you—"

It was dumb. Holding hands—No. Fuck it. "Sure."

I lifted my own hand from my side and met his halfway.

His fingers closed over mine. Maybe there's something to that saying that all girls want to marry their fathers.

Orga's hand felt like Dad's. Calloused at the tips from hours of paperwork, and firm. Warm. Safe.

The corners of my lips pulled up. I squeezed his hand and my heart jumped when he got this surprised look on his face.

It was stupid but I didn't care. I killed an Endbringer. I could hold hands if I wanted to. And I did.

"Nice?" I asked.

Orga didn't give an immediate answer. That would be unmanly and Orga did kind of have a complex there. I didn't mind. Orga pulled it off well enough.

"Why did you ask me out?" he asked. "Not that I'm complaining, just…"

"Pretty sure you asked me that already," I noted.

"Y-Yeah. I was wonder—We didn't have a lot of time to talk about it before. Crisis."

"Right." That's what had been going through my head at the time. Karma really liked putting my thoughts where my life was. "I didn't want to never say anything because I was too nervous."

Orga nodded along. "Why me? Because you trust me?"

I hesitated, but why?

I had my reasons.

Except, they were reasons. Everyone had reasons. I'd learned the difference between reasons and feelings.

Unfortunately, I sucked at feelings. I hadn't always, but years of betrayal and abandonment had done their damage. I'd shielded myself with reasons. Wrapped myself up in them like a blanket to keep warm. With everything I'd experienced you'd think I'd have gotten better with feelings but it wasn't easy like that.

"There was a time," I mumbled, "when I was so desperate for touch." I squeezed his hand. "I'd have done almost anything just for my father to hold me."

I loved my parents, but that didn't erase the betrayal or the anger. I could, painfully, see it now that I'd seen it in Veda. The feeling that my mother left me. That my father wasn't there when I needed him. The cold loneliness of feeling like a shell inside and out. A feeling Emma had preyed upon and grown until it overwhelmed me and my entire life changed.

Betrayal after betrayal had defined the slow collapse of my entire being.

"I want to go back," I admitted. "Back before I had to be on guard all the time. Back to that place in my life where I felt unconditionally loved. Back to who I used to be. I've clawed a lot of that back since triggering, but I still feel cold inside sometimes because I struggle to let even the people I trust in."

Orga watched me patiently, waiting quietly until he was sure I was done.

I didn't resist the smile that brought to my face.

"And the truth is that I can't go back. Some things once broken can't be fixed, and the person I was is one of those broken things."

"No you're not," he charged. He meant it too, which made my smile bigger.

"I'm at peace with it," I told him. "I can't be who I was before, but I can be who I am now. It's just hard to let the masks drop. To feel uninhibited enough that I can just be who I've become. I think I like who I've become. It's just hard. Hard to let things flow without trying to pick them apart or stuff them behind a mask."

Orga tilted his head, looking away for a moment. The nervousness in his mind flared, and he forced himself to look at me. "There's nothing wrong with who you are."

"I'd like to think so." Which was going astray of the actual question, but—

My hand was crushed suddenly as Orga squeezed down on it. His brain whirled but he bit the inside of his cheek suddenly, focusing all of those thoughts into a point.

His other hand rose and went around me.

My back stiffened and my heart raced as Orga pulled me in.

We didn't exactly come together. He stopped himself suddenly, keeping our bodies just a couple inches apart. He was shaking in his chest from embarrassment. It was so raw I felt it even when I tried to block it out. He looked down at me, meeting my eyes and cursing.

"Sorry. I'm not good at...words. Or...things."

"Or things?"

The only thing that kept my face from turning redder was how red his face was. It was weird, feeling all the things I was feeling in someone else. He even had butter—No. His annoying crawly feeling was more like ants.

I shut that out quickly, fully intent to let whatever happened happen from the privacy of his own mind. I'd just lost control of my brain for a second there when he touched... me.

I chuckled. "Neither of us are very good at words, are we?" Not these kinds of words.

Orga drew back slightly, but he still held me. He blinked at my smile and slowly his own lips turned up and he closed his eyes.

He shrugged. "Guess we're not."

"Kind of ironic given your habit of trying to lecture me."

A scoff passed his lips and he drew back. "You're the one who likes giving speeches."

Part of me wanted to ask him why he insisted we do this after I told him, but, "Do I need a reason besides I wanted to? I wanted to. So I asked. Everything else is just words."

"Not very romantic," he mumbled.

"Says who?" I started walking again. Orga started up on his own and caught up to me in a few steps. "I've wasted too much of my life trying to figure out what other people want from me. I killed an Endbringer. If that's not good enough, I don't care."

At my side, there was a flare of warmth. The ants were fire ants?

"Anyone who wants more from you than what you are isn't worth the time," he said.

My cheeks started burning with the ants. Should I read into that or—screw it. I killed a fucking Endbringer. "Am I worth it?"

"You're one of the most beautiful women in the world. Of course, you're worth it."

I froze, the butterflies doing barrel rolls in my gut while my feet almost tripped over themselves. "I'm no—You don't have to say that, Orga. I'm not exactly a looker."

"Says who?" he asked.

I waved a hand at myself. "It's fine. I'm over the fact that I'm a twig."

Orga looked me up and down and that was a—"Anyone who wants you for that isn't worth the time either."

Come again? "Come again?"

Orga seemed to realize what he'd been saying and he started to look away. He stopped himself, forcing his head forward and his eyes to watch me as he spoke. Something came to his mind and he just forced it out one word at a time.

"You believe in people. Even the people you have no reason to believe in. Most of my life all I've seen is people use other people. Even me."

I grimaced. "Orga—"

"I'm at peace with that," he interrupted, my own words coming back at me. He pursed his lips momentarily and grinned. "I've done what I had to do to protect my family. I've always wondered if it makes me as dirty as the likes of Lung and Maruba... I don't feel dirty though. Not like them."

"You're not," I assured him. "They didn't care who died. You do."

He'd had to make hard choices. Hard choices that he didn't want to make. And he'd saved as many as he could.

I understood that better than anyone.

"Suppose so... Felt good though, knowing someone like you would even be interested in someone like me."

"Why—" I smiled. "Anyone who gets hung up on your past isn't worth the time. People should be taken for who they are."

"And who are you?" he jested.

"Exactly who I said," I claimed. "I'm the girl who killed an Endbringer!" My smile faded. "And I'm the girl who held her hand while she died."

Orga turned his head, jaw slack.

I shrugged.

He scoffed. "Kind of hard to compete with that."

"Guess I have low standards as long as the guy is tall enough."

"Tall enough?"

"I have a complex about my height," I admitted. "Oh well."

"Not sure 'tall guy' is the way I'd like to be regarded," he joked.

"How would you like to be regarded?"

He thought for a moment... and it occurred to me that the butterflies weren't there anymore. The ants either. I felt so relaxed. Even that little spot in my shoulder I never thought much about was at ease.

"I kept my family alive," he suggested. "No matter what. I kept them alive."

I glanced from the corner of my eye. His hand had relaxed in mine, and his mind was wandering. That guilt again. It actually wasn't as bad as I'd once thought it was. He beat himself up, but maybe a little of that was good. Lives should never become so cheap we could convince ourselves they didn't matter. I wouldn't want someone who didn't bear the weight of what he'd lost along the way.

Still. "You know why no one in Tekkadan ever triggered, Orga?"

He shrugged. "Figured we can't. Lots of people never trigger."

No. Shards loved misery. It's what they were made to seek out. Someone in Tekkadan should have triggered. A lot of them, actually.

"Mika has a Shard attached to him. Shino and Akihiro too. A lot of you, actually."

Orga turned his head. "Me?"

"Not you." I smiled. The Shards knew a lost cause when they saw one. "You're not the guy who kept your family alive, Orga." I squeezed his hand tight. "You're the guy who guarded their souls. No one in Tekkadan ever triggered, because you never let them break that badly."

I'd be the one person on Earth to know.

It was absurd, actually. It shouldn't have been possible. All those Shards had attached themselves expecting a trigger event, and because Orga had been there those events never came.

What idiot girl wouldn't want a guy who could do something like that?

He squeezed my hand and smiled, pride welling up inside him.

He started to speak but I shut him up with a 'don't.' I didn't want any thanks. I didn't need any.

Even the girl who killed an Endbringer wanted nothing more than to feel wanted. To feel worthwhile. To hear someone say she was beautiful.

And it felt warm... Like waking up in the morning. That brief euphoria where you're in your bed. You didn't have to put on a show for anyone. Or try to be strong for anyone. You just were, and all was right with the world.

"My hair," Orga mumbled.

"Hm?"

"My hair." He raised his free hand and ran his fingers through it. "Started graying early."

Oh. "I always wondered about that."

"It's just two or three," he grumbled. "Couldn't stand seeing them."

My brow shot up. "So you dye your entire head gray?"

"Tried black but I know they're there so..."

I coughed a laugh. "Really?"

He shrugged. "I have a complex."

"You look fine." I glanced toward the water and looked out toward the horizon. "Though, I did think you were thirty or something the first time we met."

"I'm not even close to thirty," he protested.

"I know. I don't really mind that it ages you up though. You look distinguished."

He chuckled. "As long as I have gray hair and I'm taller than you, eh?"

"Oh, I like the muscles too. I'd have brought condoms and just jumped to that part but I kind of told myself I wasn't going to do that on a first date ever, so..."

And that got a response that I found incredibly flattering and will describe no further. The butterflies came right back because fuck me. Not that way. First date. No. Not thinking in that direction.

Oh well.

The fluttery bastards weren't so bad.

We continued on walking the beach in silence until one of us spoke.

"Now what do we talk about?"

"I don't know." I didn't mind the silence so much. "Anything interesting at Tekkadan lately?"

"You want to talk about work?"

"We're both workaholics. It's something we have in common."

"Fair enough. Hm. Well…"

We did come around the island eventually. We didn't notice it at first. Too busy just talking. About whatever really.

"Couldn't really get into it," he said.

"It's an acquired taste," I admitted. "My mom introduced me to Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights pretty young. I'm used to the weirder parts."

"I'm just not much of a reader."

"Do you do anything in your free time? Besides work." Orga gave me an incredulous look. I kept my face straight. "I'm not judging."

He raised his other hand and scratched the back of his head. "Never minded work. It's important."

Dad was a workaholic too. Then again, so was I.

"Guess there's movie night," he added.

"Movie night?"

"Yeah. Kind of a thing now. Tuesdays and Saturdays. It was for the kids at first but we're still doing it."

All the younger boys were with Sister Margaret and the nuns now, safely out of harm's way and where they could go to school. Build their lives in a way Orga never had.

"You know Wuthering Heights has a movie version," I suggested. "Couple of them actually. We cou—"

I stopped myself and looked away. Orga started to turn to face me but I'd noticed the cooler—and our shoes—and changed the subject quickly.

"We're back."

He looked ahead, spotting the cooler as I did.

"What's in the cooler?" I asked.

"Oh."

Orga went ahead of me and his hand slipped from mine. Following behind him, I stood and waited as he took his jacket and laid it over the beach.

"You don't have to do that." Apparently, he'd taken some of Naze's advice… Which was weirdly flattering and fluttery and stupid butterflies. When did they get so warm?

"It's a cheap suit," he replied. "Your dress looks expensive."

Money wasn't really a concern for me, but I appreciated the practicality. Good thing he was tall and I was thin. There was enough room for both of us to sit on the jacket while he brought the cooler around.

And out came three stacking plates of, "Sushi?"

"Figured anything hot might go cold," he said. "So I brought something cold."

"Never really had sushi."

Orga froze as he drew a pair of water bottles from the cooler. "Oh, ah—"

"I'll try it," I assured him. "Huh. We never had the money for something like that before, and now that I do Pink makes everything." Hold on, "How much did this cost?"

"Shino made it."

I gawked. "Shino?"

"Yeah. That shocking?"

"I mean… he's kind of a goofball?" I leaned toward one of the plates. The food looked good. Everything was neat and measured. Even the sauce looked carefully applied. "Just not how I think of Shino."

Orga huffed and grinned. "His parents owned a place in Miyazaki." Oh. "He used to help out when he could. He's been talking about starting his own place. He's started working off-hours in a place near the Boardwalk."

"Really?"

"Surprised me too." Orga handed me a water bottle and one of the trays. "He'd never talked about it much before."

I took the tray and set it on my lap. "You have good friends."

"Suppose I do."

Fun fact, sushi is pretty great. The whole raw fish thing was kind of a question mark but it works. Whatever sauce Shino used was sweet too and covered up any excessive saltiness. Part of me worried about eating too much too fast… But yeah, dead Endbringer. I want sushi, I'm eating sushi.

The food was a welcome respite from talking too. Just needed a breather to collect my thoughts.

The movie thing still lingered in my mind.

What did it mean that I wanted to do it? None of the adaptations of Wuthering Heights were any good, but I'd watch one. Hell, I'd watch something else. I… I liked this. I wanted more of it. And I wouldn't be able to.

Sushi's still good though. Who knew Shino had it in him?

"How'd I do?" Orga asked as we finished.

"Pretty good," I told him.

I leaned back, stretching my fingers and toes in the sand as I looked up at the sky. The view was still brilliant. "You were right. I do like this."

His shoulders relaxed, and I felt a bit of…pride?

I'd never imagined a boy would get himself so worked up trying to impress me. Lafter? What boy wouldn't want to impress her. Charlotte. Lily. Aisha was a few years younger than me and she was more developed than I was. At the rate she was growing Dinah would be more developed than I was.

Guess I compared myself to other girls too often. Maybe boys just weren't as picky as we tricked ourselves into thinking they were. Not the boys worth being with anyway. Orga did all this just to give me a good night and that…

That was a warm thought. Seemed to undersell the feeling, but, "I like this a lot."

Orga jittered a bit beside me. He collected the empty trays and set them back in the cooler. "Good enough for a second date?"

What? I turned, looking at him and, "Really?"

That tension snapped back into his shoulders. "Uh. I—"

"Orga…" My heart sank, crushing the butterflies with the weight. "You know I'm leaving."

"Yeah. I remember."

My brain rewound right back to the hospital roof. Orga hid it well, but they weighed on him. The ghosts of Ban and all the others who'd died. Lives he'd spent pursuing a better life for everyone behind him. I didn't need any special powers to know how badly he wished it was him instead. That he could die and give them everything they deserved.

It just didn't work that way, and—and I was not going to cry while I said this. I wasn't wasting my time with tears.

"I don't want to be another ghost, Orga. You—"

"You told me a while back not to pity myself." He pushed himself up, moving to stand. "I'm pretty good at that if I'm honest, but I'll never pity them. Ban and the others? They did what they did because they believed. Because they chose to do it. I wish it was different, but they weren't wrong."

He turned his head, casting his eyes down on me.

"And you aren't wrong."

Well… That was… No one had actually told me that, yet.

"So I won't pity you," he continued. "You're doing what you have to do because you think it's right."

True, but, "Orga—"

His brow furrowed. Not at me, but at himself. I uncapped the lid a bit, letting myself focus a bit more on his presence to see how hard he was thinking to express himself right.

"You said you didn't want to lie," he mumbled. "That's not all of it, right? You wanted to give us the chance to decide how we felt about it. Brace for whenever you have to go. Right?"

I frowned but nodded.

Kati needed to know. If she stayed on with Celestial Being, she needed to transition the team for when I was gone. I couldn't lie to Veda, Dad, Lafter, Dinah, or Charlotte. They meant too much to me to stab them in the back like that. As much as I wished to spare them, and what time we had left, I couldn't hide the truth. They deserved better. So did Dean, Trevor, and Theo, who would have to continue their plans without me.

Lisa and Relena would have to carry on the dream themselves, though I knew Veda would help them.

"I thought about it." He looked to the sky again, and continued, "And I don't want you to be a ghost. I… I want whatever…"

I pulled my legs in and pushed myself up. Rising to my feet, my lips part, and I—despite myself—watched the emotions roiling through him. Years of pain and loss, all bundled together with a constant sense he could have done better. More. That he could have known them better. That he could remember them as more than faces and names.

That his life could be a better monument to those who were left behind because they were behind him. Like he could look back and know they were still there, alive in spirit because he was still alive… So long as he kept moving.

There was guilt there, but there was pride too. Pride that he could live because of them.

"Orga—"

"I'd rather have whatever time there is and make of it what I can," he said quickly. He turned to face me. "Make memories of what was instead of ghosts of what could have been. I can choose that, can't I? We?"

He wanted me.

Not in a possessive creepy sense, but in a… I didn't know the word to describe it. Orga was no more dramatic than I was. Not about this. He didn't know if he loved me or anything like that.

But he wanted to know.

He wanted to find out.

He'd rather know, and know it wouldn't last, than never know at all.

I swallowed. "Can you tell me you won't regret that?"

He raised a hand, rubbing the back of his neck and closing his right eye like he sometimes did. "Something has to have been worth it to regret losing it."

I smiled despite myself.

The waves rolled over the sand ahead. As pretty as the sky was, the horizon might be just as beautiful. The stars and ribbons of light dipped down, vanishing into a dark line only to rise back up as the sea rolled. It was gorgeous.

"Besides," he mumbled. "You'll be back."

My head snapped over, hair swinging back and over my shoulder.

He shrugged. "Saving the world? You'd leave to do that. No way in hell you'd settle for it though." A small smile crossed his face. "You'll be back."

My own lips pulled up despite myself.

He really believed that.

Absolutely.

Deep down, I knew it wouldn't be that simple… Administrator was committed. So was I. We'd find a way to get me back to the world. Truthfully though, I was sure it wouldn't be so simple. The only absolute we had was that Veda would live forever. Lafter. Trevor. Dinah. Dad… They might all live their lives while I watched from afar. I kept thinking about that, telling myself I'd be with them. It wasn't the same, and the fear ate at me.

Endure, Administrator insisted as she hovered over a distant ocean.

I know. We were going to get me back. Quitting wasn't in my vocabulary. That didn't erase the fear though.

He saw something on my face. "Everything you've done since you began is believe," he said. "You believe in people no one else will. You'll even believe in your enemies. That they can make better choices if given the chance."

I blinked, wondering if that was really tr—

"Let us believe in you." His hand seized mine suddenly, squeezing tight. "You'll be back, and it will be what it will be. Let this"—he squeezed tighter and my heart jumped—"be what it will be. I don't want anything more than that."

…

Leave it to the man who'd rebuilt his life from nothing to see life for its precious—indeterminant—moments.

"Okay."

He blinked, his face turning red, and wasn't that flattering when someone else did it!

"You're okay with that?" he asked.

"I'm not sure who it's more unfair to. Me or you."

He squeezed my hand again and scoffed. "I'm pretty used to life being unfair."

"We are, aren't we?"

He chuckled and I smiled.

Everyone else was still coming to terms with what I'd told them. Here was Orga already at a grudging peace with it and certain it would all work out in the end. For someone always wary of the other shoe dropping—maybe because of it—Orga had a remarkable ability to just keep going. To endure no matter how bad things got.

I really loved that about him. Huh.

I could feel the essence of an idea, but I didn't have the words. The lid was off and it slipped through. I pushed the sensation aside quickly, but I was curious. At my side, Orga's eyes were on the horizon but he wasn't really looking at it.

"What?" I asked.

It took him a bit to work up the courage, and it was just so funny watching him work his way into being okay with sounding stupid about it.

"The sun."

My lips parted. "The sun?"

"Yeah." He glanced toward the horizon. He was trying to hide the emotion on his face. Poorly. "It's better when you're around… and if you have to go, that's okay. Don't worry about us. We'll get through somehow. Just do what you have to do. You'll be back and it'll be better again." He grinned through his embarrassment. "Like the sun."

He did his best to sound serious, but honestly?

That was so damn sappy!

I choked up and couldn't help but laugh.

Orga grimaced and rubbed the back of his head.

He started to speak and I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

Fuck it.

I killed an Endbringer.

I can kiss a boy I like if I want to.

Not sure what I expected to happen. His lips were warm. Firm.

There was no electricity or fireworks. No thoughts dissolving into a chaotic mess.

It was calm.

Completely and utterly calm. Quiet and warm. Really warm. More than that but the word escaped me. All the tension of the world just melted away and it was all peace. I wasn't worried or anxious or conflicted. I felt safe. Safe in a way that hadn't existed since my mother died. I wanted nothing but to stay right where I was, basking in that sensation and clinging to it for as long as I could.

And in that moment—afraid of just how fleeting it might really be—I let all the walls and protections I'd built around myself drop.

They didn't matter.

I wasn't afraid here. I didn't need to be. I was safe and warmer than I'd ever been in my life.

Fortunately, Orga had no complaints about the feeling of my chest pressing into his or my fingers gripping his head so I could kiss him harder. And there's the electricity.

I only drew back when I felt him lean in and pull me closer. Chest to chest. Thigh to thigh. Foot to foot. Orga's a fit guy so it felt a bit like being picked up even though my feet never left the sand.

Breaking the kiss, I looked him in the eye because… Not really sure, actually.

He had this deer in headlights look and I felt a little proud of that.

I must be doing something right if he could be that surprised and want to do it again. Then again maybe I'd been horrifically overthinking the whole boy thing. My breasts were far from the last thing on his mind but their size was.

So I put my arms around his neck, pulled him back in, and kissed him again.

Ah...

Warm. Like standing in the sun.