A/N: *with a megaphone: this fic isn't dead until i say it is!* surprise bitch, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me :) i thought about writing my typical joke note here or writing something meaningful so here's a mix of both: i've been listening to 7 rings & the box for like 3 whole ass hours while working on this (i forgot how much time goes into writing and editing jfc) and i just wanna say thank you to anyone who has read or reviewed or recommended this fic to anyone else. it was hard coming back after such a long hiatus (especially bc i literally forgot what i already wrote lmfao) but like i said when i started, i always had intentions of finishing this story no matter how long it takes. i really meant to have this update out in time for zutara week but u know what they say… every week is zutara week baby ;0 ... but seriously thank you to anyone who's shown this fic any amount of love and support i appreciate every review and fave more than you know and hope you'll continue enjoying this journey to finish this long ass story with me xx

Even in the cool night air, Zuko's body is on fire.

It's only been a few hours since his break up with Mai, but to him it feels like eons. The weight of their words still cling to his skin, heartbreak keeping him tethered to the Earth, but more than anything, all he feels is uneasy.

It's embarrassing to admit just how long he spent alone in his chamber thinking about Mai's reaction to Azula. Did Katara know? The look in her eye was bone chilling, her eyes brimming with the pain of betrayal. Whether Mai assumed Zuko told Katara, or if Mai knew he was keeping his sister a secret from everyone, he can't be certain. All that matters now is the newfound doubt bubbling under his skin and the realization of just how spectacularly he's screwed up this time.

To his right, Katara walks with her dark cloak wrapped snugly around her shoulders. It amazes Zuko how it took nothing at all for her to trust him and follow him into the night, with nothing more than a promise that he'd reveal his intentions in time. It's certainly not the first time she's entrusted him and it's a burden he's wary to hold. He's already broken the trust she put in him before. He hates feeling as though he may very well do that again.

Still, just as when he let her down in the Earth Kingdom, there's no one to blame but himself. This is a mess of his own creation.

"Zuko?" Katara peers up at him, her bright blue eyes shining in the moonlight. "You look stressed."

He sighs, running a hand through his dark hair. "I am stressed."

Katara stops immediately, her expression quickly molding into one of concern. "Are you going to keep everything bottled up or are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Zuko looks at her, then straight in front of him. From where they are, he can see the outline of Azula's hut, the dim torches nothing more than a tiny splash of color in the night. Katara follows his gaze, her warm blue eyes still unsure of what she should be searching for in the distance. It doesn't matter how long he tries to hide it now. The truth is so close it could burn him, and Zuko finally concedes.

"You see those lights?" he asks, pointing at the dark void in front of them. Katara squints but after a moment she nods her head. "That's where we're going. To see Azula."

There's a long, painful pause and Zuko waits for the inevitable fallout from this. Any second now, he should be showered in insults, angry words and fists flying towards him but instead, Katara is quiet. Calm. For once, her face is blank.

"Azula?" is all she manages to ask. It's so quiet he can hear the breeze rustling their clothes. Goosebumps line every inch of his skin but what really chills him is the pained look on Katara's face. He's seen that look before. His mind travels back to the fall of Ba Sing Se, but this feels much worse.

"Yes, Azula," Zuko says. "She's not in prison. She's being cared for by nurses on the palace grounds."

"Has she been here this whole time?" Katara asks. Zuko's silence serves as his response. It's impossible to know how long they stand in silence and though he's sure it's only a mere handful of seconds, it seems to stretch over hours. How many times could he have told her this before? How many times had he chosen to keep this secret? The one thing he can't quite figure out is why Katara just won't speak.

"Can I explain at least?" he asks. Katara's frown deepens, tiny hands firmly gripping the cloak around her shoulders. "You can try." Zuko swallows hard, taking his time piecing his thoughts together.

"After the Agni Kai, I was given the option to send Azula to prison or absolve her of her crimes," Zuko says. "I struggled for a long time over what to do. Locking her up forever felt too harsh, letting her walk free felt too easy. I needed to have her close enough to keep an eye on her while actually addressing the root of her issues. It wasn't a decision I made lightly." Katara stares past him, her breathing heavy, but she remains silent. Zuko's never seen her like this before. She's usually so easy to read, her face a dead giveaway to whatever was going on in her heart.

"I think about Azula constantly," Katara finally says. Her jaw tightens, a clear indication of her anger., her eyes fluttering shut as she recalls some of the worst memories of the war. "I think about how easily she would've killed me that day, and if I hadn't made it to you fast enough, she would've been happy killing you."

"I know," is all Zuko can think to say. It's not as if he hadn't factored that into his decision. He'd forgone too many sleepless nights replaying that awful battle again and again. He couldn't forget it even if he tried.

"I'm just..." Katara stops herself and begins again, arms crossed over her chest. "I don't understand why you'd want her here."

"I wanted to send her away," Zuko says. His voice shakes a bit as he forges on, each honest word coming more easily than the last. "I promise you I did. But the way I feel about my sister is impossible to explain. For every time she's done something awful, there were a dozen more times our family failed her. I used to think she was the lucky one growing up, receiving all the attention and praise from our father. But when I had guards take her away during the comet, I realized that everything Ozai put me through, he put her through too. When I was banished, all she had was him. And the one time she slipped up, the one time she needed someone to be there for her, he walked away. I tried not to let my own bias cloud my judgement. I tried to be cold and keep my personal feelings separate. But I couldn't turn my back on Azula. I'm all she has."

"Then you must know that I'm not upset with you," Katara says. Not at all what Zuko expected to hear. "I'm upset that you ever had to be in that position. That you had to choose to either cut off your sister or to stand behind someone that tried to kill you. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have had any reservations about sending her to prison."

"If she had hit you, I wouldn't either," Zuko assures her. It almost surprises him how quickly he responds but he knows it's true. The only time he'd seriously considered the possibility of Katara getting hit was during the Agni Kai itself; in the split second where he realized where his sister was aiming, he was so overcome with horror that his body moved before his thoughts could. Every step he took, every stride he made, it didn't matter. He knew Katara's safety was ensured the moment his feet started moving.

Katara softens a bit at this, but Zuko still sees the remnants of apprehension on her face.

"I shouldn't have kept this a secret," Zuko says. Katara's face is still so masterfully neutral that he almost worries that he'll be slapped with outrage at any moment. "I should've told you sooner."

"What's done is done," Katara says. "So the question is, what do we do about it now?"

"This is the last time I'll have a chance to see her before we leave for Ba Sing Se," Zuko replies. "I was worried about telling you before, but now you know the truth." Katara stares at Zuko just a moment longer before casting a glance at the lights in the distance.

"Well, now I know," she says. "So let's go see her before it gets any later."

.

.

.

"Why is she here?" Azula asks. Her golden eyes shift lazily between Zuko and Katara as if she can't be bothered to stare at either for too long. Katara hadn't known what to expect when it came to Azula's living quarters, but she certainly isn't prepared to see the disgraced princess in such a barren room. The stark white walls are almost dizzying, the lack of décor is unnerving. Surprisingly, Azula doesn't seem bothered. Laying on a tiny bed, she seems so much smaller than she ever did when she was hunting down Aang. More vulnerable, almost.

"She's a guest in the palace and accompanied me here tonight," Zuko replies. "And I advise you not to lash out at her. Remember that you're given as much freedom as you currently have because I allow it. Don't make me regret that decision."

"Oh, stop putting on a front just because she's here." Azula cups her hands around her mouth as if she's whispering solely to Katara. "He just loves impressing people."

"I'm sure he does," Katara responds. There's something so... off about Azula in this context that Katara doesn't really know what to do. The princess always seemed like an intangible being but now she just looks normal. She looks human. This almost reminds Katara of what it'd been like to see Yon Rha for the first time since her mother's passing, the shell of a person laid out bare in front of her.

"So you're a guest?" Azula repeats. Her nails dig into her comforter as she speaks, likely heeding Zuko's warning about watching her actions. "Are you in my room? Tell me, are you enjoying my bed?"

"She's staying in a completely different wing," Zuko replies swiftly. "No one's touched your room." When he takes a step forward, Katara notices the way he subtly shifts his body in front of hers, an inch away from nudging her behind him. Azula hasn't done anything yet to warrant such a defensive move. Katara wants to ask why he's so eager to use himself as a shield, but she doesn't comment on it.

"Ah, of course," Azula says, turning to face Katara. "And you wanted to come see me, then?" Katara pauses momentarily, but commits to concealing her emotions.

"I agreed to come tonight," Katara says. A truthful but neutral response. The air is thick and humid in a way Katara's only experienced around firebenders. There's been a handful of times where Zuko was stewing in his thoughts for so long she could feel the heat radiating off his body. In Azula's presence this feeling is amplified.

"I came to see you one last time before we leave for the Earth Kingdom," Zuko says. "It'll be a few weeks until we return."

"So she'll be returning," Azula concludes. Katara looks at Zuko though she knows that was something they never discussed. So much emphasis had been placed on the actual journey that no one really said what would be done following it.

"She's not here to stay permanently," Zuko says without missing a beat.

"I was staying in the palace in the first place because―" Katara pauses, realizing just how close she'd come to admitting to only being in the Fire Nation to treat Zuko's injury. It's not a secret by any means but saying it out loud in front of Azula feels... Uncomfortable. Katara barely likes thinking about Sozin's comet but speaking about it in Azula's presence is nauseating.

"Because I tried to kill my brother and you were looking after him. That's what you want to say, isn't it?" The atmosphere in the room is almost stifling. Katara thinks about reaching out to place a hand against Zuko's back but even that simple act feels too intimate in front Azula. When no one responds, the princess continues on. "When I shot lightning during that Agni Kai, I had reason to believe my brother would do everything he could to protect you." Her tone is eerily calm for the topic at hand, but she remains unphased. Zuko put so much thought into how he could protect his sister and she can't even show some remorse for almost murdering him. "I didn't make you a target because of a personal vendetta."

It's not an apology by any stretch of the imagination and Katara has no response for this.

"There's something I want to tell you, Zuko," Azula decides. She gives Katara a pointed look. "But I won't say it with her here."

Katara can see the argument on Zuko's tongue, but she steps back before he can utter a single word.

"I'll go," she says. She squeezes Zuko's shoulder softly and adds, "I'm just on the other side of the door."

.

.

.

"Mai," Azula frowns, crossing her arms. "Do you really need to stare at Zuko that badly?" It's hardly the first time Azula has caught the older girl eyeing her brother. For months now it seems that Mai hasn't been able to take her eyes off Zuko even if he never gives the girls so much as a passing glance. It's almost painful how one sided the attraction is. He always finds any excuse to run off with Ursa rather than spend time with Azula and her friends and that day is no exception; Zuko and his mother are at least a dozen meters away in the palace garden, but even from a distance Azula can tell her brother is thoroughly engulfed in his conversation.

The loving look Ursa shows him as he speaks is foreign to Azula.

"Look, she's blushing!" Ty Lee squeals. She reaches over to poke Mai's reddened cheeks, but Mai swats her away harshly. "How cute!"

"She always does this when she sees him." Azula considers faking a smile for Mai's sake, but realizes quickly that she can't be bothered and rolls her eyes instead. "Mai, if you're more interested in ogling than being present in this conversation, just go and talk to him."

"Azula, shush," Mai hisses back, tucking her hair behind her ears. "He'll hear you."

"Oh please, he's not an eagle hawk. He can't hear you from all the way over here," Azula assures her, and in a curt tone she adds, "His listening skills are no better than yours. Pay attention when I'm speaking."

"Say something worth listening to then."

It's said so quietly Azula almost thinks she imagines it. Mai's already turned back to the group and sweet, agreeable Ty Lee is sitting up straight as board with her hands folded neatly in her lap, grey eyes travelling nervously between her two friends.

Azula makes the micro calculation in her head that it's not worth turning this into a bigger debacle and lets the conversation die here.

Mai is not so foolish that she will make that kind of mistake again.

.

.

.

"Zuko," Azula begins. She's frowning, looking frustrated in a way he hasn't seen in a long time. It takes her a while to even meet his eyes after Katara leaves the room, much less speak. The energy between them shifts as soon as she opens her mouth. "I want you to explain something to me."

Despite his better judgement he asks, "What is it?"

"During the Agni Kai, I knew there was a strong chance that if I aimed at the waterbender, you'd try to save her." Azula looks more and more puzzled patching the memory together as she speaks, her hands preoccupied with smoothing every inch of her robe. "If I was wrong, I knew hitting her was something that would hurt you." Zuko's eyes narrow at her fion. She looks troubled, but hardly remorseful, an apology for almost killing them nowhere in her thoughts.

"Of course you knew that, Azula." He wants to add that she's already brought this up, but he can see something simmering in her eyes.

"I never could figure out why her first action was to run to you," Azula muses. She's almost dazed as she speaks, something unsettling about her nonchalance. "When Mai betrayed me at the Boiling Rock, Ty Lee stepped in to defend her. But she didn't run to Mai's side. Her first action was to attack me. I assumed once you took the lightning, the waterbender would come running in my direction. But she didn't. She didn't even look at me. She ran straight towards you. What would've possessed her to do that?"

Zuko is stunned to silence, his memory of the Agni Kai blotchy at best. Anything that happened after he was shot occurred while he was struggling to stay conscious. Whether Katara was running for her own life or to Zuko's aid, he had no idea. Faintly, he remembers lying on the ground, seeing Katara and raising a weak, shaking hand in her direction… He heard the awful pain in her voice when she called out his name.

Still, he has no memory of her running to him. If Azula hadn't mentioned it now, he might not have even known it had happened at all.

"I don't know," Zuko finally admits. "She must've been scared. I don't think she was thinking clearly." Azula scoffs, looking away from her brother as she sits with her thoughts, carefully choosing her next reply.

"She made many calculated moves that day," Azula says. Her eyes are no longer focused on Zuko's. Instead, she seems lost in her own recollection of the Agni Kai, combing through every single detail she can remember. "It's foolish to chalk all of that up to emotion alone."

"Why does this even matter?" The answer, as far as Zuko is concerned, is that it doesn't.

"I had to convince you to fight with me in Ba Sing Se," Azula replies. "And I had to work even harder to get you to ignore your own emotions and stay in the Fire Nation for as long as you did. You had to mull it over and wrestle with what you did for weeks because you didn't feel secure in your decision. But when it came to the Agni Kai, neither you nor the waterbender had to think too much at all, did you?"

"Azula, if you're trying to play some kind of trick here―"

"What trick would I be playing, Zuko?" Azula asks. "I'm just trying to see if I understand."

"I find that hard to believe," Zuko says. He can't quite put his finger on what she'd be getting at but the Azula he knows would never scavenge for information just for the hell of it.

"Believe whatever you wish." Azula waves him off. She yawns and stretches, physical indicators that her social battery for the day is about to be depleted. "You don't have to answer this if you don't want, but I'm curious now; does she remind you of our mother or of yourself?" Azula is already lying back in her bed, her gaze averted from Zuko's and he knows she won't be talking anymore for the rest of the visit. Her questions hang in the air, but Zuko has no answers.

"I'll come visit you again when we return with Mom," Zuko finally says. "Think about what you want to say to her. She'll be happy to see you." Zuko almost thinks he hears his sister snort, but when Azula doesn't even stir, he takes that as his cue to leave her in peace.

The door to her room closes with a soft thud and at the opposite wall of the hut, Zuko's met with a sleepy Katara sitting on the floor, huddled up in her cloak. He can't help but toy with Azula's words as he looks at her, picturing Katara ignoring everything else but him as he laid on the ground, waiting for death. Briefly, he thinks back to when Aang was shot by Azula in Ba Sing Se, and how even in a state of anguish, Katara still had the sense of mind to lash out at everyone responsible before charging to the avatar's rescue. Still, he's not sure what to make of this.

"You alright?" he asks as he crouches beside her. Her bright eyes stare up at him, still searching his face as she had been when he first confessed.

"I think I should be asking you that," Katara replies, still looking a bit unsure as she bites her lip. "She'll be okay after you leave?"

"The nurses will take good care of her," Zuko says. "But how are you, Katara? I put a lot on you in a short amount of time." Katara pauses before letting out a long sigh.

"Honestly?" she asks, eyebrows quirked. "Still processing. I'll get back to you in the morning." Zuko smiles softly and holds out a hand to help her to her feet.

"Let's head back to the palace, then." Without a word, Katara accepts the gesture and the pair rises to leave. Just as quickly as they'd arrived, they makes their way back out into the night.

.

.

.

"Are you feeling okay, nephew?" Iroh looks at Zuko with his usual amount of concern, quietly sipping on a warm cup of tea. With the change of seasons right around the corner, Zuko makes it a point to spend more time sitting in the garden than he typically would, especially knowing it'll be some time until he returns from the Earth Kingdom. Before Ursa left, he spent most of his summers outside, watching her admire the beauty of the flora. These days, the garden serves as a graveyard of memories.

"No," Zuko eventually sighs. Iroh's golden eyes stare expectantly, and Zuko doesn't need any further prompting. "Mai and I broke up yesterday."

In typical Iroh fashion, his uncle offers a pitying pout. "Do you want to talk about it?"

No.

Zuko doesn't want to even think about the way his relationship deteriorated, but he knows if there's anyone able to carry some of this weight for him, it's his uncle.

"I thought about going to speak to her before she left the palace this morning," Zuko begins. "I walked all the way to her door and thought of what I could've said. I even raised my hand to knock, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to actually do it. Apologizing and saying goodbye to her felt like the right thing to do, but I just couldn't." The air is noticeably cool for the time of year, the transition to autumn sitting directly upon them.

"Were you afraid she wouldn't accept your apology?" Iroh asks. Zuko wants to agree but the real answer is much more awful than that. He'd spent the entire walk to Mai's chamber considering all the possible ways their interaction could go. He envisioned the disdain on her face when she looked at him and chastised him for all the things he said. For comparing her to Ozai. With no effort at all, he pictured just how she'd glare at him while she doubled down on everything she said. Zuko's still walking around with the wounds from her words. The last thing he wants is for her to twist the knife in.

Still, what really scared Zuko was the small possibility that he'd go to Mai's door to apologize and she'd actually forgive him.

There was always something about the relationship that Zuko had been willing to overlook a hundred times before, the irritation he felt at her apathy, frustration at her constant composure. He'd felt it at Ember Island when nothing he did seemed to please her. He felt it when he was practically begging her to show him some―really any kind―of emotion. And he felt it again when Mai pointed out something he'd known for quite some time but never acknowledged: as much as he cared for her, as much as he thought he always wanted what was best for her, something was fundamentally missing. Whatever drove him to leave the Fire Nation during the eclipse, whatever made him drop all his duties to search for his mother, the same fire that kept him protecting Azula or had him dive in front of lightning for Katara… these same feelings did not exist for Mai.

Even if she'd taken him back, how long would they return to normal before their next falling out? Would they even go back to normal? How much deeper would they hurt each other during their next inevitable blowout?

The fact that he can't even fathom getting back together with Mai without considering the ways it could fail is really all Zuko needs to know. Letting her go was the right choice, but he wished he was more remorseful about feeling this way.

"Uncle, does it make me a terrible person for saying no?" Zuko asks. Iroh's eyebrows raise at that, but he continues to sip his tea, giving Zuko the room to expound his thoughts. "She said a lot of terrible things... We were both terrible to each other. I'm not happy that we broke up, but... I think I feel okay. I just wish we didn't have to be so evil to each other to end it." Iroh pauses, inhaling the cool, afternoon air before he fixes his lips to speak again.

"You know, I was in a relationship with a woman for several years when I was not much older than you. A lovely young woman from a noble family. I was next in line for the throne and it was expected of me to find someone suitable to settle down with. On paper, she was the perfect fit. Elegant, well-read, attentive."

"I've never heard you mention Lu Ten's mother before," Zuko says quietly. It's been an unspoken rule in the palace that Lu Ten was hardly ever mentioned, a wound left open after all these years. Zuko's memory of Lu Ten is limited; the two had been separated by about a decade and years had been lost to Lu Ten's military service and untimely death. Mentioning his late cousin is uncommon to say the least and Zuko can already see the tears in Iroh's eyes that will never fall.

"That's because she wasn't Lu Ten's mother." Iroh's voice wavers, but never cracks. A light breeze passes, rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. "I spent many years trying to figure out how to fit together with someone who wasn't meant for me. And when we finally acknowledged the relationship was no longer serving us and we went our separate ways, do you know who I finally met?"

Zuko doesn't have to respond. The longing look on his uncle's face says it all.

"Just as we head into autumn and watch many creatures prepare for their eventual hibernation, it is important that you give yourself time to rest and heal from all you've been through this past year." Iroh's eyes close as he speaks, a small but loving smile on his lips. "I know it must be hard to imagine a happy ending for yourself after all you've endured, but just be patient, my nephew. You'll get through this as you've gotten through every other painful moment that's made you who you are. Better days are coming."

Zuko closes his eyes as well and for a moment, he thinks that he can see what Iroh sees.