A/N: me, 5 years after i started this fic: hey maybe I should start dropping hints that the characters might like-like each other lmfaooooo i really intended on updating this fic 1-2 more times in 2020 but never got around to it… and then that accidental mini hiatus turned into a cycle of me worrying i was disappointing people and i got more stressed about updating… then i remembered this is MY self indulgent fic and i can get back on the proverbial horse every time i fall off it! and anybody who can tolerate my mess of an update schedule can come along for the ride as well! anyways i really do apologize for the huge breaks between chapters. one of my goals this year is to write and publish more frequently and be less hard on myself and in doing so i'm trying my best to figure out just how often i can reasonably work on this and potentially push out other works at the same time. but while i figure that out and juggle all my real life responsibilities i just want to thank you guys again for all the reviews over the years and even just taking the time to look at something i've created .. it's so so SO appreciated and keeps me going. i actually save most reviews and read them on my bad days and even show them to my friends sometimes hnnngg ok i love yall MWAH xxx
Katara finds Zuko by accident in the library, surrounded by a pile of scrolls. Despite all the time she's spent in the palace, she hasn't quite familiarized herself with every corridor. She struggles to say she'll miss this place; it's so big and hollow and empty, but as her days in the Fire Nation finally begin to dwindle, she finds herself spending her free time wandering around to see what treasures the palace holds.
The library is a fascinating place. The room, like every other, is red from ceiling to floor, with gold embellishments etched into everything. But here, the silence isn't alienating. Just like the turtle duck pond, the library is calm.
She expected to find comfort here, in the midst of all the knowledge and stories the palace has stored within it. What she doesn't expect was to find Zuko sitting alone on the floor with nothing but sunlight from a nearby window aiding him in his reading.
"Zuko?" Katara begins softly. He startles at the sound of his name, too preoccupied with his own thoughts to even notice her entrance. "Sorry. Am I interrupting something?"
"No, it's fine," Zuko bites his lip as he surveys the scrolls scattered around him; the pads of his fingers draw across the parchment far delicately. "Just going over some things." He seems so focused on whatever he's looking at that Katara considers excusing herself, but just as quickly, Zuko is shifting his paperwork to the side and patting the ground beside him.
"What's all this?" she asks as she takes a seat where Zuko had gestured, a wordless acceptance of his silent invitation.
"Important documents," he replies absentmindedly. He stops what he's doing to look up at Katara and despite the tiredness in his eyes, he seems a bit more at ease when he focuses his attention on her. "Most of this is about your tribe actually."
"My tribe?" She looks down at the paperwork in front of them, blue eyes raking over an endless array of names and numbers and figures.
"Talking about sending some of my people to help rebuild the South sounds like a great idea on paper. Actually carrying it out is something else entirely. There's so much to consider. Look at this for example," Zuko wades through the scrolls before holding one up for Katara to look at. "I've got at least a dozen sheets like this one with all the information of people currently deployed in the Earth Kingdom. Names, ages, birthplaces… But I can't be careless about who I send to help."
"Do you have a system already?" Katara offers. "Any particular way you've been dividing up the list?"
"Hm." Zuko clicks his tongue and when he tilts his head to the side, Katara doesn't miss the subtle way the sunlight and shadows sharpen his features. "For one thing, I only want to send nonbenders, which as you can imagine, narrows the pool significantly. On top of that, I have to look into people's histories. How do you determine which soldiers were acting out of duty to serve the Fire Nation? How many just wanted to use their positions to harm others? The people I send could make or break this effort. I can't afford to make any mistakes."
"Hadn't thought of any of that," Katara admits, and she's comforted to see Zuko has.
"I just… I want this to be perfect. I need it to be." He sighs and runs a hand through his dark hair. "I don't want to let you down, Katara." In the grand scheme of it all, Katara is just one of many Water Tribe natives. Her opinion is merely a drop in the ocean, and her approval is the least of Zuko's concerns. Still, the sentiment pulls at each of Katara's heartstrings just the same.
"You don't have to do this alone," Katara says tentatively. "It might be easier if you had someone go over all of this with you." She looks up at him the way she always does these days when she offers him help. Cautiously. Waiting for the moment when he comes to, when the interaction encroaches a bit too far past his personal boundaries and he retreats back to the safety of isolation. She braces herself for what she assumes will be refusal on his part, but instead, Zuko smiles.
"You know, you might be right about that," he says. After a moment of plucking through his paperwork, he finally hands her a scroll. "I hope you don't get too bored."
"Of course I'm right," she teases, giving him a playful nudge with her shoulder as she takes the scroll from him. Maybe it's just her imagination but somewhere in the silence as they stay seated shoulder to shoulder on the floor, she swears she hears him mumble quietly, you always are.
.
.
.
"We're going to find the man who took my Mother from me," Katara says firmly, hands curled into fists at her side. She'd spent so many nights lying awake thinking of her mother's murderer; his face had been stamped into the deepest recesses of her mind the day her mother passed. Not a day goes by without her thinking of what she'd do if she were ever given the chance to confront him and now that Zuko is presenting her the opportunity, she can't pass it up.
"Sokka told me the story of what happened," Zuko adds from behind her. His tone is far too level for the emotions Katara feels bubbling up inside of her, but it may be for the best that he's able to keep his calm. "I know who did it. And I know how to find him." The certainty in his voice ignites a fury she's never felt before, a reminder that the man who committed this heinous act is just that. A man. Not a shadow lingering outside of her childhood window. Flesh and bones and blood. Vulnerable. Defeatable.
The chance to avenge her mother's senseless killing, to prove her mother hadn't died in vain, it's all so close Katara's shaking with nerves. It's so close she can taste it.
"And what exactly do you think this will accomplish?" Aang asks. For a moment, Katara deflates, shocked by Aang's hesitation. He should be the loudest person rallying for her. He should be helping her saddle up as quickly as possible while wishing her well, sending her off on what could be the most important mission of her life. There had been so many times she'd held him as he worked through his grief and she'd done her best to anchor him. All the instances of her helping him to redirect his anger or work through mountains of undeserved pain replay through her head one after the other. She's not asking for much, but the moment she steps off her pedestal, Aang is ready to turn away from her.
"I knew you wouldn't understand."
"Wait," Aang interjects. "I do understand. You're feeling unbelievable pain and rage. How do you think I felt about the sandbenders when they stole Appa? How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?"
Katara doesn't need to think about any of these things. She remembers how Aang lashed out in his lowest moments. She remembers walking straight into the line of fire when everyone else was afraid to talk him off a ledge. She remembers holding him close to her and telling him just what he needed to hear to feel whole again.
She does not, however, remember insinuating that his anger made him an awful person.
"She needs this, Aang," Zuko says. It's surprising just how firm he is in this stance too, never faltering at any of Aang's counterarguments. How unwavering he is in supporting her. "This is about getting closure and justice."
Justice. After so many years of living with this unbearable pain she's going to finally get to confront the man who committed such an awful crime. Her one and only chance to correct this grave injustice.
"I think it's about getting revenge," Aang says. His voice is soft; he's trying to be soothing, but he's not listening. He's not helping.
"Maybe it is!" And to Katara, it doesn't matter anymore. Closure, justice, revenge. After all these years, it doesn't matter what label gets attached to her actions but Aang can't seem to grasp it. "Maybe it's what I need! Maybe it's what he deserves." She's not entirely sure what she needs right now, but she knows listening to Aang isn't doing her any good.
"Katara," Aang looks at her like he's never seen before. He's helpless when he speaks. "You sound like Jet."
Jet. The second the name leaves Aang's mouth, fury claws her heart. He knows exactly what he's doing by drawing that comparison, by acting like the pain of losing her mother, her protector, her entire world is anything close to what Jet was capable of.
"It's not the same," she tells him, but she knows her words don't matter. She's already shattered the illusion of perfection Aang had of her.
She's shattered the illusion of perfection she had of him as well.
.
.
.
Katara stares at the letters on her desk and frowns.
For the most part, she's managed to pack all her belongings away neatly for her and Zuko's departure. She's already done a quick sweep of the room and made sure she hadn't forgotten anything, but the letters she'd received since she first arrived in the Fire Nation still remain untouched for longer than she's been keeping track.
Or, to be specific, Aang's letters still have yet to be read. The last time she had a one on one conversation with Aang, she'd been trying to sort through her feelings and he'd kissed her by surprise, just as he did on the Day of Black Sun. Any opportunity for them to talk about things was squashed the second Katara opted to come to the Fire Nation with Zuko, and she hadn't even thought about opening that can of beetle worms since she left the Earth Kingdom all those weeks ago.
Not until now.
There's a part of Katara that wants to take the letters and simply shove them with the rest of her things, but the second she walks over to her desk and has them in her hands, she knows she won't be able to rest until she's seen what he has to say.
Carefully, Katara opens the first letter and starts reading.
Katara,
It's been so strange being away from everyone for the past few weeks. After almost a year of being together, it's lonely travelling by myself. Sometimes I wish I still had everyone with me while I try navigating this new world, but I know we're all doing our best to rebuild in different ways. I've thought about you a lot since the last time I saw you and as the days go by, it doesn't seem to get any easier.
I really wish I'd been able to talk to you in person about this, but the timing was always wrong and I was always too afraid to be honest about how I feel. It's not the ideal way to confess, but I care for you, Katara. Since the day I first saw you, I wanted to be with you. It's always been that way. When we kissed at the invasion and again at Ember Island I couldn't understand why things didn't fall into place. Why you didn't feel the same way or want things to happen romantically between us. To be honest, I still don't fully understand what you really want and even though I'd rather hear you say it in person, not knowing is driving me crazy.
However you feel, now you know exactly where I stand.
What happens next is up to you.
Aang
Katara sighs, placing the first letter back on the desk. She expected as much. There'd been too many times before the Day of Black Sun where she speculated his feelings for her and even more times after they'd kissed where she tried to imagine being with him. There isn't much she dislikes about him; she cherishes Aang deeply and has since the day they met. He's magnetic and caring and thoughtful. She respects him. She loves him.
But she isn't in love with him.
She tried avoiding the conversation as long as she could but it was only a matter of time before she had to sit with the truth. After all the time she spent trying to shield him from grief, it hurts to think she could be the one causing him heartbreak.
Katara considers leaving the other note unread. There's only so many ways he can reiterate what she already knows. He has feelings for her. Strong, unrequited. And she pretended not to see for months just to avoid the inevitable scene unfolding before her.
Still, she's been through scarier moments than this, so she picks up the second letter and begins to read.
Katara,
I still haven't heard from you and I hope you're doing okay. There's a lot of things that I should've talked to you about in person instead and I'm sorry if my last letter was a lot. I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to force an ultimatum on you or like I was angry with you. I could never be angry with you.
I had to be 100% honest about my feelings for your sake and mine so that however you felt, we could come back even stronger. After all we've been through, I can't imagine not having you in my life, and it's only right for you to decide in what capacity that is. It's been some time since my last letter and I really hope you weren't hurt by what I said.
I've tried to do some self reflection in the meantime, not just about how I feel for you, but also in relation to my role as the avatar. I felt a bit aimless for a while, not really sure where I was needed most but I'm planning on heading to the Eastern Air Temple and find Guru Pathik again. Even though I regained the ability to enter the Avatar state, it still feels like I have a long way to go before I truly master it. I think knowing what I know now might make it easier for me to absorb his lessons. Part of that includes being able to let go of my earthy attachments and focus on my duties as the avatar. I'm not sure how long it'll take to find him or how long I'll train with him this time, but I know I won't be able to write to you for a while.
I hope you always know how much I care about you and love having you in my life. I'd never do anything to ruin that intentionally.
Aang
Katara lets out a long, exhausted sigh. She loves Aang. With every muscle in her body, every drop of blood in her system, she does. In the past year, she's watched him grow into the avatar the world needed, a friend, a mediator, a protector.
And she's seen the way he looks at her. The shy, hidden glances, the pink blushing cheeks. It's sweet. Almost flattering.
But it's not reciprocated.
How easy would it have been if she could have simply fallen into his arms and been everything he wanted her to be? If she could've ignored her own reservations and waited for him at the end of the war with an open heart?
She barely gets a moment alone to stew in her thoughts before there's a knock on her door.
"Who's there?" she asks and wonders if it's obvious how much her voice cracks.
"It's me," is Zuko's reply. Of course it's him. There's not a soul in this entire nation that would come looking for her except him.
"Just a second!" She quickly rolls Aang's letters and places them neatly with the rest of her belongings, packed and ready to finally leave for Ba Sing Se. "Come in," she calls as she sits on her bed, watching as he pushes the door open.
It's not clear to Katara how Zuko does it really. When he enters, he seems mostly neutral, perhaps even a bit content, but when his golden eyes lay on her, his mood shifts immediately.
"Are you alright?" he asks. It doesn't take long for him to make his way from her doorway over to her, but he keeps a careful distance between them, waiting for a cue of what she needs.
"I'm fine," she says. There's a long, stinging silence but Zuko doesn't seem at all convinced.
"I think I should rephrase that," he tells her. "I can tell that you're upset." The statement feels so unexpected, putting Katara in such a vulnerable position that for a split second, she almost understands why Zuko recoils so violently when shown any level of concern.
"What makes you think I'm upset?" she counters.
"What makes you think you can hide it from me?" Zuko replies. He crosses his arms but his face remains soft. "I know you."
She's not really sure how such a simple statement seems to be the winning argument in this back-and-forth but any fight she had in her dissipates when he says it.
"I just realized I never responded to any of the letters I got while I've been here," Katara says. A gross oversimplification of the situation, but seemingly satisfying to the boy across from her. "I think I should write to everyone before we leave for Ba Sing Se."
"Of course," Zuko says. "I'll make sure they get sent out before we leave." Katara smiles. For a moment it's quiet, as if the sole purpose Zuko came searching for her was to find out why she was upset, until Katara realizes he had a reason for being here in the first place.
"So," she begins, looking up at him from where she sits. "You came to tell me something?"
"Oh, that's right. I did," Zuko says, as if he'd forgotten himself. She can practically see him reorganizing his thoughts before he speaks again. "I came to ask about your plans. I know Azula said a lot of things last night and she was a bit all over the place but she did bring up a good point. What do you intend on doing after we return from Ba Sing Se?"
"I do have to go back home eventually," Katara mumbles, and she's not sure why she sounds so sad about it. "It makes the most sense for me to leave after we find your mother."
"You sound so certain," he says. The motion of him wringing his hands catches her eye.
"Are you worried we won't?"
"A bit hard to not worry," Zuko says. "Things are a lot different than they were a few months ago. I'm not just a banished runaway anymore. I'm the Fire Lord. I feel like I'm hyper aware of the consequences of all of my actions. How this trip could affect my country. My people." He breaks for a moment before he quietly tacks on, "Azula."
"It would drive you crazy if you didn't at least try," Katara says. "I can't tell you what's going to happen when we're back in the Earth Kingdom but I know we'll figure it out together. We always do." Zuko purses his lips and it's obvious to Katara that he has something he wants to say but he's mulling it over.
"I inherited a lot of unfavorable things when I took the throne and I've been so focused on how everyone sees me that I didn't always think enough about how the people of the Fire Nation see and treat others. How they've treated you," Zuko says. "There were too many instances I could've been more proactive in correcting my people and I failed. But regardless of what you choose to do after Ba Sing Se, I'll do better. I'll be better."
Katara offers a bittersweet smile. "I appreciate that. I do think when this trip is over it will be time for me to go back home."
"That's fair," Zuko says. Katara jumps to her feet and in an instant she's inches in front of him, craning her neck up to look him in the eye.
"So you better not hurt yourself while we're in the Earth Kingdom," Katara adds, with one hand on her hip and the other wagging a playful finger in his face. "The last thing I need is for you to get hurt, unless you want to give me a reason to stay longer." Zuko doesn't just smile at this. He looks at Katara, golden eyes twinkling as they disappear into half crescents, and he laughs.
She has half a mind to continue sassing for this—how dare he not take her seriously in this moment— but she can't help but fall into him, laughing just as hard as he does while the rest of the world melts away.
"I'll do my very best not to give you any extra work, Katara."
.
.
.
"You're sure you have everything?" Iroh asks, smoothing imaginary wrinkles in Zuko's clothes. The chill of ocean air is starting to get to the young Fire Lord, lining his arms with a fresh batch of goosebumps. The sun is still tucked neatly beyond the horizon with no intention of rising for a while, but Zuko is starkly awake. He's been waiting too long for this day to come.
"Yes, Uncle," Zuko sighs in exasperation. He's answered some variation of this question at least a dozen times at this point, but he doesn't actually mind all the doting. It'll be a while before he sees Iroh again and so, despite the rest of his crew having boarded the ship some time ago, Zuko lets his uncle continue to orbit around him.
"And you, Katara?" Iroh asks, as earnestly as if she were his own.
"I have everything I need," she says with a wide smile. "But I'm going to miss you." If she hadn't thrown her arms around Iroh in a warm and steady embrace, Zuko's sure his uncle would've initiated a hug himself.
"Don't worry," he tells her softly when she pulls away. "I have the letters you wrote for your family. Zuko already reminded me to send them out before the day ends."
"Thank you," Katara says. "I appreciate it so much." There's a bit more thanking and goodbye-ing between the two of them and Zuko just feels… fond. Something about the way Katara and Iroh get on was something he never really thought about until now and he's a little sad to have found another thing he's sure to miss.
"I know you're both incredibly capable but you can never be too careful. You'll only have each other. Look out for one another," Iroh says. "And please be careful, both of you." Zuko knows where this speech would go if it were just him and his uncle. A faint, unspoken reminder of Lu Ten floats between them, but Iroh doesn't need to say it. There's too much to lose if he doesn't come back. If there's one thing Zuko's certain of, it's his own return.
"We've been through worse," Zuko says, resting a hand on Katara's shoulder. There's another weight on the young Fire Lord's mind, Katara's safety, but when he steals a glance at her, he feels confident in her words. They'll figure it out. They always do.
Iroh stares at the two of them as though he's considering imparting more wisdom but decides better of it, taking a step back from the duo and gesturing toward the ship beside them.
"You two better get going," Iroh says. "The sooner you depart, the sooner you'll return." It still takes another round of hugs before Iroh actually lets them go and with that their journey officially begins. The point of no return has been crossed.
"Thank you," Zuko says as they board, just out of earshot of his uncle. Their footsteps clank against the heavy metal ramp of the ship and the sound of waves lap underneath them.
"For what?" Katara asks.
"For accompanying me," Zuko replies. Their air feels like it's only gotten colder but he doesn't mind, not when he's own excitement is buzzing beneath his skin. Katara, whether it's her own confidence or affinity as a waterbender seems unphased as well, taking the cold air in stride.
"I couldn't let you do something so important alone," she says in a rather matter-of-factly tone. And maybe that's that as far as she's concerned. Maybe it is as simple as deciding to do something and following through. Like seeing someone in need and offering help.
Like jumping in the line of fire to protect someone you care about.
"I couldn't do this without you," Zuko says. Katara surveys him for a moment and he's even surprised himself that he said it, but hearing the words come from his own mouth, Zuko knows it's the truth. Of all the people he could've asked, of all the friends he's made, Katara knows him. Not Zuko the prince or refugee or Fire Lord. He needs her for this journey for the same reason he needed her at his side when he faced Azula.
There's only so much words can explain, but even just that admission feels like enough.
"We'll find your mother," Katara says, but it's not just a simple platitude. It's certain. A declaration. And it only reinforces how right it is for Katara to be here with him for this.
"You're right," he agrees softly, and this time he means it.
He knows they'll succeed. They always do.